Part 2

 After some reading a lot of crying…. I guess I have come to the conclusion that it’s hard not to live in the past and the future when the present doesn’t feel so great. It’s fine, but it’s not life giving. 

I think today was a lot harder than I realized because E and I were both talking about our futures and we weren’t included in one another’s. When we talk of the past there is a shared connection point, but she tells me about her week or what is coming up and I can appreciate it, sometimes I even have insider information, but I’m not scheming to make myself part of it. 

I talked about moving on from this apartment, and in my dreaming of the future, fail to mention how hard it is to let go of dreams, memories, stories. She says she misses this place that she was so desperate to get away from, that she said she’d never come back to basically. That she misses our room, that she likes my bookshelves, that she likes the high ceilings and natural light, and all I can do is intellectualize because it feels like such a mixed message, and in it is a level of betrayal for our shared goals and dreams… and I’m kind of like, I’m so glad you’re doing better, but why couldn’t you do this then?  And I have to acknowledge it’s because we weren’t meant to be together, and it makes me wonder why she feels like home then? And also why I’m not trying to make it happen. Why I’m avoiding looking at her. Why I pull away from touch. 

Why do I dread leaving this place -because I’ll not have those memories or dreams anymore. Why can’t I move forward and not be so pained by the loss? 

I tell her I need to get rid of stuff, but I feel bad because some of it is still hers, and I don’t say out loud, I’m holding this for you because I love you and want you to have stuff that was meaningful, and she says throw it out. And I’m reluctant. I hesitate because I think she is being impulsive, and she thinks I’m being anxious and controlling, and worrying over nothing. In her words she says she doesn’t have the attachment to it, maybe never did… but I remember a dream or a goal she had once and I want to honor it… I want to honor all the dreams that I have to let go. I have to let it go. 

I still have the fucking pregnancy test. She wanted to throw it out, and I didn’t. I want to hold onto it like some sort of momento? Why? 

Because I dreamed we’d have a kiddo, and it terrified me, but made me realize how much I wanted it. And how much I was willing to grow for it… and then it wasn’t. So now what? 

I’m so in love with my pain and suffering, and also so desperate to get away from it. I keep thinking about this idea of getting on anxiety meds, and like… ok but then will I have a reason to pray 5-10 times a day? A reason breathe, to ground, to practice gratitude, to reassure myself? Will I wrestle with the heaviness of stuff or will it all be so easy that I don’t have to… and then on the flip side, what if I didn’t have to? And what if it meant I stopped avoiding all the hard things? And what if it meant I could move forward more easily without worrying so damn much about every little thing and making it all so heavy when it’s just stuff. It’s just baggage. 

I’m so fucking sentimental and I don’t even realize it. I want to honor every little thing, and then of course a day later I don’t care about anything and it’s all so easy to throw.   

I know I know I know based on all the past stuff that this will get easier, that some day I won’t be bowled over in tears, that I won’t even think about any of it that often, and that time will help. And distance and a new environment and all of that… but it’s so heavy sometimes. I am such a creature of habit, I always want to take my old with me into the new… and I ask why I can’t? 

Can’t I hold it all?

I should just get rid of half my stuff and get a 1 bedroom apartment again. Start over. No trophies. No reminders. Blank slate. 

I didn’t realize how much I was grieving this weekend. Seeing friends and preparing for a future, when none of us know what we are doing. And none of us are able to reassure. I didn’t realizing how much is changing, and how I wasn’t able to be present to myself or the things… and now I keep crying every five minutes and I’m not sure how I’ll get to sleep without distracting myself again and the cycle repeats. Maybe I’ll just exhaust myself with heartache… maybe I have already. Maybe it’s ok. 

Emotions don’t last very long. I can welcome them. I can wish them well when they go. I can trust in a greater truth, and know there is connection even when I feel disconnected. I can believe in that… probably just too much sun, and that old familiar feeling of coming home and not feeling held. 

Thanks heart, you’re trying so hard. I got you. 

Mellow

 

It is memorial day 2025. Around 8pm, a Monday obvi. 

The birds are still chirping outside and the sun has not quite made its bed yet.

I spent a good portion of the day with E out at Taylors Falls, hiking both sides of the river. Both of us rejecting the fish fry at my Mom's favorite fish and chips place because it tastes like pickles... and that is GROSS.

This weekend has felt odd. I've been surrounded by friends and alternatively head first in a computer game. Staying up too late and accidentally sleeping in too late as well. 

I did a lot of walking, probably got my 10k steps each day, but also a lot of heavy eating (Benihana with Jessica, Applebees with Illy, Taco bell after seeing Rachel). 

For such a social weekend, I don't feel very fulfilled. 

I spent a portion of today and yesterday wondering why it was so hard to feel grounded, or in the moment, or appreciative. I mean I can, with effort, and I enjoyed seeing all my friends, but I didn't feel happy this weekend. Didn't feel overcome by joy, or awe... I had a few moments of delight, but it was hard to connect to my body, and hard to connect to the present... and I guess thats what I have been feeling. 

The moments of excitement were primarily spent thinking about a new apartment, or enjoying the sunshine... but maybe too much?  Maybe I got burned and my body is recovering from the radiation? 

I dunno.  

After being around E for 4 hours, and her not needing me, and not feeling like I had to do anything, I drove home wondering why I wasn't feeling much... then I got home to my quiet empty apartment (so much stuff, so little I want to engage with), and I felt very sad. Very alone and empty. 

Part of it is recognizing how much has changed between us, wondering still if there is something that will reignite the spark. She asked me if I have feelings still, and I can't deny that I was looking forward to seeing her again for several days of last week, but at the same time, I am not trying to direct my life in a way that would bring us back together. 

It's not even that I spent the weekend talking about others stuff, I actually spent a lot of time talking about my own, and the direction I was going, and the things I was looking forward to, and at the same time, all of it feels kind of empty. It's like looking for a house, or furniture, or starting a business or whatever... all for yourself... and why?

I spent a lot of time last week getting sad and angry about politics and the hurt politicians will cause... and nothing changed... this weekend I have spent a lot of time indulging in distraction and avoidance and nothing changed... I made plans to move ahead, I saw my friends, everything is fine. 

But I am sad. I think I am really sad. 

I think I feel really alone even though I saw 4 friends this long weekend. Things feel kind of meaningless. I think I was looking forward to having time off, and after spending several days -I realized how desperate I am to not be alone with the silence. 

Its one thing in the woods, when it gets quiet and you listen to the birds and its nice. Its another thing when its your refrigerator humming, and you don't know what to do with yourself. 

I feel like my heart was locked up all weekend, and I didn't know how or want to access it... numb. And it sucked. 

I have so much to be thankful for... so much that is beautiful... so many opportunities... but I just want to go to bed. 

I think thats my conclusion... that I had a wonderful weekend, but it was dulled down by feeling like I couldn't be with it. 

There is a lot more to say, different little avenues, but I am not sure I care for the thoughts that are coming out. It'd probably be better to cry than to sit and dwell.

4 days this week, and it seems like it will be pretty easy. Doctor appointment on Thursday, maybe an art thing on Wednesday... Nothing wrong. 

Mid-ish May

 It’s a Tuesday morning, it is raining (will be all week I guess). I am at spyhouse, there is something beautiful playing, but I don’t know the artist. Sounds a little like Haley Bonar (on some songs).

I’ve been mostly good, maybe a little down with the weather. I am not sure how I am actually, as I haven’t been doing a lot of journaling, and haven’t spent a lot of time analyzing myself the way I might normally. Instead distracting, or staying busy with productive stuff.

Over the weekend I bought furniture for the new office and got the key last week. It’s still weeks or months away, but starting to feel real. Slowly. 

I had a dream last night that I was laying in the lap of a friend, who was shirtless. People were talking about us, wondering if we had coupled up. I was wondering that too. I asked, if we were to date, would it ruin our friendship, and she replied, that’s why we have never dated or something to that extent. But I was in love and wanting more. 

In the light of day, or rather the gray and rainy gloom of a Tuesday, I am not even sure who this friend is - a mix of people and maybe some enhancements? But I wish I had that feeling again. New love mixed with comfort, mixed with lust, mixed with an “us against the world” feeling. 

It’s gonna be a long day at work, 7 clients, late night. I’m already thinking I might as well get fast food after. 

The day will be gone by the time I am done here, is all I mean.  Lately sometimes that’s how work feels, not a part of life, but the thing I do between life. Which is a reversal of how I spend my energy most of the time.

I think it’s because I want to move forward into something new, and feel held back. Like the perpetual waiting game. And a 9 hour work day is certainly a barrier to life. That itself is one of the things I’m looking forward to being different, my time will be mine. The effort will have direct pay off, and if I want to go to work or stay home, either way I get to decide. And if I want to run errands, or have a few hours off, I don’t have to feel beholden to someone else’s policies to stay within compliance. 

I suppose that is also a fear, the structure and routine and isolation will all be mine to figure out. I’ve been to the office twice and both days it seemed quiet. No one walking around, no doors open. I am looking for collective vibes, not cloister vibes. And what if I can’t find that? Then I’ll need to create my own new environment. 

Join more classes maybe. Do some networking which I’m afraid of doing too early, because right now I can’t run out for lunch easily, but maybe in July?

It feels like July is when I will be opening. Maybe August even… but who knows. 

My mom has told me she’ll pay for a vacation with her. I should take her up, but who wants to travel in the gross heat of summer? 

My health is ok. I can tell I am struggling in certain areas. My shoulder and left arm, fucked up some sort of nerve.not sure how to help that heal, but it might be time I go to the doctor. My stomach… for awhile it was doing better, but I ate a hell of a lot of sugar last night. Not sure why either, just kept eating. 

I’ve been trying to walk more, trying to get sunlight when I can. But I am not exercising or walking or anything. Gonna get air/stand desk, but will that help? Or will I leave it in the sit position all the time…

Self fulfilling prophecy. 

Last week in therapy I considered briefly whether I should be on anxiety meds to take the day to day edge off. I decided no, after the session, but in session she challenged me on why I think I need the overthinking… good question?

E and I talked and walked over the weekend. Similarly, noticing parts of self.  It’s been a bit difficult to reconcile just how easy it is to hang with her, and the recognition that I had come to in the past - that that isn’t enough.  It’s a little like dating. But also, we spend at least half the time talking about the past. I am inspired by the work she is doing for herself. It brings me hope, but also I dunno. Weird to feel some comfortable,  and still want more. Maybe I’m greedy. Maybe I’ve been downplaying my needs?

I’m trying to practice honesty without attaching to the impacts. Speak my truth, you know?

Speaking of truth, I’ll probably get to reading in a moment. Started a new book, and rereading some Khalil Gibran, I forgot how much that book resonates with me. In some ways, it feels like I’ve been growing into it, like it’s been guiding me. I am amazed by how brilliant it is. How it feels beyond wise - transcendent to me.  If I could hold it… 

But for now in this life, a little bite at a time. A hunger. A satiation, a turning toward and away. 

I need to stop believing to need to be something other than what i am. Sometimes I’m there. Sometimes, I am there on one level and not another. 

 

Tuesday night.

 

I dont know whats up with me... last night I went to bed earlyish... tonight I am ready for bed after this. Probably sit on my phone trying to drown it out.  

Today was an odd day. I woke up and went to get coffee and did some reading. I felt positive about the day ahead. Then after my second client, I just felt off. Felt like I couldn't get grounded... something was wrong, and it was easy to blame me and wonder what I should be doing differently. Ate lunch, did some work, decided I needed to journal. It was helpful, but then I had some more clients... I felt like I was as grounded as I could be, but I knew something was wrong. 

One of my clients was really struggling, the other not so much... I had another hour break inbetween clients and tried to get paperwork done, and again I felt off...

Felt like life wasn't very real. Thats what it felt like throughout the day, like no matter what you do, or how you participate, this isn't all that real. Tragic things happen... and the consequences feel real... but is there anything you can do about it? Predictable things happen, and despite knowing better, we don't or can't stop them. All the advice in the world. All the knowledge. All the best intentions. None of it matters all that much in the grand scheme of things... something is wrong. 

I found out shortly before my last appointment of the night, that India and Pakistan were bombing each other. Not sure yet if this is a full scale war, or a tit for tat thing... but the idea of the hundreds of millions going to war with one another seems incredibly scary. 

I am still feeling the unreal thing. I drove to get food, ate the food, watched a bunch of youtube and distracted myself... but it feels like I am swimming in unreality a little bit. 

A little detached from reality, and yet the feeling brings up anxiety, dread almost... something feels very wrong. I am not sure what to say about it.

I am hoping it goes away. I don't like the feeling at all.  I know there are things I can concentrate on to some extent and that makes it seem less big... but I feel a little unmoored, despite the gravity in the room. 

Makes me want to cry... like someone I love is dying or has died, and the wave of it just hasn't hit me yet. But I am too afraid to find out or do anything different. 

I've had this feeling in the past when I couldn't stop overthinking, or in the middle of the night when I haven't slept enough... or I dunno... but I kind of just want to hide from the pain of it all. Its like dread and the matrix together. 

I dunno... just needed to say it out loud. 

Cant even think much

 

It is Saturday. I am feeling kind of emotionally or physically drained, but not necessarily in a bad way. I hung out with E for like 4.5 hours today. We talked about the past, and the present, and tried to skip planning any kind of future, while saying what we were up for... given our current situation. 

It was the weirdest mix of feelings... I cried a lot, I was relieved. I was comforted. I was reminded I love this person... but also reminded I am not in love with this person. 

It was so odd to feel on the same page again to whatever extent we can be. To have both come to relatively the same conclusions despite spending months apart and not talking. To both be claiming a better place in our lives. I am still worried about her, and I am worried that I will somehow lead her on... but it felt so weird to be near her, it was just so fucking comfortingly familiar. It was having a best friend hanging in my car, out for a walk, eating lunch. It was so easy even though we talked about difficult things. It made me wonder why I wanted to leave. Made me wonder why she wasn't coming home. And then there was also that...

The reality of how our lives are separate now, how much has changed on her end, her family, even Simba not immediately recognizing me, and me not immediately recognizing him. 

There were things that made it feel like an alternate universe, despite the ease of the connection. We walked around her neighborhood. I saw her room. Everything was different. 

My heart let go of a lot of its hurt and its confusion... but it didn't necessarily want to grasp or cling. I am not sure if she did. 

So even though I was crying and confused, and comforted- I also left feeling like... ok, that was closure in a sense. Now whatever new chapter is a new one. 

And now I am back at our home... and its mine. And I am going about my life again, and its fine, not great, not terrible.  I want to be productive, but I don't have it in me. I am doing laundry. I am maybe gonna go to a movie if I can stay awake. 

I have church in the morning, and maybe a coffee chat with folks, and maybe the mayday parade, or maybe just going to Dads for his birthday in the afternoon. And its all ok. It doesn't feel captivating right now, because I am spent... but its ok. 

I don't feel like I am heading towards anything... that part wasn't returned. And its tempting to throw my weight back into it. I could drive up there twice a week. I could get to know her family again. I could  blah blah blah... but I am not sure I want to... I mean I do want to but not the same way.  I don't want to have the life we had when I know it isn't leading to the thing that I had dreamed it would. 

And even though we are both in better places, I don't think a lot of those underlying differences have changed in a way that would make it work. I want to be her friend, I want to have her in my life again. But I don't know what that looks like. And maybe I am still really heartbroken that it didn't work out the first time. Sad for me, I guess. 

Yesterday I had therapy, and went to Costco and tried to do some business stuff. 

Thursday I went to a protest, and the coffee shop and a walk. 

None of it has been as productive as I'd hoped for in terms of the goals I had for these 4 days... but all of it has been really good. Like... I am very appreciative of this life  and the people I've been able to share it with. Whatever the next chapters are... it'd be nice to know what that is... but like... I am grateful.