It's about 2:15 on a wednesday. I have a client in 45 minutes. This week has been pretty empty -as in 7 clients in the first 3 days. I need a few more, but I have two intakes scheduled next week and don't need 10 all at once, so that's a start.
On Monday I had counseling, had taken some extra time to do brainspotting potentially. Didn't end up doing it. Talked about shifting identity, and how right now I am not responding/reacting in the way I used to, but I don't know how to respond/react differently yet, and its leaving me feeling a little less sure of myself, despite not tearing myself down (either).
I remarked on the different identities and lives I've lived. My counselor was kind of surprised, she's like you have had two full careers that both required additional education, and you were a leader in a church thing? and in all of these areas you used to have community, and a shared sense of purpose and now you're doing your own business and effectively alone... and I was like yeah... and I'm trying things, but its hard.
On Monday I went to a "sing along" thing at a local bar. Went alone (mistake), but didn't know what to expect so I didn't want to invite anyone, wanted to have my own experience and decide what to make of it, not feel like I had to attend to others'. Turns out they are trying to rebuild the experience, so its a guy sitting there with song books, and me and a few others turn out. And we sing together, and in between its like the shallow political talk of strangers who don't know what one another knows already. Also there was a drunk Mexican guy who kept losing english words, so you had to concentrate extra hard to understand him. And in some ways he made it more fun. In the moment I wasn't very anxious, glad I hadn't brought anyone, but glad to know what it was incase I wanted to bring more people the next time. In hindsight the shallow convo etc reminded me of being at hostels. People who are trying to get to know one another, but why? and to what extent is it even possible? But we are lonely, and desire to be part of something... so why not.
It was something.
Last night I thought I was gonna read, or write... but ended up on my phone. Ultimately not life changing, and somewhat disappointing, and at the same time.. just another day.
Before bed I asked for dreams.
I got one at least. I remember it because I woke up and wanted to go back.
In the dream, it was some kind of family event/reunion, maybe a wedding or the kind of funeral that is expected. But even though it seemed like my family, an ex, who didn't know my family well was present with her kids. I knew she was married with kiddos, but she gravitated towards me, and me to her. We hugged, he cuddled for a while, we talked, traded secrets, it wasn't sexual, but it was intimate, it was affectionate... and I wanted to be closer. I wanted that in my life, wanted her children to know me, but also wanted to provide the escape she needed from her responsibilities. It was an odd thing, it was loving, but somewhat of a secret, we made our own world in and amongst the larger gathering, the families with all their expectations and needs. We carved out space to just be for a moment, and it was an embrace with so much promise... and yet, it wasn't fully real. She wasn't unhappy in her marriage, just needed a short break, she wasn't unhappy in being a mom, just needed a space in which someone else could hold them for a moment, she wasn't promising to move to be near me, there was no life to be had together. It was just a moment to say, but I see you, remember you, cherish you, love this... and it was really enticing. I woke up, or something changed, and when I went back, she had already left. She didn't say goodbye, and that hurt, even though I knew better. I headed in that direction for a while, maybe even caught up, but there was nothing to say. No promises to make even though I craved them. It was a moment, and it felt lovely, and then goodbye.
I know who it was in the dream, but it also feels a little symbolic of multiple relationships I've had... even sometimes of the experience of therapy... it's a very intimate experience, very vulnerable... I see you, I adore you, I am comforted by you... goodbye.
For example... I've been wondering a lot about M lately.... ever since I realized she works down the street. Wondering what that relationship was... a break from her struggles... a place to rest... a goodbye that happened way too abruptly. I blamed her... but maybe it was exactly what it was... and I just suck at not holding tight.
Or with E, I adore her, I really enjoy being around her...but I don't know that we are as compatible as I hoped... so in some sense every time I see her now its "I love you, goodbye."
So I keep thinking what next? Trying new things, dabbling here and there. Going to Public events... but also spending a lot of time alone in my apartment. What does the next identity look like?
I don't know the direction of my life, and it leaves me a little u clear. I find it funny how many of my clients are in the same space. I talk to them as if I know things... reflect back what I am hearing... but its not because I am different.
I always go in the same directions and maybe I am worried if I do the same old, I will get the same old results. Maybe I am afraid of new things though too...
Anyway... not sure what to say. I feel unsettled, and a desire to distract and avoid... but I am also being productive, keeping up, functional... probably a little too independent.
A taste of what is on my list for today:
-1 more session.
-walk home.
-spanish
-physical therapy
-make dinner
-buy quickbooks and explore
-print a form and sign.
*tomorrow I have three more sessions... sort of similar list.
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