Midnight thoughts

Reading: Seat of the Soul
Thinking about: life lessons
Worried about: sleep pattern, next steps in life
Distracted by: silence, the invisible agitation of boredom and loneliness, the millions of little distractions that I choose because I don't know what else to do.


I am aware that I am lonely, I am also aware that I don't want distractions. I continue to choose them, minute after minute, because I remain unsatisfied with things regardless of what I choose. What I really want are people who I can bounce ideas off of, truths, something real, something vibrant. Most of the time, I don't feel like I have the energy to do that justice, so instead I am quiet, or say the same things over and over again, or get insecure. Or I remain isolated, watching bullshit tv or videos on my phone, unsure what to do with all the time.

I've been getting in arguments in my head, because anger is a type of energy, and it beats boredom and loneliness. But I am also feeling incredibly grateful right now, and that's a weird mix.
I am wanting to fight with Molly, to get her to open her eyes. And also, I am wanting to thank her for sending me away so that I could open mine. What a gift relationships are. What a gift heartbreak can be. What a gift to have the space to reflect. What a gift to experience deep dissatisfaction. What a gift to recognize a desire in all the suffering for something more. What a gift to be privileged enough to wait. What a gift to be privileged enough to have opportunities.

I bought $80 worth of art supplies because there was a sale, then got home and decided to try to sleep instead of playing around with them. I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I have a toothache, and an appointment that might cost me way too much money to get it fixed. I have the money.

What I don't have are plans for the future, or a desire to set them in stone. Each day I wake up and say "You should do ----- today." and normally I can check 1-2 things off the list, but the big things remain undone. I was "supposed" to be looking for jobs this week, but I haven't even updated my resume.


The LICSW license requires another year or two of clinical work, which I feel like is a worthy investment, but I am unsure what I want to do that fulfills the obligation, and also leaves me excited for the future. Maybe I just need to find a good group practice and do outpatient for a shitty cut. A year or two of that and I can take on my own clients on the side for cash. Start doing teaching gigs, volunteer, make some art, or write a bit more.

My brain feels like mush, but really I think I am just adjusting to the recognition that I have been yearning for someone else's path, but have to get back to mine.
It's my own form of avoidance.
I want a partner. I need to remember that partnership is not the end goal in itself, but a means to support the journey.