Weird feelings

 I kind of went over this with my mom an hour ago, but since I’m waiting for my game to load…

Today was odd. Work wise, I had a client transfer to another provider, and felt embarrassed like I’d been too much, made it about me, or wasn’t listening to the client enough. Then another client asked me for a legal letter or something that I wasn’t quite feeling was ethical, and it felt a little manipulative when he flattered me later in the session. The rest of the day was fine, except feeling helpless and wanting to rescue people… and that thought might have come up because E put things on a phone calendar and I noticed she had a bunch of upcoming medical appointments, which flung me back into worrying-care taking mode in my heart… and I know I don’t need to do anything, but I’m sad. Whereas other times in the week I was really angry at her… but now I’m empathetic again and wish I could do more because I feel helpless to support folks in their suffering/taking care of themselves - which was the theme of yesterdays therapy appointment, where I described dreams and feeling like I wasn’t doing enough, but also felt more confident in not jumping in - so I suppose this is a test or something - a

“ha, you think you’re over it? I’ll show you.”

And then at the end of the day I found out the company doing my credential stuff hadn’t been doing it all week (like I worries) because the email I sent them last week didn’t go through… or maybe I forgot to hit send or something… so I felt stupid. 

And today we a hard day… almost all of my clients are facing things outside of their control that are hurting them, and I can’t do shit about any of it, other than ask them if they can muster the courage to do something about it themselves and either confirm their worst fear or potentially be rewarded but there is no guarantee and the consequences would be dire if it doesn’t go well. 

And I think the thing that’s bothering me is that I know… I know that the feeling I tapped into earlier this week is true. That I actually did know best, that I actually understood, that I actually felt the reality of the universe and it was all ok… but today all the downsides showed up.. or some of them did, and I flinched… or got scared… because I’m not above it. I am of it. Even if I tap into the beauty of the universe, it doesn’t save me from the awful. 

And it’s sad. It’s heartbreaking to witness the suffering and experience it yourself.   My human heart cries.