Drained

The last few days I've been feeling really exhausted.  I didn't get as much sleep this week, and haven't been taking care of myself as well as I should.
I did the parent discussion thing the other night, and they asked me to come back and do it again.
But I am not sure if I want to.  Why try to facilitate a discussion in another community when their own people could do it?  It feels a little like colonizing. I wasn't sure if I was doing it "right" anyway. The parents wanted to talk, so I tried not to take up too much time. I shared a few ideas, and tried to keep it positive and hopeful. I am not sure if that's what was "needed."

I spend most of my time in that mindset. "What is needed?"  Either in my life or in the lives of others.  It's sort of my response to a scarcity worldview. I think it endears people to me initially, and then becomes a reason for why they don't want to stay.

My family is really struggling with my little brother's behavior. He's using a lot of hallucinogens and feels more connected to a higher purpose, but is doing it in potentially really harmful ways. He is not mindful of how it impacts others, he sees it as harmless but is constantly setting off panic alarms in other people. I asked him if he wanted to start a blog with me, or a book club and reflect on spiritual stuff. We started one, but neither of us has put much effort into it. It hasn't really created its own flow yet.

It's interesting to see the push-pull, the way his behavior so explicitly demonstrates both that he is seeking connection and also unable to responsibly handle it.

My drama mind keeps going back to that push-pull with M (this is Imago work naturally), how she complains that she has no one in her life, not enough friends, undependable family, her ex wasn't supportive enough (all shouting I am the victim), but then in her relationships with people, the moment she is let down she gives up or pushes them away. Rarely makes attempts to repair. Is selective in who she gives her energy to (usually people who will praise her).

I wonder if I do the same?  Do I choose my friends based on people who I don't think will hurt me if they leave? Do I seek out people who won't be too upset if I let them down? Do I bring up people who won't make it a conflict in the first place?    I don't know.  I haven't had enough coffee this morning.

I am not sure about anything right now.  I have the last session of the white fragility book club tomorrow and I haven't read anything in weeks. I have to send out some resources, and haven't finished the email yet. I have A LOT of paperwork from this last week that I totally neglected because I was tired. I am supposed to see people this weekend, and I am not sure if I need to (meaning I need some social energy) or if I shouldn't (because I am feeling drained).
I have a lot of people on my worrying mind, and I am not sure if I can do anything about it.

Maybe after I have more coffee I can make some good decisions.
Plan my life out. Give myself a break.

I think that's the thing about single life in quarantine that is so weird, literally none of the day to day matters anymore.  It makes perfect sense why my brother is seeking, big impacts, novelty, connection. The drama is easier than not knowing, not having, and being totally overwhelmed with meaninglessness.