amongst the crowd

 

This morning I woke up with drama on my mind. I was answered by a Teal Swan video that described perfectly the drama I was replaying, and the question I asked myself... and continue to ask, how to break this cycle?

I woke up late and struggled to get the day started. So coffee was more of a necessity than something to savor. I read a little autobiography of a yogi, and tried to picture the colors of southern India as the author described them. 

Then I walked to Pride at Loring Park, and tried to find the right mantra to put me in a space of appreciation. Eventually I sat under a tree and listened to the music as performers danced, and I people watched the crowds, wondering if I would see anyone I knew. I saw one person from Augsburg and had a brief convo that couldn't have been more than a minute. My mind replayed some of the drama, but it changed as I appreciated, said prayers for people, gave thanks. 

I questioned why my mind kept going back to the same old... and remembered that I haven't had a crush in a long time. There is simply no one new for my mind to obsess over. 

I enjoy people watching alone. But at a certain point I had a few questions of why am I always alone amongst crowds when people should be together? Why am I not experiencing things amongst people I care about... Why don't I reach out? Why am I not excited to see the people in my life? Why do I sit amongst a crowd, and try to convince myself of my fit, rather than just be with people...

I sat in gratitude with hints of drama. I appreciated, danced, took in the sights... After several hours I was starving so I left, probably got a little sun burnt. I don't take care of myself too well.