Do you ever just...

My horoscope this morning said "Even if your situation looks grim, luck is with you and you will know how to remain calm whatever happens. This will allow you to realize a wish that you made a few days ago." My first reaction to this was - oh shit something terrible is going to happen, and it may lead to wonderful results, but prepare your ass.

The day started off a little rocky, I woke up at my normal time but totally exhausted, and immediately remembered that I had a 7AM appointment, meaning I had about 40 minutes to shower, get dressed, eat breakfast and drive 15 minutes to work. I got there on time, skipping the morning coffee... then the kid didn't show.

Why was I tired? I couldn't sleep last night. The rising temperature. The thoughts swirling in my head. A weird dream in which part of Bo Burnham's new Netflix special shocked me away, reminding me in the middle of the night that everything is connected and nothing matters, or something to that extent. The special is amazing BTW. I was overthinking about work of course. I was praying. I was watching asmr. I was reading erotica. I was overthinking everything again. repeat.

So I woke up a little groggy, the kid didn't show. I went to get coffee and then realized I had hours to kill before all of my afternoon appointments. Conveniently that gave me time to check in on the kid that I was worried about all night, and 2 weeks of drama was worked out in a morning, plus we prepped for a family appointment in the afternoon that went well.

My work is now a bustle of new people who don't know what they are doing, and me feeling like I need to show them everything and wondering why they all seem so relaxed when I am still stressing. Like, you're the new folks, you should be stressed, I should be confident... but that is not the way the world works.

I am very aware that the folks who have worked with me the longest are all burned out... its really difficult.We are bitter, and frustrated with new folks when they don't jump in and take care of things. If another person leaves? If I leave? Our receptionist basically told me I wasn't allowed to. She said I was one of the good ones, even though her dog didn't like me at first -which she saw as a sign, until he started wanting to be petted by me, and she realized its just because I am a cat person. Who would she talk to about Lucifer?

Overall the day mostly went well, we worked stuff out, most of the kids had fun, the teachers had them paint pots and gave them flowers to plant. It was good. I was wrapped up in my thoughts of what trauma can do to people, and thinking of that movie Manchester by the Sea. (Which I just watched several scenes from that always move me to tears).

I was at work from 7 until like 5:30 or something... but whatever, I don't have a life. I pride myself on being good at what I do. I do it, I do more of it, I learn more and keep getting better. I felt good about work today, who cares if I am wasting my personal life away, right?

Jesse texted me a bunch last night and today, nothing major just catching up. It's a nice reminder that the world exists. Australia is like us, but also really not like us. She talks about how they messed up the vaccine roll out, but also about how she has stayed on unemployment for years by taking low pay jobs and 13 hours a week, and after working a 10 hour day... I am like... oh shit, life? what do you even do with all those hours?

What do I do? I didn't go for a walk in the 95 degree heat. I didn't buy groceries like I've been telling myself to all week. I didn't clean or organize my messy apartment, or do dishes.

I buy Chinese food, watch some YouTube, watch A Promising Young Woman (on the Bo kick and have always adored Carey Mulligan). And then because I am lonely, I snoop around Facebook. And new sights bring that familiar but always difficult heaviness to my chest, the stinging warmth, and I try to sit with it.

With the hurt, the anger, the jealousy, the confusion, the feeling of betrayal. I just sit with it, breath into it, see what it has to say to me. I assume it wants to be held, my heart, wants to be seen and loved and soothed, so I try to offer what I can. But it is still a difficult thing to accept.

I am curious about this feeling. I used to have it with other exes, and even some of those friends I had crushes on. I know it goes away with time. I know that new people make it hurt less. But I am curious about this feeling. Wondering when it started. Was it when I was a kid? When I was a teenager?

I remember being shocked and angry as Nikki smiled while she broke up with me, because I let her off the hook. I remember being devastated that M was so cold in the driveway as she dropped off my stuff. Like a fucking robot sociopath. Not a single part of her wanted to sooth the pain she was part of. Why do I still wonder about her when at the end she treated me so poorly? And yet my heart burns with the breaking, the wound is still warm. I suppose that's a good thing, something to cherish. Mike you are alive, and your heart is capable of breaking again and again.

There was that one time I asked it, but with this last one, I just kept insisting... heart you yearn for this, love it, love every part of it, why not break a little more and let the chaos in? Tonight I watched a video I had seen before about how some people are hopeless romantics, meaning (according to the video) that they just yearn for the story. And I am that, even if I don't speak it aloud. I am constantly craving the story, shifting and changing it in my mind. My mind is a terrifying place sometimes. I am in awe of it.

My heart, also to be treasured, but I am aware that it is vulnerable. I hurt my heart. I did it. So why do I keep blaming her? They look cute together and I know they had more in common than we did. Why should I be jealous and possessive? They have been together longer than we were. They probably have all the same issues we had. This is my craving heart that needs to mend, not hers. 

I review the pictures of our time together, it seems like so long ago and only seconds. I remember these moments, I remember being happy and being grateful that she was with me. I remember seeing her smile and thinking it was genuine as well. These little adventures, make me feel good, but they are also distant. Almost YEARS ago now or in some cases actually years ago. Its odd to hold this, maybe its because I have been running from these pictures, or not sure what to do with them. My own collection of trophies that I haven't ever gotten to display. Wanna see one? 

how about this one... no, why chisel these remembrances. She looked happy. But she didn't know me or didn't care enough to make it work. I was happy, but I was deluding myself. I can have that again with a partner who wants to be with me... just need to let it go. 

And then I return to her Facebook page, something I haven't actually done in months. And she has a hundred new memories without me, and this time it doesn't hurt, or at least not much. I am curious, I am kind of grateful, I ask G-d to take care of them. I miss the kids. I want happiness for all of them. I don't want my grumbling and pain to be a part of their story, like my angry heart might have insisted only minutes ago. 

But, I definitely need someone new.

Which wish did the horoscope mean?