Ya

I had therapy this morning.
It was clear my therapist was in a similar spot to myself.
I wouldn't say we did any deep therapeutic work, just talked around the edges of what life looks like right now. Kind of disappointing and yet I made the next appointment even sooner rather than wait another three weeks.

My mom invited me to dinner. I didn't want to go. I knew it would be good for me, but just didn't want to deal.

I went grocery shopping and had memories.

I saw a former student, we passed without acknowledging or maybe he didn't see me.

I have work to do. and laundry to do. But part of me wants to go outside for another walk.

It was supposed to rain this  afternoon so I went for a walk this morning.


I took a nap and had a dream. In the dream I way in bed with a love, and it felt right and wrong at the same time. I kept kissing parts of her clothed body. We were in an unfamiliar house. At some point the tension built, and she asked me or I asked her what next?  And she said she didn't need any help right now, and I said I was never interested in being helpful, I was there for love. And she made a face like that wasn't going to happen. And I said, yup, that's why I am leaving. And then I left.

I woke up, and missed being in love. Even when the other person didn't love me back, I miss it.
But the dream was also true. I can be helpful.  But that's not what I wanted.