Yesterday we learned that the United States invaded and kidnapped the president of Venezuela, apparently without informing Congress, and without a plan in place for how to support or manage the aftermath. The cabinet and the president seem to disagree on the plans going forward, and the military certainly isn't able to jump in and structure the government for them... it seems like they are hoping the Vice President of the country will cave and restructure -meaning allow american oil companies back in... and that's about it. Now small threats have been renewed against Cuba, Mexico, Panama, Greenland.
I think more disturbing than US intervention* which happens all the time, is this dismantling of norms and aspirations. No longer do we even put the mask of democracy or freedom, or even free markets on the banner. The rumors are that the president decided to strike when he saw the president of venezuela dancing in a video. No one is allowed to be happy, feel safe or stable...
Anyway I wrestled with it a bunch yesterday and then last night I wrote up a big rant, and didn't post it. This morning I struggled to not wrestle again... I went to church and cried throughout. Cried for us, cried for them, cried for a world that should have been around the corner, but now will be another hundred years out.
I found myself so angry in church. So angry, rage... at this. Like, whats the point? And that was the question of the day... the church is wrestling with what are we doing? the country is wrestling with it... I am wrestling with it. Life can just keep going on, but are we doing anything about it?
This morning or last night, I was struggling with the fact that I am so angry, and cynical... but my cynicism doesn't help. I mean, what's the difference between this and my book? I wrote a story 10 years ago about how we would go to war with Iran, with Cuba, with Venezuela and Brazil. How China would attack us, and because we had idiots in charge, we'd fire back without thinking of the consequences... and we'd doom ourselves and half the world... all within a few years.
I am not saying that is what is happening, but the ridiculous mess of it... the lack of cohesive thought, planning, morality, integrity of any kind...
In my book we were attacked, so we struck back... but in this world, the president is snubbed or laughed at and breaks international law and all norms... and then brags about how we are gonna just "take over the country." What is that?
This isn't a well thought out essay, I've just been avoiding doing anything today because I am not sure how to face any of it yet. My mind is going to the worst case scenarios, and the violence and futility of it all... and then I alternate between that and distraction and sugar, because...
I am so angry at the people of my own country for being stupid... for choosing this, for not seeing that empowering immoral men, leads to immorality. Like, some things are just so obvious. But even more I am realizing that I am mad at them for not believing we deserve better and fighting for it.
The richest, most powerful country in the history of the world doesn't guarantee anything for its citizens, not stable housing, not healthcare, not education, not the right to vote, not the right to your own body, nothing... we will not choose to keep you safe, or ourselves safe, or give anything to ensure your future or our own. The greed and selfishness is soooo evil. And then you think about how this country came to be and its like... well yeah of course.
But its horrendous. But my cynicism doesn't help. My condemnation. Even my lament.
Where is the vision? Where is the imagination? Where is the hope?
The musician leading church lately played this version (I think). <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/La4vDsI3350?si=F9Kn22_Sdrvti8dV" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" referrerpolicy="strict-origin-when-cross-origin" allowfullscreen></iframe>
I built this beautiful lego flower set yesterday. It's lovely. There are amazing people doing amazing work out there. I don't know bad people... I know people who are struggling and make poor decisions. So why does it collectively amount to a shit show, instead of beloved community?
Where do we turn the corner, what do we shoot for, how do we resist, and create beauty and art, and safety, and healing, and learning?
It's hard for me not to go into the language of religion in these moments... it feels like evil is winning. REPENT all ye sinners! I mean... that's what it feels like.
I want to be in a place where I can write a poem or a story or a lecture that says "hey, you deserve better... we deserve better." But I feel so sad and angry right now, that I am barely typing what I am.
At church they read this poem or essay about how queer people can't expect hope, or even to survive, but must live into the reality that we exist, that we are here, that we will always be here, and so our lives and our love are worth fighting for anyway. Sure you'll be tortured and burned at the stake, but what other choice is there? And it was soooooo depressing. And also true. What other choice do we have, we are not different than the generations that lived under empire before us. We were never different, we were just deluded. Maybe now we can name what is, and build from the rubble when we burn it all down.
In my book, the people need a rallying point, a savior type or a villain to motivate them to take control, or make something of themselves.
I dunno.
I watched a tarot video today that said I would meet someone soon, who was either haunted by or had the same muse that motivated them. Said I would hate the people around them. Said people would question why I was with them, but that it would make sense on a soul level, like it was destined. The last few days I have been feeling so very lonely, and also so very averse to seeing people. Like thanks for being you, now leave me alone unless you can rescue me or save me from my misery.
My birthday is coming up and my parents are asking when we can celebrate! and I am like... ughh. Can't we just skip ahead? Its hard to live into the day, or the moment, or the dance, or the song, or the celebration... I am feeling very weighed down by the heaviness of it all.
And I know that is a choice... I could easily ignore it, distract from it, chase tail, use drugs, run away, become reactive and righteous... be gluttonous *even more so than I am, or carve pieces of me away... but I am trying to sit with it... at least a bit and I am exhausted.
Tomorrow I only have two clients. I think this week should be fairly easy...
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