Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

I'm really not sure what kind of mood im in... i've been awake for roughly three hours... Im sort of hungry and sort of tired... but not able to sleep and not hungry enough to make anything or run to burger king...

The idea was to stay asleep and start a new sleep pattern... wake early... go to sleep before 5-6 am... but im not sure that will happen.


Im not entirely sure how to update as to what I have been doing... I'm not sure if its blog worthy or what. I mean I am fairly satisified with life lately... though right now Im sort of feeling screamable... but mostly I have been hanging with good friends... and annoying them.


I was writing some stuff... and doing some drawing.. but not a whole lot of painting... havent looked into jobs... havent heard from my cooperating teachers... (little worried about that)

I got in to a big argument/discussion with my mom last night, and now she thinks im crazy. Really I just didnt tell her some things for a while... because what i did tell her she didnt respond to... so then it sort of built up... it was a really frustrating conversation with both of us pretending to be adults... both of us counseling... when we should have been relating.

Im not sure what it means... but i have been hanging with becky a lot. Same old thoughts, same feelings, same results. meaning... most of the time I feel really wonderful around her... and wonder why we cant date eachother... and then I remember why we cant... and I think... wow thats really sad. at the same time... i sort of figure we have been really enjoying eachother's company... so though i give her looks a lot... we dont ever really bring it up... we dont bring up our differences... we know them... there isnt any point in the argument... there isnt any point in the leap... we have taken it and fell... and fell... but still Its nice to be around her.

Ex girlfriends are a weird thing.
I think when things are going ok with one... i start to think about the other more often... wishing i could have that with them. I spose its sad that it seems like such a split path.... but being with one, helps me understand what i did wrong with the other... helps me appreciate that i love life, and love the people I have met...
that was always a problem when I was with alexis.... she made me so happy sometimes... i couldnt help but feel overwhelmed with just how much i enjoyed life... just how thankful I was for the people in my life... and thus felt like connecting to them... which caused her to be jealous... I always told her she had nothing to be jealous of... and meant it. but to her... how fucked up was it that everytime things were going well I ran to another?
(if only to share good news... ) but unable to explain that...
When I was with becky... i spent countless nights away from her talking, exploring, having conversations and games and fun with others... and then returning to her... and she would get jealous and wonder why i didnt spend my excitement with her...

Incredibly awkward conversation with gabi today.... i was trying to say "gabi, even strong people have troubles... just watch yourself.." and she was right to say "mike i have dealt with stuff before and I will again..." and it wasnt that... that i was doubting, I was doubting whether anyone can go unscathed.
and then later when i rush into theories... and turn away my closest supporters who are put off by my idealism... and worry im creating walls for myself... and she drives away trying to reassure me that she still cares... and I feel ashamed and guilty for putting her in any kind of place where she would feel she did something wrong by standing up to me.,,,

I cant keep my mouth shut.


Tomorrow we (3b kids) are to hang together.... lets see what happens...
fun perhaps?
Sometimes i worry these things are just to keep up the idea that we had something once... I think i enjoy all of them... but im not sure they have a good time with eachother.