Falling in and out again

Tonight after saying goodbye to gabi (we had scrapbook class) I couldn’t help but notice all the south Minneapolis houses with lights and cool designs and what not. It was dark out, and the snow was melted, and it seemed like a cool place to live. I drove through uptown and grabbed some baklava at Lund’s, and thought about how I wish I had someone to enjoy things with.   

On and off since I got off work I’ve been stifling this desire to write to E… not so much out of desire to connect but out of desire to state my truth in all its ups and downs.  Like I miss so many things, and it was pretty awful towards the end.  Like I over indulged in how good it felt to be a family, and hated it when I couldn’t rely on you to be my adventure buddy. Like I didn’t mind cooking dinner and getting groceries and what not, but I didn’t like that I felt responsible for more than my half…

And on and on and on….

I’m getting closer to my goals with starting a business. It’s scary and exciting… I want to start the next part of my life, but I miss my life too, or what had been my life. I miss having my partner. 

It was far easier to let go when I was hurt or angry… but most of that isn’t present much of the time… I have to remind myself a lot of the time why it had to happen. Remind myself it was a tower moment, and things had to fall apart or we both wouldn’t be free to pursue our paths.  That if it could have worked, it would have… 

But knowing that it felt fated only soothes when I’m hurt or angry, or distracted or hopeful about something else… not much soothes in the lonely times or the boring times, or the times when things feel good and I want someone to share that with. And that sucks. 

Gonna try to finish as much of this business stuff as I can tomorrow, and just turn it in…  not sure when I can set up the new business. But I’ve got a lot of work to do. 

It’s nice to picture this new path forward. Wish I knew what else I could look forward to. 

Lazy sunday

Today I went to church. Did laundry. Wrote to Courtney who I should write back. 

I did not get all my business or financial stuff in order like I had hoped to. A little bit done, but not sure it is even right. I started some of the divesting from Wells Fargo I’ve been meaning to do, but it’s still not fully there. 

I didn’t spend much time outside despite it being close to 50 out. I felt very unmotivated and spend a lot of time on my phone. In church today, they said we were allowed to rest and it didn’t make us bad to do so… but it’s another one of my hang ups. 

I did a little reading on the wounded healer… nothing too revelatory.  I listened to some tarot videos. I listened to some good music. 

This week is the last week of February. Last scrapbooking class on Wednesday. February went quick! 

I’m hoping to start a business in 2-3 months and it takes at least that long to get credentialed. I just need to get all the paperwork done and in… then I can work on the fun creative parts like a website and a personal description and buying stuff…

I don’t know why it all feels so hard. 

Maybe last minute I will abandon this plan and just leave for Southeast Asia for a year. That’s always a possibility right?

I’m a little worried im getting sick. It wouldn’t be so bad to have a reason to take three days off if I could actually get shit done while I was sick. 

Church was really good today. 

I want more positive community in my life.  It would be nice to have a partner. Maybe after I finish this paperwork. 

hsgfafdssfish

 What to do with your imagination today? 

Journal? Predict the future? Write a story that feels less important now that we are living through a coup? A business plan?  Imagining the future during unpredictable times. Reach out to a friend? Recall a memory? 

 

The other day I did a brief journal prompt, 5 alternative lives (life’s?).

It was interesting to have the same exact things come up… the fisherman by the sea, the teacher, the pastor, the writer, the traveler.  I couldn’t think of any others that call me… Maybe I could imagine the communal living guy… family and a garden that I don’t really know how to attend to. A bunch of produce I don’t actually eat. Maybe I could imagine owning a theater or a coffee shop or an art gallery, or a communal space… but all of these are just variations of business and I am already having those difficulties. 

 

One of the things that was startling was that they were all such introverted, non-familial pursuits. I guess I have been in my own head for so long that its hard to imagine a home life.  Maybe that is where me and Elsa were so different. She could only envision home life, and I can only envision a public one? A role?  That’s probably too simplified. 

But what does it mean that when I am asked to imagine a different life it is so hard for me t imagine a family these days… or it isn’t really, its just hard to imagine how that comes about and or leads me forward. It’s not the priority I guess. 

 

It makes me think about what kind of Father I would actually be… if my mind is consumed with role. Would I appear pretty distant and not invested in my kiddos? Would they know I care? Would I be warm? Would they be the center of my world, or just a prong outwards?  And how do I feel about that. I don’t know. 

I suppose, I’ve always assumed I would adapt when the opportunity presented itself, but maybe because I haven’t prioritized it, it hasn’t happened. 

I assume I will meet someone in a magical way (they walk in the door), or become friends with a coworker or something and it will become a relationship (as my most recent experiences have been). I have dreams about people I have loved, and those I will love, and I look for these faces wherever I go. But who knows… maybe they are not real, just an amalgamation of faces I’ve see in the real world. 

 

If we are not imagining, then are we really working towards anything?

Have I taken enough time lately, to just sit and create?

 

At the end of the exercise, the next question was around, what would you do if money weren’t an issue… and the truth is, I’d do more of the same. I’d write, and create, I’d seek out spiritual opportunities and travel, I’d work with people, teach, listen, counsel… I might have a little more security and property and I might use that as a place to hold space for others… but generally, it would be the same.  

I haven’t necessarily given up on the idea of a school, or a community center, or a spiritual center…   or a van by the ocean. I just have more perceived limitations than I used to believe.

But that could change. I’m not pushing it away… just not necessarily reaching. 

This whole business thing has really made me aware of how difficult it is for me to do things that I’m not good at… its like doing math, it’s like doing unwanted logistical legal work… its… tedious and I hate it. Hopefully once it is established, I can get into the habit of the upkeep, and just focus on what I care about… but whatever.

 

 

I’m getting warm in this coffee shop, and I am aware it is getting busier… and my skin is dragging against the surface of the table… and I kind of hate it. I want to be in public spaces for the opportunity, but I also don’t really want to be here anymore. 

 

Maybe my sugar level is dropping and its time to go get groceries or something…

That was more scarcity… what about abundance?  

 

Abundance looks like, knowing spring will come again. 

How To Keep Your Heart Open In Hell - Ram Dass

This is a video I watch repeatedly. It helps center me when I am working. I have watched it so many times that sometimes I think I have it memorized.   

I am trying to remind myself that at this moment I can be both happy and sad. 

I've been really struggling the last few days. People outside of my brain might not recognize that, but it catches in my words which are jumbled or not spoken loudly enough. Its in my stomach which feels uncomfortable. It's in the muscles of my back and neck and shoulder. It's a heaviness in my chest.

A few weeks ago when I was feeling like this my therapist named it survivors guilt. She meant specifically with Elsa, but I feel like in the days and weeks since its only grown larger. 

Survivors guilt, along with secondary trauma, along with being an empath, along with the awareness of my privilege, along with being aware of the history of humans... and not having magic words or actions... or special insight or ability to lead us away from suffering. Gabi reminded me last night that on some level this is the way of things, the natural world, the rise and fall... and it's true. But it doesn't erase the fear people are experiencing. It doesn't erase the anger. It doesn't erase the grief.

In the meantime I am not meeting my own expectations for things... the goals I set... and yet, I am disappointed and really frustrated with how long it is taking to do these simple things. To make decisions, to get answers, to have all my ducks in a row. The ducks are not in rows... for the business. And every day I seem to realize another little hurdle that means they won't be in rows for a little while. 

Like tonight I was looking at liability and malpractice insurance... how much? what does it cover? when can it start?  And it should be the click of a button, but it seems expensive... so I want to find out if there is a better deal somewhere or if someone can guide me through it.

Or, while reading paperwork to get credentialed, realizing I have to make sure my address is the same with IRS, the bank, and everyone else... well, I started the business with my home address, but now I have an office address... so... shit.   

But it's stupid small stuff. 

This week I have been trying to pay more attention to my dreams, and I am not sleeping well. And my dreams seem to be on a spectrum from "tedious" to "oh shit" like the other day I dreamed that the pipes in the house I was renting were all leaking and I couldn't get ahold of the landlord... or a plumber or anyone.

And that sounds right... like hey, I know I should be trying to fix this, but I am in way over my head, and its your stuff, and what the fuck should I do?  (where are the adults?)

And the micro sure is the macro eh?

I think I feel that way with my life too... like I am trying something new, and I need more guidance than I am getting. And at the same time, I feel stupid for asking for help (and then not knowing how to ask for the specific help I need when they tell me something I already know, or that isn't helpful). 

I am not good at feeling dumb. I am terrible at it.    (I feel like a little kid)

So I am constantly distracting myself, and then when I am not distracting myself I am either aware that my body hurts, or aware that I am on the verge of tears... and that has been my week. 

I know I am checking things off my list... its just so slow. I want to get back to things I care about. 

Maybe I don't even want a business... maybe I just want to run away to Malawi. 

Whatever.   (teen mike coming out).

Ok so lets get back briefly to this little kid thing and the survivors guilt.

I feel bad that things are not that bad for me personally... and that everyone else is suffering... because I don't know what to do about it and even though it isn't my responsibility to take care of everyone else, it feels like it is... so I am feeling bad right now because people are hurting for no reason, and this is also just what life is. And I have to accept that. 

But I don't want to. I want to change it. 

Something good could come from all the destruction of the Unites States... it is possible that something better will grow from this wreckage... but it feels awful now and I imagine it will get much worse before it gets better. And its not my responsibility to take on the worlds suffering. And its ok for me to be both happy and sad. Not give away my life, and not become a robot... just accept both.

Stepping into it

What's the it?   

I guess that is the question, can I trust myself and the universe and move forward into new things?

Between the weekend and taking yesterday off, I have been trying to make some moves in my life (primarily about the business). And yet, I keep getting stuck, slowed down, unanticipated barriers, little things I have to learn, little things I just have to take a leap on even though I am not necessarily feeling prepared. Its hard not to live into the disappointment or the frustration with it. Several times I've asked for help from people, or tried to look stuff up online, or made phone calls and gotten nowhere... but I am determined to keep trying.  I am sick of sitting around and hoping things will be different. 

Some things I've been doing, going to the bank and setting up a business account, talking to a consulting group and preparing to get credentialed through them with insurance, checking in with my mom re: what she did, signing up for an email and a phone and a website, calling and emailing regarding liability insurance, going on gov websites to make sure everything is legal, thinking about taxes and researching electronic health records... making lists, and lists, and lists, and post it notes... and signing up for little things I didn't know I needed. 

I am sure I screwed some things up, I've had to backtrack a few times... I'm trying to remind myself that that is normal and that mistakes will be made...all opportunities for growth and learning, but I've never been good at accepting my mistakes -so I suppose some personal growth in having to...

I am hoping to get a bunch of things in place this week, and then quit in May, and be up and running late may/early June.  Its still awhile away, but there is a lot to get in place. 

I probably need to meet with a tax person. Even when I am credentialed with insurance, there will still be hoops to jump through. In my downtime between now and then, I can craft the website and laminate stuff for the office, look at furniture etc. 

So much to do...

All of it is bringing stuff up. A lot of it is bringing up stuff with E... what happens when I level up? Why do I feel guilty for moving forward?   

A good example this past weekend was seeing Hadestown, alone.   I had feelings about the technical issues... but it was a moving performance.  Sitting alone with an empty seat was a constant reminder... each milestone or change without her, is part of the grief, more and more memories without. New life. And its hard. I think in particular its hard when I am feeling alone, or scared, or enjoying life without someone by my side. It makes me question what I am doing stuff for?  Why build a business? Why live here?  Why try ---when I am not exactly sure what it will lead to, and what if cuenca doesn't offer me a partner to live this beautiful life with?   

I'm grounding. I'm cleaning and organizing (though of course not the little cracks and crevices -EG the bathtub could use a good cleaning). But putting things in their place. Trying to imagine, to build, to prepare to build at least. I am heading towards what seems to indicate further success... 

I am hoping that this opens up more opportunities. I think that would be the best way to put it. 

Socially... Its been cold -so I haven't been THAT social.  Might see Pete on Friday. Had chipotle with my Dad and almost screamed at him on Sunday (politics). Talked to my mom a bunch re: business. Saw James at his work yesterday when I went to a protest. Attending a scrapbooking class with Gabi on Wednesdays... attending church on Sundays. But am I doing enough to meet new people?  Am I creating the community I want to live in?

I keep thinking about whether I will ever have a family. The politics right now doesn't make me want to... but its just such a crazy thing to be so sure that would be part of your life, to accepting that maybe it wont be.  Pete is having his third this spring... I mean, I am technically still able to. It's just hard to imagine what that looks like.  As I make decisions re: the business I am also thinking about how that will shape the life I have. My mom was intentional about setting her hours so she could come home to us. She took fridays off later in her career to have more time to rest and travel. My Dad had summers off to take care of us. -I could make a ton of money... or I could just make sure I am doing ok financially and then enjoy life.  I could make this business the vehicle for my mission and values... or I could recognize whatever mission I have is bigger than just that role. 

I could use it as a launch point for other things, like teaching or training... or I could spend my free time writing and being with friends.   Its all up to me once I start it. But where am I driven?

This post has been very intellectualized... it doesn't really feel like its conveying how emotional all of this has been... and I haven't even mentioned how much I've been trying to escape into my phone. Hours and hours a day trying to not feel the feelings I have... and instead trying to get that dopamine. 

I haven't even been writing, or journaling or reading... because if I have the space -Im trying to do business stuff... no extra creative energy...

I should probably be spending more time meditating, getting centered, imagining.

Maybe that will be the goal rather than checking off all the lists?

I dunno. 

Drama

My mind tended towards drama today.

I think the guilt I discussed yesterday of having so much of E's stuff, of wishing things had been different, of wanting to move forward, meet new people, have a life. 

Yesterday being around James' and Ali's kiddos... it just feels like I am missing out on a huge chunk of life. Maybe that won't be for me. But being a single 41 yr old feels kind of pathetic when i am around my family. It's fine... I just wanted to be heading towards something. 

I dunno, maybe its because I feel like I squandered my alone time this weekend. I didn't do much writing or other personal goals. I got the apartment mostly cleaned up. Laundry tomorrow since the neighbors are using it today. Groceries yesterday, ate a lot of fruit and veg to counter the fried foods this weekend. 

Hung out with family and with Illy. Went to church. That is good. But I guess I didn't make any progress on writing thus far, or the little side projects for work or the business. Too much time on the instagram... I think i am averaging like 7 hours or more on my phone each day. Its kind of gross. 

I need someone in my life, that adds. 

Back to the drama...

I stayed up late on the internet last night, and had weird dreams that felt very vivid at the time (I don't recall them now). But I didn't feel very positive in the dreams, didn't feel proud of myself. Then I woke up and even though there was sunlight and I got up in time for church, I wasn't feeling the day. I did my gratitude practices and prayed and all that, and it was ok... but I found myself thinking of all the reasons I am hurt by or angry with E (which isn't how I spend most of my time). It was like I needed to justify why I shouldn't feel guilty, why I shouldn't feel bad for wanting to move forward. 

I found myself trying to explain to some hypothetical stranger that it wasn't my fault, and that I needed to make a change, and that I didn't abandon her... cuz somewhere in me, I still feel very guilty for letting her down. I am mad at her sometimes for making me so responsible (even though it was my choice), because then when I had to make a change, I had all the power. 

Which isn't entirely the case, I mean she did move out without me saying anything, she did un-invite me from a planned trip we had to Rochester, she did criticize me, and make me feel like I was the one not doing enough when I was literally taking care of everything that had to do with us... but its hard because I was in love with her and wanted her to step up... and that just didn't happen.

And I feel bad that I had to have expectations and standards for how I want to be treated... I guess that's what I am saying. I feel bad that I wanted a partner and not a dependent. 

So like I said drama..... drama drama drama. 

The other part is that Hadestown is coming up and I am starting to think I am gonna go... but I don't want to invite anyone. I want to go and cry and feel the grief. I think Im gonna... but I am also scared. and that's stupid but its true. I am scared to go to one of my favorite plays because I know I am gonna feel some heart break, and I feel guilty for going. 

Why do I feel so guilty all the time?  childhood shit of course.  but... I need to not live into this stuff anymore. I am ready to be an adult. I am ready to handle adult shit. 

I was ready to have a relationship... I am mad at her that she basically flung everything in my lap and said I needed to do better to make her happy, when from the the beginning I said I wanted something equal. And I am mad at myself for trying for 2 years because I knew from the beginning, but I didn't want to believe I was right. I tried so hard to make stuff work, but it wasn't enough.  I don't like that I know I choose the wrong people for me. But again, it feels karmic sometimes. Its like... shit, I still have to learn this lesson. 

And all of this is to say. I really do want the best for her. I do. I just also want the best for me, and I feel guilty that choosing myself hurts others. That's not my intention. 

For the most part lately (until these feelings this weekend), I haven't really been in this space. I have been choosing to have faith, and been quite optimistic. Even that little meditation on Friday I was just soooo ok with the fact that pain happens, shit happens, and its not anyones fault... but today drama. 

drama llama back.   

Maybe I'll be able to do some writing now that I've just spilled this... I feel bad for complaining but its the same old shit isn't it?

Another week

 

It is Saturday Feb 8th. James turns 43. From the outside, he has accomplished all of the american goals. Married with 2 kids, a house, cars, retirement plan(presumably), good jobs etc., friends, community, world travel. Is he happy?

We will celebrate at a bowling alley this afternoon.

I came to spyhouse to write my book. I have done some thinking, minimal editing, a little compiling of ideas but no writing yet. Maybe it isn't a writing day, but a thinking day. 

It is snowing and it seems to be creating a clean slate, or at least allows the possibility of that dream. I find old pictures or videos of E and it makes me sad. I want to say I am happy for the time we spent together, but I am also sad, and I don't really get to choose which emotion comes when. 

Gabs and I started a scrapbooking community ed class, but spent the whole time talking politics while looking at old photos. I chose to document the Atacama Desert part of the south america trip... seems like a lively set of photos at least. I really enjoyed it. She is excited for the class. I feel like it offers us the space and some tools, but I wish I had more people coming over into my space and maybe it can turn into that eventually. With E, sometimes it felt like we didn't have enough space, but now that I am alone I barely use half of it.  The living room entirely reminds me of her, its her Dad's couch and elliptical, her tv. Its all her. 

Its weird that way. I kind of wish I hadn't bought the stuff from her, even though it seemed to be helpful for both of us at the time. I guess in its current configuration, I just have all this stuff that reminds me of her. My furniture and stuff doubled at least.  How do I take that into a new relationship without feeling conflicted? I haven't heard from her in a while... That's what she said would happen, but it feels odd. If that is what is best, fine... but its hard sometimes too. Hard when you have incorporated someone into yourself, and your future, and then realize you have to let go of all of that... even if the remnants are left in your space, the hugs and scratches are still on your heart. The mind... ooh. I hope she is happy, send positive vibes daily. But also, I want to move forward in my life.

Keep finding myself returning to the Frusciante quote "wide pain in the blue-white break up, all paths divide, life has a way of opening up." I first fell in love with that cd on a class trip to Italy in high school. Getting close to so many people, experiencing so much with them, and then having to go back to normal. I think the blue-white break up has always felt like waves crashing on the shore to me, the Mediterranean... but I don't think he was thinking of that. All paths divide. Life and death, change is inevitable. Life has a way of opening up... becoming bigger, growing, changing always, even in death we decay and give way to new life. And its painful still. Its painful, but necessary. 

Yesterday I did a meditation off a youtube video and just felt sooooo part of everything, and also distant and aware and it was all perfect. Even the awful parts...but later in the day, listening to people's pain, I still felt sucked into the drama of life... Ram Dass says that its important to do both, to see the perfect, and to be compassionate with the suffering. Its all curriculum for the soul, but we don't grow without being part of it. Sandpaper transforming us into ourselves. 

It was a hard work week with the politics, but generally life (for many people) seems to be moving forward... and me too. ... don't be stuck in the past -Seems like that will happen now that I have decided on an office space. It is probably more than I should*be spending but who cares. I could probably find something better and bigger, but again who cares.  More space just means more to fill.   I chose office 311 *though it hasn't been confirmed yet. I am taking that as a sign... maybe I will throw some 311 quotes on the wall or something. I think if I can do about 20 sessions on average a week I'll still be fine financially. If I need to add more I can. If I need to subtract, I can. Its not set in stone... its all mine to play with. Maybe I will be bored and want more clients. 

This week at work was very slow, so I shredded a bunch of notes, and made copies of stuff. I bought a new laminator I haven't used yet. Preparing. 

Need to open a bank account for the business. Need to start figuring out how to prep for taxes. 

Gave myself a hair cut and it helped with the self consciousness I have been feeling. I need to keep it clean. Not a lot going on, and yet, so much. Today writing, groceries? laundry?  time with family... Tomorrow, Church and a movie with Illy.  

Not a lot... and yet my shoulders are raised and my anxiety flows through my body. 

I know its probably too early... though who knows how long a person is suppose to wait... its been 4 months, but I often think about how little opportunity I have to meet new people. The tarot videos are always like, hey your person is coming... and I'm like, hard for them to meet me when I do nothing but go to work and then go home.    I think that is part of the reason I try to go out on the weekends even if I don't feel social or don't think it will amount to anything. The possibilities are there. 

Anyway... I have nothing to say, I am avoiding the purpose of being here. I also seem to be developing a head ache. Yay

Forward

 

Sunday night... I am starting to picture a path forward. I am gonna get an office and start my business. Meet new people. Try new things. Its exciting, and its hard to focus on other stuff. 

I am listening to tarot videos and they keep telling me its gonna be really positive. I know that its silly, but its weird how sometimes it just seems to match. Leaving things behind, moving forward. The fools journey, a karmic cycle completed. Time to move into the next thing.  "A lot of green lights coming from the tarot deck." 

Today I visited a friend's family mansion home in Whittier, and it had so much potential... just a few blocks from my place, a beautiful space, but I wasn't really wanting to sign on board. Of course it was a cool place, but I want to get out of this old pattern. I love this apartment, but I need something else. I don't want to work at my current job anymore, I want to put my energy and interest into something new... I am hopeful about this part of life. I am optimistic about a future. 

I'm sitting here, getting excited. Difficulty concentrating on anything else. Ready to start a new journey... and I am craving, like deeply craving something connective to ground this energy, a love, a mission, a moment of light from the heavens beaming down... or whatever  and then suddenly burst into tears... because I wanted this with E, this excitement, this world of freedom and possibility, and there just wasn't anyway to make it happen. 

And I'm sad, and kind of mad at her that she couldn't change, or that we couldn't change to make things work.  

And some part of me feels karma intervened... and I know that seems weird and disempowering, but I am so sad, and also so ready to not feel stuck anymore.  

Of course she is the first person I want to tell. I don't get to anymore. 

It kind of takes the whole excitement down a notch... I know I shouldn't dwell, but Cuenca Dear a question, kna mean? 

Generally I feel very good. I feel motivated. I feel ready. I feel like I am gonna have a terrible time trying to decorate -because I don't really know how. 

First of the month

Its Febrero, some folks hate this month cuz its cold and dull. But I like that it is short, a slightly easier step, like "hey, take it easy. I know it's hard."  It's James' birthday month, not that we are great at celebrating him. 

It's the second week of the tyrant's 2025 project. They aren't trying to hide that anymore. I am not angry this morning, so I won't get too far into that. I am more like... how do we celebrate humanity and creation?

I am likely gonna go to a protest today in South Minneapolis. I wanted to write, but my brain isn't awake enough yet, and even though I like going to coffee shops (I am at spy house right now), it feels a bit too loud and lively -Can't hear my own thoughts that well.  Maybe I should trust the muse and let it take me, just spit out words until something new is created.

Its a month of making decisions and following through. I am going to find an office and start the private practice. I am going to keep writing. I am going to pray with my feet when given easy opportunities. I am going to post stuff if I need to. I am going to invest in myself and others. 

What does that really mean? I don't know, but I don't want to get bogged down too much. I want to trust that I will make the most of whatever comes, and I am a little sick of being in the hanged man position... ready for some fool energy. I think having a next step, even if it isn't perfect will improve my mindset and help me invest in things. 

So this month, what do we got... a new community ed class with Gabi on wednesdays...  potential office spaces to sign up for... Folks to prepare and either bring over or let go... some contracts to sign - to get credentialed.   

So the deal with the offices so far:

A)  there is a building over by 280 St. Anthony Park neighborhood of St. Paul, that is being redone to make therapy offices. I went and visited it on Thursday and its really under construction right now, so it's hard to fully see the vision of the place. But I like the idea of it. I like the location, a change, something new. I like the idea of being around a bunch of other professionals, built in capacity for consultation, new people, many who are already running private practices (mentors?).  It feels like a great concept, the only problem (as far as I've seen), ok maybe two problems... one - costs, but when I have looked at other spaces in minneapolis area it feels comparable, so two - I don't like that the air ducts are so prominent in the spaces with windows... I think because it is an empty space they stand out, and that likely won't be that big of a deal once there is furniture and decorations, but right now, they seem kind of in your face. I like the modernized industrial look, but it's a little much when there is nothing else to look at. So I need to get creative with how to use it. I think that's the key. But it also gives me the idea over and over of not seeking perfection, of just acknowledging there will always be flaws... and it's ok to work with them rather than staying stuck.  So I guess that space is giving me that mindset. 

B) My old coworker has offered to show me a space she is hoping to convert into offices. Apparently her family owns one of the mansions in my neighborhood. She reached out the night I was considering the other one... so now I am gonna go check that out. If it feels perfect, maybe I'll reconsider my position. I am potentially locked into my lease until Oct 2025 anyway... maybe I should just embrace the neighborhood again... it would likely be cheaper... likely a style I'd prefer.... very close to my place... could be the jump off point... for something later... but I think you could probably hear in my voice that I am ready for a change. 

Excited to get away and try something else. I need to put myself in new spaces to have new experiences, its true everywhere I go, there I am... but also I need opportunities to experiences different parts of me, and I can't do that if I always go with the same old thing. 

This morning some TikTok or something had Adele's "Someone Like You"  and it made me think about E, and letting go, and looking forward. Not an easy thing, but even more difficult if I leave everything the same. 

There is a lot to do no matter what, still some life to live (presumably). "Darlin there's no way to know, which way your heart will go"   as Mason Jennings would say...

I am hoping it continues to expand, find space, hold space, flow with the times.

And that same day

I was kind of frustrated with myself for not being able to accomplish my goal... so i went home and played computer games. it was nice... then around 5ish I was listening to Amanda Palmer  (Theater is Evil album)... and started feeling really sad, missing E... then I replayed the cd again- probably because she is blunt, speaks of love and lust, and boredom and anger, and grief and being human with music that sometimes sounds epic and a little like a soundtrack to my heart... and it made me sadder and sadder and kept having little memories of what I have missed. and decided I needed to make dinner. Maybe I'm just hungry... crying while making dinner. 

I don't know. I think its because with time, so much of the difficulties, any hurt or anger have disappeared. I miss my friend. Just talking with her. I miss having a companion. Someone to come home too. I miss my partner someone to build a future with.  

I dunno... its so easy to remember the breaking points, and the other reasons... but even if I think our break up is ultimately for the best, sometimes still, I just miss her, still want the world for her. 

I want the universe to step in and give me a direction. Something new to cling to. I sit in the space we shared together, grieving the life we made together while trying to dream a new one. And its ok. I love this space, even though she eventually couldn't. 

But how to move forward from the job I'm starting to hate (the company), without a new space to move into, I feel stuck. As with home, so as work?  meh...

I remember touring all those houses hopeful I'd find the next step, and then when I liked a house, I suddenly had this ache, because the person I wanted to show them to wasn't moving in with me..

What do I need all that space for? I barely use what is here. Half this shit, I could do without. 

I didn't do the writing I wanted to do (or at least not yet...) And I have to accept that... I am fine. Everything is fine... I am just sad. Its good to be sad, reminds you that your heart is fertile ground.

When I was coming home from Spyhouse feeling defeated, I started telling myself all the things Im grateful for... and it was a lot. I feel very blessed with this life... and I don't like that I am feeling so stuck. 

I was hungry then too, and started crying then. I am a crier... can't deny it. There is something about blood sugar here. Maybe I am diabetic. 

I dunno. Want something meaningful, and then walk away when it gets hard?  Is that what I am?  I don't think that's right, I think I overstayed because I loved... but then couldn't any longer. But what is this single life?  What's the point.

Gotta believe, have faith and all that.  That's the point. 

Gotta bring up my spirit, and eat my food before it gets cold. 

This was an angsty rant.

Later in Enero

 Its a Saturday morning, I am not feeling particularly well rested, or energized, or well... but I am not sick. I ate pizza last night and stayed up too late on my phone -part of that was really fun -watching the charismatic voice reviewing Janice Joplin, Live, Blues Traveler, and Meatloaf. Watching her glee and delight, trying to shape sounds in my mouth/throat. Part of it was because my computer game shut down randomly and I didn't want to restart it. Part of it was because I was avoiding journaling, reading, writing, because I was taking the night off... but still felt like I was avoiding. 

I still feel like avoiding. Avoiding a walk with my Dad, avoiding the theater tickets Teresa just offered, avoiding writing because I don't feel quite alive or awake or INTO it yet. Avoiding sitting with my body which is usually tight, dehydrated, inflamed. Avoid noticing it because my stomach is uncomfy, avoiding sitting with my body as it reminds me I have all this untapped emotion, loneliness, desire and I don't know what to do with it.  

Reminding me I have all this anger...   I think anger and disgust were prominent emotions this week. The politics of incoming President... the policy, the drama.  Easy to get swept up and judge the nation's shadow self. Easy to feel like we are headed in the wrong direction, towards the fear, towards the needless pain and heartache.  There are so many parallels to the rise of fascism that its hard to ignore. I am not getting cynical and hopeless light I have in the past, I am just seeing places to step in.

One of those places this week was on sharing the social media I found helpful... but I found myself preparing to battle and argue with conservatives...

The big thing that kept sticking with me was christian nationalists condemnation of a pastor asking for mercy for those who are afraid. It was such a simple culminating dividing line...   I shared the story in Matthew of Jesus telling the disciples right before he goes away of the sheep and the goats. Those who did for the least of us, did so to me... etc.   I wanted to educate, to school, to rip people a new one... but I didn't want to spend my anger engaging that way. Just leave the story and let them deal with their own cognitive dissonance rather than me struggling with it. A bit self righteous obviously... but still -right?

I find myself even more angry at work. We switched over to the optum system for emails and IT... but the building's heat is fucked up, and the internet and athena keep going down.  This company is denying 30% of the claims, can't get billing or credentialing right, and can't even heat the building... they pass propaganda through the email we are now forced to use. They talk about how they are making the health care system more efficient... the morality is out the window... and fundamentally I just don't believe in it, don't want to be attached to it... but what's my next step?  (took a second to go ask about the wycliff building again). 

I guess I was hoping that finding a space would be easy. Its been months and the leads that I have, haven't quite worked. I want to believe in divine timing, and also want to be ready and follow through with my portion... but am i wasting time? am I avoiding my responsibilities...

Given my experiences in life, you find something and it works out, or it doesn't and you move on... and this is all ok. Each direction ok.

The work itself sometimes gets boring. I am probably 'bored' with about 1/4-1/3 (I keep revising these numbers). Luckily each day there are clients I look forward to, and others I can enjoy even if we aren't doing anything... but maybe I should be letting go of a few clients -suggesting we need to revise goals or find something new?

Maybe I am dragging ass because this isn't what I want to do?  Maybe I want to move into life coaching or something that doesn't require insurance? Maybe I want to spend more time teaching or organizing?  Maybe I want to be an author and I just don't trust myself to follow through because of days like this when I am avoiding the hard work.  

I should spend some time thinking about that... why am I not allowed to be an author instead of a helper...?  

*because it isn't giving to others, its selfish

*because it isn't a real job (can you make money? can you guarantee an outcome?)

*because it is lonely, you don't have a support network for it

*because people will be disappointed that you walked away from something you're both good at, and that helps others

*because it is only part of what you want... not fully

And what do I want?  

I want to be an author, that is true. I want to be 'good enough' to be an author and I want my words to impact people. I also want to be a helper... (teacher, social worker, therapist, whatever). I also want to have a relationship and children and it is really hard to imagine doing all of these things, I also want to be a good friend, brother, son, uncle, but its hard to do so... I want to embrace all of me, and don't know how to balance these pulls. I want to serve, and also be there for myself. I want to live a spiritual life, but also indulge in all the hedonistic cravings...

Saw these musicians last night who create such beauty... move us. 

I alternated that with watching the scandalous... the mesmerizing, and with playing games on my phone, Tetris, risk, geography and word games... and occasionally stealing glances at the pictures of those I have loved. 

Oh this life is full of pulls... how to know which direction to allow your body and soul and mind to drift. 

I think I need to move from this seat, because the height of this table and the distance from the seat feel uncomfy, the wrong angle for things. I am just full of excuses today eh?

How to embrace what it, as it comes, acknowledge and release, rather than dwell on the uncertainty, control what is uncontrollable, the pull of Prometheus and Epimetheus -can't you sit in the present? Can't you sit with your humanity in all its vulnerability without having grand designs...

find the rhythm of the universe rather than trying to create it

What would that look like? How do you be a vessel, allow the muse to work its magic, let it be... be in the flow of the river, rather than clinging, or swimming against the current.

I suppose that is the way to say it... I feel out of the flow today.  Not sure where the access point is... or rather, I am sure its inside me... but I am not sure I am seeking it?

Not sure what else to say today. Should probably be out doing, instead of thinking... maybe I need a walk, maybe I could return and do some real writing later if I moved, moved, moved. 

 Still feeling sick. And my stomach hurts. And Im a little sad tonight.  

Tomorrow is gonna be  a long day, and then three day weekend, but at least two will have family stuff. 

I wish I were feeling more excited about that.

Yesterday I was in a better mood. Today, I am kind of accepting that the universe has to do what the universe has to do. And its our job to accept it. 

So I accept that my stomach hurts, and its making me a little dramatic and pitiful, and I am sad. 

Peace

Hey I’m 41

 Don’t have much to say. The day started well, got a little nerve wracking anxiety prone due to work stuff, then ended slow when I decided I didn’t care that much. 

Forgot to get Thai food. 

I just got an email regarding a potential space for my business, and it sounded cool. So hoping to set up a time to visit. 

Not much else. The tarot folks keep saying to believe in divine timing, to wait like the hermit, to set off like the fool, they say the sun is shining on me and generally I feel good even while I feel dumb. I’m 41, it’s time to start the next thing right? 

Hoping to sleep well on NyQuil. 

Maybe I need a cpap. 

Have a three day weekend coming up and I know birthday celebrations will be part of it, but generally I’m not trying to stay appreciative of my life without overdoing it. It’s been a really really good life. I’ve met wonderful people, been lots of places, done some awesome stuff.  Contributed and been blessed… so if anything happens. I am grateful that I’ve known you. 

Ok… gonna go to bed. Or play games or something. 

Goodnight

New me!?

 I turn 41 in a few days. I am sick right now, it’s just a cold, but sometimes I’m slightly miserable- so I can’t say I’m feeling all that introspective or reflective, but I wanted to journal. I feel like I’ve been avoiding things that require concentration all day. I’ve been accomplishing the minimum of the required things for me  to feel functional - but not much else. I went to church and hung out in the balcony cuz I didn’t want to feel like I might have to interact with people. I went to Costco which was the biggest excursion and spent 300$ but now I have a supply of those extra things  that will last a while. I got home around noon and felt exhausted.  I did the dishes and laundry… and made myself some food… but didn’t really do anything else for the past 8 hours and if you asked… I wouldn’t necessarily be able to tell you what I’ve been up to… some sleep im guessing, some phone time…  I dunno feels like the day was simultaneously really long and really short. 

Yesterday I also ventured out. I went to a “retreat for burnt out therapists” and it was really nice, but my DayQuil wore off half way through the day and it started getting much harder. I dunno if any of these were my people, but it was lovely to attend. I really enjoyed it, and a lot of that was just the spirit I chose to show up in. To be open, to be accepting, to be me and to appreciate the moment for what it was…

That being said, I went into it with a little magical thinking. All those tarot videos I watch for hope, gave me a little magical fantasy that maybe I’d meet my next person soon.   Not sure that happened. 

After the retreat I went to spyhouse and did a little bit of writing, but ultimately came home feeling pretty warn out. Even wondered if I’d make it out of the house today or tomorrow. With enough quil, anything is possible. 

Friday night (I think) I talked to Eduardo (j) for like an hour on Instagram and it was super nice. I laughed, I cried, I heard a little about her disaster of a trip to the Philippines. I felt envious of her travels, and also envious of the people she gets to be around. 

I missed loving and being loved. 

The grief isn’t as intense this weekend, but it’s present. The sinus part of this cold is doing this weird thing where it makes me cry, and I can’t always tell the emotions apart from the physical sensations… it’s odd. But the grief is primarily coming to me in these moments of just noticing change, or I suppose also in moments of missing good times. But the change is stuff like, ‘damn I have a really big apartment for just one person.. there is so much room now, where a separate life used to be.’ And ‘damn it feels lifeless, functional but not filled with warmth or connection’  or ‘damn I haven’t been to Costco since I was shopping for both of us, it’s a completely different experience shopping for me, it used to be we…”   And thinking about that aspect of having someone else to consider for years and then suddenly -no i don’t need to worry about or make sure of…  I still spent a goat load of money, but it was all on stuff for me.  If it had been both of us? At least 200 more. 

There is a really weird thing happening where I’m getting little thrills out of either saving money, or using up things and having to buy more. It’s like the weird games you play when you’re traveling alone and bored. 

I am saving money. Not sure what for… primarily it’s meant giving more to charity and the church so far.

But I mean, it’s like the little thrill of finishing all of your groceries or needing to buy new soap, finally check that off the list.

Its odd.

I thought I would have something more to say… I guess I’ve been thinking about aging and life and all these things. Feeling like I’m not gonna be a crabby old man who feels like a victim, but also, how will I not turn into that? 

When I look through photos of my life, I feel live been very successful. Like it’s been a really really good life and I am very grateful. And that means I guess that I have a lot to lose. 

I don’t know what the next chapter will be. The tarot video predictions didn’t come true yet, maybe I have to stop believing in magic and actually go make decisions for my own life.  

I told my therapist last week that my development is so staggered and uneven… in some ways I’m super advanced, in other ways I’m super behind my peer group. Maybe gotta stop using them as a comparison, but also of course hard not to. 

Maybe that’s what 41 will bring… a whole new variety of decisions and experiences. 

I’m gonna either read or watch another tarot video now. Then take some NyQuil. 

I hope you are feeling lovely. 

Hanged man

 

I’m at spyhouse, doing some research for the book mostly, thus far. The music is a bit loud and I’m. Considering leaving because I can’t hear any inner knowing… you know? I am tempted to read that don miguel Ruiz book I bought from five below, but then next chapter is “inner silence” and yah, ha ha. 

I’ve been scouring for myths, but the muse isn’t really with me today. I feel tired. It’s freezing out. I’ve been feeling behind and unproductive even though I’ve mostly done everything on my immediate list with the exception of cleaning the stairs and kitchen floor, and seeing illy. 

I went to church and the sermon was based on the book Aryn gave us a few weeks ago.  The music director started a short story about dreaming of alternative economies by saying “I remember everything about this story except the characters names…” and invited the audience to name them. It was playful and a nice hook. The music was great, the sermon was right on…  though I kept feeling really grateful for that murder, and how it seemed to create a line in the sand. In an odd way, giving hope that we could recreate things through this class realignment… billionaires are sick, we can either invite them back into community and relationship or cut them down, but allowing them to do this is poison. 

…

and I left hoping to do some writing. 

For some reason, what is on my mind is my lack of direction and knowing my priorities. Or rather knowing my priorities from what I seem to put energy into. 

Security, work, etc… 

At one point during our break up E said something along the lines of “I hope you figure out what you want” or “find what you’re looking for” or something  like that… and she didn’t mean it in a mean way or implying anything, just acknowledging that it seemed I was driven by something that wasn’t clear to me, and maybe it was to her - but she didn’t have answers for me, she knew I had to figure them out myself. 

I think it’s funny how apparently I have realized that I am not prioritizing family and children, even though I’ve always claimed I wanted that. I still wish for it, but wishing is resisting after all. 

I am not putting effort into love or romance at least right now… something else. 

So what are my priorities? Not travel, or starting a business, or my health… friends? Not really, work? Not really,  art and writing and blah? Somewhat, dreaming? I wish… and resist. 

Too much time on my phone. Lots of distraction.

I dunno. Will probably head home soon… and what will I do? Spend all the time on my phone? 

One week down

 It’s Saturday.  I feel like I didn’t accomplish anything today even though I did. I have the nagging feeling of incompleteness, of something missing, and it hints of grief some of the time and other times just makes me wonder what the hell I am doing with my life. 

This past week was weird, with Tuesday and Wednesday off and cat sitting, I felt like my rhythm was completely thrown off and I liked it some of the time (getting time to be creative and not stressed) and was kind of miserable some of the time (the cat being clingy or keeping me up all night).  Working on Thursday and Friday was fine when I was with clients, but I felt fairly unfulfilled and also completely unmotivated. 

Friday night I didn’t really do anything productive. The cat went back to my dad’s, and I was tired. 

Today I woke up to my mom asking me if I wanted to come over to do puzzles. Conveniently I had plans already. Its weird though, that is the kind of thing I want to do, but I have too many other things I need to do… and the idea of driving to Saint Paul with the temp below zero sounded kind of miserable.  Instead, I had breakfast at French meadow with Gabi for 4 hours - which has become our tradition every 3-4 months. And we talked and talked and it was fun, even though I know I made her a little insecure at one point, but by 2 pm when I left, I felt like I had missed an opportunity to write. When I got home it was miserable cold out and I was hungry and needed to do some  chores so I did all that, and I didn’t have any creative will power from eating heavy food, and it was cold so I laid about/ napped under the blankets for a few minutes/hours and then finally woke up to eat another heavy meal. 

I finally did some reading related to my book, finding myths and folktails for the Lucy sections… gonna do some more. But I kept feeling like I needed to move or change or clean or something. Felt like I have too much space and it needs to be made super tidy or it won’t feel right… something doesn’t feel right. 

Maybe I need to meditate or watch a tarot or reiki video to get into my flow state… maybe I need to pray or cry. 

Church tomorrow, maybe illy or my mom or dad. Then work again, then repeat. 

I really want to get back into writing, but it takes time and creative energy and I don’t know if I have that during my work week. Maybe I need to reduce my expectations of how much I can accomplish.

I miss companionship, the ease of it, the security of it, the routines, how quickly time goes by when you are ok…

Black sheep seems to have closed. There goes the Friday ritual. 

Saw that insta post again so I’ve had this in my head all day. https://youtu.be/IclRg7oLr28?feature=shared

Meh

https://youtu.be/jWHpIP1-kUI?feature=shared  

I was listening to this song in the shower this morning and began to cry. I think it’s the mix of the words, melody and that rhythm that feels like you have to keep marching forward even though things aren’t ok. I love it.

I reread old blogs last night, a year ago is when she projectile vomited all over the door. Later we figured out that was part of the condition, the imbalance in her ear. I think I really didn’t know how to process watching someone I love struggle so much, watching them lose their self to this illness. 

Which is funny because wasn’t that also what happened in the past with people? Haven’t I seen this before several times.  A year of trying to stay in control while you worry the foundations are crumbling beneath you. 

This year will be better? Maybe. 

I feel so sad sometimes. 

2025

I spent most of the day ignoring the day, the moment, the end of the year.  Other people are sending me texts of support, or wellwishing or whatever one does on the last day of a the year. 

We used to celebrate when I was young. 

After college, some of my friends would celebrate "old years eve on the 30th"  that was a funny tradition. 

I was never much of a partier, so the whole thing really hasn't been my speed for a while. They are having a party downstairs. Its oooonce oooonce ooooonce with a beat. 

I don't remember what we did last year, probably watched a movie and went to bed?  I should see if I have an entry. 

Yesterday I worked. I work again on thursday and Friday. It was ok, but my heart wasn't fully in it, because on Sunday Elsa and I had been chatting, and then on Monday she said she needed to put the boundaries back up and I knew she did... but it was hard to hear all the same. The reality that she was the biggest source of comfort and hope for me for over two years... or rather that our relationship was... and now we can't talk without  one of us having to set a boundary so we don't get heart broken more than necessary is like  "wow mature" and also really shitty. The same grief again and again. Its hardest in the first day or two, and within a few days it dissipates. But it doesn't necessarily mean it is replaced with something better.   I don't know what I want...

I really don't.  

I spent all of last week thinking I needed to figure out my future, and I never did. It was a gray sky and I was irritable... and I just didn't figure shit out. 

I promised myself I'd return to my book soon -had planned to all last week and never did. I started yesterday. Read half of 1A or whatever... then another half today, and started on 1B.  Added significantly to one of the Lucy chapters, then it got erased (45 minutes of writing), then I recreated it later in the evening, though probably not as inspired as the first time. 

I fell in love with the book again. I've been crying over the characters again. Awed at how the muse caught me in certain scenes. Very critical of how the narration keeps changing styles and point of views.  I will definitely need a good editor eventually. 

Reading it has made me want to keep going again. Maybe that's one conclusion I have come to at the very end of this year. That I want to start putting effort in more frequently.  

Looking at the last saved files, it has been years.  Leap frogged through the last decade.  It shows too. It shows that I started this project ten years ago, the technology, the politics, the state of the world (pandemics, wars, etc.)  have all changed since. How much do I want to incorporate? How much do I want to acknowledge, NO this is a different timeline... so that I don't have to worry about being "accurate" in my predictions. Better to let the timeline split earlier. The tech piece is probably the most difficult to salvage... do they have internet and smart phones and TikTok?  I have them passing jump drives, but that doesn't make sense with smart phones. Maybe they are finding ways to airdrop or transfer files through little cords. I need something more consistent.   But its funny... like TikTok wasn't a thing really ten years ago, and it is now... so the youth especially need to have that.  T swift is the same. So that works. Ha

So much work to do... but I enjoy it. I can write a scene and it can be crap, and I can edit it a thousand times later.  I can put out a book, and then not write the sequel for ten years... that could be a thing. 

I could make a website and say  10 more parts to come... and then never ever finish that, but pay for the upkeep on the website of course. 

I dunno. I am crying over imaginary characters I've created, and noticing how they each mirror people in my life (not entirely), but scenes I wish I'd experienced, and scenes I have experienced... and its all weird. Its so clear it is me and the things I project on the world. (though kind of dark as fuck). 

Anyway... I wrote down some new years words that i heard on the radio... words like "creative" and "play"  but my goals are still the same.  

I don't want to do a big retrospective of this year.  This year was hard... and there was plenty of good too... but it ends with recovery from a long relationship that was my biggest source of comfort and hope for the past two years.  And now I am trying to find comfort and hope in new things... and that's how the year ended. 

Old man yells at clouds

 Been waking up crabby. Gray sky. Have to be self determined. Focus. For instance, today I had meant to wake up at 7 and go to the dmv to get my license renewed, but now it’s 11:53 and I’ve been told it will be up to two hours.   

I couldn’t sleep last night. A combo of temperature, back pain, cat sitting (she was very active) and the door shifting back and forth (I assume it was just the air; but last night I was convinced it was a ghost for at least 20 minutes). 

I woke up, and then woke up again, and then kept waking up. 

Actually got up closer to 10 or 10:30.

Coffee and making sure the cat has its food and medicine. 

I was thinking all these dark things on the way here.  Like if I slip in the shower, how long till someone finds me? If I got into a car accident, how long till someone is notified?  It’s one of those times where my parents are out of town… mom and Steve and Grant are up north. My dad and his fam are flying to Florida today.   James and his fam are going to Puerto Rico soon.  When my dad was dropping off the cat, he said, just so you know there is an extra insurance policy talk to your uncle ted, but also it’s on my desk… and I couldn’t help but think about what would happen if accidents happened to my whole family in their various locations, and suddenly I’m alone. Like I said, dark thoughts. 

It’s raining in Minneapolis in late December. Been watching Instagram reels of radicals and wondering what is gonna change this world… and whether I will play any role in making change. I’m such a classic liberal clinging to my idea of being a middle class professional - you know?

All the people here (Ridgedale government center) look vaguely familiar. Copy cats of people I’ve known my whole life, the simulation is breaking down I guess. 

My back feels bruised still. I’m an old man and achy and crabby and dark. 

I’ve been wondering if I have too many options, too much freedom and that’s why I can’t make decisions. I can’t make decisions that are for me… that’s what it seems like. 

Daily goals: 

Spanish, exercise and either journaling, writing or art. Keep up with the household stuff, get one or two things done if not working. Eat relatively healthily. Maintain. Meditate? 

Longer term goals: 

-Meaningful work-business? teaching? Writing? Something that pays the bills and feels good. 

-Church on sundays, and maybe a class or group each week.

-Connection with friends and family weekly. 

-Do I want to own a house? Seems like I’m trying to keep up with joneses not necessarily excited about owning a house. Maybe a van down by the river? 

Bucket list:

What does starting a family look like now a days? Is it even an option?

What about world travel? Is that still a thing? (South East Asia, the Middle East, Spain and Portugal). Or more locally, DC, NYC, somewhere in the south? 

What about publishing a novel? Poems? 

Finishing that grandpa video? Sending it to your cousin…

I’m not sure what I’m delaying so much. I have the opportunity, but no motivation.  Maybe I’m afraid of letting people down or making mistakes and not knowing how to deal with it. Maybe I’m nervous about not having community and people around me in my work. But there are so many options, sign up with a different practice, do a co-op effort, get an office in a building with lots of other practitioners. Get a lawyer to help with insurance claims… 

I don’t think I’m worried about not making enough money… not really, I think I’m not even sure what to do with my time when it is self directed.  Its funny I go to work from 8-5 most days (that’s 9 hours), and I sit on my phone or on YouTube at work, instead of running errands or handing ing out with coworkers (doing that more lately), just sitting there for hours each day because “my work day” is 8-5. But what would I do with myself if my work day was 1-5? Or if I had a three hour window in the middle of my day? Or if I ended by 4 each day?  

I spend so much time just sitting on my phone or playing games or watching tv (not recently)… just wasting time because actually everything is fine or done and I don’t have the energy or creativity or motivation  to do more.  Go to bed by 8 or 9 pm because I’m bored. 

Maybe I’m scared of making my own structure because it’s hard enough already?

I dunno these all feel like big worries over nothing. All of this is super manageable and I’m just making excuses. People have real problems and I have too much time and too many opportunities. So silly. 

I might go get my hair cut today and pay money because o don’t have a mirror or someone to line up the back. Living alone is stupid. 

The day before the day before break

 To clarify I still have to work tomorrow. 7 clients too… 

I have work I should be doing today, but I am not very motivated. It’s like kids before winter break at school.

I am hoping to get some things in order for the future over the break, like maybe find an office and begin the process of leaving my job. Or decide I want to do something completely different. 

I want to engage in some practices like meditation, or maybe reiki. And do art, and read and write, and sit around a bunch… I’m worried I will do nothing and sink into depression. So I’m trying to give myself hints like - sign up for a class, have a checklist of things to do… etc. 

today I made this observation while waiting for my first client: “I spend a great deal of my time just forward of my body, predicting, anticipating, reaching, willing my body into the space I had just been, but I am already moving forward again. 

What would be different if I remained in my body, in my smile, in my stomach and chest, rather than floating through others experiences? 
Rather than tracking and predicting where they are headed, or judging because they don’t move into the space my mind designed for them?
What if I just was, in my body, as they were, in their body?”

If that looks funny it’s because it was typed somewhere else and the paste is weird…

I’m not sure I’ve spent much time thinking about that, as for many years I disliked my body and didn’t want anything to do with it. Now I’m more at peace with it, more aware of it as a vessel, sometimes even enjoy it.  

There is something about inhabiting your own face and being conscious of it… 

This weekend I might go gift shopping, or might stay in depending on how cold it is.  Maybe spent three days gaming. Maybe take a bunch of gummies and exit this plane of existence for a bit. 

I feel like I’m waiting on a sign or a pull, the tarot video I watched today said something to the extent of “the universe is waiting on you to choose a path, and you think you’re waiting on it. But once you choose it will conspire for you -and you’re having a hard time trusting it will be worth it. It’s ok if you miss out; but just so you know, it’s all waiting for you…“

To be the chooser… that’s my goal over this break. To make some decisions. 

But I’ve been tired this week. My attention is variable at best. I’d like to make the decision with out the eeny meeny miny moe     (Which is how I decide most things still you know…). 

Anyway… now I can add journaling to my list of things I did today. 

Will I do work now?  Will I read? Will I scour the internet for dopamine?