at 36

I slept poorly.
Woke up to realize I could help a friend out (yay!)
Realized I'd already let that friend down (boo!)
I haven't had enough coffee yet, but I am still stuck in the hurt.
Arguing, trying to understand, to negotiate, thinking through all the things unsaid, all the ways I can imagine justifying either of our positions. And it just reminds me that this is why I am stuck. That this is the reason I can't move forward, because I am looking for some cognitive key, when the truth is that I need to move. Need to behave differently. Need to change the practices to change the life.

But I am in pain.
I am afraid of more pain.
I am wound up with really toxic pain.
And this isn't getting me anywhere.

I keep reminding myself that I am making small steps forward, to dwell on that, to consider the areas of openness, to consider the areas where I am trying new things. Being my silly self, or creative self.

But I am also called back to the circumstances by a passing car, or a call, or a text, or a facebook post. I am aware that there is some connection to my family, my parents, in this pain. To pleasing others when it hurts me. To not being clear about my boundaries. To trying to control things on behalf of myself and others.

I am aware that I am dreading my Dad's health issues. That I want him to go through this temporary struggle so that he can have a longer period of health. How it bothers me that he is dreading it, when he could be seeing the positives. How there is genuine friction in his life, that he doesn't know how to move forward on... and I go right back to trying to support him even though its his own shit.


****


What was it I wanted?
To learn and grow in my ability to help people. To  have new tools, to be able to serve effectively. To push back at systems that make it more difficult, to help people learn about themselves and how to grow. To empower themselves. To help ourselves out of defeating patterns.

Maybe that is why I haven't moved forward in a worldly way, I am still doing these things and trying to figure them out for myself. I am seeing friends and family, helping them with their shit, addressing my own stuff, learning more and growing the ways I can help. I am not IN IT right now, but I am also not pushing myself beyond my capacity. I am addressing my needs, and trying to establish some positive supports, remind myself who I am and what I am capable of...

I wanted these things and a family, and a partner, and was willing to sacrifice for a time to get that.
I figured that's the place I was at in life, and where I was willing to show my dedication. But I guess it doesn't work like that. People attract good things in life out of the best of themselves, not just their ability to give in.  Thats the lesson I need to learn ultimately. I don't want to JUST be the person who everyone goes to when they need help, I also want to be the one they just want to have fun with.

Can I just acknowledge that it's painful?
Can I just cry and let go?
Can I reduce my desires down to just the bare minimum of reconciliation and have that be ok?
Why is that too much to ask?
It's my fucking birthday, can't you acknowledge that you loved me even as much as a random stranger? And if you hate me so much, if I am really that bad, can't you just say that...



40 minutes later:

I've been really into watching a specific tarot reader for the last few months. Her messages this week have been completely on... her stuff for today and tomorrow (which I previewed) were so specifically accurate that I am having a hard time not just recognizing that the universe is trying to smack some sense into me.
I wrote a whiny post... no, its real, its where I am at, I am feeling pained and stuck in it. And within minutes, multiple people reached out (without knowing anything about it) to wish me well, to share potential jobs, to say hi.  I have had nothing but ridiculous amounts of love thrown my way these past few months. People left and right trying to be part of my life, and instead of dwelling on the fact that my family and friends were all fighting over who gets to see me and how much, I was overwhelmed by the pain that one specific person didn't care. Something is really wrong with this situation.
As Nicola says in the tarot video, I am allowing the devil to steal my blessings.
I've given two years of my life thinking and praying and wanting this person in my life, and they simply don't want to be. So why I do keep trying when it leaves me so much room and energy to focus on people who do want to be?
I've got a ton of people who love me, and desire to see me do well.
What is wrong with me that I want to go to sleep early to escape this?
I don't deserve to hold onto this weight any more. It's not mine. I am not responsible for it. And its making me miserable, making me feel like less of myself, making me see the world in ways that I don't want to... this isn't ok. I don't need that in my life.

(I can't deny that even as I write this, I still don't know what to do about any of it.)
But I need to be aware of the sweetness surrounding me.
These people are genuinely lovely.
Hhehe I've always found honey, just a touch too sweet. (wink)

Venus in Sagittarius

Yesterday I wasn't having the greatest of days.  I think I have another dental infection. I don't really want to eat much. I am not sure what I am doing with my life. I went to the second service at church, and for the second week in a row nobody wanted to talk to me during the service (people place their hand over their heart if they want to take the time alone). It felt like a weird rejection, and left me sitting with my own thoughts and feelings and an awareness that I never really know what's going on with other people. Like, they may really be going through some stuff and now is not the time to open up. I often wondered if I should do this during that part of church and always decided it would be better to be social even if I am anxious.

I continued with that path yesterday, saw Rachel and Illy, stayed social. Had discussions, watched a movie, stayed out rather than spending the day in my apartment. It was good. Its good to connect with people.
When I got home I watched some more HBO and felt dissatisfied. Eventually I noticed I was surfing facebook and wanting to connect. A new picture. Jealousy. Heart ache. I prayed for god to be with me and all the people I have ever loved. I went to bed ok.

This morning I am in pain (dental shit). I don't know what I am doing with my day. I had a dream about her. I watched a video about my venus sign tarot for the week and it talked about cutting away the person (mentioned pisces twice) that has been fooling me. Recognizing the relationship isn't a good vibe and instead seeking out more of the high vibration relationships I've been enjoying lately.
It was weird how accurate it felt. And how I didn't want it to be.

The heart protects even against its own healing.
I've been thinking a lot about how our patterns are not just the behaviors themselves, but the underlying motivation. That motivation doesn't have to be what is conscious, or visible, or positive.
Why do I seek out situations where I am ignored and have to prove myself?
Why do I choose relationships that aren't healthy and I am bored by those that are?
Why do I continue to fight for them, when they aren't fighting for me?
Is it just my ego trying to satisfy itself?   Is it a soul contract. Is it time to let go forever?

Mike you were left as a child, ignored as a child, didn't have your needs met, you figured the only way to get people to love you is to be useful, to give in, to sacrifice, even when they didn't want it. Fighting them hasn't worked, so you remind them they are lovable, so you whimper and beg and become bitter with hope that they'll do the same in return. Some people won't ever. And it isn't your job to help them see how they are hurting themselves.

The universe wants to teach you this lesson. Let it.

More avoiding of sending out resumes

During lunch, my mom casually remarked that she always enjoyed that she could drop references to international experiences with me, and I would know what she was talking about. Like, these are specific to place, and only people who have been to that place and had that experience will understand how they shifted your paradigm in life... and I said "Yeah, that's my problem. I am looking for someone who has that or I can't share my life and perspectives..."  and she's like, "oh yeah."
This is my whole worry about "growth". I feel like I am "growing too much" in a certain direction and others can't keep up or appreciate it, and I can't appreciate their experiences to the degree they would like me to because I have missed out on "normal" milestones. As I told her, in a very real way, I feel like I have been able to relate and be present with my friends more lately, specifically because I have experienced this very normal human thing of having my heart broken. I am so reserved and stoic around people that I forget to be human, and now I can't help but whine a little, and suddenly I appreciate my friends and they reach out more because we can relate through our desire to move forward from our hurt and bitterness. Oh humans...

But it requires a balance and a desire to appreciate. I apparently needed some drama, and a little heart break. Good job mike.

I am really enjoying this book. But it is also difficult for the same reason as above.
And I can only read a few chapters at a time. The one I just read perfectly described the feeling I had with Mo, about always feeling like she hadn't fully committed to me. He describes that in many relationships one person chooses the other, and the person who was chosen doesn't necessarily choose back and this leaves a person with that feeling. I know I chose her. I think in all my relationships I have pretended and held back because I was worried about losing myself too quickly. But I chose them. Circumstances got in the way and led to breakups, we couldn't figure things out, maybe we realized it wasn't a good fit at the time...  But I loved them all the same.
(Lex, I know you occasionally read this and might object to my putting it this way. But from my perspective, if we had both known how to be healthier together and separately -and met at a different time in life, we could have made a great life together. ****)
This always brings up the role of chemistry, attachment, imago... karma.
Are some people karmic partners? Soul twin flames? Why do I find them irresistible while everyone else just seems... meh. Did I really choose them? or did I not have a choice. Don't worry, I'll keep dwelling on this.

One of the chapters before it talks about how you shouldn't expect to get milk from a coke machine, and that nagging, manipulating or bullying them into it, still won't get you milk. I come back to this over and over with people, and have to tell myself that I loved them regardless, and shouldn't expect something they haven't shown up to be... but its hard when you see how capable they are in all the other ways. Like, "I see you do this here, now just do it here."  But circumstances are unique... the relationship itself changes the dynamic. Another chapter he talks about how people's behaviors are almost always in line with something they see as virtuous, and that when we complain about each other's limitations, we are often pointing out the downside of their virtue, so they are unable to see it OR react with defensiveness. He gives examples like not filling up the gas in the car because the mom wants to get her daughter home before she has a melt down. And the guy not dressing up when he goes out because he cares more about his work with refugees and it seems shallow. In both cases the person has their virtuous priority -something they believe is part of their integrity and will defend (I'm being a good mother/neighbor. I'm being a good person.) But the other person is only seeing the negative "You are making me late to work by not filling up the gas." and "You are giving a bad impression of our family to our neighbors by not dressing well."

How does someone choose and be chosen?
How do we deal with our own expectations/desires in a way that doesn't blame our partners?
How do we recognize our virtues and their limitations?
It's a good book.

**** Update later:  I was thinking about this more and that I am probably being dishonest to some extent. Maybe that is the story I continued to tell myself, despite behaving differently towards you. Maybe I wasn't really sure what I wanted, or what I chose... I felt compelled. I was a kid who thought I was all grown up.

Babies

Babies make the world go round.
Jesse said she was glad she wasn't raising one in australia on fire.
My mom mentioned it was the only thing that made life worth moving forward.
That is so true for me... even if I don't want to admit it.

I have a new nephew. No name yet. It didn't really hit me until the picture (typical J and J style -several hours later). Now I'm teary eyed.






... now I don't want to be all alone at this coffee shop.

A and B and C

A) Last night as I was falling asleep, I thought how funny it is to have random moments in which I can't remember why we broke up. Like life feels incomplete and strange now. I was considering how I have experienced that before with past loves. How even years later, I will randomly have a moment where I remember how much I love (d) them and wonder why they aren't holding my hand. This is the problem with loving people deeply. They are always there in my heart. The degree varies, but the space is still present.


B) This morning I woke up crabby. I struggled to find motivation to do anything. As I was headed to meet my mom, I noticed Mo had posted a new picture and wrote: 'A new picture, I get fiery, a slight hint of nausea, angry, a desire to control, to know, to contain. I don't trust my feelings, I don't trust how she provokes them so effortlessly. I miss her and want her endlessly, and yet...  I cannot and will not have her. I am more than jealous. I have to talk myself into my better nature, I have to remind myself that when people change it is natural and for the better, I have to remind myself that there were more difficult times that I am forgetting, I have to remind myself that in the end I want her to be happy. And I want that for myself, and if she is not happy with me, then why try to hold her back? I am desirous of something that I don't know. I wonder how much of this is my childhood flaring up. I wonder if I will ever trust myself or someone else enough to love without these moments in which they own me so fully and I hate them for my love for them. Lately I've become aware of how controlling she is, how everything has to be her way, or her fear is rampant, how she doesn't trust herself, how she doesn't take time to reflect, how in her unsettledness, I could never be at ease. I have always beet attracted to fire, I have always mistaken its warmth.'

C) Pooja and my mom have both suggested they could set me up on a date with someone. I don't know that I am ready. I am terrified. I am more pessimistic than anything else... how could anyone be a match? How can they be the fire and conscious enough to keep me from getting burned?
Lunch with my mom was good, but ultimately I am still in the same place. I know what I want and what I don't. I know the mindset I would like to stay in, and also how difficult it is for me to stay there. I know what I need to do, and know that I am terrified to do it. I know that I am capable of loving, and giving love to the world, and I know I am devastated by how we choose to hurt each other. I am still feeling guilty for the hurt I have caused a dozen people...  my mom casually reminisces about how when I was two I was empathic enough to recognize that waking her up (even when I needed to) was causing her some discomfort. She's laughing and smiling... and I am thinking, what a fucking burden. I leave lunch, feeling really positive about the people I love, even those that have hurt me. I remind myself that what I really desire is integrity and honesty, and that I'd be able to handle the pain a lot easier if it wasn't so dirty, if it could be laughed about. If it could be shared a little. I am grateful for the people in my life. I am awed by them. I want more of this. 

Rot

Attached to the pain, the dirtiness, the regret and guilt.
I don't find myself dwelling on the positives, but the putrid.
This is the bond of trauma, the vortex, 
sharing this pain doesn't cause connection, 
only further cutting away, 
it doesn't expand, 
it doesn't shift the paradigm to that which was once unseen, 
it blocks and distorts, 
maligns the beautiful, 
sours the sweet,
In desire to pair the complex notes,
another spoiled batch, 
only one way to find a better match,
move forward. 

Jesca Hoop - Cut Connection

Little punk unicorn

At some point during our friendship, I told Molly that he daughter looked like a punk rocker in a baby photo. I always wanted to do an imagined portrait of her as a teen in a band. That girl. Getting her to smile at you -  made you feel brilliant. It's her birthday today, a little 4 yr old. I thought I would get to watch her grow up.

I have a hard time on these days. These holidays, anniversaries, etc.  Some part of me knows it's stupid, but I told myself I get to at least celebrate the first ones. Get to send a small reminder, a text. I had planned gifts in the past, like even last summer I was already imagining, that's why I get these ones.

I don't think she understood the extent to which I loved them.
I don't think she ever felt ready enough to hold my heart, and thus, she didn't get to see how it beat for them. I couldn't sleep last night. Drama llama. I kept imagining the arguments, the repairs, the way forward down each possible path.  After a whole day she responded "thank you." Left it at that.
I reread the texts from 2 weeks before we broke up. Read how I was lost, and felt she was pulling away and investing all her energy in her new friend. She wrote back that she wasn't. That she loved me and was invested. Two weeks later we were broken up, without any acknowledgement of what had happened. It still hasn't been acknowledged to my satisfaction. It's been in these past months that I recognized the degree to which I wasn't acknowledged. It had always been easier to cover over my own hurts. But the pictures look genuine. My thoughts and dreams and prayers and actions were all genuine. This is a person I loved. And still love. And she isn't able to love me or doesn't want to. It drives me nuts. I don't even want her back, not after this, but I don't understand why this awful pain is  our choice. It's like the war. It's like the guns. It's like the environmental catastrophe... Why do we choose this?

Fear. I know she is horribly afraid. I recognize now that our entire relationship was based around her fears - and mine too. Not a basis for a relationship, I assure you. But it didn't have to be.
We could have figured it out. We are smart. I cared enough to get through it. Hell, I might still on some days.

Nothing and everything

I am sitting at spyhouse. There is a couple sitting at the table in front of me. Both have frizzy dark brown hair. Both have brown eyes that are both soft and intense. It is their gaze. It is the responsiveness. It is the fact that they are sharing the air between them, the bad breath, the vulnerability. I love them. I love that they are so intimate. I love that their hands are placed casually upon each other, that their bodies lean in, that their laughs are so genuine, and their bodies still expressive. I love that their dimples can't help but show, that they nod and reassure with every moment. That the momentary pull away, is rewarded rather than the cause of more distance. I watch their energy flow back and forth, pull and crash between them. Watch it spike when they are connected. Watch them try their hardest to look away, so that they can gather their own sense of self back... 

They are so 'story book'. They are so 'engagement photos.'  They are so new to their intentions that they can't shake each other. It's beautiful. It makes everyone in the place that much more innocent and beautiful.


I have been reading a book about how conflict in relationships is the opportunity for growth and growing up. It reinforces a lot of the stuff I already felt, and reminds me again that I  can't force my desires on someone else, but always will, and that I need a conscious partner willing to tangle. 

I find myself surprisingly open to things.
My mom suggested I meet someone, and rather than meeting at a crowded place, I am almost more like, yeah lets get coffee.

I find myself wanting to be asked. I find myself wanting the opportunity to work. 
Maybe I just made it past my roadblock, or maybe I am bored, or maybe its the pain in my tooth that makes me want to get up and do, rather than sit here and think -which I can't do. But the fear is temporarily gone. I am ready for the world again. I am feeling capable again.

The job I suddenly want is at a small private practice. A small team of mostly women and a dog. Teen therapist. A small creative place. Likely, part time at first. Likely a half step towards licensure, but perhaps a good step overall, something more like LNAS than like a private research lab, or a cookie cutter treatment center. Now I am worried I won't get the opportunity. Isn't that funny?  Go from wanting nothing, to being afraid you won't get something within a day or two. I suppose I need to apply for all the things, and make it work. 

The other day I had a spell of crying, and realized I was afraid that I would end up n the same place again this time next year. That I would face more failures, or more temporary fixes. 
It's true. I will. And it's ok. It will be wonderful. 

You gotta feel your lines. 




Ive been listening to a lot of Jesca Hoop lately. I bought two cds, and they are both great, and yet both cds that I will likely play out and then never want to listen to again. As I was listening to them the first few nights, I kept having this thought that I'd been missing out for a long time. But it doesn't really work that way, does it? Things move you in their own time. The songs that someone else loves, the books, the shows, may not move you when they move them. And that's ok.



Sometimes I am shocked that other people have the same biases they have had for years. I seek out thoughtful help, and find most people are in the same spaces I have been. But I find myself in a place where I judge people less and less. It's hard for me to stick to rigid ideas of right and wrong. Easy to see why a person might do a thing or not, and yes still important to hold them accountable, but for what reason? To ensure you get your vengeance or to create a better world? 
It's not that I don't react from the same places... I absolutely have those flare ups, just easy to recognize that my righteousness isn't right, its just reaction. 
All of this after I have my coffee of course. In the morning I am a monster. 



I've been having lots of dreams with old loves in them. Friends, lovers, family. Pivotal situations where there is tension, but no decisions are being made. Where each person is looking at the other waiting for the shoe to drop, but it isn't dropping. Where each waits to see who will apologize first, or make the amends, or hug...  Nothing is resolved in the dreams, but I am really happy for their presence. I do love a good presence. Hehehe. 
My apartment is really lonely. 
Its small, and quiet, and alternates between too cold and too warm in the weirdest ways (due to drafts I am sure). I am usually in slippers, and I think I should buy extras for visitors. I don't have furniture, but I do have a couple of chairs curtesy of Illy, and a couple of giant pillows that can be lounged on -though not for long periods of time.  I've been trying to learn tarot and astrology. 
I haven't painted in a few weeks, but I did destroy one pair of pants doing that. 

I have been reading and watching shit, and playing comp games and seeing people.
I have been doing a little meditation. I have been swiping on apps. 
I have been day dreaming, and arguing far too much like a drama llama. 
I wish I were writing more. 
I was thinking that if I get this part time job, I should set up a writing schedule and alternate throughout the day. Like 2 days a week write, 3 work. I could live that way for a long time. 

JORBS and the life

I am trying to figure out what to do with my life, my time, my limited supply of energy.
At a sufi retreat the other day, I said that I wanted to leave fear and anxiety, and the needless arguments I have in my head, behind in the new year. I woke up late and thus far, it hasn't been the new year yet... to put it mildly. But I have been catching myself and laughing, and calling myself a drama llama.

I am looking up jobs at a million places, and none of them sound satisfying... or rather they sound intimidating and exhausting, and I either don't qualify or worry that I will be assigning myself needless suffering by taking the job... I am apparently very dark, even though it is sunny out. I probably slept in too long.

I am wavering between the confidence and optimism of the people around me, and the limiting descriptions and lack of knowledge I have of the field. These job descriptions sound awful because i don't know the environment, don't know the people, don't know what to expect. Maybe these are all awesome opportunities, maybe I would be taking on too much.

The one job I have the most optimism for is also the opposite of what I told myself I would be looking for. It is another job where I would be prepping for the future in a helpful way for my professional career, but wouldn't have the social support I crave... and it would require building that social support in my spare time. Maybe I could do that.
Take a class with Victoria.
Join a circle at church.
Attend a social event once a week.
Have friends over more often in the evenings even though I am tired.
Babysit the niece and nephew?

When I woke up today, I realized that part of my low mood has been the lack of purpose, and part has been the lack of social interactions. I want people around to motivate me... this is one of the primary things I need to develop in my own life, and it was something I was relying on Molly to provide.
I have relied on others to provide this in the past.

I keep thinking, I need to run these decisions and concerns by some folks and ge their approval before going forward. Need to be talked into the decision.
But maybe I need to just take a leap of faith?
Or maybe I need to reach out to more people and do informational interviews?
I don't know. This is how I get stuck.

Resmaa says to be a grown up means making your own path and not waiting for someone else to lead you. I often ask myself that question without consciously answering, or without diving into the answer too deeply. Who are you trying to impress with this action? Who's approval are you seeking? 
Sometimes it is my parents, other times a friend or love. I find myself reading books that friends or exes have recommended or listening to their songs, and some part of me fantasizes about their reaction if they stumbled into me and saw me doing that, would they feel loved? Would they love me?
But that's not really how it works is it.

I am weighing out different paths:
A spiritual path (Sufi? Buddhist? UU? Tarot? spiritual life coaching?)
A trauma focused path (somatic, neurofeedback, emdr, brainspotting)
A community empowerment path
An education focused path
A holistic path. Integrative
A creative path,  cartoons, art, writing

People ask me who I want to work with, seekers of healing? Not little ones. I do best with folks who are above 16. I am interested in a social environment that can adapt to people's needs rather than a rigid program. I'd like to be able to work with folks from a variety of backgrounds, not just white middle upper class folks. I like a challenge, but don't want to be bogged down forever. I have no specialties, and I am not fully licensed in anything right now.

As I have said at other times... the thing I desire (a partnership) doesn't seem to be in my immediate future. I watched a tarot video the other day where the lady was like, ~'oh, you keep getting in the way of building your sanctuary, your ideal world, because you don't know why you should build it if you have no one to share it with...'  theme of my life, but she said, if you build it they will come... 

Everything is telling me take a step forward, but I am not feeling motivated or compelled. 
When I was 18 and feeling this way, my mom gave me the advice of just choosing, and knowing that I could do the rest later. Life, the timing, the lack of energy, makes me hesitant. I feel like I need to choose things wisely, life has so many paths. Trusting in the universe means knowing that if there is a "right" path, all roads will lead to it. The corrections will come, the opportunities will be present... but it's difficult considering my last major choices lead to burnout and breakup. Learning opportunities... but hard ones. Am I ready for the next?

merry christmas

Its 6:45 AM. I woke up an hour ago. Chatted with jesse for a bit, then tried to go back to sleep. I was thinking of how grateful I am that she has been in my life these last few years. Someone present in the middle of the night, randomly available, totally non-invested, but connected enough to touch base now and then.


In the dream, we were making food. There was a half dozen people involved, and it was complicated but it was good. Becky was there. It might have been 3B. At a certain point, I knew something was up. We had an exchange that others may or may not have recognized.
Later, I tried to talk to her about it. She didn't want to.
Later someone else wanted to talk about it, and I let slip my concerns.
She was furious with me for breaking her secrets.
We talked through it.
We talked through the meal as a group.
Things were ok.


Becky is often a stand in for other people in my dreams. I am very aware of that now.
I think this is a pattern dream. A dream about how secrets and isolation do us harm.
My secrets kept me from talking to Molly about things fully.
Her secrets kept her from talking to me.
We both felt alone and acted out of our aloneness.

Jesse said something about my Dad's side liking Trump.
I realized we haven't talked politics for a while.
I wonder how much Trump and that stuff has impacted his marriage. He has been avoiding her, even if he doesn't say that. They don't watch fox news anymore. Something has changed.
Steve and I both felt like Dad had become more like he was when we were younger. Alone, manipulative, self serving. I have been worried it's his hearing. Maybe it's his marriage?

Was she just a vacation?
Is that what we do?

Aura reading

-He mentioned being worried about my dads health.—How my energy is drained and continually pulled by a relationship that is on hold. Not done, but distant for now.  I continue to feel dull because I’m trying to maintain my grounding, rather than being able to focus on other chakras or move forward.
-how my mom and molly have the opposite responses to the same shit, and how I swing like a pendulum trying to balance them.  How this is my own control issue. I care take, because her feelings are unsafe to me, I don’t trust them, so I try to sooth or address them so they don’t impact me so much.  -And that  Empathy requires boundaries - no matter what I need to do a better job of taking care of myself.

He said she might come back. But that it would be my choice to let her, and I should make the decision within the next few weeks.

Rachel asked me what inspires me.

I don't do enough gratitude and focus on the positive:

A I told her, typically the things that inspire me are the universe, nature, science, beauty, human creativity such as art, music, writing, design, comedy, humans’ stories, faith, history and human creation, relationships etc…

I am not really sure what has been inspiring lately. I’ve been watching a lot of improv comedy on youtube. I’ve been watching some comedy/awkwardness on hulu and Netflix. I haven’t been exploring much. Maybe I need to go travel for a week, something to change up the patterns. 

I’ve been trying to figure out how to get furniture in my apartment that fits, but I realized today that I am reluctant because one of the things I like most about my apartment is that it feels open. So I am avoiding cluttering it up or reducing the space. There are some things that might make it feel better. I could put down a rug. I could get some beanbags or something. I might go for benches or ottomans or giant pillows. Something that can be stacked, instead of taking up the room. 

I am doing a lot of reading. Last night I bought a book on seeing auras and another on creative visualization, I have found neither of them inspiring and it kind of feels like a waste of money. But I suppose that is the thing lately, I haven’t felt very inspired. 

I am not sure where to turn for inspiration. My voice, my aura has felt weak. Generally, I’d say I’m pretty low energy lately. Taking naps, reluctant to exercise, staying up too late and sitting in one spot too long. I am not feeling moved. I am stagnant, but everyone is telling me that I’m doing the inner work necessary to move forward in a healthy way… and I want to believe that. 

It makes me very aware of how much I was allowing Molly to anchor my life in something that felt real, and I am questioning how much my sense of self is rooted in taking care of others, rather than anything inherent to me, or rather what a reasonable balance is. 

I am inspired by seeing others grow, by supporting them in critical and creative thinking.  I am seeking opportunities to do so without taking on the responsibility in a personal way, so that I can refrain from burning out. Typically, I am drawn to topics such as love, sex, spirituality, human connection, healing, beauty, society… but over the years, my interests have narrowed or shrunk. I don’t want to study violence, and oppression. I don’t want to study power dynamics and how we hurt each other. I see it too often. The unintentional, the unconscious ways we destroy ourselves. It just makes me sad. I’d rather focus on solutions that seem tangible, the little ways we can free ourselves from traps. But I am in them too, and it feels hypocritical to preach and not practice. 

The adjustment of the body has intrigued me lately. The push and pull on muscles, bones, joints, blood, hormones, skin, energy. How might I go about healing the toxic in myself and others?

How do I help myself and others overcome our karma, pursue our dharma?

How do I see more color, or appreciate that which is in front of me?

How do I keep from avoiding, allowing fear to guide my actions, believe in abundance and trust in the universe?

I have a hard time concentrating these days. I need to fidget, I need to have something else going on. I need to be looking through the mirror at someone else to form any clarity. And yet, I am self-focused, selfish oriented. Want to be selfish enough to find the right things. 

If I had the energy, I’d be in love. 

If I had the energy, I’d finish my book.

If I had the energy, I’d travel and laugh.

I’d join an improv club. 

I’d become a preacher.

I’d write poetry on people’s skin as I allowed the universal energy to move through me and into them for healing. 

I’d learn to play music, and sing with a clear voice, and draw people to me. 

I’d write a life changing book. I’d made art every night and then play board games with friends, or play toys with my kids.

I’d relax on the couch, I’d give and get massages. 

I’d see the energy in the air, see it surrounding people, transforming them, shifting with them, and I’d know how to manipulate it just right to bring about the best chance for growth. I’d forever be loving to myself, not ashamed or guilty about the things I’ve done, but only recognizing that they were part of something larger, and that in the same way others might provide the opportunity for karmic healing to me through suffering, I might be offering them the same. I am judas, I am jesus, and I am humanity that plays all roles. 

I’d day dream of a new life, and know that I wouldn’t give my own up for it. 

Maybe that’s what happened. 

I stopped imagining a better future, because I was content with the one I thought I had. It wasn’t what was really happening, but the one I imagined I had around me. 

I just spent half an hour looking up energy healers. The only thing that has given me boosts lately is the spiritual and esoteric. Im drawn to that sort of shit still. 

Maybe I need to spend a week in a shack by the ocean, or on a mountain top. Maybe I need a random sexual encounter, or a pilgrimage, or maybe just a walk around the lake without the freezing temps. 

After writing that post last night, I returned to my book and felt a sense of calm. A sense that love would heal me. That my fears and hurt were only temporary. That in the end, things would all work out even if I couldn't get what I wanted in the immediate, ultimately, I know who I am and what I care about... and life is good.

Hung out with some friends last night. It was good. It's hard to ask for what you want, or to make true connections when you're heart broken. I want to invest in people, want to be curious, want to be loving, but I don't have the natural inclination right now. Not sure how to be the person I want to be.

I woke up this morning and decided to text her.
It was simple, just well-wishing.
She told me what they were up to.
I wished I could be part of her life still, but I was in church, and realized that my values and objectives remain different than the way that I am with her. I am afraid when I am with her. I feel insecure because she can't reassure me. It keeps me limited, and in a lower vibration (as the energy people say). I can keep my centering and meditation and mindfulness, but when it comes down to it - I need a partner. And she can't be mine.

I miss her. I wish well for her. But I can't stay stuck like this. I am hanging myself in this suspension, because I don't what else to do. I don't know what the right path is for me.

I came home and did some more reading. Then took a nap.
I dreamed that I was in her apartment. I was there all afternoon, preparing, cleaning, organizing, making dinner, and waiting for them to come home. I was waiting, and the time passed. I was waiting and there was no call. I was waiting and preparing to argue my way back into her heart. But I wasn't on her mind. As the night came, I felt like a stranger trespassing in her apartment. She was avoiding coming home, or she was too busy with her life, and I was not wanted.





I am waiting for the light to show me a way. Something that calls or pulls.
I feel like I am in the same place I was when we met, and when we began dating.
Everything is telling me to release, to cut away, to find closure, to detach.
But my soul and my heart keep reminding me that love still exists. I need to stop desiring to control how things exist.

I’m feeling kind of pathetic because I just cried for the last hour because a girl who broke up with me 4 months ago changed her Facebook picture.

To be fully clear, I reread some old emails and texts, and realized I’ve only been feeling better because I’ve been avoiding her, and distracting myself so much.

I know I am particularly vulnerable these days because I don’t have anything else going on. Again, I gotta find my own path. No distractions. No illusions. But damn it was a good one. I miss her all the time.

Maybe seeing a movie tonight with illy and raj will help. Pretty sure I offended the girl last time.
Maybe I need to take the full dose of the Prozac.
Maybe I need to go away like I usually do.

Just because I love her doesn’t mean she is good to me.

I am sitting around feeling tired, and lonely.
I go online and realize she has changed her profile picture on facebook. She never updates anything on there. She chose a new picture that is less beautiful (no, that is just what I am telling myself to not be enamored), but instead I am aware that I don't recognize the location. It is green. Was it taken before? Was it taken recently? Was it taken with someone else? Was it taken with someone else in mind?  Certainly.
I feel a rush of pain, of heat, of confusion, slight nausea. It is mild in comparison to how I have felt it before. I breathe through it, get through it. But now I am tighter. I crave more, and yet, I am also aware that it will be painful. I wish she would write me, tell me that all the things I have learned about her and myself and our relationship since we broke up are misguided. Tell me that she has changed. That she can't live without me.
It is a fantasy. A temptation.
It has nothing to do with reality and I become aware again how easy it would be for me to lose my own path.
How content I was with her. How I would have stayed forever even though it would have remained eternally off balance and I would have continued to lose myself.
Have to learn to let the universe fill my cup again.
but maybe one more look.

Midnight thoughts

Reading: Seat of the Soul
Thinking about: life lessons
Worried about: sleep pattern, next steps in life
Distracted by: silence, the invisible agitation of boredom and loneliness, the millions of little distractions that I choose because I don't know what else to do.


I am aware that I am lonely, I am also aware that I don't want distractions. I continue to choose them, minute after minute, because I remain unsatisfied with things regardless of what I choose. What I really want are people who I can bounce ideas off of, truths, something real, something vibrant. Most of the time, I don't feel like I have the energy to do that justice, so instead I am quiet, or say the same things over and over again, or get insecure. Or I remain isolated, watching bullshit tv or videos on my phone, unsure what to do with all the time.

I've been getting in arguments in my head, because anger is a type of energy, and it beats boredom and loneliness. But I am also feeling incredibly grateful right now, and that's a weird mix.
I am wanting to fight with Molly, to get her to open her eyes. And also, I am wanting to thank her for sending me away so that I could open mine. What a gift relationships are. What a gift heartbreak can be. What a gift to have the space to reflect. What a gift to experience deep dissatisfaction. What a gift to recognize a desire in all the suffering for something more. What a gift to be privileged enough to wait. What a gift to be privileged enough to have opportunities.

I bought $80 worth of art supplies because there was a sale, then got home and decided to try to sleep instead of playing around with them. I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I have a toothache, and an appointment that might cost me way too much money to get it fixed. I have the money.

What I don't have are plans for the future, or a desire to set them in stone. Each day I wake up and say "You should do ----- today." and normally I can check 1-2 things off the list, but the big things remain undone. I was "supposed" to be looking for jobs this week, but I haven't even updated my resume.


The LICSW license requires another year or two of clinical work, which I feel like is a worthy investment, but I am unsure what I want to do that fulfills the obligation, and also leaves me excited for the future. Maybe I just need to find a good group practice and do outpatient for a shitty cut. A year or two of that and I can take on my own clients on the side for cash. Start doing teaching gigs, volunteer, make some art, or write a bit more.

My brain feels like mush, but really I think I am just adjusting to the recognition that I have been yearning for someone else's path, but have to get back to mine.
It's my own form of avoidance.
I want a partner. I need to remember that partnership is not the end goal in itself, but a means to support the journey.

Meta cognition

Lately I feel like every time I turn my mind inward in a concentrated way, my mind goes blank. I think this is supposed to be a good thing, but it is really frustrating for me. I focus, I try to think through something in a conscious way, and I lose it. It doesn't even seem, just out of reach, but rather vanished. Strangely, I can approach from the periphery and think through a million things. Fantasies, day dreams, the little distractions of boredom, or the place the mind goes when I am supposed to be focused... all my best thinking lately has come about in this way. 

Like I am supposed to be concentrating on the book in front of me, but my mind is rewriting history. I am supposed to be focused on what someone is saying, but my mind is three steps back, stuck on a joke. 

I haven't been writing much because of this. 

I have been spacing out and watching television, playing computer games, watching youtube, listening to Dessa too much, sleeping in for too long. 

I have no place to be, and most of the bills are paid. I've almost run out of little tasks and errands. I suppose I have that root canal to schedule, that dentist bill to pay, that therapy bill to pay, that email I was supposed to send, that resume to update, that job to get, that vacation to plan, that date to obtain, but really, everything at its right time and place right? 

I've been sleeping in so that I can dream. I remember them more when I am sleeping in. I am waiting for messages, trying to discern all the things. Waiting for the pull. 

I feel like my last major decisions were made to A) add some drama to my life, and B) to remove some drama from my life. And now I am back to the place I was before.... my life has mostly been fulfilled, except that I don't currently have much. It gets boring quick. 

I could go back to writing (but blank mind). 

I could plan a trip (but, been there done that). 

I could add some more drama to my life.

I could volunteer or do something else just to fill my time. 

I could get a job doing something that isn't exactly what I want, something to add more to my resume. 

I could change careers. I could buy a house. I could move to Colorado or Washington or Argentina. 

Last night I had a dream that I was falling in love with someone new. That it was more like, hey lets plan a trip together, and if we fall in love while we are there, good for us. 

Tonight I was talking to Katie over dinner and she mentioned that Molly was now in her class, and I got a sudden burst of energy. 

It's been difficult the last few days, I find I am talking to the idea of her again. Nothing in reality, just that other voice... because I am bored.  I go back and forth between arguing with her and justifying why we should remain broken up (though I am sure she wouldn't disagree). I find I am having an easier time recognizing all the little ways I withheld, was defensive and untrusting, taking more ownership over my own choices and behaviors. I was not a good boyfriend. But I was willing to work at it, which is more than I can say for her... its easier now to just pretend as if she was never trying... but that isn't true. There were times. 

I assume she is dating someone. I assume it will end the same way we did. 

Life isn't as enjoyable without someone to share it with. But it also isn't very enjoyable when the person you want to share with doesn't like you.

She was helpful in giving me direction.  That is like in my top 5 things I am grateful for her for...

It was easier to attach myself to her path, that to face the unknown of my own.

I keep thinking about whether I should try to date one of the people in my life who I am not attracted to, but who I enjoy. Like... would that get different results? I am strongly hooked on people who don't promise to stabilize my life... I am so strongly drawn to them, that everyone else seems dull by comparison. Hence, Mo with all her stuff, the closest I've ever been to a happily ever after, and neither of us trusted each other.  cwazy 

I love that all my people randomly reach out. Keeping me on track, one random dinner, or text message at a time. 

Gotta find my path.

December

I've been feeling like I turned a corner. But today the sun is hidden and I have a headache, so we shall see if it was just all the sunshine lately.

Dreams:

I have these places I visit in my dreams, one is a city in Europe, somewhere near the mediterranean. Its not a real place I have been, though maybe it exists. I've been there many times in my dreams, so much so, that I recall that it is familiar each time and remember places I've stayed and the general layout of the city. I don't know if I have business there, or anything to see. My job is always to secure a place to stay. 

Last night I showed up, exiting what I assume to be a train station and hundreds of people were smoking outside on the benches. I sat amongst them for a moment, taking in the worldliness of it. After a few minutes, I realized this smoking is adding to the pollution in the air and left to seek the hostel that is closest. 
The guy never remembers me, but every time I approach with amusement and hesitation. He is always crabby and not very helpful at first, then I say I have stayed there before and he lightens up. They had room. I wrote down two nights and then said I'd likely stay more. He nodded, knowing they would be booked up by the weekend, but allowing me the fantasy. I asked for a map, even though I know the layout of the city. He didn't have any extra maps so he said he would photocopy it, but we got distracted and he never did give me a copy. We were watching the neighbors through the window. 
He said all people do now adays is get drunk and then fight each other. 
Just as he was saying this, the people started fighting. 
I was more interested in their clothes and jewelry. They dressed like people from Pakistan, but had lighter skin and were not muslim. I didn't know how to ask without being impolite, I wondered if they were rroma. 
Later I was outside the building and a woman was making soup and distributing it. Maybe selling things too. She didn't have a table or anything, just set up on a small ledge. She had a kid with her. She had very white skin and very light hair. Her eyelashes were white. She might have had albinism, but it also looked like makeup, her eyelids were splashed with a yellow circle, so that when she closed her eyes the circle completed, but when they were open it smudged into a half circle. The look was off-putting to me, it made me feel on edge. I asked her where she was from. She said she lived in a town about 50 minutes away. She didn't have an accent, or rather, she sounded like a midwestern American even though she clearly wasn't. I didn't know how to ask what I really wanted to know. 
I turned away.




In another dream I was talking to Molly. It was brief and I was woken up by a text (very irritated). 
She was saying that in the end, everyone chose peace, or rather it was something like "Sorry, I guess we all choose peace." When she said it, I interpreted it as choosing to move away from discomfort, and wanted to argue with her, started to, but even as I was doing it, realized it didn't help. Then I woke up. 






I've been thinking a lot lately about the big concepts of love, forgiveness, control, acceptance, path in life, meaning in life. 

The last few days I was totally comfortable with the ideas. I felt myself. At ease. Loving. Capable of taking on anything and also letting go of anything. It was really nice. It was nice to acknowledge that feelings come and go, and that the stories we tell ourselves are also temporary. 
Letting go is necessary, and good. 
Being rejected is necessary, and good. 
Fear and all the other stuff is just... stuff. To be attended to when the time is right, and to be discarded when it doesn't serve. 

What am I serving?

Reading a bunch of books right now. Some my therapist recommended, some from church, some that looked interesting.  Pema Chodron's "When things fall apart"   and Sheldon Kopp's "If you meet the buddha on the road, kill him!" and will probably start Gary Zukav's "The seat of the soul"

They have me in that strange space where I am both seeking clarity and finding comfort in ambiguity,   the joyful acceptance of what is. But they also peak my curiosity, my ambition, my desire to live an exceptional life, whatever that means. The life if the guru, the prophet, the visionary, the shaman, the healer. I want to do mushrooms and run away to the amazon. I want to spend a year in a monastery. And also some part of me wants to relax, play computer games, and some other part of me wants a partner who can remind me back to my best self, and also delight in my boring self. A comfort.

I started crying for a brief moment. The story of the Lamed-vavs from Kopp's book (page 23). "He need only be open to the suffering of others, knowing that he cannot change it. Without being able to save his brothers, he must let himself experience their pain, so that they need not suffer alone. This will change nothing for man, but it will make a difference to G-d."

The heartbreak isn't present right now. Last night her picture kept popping up on facebook because I had been searching, and so now facebook wants us to be friends. The heartbreak isn't present right now, but I know it is still hanging in the air around here somewhere. I was shocked by how beautiful she is, it is a really nice picture. I keep trying to figure out why I am so drawn to someone who doesn't seem to care enough about me to reach out. I am drawn to her beauty and her youth, and her immaturity even though these things also push me away. I like the contrasts in people, the complexity, the unacknowledged truths. Like she is incredibly capable and totally inept, and I find it fascinating. How often did I just sit there watching, curious about all of the subtle thoughts and feelings I experienced in her presence? A canvas unfurling infinitely. I am drawn to people who provoke all the feels. And I am devastated by them again and again. And maybe that is the point.
Maybe this is what should be for me. Not a life time companion, comfort and serenity, but a constant push and pull until I learn to create the harmony within myself (breathing).

Embracing fear, heartbreak, pain and suffering, embracing longing and despair and loneliness, embracing them for what they are, such a reflection of their counterparts.

This life of sitting in coffee shops and reading, and people watching. I miss it.
I want to be a writer. I want to make art. I want to give back, teach and listen. But I want it without a pricetag and rules, without billing codes and paperwork. Something more natural and human.

So many books to read. So many people to explore.

Time off

I woke up to the familiar loneliness, the lack of structure, the headache coming soon.
I knew if I didn't move it would all consume me, so instead I grabbed my things and ran to the familiar. I am reading books, and feeling grateful that I have time to sit. Time to process, and time to be curious, and time to let go. In this state, I don't need to grasp. There is a certain amount of contentment even in the discomfort. I recognize the polarizing attachments. Recognize my desire to tell stories so that I have something to hold onto. Recognize and amuse myself. Building sand castles,  attaching to the story, watching them get swept away. 
I want to spend some time practicing inviting the feelings in. All of them. Be the guesthouse. Be a welcoming host. Getting to know what they have to teach. Finding some truth, whether it be in following my soul's journey, or G-d's or recognizing that none of it matters at all and escaping samsara for a millisecond.  I don't have any answers. But I would like to be curious. I would like to people watch, get to know myself and you. 

I've got no job,
no kids,
no partner,
no pets,
paid the rent,
and no substantial debts,
in need of nourishment,
yet of these prospects,
I'm circumspect,
tell me which
is heaven sent
and I swear
I'll bend my will, this time
for the blessing.

End of November

It's Thanksgiving.
I have been feeling ok, but kind of sad all day.
A family member works with Molly, and the idea of getting information from her was difficult not to ask for. But I didn't want to throw her in the middle, since they still have to work together. I've been going back and forth on things all day like that. Missing the idea of get togethers with her. Missing the fantasies I had of us spending our lives together. Missing little things we did together and how I often felt content to just be near her.
Then again, it's also easy to turn the hurt or grief, or longing into anger. And a couple times today I had to remind myself that she hasn't treated me very well, in order to not reach out and say happy thanksgiving. Etc. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but why am I always the one making contact?  -Its easy to get caught up in the fantasy that she still loves me, and also easy to remind myself that she doesn't. Oh well.

Tomorrow is my last day of work. I still have a lot of work to do. But I am also pretty confident I can get it done. I am not sure if I want to go to sleep now and wake up early (feeling like this is the best option), or stay up late and get some work done now.

I didn't sleep well last night, and my stomach hurts from eating too much today.
It should be a pretty easy day. Stop by to say goodbye to a few clients and get a bunch of paperwork done.


I've been feeling better about a lot of things lately (until today). I suppose holidays are hard.
It was helpful to remind myself that I am afraid of heartbreak, and rejection, and loneliness, and not knowing what I am doing or when I will be content again.... but that I am already facing these things, so it's not that things will get worse. Just more of the same. And I can handle that.

I am looking forward to watching netflix and playing computer games, and writing and reading, and getting bored.
I am also nervous about jobs. But I can take a week or two to consider options before I start applying... and even my boss said he would be a reference.

Oh well. Sleep?
It's the loneliness that gets to me, heart ache, stomach ache, head ache. But mostly I am just lonely.
I miss having someone to love.

Its funny to read all the poems I wrote about her before we were a couple.
Because they are as true now as they were then. I am a fortune teller. I told myself I was losing myself in her, and that I wanted to, and then I did, and then I was lost so much so, that the same questions resound in my head so many moments later...  how much does the whale miss you?

End of Nov

I should be doing the case notes and paperwork I have to complete before tomorrow. 
But I am distracted. 
Distracted by a ghost. 
I was thinking today, how easy it would be to break the silence, email, text, call even. 
There is no barrier there, other than the possibility of rejection. 
And I have been rejected. So why am I afraid?

What am I so afraid of in life?  Like really...
What are my fears, and how are they shaping my life, limiting it, molding it into something less special?  I've been feeling overwhelmed, and cut off from myself and the world. The world does not feel like it wants to reward outlandish behavior, be more conservative, have boundaries, rules, etc... 
but why? 
Only to protect myself from fear and hurt, right?
I am hurt!  I am angry!  I loved someone and I don't know why they don't want to talk to me anymore... that's what is.

But I am quitting my job this week. And I don't know what the future holds. Probably more pain, more heartache, more jealousy and insecurity and failures and embarrassment... and probably that's fine. I can deal with that. 


I was thinking the thing that pisses me off about the current situation is that I vacillate between thinking she is a capable person, who chose to hurt me and is therefor an asshole OR an incapable person who doesn't know how not to hurt me (and herself and others) and therefor is deserving of pity.. and either way, that's stupid. It's not accurate. It's not the truth. It's not real... She is neither a monster nor a child, but these circumstances have painted a stupid picture.

What picture am I choosing to paint?
Is the world hostile or abundant?
Am I capable of loving, and giving, and being loved? or am I a pity party?
Why choose victimization when you can choose empowerment?

So.... I am writing this because I really need to do a deep dive on my fears, and my perspective and my choices and behaviors in life. 

My heart hurts, but I don't need to be afraid. 

Mid november

It's a Sunday. I'm not sure how I feel about Sundays anymore. 
I enjoy going to church (though I should have had some coffee earlier today). 
I hung out with Vic for a few hours and it was nice to catch up, but I was also feeling a little low (maybe the weather). We went to the cemetery and inside the little chapel with some amazing mosaics, and momentarily I felt a wonderful lightness in witnessing the human made beauty. 
As we talked, I realized I didn't have much to say, because I don't have a major project or a next step planned. I was talking a lot about what had been, and the understandings I've come to, and the things I am trying to remember as I go forward. I suppose we were talking about those things. It wasn't simply one sided.

The rest of the day has been very low key. I took a nap at my shaky desk, suddenly caught up in the need for sleep. I did some laundry. I made some food (probably the reason for the sleep).  I looked at my schedule for the next few days. I wrestled with competing thoughts of whether my relationship with Molly was positive or negative, not sure why I am thinking about this... maybe just because I missed her and didn't want to get swept up in fantasy or nostalgia, when the reality (sometimes hard to remember) is that despite whatever good times, or meaning I made of it, she wasn't interested in continuing. But I still have fantasies of getting an email, or a letter, or a phone call. Or having her show up at my door and say "Hey, I fucked up... let's figure out how to start over."

I'm recognizing a lot about her, in my hurt, in my growth, in my anger, in my nostalgia and love. I am recognizing a lot about myself, and what I really want. But I saw a couple doing laundry together and missed the companionship. Missed having a person. Thats a lot of it. I recognize that I have had this with other loves, who don't call me anymore and don't really call to me anymore either. That will be the same with Molly. I will move on, meet someone new, maybe have a better chance not so riddled with mistrust and miscommunications. But as is often the case, it's hard to move forward when you don't have a crush or a love interest to look forward to.

A coworker of mine got out of a (much longer) long term relationship at the same time I did. She has spent her nights partying. She acknowledges that it has impacted her work, and doesn't care, she is doing what she needs to do to not dwell. We are all so different, and so similar.

I am that kind of desperate too. I started meds. I am on my phone on average 3 hours a day playing stupid little games (usually while watching netflix or in-between visits). 
I can't even focus long enough to read a book, or write when I go to coffee shops. Maybe they are the wrong books. I am worried about December, but also hoping that the boredom or feelings drive me into the next thing. Because this isn't right... But as Vic was saying, maybe it isn't about what should happen, or trying to control it, but just saying "I could live with ------" and allowing that to be the standard. 

I could live with a month or two without work... if I felt like I was making progress on writing, growth, making friends, and finding a good job. 

I am done with work in a couple of weeks. 
I am already transitioning and closing folks, but its one of those things that was weighing heavily on me, and now I am kind of feeling relieved, and also feeling a little regret. Its not the right fit for me, just like Molly wasn't. But it had enough that I felt life was offering me something. Just enough challenge, enough growth, enough connection that I didn't run screaming... or just enough that I felt it was worth my time for a while and allowed myself to live and love the role. 

Thats the problem with Mike. I grow nostalgic even for the terrible things once I get some relief. 

There were good things. And I miss and will miss them. 

The Darkness

This week was hard. Last weekend I was too alone, and it was too cold. I haven't been able to go for the walks I might normally go on, the sky is gray, it snowed last night, and my job has gotten more stressful even though I am leaving in 4 weeks. I have told some of the families I am working with. A few people around the office know. But generally things are still moving forward as if they weren't gonna fall apart.

I just began the book "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron a buddhist nun. I just finished the book "Its ok to laugh, crying is cool too." By Nora Mcinerny.

Last weekend and at the beginning of the week, I fell into a depression. I was lonely, and couldn't find my own thoughts or voice, I wasn't sure of myself, I wanted to laugh, but kept crying instead, my thoughts swirled so much that I began feeling crazy. I couldn't remember what was up and what was down, and all I knew was that I was heart sick, and wanted someone to love me. Not any old person, but someone specific. I couldn't imagine getting through anything without the reassurance that Molly cared about me, and it felt so urgent that had to spend moment after moment reminding myself that I could urge surf through it. I was fine when I was with my clients, but almost every other thing felt stupid and I felt lost. I was irritable. I wanted to snap at people. I wanted to say, do you really think I have anything left for you right now?  The urgency of it, and my swirling thoughts, and my guilt, and my shame, and my self-belief that I was incredibly stupid for falling in love with someone who clearly didn't care about me drowned out almost everything. I began to have suicidal thoughts.
That really scared me.
I understood that they were thoughts of escape, more than a desire to die, but it was difficult to figure out reasons why I wanted to live, and that is a scary place to be.  I tried to practice gratitude. Or rather, I did practice gratitude, and it made me feel better for a bit, but this depressive mood continues to hang over me.
I went out and bought more vitamins, started using my happy light for light therapy, made myself walk to the store a couple of times because I wasn't getting my normal walk around the lake in, and reached out to a couple folks. I went to the doctor on Thursday morning before going to my own work of 3 long appointments with clients, and at the doctor I told the nurse that I was struggling with anxiety and depression, and when she read my blood pressure I began to cry and felt like I was gonna have a panic attack. She asked if we should proceed with the flu shot and the doctor appointment and I tearfully said yes.
For 20 minutes I sat around in the room and practice deep breathing, and tried to remind myself of what I was going to say to the doctor, and it kept making me cry. I felt defeated. I had to fill out a depression and anxiety scale. I had to admit to myself that I was miserable. I had to acknowledge that all the things I was doing to pull myself up weren't enough and I needed more help.
The doctor was nice about it. She understood and didn't stigmatize me at all. I listed off coping skills and things I was doing as if I was the healthiest person ever... and still had to admit that I was out of my mind. That all my head kept saying was "Reach out to her, or your life is meaningless."

I've been playing around with the ideas of co-dependency lately. I feel like my anxious attachment stuff is super real, but its hard to objectively state why I should or shouldn't feel a certain way.
I had a relationship that I convinced myself was going to be the direction my life was taking, and I put other things on hold to invest in it. It didn't turn out well, and now I am not speaking to that person because she doesn't have the energy to take care of my heart. It feels like I have been ghosted, but I asked her for the time away. The urgency and guilt and confusion, feel like I missed a dose.

I've been here before. Numerous times.  This is part of my pattern of love.

I know I need to do things differently next time, but I am unsure how to do that.
I fall in love with people. Recognize their humanity. Their soul. Forgive their mistakes easily. Take on too much responsibility. Struggle to let go, even as they push me away.

I need more practice. But each time feels like it makes it harder to love, I am afraid of being hurt.

I watched a series of videos that helped offer me some objective perspective (school of life), and it was great because I recognized that I was still trying to take control/responsibility for her actions, choices etc, and that ultimately that is not a relationship.  I don't want that. I got angry with her for a day -why can't you figure your own shit out? Own it? Talk through it? So I can forgive you for real, so that I can move forward or at least have an understanding of what the hell I've done with my life. As the video says, I keep thinking she is on the cusp of changing... because to me we had so many good times that it seems weird that she wouldn't want to keep that.  But maybe they weren't that good?  or maybe she has found something better? or maybe she doesn't believe she deserves better? --- I can think of 50 reasons why she can't or won't come back to me -all of which I would readily acknowledge and forgive in order to maintain some level of connection, but the reality is that it is her responsibility if she wants a relationship with me. If she wants any kind of connection, it is on her to try.
But, I don't need to blame her, either. I need to hold her accountable, otherwise it isn't a relationship.
I've decided I shouldn't reach out unless she does. It's really hard.
I need to love myself. Treat myself with as much compassion and forgiveness and love as I would her. But that's hard to do. It's really hard.

Humans aren't meant to live like this (isolated).
We are meant to be in groups, in families.
Our work is not meant to kill and deprive us,
it is meant to provide and nurture.
Everything in my life is slightly off.
I need a little help getting it back on track...
I'll have to work on it.

A year gone by

Relationship:

I spent the last year in love. I spent the last year out of touch with myself, and certainly not writing. Well mostly it was love. Our relationship began almost two years ago. It slowly developed as a friendship, then sneaking around, and then a relationship that was at least somewhat public. If I look back at all the posts from 2018 nearly all of them are about her. All those redflags, all that trying to warn myself. I wanted it. It's my heartbreak to bear. 

There were lots of nuances. There was a lot of pretending things were ok. There were a lot of wonderful times, and genuinely I thought we could learn and grow and figure things out. Daily, I pictured myself growing old with this woman, raising a family together. Then suddenly we were not a couple, and in the immediate, I knew it was the right decision... but the grieving has been so difficult that I often can't even remember why... 

I am not currently talking to her. I have never had a great record with trying to maintain distance, and I don't really want to now. I want to reach out. But when the other person isn't interested, what can you do? She responds to my texts and emails, occasionally picks up the phone. But it is a one sided thing that leaves me spinning. 

I've been spinning for this girl for two years. I am not sure why. I am not sure if it is a fated thing, an attachment thing, or simply just the first person who mutually showed interest. She is terrible at communicating. She doesn't know herself well enough to say what she wants, and then suddenly she is gone. Or maybe she was faking it so long, she didn't know what was what. 

I loved her on a bunch of different levels. The real her. I still do. It's hard sometimes to remember to be angry or hurt. I just miss making dinner with her. I miss hearing about her world. It's hard to remember boundaries, its just that my best friend is gone. I guess, she never believed I loved her... or at least that is what she is telling herself.  I think it would be too hard to acknowledge the truth and then leave without looking back. 

How much of it was fake? It's kind of a weird question... on some level all relationships feel fake, a mutual agreement to believe. Well I believed. Even when I saw evidence to the contrary, and I got hurt for it, but I was in. I was hurt and angry, and frustrated, and loved her all the same, and her kids. I think even though I barely knew them, I still loved them. I have a big gooey heart.

It's a messy story, and I want cleaner lines. Hell, I want to talk it out with her and decide on a mutual narrative even if it that we weren't right for each other (which I still struggle to believe). 

I have a lot to learn about love and relationships, and choosing partners. 

*********************

It's been about 6 weeks. 

Break ups are strange in that you try to piece together some idea of what happened, what you need to change, what they need to change, what's the right level of blame... when ultimately, its more like two people met and got along for a while, and then they didn't. 

Not much more than that. And I can ask myself why I am so attracted to people who are self oriented, but I think if we look at my pattern, it is easy to see that I like losing myself in others until I get hurt. And I wonder how much of that is driven by me saying "take this part of me, I am sick of holding it alone..." and maybe I don't know what real relationships are... because I am just trying to avoid my own stuff... or maybe I was trying to be healthy, until I couldn't. 

I keep considering whether I need to meet someone new to move on. 

It doesn't always happen that way. Sometimes the other person meets someone and its easier to let go. But I can't even facebook stalk her to know for sure. So many reasons to be wary... I roll my eyes at myself. 

I have a hard time with the idea of meeting someone new. I am right back to where I was before the relationship. Lonely. Not the best self esteem. Soon to be unemployed for a bit. Trying to get involved in a few things so as not to be alone every night. But the idea of online dating... I want to sign up just to look at people... not because I am interested. I am not interested. 

I am still hung up. 

I need to start writing, reading and drawing again. 

I am out of practice. 

Fall too

This week has been hard. I feel like I need to cry, maybe I do. Some fog permeating my aura, a half inch above and below my skin. Almost invisible, not stagnant but moving, permeable. And sometimes a joke or a good picture will cut through it. But mostly it feels like a hazy curtain. Part of it is the weather of course. The dark creeping in, the cold that lasts from night into mid afternoon. Part of it is work. I am not feeling successful. I am not seeing an easy means of success that would show I was worthwhile. Some of my cases feel hopeless, and the ones that don't are also logistically nightmarish. The work space is fine, and then cold and lifeless. People are nice and then absent. Part of it is societal. The supreme court nominee was accused of sexual assault, an incident that happened when he was a teenager, but still too real. He reacted petulantly, but will probably still get a life time appointment. If he had said "yes, I did that, I'm sorry. I've been trying to make up for it since." Would the story feel so disheartening? There is no new information but I am drawn to the news. Part of it is that I feel like I am settling into comfort, hibernation. The crazy excitement and mystery is wearing off, but I still feel drawn in a different way. I want more time to just be, but worry we will always be running away.

The idea of having my own children is slowly fading. Sure, I could adjust to the task, but do I want small ones? Do I want that constant responsibility? Worry? Insecurity?

Socially, I feel like I should be reaching out to people, but I don't know what that would do. Would I just feel more quartered? I want to integrate my life.

I want the malaise to lift.

Fall

The weather is turning. This week has been hard: storms and gray, but also the chaos of an unstructured life, and the crisis of the week my clients are facing. Its easy to start to get down on yourself, and then you look around and by comparison you're doing just fine.
Work is going well, but I am also falling behind already. I should be doing my paperwork more regularly. Reaching out to people. Getting a good sense of what is possible from the clients. People seem to like me, feel they can confide in me, but I also wonder who is lying or covering and why. The work is also a bit lonely. I like consultation on fridays, but it is also depressing to hear about families with such dire situations.
I feel like I see people in dreams. Like things are familiar. Like there is love and deep connection. Most of my social relationships have gotten a little shallow. Or a deep dive and then weeks without talking. I've had an attitude of why bother reaching out when I don't know what I can give. I've had an attitude of not wanting to invest when I am not sure the investment will pay off. But it is passive, not malignant. I think the more I find connection and fulfillment in my primary relationship, the less satisfying many of my friendships feel. And I need to find a better balance, because I can't depend entirely on one person, even if she is who I want to be talking to. I think my saying this, is just an acknowledgement of where I am right now, I am not sure it will last but I don't mind it being this way. Having a partner in that way feels really nice. I don't always trust it. This week amongst the hidden sun, and the wind, and the sprinkling in the air, I also experienced some strong moments of insecurity. Of worry.
I caught myself trying to figure out how satisfying life would be without her right now, and it was difficult. I know that I would continue working, but would it suck? Would I feel like I could reach out to coworkers, would I simply become more isolated again? I know that I would probably write more, but would I feel invested in life or just avoiding?  I know that I would prepare for a trip, probably next summer, and that I might put off those life things again in the meantime. Its hard for me to envision meeting someone else. More than likely I'd regress to that same old state,  the same way that the few years before meeting her, I was looking and not finding. But still there are promises and then there are promises. There are dreams and there are plans, but these things take time. There are friends and families and these things are important, and inevitably put off, and for good reason. Because they are important and my rushing doesn't help anything.
I am reading Trainspotting. More or less I simply imagine the actors who play the roles, so it isn't nearly as exciting as other books. Many of the scenes are a little more complete in the book form. I like it, but I also find it tedious at times. This is normally why I don't read books twice.
I've put off getting an apartment for another month. I think I need to focus on work, and M seems to be fine with me and my current situation for now. I was so embarrassed that for months we snuck around parking lots and stores, and parks. But we are still finding the balance.
Maybe next month things will seem more settled, maybe she'll be less interested, maybe I will be, who knows.

I didn't have enough caffeine today. I need to do paperwork, but I don't want to in public, but I also don't want to sit in my room all day. Maybe I will do some reading/editing.