Trust

 I kept having dreams all night about setting and maintaining boundaries. It was really odd. Nothing as dramatic as that one, but it felt like every single interaction was about setting boundaries and feeling like my trust in someone was in question.  

Made me wonder what today would bring.

So far nothing, except a lot of feelings at the doctors office. See most recent post. 

I dunno I am avoiding paperwork, but today feels pretty good. 

Went for a walk, got one more appointment. 

Been crying in my office about all the people who try so hard even if they relapse. Makes me think of too many loved ones who have or are struggling.

A friend and I have been talking about asphyxiation cognitive dissonance, and the politics of death… 

She wants to move to France. 

I feel it. 

To K

I didn’t want to leave this on your Facebook page.  I was at the doctor today getting blood work done, remembering your fear of needles, as my palms began sweating. Scared about results, scared and mad at myself that I haven’t been taking good enough care of myself. Still some anger at you for the same. I worried, if I’m honest, that I would die like you did. That my neglect would mean the routine becomes dangerous. 

 An hour later, I was thinking of all the moments in which you did your best, how many minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years in which you did your best, despite the difficulties and the fear. Chose to love life, to be grateful, to connect, to be creative and giving… those moments matter. I spend so much time dwelling on all the worst things. I forget to thank you and celebrate the best. 

4 am

 It’s been difficult to go back to sleep. It’s 4 am, I’m thinking about the future. I heard today that my apartment basically adds a 3% increase each year. Which means I should be looking for a new home by summer. I moved in August, and I think I have to give them a little notice… I dunno. I don’t really want to move, but I also feel like I’m paying too much both here and for my office. The difficulty with moving the office is that I have all these insurance companies and government entities all with that address. So it would be a lot to switch so soon. My lease for that place is a year and a half I think. I can’t recall. 

I was thinking about how many clients I have where I haven’t been paid by insurance in a while. Maybe I’m doing something wrong. I feel like I’ve tried to streamline everything and therefore when stuff slips through the cracks I don’t even notice. I’m sure there are clients I’m seeing weekly that I don’t get paid for. Not sure who to call or what to do about it. Maybe it would be worth while to pay someone else to handle it. 

I have taxes coming up. I have not made an appointment with the guy. I don’t have any desire to pay taxes to this government. 

I feel like I’m in a bratty mood, where I’m trying to get away with stuff because I feel justified, but that doesn’t mean it’s technically by the books. Calculated risks that could blow up in my face. I’m just sick of being beholden to systems that don’t make sense. Insurance doesn’t make sense. Our government doesn’t make sense. 

But I hate the idea of leaving my clients high and dry were I to mess up. 

I keep thinking about the fact that if I died, they wouldn’t know. I need a system for that. 

I’m going to the doctor tomorrow. I scheduled it as a physical, and I’m worried I wont get assessed properly. I mean, I want to know if I’m on my way to being diabetic, if my heart and lungs are ok, what to do about the swelling in my feet, the 20 years of acid reflux. 

But I scheduled with a doctor who had availability, not someone I’ve seen before and who knows…

Money, taxes, health, responsibilities, frustration with the state of the world… and weird ass dreams that make me distrusting… great. 

I have therapy on Thursday. 

I guess I’m just complaining because even though my life is fine, some days it feels like I hit a new plateau only to feel like what’s the point?

A friend asked me to go out and meet people tonight. I had zero desire. Another friend asked me yesterday if I get lonely and hopeless sometimes, yup. 

It’s 4:13… I want to trust that things will be ok… but the news is soooo depressing. It makes me want to run away to the woods or something. Where is the safe place to get away?  Maybe Argentina. 

I know I have skills that translate, but maintaining the credentials and certifications and insurance and all that… the professional standards. Seems stupidly exhausting. 

Maybe I should be a life coach. Or just join one of these programs that shuttles clients your way. Or go back to a job instead of having my own thing. Someone else to manage the money side. 

Bizarre nightmare

 I just had this weird nightmare. 

In it, my wife or girlfriend was having sex with another man, it was actually supposed to be like a foursome thing, and I felt excluded when she switched up the expectations without communicating. I spent most of the dream wandering around our hotel, looking to see if she had even done a background check on the guys (I guess they were escorts?, whether they were clean, etc. I found evidence that they were kind of shady, and on top of feeling excluded, I felt betrayed, jealous, angry. 

At some point I may have left to get food or something, as my wife or girlfriend dead completely oblivious to my presence. 

At some point I asked them to leave, maybe by gunpoint. 

When my wife woke up, she asked where they were and I began to explain that I had felt really uncomfortable, left out, lied to etc… she became defensive and started to name that it was my fault, and that this was something she needed and I should be supporting her. I was getting furious. And eventually it became clear that we would break up. I felt like I saw both scenarios- of continuing to fight, and getting up to leave in the same moment. 

I woke up wanting to fight someone. 

I say this is bizarre because nothing like this is remotely similar to anything I’ve experience. Well, maybe the being turning on in fight when I’m trying to share my feelings of being wronged… but the entire scenario is completely foreign to me, and it felt so real. I don’t even have a girlfriend or wife. I have never wanted to share my partners… anyway. It makes me wonder if it was someone else’s story or dream… it be like that sometimes right?

Or if that is like the best my mind could do to represent feelings of betrayal that maybe I didn’t vocalize in the past?    I dunno.   Nothing I’ve watched or read or anything has anything to do with this.