urgency and anxiety

 

It's Sunday 11/8/26 around 2:44 PM and I've accomplished most of what I set out to do today. 

There is fresh food in the fridge and the cupboards are full. The closet is full of clean clothes, and the towels are in the washer. The floor is clean, though there may be dust around on the surfaces I never touch. The bills are paid, though a little could get transferred to pay off the credit card. The week ahead doesn't look so busy. Neither does the one following. Or really any ahead in general. 

 I didn't see any of my friends or family this weekend. Though I have plans to this week. I went to a protest for like 3 hours yesterday surrounded by people, got to see some of downtown St. Paul I haven't seen in a while. Did some walking. listened to some great music and danced. Took a bite of a free hotdog and reminded myself I hate hot dogs.  

Got a massage today. It felt great. I took out the garbage and the recycling. I can do 15 minutes of spanish or a single lesson. I could go for a walk again, check out the falling yellow leaves. I could drink more coffee. 

I got that tooth fixed, already through with the antibiotics and have probiotics ready for the next few days, and fruits and veggies to rebuild the microbiome. 

The dems won so strongly, sending a signal... no more fascism and if he doubles down, well... then there is an entire nation ready to say no. 

So why do I always feel behind? Feel on high alert all the time. Feel like there are too many tasks on my list to feel calm. Feel like I am fucking up?  Feel like there must be a reason for the spikes of worry. I've been running into this OCD thing again... that maybe its just become my personality, always replaying conversations in my head, checking for mistakes, worrying that I've fucked something up and everyone will hate me. Has it become so routine, that it doesn't even feel alarming? That an alarm is blaring so much that I've sort of forgotten that hum isn't something natural. Like when the vents are blowing and then suddenly shut off, and you hear silence... and you go... holy fucking shit. 

I think of how hard I make it for others. All these moral judgments of myself, these boundaries that feel like laws of nature. Cross one and find out. I had a bite of a hot dog, and worried I'd have to spit it out. I reminded myself other people are eating this, it isn't poisoned. How much greater the alarm when someone I love transgresses and sees my doubting face. 

I was thinking about how I could never call E pretty, or beautiful. Not that she wasn't, but that I felt worried that if I lied even once, I wouldn't be able to sit with it. I look at pictures of us, and think wow. I really loved that woman. But I wouldn't have called her beautiful in that moment, because I called M beautiful and found out I was lying to myself, and the transgression left me so on edge that I couldn't deal with it. It was the mixed feelings. The being so attracted to someone and also so worried. I was thinking this morning that I wish I had at least told E that if there had been a room full of the most beautiful people on earth, I'd still have spent my time looking at her, enjoying her presence, called to her. It would have been true, even if I stole glances at another. I wasn't interested in any other.  I wanted her to shine bright. 

I think it might have been one or two of the worst years of her life, and it changed things. I find it funny now because I have access to all of that love of her as a person, but when I talk to her I don't feel it in the moment - there is a distance now. That's how I knew it was time to move on. And I am glad she is... because I didn't want to dim her light and I know by the end I was as much part of that dimming as the illness. All my judgements, all my controlling, all my inability to be free and impulsive, to be excited, ecstatic... too much worry.  She often wouldn't tell me how she felt until I'd told her. We were playing the same game... is it safe?

This week I've been considering how I want to respond to my step mom. She wrote an email last week. In it, she said she'd been respecting my distance and that she would continue to do so unless I wanted to be invited back onto the family group chat. The truth is that it felt really good to be asked. The truth is that part of me didn't feel worthy of it. The truth is that when I searched my feelings after what she shared, I still didn't trust her or want a relationship with her. So I've been wrestling all week. I thought, maybe after election night, maybe after a few days, my current theory is that I need to do some journaling or writing about it, which I've been avoiding this weekend -playing games and watching movies instead, and then have breakfast with my brother tomorrow before making a decision. But I find myself just as angry sometimes as the day we fought. In her email she said she was trying to keep the peace. That politics and religion and abortion are topics that shouldn't be brought up because they divide us. That despite what she had said, she wasn't trying to make herself the victim. 

I replay the conversation over and over even though it was 8 months ago (?)... and I don't believe her. I think she shared what she meant... and I think I find it repulsive. I don't think she is taking accountability for her point of view, I don't think she is curious or empathetic to mine... I think she is calling for a lasting ceasefire...

My therapist suggested 'you still have this desire to save your dad, but I don't pick that up with her... when you were a kid, it wasn't your choice to bring her into your life, it's your choice whether you continue to have her.'  and it was weird to hear her voice these things... because it sounded mean. It sounded mean (and my internal obsessive ethics say that's not allowed...). But if my hurt and pain are not respected, if my livelihood and community are disrespected (at best), and her solution is put your beliefs and values and experience on hold while we talk... then why do I owe her anything? That's not a relationship. That's going through the motions to appease. That's avoidance and fawning. 

Are there things I can respect and honor in her? sure. But would I choose to hang out with someone that was ok with someone I love being hurt? Or worse, back it -No idea if she actually is a trump supporter but she doesn't criticize him -where as she would criticize Joe Biden. I mean... it's one thing if it's at work. It's another thing to want to break bread with people who fundamentally see the world in a very different and very dangerous way. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt... maybe they just don't know better. But they aren't choosing to learn... so meh. I didn't choose her to be part of my life. I don't owe her anything. I need the information for my phone... that's about it. 

But this wasn't what I wanted to talk about yet... that topic was to be saved for later. No what I wanted to talk about is the idea of what freedom looks like on the other side of this anxiety... 

And I don't know. 

The other day I was thinking that if either of my parents died, I'd probably go travel again. Not likely the other one would pass immediately right? I was thinking I am turning 43 in a few months, and if this is my one precious life... then what do I have that I really value enough to hold onto it?  

I have a business, but I can already tell it won't last in its current iteration... I just don't know what the next pivot is. I have an apartment I am done with. Books and clothes and art supplies I can get rid of. I have no pets. I see friends maybe once a week or every other week. I go to events by myself. I don't see my family all that much. I am not invested in a community here... so maybe its time to go travel again? Not that it has been helpful for maintaining or investing in community. But if I get to 45 and life looks the same?  I am ready for a year in India, maybe slowly making my way east into Indonesia.  It will be hot. It will be humid. It will be dysentery. There will be pollution and bugs. Maybe I'll never come back. But that would be something right?

What do I want to do before I die if I don't have a family?  I want to finish my book. I want to see more of the world. I am a single person adrift.

I could work abroad. I could volunteer or take a course. 

The longer I am a therapist, the more disillusioned I am with the field, maybe I am just not good at it. Maybe people are complex and we are fooling ourselves. When folks are motivated it is easy. When folks are struggling, a therapist isn't gonna be enough to make it better. We walk along side with whatever expertise we have, but... meh. 

And the world is getting more and more unnatural, and that means we will face bigger and bigger consequences, and to pretend like that can be salved with some thoughts or behavioral coping skills? 

Either creation is perfect with all its blemishes, or its broken and unfixable. And I believe both... and I know I will continue to mend where I can, but I don't think being in denial is helping.  Name it aloud, admire it's brokenness... my life is either gonna get more spiritual or its gonna become more despair... that is, if I am alone. 

I keep thinking about how easy it feels when you meet someone... not that I don't continue to constantly worry, but that in my worry, I also have more hope... the despair is shared? 

I think part of why my job is not sustainable, is that I don't have a community or family to balance it. I go from having these worries, problem solving, listening and holding all day, to staying stuck in my own shit all night... but anyway... this realization I had that if suddenly one of my parents died, I'd probably say fuck it, and leave... made me realize I am still playing out this 'be a good boy' shit. Like I am trying to hold this life I've cobbled together -together, but I don't even really like it. All my attention is on sustaining... I like my job, but it isn't life giving. I like my apartment, but it isn't life giving. I like my routines, my rules, my blah blah blah... but they aren't really life giving -they are the things I do to survive and not feel overwhelmed. Prep for the week ahead. Prep for the day ahead. Prep for the decade ahead. But in the moment?   

Its3:37 I have approximately 3 things to do. 1) a few minutes of spanish 2) a few minutes of paperwork 3) feed myself dinner and maybe do the dishes.   I know I can accomplish all of that easily... but to fill the time of my life -without worry... I will spend at least 5 hours distracting myself or napping. Ignoring the life I have worked so hard to sustain.