Saturday. Got coffee, went for a walk, listened to some Chili Peppers. Wanted to sing, but my voice has been shit lately. Not sure what I am doing with my life today. Want some love and excitement, but don't want to talk to anyone, avoiding drama while wanting excitement. Same old story.
I slept poorly most of the week, had a bunch of days where I needed to wake up early, had a bunch of days where I took a nap for too long after work.
My coworkers and I are in the middle of our own stuff. It comes up when you are in this field. I don't think people who aren't in the field understand how that happens. Our job requires us to work through our stuff in order to be good at the job. Similar to parenting except not...
Yesterday I read a silly article on numerology and went around asking my coworkers for their birthdates, everyone said it was surprisingly accurate. Mine was an 11 again, oddly accurate.
Had a lot of good conversations with my coworkers this week, but also feel like we are slipping. Like things aren't getting done in the way they need to get done. It feels kind of yuck some times. Yesterday my coworker had the students watch The Breakfast Club, but wasn't prepared for their reactions and it felt like that is the exact issue I have with the program... not enough foresight. But again, maybe that is just my issue in life. I am writing a book about it after all... which always amuses me when people call me out on it. I am like YES Prometheus made us, not Epimetheus... but oh well.
My family had a weird group text moment in which my Dad asked people to come over, and my Brother said no because family members aren't vaccinated, and my step sister went off on my brother. and it all felt really gross. Now I don't want to talk to any of them... even though I wasn't involved. It just felt really toxic. Too many unprocessed emotions (fear, envy, hurt, anger, defensiveness, etc) , not enough empathy to understand.
I think the fear of another wave is hitting everyone differently. I don't think we should shut down permanently, but I also think people should get vaccinated. I think viruses are part of life, and some of us will die. The issue should be treated with respect, not brushed off, and people can do what they can, but hiding from life isn't a great solution. That being said, maybe I am speaking of my own circumstances. Maybe I am afraid of living another year in isolation. Maybe I am already worried about how my life doesn't seem on track, and shutting down seems like it would make me hide further?
Maybe I just need to join more online communities. Maybe I need to quit my job and move somewhere else before lock down? Maybe I need to get a fishing license... who knows.
I made a student cry this week. I make her cry all the time, but it was because she was shutting down and she needed to speak, and I asked her to speak, but she couldn't. Emotional panic attacks are no joke, but they happen because we aren't expressing ourselves openly enough. I had a bunch related to M... before and maybe after, I think I might have had one during. It was a weird thing. I heard today that the reason I dwell has to do with intermittent rewards, and sunk cost bias... both of which make sense. I don't think about her much during the week when I am focused on work and recovery. But lonely weekends...
That coworker whose energy I am starting to like avoided me for a few days last week (or was busy, but it felt more intentional), but she didn't at all this week and it was nice. I had a lot of really positive feedback from people this week. Not sure what it means. Maybe my energy isn't as dead?
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