Mid november

It's a Sunday. I'm not sure how I feel about Sundays anymore. 
I enjoy going to church (though I should have had some coffee earlier today). 
I hung out with Vic for a few hours and it was nice to catch up, but I was also feeling a little low (maybe the weather). We went to the cemetery and inside the little chapel with some amazing mosaics, and momentarily I felt a wonderful lightness in witnessing the human made beauty. 
As we talked, I realized I didn't have much to say, because I don't have a major project or a next step planned. I was talking a lot about what had been, and the understandings I've come to, and the things I am trying to remember as I go forward. I suppose we were talking about those things. It wasn't simply one sided.

The rest of the day has been very low key. I took a nap at my shaky desk, suddenly caught up in the need for sleep. I did some laundry. I made some food (probably the reason for the sleep).  I looked at my schedule for the next few days. I wrestled with competing thoughts of whether my relationship with Molly was positive or negative, not sure why I am thinking about this... maybe just because I missed her and didn't want to get swept up in fantasy or nostalgia, when the reality (sometimes hard to remember) is that despite whatever good times, or meaning I made of it, she wasn't interested in continuing. But I still have fantasies of getting an email, or a letter, or a phone call. Or having her show up at my door and say "Hey, I fucked up... let's figure out how to start over."

I'm recognizing a lot about her, in my hurt, in my growth, in my anger, in my nostalgia and love. I am recognizing a lot about myself, and what I really want. But I saw a couple doing laundry together and missed the companionship. Missed having a person. Thats a lot of it. I recognize that I have had this with other loves, who don't call me anymore and don't really call to me anymore either. That will be the same with Molly. I will move on, meet someone new, maybe have a better chance not so riddled with mistrust and miscommunications. But as is often the case, it's hard to move forward when you don't have a crush or a love interest to look forward to.

A coworker of mine got out of a (much longer) long term relationship at the same time I did. She has spent her nights partying. She acknowledges that it has impacted her work, and doesn't care, she is doing what she needs to do to not dwell. We are all so different, and so similar.

I am that kind of desperate too. I started meds. I am on my phone on average 3 hours a day playing stupid little games (usually while watching netflix or in-between visits). 
I can't even focus long enough to read a book, or write when I go to coffee shops. Maybe they are the wrong books. I am worried about December, but also hoping that the boredom or feelings drive me into the next thing. Because this isn't right... But as Vic was saying, maybe it isn't about what should happen, or trying to control it, but just saying "I could live with ------" and allowing that to be the standard. 

I could live with a month or two without work... if I felt like I was making progress on writing, growth, making friends, and finding a good job. 

I am done with work in a couple of weeks. 
I am already transitioning and closing folks, but its one of those things that was weighing heavily on me, and now I am kind of feeling relieved, and also feeling a little regret. Its not the right fit for me, just like Molly wasn't. But it had enough that I felt life was offering me something. Just enough challenge, enough growth, enough connection that I didn't run screaming... or just enough that I felt it was worth my time for a while and allowed myself to live and love the role. 

Thats the problem with Mike. I grow nostalgic even for the terrible things once I get some relief. 

There were good things. And I miss and will miss them.