Feelings

 On Sunday I went to an event for a clinic I used to intern at. I was preparing myself to run into M, and built myself up to feel confident, self assured, then got all sorts of wound up in the drama in my head, then laughed it off. 

She didn’t show up. I wasn’t sure what to expect, I hadn’t seen most of the folks for a few years. Turns out they were trying to have like a brainstorm/ restart on the clinic. I was able to share what had been meaningful to me in the past, and a few ideas about the present and maybe even the future. I found it to be a really cool event, and it made me miss being involved in organizations, missed having a shared mission and a team to work with. 

One of the board members asked me to email the director with some ideas. I sat in my car and wrote out an email, and began to imagine myself giving presentations at the universities trying to create enthusiasm about their mission. It felt great to brainstorm and be creative about something other than my own stuff. I road the wave of it into the next day, when I was confronted with my own therapy practice again. It was a good day with clients, today too… but I miss the sense of belonging, and I miss having a team. 

It also made me realize there seems to be a difference between me creating my own projects - like workshops, and the idea of helping others, or representing someone else’s mission. I could run classes or groups now, but I dont feel enlivened by the idea of doing it alone. 

So I’ve been thinking and wondering about that… it also made me realize how much I miss my old jobs because of that, and exes who I’d come home and brainstorm with. It felt like I had a teammate. Now… not so much. 

Today I struggled to get my head fully present. I felt like crying all day. Clients were good, connected with a prospective client as well as a coordination of care call that went well… but I was partially absent… something in me felt sad and angry and raw… a lot of my clients feel that way now, and I’m sure I picked up a bunch of that these last few days but also something stupid happened 2 blocks from my office (an ice raid) and I let other people in my building know… but it felt violating. Even though I wasn’t involved - found out later one of my old coworkers was… but it felt violating to think about how a client might be trying to get to their therapy office and get caught up in that. Or, people living or working in the fucking neighborhood! This is my neighborhood now, and some fuckers just ran in with weapons and pepper sprayed protesters and it’s just evil. 

It’s awful. I had this weird moment where this construction worker (white guy) who I was informing looked me in the eyes with the same “it’s fucking bullshit” attitude and I didn’t know him, and I was just moved by the fact that he was so quick to anger and protection like he was thinking about people he knows and works with, and his first response was so quick to that feeling of recognizing it was sooooo hurtful and scary, and angering.  

I didn’t know what to say, I think I nodded. I was caught off guard. I just wanted what he wanted and I didn’t know what else to do.   I mean, basically I was super sure everything was gonna be ok in my building, but wasn’t sure if people were coming into the building today… and I didn’t want anyone to feel scared or hurt. 

Ad I was walking home I was being a little less kind to myself, and I kept having this Ram Dass quote pop into my head - it’s from a video I used to watch every day before work, “you do what you do because your human  heart hurts…”   And then my mind would skip later in the video, “there is another part of me that is looking at the universe as it is, and saying “yes and this too.”

But I don’t think I could really stay with either of them. I watched the news and played games. 

It feels like there is an ache… I am sad. I don’t think I’ll cry tonight… I probably need to be less empathetic this week. 

11/15/25

 Its 9 pm on a Saturday. I'm in my bathroom at my normal spot at the island counter

Had dinner with my mom and grant last night. It was nice.  

Spent about 4.5 hours with Gabi this morning.  Was it really that long?  I was supposed to hang with some old teacher crew... but they cancelled and having just spent a bunch of time being social I was kind of ok with that.  So instead I came home and at lunch, then walked to Dogwood and felt uncomfortable in their chairs... (I need a new coffee shop). Some of this will undoubtedly parallel what I journaled there. 

What am I even journaling about? 

Sometimes I am not even sure what my life is anymore. 

"I will be light, time will continue without you, so in the end it's not about you."

I was talking with gabs about life, about disability, about healing, about our journeys and professions. 

I told her that even though she has faced a setback and might even launch into a new career, she is still herself and just finding ways to do it in a healthy way.  

I feel like I am applying that to myself for the most part. For the most part I am living out a healthy life... but it's so limited. Its work, and friend and family, but not a family of my own. Its small acts of creativity, but nothing to show. It's showing up for church but not having a community. It's showing up at protests, but not being involved in an org. Its maintaining my apartment, but not really feeling all that at home. 

I guess what I am saying is that I feel like I live deeply into a very small puddle, and it's not truly a fulfilling puddle... or like it's not enough to sustain a life. I'll need to find a bigger puddle. 

I think the difficulty is that the only place I really feel like I could push and make bigger right now is work... and that's the imbalance I am trying to get away from. 

This morning though, I woke up and decided I should really make progress on some of those long term goals -the 'bucket list' that isn't much of a bucket list. It's basically individual goals that I don't need someone else to accomplish... 

I am sure I have put these on here somewhere...

1) A cd or book of poems

2) learn to play a few songs on guitar (this would presumably mean that I learn them long enough that I could always pick up a guitar and play around). 

3) learn Spanish well enough to have conversations (this would presumably mean that I keep up my spanish enough that I can engage to some extent throughout my life). 

4) 6/7 continents aint bad.

5) finish the novel/series?

6) Grandpa videos  -this was an old project and it never turned into what I wanted. When I interviewed my Grandpa, he didn't have much to say. I realized I'd have to enrich the video with pictures and other stuff... and it started to feel like too much work. I always make things bigger than they need to be.

That's basically it... I make progress on Spanish -at least 5-20 minutes a day. I haven't touched the guitar in years. But I woke up this morning and thought "You know, you could publish a poetry book."   And for about 15 minutes today I thought about curating and editing a small book, self publishing and then not really sharing it. I don't really want a big audience; it's a personal goal... but maybe it will give me more experience for publishing the novel if I ever finish it. And then I would have something to hold in my hands, and not worry about people stumbling upon my blogs and 20 years worth of scribbles. 

I'd be like yeah... I wrote some stuff... it's not great but I like it. And the process itself would force me to wrestle with creativity more frequently, which would be good, because right now it feels like I am just avoiding it at all costs.  Today I wrote a little thought thing, not really a poem, but maybe if I edit it. 

I wrote some early in the summer?  But yeah... generally not doing much. 

I'm still somewhat interested in the idea of spiritual direction, but I am not sure it will really add much to my life. I feel like to some extent I'm tapped out on learning the next new thing... and now I should really read a good novel or something. Something to take my mind to different locations. 

I should probably set more time limits on screens. Listen to music... draw... write... play a few guitar chords. I mean arguably, I could probably complete most if not all of these goals within a year or two. 

I can speak Spanish like a 2-year-old. I don't practice with anyone... maybe I should be talking to Gabi in Spanish. 

I don't really want to go to Australia or New Zealand these days.   I think my next trips may be Mexico City, maybe DC or NYC, Portugal and Spain, South East Asia... those are the spots closer to the top of my list. Australia might be an indicator that I have a terminal disease... 

The novel could be published... if I got away from my giant idea of publishing it as a series. The project just got bigger and bigger (eye roll).  Maybe if I do a poetry book I should limit myself to like 30 and then I don't have to worry about it too much. If I did it as a zine with art, it would be even easier... but I kind of want the published bound look -not the things I did in high school. I suppose in that way I am already an accomplished author. Funny. 

Yeah so basically, I am saying my life is really easy. Work seems to be getting easier and easier. Less to worry about. More recognition that I can make it work and put in more effort if I am worried.

I have a list of stuff I need to do for the business, and for my life and I am not really trying on any of them. Health and dental insurance, some financial things, some legal stuff, some professional trainings... a few items for the office. It's simple stuff, and it doesn't seem to be a priority. I think maybe I like to have a list sitting in the background to feel like I have things. 

I wonder if that's why this "bucket list" doesn't seem to motivate much. I mean I got started... and now its like... ok finish it when you want. 

So it's probably time to start looking for a date. 

I think about other stuff I've been considering lately, volunteering, organizing, teaching, clubs, classes.

The tai chi thing was alright, but I am not actually all that interested... I forgot to do physical therapy yesterday and I am avoiding it tonight... (just did a little, probably need to do more when I am done). I'd prefer to go to an open mic, and get back into that kind of thing than the tai chi. Maybe I should check on the qigong. I dunno experiences, its like going to that shamanic class, or the reiki class, or Hare Krishna meeting, its like you try stuff. It's good, even if you don't make it a habit. I've done martial arts. I've done some types of dance. 

My mental health is funny... I notice getting anxious all the time, but I have ways of coping and recognizing. I am not sure if my beliefs of self are accurate, but they aren't getting me in trouble. I am functioning just fine. I am probably not "living up to my potential" but I don't feel guilty or ashamed like I used to. I mean sometimes in a motivating way, but not really in a "you're a piece of shit who doesn't deserve anything..." kind of way. I am pretty genuine, even if I don't always express my feelings in the moment. I do avoid a lot of social situations, but I also don't really enjoy a lot of social stuff. 

I don't necessarily enjoy the time alone (hence so much distraction), but I don't want to hold myself to a higher standard than everyone else, and everyone else is telling me about shows they are watching on netflix, so I must not be too far off -watching my youtube. 

I think its just that I'm so much more aware and accepting than I used to be that people just are who they are, and their lives are not going to be nor should they be perfect. It's like "yeah, you might figure that out, or you might keep doing the same old... and who cares."  \

Maybe having a horrible person for a president helps take the perfectionism away.

I dunno... I don't want people to suffer and make mistakes, I don't want to either... but we will. We will. Again and again... so why dwell too much. 

Feels like time for a shift, time for a change?  as if I didn't just rearrange my whole life 

--whats next universe and in what ways am I blocking my own blessings?

What could I let go of?  what could I add more of? 

What is nourishing, and what diminishing, and am I willing to forgo the latter for the former?

My sweet tooth and iltosha are still present...

Should I be a monk?  Should I be a poet? Should I join a choir? 

Should I swan dive into the sharks or the lions den or throw myself into an hielo vehicle (a word I can never hear when spoken, only recognize it when its written.

Maybe its time for more side walk chalk... maybe I need a horse or a wolf dog, or a guinea pig.  

 

Ram Dass answer to my situation

 https://youtu.be/wUqyE_sTRf8

Free journaling for an hour, I replied to Eduardo asking me how im doing

 Been struggling to figure that out lately. I went through a few months where I was starting my private practice and worried about money and trying to get everything settled and stable. I moved across the river and have been working out of my new office and trying to meet new colleagues and establish new routines. Felt like I was working towards something, even if it wasn’t exactly fun all the time. Now (since about mid october) I feel a little more stable and a lot less clear about what I’m supposed to do with my time and energy.

I’ve been going to more protests and things, but not feeling like committing to organizing - cuz it’s so exhausting. 

Been trying to say yes to random things, like the singing thing in the bar. Been seeing friends and family. Trying to keep up with the news… being very functional -as in keeping my apartment relatively clean and cooking, and trying to exercise a little and pay bills and what not.

But not feeling very inspired or clear about what comes next. It’s a little boring. I am sure I could create a more dramatic narrative, but it’s kind of like I rush to get a stable platform underneath me, and then sit on my ass uncomfortably- unsure what to build on it. Not feeling inspired by the outside world, and not feeling very ambitious myself. 

And my country is a shit show… and it’s obnoxious how every day there is a new headline to grab the attention and direct the outrage, but nothing seems to change. Lots of protests, but similar to my personal life, unclear of the direction - definitely feels like shit will get way worse before it gets better, and it’s very easy to be cynical in recognizing that it is all our choices. 

Trying to focus on little stuff, local stuff, eg local workers, local environmental stuff. Seems more possible. 

Trying to give back in the ways I can, as in not stressing when my clients who are way more scared or stressed than I am, miss an appointment or can’t pay me. Or like buying my broke friends a meal or taking them places when they don’t have money. 

I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, I’d say I’m content and that feels uncomfortable and kind of stupid given the world has always been on fire. 

I think doing my own therapy work has been weird because now it’s harder to guilt, shame, judge myself into doing things… I’m kind of like, “meh, that doesn’t sound appealing.” 

Somebody used to say I see lions everywhere, and that I need to start recognizing sheep are sheep, not lions in disguise. I feel like I’m getting closer to seeing the complexity of lions and sheep, but being less scared of both… but still not sure how to interact with them or even if I want to. I don’t know if that makes any sense. 

How are you?  What have you been up to? What’s inspiring? What’s bringing some joy, laughter? Sorrow? Connection?