Tuesday

 Last night I struggled to sleep. It was a mixture of having tea at dinner and too much soy sauce (Benihana at MOA). My feet were swollen and I was uncomfortable. Not in pain, but just enough discomfort that it was hard to fully drift off. I wasn't very present though. My mind was not cogent enough to put together any beautiful or creative thoughts, no problem solving, just a nagging. 

When I finally got to sleep, I woke up frequently. So I am tired. 

This morning I had a dream I remembered. In the dream I was going around to different places, at first it felt like I was traveling and adventuring. Eventually it felt more like I was grabbing things from different stores, more like running errands. And then I found myself running late for something. 

It turns out it was a math test. I felt nervous. Upon getting to my seat, I found out that the computer/calculators they were supposed to have given us for the test weren't working. The teacher shrugged and basically said, "do it without them." I felt overwhelmed, felt like there was no possible way for me to pass the test. I barely understood the material with a calculator... I'd been hoping to guess the random right buttons to press and muscle my way through the test to a passing grade... and now. I wanted to give up. I wanted to protest. I wanted to say this isn't fair, and it's not my fault. I wanted to say, fine, I will fail your test and see you next year (like I did in high school).  

I grabbed a paper copy of the test and walked back to my seat. Someone had placed two photo/journal albums at my desk. They were from former students of mine. They were not necessarily about me or the time I spent with them, but collections saying "thank you, we did ok... look at all that we have accomplished because you cared about us." I paged through the journals and letters and poems, not reading them but just enjoying how much thought and effort they had put into it. I looked at the photos, barely recognizing any of these people as they aged into their adulthood. But regardless. I felt fulfilled. I felt proud. I felt like my life had mattered regardless of whether I pass the math test. I couldn't have cared less. 

When I woke up... I still felt some of that residual feeling of accomplishment. Of feeling like someone thought I mattered, that I had contributed, not because I mattered specifically, but because they had felt like they mattered and could accomplish great things. It was just them saying hi, back and back and back. 

I went to Benihana at the Mall of America last night with E. It was good food, we walked the mall for 30 minutes or whatever.... caught up with how the last few months had been going. It felt good, and yet not fully connecting. Felt like there was stuff not being said. She complimented my hair a couple of times. I felt -not necessarily distant, but not exactly comfortable either. There was a distance... I guess thats all I can say. I am not sure what it means, or where it will go. But it felt both good to reconnect, and odd... like maybe we were entering a new chapter in which our spheres dont overlap as much. 

On Sunday I went to a palm sunday protest with my Mom and step Dad. I liked it, but also felt a little like... "our these my people?"  just a bunch of well meaning white folks walking through frog town waving palms. 

Saturday was No Kings, and dinner with Illy. 

I liked the event, but also felt some pangs of tremendous sadness and kind of a frustration with the whole thing.  Something like 3700 people were kidnapped from Minneapolis, and we are celebrating it like its over. Like the good white people stood up and now everyone can relax and be proud of themselves. Its not over. Its still impacting thousands... what are we celebrating? 

I wanted to write something more substantial... want to write about my hope or my desire or the changes I am going to make... but I feel kind of braindead. I guess the shortened version is that it feels like something big will change soon. Maybe its someone dying. Maybe its someone choosing to live differently. I dunno... I just feel like it wont stay this way ... and I won't necessarily have to force my own hand. Maybe that is like wishful thinking... but it feels like things are shifting, Spring is in the air? or something. I am not sure if it will be better or worse.