Same old

I was sitting at the lake today, the sky was clear and sunny, but the wind made it really pleasant. There were lots of people out. I sat on a bench alone and read about loneliness.

I've been thinking a lot about that lately, because I am flooded with it routinely. These last few days I've been trying to figure out what to do with my life. I've been trying to sit with feelings. I've been reading and listening to podcasts and speeches. I've been trying to sit with ideas. I've been writing. I've been trying to sit with reality.

What has come up is a lot of thoughts, feelings, memories and a lot of the feeling of being left out.

One of the podcasts I listened to talked about how white folks need to develop a culture to deal with their white body trauma. I think most of us white folks realized a long time ago that our white american culture is really unsatisfying, and mostly pushes for individualism whether we mean to or not and reinforces capitalism which separates us further. Many of us actually mock traditions of white culture that do lead to community, things like line dancing are seen as backwards, when really they are essential. I am not part of a community, the culture I practice is sooooo individualistic and centered on myself, that I have a hard time inviting anyone into my life, or asking them to be part of things. I deeply desire someone to be interested enough. But I don't create many opportunities. I am not part of enough things to even create the opening.

I've been trying to reconcile the reality of having very little community in my life, with the responsibility that I must accept that I routinely choose to pull away from people, choose situations in which I can withdraw from community easily. I am often overwhelmed, exhausted, nervous. Even the positive things send me running.

The times I have had community -growing up, college, a few times while traveling for a short period of time, LNAS, a few times with my roommates... and in each case I still didn't always feel like I belonged. I felt like I was lucky to be invited to the table. And now?
In many ways, whenever I am not working, I feel almost as isolated as when I am traveling. I know this is due to quarantine, but also just life stage. I reach out to folks and text, but I have very little real interaction. I haven't been touched in something like 9 months except for when I have paid a massage therapist. I haven't been in cultural spaces with other than church, and I don't really know anyone there. I have played games online. I have contributed to work and done a few social engagements with my coworkers, or Illy's coworkers. I have been to a few protests. I have been to family things once in a while.

When was the last time I felt part of something? M. No wonder she comes to mind so readily whenever I am lonely. And the memories aren't all bad. I think part of what was so devastating was the abruptness of her pulling away, she wouldn't admit anything was wrong, and then suddenly she was gone. I went from having a partner that I was building my life with, to nothing in just a few short and silent weeks.  For her, it was obviously longer, but she didn't admit to that, she denied it often despite her behavior, and then after it went from, "I need to figure stuff out" to "You didn't do enough." and then more silence.

I get positive feedback whereever I go, wherever I work, with most of the people I engage with...
But I don't feel a lot of connection or intimacy with folks.

The lion puts his paw on me, and then rests. What does that mean?

I had a dream last night that I was sleeping in a bed with two women friends, snuggling, nothing sexual, but it was very intimate. Very trusting. I had trouble sleeping near them, but it wasn't because I was perving, though I am sure there were some thoughts, it was just because I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have people who I cared about so much sleeping next to me.

Thats been part of the really difficult things to remember given the trauma of our breakup, I loved her, I felt grateful just to have her next to me. And now that is gone, and it makes me question why I don't have anyone in my life who invests in me, trusts me, wants me near.

I didn't see anyone this weekend. Days go by, and I don't see anyone who I love. It feels unnatural to be this isolated. I know everyone who loves me assumes I am fine, and I am... but its so easy to feel entirely invisible when you are not in connection, not close, not connecting in any real way with folks. It's so weird.

On the way home from the lake, I felt more connected, more positive, I walked by Dessa and smirked a smile like I normally do. I never say anything to her. I don't feel like I should impose upon people. I don't invite them into my life. Not sure if that's because I am afraid of not being good enough (my needs) or if I assume I can't be enough for them (their need).
Either way, fear mindset. Not abundance and love.

Its weird to have revelations where you recognize everything is one, everything is amazing, the world is beautiful and lovely, and then still have no one to share it.

Teal  says I need to stop worrying about work and being good, and spend all my time trying to create relationships and community. Resmaa says I need to work on somatics, on the body, on the culture that creates community.  I should probably put more effort into activities, experiences, and less on learning from books and watching youtube.

Whatever... maybe it's time to take a nap.