9:32

Thats the time when I started.

Ive been trying to write poetry every day. One poem a day kind of thing. I am technically on day 4, but messed up yesterday so wrote the poem I was thinking about this morning. 

Now I owe myself another. I don't know if I will make it or not. I haven't had very strong feelings or insights today. This morning I was feeling very optimistic but then I went to physical therapy and rushed to my first and only appointment and didn't have any time to have a second or third cup of coffee. I was noticing that I was somewhat irritable and kind of feeling lazy and knew it was because I needed some caffeine so I made a deal with myself that I would leave work and be productive elsewhere. 

So I went home for lunch -assuming I'd do paperwork in the afternoon and then have a nice evening. Instead I ate lunch and took a nap till like 4:30. Woke up feeling guilty that I'd wasted the day. So I made another deal with myself, get some work done, check a few things off your list and then walk to raising canes and back, and then do the rest of your work... which I did. So I am feeling more accomplished now... but still somewhat behind. 

Physical therapy went well, and the exercises are definitely helping me regain mobility and strength. The lady concurred that I should not be using the gym yet, which takes some pressure off. 

I'm averaging about 15 appointments a week and I need to get that up to 20 minimum within about a month. I am hoping to eventually be between 20-26 per week, which at times will feel really full, but will allow me to save money and not worry, and having a retirement account and what not. 

I still have about 5 clients that told me they want to follow but either haven't called or responded to emails (I assume it went to their junk mail). They have my contact information. I need to remind myself that most people are trying to enjoy the end of their summer, and may not be on my schedule. I am planning on opening up my waitlist... or whatever. I mean, just not have one.

Last night I went to the first of the new consult group. D and A were the folks I knew, she invited three others. Two of them do completely different jobs (school social work, and VA social work), she also asked if we were open to nutritionists and stuff. I was thinking I should ask if anyone wants to join. Maybe Tam. 

It was nice, I laughed a lot. Probably made a fool of myself but who cares. I realized later I was kind of guiding A in her facilitation. She was anxious and proposing things, then jumping ahead. I was anxious too, but excited to have something. I like the space she is in... its kind of like mine only more open and comfortable, where as ours is closed off and not comfy. But it is a clinic... so I guess that makes sense. 

I should ask D how many clients he is seeing. They are both doing the independent contractor thing. I wonder what their split is. 

I took the leap of sending out claims. Hopefully it will go well. Still have a few people who I need to collect their insurance info. I still need to fully enroll in medicare through Sessions. I still need to follow up with a few things. Its all weird to me and I have no idea what I am doing. learn by mistake has never been my strong suit. 

On Sunday I saw a bunch of Morris folks... and it was lovely. I am wondering if I want to be more invested in that group again, or whether the ship has sailed. Its so nice to feel wanted... accepted... welcomed... and I need to get over my own shit. 

This week I am planning on doing therapy in person (my own therapy).  Aryn on Saturday for a walk. Maybe Illy one of these nights. Jesse reached out a few times, it was nice to chat with her.  E cancelled on me because she is taking her test soon and it kind of felt good to not have the pressure. Its been weird because I have been wondering if I need more closure with her... but at the same time, I walked down university and back and didn't see anyone that I was like "oooh" and I guess what I mean by that is, I am meeting people, getting to know folks, going out more, trying to be more extraverted, but I am not like WOWed... and then it makes me wonder if Ive been too harsh, at least I really like being around E... I can't say that for most folks.. I like them in moderation. With her it was easy to spend two years  -but maybe thats part of the problem. It was easy to come home... but there wasn't much life.

I have some more paperwork to do, but it feels like stuff is getting easier, and its more just about keeping up now. I am probably doing it wrong, but as my therapist pointed out, no one is looking over your shoulder. No one cares. No one is reading your documentation... you might get flagged once a year... but its ok. 

So its starting to dawn on me that I need to start figuring out whatever my next thing is. Like... spiritual direction is an option. A training like in somatic therapy?   A group... volunteering... a class... 

I was kind of considering like tai chi, or something. Something physical but not hard. 

I realize I am looking for something someone else directs because I am having to make all the decisions for everything now that I am my own boss and living on my own. Its kind of exhausting. 

I am trying to keep up with exercise and health, spanish, some level of creativity, work, finances, cleaning, spirituality, news, social life... and even though that feels like a lot, I'm watching hours of youtube every day and taking naps. So I think I can ass one more thing.

I don't have my own health insurance figured out yet for next month and it's scaring me a lot. I need to figure it out in the next two days I think... because Monday is a holiday -I think I am planning on working that morning... because what's the difference. 

I dunno... other than the guilt and feeling behind, today hasn't had a lot of big feelings or insights like I said. 

I wish I had a crush.   Ok now I have to figure out a poem. no pressure.