Its 11 PM and I am starting to lose steam, but this is a post about an element of that so why not get it started yall.
I was anxious for the parent dinner tonight so I walked around the lake to get calm... and it did calm me, and kind of exhausted me... but while I was walking I kept thinking about my class last night.
I am taking two spanish classes. One started last night, another next week. They are each about 8 weeks long, but the deal is that they are at different levels. Last nights' class was the harder of the two, but I don't know that Monday's class will be my level either.
I guess I didn't want to take the spanish basics class because I was worried it would be all "me llamo Mike, uno dos tres" stuff I already know... So I assume level 2 is where I should be, but level 2 doesn't promise conversational practice... which is what I really want to learn. So I take the level 2 on Monday and the level 3 on Wednesday. But the problem is that as far as speaking, I probably am a level 1 beginner. I never got higher than level 1 or 2 in high school or college. I have traveled in Spanish speaking countries, but spoke English there. I have used a lot of Rosetta Stone in the past, but I just started over a few weeks ago... so I don't remember a lot of my words yet. I know I have known them... but I don't know them right now... and that is the trick with conversation. You can't look stuff up, or get context clues if you are already lost... and last night I was lost. I'm in over my head, some of the other speakers were at one point clearly fluent. They don't have the same hang ups as I do with language it seems... and that is the rub. It doesn't come easy to me. It never has. I can get by just fine traveling, I feel like a fucking champ... but speaking the language makes me feel like a 2 year old... and that is embarrassing. I was so embarrassed. I felt ashamed of my inability, even though the reality is that I knew I was entering a level higher than I should be. But I guess its been a long time since I was in a class that I sucked at. I guess its been even longer since I was the worst person in class. and I am not used to feeling stupid. I rarely feel truly stupid, but learning languages (and music) make me feel that way... and the problem is I respect them SOOOOO MUCH that it pains me to be bad... I am ashamed, I want to hide, I want to run away.
So I'm feeling that in class last night for 1.5 hours, and then all day today I am wound up and anxious and I realize my ego has been horribly shaken. I just don't feel as confident about who I am and what I am capable of -because I can't express it. I am so used to being able to express myself at will, that I am deeply humbled, brought down, by this 1.5 hours of not being able to. And I spend my hour on the lake reciting Hindu Mantras to calm myself, and trying to find the ways to recognize that being the worst in class is OK. It's ok because it provides others the opportunity to teach me (which helps them). It's ok because it provides others the confidence because at least they aren't as bad as me. It's ok because inevitably someone has to be the worst. It's ok because no one actually cares. It's ok because my real issue is the ego, not the words... I can do fine getting by in other countries, I find ways to express myself and help others to express themselves... I will have to slow down in conversations and THINK and that is a good challenge for my brain. I will have to work harder and concentrate on learning and that is good for me as a person. I will have to get over my fear of being a fuck up, stupid head and that is good for my soul. I will have to immerse myself in another language for 1.5 hours a week (plus the other class) and that will be good for my comprehension. I paid less than 100 for all of this, and that is a brilliant fucking deal... but still I am rocked.
My boss/coworker is struggling... we all are... with school. It needs to end, and yet the value and function is still so needed. How can we close down the school when the school is so important? and yet it will kill us. Its a death trap... and I am a little worried it will kill us. Because its so hard to recognize what is and isn't our battle to fight, when the battle needs to be fought and there isn't anyone else stepping up.
My coworker has her own issues, and she was really open about how vulnerable some of these situations make her feel and I realized that that is what happened in spanish class to me.
Caring and knowing you can't keep up, and feeling like at any moment you will be exposed and blamed and humiliated... but even if that happens its like were still us...
Past the shame and the humiliation and the fear and the pride being shattered... I'm still me.
and they are just feelings... not reality.
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