Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

(self counseling, session # 8180125621010 or so)


I dont know if jenni actually reads this on a regular basis but i saw her and tim and scott tonight and it was a huge breath of fresh air, sadly only partially because it was them, (i've been so self centered lately in my thinking, its seriously weird to me) but anyway i had to leave them and although that turned out to be a good thing for reasons of personal friendships and such i really really with a good deal of my being wanted to sit down with them and hear about their lives. i barely even said hi and completely acted a fool and probably wasnt even listening to a word scott said, (which i felt bad about) but just being in their presence gave me a nice wake up to the outside world which was really just well it was like life again. and it makes me so sorry to say that especially considering the two girls i was with have made my life incredibly joyful for the past few months, but i guess i needed a view over the walls i have created.


also to illy and aimee who dont make it a habit of reading if u are offended please come talk to me about it and allow me to reassure u it had nothing to do with you, just u know its a huge part of me to see more of life and we were even talking about it tonight, with gabs and I and everyone getting bored and that whole convo about drinking and everything


have u noticed im just babbling? (classic apology fom mike coming up soon no doubt)

anyway, the point was its nice to get those quick glances from people u havent seen in a long time but always liked even if it goes completely weird and awkward its still good to leave u wondering what else does life hold? who can i bump into next and when will i see them again and blah blah blah

im sorry wuit listening to me im being pathetic and rambling like a rambling elephant or something

"you are always saying something you swear you'd never say again" thats by guster and it just happened to coincide, the second jostled point i wanted to make

is that its really hard to drop your pride sometimes, even if u have already said the same thing before, in some instances u swerve curve hint and mumble around it but still they persist and then finally u catch urself acting a fool and u still cant do it, so basically to my loves when im not making sense give me a bit of time but stay persistent and eventually i will tell u that i really just did want a little more attention and couldnt or wouldnt allow myself to admit it.

cuz "im the center of attention in the walls inside my head, and no one will ever know it if i keep my mouth shut tight tight tight." ~ guster says it best.



maybe i will babbly on to point three i been thinking of lately, and that is just what stage of enlightenment am i at really? i mean am i still on the first steps of a long journey spanning ages or am i to take the compliments of those i have loved the most and in some cases shown the least to, and assume i am well on my way, or should i just listen to my heart on a good day and know that im feeling different but evolved and more consciious or am i to take that on a bad day and feel like a hurt child with no understanding of anything and what exactly do those mean. This shit with the self centeredness for no reason do i need to take time out? where is my spirit guide and do i really have to take some drugs to find it or just wait to let the toaist wave hit me and send me a new mentor, are my eyes open enough? am i ok? am i suitable representative of decency, as in enough to allow myself to tell others what to do? isnt that gross? shouldnt i only and i mean at the most be giving suggestions or showing possible alternatives rather then demands, (not that they really take them as law, and u know that.)

argghghhh u have written a lot of bulllshit straight off the head today mike are u proud?


are u allowed to feel pride?


___its so weird on a different but always relating subject, in order to get someone to listen to advice or give a proper opinion, u have to convince the person that u understand the situation, and i do this reletively easily but more often then not when someone tries to do the same for/to me i blow it off, (obviously a sign of too much pride) but also maybe a sign that im not being honest with people and which is it? or m i just not able to explain myself and situation, and is that becuase A: i dont trust them, B: think less of them C: dont wish to burden D: cant find anything relevant that they might be able to compare with E: just think of self as SO complicated
or F just really suck at communicating and its obviously all or at elast a mix are we done yet?


where the hell is nova?

shit


get in gear mike or go watch a movie. u blew off your best friend today u know that right?

"if thats all you will be, you'll be a waste of time"




conclusion

think, read, converse, work on everything.
there u said it now fuck off