Just need to say this

 

I’m so mad at myself for not being normal enough to have kids. I’m so sad that I probably won’t have them. I feel like my heart has become too hard, and I’ll never really love without holding back… 

And I’m kind of devastated that I wasn’t dumb enough to fuck up in a way that gave me kids. Maybe I’m infertile anyway or something… I just. I feel like half of life has been cut off early. 

I don’t know if that’s how other childless people feel, but I feel that way right now. And I’m so sad and mad at myself. 

I watched this video and this girl just starts the video with “hey baby… “ as she is talking to the viewer and I had this thought about what if I did a video every time I had a moment I wanted to shared with my child… (and I thought of the miscarriage)  and I just fell apart. I want to go to bed now, even though that’s not healthy. I know I should have compassion for myself or do some self care or turn it into creativity… but I’m just kind of like what’s the point? 

I have a really long day at work tomorrow.

The world is fucked up, and I fucked up. And I don’t even have anyone to share the fuck ups with. 

So that’s tonight. 

I’m not suicidal or anything, but if I ever am. This is my note. I tried really hard to do the right things, but I didn’t. I know it.  And I don’t have anything to show for it.