It is Saturday. I am feeling kind of emotionally or physically drained, but not necessarily in a bad way. I hung out with E for like 4.5 hours today. We talked about the past, and the present, and tried to skip planning any kind of future, while saying what we were up for... given our current situation.
It was the weirdest mix of feelings... I cried a lot, I was relieved. I was comforted. I was reminded I love this person... but also reminded I am not in love with this person.
It was so odd to feel on the same page again to whatever extent we can be. To have both come to relatively the same conclusions despite spending months apart and not talking. To both be claiming a better place in our lives. I am still worried about her, and I am worried that I will somehow lead her on... but it felt so weird to be near her, it was just so fucking comfortingly familiar. It was having a best friend hanging in my car, out for a walk, eating lunch. It was so easy even though we talked about difficult things. It made me wonder why I wanted to leave. Made me wonder why she wasn't coming home. And then there was also that...
The reality of how our lives are separate now, how much has changed on her end, her family, even Simba not immediately recognizing me, and me not immediately recognizing him.
There were things that made it feel like an alternate universe, despite the ease of the connection. We walked around her neighborhood. I saw her room. Everything was different.
My heart let go of a lot of its hurt and its confusion... but it didn't necessarily want to grasp or cling. I am not sure if she did.
So even though I was crying and confused, and comforted- I also left feeling like... ok, that was closure in a sense. Now whatever new chapter is a new one.
And now I am back at our home... and its mine. And I am going about my life again, and its fine, not great, not terrible. I want to be productive, but I don't have it in me. I am doing laundry. I am maybe gonna go to a movie if I can stay awake.
I have church in the morning, and maybe a coffee chat with folks, and maybe the mayday parade, or maybe just going to Dads for his birthday in the afternoon. And its all ok. It doesn't feel captivating right now, because I am spent... but its ok.
I don't feel like I am heading towards anything... that part wasn't returned. And its tempting to throw my weight back into it. I could drive up there twice a week. I could get to know her family again. I could blah blah blah... but I am not sure I want to... I mean I do want to but not the same way. I don't want to have the life we had when I know it isn't leading to the thing that I had dreamed it would.
And even though we are both in better places, I don't think a lot of those underlying differences have changed in a way that would make it work. I want to be her friend, I want to have her in my life again. But I don't know what that looks like. And maybe I am still really heartbroken that it didn't work out the first time. Sad for me, I guess.
Yesterday I had therapy, and went to Costco and tried to do some business stuff.
Thursday I went to a protest, and the coffee shop and a walk.
None of it has been as productive as I'd hoped for in terms of the goals I had for these 4 days... but all of it has been really good. Like... I am very appreciative of this life and the people I've been able to share it with. Whatever the next chapters are... it'd be nice to know what that is... but like... I am grateful.
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