heart and head

 Listening to the tiny desk concert a client recommended before I see them again tomorrow. Big Thief, they're good so far.

Tonight I hung out with E, we walked westwood and went out to eat. It was nice.

At dinner I told her I don't want to date her, but that I wasn't shutting myself off from dating others. She assured me that was ok. I told her I felt guilt and had a hard time trusting her response because of my own shit... I cried half the way home and messy cried when I got here. 

I don't know why... I know that I still love this person, hold them in my heart, worry about them, pray about them, want the best for them... and I know my head has convinced the rest of me that love in this case is not enough -wont lead to the life I want to live... and yet... it sure hurts to say it. 

I was relieved for a little while with how she responded. She seems to get it. I am happy we can be honest with one another, and it actually makes me want to see her more. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I actually do enjoy being around her. So it sucks.

Head and heart knowledge not the same sometimes. 

I am trying to get past this whole caretaker thing, and E pulls me right back into it every time. I don't think its intentional. But it just sucks...  When you love someone, you take them as part of you. And I want to keep that part of me. And I want her to feel free to be herself, but I like that she wants to be around. I just don't know what to do...

I think its the right decision, but I think it would have been a lot easier to know that sooner if I hadn't let myself fall in love with her, dream and try to make a future together. heh... I guess its just natural consequences. 

The tarot people always say you have to make room before new things come into your life. I want to be open to those new things and not feel guilty or defensive or loyal to E... and I know right now I am still having a hard time putting those misplaced feelings aside. It might even be better if I started dating, and then she would have an easier time getting over me?   Is that how it works?

I dunno... I am not over her, I guess is my point. But I think I need to keep moving in that direction. AND honestly it was good to say out loud to her, and its been really shitty for like the last hour... and maybe I just need a night to cry it out. Not the first time, probably not that last.