heart and head

 Listening to the tiny desk concert a client recommended before I see them again tomorrow. Big Thief, they're good so far.

Tonight I hung out with E, we walked westwood and went out to eat. It was nice.

At dinner I told her I don't want to date her, but that I wasn't shutting myself off from dating others. She assured me that was ok. I told her I felt guilt and had a hard time trusting her response because of my own shit... I cried half the way home and messy cried when I got here. 

I don't know why... I know that I still love this person, hold them in my heart, worry about them, pray about them, want the best for them... and I know my head has convinced the rest of me that love in this case is not enough -wont lead to the life I want to live... and yet... it sure hurts to say it. 

I was relieved for a little while with how she responded. She seems to get it. I am happy we can be honest with one another, and it actually makes me want to see her more. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I actually do enjoy being around her. So it sucks.

Head and heart knowledge not the same sometimes. 

I am trying to get past this whole caretaker thing, and E pulls me right back into it every time. I don't think its intentional. But it just sucks...  When you love someone, you take them as part of you. And I want to keep that part of me. And I want her to feel free to be herself, but I like that she wants to be around. I just don't know what to do...

I think its the right decision, but I think it would have been a lot easier to know that sooner if I hadn't let myself fall in love with her, dream and try to make a future together. heh... I guess its just natural consequences. 

The tarot people always say you have to make room before new things come into your life. I want to be open to those new things and not feel guilty or defensive or loyal to E... and I know right now I am still having a hard time putting those misplaced feelings aside. It might even be better if I started dating, and then she would have an easier time getting over me?   Is that how it works?

I dunno... I am not over her, I guess is my point. But I think I need to keep moving in that direction. AND honestly it was good to say out loud to her, and its been really shitty for like the last hour... and maybe I just need a night to cry it out. Not the first time, probably not that last. 

Sunday

 

It’s about 10:50 pm when I start this. I feel like I got most of goals accomplished this weekend, maybe with the exception of seeing the lizard crew or any family (they didn’t reach out, so I didn’t). 

Yesterday I saw E again at the hospital and had some reminders of her family drama and I will probably get into that in a minute. 

I also walked to The Golden Nuts with Rachel over in Columbia heights because I was craving Dubai chocolate. It was a good long walk, though a bit sticky out. I got some treats and a bubble gum soda which she made fun of the entire way back - she said, “if you have any icebreakers like a fun fact about you, you can tell them that as an adult you have had a bubble gum flavored soda in the last year.”  It was a bit stronger than Inca  kola but totes delicious. 

Today I went to church, to dogwood, and then spent half the day in bed? Probably not that much but it felt like 3-4 hours at least. I woke up and got shit done. Which feels good, but now I’m worried about my 8:30 am appointment tomorrow. Maybe wake up and shoot espresso to the dome. The day will be pretty chills, just three morning appointments and presumably a lot of insurance calls all afternoon. Maybe I’ll go swimming if it’s sunny. 

So back to the drama.

I had this realization… I was spending time with E at a mental hospital and enjoying it. Honestly it was a really fun time. It felt good. I really like being around her. I enjoy talking to her, and she actually let me talk a lot for someone accused of being manic (she clearly isn’t right now). It felt really nice and I was having a hard time reminding myself that feelings aren’t enough. It was weird too, because the day had started with drama and worries. I thought I was getting myself into chaos. It felt yucky, suddenly being in the middle of her family drama again… and then later when I ran into her family it was nice. It was familiar. I missed them even though I’d spent the morning wary, angry, judgmental, wanting something desperately from them… and I’d spent so much time noticing I was in the drama, and laughing about it… it was also so familiar. It was my life for like 2.5 years. It felt like home. And to be honest… I wanted more of it. And then I realized that I was in the role again. Jumping to rescue and play peacemaker, and guide, and gift giver and supplier, and nice guy. I was doing all the things, and feeling like I was being effective… and it was like.. oh am I really happy or am I just playing my role effectively? 

And that’s what is so hard… because I am genuinely happy when I get to talk to E and we are on the same page, and we are dreaming, and exploring and raising insights and I get to be a teacher and a wise person and a good guy… I loved spending the time with her even in the middle of a mental hospital. (What’s the difference than that and meeting at headway?)  

But that’s not what caused me to have distance.  It was not that I didn’t love her, or enjoy her company, it wasnt even that I did all those things for her, I did them willingly - wanting to. It was that I ended up feeling responsible for everything.  I want to do these things in a relationship, and I want a partner who does them, and she couldn’t. And I am always looking for signs that she might be able to… she speaks a good game sometimes. But I can’t depend on that. 

And it sucks. Because I like who I am around her. I like how she sees me. And I like who she is in the world, (when she is in the world) but I can’t depend on it. I can’t 

So today I talked to her when she called, but I didn’t go with my friend to the hospital to visit. And though I did a little research for her, I’m not trying to jump in and fix everything… even though I want to. 

And I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to do. But it was really weird (kind of heartbreaking) to get to play the role again and like it so much… and then realize it isn’t enough. 

I also think I want to clarify that it isn’t her, though I’m sure all my arguments sound that way… I mean it is her and the circumstances but it’s also me.. I’m not enough when I’m just playing the role, I tiptoe, I’m not honest, I’m gaslighting myself and manipulating the situation, I’m not actually being authentic and it ends up being destructive because later I’m resentful and avoidant and shutdown and angry… and it’s not enough if I don’t show up and feel I can show up in a relationship. And I have to figure that shit out… even though I like the role, I’m not the role. 

Hard

 I don’t really know what to say. It was a tough week capped off by a tough situation. Last week I found out my cousin died and E was having difficulty at home. Then this week I ran into a bunch of business crap with insurance -kind of felt like an idiot and had to keep reassuring myself that I could figure things out. 

Today was a mostly good day. I feel like I didn’t get everything I wanted accomplished, but it’s all gonna be OK and then E called me from the hospital because her family had hospitalized her last weekend shortly after I had seen her. So I went to the psych ward tonight, I guess it was the intensive inpatient. I’m not sure if it was me or if there’s something going on there, but getting off the elevator, I felt dizzy and kind of foggy. It honestly felt a little like I was getting just waves of that feeling that you get when you’re around somebody whose perception is off/different. Like personality disorders or people experiencing hallucinations -it was very unnerving. But it also just maybe my own emotions and -feeling kind of panicky. 

So I went in to see her and the actual unit wasn’t very interesting -a lot of empty quiet space I guess. I chatted with her for like a hour and a half. Kind of found out that she freaked out on her family last weekend and made a scene. And that because she doesn’t trust them, she doesn’t wanna leave the hospital yet, which makes sense for all sorts of reasons. but I didn’t actually get the impression that she was needing to be there.  Like she did not seem to be actively manic, or delusional, or experiencing psychosis or difficulty functioning or anything. A little on edge maybe, but nothing harmful to anyone. I’ve seen her far worse I guess.  

But I kind of had to say to her that I wasn’t gonna take her in, or maybe I didn’t need to say it, but I did because I was trying to set my boundaries. But it was really hard because my mind does wanna solve this for her. I wanna make things better. And it’s not my responsibility to do so but it’s really hard to go to sleep tonight knowing that she’s stuck in a hospital. And she’s safe and everything is fine. And she could probably leave and go back to her family whenever she wants. But it’s just uncomfortable. It’s really uncomfortable to know that she is struggling and that she’s experiencing the consequences of kind of like - not pretending to be OK. When everyone around her is also not OK, but they want to pretend.   It just feels really weird. There’s been a lot of nights in my life where I’ve gone to sleep in places that I didn’t necessarily want to be -where it was uncomfortable. Or dirty or maybe I didn’t feel like it was clean or safe or there were bugs or all sorts of things, sometimes as simple as a really uncomfortable mattress, and I know that none of these things in themselves is horrible, and that in a little while it’ll mean nothing. But some part of me does feel like I’m letting her down. Like it’s my fault. And it really sucks when I know I have the ability or capacity to swoop in and rescue her. But I can’t do that. But I’m not always sure why I can’t do that.  And part of it really is that like she has to fight her own fights and figure out her own life, her family will always be her family. But I wish there was a way that I could give her a leg up. Without feeling like I’m extending myself. I’m not sure what that is right now. She is thinking a little more outside the box, like how do I get to Costa Rica? And it kind of bothers me how many of the little things I’ve said to her -are becoming her fantasies. Like i worry that maybe I’m influencing her in a bad way. But also, I do think she needs a more adventurous life but like in a good way, not a hard way. So I don’t know I’ll probably go by again tomorrow bring her some stuff, but I kind of feel like shit.