Joon

Its been a very chill weekend. 

I took some THC stuff on Friday and it was a basic body high, watched the movie Twisters... went to bed. 

Saturday I got all my chores done, groceries, laundry, went for a walk, did some reading. 

Today was church, walked to a different coffee shop than normal, did some reading, looked at apartments online. 

I looked at a few documents and things for the business but didn't really follow through on anything there. The lack of excitement and motivation has had me worried, but I am wondering if I am making it too big of a deal. Maybe I just need to make it smaller in scale, one step at a time. Like, look at the website. Consider a bio. Put the address on the website... kind of thing. 

Maybe I need to set a date for the end of work. July? August at the latest. 

I've been wondering if I should try to get an apartment before then -so that I have proof of income. I  might need to pull some from the stocks, I've been trying to spend my money on the business, but I don't really have any savings in my regular accounts. 

Perception is the biggest part of motivation, and I have not been perceiving myself as knowing what to do... but maybe I do know, and I am just afraid to do it?

It's been an odd year so far... finishing 5 months I guess, mostly feeling stuck but also making small steps that will eventually lead to something.  Attending church. Seeing friends more frequently than last year. Starting to exercise again I guess...  (the shoulder pain thing has been really hard lately). Not talking to E, and now talking with her once every week or two again. 

Life feels very up in the air, mid transition, and I wonder if having some dates would make it more real.

Furniture in my office June 19th, maybe the whole office sorted by the end of the month. Maybe I can go there to practice the EHR, and the website and the making new friends...

The tarot video I am watching right now is basically saying in June you will notice and recognize the distance between you and the past, but it will shake you up even though you saw it coming... is that with E or is that with work?  or is that with this life path I have been on, that maybe I don't want to be on? I dunno...

Spiritual Direction might be the next thing I take on.

Travel?  Of course I want to, but I want to when things feel settled and good, and I am not trying to escape. I want to with a partner, when I have a direction and a goal again.

I dunno...  I was walking home today and wondering why my energy had dropped and I think I realized I was grieving again, grieving the feeling of having something stable, a direction to move in... even if it was false, and I was half in, half out... it felt like something. Now I am directionless again... to some extent. When I get to that place I have to enter drama in order to remind myself. Be a little angry... be a little pissy, a little selfish. 

I have been wondering if I am depressed. I think the pain and body stuff is impacting me more than I am wanting to admit. Its not necessarily changing my habits.  I have an MRI next Saturday, hopefully they say some physical therapy or something, and not a tumor. I had another one of those, what if... moments today... escape fantasy?  Wanting things to be clarified by death? It makes me feel empathetic towards folks with chronic pain including E.  

I keep having all these strange worries... something bad is gonna happen.

I dunno... not a lot of clarity, but I think my perception is making it hard to move forward so let me change that. In the day to day I feel a lot of clarity and purpose. I am able to accomplish my goals and take small steps towards the future goals. Nothing extreme... I am a tortoise. I am embracing my tortoise self.

There was a bird trapped on our porch today. I put out some nuts and water, I was worried it would die of dehydration. I don't think it accepted my gifts. I am hoping it made its way home... but I am also worried it just died in an inaccessible place. 

At church today they did a glitter blessing. It was so simple and so silly... but it was nice. 

Ok... a little more reading... maybe a tv show, then sleep. 

Maybe its not depression, maybe just too much sunlight.