14

 The significance of any of the title is how many digital dots in the time at this moment. 

I’m getting over Covid. It’s my first official time having it. It wasn’t pleasant but it was more funny than hard, so far at least. Today was the first day I felt mostly better. Yesterday I learned that you aren’t supposed to take thraflu and DayQuil in the same day.  

E is sick now. For the second time in two weeks she is out of commission. Last week it was a stomach flu. 

Today I felt a lot better, got a lot of the house chores done, but still feel behind, especially with work and long term tasks. E is wondering why I can’t sit still and why the moment I feel better I want to get back to work. I feel like I’m two weeks behind major things, even if most of them are very minor… I feel like I can’t waste a day, and she is wondering why a day not working is wasted? And I wonder if she is right, though I also am frustrated that we are falling behind by the day week month… and it’s not because I’m not working hard. 

They told me they’ll give me 10k for my car even though it is destroyed. Which is pretty good considering. Will still take a week to work through the paperwork, probably longer to get a check… but at least that is a concrete thing.   

New car? New payment plan? I dunno yet.  I think about how many older folks are losing their ability to drive and wondering if I can have their car… 

The first few days of Covid I laughed, I laughed at how ridiculous it felt, sudden aches and temp changes, a cough but one that came on so rapidly I could barely turn my head let alone raise a dulled arm to quash it. I laughed at how things seemed so difficult all of a sudden. How there was a barrier to my brain. I enjoyed the first few days… it was the weekend and I had no responsibilities. Then came the week and suddenly I was responsible not only for my own clients, the paperwork and what not, but also of my supervisees. 

I’ve already decided I don’t want to continue being a supervisor. I don’t actually like it. It means less control yet more oversight, guiding without enough teaching… I don’t like the set up of it, at least the way it is for me this year. If I had the time, maybe I’d develop a curriculum but I don’t have the time, and I definitely don’t have the energy, and I’m not likely to know where a student comes in or what they need until it’s already halfway through the year. If I were to do it, I’d want to do it full time. And that is not what I had in mind at this time. 

In my third day of Covid, which was really my fourth-  but the first day was masked by DayQuil, I found myself sad, frustrated, crabby. E was starting to get sick by this time and had to take time off work again.  I hadn’t been sleeping well, except in an upright position on the couch. I was bored of doing nothing, but couldn’t muster the strength or thought to do anything productive. I was scraping by, and knew it. And I was against anyone or anything that would further pull from my scarcity or energy. I felt acted upon, rather than the actor. Where was the laughter of yesterday? Why am I feeling so heavy with burden? 

Though last night the fog cleared somewhat and remained more open today. Not enough to work, not enough to go back to work… I’m not even sure about Thursday at this point. I need to catch up with last week when I was clearly getting sick but didn’t realize it. And also I suppose taking care of E while she was sick. 

I keep thinking I’ll have more time to catch up this weekend, but potentially celebrating my 40th… or not, maybe a drizzle fizzle sputter out - don’t want anyone getting sick. 

The thing that launched out at me this morning was that I feel I must act with integrity. Don’t cancel on others or leave them hanging when you are still capable. You know?  There is a job to do and people to attend to, and it is good meaningful work, even if it is fake. Many of my clients have been with me for over a year at this point, which is crazy. Some I’m sure will stay as long as they can afford it. Maybe they are getting someone who believes in them. Or maybe just like to be listened to.. or maybe some get help with their problems. Some don’t, but they come back anyway… and I don’t know why. 

I think about that a lot lately.  The limits of therapy. I know I could be doing more breath work, more somatic work, more coping skills and psycho education … but it lands with some and not others. It’s like telling someone to journal… they will or they won’t.  I know that most would benefit from a change in diet, or more exercise, a larger support network, an empowering hobby… and I would benefit from all the same… but do we follow through? Not until we are ready. There isn’t a key to turn or a button to push or a magic wand… 

With my supervisees sometimes I sense that they are looking for that *key fix… I still look for it too. But I remind them of the things wiser and more patient people than I told me earlier on. Don’t follow the sense of urgency.    I still get caught in it.  

In the pre Covid state and throughout, we watched a lot of port protection Alaska show on Disney… we nicknamed it “not today buddy” because in almost every episode you watch those folks who are basically subsistence on the verge of the wilderness survivalist folks try to get food, or wood, or some other essential and then suddenly there is a storm, or no animals around, or something breaks. And eventually, despite their years of skills and experience they tell the camera person, I guess it ain’t happening today. But despite their disappointment, they maintain this positive vibe (at least for the show-behind the scenes who knows). 

E asks me how will I be present for kids, or life if I am always dedicated to work… it’s a good question. We both are frustrated by how often we are watching tv and scrolling on phones and not connected or present. Both have talked about how do we make more time for loved ones, while simultaneously frustrated with ourselves that we are not holding healthy boundaries, or not engaging in the way we would like to in our positive relationships.  

I often think about how many nights I would spend watching YouTube a few years ago… or movies when I was a teen, or all the lonely disconnected times I’ve already experienced and this feels better than that on any night… but it is the tv watching American life.

Made a little different because we don’t have kids yet. 

But not that different from anywhere and everywhere else. How do humans spend their time when they are bored?

I don’t drink or smoke, or take drugs very often… and this is another factor. 

I think about all the places I’ve been around the world and here, and I don’t necessarily see us doing anything different. But is it unfulfilling? Sometimes

She wonders about getting away to the country, I think it’s a nice dream, this simple life, back to nature, less technology idea, but I am not sure it would actually change anything unless you were super intentional. And super intentional is not easy, it takes a lot of energy and creativity and motivation and drive - to keep it feeling meaningful and not just a self imposed rule or restriction. 

My curiosity at this point in my life isn’t driven toward learning how to farm or create and maintain buildings. I have a vast love of learning, but I don’t find it meaningful right now… I find my work meaningful right now.