Feelings

 On Sunday I went to an event for a clinic I used to intern at. I was preparing myself to run into M, and built myself up to feel confident, self assured, then got all sorts of wound up in the drama in my head, then laughed it off. 

She didn’t show up. I wasn’t sure what to expect, I hadn’t seen most of the folks for a few years. Turns out they were trying to have like a brainstorm/ restart on the clinic. I was able to share what had been meaningful to me in the past, and a few ideas about the present and maybe even the future. I found it to be a really cool event, and it made me miss being involved in organizations, missed having a shared mission and a team to work with. 

One of the board members asked me to email the director with some ideas. I sat in my car and wrote out an email, and began to imagine myself giving presentations at the universities trying to create enthusiasm about their mission. It felt great to brainstorm and be creative about something other than my own stuff. I road the wave of it into the next day, when I was confronted with my own therapy practice again. It was a good day with clients, today too… but I miss the sense of belonging, and I miss having a team. 

It also made me realize there seems to be a difference between me creating my own projects - like workshops, and the idea of helping others, or representing someone else’s mission. I could run classes or groups now, but I dont feel enlivened by the idea of doing it alone. 

So I’ve been thinking and wondering about that… it also made me realize how much I miss my old jobs because of that, and exes who I’d come home and brainstorm with. It felt like I had a teammate. Now… not so much. 

Today I struggled to get my head fully present. I felt like crying all day. Clients were good, connected with a prospective client as well as a coordination of care call that went well… but I was partially absent… something in me felt sad and angry and raw… a lot of my clients feel that way now, and I’m sure I picked up a bunch of that these last few days but also something stupid happened 2 blocks from my office (an ice raid) and I let other people in my building know… but it felt violating. Even though I wasn’t involved - found out later one of my old coworkers was… but it felt violating to think about how a client might be trying to get to their therapy office and get caught up in that. Or, people living or working in the fucking neighborhood! This is my neighborhood now, and some fuckers just ran in with weapons and pepper sprayed protesters and it’s just evil. 

It’s awful. I had this weird moment where this construction worker (white guy) who I was informing looked me in the eyes with the same “it’s fucking bullshit” attitude and I didn’t know him, and I was just moved by the fact that he was so quick to anger and protection like he was thinking about people he knows and works with, and his first response was so quick to that feeling of recognizing it was sooooo hurtful and scary, and angering.  

I didn’t know what to say, I think I nodded. I was caught off guard. I just wanted what he wanted and I didn’t know what else to do.   I mean, basically I was super sure everything was gonna be ok in my building, but wasn’t sure if people were coming into the building today… and I didn’t want anyone to feel scared or hurt. 

Ad I was walking home I was being a little less kind to myself, and I kept having this Ram Dass quote pop into my head - it’s from a video I used to watch every day before work, “you do what you do because your human  heart hurts…”   And then my mind would skip later in the video, “there is another part of me that is looking at the universe as it is, and saying “yes and this too.”

But I don’t think I could really stay with either of them. I watched the news and played games. 

It feels like there is an ache… I am sad. I don’t think I’ll cry tonight… I probably need to be less empathetic this week.