Mixed feelings again

 Last week, and again today I saw E. We made dinner and did a painting class online tonight and it was fun. But at a certain point I asked her to leave. I didn’t want a repeat of last week, in which I got really confused and then dwelled on it for two days. The same thing will probably happen this week. Because she called me on the way home and I told her how I felt. 

It’s confusing to feel so at home with someone, enjoy their company, and then send them on their way. I love this person. I feel comforted. It genuinely felt like home again last week. But then I got sad and hurt and angry again.

She reminds me of dreams I had and pain I experienced and now I am unsure what the path forward looks like. On the one hand, it would be easy to try again. And on the other, why try when it wasn’t working the first time?

In a month I am opening a business, and moving into a new apartment. It’s a fresh start. And part of me wants that. 

Another part of me feels glad she still loves me and wants a future with me in it, she hints at what that might mean, but doesn’t ask me for any commitment. 

I get so sad and confused. Part of it is that I hate to let her down. Part of it is that when she says these things or hints in certain ways, I’m like … yeah! That’s what I wanted for so long,  my heart broke for that. Part of me will be angry with her tomorrow that she is a year late… why bring it up now when I’m finally getting unstuck?

I told her tonight that I really need to focus and put my energy into these changes I am making. But it still feels so  hollow. Like, it would be one thing if I was super excited about these changes and really pumped to take these steps forward, but it isn’t that. I am taking them because I am sick of being stuck, because I want a direction and the one we had together became impossible… I’m taking them because they are logical and I’m ready for a change… but if I’d had my way, she would have fought harder, and I would have had a partner to work through these changes with. 

But what if she is ready now? What if, as she said on the phone, she’s just 9 months late…

But what has changed really?  I dunno… 

It just makes me sad and confused and feel drained. I told her I have to put my energy into moving forward and maybe when I do, I’ll be more clear about what I really want again. 

I mean, there are more and more days when I feel confident and grateful and optimistic… so maybe in a month or two I’ll feel more solid in that. 

But it’s still hard for now. Hard to feel pulled in two directions. Hard to watch part of your heart, and what you thought might be your future -walk out the door.