This was text from speech, so it might be a little off
Dreams, the first one.
I was sitting alone at a picnic table, eating a salad. I looked over to my right and I saw the lnas teachers. But I didn’t join them. They seemed to be having a good conversation. I also noticed that it was sort of potluck style. And I wasn’t sure what I could bring. I started to work on that settling on something that was like cupcakes. While I was doing that I started eating the rest of my lunch. A woman and her friends sat down at the table with me. She sat down across from me and had a veggie dish of some sort with lots of color. She asked me if I liked cabbage. I said “not really” she kinda smirked. I asked her how she cooked it. As I looked at her face, I felt drawn to her, not that she was overwhelmingly attractive. But she had some sort of charm. When she answered my question, I didn’t seem to get all the information I wanted, she was looking away, I wasn’t sure if I was feeling dismissed or just misunderstood. I started to casually comment or chat with the person who sat to my left. But I was trying to formalize another question to get the information I was looking for. I had this idea that she might cook the cabbage like cabbage rolls in Lebanese cuisine. I think I tried to ask her again and again she didn’t fully respond. I wasn’t happy with her response. I made a snarky comment “she probably cooks it with just salt.“ I stopped thinking about it and went back to the rest of my food and finished then got up from the table and as I got up from the table, I noticed she had three arms one of the lower arms was in sync with the arm that I had seen above. So I tried to glance to see if she had a fourth she did. The two below worked in concert with the two above, the two below being obviously weaker somewhat discolored. It was unclear if they could do things on their own or only followed along with the above. Despite having four arms, I kind of looked at her again with admiration, the same way that a Hindu person might, is this an incarnation of God? Well of course, but what does it mean? I got up from the table and tried to throw away my garbage suddenly realizing I was on some sort of college campus. And they had too many options for throwing away garbage. I was trying to read the options and find the right one, but it was very busy in the cafeteria area and I felt like I was in the way.
The second dream. In the second dream, I was hosting a party at a giant modern apartment. It was a fancy place. It was much much much bigger than what I’m moving into. So many rooms -not even knowing their purpose. I knew there were people coming over and then they were there, but I think prior to them all being in the space there was an in between dream where my extended family was there and I wasn’t sure what rooms they were in. And later the question of where are the children sleeping and what time do they need to go to bed? Was one of the 50 million stressors during the party. I guess I wasn’t really that familiar with the space I just knew I had a lot of it and that it needed to be filled. I know there were a few different areas, including a sort of outdoor deck space- Where at one point I ran into illy, who was manically spray-painting blankets, and towels and rugs. She said the Place needed more color or warmth or something. I was worried she was ruining things that I cared about or would cost me a bunch in bills when I moved out. It must’ve been a housewarming party. Like getting to know, neighbors, etc. because I didn’t really know that many people and they were party people, even though they were more dressed up and wealthy- looking, real bro energy. At one point, I found myself in an area of the larger apartment building where there was like 100 women getting their nails done and a table set out for local teachers to have a banquet or something.. I think in that part, I was relieved that I got away from the party and wasn’t hosting for a moment, but then of course somebody came and got me. And they got me to fix something probably a toilet, but I wasn’t familiar with the design so their guess was as good as mine. And we had to call the handyman so we did and he was an older dude not judgmental, but clearly not this era. He did a few things had to move to a few different rooms to fix it and eventually did and kind of showed me what to do if it got broken again. Then, on his way out, he remarked on the device that was for clearing the energy of the space I think? The device needed to be in the sunlight for about 12 hours max and then needed to be moved to the shade and at first felt like a big hassle to me. But he told me his daughter felt the same at first and now swore by it. I asked if she lived in the building, getting the impression that all residents get one at some sort of ceremony. He said “no, she lives about an hour and a half away, but my son lives in the building.” So, I asked how long his son lived there. but he got it mixed up and started talking about his daughter again. And I didn’t know if I was talking to someone who had dementia, or if there was some sort of code or mystery to uncover in his speech. Whenever I asked about his son he talked about his daughter and when I asked about his daughter, he said she wasn’t around, but his son was. Anyway, when he left, I spent a little time fidgeting with the device and got it set up then I went basically to another room or something, but it was to avoid the party that I was hosting like even though I was in charge I didn’t want to be there, and I also didn’t want to have to tell everyone to leave.
When I woke up, I realized both of these dreams had this theme of being around people, wanting to be part of something but feeling very left out, or in charge but not part of stuff.
Hosting, taking responsibility, but not fitting in or getting to connect in the way that I want to.
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I imagine that some of this has to do with telling clients this week that I am starting my own business. I have to host a crowd in an unknown space. Make sure they feel welcome, but I don’t necessarily feel excited by the idea of my own business, to me it feels like a lot of work (as of right now).
I am also moving soon, officially August I will pay double rent, and the new building will be expensive though I don’t think it is very posh.
I also know that I had my current landlord over to fix the toilet yesterday, so I am sure that is part of that section.
I have been asking spirit guides and ancestors and everyone in the universe with support for the next steps, guidance, a clear path. I feel like things are going well so far in the initial phases of the transition, but I am also feeling behind and unprepared.
I am trying to trust that though things may be hard, it is easily solvable. As one of the tarot readers pointed out “you think if something goes wrong, you’re falling off a roof or a cliff, but really you’re just jumping off a table. You could even land on one foot and be ok.” And that really is how it feels. I’m sure there will be some headaches, some letting people down, but I’m ready for something new.
Once everything is up and running I can relax… but then I’ll need a new thing to take up my time and energy.
Writing? Painting?
Some sort of training?
Video games and Instagram?
A workshop program for the new business?
Community building in the office space and at the apartment building?
Protests?
Family time?
Dating?
I’m just not sure yet. I really do want everything to be in place before I set out…
Tonight E is coming over to do some painting. We are gonna have salmon and rice.
The week ahead looks pretty chill, and then on Friday I am meeting up with some Morris people and I feel anxious about it. A past life. I’m sure it will be nice. I was thinking about how I am on this email chain of SLP guys who are getting together for brunch once a month, and I never respond or go… past life stuff.
I used to always want to carry my old life with me. Now I seem to be afraid of it?
Something to recognize I guess. Onwards and upwards?
Been singing “I will be light” all week. Generally feeling very positive and grateful.
