Is my blue your blue?

Today I was reading about alexithymia, a condition where people seem to experience less feelings, and less ability to empathize with the feelings of others. Often it is associated with autism, those who experienced severe abuse as a child, those with PTSD or who have experienced a stroke or a traumatic brain injury. People with it, have a higher than average rate of substance abuse, eating disorders, self-harm, and a difficulty in romantic relationships. Some say it is a neurological issue. Some say it is a psychological response, a defense mechanism. They say about 10% of the population might have it to some degree.

Today I was reading a book about G-d, our concept of G-d, and what it means to believe in G-d in a world where everyone’s conception of G-d is different. Where a fifth of the world prays to one G-d (Allah), while another chunk claims to serve a different G-d using the same exact stories (Christianity). I wonder what it means to a person with alexithymia, to not know elation, elevation, revelation. To watch as “typicals” experience something so profound, and name it beyond their ability to comprehend, and in so doing match the person with alexithymia’s description –perhaps by accident, because they haven’t the words. And to what extent might the two assume they are experiencing the same thing. And to what extent might they be?

Having read many of the same texts as this author, I haven’t found much to be revelatory. But I like the examples, the stories, the quotes, the histories. They are wonderful reminders of these truths humanity has tried to understand. For instance, that perhaps our idea of trying to capture the truth of G-d and name it, is a form of materialism. That perhaps our jealousy and desire to control G-d, is the same set of natural human traits (and sins) as our desire to control each other, or the land, our implicit jealousy –that act of insecurity –an acknowledgment that our faith is too limited (in ourselves, in G-d, in each other).

As I am reading, I don’t struggle in the same way I once did with this concept that G-d is both bigger than my ability to comprehend, and also personal and knowable. I find it comforting and wish it no other way. But I do struggle every day with the material, personable parallels. I want to name a thing and have it be mine. I want to revel in a feeling and have it be known by others. I want to be acknowledged and admired for things, traits, potential. I want my gifts to go out into the world and in doing so, point back to me –my ego, my lifetime, my impermanent self -encapsulated in this name, this time, this round through. 

Today I was at PRIDE and saw a thousand beautiful faces. I cannot always distinguish between the good and the bad, especially when I am looking for G-d, and sometimes I look for G-d in those who are made in his image. Some people scoff and scorn the celebration of PRIDE. Some say it is good in theory, but too much commercialism, too much nudity, too much pageantry. Today I walked around in the heat, sweat dripping from my forehead, my moistened palms in prayer, humming mantras, reveling in G-d's sacred creation, in the millions of colors and sounds and faces of divinity. 

There is a Sufi explanation of the creation of us -humans. G-d wished to be known. Had he called into being only the stars, and the plants, and the bacteria, he’d have no mirror which saw and projected his omniscience. Had he called into being only humans, then they’d not know his greatness  which each of these other things projects. Lately I’ve been enjoying the idea that G-d created humans with problems so that they’d know themselves. They have to help each other through these problems, grow and adapt in order to know what they are capable of. They have to 'polish the mirror' just to reveal to themselves that they can, otherwise they’ll never know the extent of G-d's blessing. And if they do not know the extent of the blessing, then they cannot reveal the extent of G-d’s greatness. The all knowing all powerful needed you to suffer and overcome, and one day you will overcome, whether it be this round or the next, because G-d only makes perfect things.   

*The story in Christian mythology says that the angel of light pleaded with G-d that humans were unworthy and would inevitably disappoint, in his love of G-d the devil tries to prove it. In that story G-d says that the angel is wrong, that he has faith in humans.