jealousy, travel, choices, novelty

Weird to quote a teenager, but feeling it. 

We have no students next week, so I took a few days off. I am trying to find something to do that isn't just sitting around my apartment like I have been for over a year. It's only 2 extra days along with the weekend... so it doesn't seem like much. DC? Winnipeg? Boston? Not sure what I would do in Winnipeg. Some of the museums I want to see in DC won't be open. Haven't actually looked into Boston yet. It feels like things are available, but also not (still Covid).  I also took the 1, 2, 6 of July off to go up north with family. I will probably also take some time off in August since we have another week before school starts again. 

I have this very strong feeling like I am not doing enough. Yesterday I got off work a bit later than everyone else, but returning home, I didn't have anything to do. I didn't have a friend to reach out to. Didn't have a special project I wanted to do. It was basically like any other night. I woke up this morning and experienced the same feeling. How will I fill my day? I updated my computers. I cleaned my coffee maker. Played computer games. Watched YouTube. Grocery shopped. Walked around the lake. Took a nap. Nothing extraordinary. Nothing to brag about. Life standing still. 

This week I tried a few new things or things I haven't done in a while. Top Golf with coworkers, actually enjoyed it. Shamanic journeying, not sure I enjoyed it. Finished the class I have been taking for 10 weeks. Got hit by some water balloons. Played with clay. It felt good to try a few new things, and yet, not much really seems all that appealing these days. 

I suppose I could vary up my walks, try a new lake, go to the art museum. See a movie. 

Saw some friends last week. That was nice. 

I was thinking a lot this week about how I have mostly become the "nice" person that I wanted to be... but it doesn't really matter. People continue to perceive me how they will. Anxiety continues to get in my way. I don't seek out drama, nor adventure very often. New experiences are... well, I might enjoy them or not, but they don't seem all that important and yet I am also super bored. I am sitting around the apartment wishing I could just sleep for 10 hours. Thats not really living. 

I went to the shamanic journeying thing hoping to meet people I might connect with, but instead it felt kind of creepy. Or rather, it felt like an alternative version of the stuff I do, caretaking people who have a strong NEED to be known, they get it through the classes there, people in therapy get it through paying a therapist. I don't need it in that way, though I am still considering a therapist. 

I am lonely, but I am also not interested in putting up with... which is a really difficult spot to be in. 

Not sure what the future holds. Not sure if it matters. 

Illy says sometimes when she feels what I am feeling, it means something is about to change. It definitely feels like this chapter has completed, but I am not sure what or who is calling. 

Thats what it is. 

Tonight feels like it would have been a good night to have some edibles, or mushrooms or something. Do a little journeying. I might just finish up some meditation videos on balancing the masculine and feminine.  

Thats another thing I have been considering lately...