Lake walk, time, truth

I was walking around the lake today struggling to keep from thinking about my ex, or more specifically what I would say to her if I saw her and she was with someone. It wasn't arguing. It wasn't preparing for a battle. It was about how to say something meaningful without saying anything meaningful. How to say, I wish you well (because I love you), you hurt me and I have put in the work to heal and always will, and I wish you would too... without saying any of that.

The wind was strong this morning. It whipped across the lake and chilled my hands. But the blue sky was soooo blue. And it made the water look beautiful. The shadows of birds, and trees, and clouds, and the rippling waves, all decorating the water with a gradation of blue.

I hadn't had enough coffee. So it was hard to keep my mind from the drama. There was also just something real about the loneliness this morning. That reality of seeing fathers with strollers, and fathers with little ones running beside them. Of young couples holding hands on a Sunday morning walk. Of older folks practiced in their decades together.  The longing was just so profound that I couldn't keep from wanting it. I am so envious all the time.

The trees are just budding. They look brighter than the gray skeletons of winter, but they are not yet ripe. The foliage is not blossoming. So the trunks are elephant skin, and the branches are stretching from a nap, and the little fingers are yellow and golden brown against the blue sky.

I want the right fit. No more of this karmic torturous bullshit. No more of this drama. I want someone who nourishes me, not because I am choosing to learn a lesson, but because they are active in engaging me. These last ten years or so... I have grown so much, but very few have stuck with me to really invest in me. And I suppose I pushed many away. And ran away too. So full disclosure: this reality is my creation.

I saw a loon reveal its long beak, and then dip beneath the water. Vanished. I continued my steps, subconsciously counting without numbers, and side glanced to see when it would return. 5 steps, 10, 20, 100, I spotted a different loon a far way off, and countered the magical thought, counted another 15 steps and saw our guy return. No flourish, no spectacle. Silhouette on the water.

Little memories would come back to me as I walked. Some lovely. Some painful. Some years ago. Some recent. Time is so strange. Even when we dwell, we are so present centric, totally forgetting how quickly things change. I was a teacher once. I was a barista. I was a student. I have traveled the world. I have slept in strange spaces. I have been a total asshole. I have been a nurturer. I have guided, and I have followed. The wholeness of life is so easy to forget. And even easier to forget are the possibilities, all of this has been foretold, but none of it imagined just like this. If you told me a dozen years from now I'd be anything at all, I'd not be able to fathom it despite the brilliance of my imagination, the depths of experience are un-summonable.

A red streaked wood duck brilliantly colored, gliding next to his partner. I stopped in awe. I am not sure I have ever seen one in person. Someone walked by and commented as if it was a passable moment. Paint streaks, white, red, blue, black, green, purple, this was artwork floating along. And not a moment later, the masterpiece had lost its brilliance though the colors remained, I'd moved on.

When I was first falling in love with my ex, I had panic attacks. I knew that my attachment to her was dangerous, it felt poisonous, it felt like a drug. I wanted to be around her all the time, and I was always insecure.  Red flags galore, and I wrote that it felt like Judas knowing that what he was doing was not only the betrayal of his friend, his g-d, his values, but also knowing it was the betrayal of himself. That he was being asked to drink the poison, and felt compelled regardless of his choice.
And I chose it. There were weeks, even months when things felt good, felt headed in the "right" direction. I was able to swallow my fears and insecurities and just exist in awe. And then, there were moments of little heartbreaks, ripping seams, unnameable bewilderment.

I was walking the lake in the other direction than my normal route and as I walked this different perspective, I was thinking about how one way to look at our journey is to consider that the universe(or G-d) is experiencing itself through us. My heart break, my longing, my loneliness, my angst, these are necessary to experience, not because I will learn, not because they lead to anything, but because they can be experienced. So they must be.

It is human to believe that there should be some reward for our suffering, but it is also human to experience death and pain. I think about my pettiness, my longing, and consider how there are people starving to death, dying alone, dying in war, being tortured. This existence is really quite something. Impossible to take it all in.

My heart swells and aches as I walk around the lake. I often focus on the music I am listening to, and smile at passerbys dreamily. Today I did so, while crying. I was thinking of all the suffering I take in from the people I meet, and wonder why I connect so easily to their longing, and not their triumphs.
How when people do well, I want to say "good for you" and be genuine, but more often than not I want to warn them about the impending fall.

When I got home, I was listening to Aby Wolf's "Alone" a song I used to send to others and probably bonded with my ex over, because it is sooooooo human. So deep. And I was thinking, this is not how I want to connect with people, because people hear it and think about the surface of their fear. I want to connect through our humanity, through our universality, want to laugh at our fear, want to giggle about our shame, want our mistakes to be frosting on a much larger cake.

I often think of all the shameful moments in my life, and I want someone who responds to me the way I respond at work to these kids when they share their mistakes. I want someone who looks at me without judgment and says, "Oh yeah? tell me more..." and treats it like I am telling a story about getting delicious ice cream. Why do you think you did that Mike?  What keeps you from doing it again? And when you do, what do you need?  Hey human, you're amazing, how can I support you in being more amazing?

But we are so human. Relationships are so tough. They are not 100/100, they are not even 50/50, they are a tumultuous mix of negotiating and forgiveness, asking, be asked, demanded of, demanding, reaching out and repairing. Of holding each other accountable, but not just out of selfishness. How do we ask each other to put our own suffering on hold, so that another person can be themselves? How do we explore our jealousies without arousing more insecurity? How can I assure you I will never stray, and that I love that other person today.

I've been thinking a lot about how I want to apologize to the people I've hurt, and have those people know that I've spent decades trying to find the words to say that I've been hurting for them, even though I can't take from them the pain I caused in a moment of selfishness or self protection. I want to be able to stay present afterwards, but I can't imagine not running away. Knowing that they won't be able to hear me without deflecting. Knowing they won't be able to understand me completely.

I want to express myself openly, 100% and have everyone know that a minute later I might say the complete opposite and it would also be me 100% because I am growing and changing, and I want them to love that. Love me, love that I am broken and mended, molding myself anew in each moment. And they are too. And I love that, though it hurts me too. Know that I am a wave across the lake, reflecting the blue in a dozen shades, and I see you in them too. And you are the sun, giving life to these naked trees, and I am a budding smile as well. And we are loons, a distance apart, delving into our own depths only to resurface again. And we are brilliant. Afraid. Lonely and connected. And we are overwhelming. Despairing. And beautiful. Crying and smiling. Karmic and godly. Universal. We are, have been, will be. And this is the only truth.