Sunday the last day of August 2025

I am outside at Dogwood, its hot and probably too sunny, but also too loud to think inside.

I woke up late after a difficult night of sleep, between the tacobell I ate at 10:30, the mosquito and my general feeling of being awake even when I was asleep, it just kept seeming like I was never gonna be fully out. Then this morning, when I was meaning to wake up at 8, suddenly it was 9:30, suddenly 11. I missed church. It was the Harriet bandshell one… that I hadn’t really wanted to go to until the shooting in south Minneapolis- when suddenly it seemed important to have community, to be part of something.

So then it was 11:30 and I was getting out of bed feeling somewhat groggy, and my apartment seemed a mess and nothing was getting done.

So I spent till 3ish, doing laundry, prepping salad ingrdients putting up the hammock on the deck, decorating a touch, putting things in their right place, paying bills… getting my life in order as it were.

Then by 3 pm I started to feel like I could move forward with the week… what was left to do?  Write 3 poems for the weekend I’d basically lost steam. Work on the website. Do some paperwork.  All doable, and some needn’t be at home. So I trecked out, on this sunny day… and now I am here and sipping an americano, and not sure what to say.

All the tarot readings and the song I’ve head in my head all day speak of choices. Two directions, which will you choose?  I am not ever sure what my options are, except that there is a safe option and challenging one that promises more success ultimately.

“two points for honesty, it must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all…”

So what do I care about? And what choice do I really have?

I was reading “everything is tuberculosis” and he described a transman doctor in the early 1900s, who was kicked out of town after town, but introduced xrays, and I wondered how much good this person did by spreading this knowledge, despite the circumstances.  Its not that we do the thing we set out to do initially, but how we maintain and move forward despite the circumstances.

This weekend, I know I accomplished all my chores, but I don’t feel very accomplished. I am wrestling with how do I slow down again? Or how to I affect the changes I am looking to make? And I am not sure about either of those.

I seem to have paths before me, but none of them seem obvious, and the partnership I’ve been promised doesn’t seem apparent. Submission, acceptance, letting go… even these flowing states, I am not sure what I am supposed to be letting go?

The business is beginning and its going well so far. I need more clients but I am not in a dire situation as long as insurance eventually kicks in. I have a few things I need to clarify and work through… but my hope that by October everything is heading in the right direction feels right. Got a consult group for once a month. Setting up some meet and greets at the office. Not really using the pool or the gym much at the apartment but its ok.

So what are the next steps?  I keep coming back to things like -spiritual direction, the book, workshops and teaching, taking a class, getting trained… maybe planning a trip. All things I’ve done, all things that would be good, but none of them is like clearly THE path.

This whole school shooting the other day briefly made me wonder about doing something political re: gun violence. But its funny, I can’t imagine doing the therapy work there, because I am too pissed myself. It’s been hard even when my clients are struggling with it. Yes, its good for passion, but not great for thoughtful ways of proceeding.

Yesterday went to Crosby farm with Aryn and talked for basically 4 hours, walked in the woods for part of that. She is beginning the school year and rolling with all the stupid decisions the district has made… trying to be creative, trying to push back where she can. Its good work. It seems fun, but also I am sort of glad to be out of that system.

The previous few days talked with Schultz a lot -during bedtime which is odd. About guns and our lives, and our history of not being chaperoned when we were young for better and worse. It was really lovely to connect. I love her.

I think maybe that’s the difficult thing. I don’t know where to put my love, other than work. I am trying to do the self care self love thing, and its hard and feels especially hard when I am stressed and uncertain.  Haven’t eaten the best lately (see taco bell, donuts, cookies, candy, chocolate)… but also lots of salads and fruit. Not all bad I guess. I say this while I am considering getting baklava on the way home.

I went to the local Costco, and a new cub. Exploring a bit. Saw the new Ford plant area which is weird and suburb like, a development neighborhood… feels a little like it will be gated. Maybe would have been where grandma went to live.

I like the apartment and the office, and the business and not taking things too seriously. I could see myself being content, but I want somewhere to put my passion and my love.

I want it to feel meaningful and spiritual… and despite the spiritual direction thing seeming like a way of doing that, it also feels a little like I am just doing it to feed my spirit and not really for anything specific. A place where someone else can give me direction, and guide, rather than me making all the decision.

 

What poems am I gonna write?

It’s a good challenge, but its starting to feel unhelpful and more  guilting. When I have no thoughts, no muse, or Im scared of it not being what I want. Whats the point?

Maybe that’s my practice of submitting…

Opening opening opening…

This desire to say yes, but not know what to say yes to.

****

I walked along the road to Fresh Thyme, and back eating cantaloup with a baguette. I felt like I was traveling, free and wild, and nothing but my own agenda. The sky was blue. The air was clean. It was relatively quiet despite the cars and the greenline... I wonder why even in the midst of everything feeling ok, I can't quite settle. I can appreciate, but I am still wondering ... 

Its funny because how many of those times in europe or south america, was I wandering around with nothing, appreciative, but bogged down by deep worry, not afraid. Just in my head. Spiraling, talking to myself, talking to others in my head... I think of my trips as these beautiful periods of getting away, but allthewhile I am an antsy motherfucker. I've got a pint of orange juice and a baguette, and I am roaming the streets looking free like a gazelle on the plains... and just as anxiously.  

What next, what next, what next... I wonder if I will ever get past that. I'll be on my deathbed wondering what next... and hopefully grateful and curious, but still getting ahead of myself. Everyone around me hoping to have me present... never knew how. 

9:32

Thats the time when I started.

Ive been trying to write poetry every day. One poem a day kind of thing. I am technically on day 4, but messed up yesterday so wrote the poem I was thinking about this morning. 

Now I owe myself another. I don't know if I will make it or not. I haven't had very strong feelings or insights today. This morning I was feeling very optimistic but then I went to physical therapy and rushed to my first and only appointment and didn't have any time to have a second or third cup of coffee. I was noticing that I was somewhat irritable and kind of feeling lazy and knew it was because I needed some caffeine so I made a deal with myself that I would leave work and be productive elsewhere. 

So I went home for lunch -assuming I'd do paperwork in the afternoon and then have a nice evening. Instead I ate lunch and took a nap till like 4:30. Woke up feeling guilty that I'd wasted the day. So I made another deal with myself, get some work done, check a few things off your list and then walk to raising canes and back, and then do the rest of your work... which I did. So I am feeling more accomplished now... but still somewhat behind. 

Physical therapy went well, and the exercises are definitely helping me regain mobility and strength. The lady concurred that I should not be using the gym yet, which takes some pressure off. 

I'm averaging about 15 appointments a week and I need to get that up to 20 minimum within about a month. I am hoping to eventually be between 20-26 per week, which at times will feel really full, but will allow me to save money and not worry, and having a retirement account and what not. 

I still have about 5 clients that told me they want to follow but either haven't called or responded to emails (I assume it went to their junk mail). They have my contact information. I need to remind myself that most people are trying to enjoy the end of their summer, and may not be on my schedule. I am planning on opening up my waitlist... or whatever. I mean, just not have one.

Last night I went to the first of the new consult group. D and A were the folks I knew, she invited three others. Two of them do completely different jobs (school social work, and VA social work), she also asked if we were open to nutritionists and stuff. I was thinking I should ask if anyone wants to join. Maybe Tam. 

It was nice, I laughed a lot. Probably made a fool of myself but who cares. I realized later I was kind of guiding A in her facilitation. She was anxious and proposing things, then jumping ahead. I was anxious too, but excited to have something. I like the space she is in... its kind of like mine only more open and comfortable, where as ours is closed off and not comfy. But it is a clinic... so I guess that makes sense. 

I should ask D how many clients he is seeing. They are both doing the independent contractor thing. I wonder what their split is. 

I took the leap of sending out claims. Hopefully it will go well. Still have a few people who I need to collect their insurance info. I still need to fully enroll in medicare through Sessions. I still need to follow up with a few things. Its all weird to me and I have no idea what I am doing. learn by mistake has never been my strong suit. 

On Sunday I saw a bunch of Morris folks... and it was lovely. I am wondering if I want to be more invested in that group again, or whether the ship has sailed. Its so nice to feel wanted... accepted... welcomed... and I need to get over my own shit. 

This week I am planning on doing therapy in person (my own therapy).  Aryn on Saturday for a walk. Maybe Illy one of these nights. Jesse reached out a few times, it was nice to chat with her.  E cancelled on me because she is taking her test soon and it kind of felt good to not have the pressure. Its been weird because I have been wondering if I need more closure with her... but at the same time, I walked down university and back and didn't see anyone that I was like "oooh" and I guess what I mean by that is, I am meeting people, getting to know folks, going out more, trying to be more extraverted, but I am not like WOWed... and then it makes me wonder if Ive been too harsh, at least I really like being around E... I can't say that for most folks.. I like them in moderation. With her it was easy to spend two years  -but maybe thats part of the problem. It was easy to come home... but there wasn't much life.

I have some more paperwork to do, but it feels like stuff is getting easier, and its more just about keeping up now. I am probably doing it wrong, but as my therapist pointed out, no one is looking over your shoulder. No one cares. No one is reading your documentation... you might get flagged once a year... but its ok. 

So its starting to dawn on me that I need to start figuring out whatever my next thing is. Like... spiritual direction is an option. A training like in somatic therapy?   A group... volunteering... a class... 

I was kind of considering like tai chi, or something. Something physical but not hard. 

I realize I am looking for something someone else directs because I am having to make all the decisions for everything now that I am my own boss and living on my own. Its kind of exhausting. 

I am trying to keep up with exercise and health, spanish, some level of creativity, work, finances, cleaning, spirituality, news, social life... and even though that feels like a lot, I'm watching hours of youtube every day and taking naps. So I think I can ass one more thing.

I don't have my own health insurance figured out yet for next month and it's scaring me a lot. I need to figure it out in the next two days I think... because Monday is a holiday -I think I am planning on working that morning... because what's the difference. 

I dunno... other than the guilt and feeling behind, today hasn't had a lot of big feelings or insights like I said. 

I wish I had a crush.   Ok now I have to figure out a poem. no pressure.

 

Cool cool coll

 Just saw a video of someone saying “ the past has no meaning unless your ego is using it as evidence for why something is not working in your life.”  So I give up on blogging. 

Just kidding. Here’s some evidence I guess ha. Go for it ego. 

This week was both hard and somewhat motivating. I started actually working at my own business. I saw about 17 clients I think, but not all of them were billable - checked in with a few and filled out paperwork. The majority are DA sessions and I have written 5.5 out of the 12-13 I need to write. So tomorrow will be busy, and I am not sure yet whether next week will be the same - as lots of clients have contacted me but haven’t scheduled yet.

All in all, I basically have something like 20-25 clients following me. Which is pretty crazy. What business starts with so much guaranteed?

Along the way, I’ve been trying by to figure out insurance stuff and get my new apartment settled. Finally put books on shelves yesterday. Used the hot tub with my mom and the kiddos on Thursday as it was raining. 

Already gone through a weeks worth of groceries and even though it all felt alien at first, I can feel myself adjusting and it feels like my home rather than ours. Which is good. It’s a good change. Today I realized, despite the convenience of having underground parking, I need a large bag or basket or something to carry stuff up. Lots of target runs these days. 

Illy helped me some with the office and even though it isn’t in its final form, it feels more put together. Need to get some lamps and some plants. I had a client mid week who had paperwork to fill out and as they were doing so, I took a moment to settle into the space and get grounded. The first few days I’d been so anxious and on edge - I wasn’t settled in, it wasn’t me yet… after that appointment I started paying more attention to the space, started being part of it. I like it. I have more to add. 

I also need to do some community building, both at work and at home. Not sure what that means at home, but at work I started a lunch sign up sheet kind of thing. In the 5-6 months people have been there, no one has organized community. My introverted self is not happy that I have to step up, but it gives me a role and a way in… I guess? Maybe some humor? Maybe just fake it till you make it. 

On Friday I had physical therapy then raced to at Paul for two session, then to Minnetonka and Minneapolis to do paperwork. It was an accomplished day. Ooh also the books that night. 

But it’s also been exhausting. I’ve literally crashed and taken a nap every night at like 6:30. 

Physical therapy reminded me that despite progress, and utilizing my arm a lot these past few weeks, I can’t even do a push up right now. It made me self conscious. But also the exercises and planseem helpful. 

Today I went and did myofascial release (did I spell that right). And it was interesting. It was interesting to have someone curious about my body - very professional, but also like felt invested in. Lots of cash… I had a lot of emotions come up… a lot of feelings of anger, sadness, resentment. I had this weird recognition that one of the dominant feelings I tend to have in romantic relationships is of the other person needing something from me, and me wanting to please them… rather than feeling invested in. 

I also have been thinking a lot lately of how poorly I’ve treated my partners because it does become this weird care taker thing, all their accomplishments and input and awesomeness gets thrown out the window in that dynamic. Even E keeping our place clean - i cleaned for like 5 hours today, I never noticed that stuff, or when I did, I judged because I felt like it was something she was doing to avoid the harder thing. Or something she did when she got adderrall but wouldn’t do anything when she didn’t have it. And I was on edge and resentful rather than invested and loving. 

Which is hard because I know that I also feel those things. In fact I probably dwell on the love and investment and caring too much, and overlook all the resentment. 

I really suck at relationships. I need to work on that, but I think I also need a parter who is sort of at my level… I don’t know what that means exactly… but 

Anyway, I guess I’m saying a lot of resentment has been coming up. Leaving the apartment, feeling responsible to clean it and get rid of stuff, feeling like I was the one investing in her, but being told I wasn’t doing enough. It was really challenging.  She has apologized for all of this… but even cleaning today I was reminded again as I had conversations in my head with my landlord, trying to excuse why it got so dirty, or why I don’t even know what is mine (hers). I don’t know why there is a pile of boxes in the basement, and in the garage. I don’t know what these bins contain. I don’t know if that storage thing is mine or not. But I’m financially responsible for it all, as I was when we were together. And part of me is just like… hey keep the deposit, it was three years of being functional in the space. It really does need a paint job and a good mop. 

It was too much space for me to keep up in the last year or two. Thank god I don’t have a house.. I’d need someone to come and deep clean once every 6 months. 

I showered three times today. I’m not even full done with the apartment… but closer.

This week and next week I think will still be transition in work and home, then I think basically by September it’s about adding and making meaning and connections

I have a training in September. Maybe start the spiritual direction thing?maybe get trained in somatic therapy?

Maybe start planning a trip? 

The world is mine I guess…

In between managing every thing, I’ve had all these little moments of loneliness? Craving? I see people everywhere, and wonder why I am alone. It’s not the best feeling.  

Oh well… tomorrow, coffee, DA writing. Maybe some errands. 

Capricorn all this stuff for a little while longer… and take naps because they feel good, not because you are avoiding. 

Did I find enough evidence ego?  Feels like it was absolutely fitting of that quote. Sometimes I feel soooo healthy  and other times omg 

Nothing is taking me down, down, down

 St. Paul night 3? Last night it stormed, the tarot and astrologers made a bid deal out of lions gate portal and manifesting… my brothers and my mom helped me move on Thursday,  I hung out with Rachel this afternoon, for the most part everything is great. Spent the week alternating between packing and trying to set up the business, making trips back and forth to make the move easier, cleaning the apartment…

I’ve been avoiding journaling though, settling down, taking a moment to feel, cuz I’m sad. I’m excited to move forward. But I’m also grieving. I don’t really know what I want to say I guess. It feels good. But also sad. I always wanted to try living in one of these big modern apartments. If I can keep my energy up, I’ll have a successful business and can spend time trying to grow community in the building and outside of it. I can maybe start learning or trying something new. Maybe meet people. Rachel says I should have a meet cute in the building, and if it goes wrong we decided it will give me a reason to take the stairs (I live on the 4th floor). 

It’s good, I know it’s good. I know E and I were too different, and our differences registered as not heading in the same direction - with the exception of living in the moment. We were good at that… and/or distracting ourselves entirely. 

It’s good. But I am reluctant to reach out to her. I am reluctant to say goodbye to the old apartment. I am reluctant to have things end, some fear that I am missing out.  

Been thinking of a lot of old memories lately, years ago… little times of joy, of redefining who I am or what the world is… lots of change brings that about I guess. Maybe it’s truly time for a new beginning and I need to not feel guilty, just embrace it. But I do feel guilty. And anxious. And scared. And bored. And not sure what to do… but I am moving forward rather than getting stuck in those feelings.  Today it was gray out (after the storm) and even though the weather was nice, I could imagine loving in this apartment surrounded by other people and feeling very lonely (like all winter). I could imagine organizing a board game night too. I could imagine hanging out and feeling awkward and not knowing where I fit, and I can imagine both being ok with that and also feeling so uncomfortable I leave… I guess I have done all things. 

I don’t really know what to say… tomorrow I plan to go to church, stop by the old apartment. Going to my office and spending hours getting organized. Hoping the new desk gets delivered, putting it together. Maybe last minute buying a desk chair. 

Monday I start meeting with clients in the new space. I should probably test out how the software works and not be brand new to every little thing. But everyone tells me I’m over preparing and over anxious…. That being said, everyone also says they are happy proud amazed when I am prepared and have everything worked out… so I guess I’m not sure what to say. I fake it all really well. 

Lately I’ve had this weird nagging feeling that people just wonder why I’m 41 and not in a relationship or married. Like what is wrong with this dude? I had that feeling before E and before M and throughout my 20s when I was single. It’s hard to explain that I may look fairly put together (people keep remarking that I looked younger than I am) but that I have some pretty big blemishes or have invested in a lot of different things (not bad, just different).

I once said to E that I’ve never had a relationship longer than 2 years. We made it like 2y 8m I think. 

My last job was almost 3 years… and we/I lived in that apartment for about 3 years.

I used to do 3 year cycles with my hair (grow it out for three years then chop it). 

I dunno this thing called life is so strange. Business… then what? I hope things feel less like I have to do them, and more like I want to. That’s the goal moving forward. 

Keeping it all straight

 I did another run to the new apartment. I’m feeling better about the size, I didn’t realize how much storage there was and closet space. Like a ton in the bathroom. Not enough big spaces in the kitchen, but I can either leave the air fryer out, or put it on the top shelf. 

Even the living room, I think I might be able to make it work. Some stuff might block the large window/door to eh balcony… but if that is what it takes.   Now I’m just thinking do I want a desk? Or do I want the counter island to be my desk. I’ve used the kitchen table for the last few years… seems like it would be enough if I don’t end up setting up my slow ass desk top… but if I do, it will be crowded but fine. That’s kind of the end result. It will feel a little cramped, but fine. I think I can get rid of a few items and save the ones I really want. The tv can probably go on the bookshelf. The couch can either be split or float in the middle of the room. Still, its smaller than my first solo apartment which I had through all of headway/covid. 

People have been really nice when I have bumped into them in the hallways or the parking garage. So that’s nice. Seems like a range of ages… briefly met a couple who keep the apartment for when they are here and then go to Florida half the year. 

On the home front, I just filled 4 smaller totes with books and there is probably 1-2 more. I have an office full of random that could be one well planned trip. 

I have some bedroom stuff/ blankets sheets pillows etc. all the closets are empty. There are a few things down stairs still. 

I have probably 2 totes worth of kitchen stuff and food still. In the living room I have probably 2-3 worth of stuff. 

I don’t need to do laundry but I might do one last load before I go. 

The truck comes Thursday and I am already pretty packed up. Wouldn’t take much… on my calendar it says pack Tuesday and Wednesday, but now I feel like if I do one load each day I will be fine. I know part of me is avoiding the business stuff. 

There is also a bunch of stuff that might be E’s in the garage, and I don’t know what to do about that. 

I figure I’ll come back in a week or two and clean. The bathroom, the floors, the counters. 

Other tasks:

I printed out an application for health insurance. 

I need to find a desk for the office and maybe a printer scanner. Plus hang and organize stuff over there. I’m still waiting to hear from healthpartners. I need to print off my contracts and follow up with each of the companies.wed/fri?

Tomorrow if I remember, I’m going to the post office to change my home address. Maybe later this week if I don’t make it. Dentist appointment… gotta call. 

I feel like I’m behind. But I might actually be ahead of the schedule I created for myself a few weeks ago. 

Once it all settles… decide what to take on with the business. Maybe spiritual direction?  Ceus for Jan. Consult group? Meet people in the building? Invite people over?

It’s a small space. Any more than 1-2 people it will feel cramped. 

I’m very sad leaving this one. It feels like the last time for some things, even though I know that isn’t true… like spyhouse, pho79, walking to work over here, Wendy’s, i don’t know why, but everything feels like a goodbye to E. I was thinking about that, even though she never accompanied me when I went to get us food… I went solo and brought it home, but I had her in mind when I visited all these places. 

I had the realization after my first post, that now that I’ve started the move, the grief is real again, and each time I come back to the apartment I’m reminded. Part of me wants to hurry it up and get there, not because it’s better in any way, but because then I can start my next life. 

I have always had a place to retreat to in my last relationships. In college it was a dorm or my mom’s house. With M my apartment.

With E, this was the first time it was a shared home. I’m sad for her because I know she went through all this when she left… she wasn’t sure it was for good. She thought we might find a place or something.   Each time she came back she got sad. That’s what I’m doing now.   

But I also get angry with her… every time I have to deconstruct something we put together, or put in a certain place or whatever… it’s like, where are you?   

Most of the stuff is now the bare minimum -so I guess it’s mostly mine now.. I guess it’s easier. I dunno what I’m doing I guess is what I mean. 

I mean I do. I just also lose steam to the grief. 

Shit to get rid of still: blue couch, at least one maybe two cabinet things, one chair, kitchen table and 4 chairs, the elliptical, probably more I am forgetting. 

Oh well. 

Endings and beginnings

 Tomorrow is my last day at my old job, just stopping by to do paperwork really.  Make some phone calls, say good bye to some folks.

This week it’s setting up the office for the business (which starts next week). And also moving. 

It’s Sunday at 2:30, about a half an hour ago I suddenly got very sad. It’s the move, the grief, the starting over and saying goodbye. The letting go. 

I was thinking about packing up the spice rack. A gift, almost entirely for me, but I think E had suggested it maybe? I dunno. There are a lot of things around here like that. Stuff I wouldn’t have bought on my own, that I attribute entirely to her presence, odd to move them to a new space.  It’s been about 10 months since she moved out. You’d think I’d have gotten used to it.

This weekend has been a lot of packing, and small trips across town to the new apartment. I’ve made 2 I guess, so not many… but I also got rid of a bunch of stuff at goodwill, and tried to unload art supplies at my dad only to see a horrified look on his face when I told them they weren’t exactly kid paints. So I took them back. 

I also got rid of all my old curriculum, or most of it anyway. 

I’m just sad I guess. Sad to move to this new place where I am trying to hype myself up to be friendly to the neighbors. Sad that I’m gonna have a new office and it’s so quiet. Sad that a lot of my dreams for how I would spend my 40s have been inaccurate so far. 

I cut my hair and shaved last night, and despite the balding spot at the back of my head, I decided I wasn’t looking terrible. 

I have to believe that these steps I’m taking forward are for the better. New business, new opportunities, new location, new apartment, letting go of the past, making room for all the new. 

But it’s still sad. Every little part of it is kind of sad. It hits randomly. Silence. A random object. A word from a video. I dunno. I guess I also have to make room for these feelings.

I’m gonna make at least one more trip to the apartment today. And try to do some work for the business, but I feel less motivated all of a sudden. I worked up to all of this, but it’s exhausting, and the people who have said they wanted to help, are all busy. I need to order a moving truck, but I’m worried on the day of… no one will be able to help. 

I know I didn’t prepare them well enough.

I know there is a lot of time this week, but I’m feeling behind with the business stuff. I need to not have this mentality going forward. Everything is fine. Everything is in divine timing, in its right place… and as I organize and clean, pack and then unpack, I’m moving things into their right place. 

My tarot video reading was so optimistic today… and then I did three cards for myself and a 4th sneak peak and it said today might be a hard day. Turns out to be thus far. Maybe there is more to say later, maybe I need to cry. 

How many times

 I worked a lot this weekend. Got a lot done. Finished some things today at work. Things are getting set up, things are getting packed up, things are getting tossed, things are getting moved. 

It’s exciting, and sad. New connections to make and some that will be gone. 

I was thinking about how I won’t have coworkers anymore, not really. Maybe a consult group, or partners for projects, but not coworkers. Neighbors yeah. But not sure who I will eat lunch with, or sit and do paperwork with. 

I’ve been crunching numbers, I think 21 per week is like the safe minimum to still make enough to live on. 24 a week would be ideal. More is possible. Lately I think I average between 18-22, so that’s kind of the right fit, except I need to make sure I’m not slacking… I don’t have to work 9 hour days… I can work 7ish, or four days of 8-10? Or 4 days and a half day?

I went to see the fantastic four by myself tonight. A few days ago it was Superman. Both at river view. 

As I was walking out, it was like that magic hour, the green of all the summer life glowed, but it wasn’t bright, and it wasn’t brutal hot. It was just right. And I imagined myself living in that neighborhood, and being happy. 

I was on a strange mood. While peeing after the movie, I wondered how many times I’d peed at that urinal, and then how many times in my life? All the places I’ve so quickly forgotten… I couldn’t describe half the bathrooms I’ve lived with. I couldn’t tell you all the places I’ve slept, or the places I’ve visited… memory is soooo gone.

It’s like, I recall little things. Little moments of feeling mindful, or excited or present, and then gone. 

Why do I recall walking the streets of Santiago chile looking for food at night, but can’t recall the room we stayed in?

Why do I remember thehighway when I used to drive out to mound for work, but not the  names of the people  I met with. 

Why do I remember the things I do, but not the faces of people I’ve claimed to love?

Why is it so easy to spend countless nights, not remembering, glued to a tv, computer or phone screen, tick the night away, and remember nothing. 

It’s funny to have done and seen so many things that it sometimes feels like different life times, and then also realize you’ve not done anything new or novel, not changed your path, or smelled or tasted or felt anything new in sooo long. 

Illy and I were at the bulldog remembering old times, and feeling old, as loud Saturday night people came and went. I don’t go out… so why do I want to live in the city? Why do I want to be around things, but not of them…

I know I’m ready for a change. I’m not sure what the next lifetime will bring, but this one is spent… 

Will there be love? Will there be something worth fighting for? Will there be creativity and novelty? Or will I fall into a new rhythm of the same old?

Grandview or riverview or rosedale? Back and forth? Highland or midway or the quarry? Where will I spend my time? 

Where will I shop? Who will I be in this next life?

I remember wandering Cuenca, wondering why Ottmar Liebert had a little monument, how he’d jumped off my cd player and into real life in this other worldly place where I considered moving too. But I asked Cuenca why it hadn’t brought me any love and told her I had to keep moving on… and that’s me now too.   

Unsure what the future holds,

Not sure how many times I will rebuild my life, make it anew… but I’ve got a few weeks left here, and then onto the next one. 

11 days left

 The count down to me quitting my job and starting my own business… the 11 days is how many days I have left at the job. Each day over the last few weeks I’ve been having conversations with clients and coworkers about the change. Trying to prep clients, trying to leave on positive terms with everyone. Over the weekends I’ve been doing paperwork to prepare. The weekdays paperwork and business stuff to prepare. It basically feels like I’m gonna have 2 months of nonstop… then what? 

Today I was thinking I need to strike the right balance between workaholic and the bare minimum… after all, I will be entirely responsible for my own welfare… health insurance, retirement, day to day living expenses, business expenses… it’s all gonna be on me. 

This past week had been kind of funny. Some distancing from E again. Lots of prep for the changes… sorted my cd collection and got rid of half.. cleaned out a closet or two. 

Kept telling myself I was gonna go to a movie - but also that I needed to get stuff done before hand. 

On Friday I saw Christ and Jared, two of my old roommates and friends from college who I haven’t kept in touch with and basically haven’t seen for 10 years. It was nice to catch up and also brought up a lot of thoughts.

We went to a kind of swanky rooftop restaurant, not the kind of place any of us would have chosen in the past. It was full of young people who were dressed up and on the town for an evening… a different culture in a way. We caught up and discussed our very separate lives and it was lovely, and awkward. But I really appreciated it. 

I also had some recognitions… most of that group of college friends has stayed in touch, they go to weddings and reunions and birthdays and I haven’t been invited to most, but those I have been invited to- I chose not to attend… and I’m not sure why. But if I go back to the theme of therapy last week, I seem to believe that the only people who want me around are the ones that need me… or something.  And that group never needed me. I needed them. They were fun, and funny, and interesting, and playful and talented. And I hung around them because it filled me with creativity and beauty.  But even when I lived with them, I didn’t go out of my way to indulge. I kept my distance because I was a burnt out teacher who was putting every bit of energy into other things… and then I left for Latin America. And when I got home I wanted to reach out, but felt too different, felt like they wouldn’t want me around or didn’t need me… and so it was better to focus on building a new life. I did. I wrote for a year, went to grad school, had new friends and new relationships and fell out of touch. I don’t regret it, but at the same time I also know I have missed them the whole time and I didn’t do anything about that. 

I’ve been thinking about it this weekend, how I had excuses like being busy, and not having a place I felt comfortable inviting them to. (I lived in shared shithole places with roommates I didn’t always feel comfortable with). Then I lived alone, but it was covid for a few years. Then I was in a relationship and started a new job, and was taking on new responsibilities… and so many reasons to fall out of touch… but also I missed them. Still looked up to them. Still wanted them in my life, but didn’t make time or effort. 

I’d been anxious to see them because it feels like a different life time. Like how most of my favorite bands played this weekend at a festival and I didn’t go, because who wants to spend all day outside in a hot field? A younger me would have loved that, 

These different lives I’ve lived… each with a different vibe.. different friends, different path forward.  There is some mixing and I’m glad when it happens, but I guess I’ve become verycompartmentalized these days. I suppose it’s natural given the jobs I’ve had. But how to live a more free and integrated life? Is it possible? 

Been thinking a lot about that as I go forward with this new business and new place. Can I add people and fun back into my life? Can I make room for parts that are important? Old parts? New parts? Can I balance? 

Most people haven’t been to my current apartment, and it’s bigger than where I’m moving. But the place I’m moving has other amenities. Will I utilize them?

I don’t really know what I’m looking forward to. 

I signed up for a 4 day training in September. I might look into the spiritual direction thing, just for kicks. 

Yesterday I slept in, got all the major chores done for the weekend but still felt behind. I had been planning to do a lot of paperwork this weekend, and I didn’t manage to work my way up to it till about 7 last night. Then I did some and I felt better. Less burdened. 

Today was similar. Church was amazing. 

There was this song I really liked that I’ve never heard but felt like a great response to my anxiety:

“Loosen loosen baby, 

you don’t have to carry, 

the weight of the world 

in your muscles and bones, 

let go, let go, let go”

I really love the vibe of the UU church. It’s spiritual, it’s justice, it’s therapy, it’s community, it’s human, it’s natural.

After church went for a walk with dad and Steve. I took a break and then did some paperwork. Took another break then did more. 

It’s ok. There is just sooooo much to do. And I’m not sure I’m prepared for tomorrow.. but I also know I have some time off coming up. This week I put in my notice. I booked a massage for Saturday. I’ll probably see Superman tomorrow. 

Maybe get rid of some furniture this week. 

I dunno, in a few years I’ll forget this time period but it’s a lot of mental overwhelm, and juggling. 

Generally though, I feel like I’m preparing for the next phase of life, and I’m too busy moving towards it to feel bad about anything. 

Mixed feelings again

 Last week, and again today I saw E. We made dinner and did a painting class online tonight and it was fun. But at a certain point I asked her to leave. I didn’t want a repeat of last week, in which I got really confused and then dwelled on it for two days. The same thing will probably happen this week. Because she called me on the way home and I told her how I felt. 

It’s confusing to feel so at home with someone, enjoy their company, and then send them on their way. I love this person. I feel comforted. It genuinely felt like home again last week. But then I got sad and hurt and angry again.

She reminds me of dreams I had and pain I experienced and now I am unsure what the path forward looks like. On the one hand, it would be easy to try again. And on the other, why try when it wasn’t working the first time?

In a month I am opening a business, and moving into a new apartment. It’s a fresh start. And part of me wants that. 

Another part of me feels glad she still loves me and wants a future with me in it, she hints at what that might mean, but doesn’t ask me for any commitment. 

I get so sad and confused. Part of it is that I hate to let her down. Part of it is that when she says these things or hints in certain ways, I’m like … yeah! That’s what I wanted for so long,  my heart broke for that. Part of me will be angry with her tomorrow that she is a year late… why bring it up now when I’m finally getting unstuck?

I told her tonight that I really need to focus and put my energy into these changes I am making. But it still feels so  hollow. Like, it would be one thing if I was super excited about these changes and really pumped to take these steps forward, but it isn’t that. I am taking them because I am sick of being stuck, because I want a direction and the one we had together became impossible… I’m taking them because they are logical and I’m ready for a change… but if I’d had my way, she would have fought harder, and I would have had a partner to work through these changes with. 

But what if she is ready now? What if, as she said on the phone, she’s just 9 months late…

But what has changed really?  I dunno… 

It just makes me sad and confused and feel drained. I told her I have to put my energy into moving forward and maybe when I do, I’ll be more clear about what I really want again. 

I mean, there are more and more days when I feel confident and grateful and optimistic… so maybe in a month or two I’ll feel more solid in that. 

But it’s still hard for now. Hard to feel pulled in two directions. Hard to watch part of your heart, and what you thought might be your future -walk out the door. 

Dreams

 This was text from speech, so it might be a little off

Dreams, the first one. 

I was sitting alone at a picnic table, eating a salad. I looked over to my right and I saw the lnas teachers. But I didn’t join them. They seemed to be having a good conversation. I also noticed that it was sort of potluck style. And I wasn’t sure what I could bring. I started to work on that settling on something that was like cupcakes. While I was doing that I started eating the rest of my lunch. A woman and her friends sat down at the table with me. She sat down across from me and had a veggie dish of some sort with lots of color. She asked me if I liked cabbage. I said “not really” she kinda smirked. I asked her how she cooked it. As I looked at her face, I felt drawn to her, not that she was overwhelmingly attractive. But she had some sort of charm. When she answered my question, I didn’t seem to get all the information I wanted, she was looking away, I wasn’t sure if I was feeling dismissed or just misunderstood. I started to casually comment or chat with the person who sat to my left. But I was trying to formalize another question to get the information I was looking for. I had this idea that she might cook the cabbage like cabbage rolls in Lebanese cuisine. I think I tried to ask her again and again she didn’t fully respond. I wasn’t happy with her response. I made a snarky comment “she probably cooks it with just salt.“ I stopped thinking about it and went back to the rest of my food and finished then got up from the table and as I got up from the table, I noticed she had three arms one of the lower arms was in sync with the arm that I had seen above. So I tried to glance to see if she had a fourth she did. The two below worked in concert with the two above, the two below being obviously weaker somewhat discolored. It was unclear if they could do things on their own or only followed along with the above. Despite having four arms, I kind of looked at her again with admiration, the same way that a Hindu person might, is this an incarnation of God? Well of course, but what does it mean? I got up from the table and tried to throw away my garbage suddenly realizing I was on some sort of college campus. And they had too many options for throwing away garbage. I was trying to read the options and find the right one, but it was very busy in the cafeteria area and I felt like I was in the way.

The second dream. In the second dream, I was hosting a party at a giant modern apartment. It was a fancy place. It was much much much bigger than what I’m moving into. So many rooms -not even knowing their purpose. I knew there were people coming over and then they were there, but I think prior to them all being in the space there was an in between dream where my extended family was there and I wasn’t sure what rooms they were in. And later the question of where are the children sleeping and what time do they need to go to bed? Was one of the 50 million stressors during the party. I guess I wasn’t really that familiar with the space I just knew I had a lot of it and that it needed to be filled. I know there were a few different areas, including a sort of outdoor deck space- Where at one point I ran into illy, who was manically spray-painting blankets, and towels and rugs. She said the Place needed more color or warmth or something. I was worried she was ruining things that I cared about or would cost me a bunch in bills when I moved out.  It must’ve been a housewarming party. Like getting to know, neighbors, etc. because I didn’t really know that many people and they were party people, even though they were more dressed up and wealthy- looking,  real bro energy. At one point, I found myself in an area of the larger apartment building where there was like 100 women getting their nails done and a table set out for local teachers to have a banquet or something.. I think in that part, I was relieved that I got away from the party and wasn’t hosting for a moment, but then of course somebody came and got me. And they got me to fix something probably a toilet, but I wasn’t familiar with the design so their guess was as good as mine. And we had to call the handyman so we did and he was an older dude not judgmental, but clearly not this era. He did a few things had to move to a few different rooms to fix it and eventually did and kind of showed me what to do if it got broken again.  Then, on his way out, he remarked on the device that was for clearing the energy of the space I think? The device needed to be in the sunlight for about 12 hours max and then needed to be moved to the shade and at first felt like a big hassle to me. But he told me his daughter felt the same at first and now swore by it. I asked if she lived in the building, getting the impression that all residents get one at some sort of ceremony.  He said “no, she lives about an hour and a half away, but my son lives in the building.” So, I asked how long his son lived there. but he got it mixed up and started talking about his daughter again. And I didn’t know if I was talking to someone who had dementia, or if there was some sort of code or mystery to uncover in his speech. Whenever I asked about his son he talked about his daughter and when I asked about his daughter, he said she wasn’t around, but his son was. Anyway, when he left, I spent a little time fidgeting with the device and got it set up then I went basically to another room or something, but it was to avoid the party that I was hosting like even though I was in charge I didn’t want to be there, and I also didn’t want to have to tell everyone to leave.

When I woke up, I realized both of these dreams had this theme of being around people, wanting to be part of something but feeling very left out, or in charge but not part of stuff. 

Hosting, taking responsibility, but not fitting in or getting to connect in the way that I want to.

—— 

I imagine that some of this has to do with telling clients this week that I am starting my own business. I have to host a crowd in an unknown space. Make sure they feel welcome, but I don’t necessarily feel excited by the idea of my own business, to me it feels like a lot of work (as of right now).  

I am also moving soon, officially August I will pay double rent, and the new building will be expensive though I don’t think it is very posh. 

I also know that I had my current landlord over to fix the toilet yesterday, so I am sure that is part of that section. 

I have been asking spirit guides and ancestors and everyone in the universe with support for the next steps, guidance, a clear path. I feel like things are going well so far in the initial phases of the transition, but I am also feeling behind and unprepared. 

I am trying to trust that though things may be hard, it is easily solvable. As one of the tarot readers pointed out “you think if something goes wrong, you’re falling off a roof or a cliff, but really you’re just jumping off a table. You could even land on one foot and be ok.” And that really is how it feels. I’m sure there will be some headaches, some letting people down, but I’m ready for something new. 

Once everything is up and running I can relax… but then I’ll need a new thing to take up my time and energy. 

Writing? Painting?

Some sort of training?

Video games and Instagram?

A workshop program for the new business?

Community building in the office space and at the apartment building?

Protests?

Family time?

Dating?

I’m just not sure yet. I really do want everything to be in place before I set out… 

Tonight E is coming over to do some painting. We are gonna have salmon and rice. 

 

The week ahead looks pretty chill, and then on Friday I am meeting up with some Morris people and I feel anxious about it. A past life. I’m sure it will be nice.  I was thinking about how I am on this email chain of SLP guys who are getting together for brunch once a month, and I never respond or go… past life stuff. 

I used to always want to carry my old life with me. Now I seem to be afraid of it? 

Something to recognize I guess. Onwards and upwards?

Been singing “I will be light” all week. Generally feeling very positive and grateful. 

 

Strange dream, goodness?

 

I had this dream last night, or rather this morning when I should have been waking up to get to work. In the dream me and a girlfriend were touring somewhere. I know there were multiple rooms or complexes, maybe it was a castle or a church and other buildings. There were crowds, there were tour guides, it was hectic. 

At some point we became separated, and although that didn’t bother me in itself, I was worried that she would feel lost. So I looked for her, room to room, place to place, scanning the crowd, trying to get better angles, weaving through. After an hour or so I would say I wasn’t worried, but more motivated... Eventually I checked my phone, and the messages had been coming through inconsistently, but the 2-3 that were there were clearly angry. -

Eventually I found her, and she was furious, had felt abandoned, accused me of running off and enjoying myself etc.. there were tons of texts that hadn’t gone through, she assumed I was intentionally ignoring her -while she was scared or out of place. I tried to calm her down, explain my side, but she wasn’t able to hear it. She was stuck in her own story, and from that place, she was the victim and I was the villain, and she was angry and said abusive things about my character. I stopped her, and said I don’t need to be abused like that and began to walk away. She stopped me, but was still in her story. I felt like I could not accept her story, my experience of myself and my actions was too different, I understood where she was coming from, but it wasn’t my fault and I wasn’t going to take responsibility for her feelings… but I knew that that meant we were not ok.

In another part of the dream I was moving in with a roommate and there was another group (mostly women) living downstairs. The dynamics felt odd, like I was tiptoeing around and wasn’t sure where my space was. 

In a third part of the dream, (I don’t recall the beginning part of this) a friend/roommate became very upset with me. They suggested I was  a bad person and that I wasn’t someone they could deal with anymore. I asked why they believed this, and they pulled out a book of events, like a profile of me, and their experience of my actions. I remember in another part of this dream I had made some admittedly judgmental statements about groups of people, old stereotypes or something… and the person has recorded that, and hundreds of other interactions, basically color coding them into good and bad. They had come to the conclusion that I was bad. I asked them if they were looking for evidence to the contrary, moments of growth or positive. They shared that 6 months ago in a game of hearts or spades I’d shown improvement in my technique and they were impressed, but it felt entirely imbalanced and very subjective. It was like, no matter what I said or did, I’d never be able to convinced this person who I cared about to believe in me. At first I was angry and argumentative, I asked why they hadn’t shared anything, given me the opportunity to redeem myself, or repair. They chalked it up to being objective and allowing me to make my own mistakes to show my character… eventually I just became sad. I remember the recognition that someone I had cared for for years, was basically closing off to me, rejecting me… and I turned to Jessica s, who also knew this person well and said as much… that’s when the dream ended. 

When I woke up, I was a bit panicked because I was going to be late for work. But I also raced to put the dream into context. This book of actions (from another perspective) is basically how I believed G-d judged us when I was young. Not all seeing/ all knowing/ all understanding of intention and heart, but a series of judgments based on actions that we may not even have thought of… and some of which we did know and felt ashamed or embarrassed about or that we tried to make amends for… but without ever knowing if the scales were balanced. 

My mind and my heart are so far away from that now… 99% of the time even if I have those kinds of thoughts, it’s easy to see the gray, believe in grace and the complexity of the human heart and condition. I wouldn’t judge someone for their actions like that, and it’s hard to imagine a god of any kind caring… about such small things. But when I am hurt or disappointed or worried, I know that it comes out as judgment to others… and I am working on that. 

That being said, a tallied list of positive and negatives… too simple.

But in the dream, I also stood up for myself. Wouldn’t allow others to speak to me in anger in ways I would never speak to them. I argued my point, and accepted and grieved the losses when I realized I’d not be able to help someone see me more clearly.

I think this has to do with my step sisters wedding and the guilt and shame I feel for mistreating her when I was younger. I know that I was still in the mindset of good and evil at the time, and that I felt like mistreating her made me evil. She is getting married, and moving forward with her life in all sorts of amazing ways… and I’m still stuck sometimes back in the past.  Though it felt familiar to have gfs be mad at me for abandoning them, and blaming me for their emotions, I think the dream people are likely more just old parts of myself.  Maybe caretaker parts, judging  parts, etc… they want to be heard and I have to let them go to move forward. 

On the other hand, I worried it might be a premonition dream of someone being upset with me and me not being able to help it. Either way…

I think I’m moving forward in life, even though it doesn’t always feel that way. I know that I still have old habits to break, and things I wish were different. Parts of me that wish I’d made better choices in the past, and in the present.  But more… I think I’m coming to accept and love myself, and able to stand up for myself or recognize - not rationalize, but just nod yes, and this too, as I discover myself and my way in the world.

Last day off… till next week ha

 Today I went to an applied kinesiologist and chiro, we talked about fungal overgrowth, pseudo hiatal hernia, gerd, and an inward rotated shoulder. Despite the woo woo of it, I felt seen, heard, understood and supported. I walked out feeling very little anxiety and like the world was mine. Less pain, more mobility in my shoulder, but better than that, I felt hopeful about my body which I was honestly struggling with last week. So that was good. 

I went to Costco and broke my boycott of target, but most was just checking prices for things for the business. 

I decided I can’t really make a decision on the apartment until July and I am thinking I’m gonna end up in the more expensive and less space one, but I keep thinking about how I liked the neighborhood around the other one more. Felt vibrant, more alive, closer to the grocery store, coffee shop attached to the building. So I’m gonna wait and maybe it will cost me both places but it seems like the right move since I’m not willing to pay two extra months… 

I started thinking of things I can get rid of, and things to pack. Started packing a little. 

I took a long nap,  not sure if it’s just the heat but I have been siesta-ing. 

I’m worried the next 6 weeks is gonna be a rollercoaster. I mean, moving everything in and starting the business, packing up and moving to a new place in August, finishing all the paperwork and prepping clients to transition. It feels like a lot. 

There is also grief at every step and it keeps hitting me how I am moving forward but that this isn’t necessarily what I wanted. I guess I’m moving forward for the possibility of finding what I want. But it’s hard. I moved a chair from one room to another preparing to take it out to the garbage… and decided I wasn’t ready. So many plans, so many little things, plus I have weeks. 

And technically with the moving I have more time than with the current work/business stuff. But in some ways it feels the most tangible - and less decisions. Just what stays what goes. And is there a home for that? And if not, out. 

But I’m aware of both my alone-ness and loneliness all the time. 

This week is 4 days of work. Not totally packed but fairly busy (18-19 clients). Plus Ali’s rehearsal dinner, and wedding on Saturday. I’m nervous to be around all the people… not sure what I am wearing yet. I should probably ask. 

But also it feels like it’s gonna be hot all week, so maybe a button up is already overdoing it. 

Next week is another week off (only working 1.5 days).  Have my spinal appointment, plus an appointment with a tax guy. I think that will help a bit with the business. 

Ok. Time for reading and bed. 

Friday in June

This will be 3 or 4 topics I think. 

So lets start with preparation and change:

Today is my second day off in a row. I've been taking more time off because I have to use up my PTO before I quit, apparently they don't pay out... which feels illegal, but oh well. Yesterday I woke up early and ran to my office for a delivery of furniture. I don't quite know the wifi password, and didn't have much to do there after the stuff was delivered, so I ran to menards and grabbed a few things. I also set up some visits for apartments in the area. Then I took a long nap in the afternoon, and then walked the lake with my Dad. Today I visited office depot looking at desks... and considered what other things I need (didn't buy anything). I also visited three different apartment buildings, and I think narrowed it down to two of the 4 I have been to. I compared things like the overall vibe, the size and costs, and the surrounding area. All of the apartments are significantly smaller than the one I am living in. Some might even be smaller than my previous apartment, but with much better perks. Do I want that? need that? I dunno. 

The whole process of considering moving has been weird. I want to live closer to my new office for 3 basic reasons. 1) I want a change of environment. 2) I want to be able to walk to work. 3) I don't want to be stuck in traffic everyday... My office is in the heart of the city, and regardless of what direction you come from, that could mean traffic. I have sort of lucked out the last few days and its only hit on the way home (an extras 10 minutes), but I was avoiding actual rush hour traffic. The office is back in a semi industrial looking area, some of the spaces have been turned into businesses, and cool murals and stuff... but there is still heavy trucks driving in and out, and big lots, and warehouses... and if I am honest... I am wishing I hadn't signed a lease there.... but its only for a while, and then I can move to another place. 

I am trying to have the same attitude about the apartments. I don't want to live in a dump, and I don't really know the area well enough to know which neighborhoods are better than others...  They have all these old buildings that have been retrofitted into new apartments (similar to how my office was remade from an industrial building)... and then they also have a lot of bigbox "luxury" apartments.  And of course tons of the old smaller, crummier looking ones that I lived in when I was growing up -and which I don't really want anymore. 

No matter what, it feels like a stepdown from where I am. Certainly not a step up to a new house... but when I was looking at houses last fall I was worried there would be too much space and that I didn't have enough stuff -now, its not enough space and I have to get ride of half my stuff. I was eyeballing my current apartment and realized all the spaces I've been looking at, are basically half the size for more money. So then it starts to matter what the amenities and the area are like... the first place I looked at was alright... but there isn't a lot of green space over there, and there isn't a pool. The second, tucked back into a neighborhood, more green, but a little too grandma-y... Meaning I think my grandma would have admired the decor of the shared spaces. The third was maybe the one I like the most?  or maybe its too noisy  and too young? but it has a coffee shop, and is closer to the green areas of the neighborhood, and has a working pool, and is closer to the grocery store (like I walked to it easily).  The 4th had people who looked like me, was even closer to my new office (and across the street from a place I'd like to be my office). It overlooks a park, or the pool area... its more expensive but had cool features like a pool table and darts, and a creative space where you can paint.  It felt like a mix of the classy and great perks, but the actual apartments were smaller and felt a little BRO-y.  (MAYBE because we visited one apartment that was still being lived in, and the guy hadn't cleaned or anything so it felt gross). 

Its funny to go through these places... its like the intro to a new hostel, here are the amenities, check out is at 10... we keep your id at the front desk.  I worry about the costs... but really I will be fine as long as I can see around 20 clients a week. (which I haven't been consistently, but maybe I will again when its my space).

The third and the 4th apartments are basically the ones I am choosing between, but either way it means I have to cut down on my stuff. And suddenly I am realizing how much I have accumulated and how it holds some weird sentimental value (or is tied to E) and I feel weird getting rid of it... but also, I don't need it.  I guess thats the thing that is weirding me out, I realized this afternoon that I had this weird attachment to stuff I don't even care about. Like the tv I haven't turned on in months... why do I have that?  the couch that I rarely sit on (maybe because I don't watch the tv)... I can get rid of half the couch, I don't need to keep it all.  THe books and extra book cases? The random furniture I inherited from her, when she found it on facebook marketplace? But then there is also my collections... Why am I holding onto books I'll never read again? CDs I rarely listen to? Musical instruments I never touch? Why am I holding on and having a hard time letting go of stuff that means nothing to me in my current phase of life. Some of it was free, some of it was gifts, some of it was refitted by E, and because it became our home... I am realizing I grew attached to the shape of it in my space. But I need to make a new home, for a new me.  I am 41 and by the time next lease is up, I'll be 42 or more... what do I want my 40s to contain?

SO thats the thing with this new apartment. I am not moving there because its the next triumph, but just the logical progression... I am moving because I am ready for a change, and it won't be perfect. I may not even like it, but its a step forward and I can decide what I do and don't like as I go, rather than feeling stuck in the past.  I can use the apartment gym rather than paying for a gym membership. I can get to know a new grocery store and a new area of town. I can try different restaurants and figure out who I am in this next chapter of my life... and that will be good. 

So basically in August of 2025 I am expecting to have a new job (my own business) and a new apartment... and to some extent a new* same life.

So what are my goals by next year?

• I want to feel successful in my business, a caseload of between 20-25 weekly. 
• I want to feel like I can start taking on the next challenge in work, whether thats groups, or classes, or workshops or whatever. 
• Maybe do a spiritual direction course?
• I want to either have a community in my office space, or be moving to one that feels good.
• I want to be financially ok... maybe even be saving money.  Like an extra 10k would be great.
• I would like to be more confident and have a system for admin issues... so that I am handling the business, and when I outsource, I know what to expect and why. 

•  I want to feel healthier (not pre-diabetic), more capable and trusting of my body. I think this may require a new gym routine, maintaining a new diet, and potentially getting a personal trainer or something. Right now I would say my trust and confidence in my health is probably a 2 or 3/10. Despite walking around a bunch today, I felt very weak in my arm and it just kills my whole trust in my ability to be ok.
• It will also mean following up with whatever happens medically re: my arm, diet, etc. this summer.
• I think a good indicator would be how comfy I am taking off my shirt to go swimming in one of these apartment pools. 

• I want to have a sense of community, not just friends that I see all individually. I think I need to start having dinner parties again, game nights, art nights.
• I will be involved in at least 1 thing per week outside of work/church.
• I want to keep going to church. 

• I would like to spend more time being creative, and less time passively taking in media. 
• Ideally I would like to be in a relationship, but I don't want that to be a reason to practice self care, I want to take care of myself, and then add someone in when it feels like a good fit. 
• I would like to feel more spiritual/trusting of the universe.

I think I need to break some of these goals down so that they become a specific effort I am working toward.

Potential other things... travel? EU5? Protesting the fascists? Volunteering?  My old goals... be able to have a conversation in spanish (working on it), a cd or book of poems, or a book, 6/7 continents. a painting in a public space or gallery

So many things that don't really matter, but matter or mattered to me. But I am caught by the realization that achieving them won't mean much to me. Like a painting in a gallery would feel good for a moment, but likely I'd be self-conscious and downplay it. and then when it was over, it would be something that I did one time, but like who cares?  I think the cd/book thing is a little bit longer... but then it sits on shelves, and then what? Achievements are kind of an odd thing.  I would like to do these things because I feel driven and enjoy doing them, and when I am doing them sometimes it helps to have a goal... but accomplishing the thing in itself isn't the end goal, its to move someone or create a legacy... and I guess I am less concerned with that than I used to be. 

It was funny the last time I traveled because I didn't have a class to consider reporting these things I was learning to... and I didn't have E by my side to share with. And I knew my work wouldn't be impacted by time in Eastern Europe... so I felt like it was fairly meaningless despite enjoying learning and seeing new things. Another country added to the list, but no story to tell, no connection formed, no weight of it...

I think the realizations of how much has changed... makes me want to do more thinking about my future... but I also have a lot of little logistical things to figure out just to make the first few steps of moving and starting the business a reality. I have to get rid of shit from my apartment!

But what I mean is that in some ways I feel like I lost what I was trying to move toward. With E, I had a vision even if it was full of crazy variables... and crazy making ones too. We were gonna have a house, and have kids, and I was gonna have a small business to support us, and maybe she would end up homeschooling them... and it was weird because I always thought I'd be the one who homeschooled the kids, but it was something... and now, I am not sure what I am going toward, or rather I need to figure out what I am about  -in this world. Prior to her, I had a small place and I was part of a team, and I was learning to be a therapist after training in social work, after learning social work because teaching required more skills.  Now I feel like I am a therapist, and I can relearn to do social work when I need to, and I can teach if I want... and why did I get into this? 

Then it goes back further...  I had three options, a teacher, a socialworker/therapist, a preacher... what was the goal? to help, to make the world a better place.... and why?  because I didn't feel good about myself, and I didn't want others to feel that way... and the world was awful and I wanted it to be better - and what has changed  -well, a lot.  I don't feel the same NEED to help anymore, I enjoy it, and I am 'good' at it, so I offer my skills and my strengths. But I don't NEED to. I know it doesn't change the world, and I no longer believe I will change the world in some huge way... I will just play my part, and after all it pays the bills. I care about people. I want to help, but I don't NEED to.   I have to trust that they will figure it out, and that I am just along for the journey and it feels good and meaningful... but it doesn't drive me the way it used to.  I used to feel like I had to learn everything in order to be good... now I know stuff, and I know I'll fuck up too and its ok.  And as for me, I feel good. I like myself. I don't really feel like I need to CHANGE who I am... I like who I am, and I want to be the best me, but I am not beholden to some old idea that I HAVE to be some type of way in order to redeem myself. And as for the mission of saving the world... well, best laid plans and it will still go awry, and I have learned to acknowledge that -even if I can't always accept it fully. I am learning to smile at the chaos a little, even while it breaks my heart. I don't have some profound message for the universe, a billion have tried and it hasn't shifted anything except maybe that it's made all of us a little more self-centered thinking we were the special one... I'm not Jesus. I am not that special. The world will continue with or without me, and that is the most beautiful.  I feel more wise in my stupidity now... I feel like I look back at those times of certainty and shake my head at my youthful ignorance. It was cute, a child pushing back at the universe.

I love writing my book, but that also doesn't pay the bills, and I can't maintain the level of drive I need to in order to finish it... so it will come along when it does. I'm not stricken by the voices of the angels or the demons like Mohammed. 

Other creative projects, sure, when I have the time. Organizing and building... yeah, if it suits me... but what I am driven by? What is my overarching goal now?  I dunno. I don't want to be free of it all - like the Buddha... I may avoid suffering but I also embrace it.  But I also don't feel the vitality I used too... I miss the passion, even if it was childish. Maybe I need more laughter yoga in my life, more improv... creative silliness for its own sake, flirting for the sake of flirting... baby Krishna  you know?

Anyway, I don't know what it is anymore... I think I am pursuing the thing in front of me, but without some overarching goal... or at least not beholden to it, the way I was...

and I think the last thing about all this future talk... is that I am still grieving this idea that I won't have kids. Or maybe won't. I never really expected that as an outcome... I guess I fantasized about being the wise monk or prophet, hermit in the hills, but not really. I assumed that would happen after I had a half dozen wandering the world.   SO I think despite my goal of wanting to take care of my self first... I think it is part of the reason I feel so lost in terms of the overall direction. If its not to have kid and a family? then what is it for?   I work with older folks, some with kids and some with out. Having children is of course no guarantee of assurance in old age... plenty of children apparently abandon their parents... but to be old and alone is not something I aspire to... I mean, it happens... and I am alone now and happy some of the time... but I don't know that I want to stay this way. 

There is still profound grief weaving its way through me.  

And who knows, maybe I'll meet someone tomorrow and have a baby or a step child in a year.  But I dunno...

My wrists are hurting... 

So I guess last thing. 

The other day, an insight gave me some relief.  

The insight was that maybe I do actually see people's true self/their potential/their soul or spirit  -and then I mistake this life journey for the whole thing... like, their soul has chosen this life and all its limitations and burdens, and maybe those of us who see potential are seeing the larger soul and getting it confused. Maybe it isn't wrong, its just not helpful in a life, it only adds torment for everyone involved because they cannot be their whole soul self on this plane... if they could, they wouldnt be here to have this journey. Seeing G-d in all, doesn't mean they can be G-d in a human life time... 

and thats good.. its ok. Its beautiful even...  but don't get lost.