Stretching

I'm trying to make this sound well thought out, but it isn't.

I have a yearning to share my learning, my growing, and some part of me feels compelled to share it with M, and some part of me hopes it leads to something with her.

It's kind of like when you are excited by a new thing, and want to share it.
But I chose someone who doesn't want to be that person for me.
So now every time I feel good about something, I turn, and then feel bad about stuff.

I was doing some healing work, and I realized, that this is still an area I need to address. The turning (yearning), is different than the disappointment and heart break. They may seem to happen simultaneously but they are two different experiences. I have to figure out how to address the desire to be seen by the person who has rejected me. To be understood. To have things tied up neatly.

Or learn acceptance. Learn that it won't happen and be ok with it, move forward regardless.

In the past this has taken years, and that was with people I could still occasionally talk to for reassurance. This one is different. All my attempts to make things work, led to being pushed away harder. All my attempts to understand her, haven't helped me let go. 

But I think some of the healing work I am doing for me, is making it easier. It's just hard to be alone. 

---------

Hours later I walked around and started to cry. Just feeling sorry for myself. Feeling alone in a world full of people. Feeling like the things I was trying to build weren't going anywhere. What do I want?
I want a partner and a family. I want love. I want to build something worthwhile. 

A couple days ago, my 7th graders from Guatemala graduated high school. Life continues. 
I need to move forward.


-______

Hours later. After a week of wanting to check M on facebook I just did.
It was a little hard, so many pictures of life continuing, so many people checking in on her. Pictures of her smiling. References to her boy friend's children. I continued to breathe, and suddenly it wasn't painful. It was almost nice. It was nice to see her happy. It was nice to see her involved in something. I think I know I have mixed feelings, but it was almost relieving... I wish her well.  (Maybe it was just a dopamine soothing -I got my fix). 

I will probably have more heartbreak (like the moment I try to go to sleep). But it was a nice reminder that life continues. I wanted her life to continue. I wanted her to move forward.

But what about me? (Thats what I was crying about -after all). It feels a little "always a bridesmaid." 

Am I ready for this hypothetical next relationship? Am I ready to work through things? Do I trust that I am capable? Do I even want to put in the effort... Am I willing to open my heart again?  I guess it doesn't have to be answered tonight. 

I've been struggling with my own life not feeling on track. I am feeling a lack of confidence in all the things I do. 

My job is fine, and I could move up in the company... but do I want that? Im struggling just to get some of the necessary paperwork done. I wanted to do this job to have more of a team, and I spend all day in my apartment, mostly only checkin in with my coworkers via text. 
Quarantine has made everything harder. No church. No groups. No assurance that we can look forward to anything. 

I feel alone in all things. And my self care and spirituality helps sometimes... but it is so hard to stay consistent, hard to stay focused when I am not sure what to try to build. 

I chatted with my mom and grant the other day and it was the best conversation I've had (other than illy) in months.  Intellectual, at my level.

I'm eating edibles to escape. I mean... really?

I want to have a home that people can come to. But that isn't possible right now.
I want to have a partner. A family. 
I want to be able to travel again.
I want a better world to raise kids in.
I want to keep growing as a person, to understand more fully, to be present, to be accountable, to have people challenge me to grow and and reciprocity in giving and receiving. 

I don't really feel capable of doing any of this alone. 
I'm sick of doing it alone. 
I can't imagine these people who are single for 60 years.
Some nights I wonder if there is even a point. 
I'm not actually suicidal. But I am really struggling with my foundations.
I thought I was building solid foundations. And they keep crumbling all around me. 
There goes my attachments, and rather than breathing out and letting them dissolve, I am grieving grieving grieving even months or years later. 

Am I gonna be hung up on M till I am 40?  Am I gonna finish my novel? Am I gonna start a business? Am I gonna switch professions again?  Will I go back to school or teach?  Will I get to see SE and E Asia? Australia? Portugal? and all the other places I started thinking about.

My life is soooo tricky. It's hard to have food restrictions, and weird hang ups, and fetishes. It's like asking the people you invite into your life, "hey, do you mind being amazingly open to the fact that I am awfully shut down?"   

___________

I am reading about enneagrams. I can't decide which one I am, or rather I keep thinking I am 4 of the 9. Even the first time I read about them, I felt drawn to at least 2. Right  now I am pretty sure that I am a two, a five, a six, and a nine. The author talks about how each type wrestles with certain fears, and tries to solve problems in certain ways. If that is the case, then I am all 4 of them and sometimes a few others. I think this is why its so easy to read other people, though at the same time I have a hard time "typing" others. Or maybe I just don't trust my instincts and intuition. I am aware of how much I hide from people, so I imagine they must be too. 
Although lately, every new person who meets me says I am wonderful... 


I wish I felt wonderful.
I spent a lot of time crying today over feeling rejected. I hate rejecting people and I hate being rejected. It feels like all the fears of my 4 enneagram types are true.
You are not lovable, not good enough, not capable, can't be whole, will always be separate, always alone...
It's not true. I am lovable. I am good. I am capable. I am complex, multifaceted and working towards integrating in an authentic way, I am surrounded by loving folks, and my future is hopeful.
Now I just wish I could hold onto that.