Aging

 I turned 40 today. My family celebrated yesterday, and it was ok. I opened presents while the majority of the attention was on the niece and nephews. It was good. We ate icecream cake and take out Benihana. It was good. 

This morning E ordered me back into bed so she could bring me breakfast. A tradition in her family. We talked about how it’s actually a lot of pressure and kind of odd, and she said it’s even worse when there are more people around and you’re the only one eating… but she likes the tradition.  She’s been giving me small presents all week. I put together  1000 piece puzzle she gave me over the last few days of Covid. Took forever, but it was good. The majority of the presents aren’t meaningful, but fun or functional, or candy. I appreciate the gift cards in the day to day. I added 300 hundred to our envelopes for travel and “health” which basically just means “beauty” treatments. 

I made this joke about turning 40 and thus being in the decline, a few minutes later I had the suspicion it was true. A weird heavy lingering. Many times I’ve thought I was dying, or became afraid of dying, or was sad because I knew it was an inevitability of us all… but this felt slightly different. More just an acknowledgement that life likely won’t get easier or better in the ways I’d always imagined… not just a slope upwards, a reaching, though of course there plenty of amazing possibilities to come… but likely along side all of them will be some measure of heartache or loss, or heaviness… and maybe it’s always been that way and I was privileged to not know… or maybe I’ve always held both and just chose to see the good (while simultaneously dealing with the difficulties).  - I think about when I first was rejected from teacher training by Morris, and initially I was just devastated, but within a few days I was planning on attending UMNs master program, and then Morris invited me back. And when I went back I tried extra hard because I knew it was something that mattered to me. And graduated, if you can call it that, in the top of the class. 

But there are a million things I am always scared of and preparing for, and weighing out, so I can’t very well say I haven’t experienced the negatives before… maybe just that the majority haven’t panned out… whereas in the next 40 (if I am blessed to live that long) I will surely start facing those consequences for real? 

I am staring to have a bald patch in the back do my head… it doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. I almost see it as a badge of my age.  James has a white beard for the most part… when did my uncles hair turn? When did they lose it?   I suppose my cousin lost his hair in his twenties so losing it at 40 seems like a long thing.   I asked James if he has advice, he basically said, you’re gonna wanna play with your kids on the floor, and it will hurt. Use a pillow, but also get into shape now cuz it’s harder later.  Great advice. 

I found myself over the last week or so wrestling with wanting to return to work. I really enjoy my job and it gives me a sense of purpose and a drive to do it well.  It was painful to sit around and be unproductive and not giving… E called me out a lot on my inability to just sit with myself or rest or take care of me… I feel like I do that frequently. But she is also right that I am over board on work.  I have no balance.  I have no puzzle to just sit and stare at for 7 hours, instead I am always twisted with the 500 things on my list.  It will never get done.  But I did get the puzzle done.

I feel bad for not wanting to connect with people… but I am mostly content in my life. I feel good about stuff… and just a touch “behind.”