End of the month

 

It's about 2:15 on a wednesday. I have a client in 45 minutes. This week has been pretty empty -as in 7 clients in the first 3 days. I need a few more, but I have two intakes scheduled next week and don't need 10 all at once, so that's a start. 

On Monday I had counseling, had taken some extra time to do brainspotting potentially. Didn't end up doing it. Talked about shifting identity, and how right now I am not responding/reacting in the way I used to, but I don't know how to respond/react differently yet, and its leaving me feeling a little less sure of myself, despite not tearing myself down (either). 

I remarked on the different identities and lives I've lived. My counselor was kind of surprised, she's like you have had two full careers that both required additional education, and you were a leader in a church thing? and in all of these areas you used to have community, and a shared sense of purpose and now you're doing your own business and effectively alone... and I was like yeah... and I'm trying things, but its hard.

On Monday I went to a "sing along" thing at a local bar. Went alone (mistake), but didn't know what to expect so I didn't want to invite anyone, wanted to have my own experience and decide what to make of it, not feel like I had to attend to others'. Turns out they are trying to rebuild the experience, so its a guy sitting there with song books, and me and a few others turn out. And we sing together, and in between its like the shallow political talk of strangers who don't know what one another knows already. Also there was a drunk Mexican guy who kept losing english words, so you had to concentrate extra hard to understand him. And in some ways he made it more fun.  In the moment I wasn't very anxious, glad I hadn't brought anyone, but glad to know what it was incase I wanted to bring more people the next time. In hindsight the shallow convo etc reminded me of being at hostels. People who are trying to get to know one another, but why? and to what extent is it even possible? But we are lonely, and desire to be part of something... so why not. 

It was something. 

Last night I thought I was gonna read, or write... but ended up on my phone.  Ultimately not life changing, and somewhat disappointing, and at the same time.. just another day.

Before bed I asked for dreams.

I got one at least. I remember it because I woke up and wanted to go back. 

In the dream, it was some kind of family event/reunion, maybe a wedding or the kind of funeral that is expected. But even though it seemed like my family, an ex, who didn't know my family well was present with her kids. I knew she was married with kiddos, but she gravitated towards me, and me to her. We hugged, he cuddled for a while, we talked, traded secrets, it wasn't sexual, but it was intimate, it was affectionate... and I wanted to be closer. I wanted that in my life, wanted her children to know me, but also wanted to provide the escape she needed from her responsibilities. It was an odd thing, it was loving, but somewhat of a secret, we made our own world in and amongst the larger gathering, the families with all their expectations and needs. We carved out space to just be for a moment, and it was an embrace with so much promise... and yet, it wasn't fully real. She wasn't unhappy in her marriage, just needed a short break, she wasn't unhappy in being a mom, just needed a space in which someone else could hold them for a moment, she wasn't promising to move to be near me, there was no life to be had together. It was just a moment to say, but I see you, remember you, cherish you, love this... and it was really enticing. I woke up, or something changed, and when I went back, she had already left. She didn't say goodbye, and that hurt, even though I knew better. I headed in that direction for a while, maybe even caught up, but there was nothing to say. No promises to make even though I craved them. It was a moment, and it felt lovely, and then goodbye. 

I know who it was in the dream, but it also feels a little symbolic of multiple relationships I've had... even sometimes of the experience of therapy... it's a very intimate experience, very vulnerable... I see you, I adore you, I am comforted by you... goodbye.

For example... I've been wondering a lot about M lately.... ever since I realized she works down the street. Wondering what that relationship was... a break from her struggles... a place to rest... a goodbye that happened way too abruptly. I blamed her... but maybe it was exactly what it was... and I just suck at not holding tight. 

Or with E, I adore her, I really enjoy being around her...but I don't know that we are as compatible as I hoped... so in some sense every time I see her now its "I love you, goodbye." 

So I keep thinking what next?   Trying new things, dabbling here and there. Going to Public events... but also spending a lot of time alone in my apartment. What does the next identity look like?

I don't know the direction of my life, and it leaves me a little u clear. I find it funny how many of my clients are in the same space. I talk to them as if I know things... reflect back what I am hearing... but its not because I am different. 

I always go in the same directions and maybe I am worried if I do the same old, I will get the same old results. Maybe I am afraid of new things though too... 

Anyway... not sure what to say. I feel unsettled, and a desire to distract and avoid... but I am also being productive, keeping up, functional... probably a little too independent.

A taste of what is on my list for today:

-1 more session. 

-walk home.

-spanish

-physical therapy

-make dinner

-buy quickbooks and explore

-print a form and sign.

*tomorrow I have three more sessions... sort of similar list. 

What to say

 It's a Sunday mid-October. Yesterday was a big protest. It was fun. Went with E and her friend's dad, who was very interesting, but a quite elderly man who was super slow. In a sense, we probably so more of the massive protest march than anyone else, as they all passed us by. It was pretty crazy to recognize that people just kept coming... it was a mile and a half route (they said), and it was full, for several hours. I think they are estimating 100,000 which seems high... but who knows. 

I am not sure I really have a lot to say these days. I went to church this morning and sat with Sara. I got groceries and then relaxed all day. Tomorrow I have therapy (brainspotting), followed by work for just a few hours, followed by consult. Nothing else on the calendar till next Sunday when there is a little bit of environmental advocacy for Grant's campaign (geothermal for St. Paul!). There is a lot of good work happening, I wonder why I am so reluctant to be involved in things.

I am less nervous about the business on the one hand -more and more claims keep going through... though not sure where the checks are going. My old landlord reached out and sent the safety deposit to me... so I have enough for November is what I am saying. I need to start getting serious about tracking how much money is coming in for tax purposes. 

The other day I was realizing, wait, its only been two and a half months. technically 11 weeks since I moved here. 10 weeks since I opened the business. That's not much... but I feel like my whole world has shifted to St. Paul. My daily life feels very different... and it really is true that once I get all this business stuff worked out... my life is very boring...

I am spending hours and hours on my phone or computer. Not reading enough. Not seeing enough people. Not really being creative or all that productive. 

For a while it felt like rest after shifting my whole world... now its starting to feel boring. Which is good. 

This last week I got some news -re Medicare and Medicaid and insurance stuff being bullshit and maybe that will make my life more dramatic and scarcity based again... but for now in general everything personally is really ok.

I've been fairly positive. Fairly grateful. walking to work a lot when I can. Got my routines down. Now its time to add again... I think. 

I still have no idea what that should be. 

I know I need to be a little more disciplined in some work/admin stuff. 

I know what things make me feel centered... but generally, the thing I want to add is more sustained community and maybe a romantic interest. 

It's been weird with E. It is sooooo easy to be around her. Like a few hours felt like nothing at the protest. But I don't look at her like I want her... even if I love her. I don't seek affection anymore. It's like she's a really close friend or family... but not my gf anymore.  I dunno what that means. 

I am proud of her, want her to have a good life, but also I don't want to take care of her anymore... 

I was imagining winning the lottery, and wondering if that would change things. I dunno.

I am back in an AOE2 and t90 phase. I am listening to a lot of great music ( Brandi Carlile , Jesse Welles, Frusciante covers, Katie Gavin, lots of other stuff. Following a lot of politics. Watching youtube and insta. But I am not involved in much. Reading "Becoming Wise" Krista Tippet, and a Sufi book. The first is ok, the second has been life changing every time I read it. I actually think its part of what has been allowing me to be in a good mood, but I am not very consistent. I read like 2 x a week, and sit around telling myself I should be doing more. I think I would need a routine away from my phone/computer.  

I usually see at least one family member every week, at most two. I suppose we have the holidays coming up. My mom and Grant are going on a big trip to Argentina and Chile in Feb. -So I guess I won't be going to Mexico then. -Maybe I will anyway, but my Mom said she'd go with for a week. 

I dunno... I feel a little disconnected from myself and everything today. Which is fine. Maybe I am living at some level of dissociation all the time?

I don't really feel lonely the way I have in the past. I feel content. I would like to add more. I don't feel pessimistic about that being possible, I just don't know what the direction I want to go is. 

I think I thought I would have more to say, maybe that's why I haven't been journaling much. The scarcity and fear have worn off, and now I am floating rather than grasping. Maybe I should do some reading... but I will probably just watch more youtube. 

I should probably give myself some goals for the week, I mean other than paying bills, doing the dishes and some spanish. 

Octubre

 Did some journaling earlier today about an awesome play I went to see last night with E... 

But that was in the journals.... I had meant to sit there at the coffee shop and do some imagining, some brainstorming... some thinking about the rest of life. But I didn't. Finished a book. The storm outside stopped, and I decided it was lunch time at 3 in the afternoon. 

It's the first Sunday of October of 2025. Its been in the 80s so far this month, and this week its supposed to take a dive. I think it was last year or the year before they had to cancel the twin cities marathon because it was too hot. Today was the marathon, they didn't cancel. The heat broke with the storm and the sky was full of clouds all afternoon. 

It's October.  On Friday I went for a walk with my Dad... Saturday morning hung with him and James and the kiddos... went to Home depot for projects and then a park for an hour. It was nice, but hot and somewhat exhausting. Crazy that an hour on a playground will wipe you out when you spent your youth running around on them... 

Dinner, a short walk around the river and the play last night. 

Today I slept in, and then watched church but it wasn't inspiring. Coffee shop. Finished Everything is Tuberculosis which was a great book. Sad, but hopeful.  Then got groceries and took a nap...

So many naps these days. While out walking to the coffee shop and back, I wondered if I need to just spend 20 minutes a day imagining. I don't do enough of that anymore. So much phone time, youtube, computer games... much of the slow part of life has been replaced with a screen and it makes the time go by, I even find I crave it... but its such a bad habit. AND so unfulfilling ultimately. I don't write poetry or think up new things... because I am too busy watching something that I will forget, fulfilling all my temporary needs.  

I think the orange guy is gonna die soon. I don't know why, but it just feels that way, like there is another turning point coming. Maybe its wishful thinking. I am not sure what will happen to the elephants without him, will any of them wake up?  

Things just seem crazy... and I am not sure what my role or part in it is... I was wearing my little braid with beads today and wondered if I need to be displaying a freak flag more often... something to just say    ummmmm no. Without having to address it all too much. Maybe a bumper sticker. 

THis is the kid who wore a peace sign every day, do you remember him? Where did he go?  On the one hand, I wonder if I have less ego on the line, less need to be seen. And on the other hand, maybe I am just afraid. Afraid to be seen, afraid to be tore down, afraid to let others down, afraid to not have foundation or structure...

Its October. I said I would take on new clients by october. I have started one couple. I need about 5-10 more clients to fill my schedule and make the whole thing work. But its a weird time in the world. I don't seem to be doing a lot of advertising... what is my brand?  I want to put up memes or jokes on my website... not very professional.   

I dont know...

Was thinking maybe I should go to Mexico City in February. But will have any money by then? At this point I haven't even made enough to pay my monthly bills... how could I afford to go to Mexico City? Seems outlandish. And with the state of the world, shouldn't my money go to something more substantial?

Apparently my mood has shifted from earlier in the day when everything was possible... now I am being too cynical. 

I just don't know what I am doing next I guess.  October, November, December, -have to get all my CEUS. January, February?  By August I need to find my next place to live... This place is too expensive for real...  My office is up -around next fall or winter... not sure yet. If I haven't build some community, maybe look to find some folks to create a new space. Between the apartment and business expenses I think I am paying around $3300 and I am not taking in that much so far. So gotta cut costs. 

I thought I was prepped for it all. But again my theme of the night... I dunno. 

Its a weird time of life. I feel like I am the least held down by shame and guilt, general anxiety than I have been in years... but I am also not exactly free/adventurous. I want to make good impressions, but I also don't really care too much, don't want to go out of my way to please people... in some ways that is freedom, but at the same time I am not sure what this freedom should be for. 

I have extra time, and I am not sure where to place my time and energy -because I don't want to get warn out, and I don't really want to feel overwhelmed... I want down time...

Maybe I should be writing again. Maybe in the next 6 months I figure out my business and finish part of the book and then give myself Mexico as a reward or something. 

I need something to look forward to. Thats been a theme lately.   I know there are family events, but other than that... not much.  

Its nice to hang with the kiddos, but also reminds me of what I don't have. Maybe its ok to not have your own kids. Maybe thats just how it will be... maybe I can focus on other people's kiddos. 

One of the themes of the play was what makes a life worthy, worthwhile? meaningful?

Whats the smallest measure that would be proof of that? 

The characters ultimately consider multiple metaphors via the arching metaphor of music... maybe we all just have to learn to play our one note truly. Maybe my note is being a teacher/therapist... for a while I thought it was being a friend, but not so much anymore... I had figured at some point it would be to be a father. I am envious of the young fathers I see in my practice... how they light up. Not an organizer, activist, freedom fighter,  artist? Writer?  probably not... guy on a park bench?  maybe...

I answered the question with the sense of honor I feel when an animal or a baby or a small child or a stranger thinks I am worthy of a smile, thinks I am safe enough to come near. Like my niece and nephews who launch themselves in my lap sometimes. Like... in what world?  I remember that dream I had a long time ago, when a small child saw me, lit up, yelled Mikey! and ran to me.  It feels like that a little. They are their own beings, and I am honored to feel seen and loved. 

How many little notes have I been honored to play?   And all of them true to some extent... but is there a legacy or something I am supposed to leave, or am I just part of the cacophony of sound? when the dissonance gives way to the melody... the quarter tone, the in between notes...

I should read more sufism... that would probably set me straight and crooked. 

The truth is, I want love and a family. But I don't know that I am ready... looking back, I certainly wasn't. All the people I thought I would be, could be, should be... coming to terms with who I am... knowing I won't be able to please all those I love, that yucky feeling. 

Still learning and growing and changing everyday... maybe its the carving away? or the adding... I dunno.

thats for sure