Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

some stuff on life and the abuse of....

to start some lyrics from genesis, not that i think this song is representative of what im trying to say, but rather just anther example of how mixed up in this we all are....

"Well the key to my survival,
was never in much doubt,
the question was how I could keep sane,
trying to find a way out,
Things were never easy for me
peace of mind was hard to find
and I needed a place where I could hide
somewhere I could call mine
I didn't think much about it
til it started happening all the time
soon I was living with the fear everyday
of what might happen that night
I couldn't stand to hear the crying, of my mother
and I remember when
I swore that, that would be the Last they'd see of me
And I never went home again
they say that time is a healer
and now my wounds are not the same
I rang the bell with my heart in my mouth
I had to hear what he'd say
He sat me down to talk to me
he looked me straight in the eyes
he said:You're no son, you're no son of mine
You're no son, you're no son of mine
You walked out, you left us behind
and you're no son, no son of mine
oh, his words how they hurt me,
I'll never forget it and as the time, it went by, I lived to regret it
You're no son, you're no son of mine
but where should I go,
and what should I do
you're no son, you're no son of mine
but I came here for help, oh I came here for you
Well the years they passed so slowly
I thought about him everyday
what would I do, if we passed on the street
would I keep running away
in and out of hiding places
soon I'd have to face the facts
we'd have to sit down and talk it over
and that would mean going back
they say that time is a healer
and now my wounds are not the same
I rang that bell with my heart in my mouth
I had to hear what he'd say
He sat me down to talk to me
he looked me straight in the eyes
he said:You're no son, you're no son of mine
You're no son, you're no son of mine
When you walked out, you left us behind
and you're no son, you're no son of mine
oh, his words how they hurt me, I'll never forget it
and as the time, it went by, I lived to regret it
You're no son, you're no son of mine
But where should I go
and what should I do
You're no son, you're no son of mine
But I came here for help, oh I was looking for
no son, you're no son of mine - ohYou're no son - ha yeah, ha yeah, ha yeah, ha yeahYou're no son, you're no son of mine - oh, oh..."

anyway that song was always hard and yet really nice to listen to...

so the other day i went to tis event on campus called "take back the night"
during this event statistics poetry and stories of abuse are read to the audience and with the understanding that this will eb a respectful and supportive event people tearfully tell of their own accounts, of personal or relative experiences with verbal, physical and sexual abuse. the event the damage the learning and whenever possible the hope for the future. soo many people.... during the event i thought over my own history dealing with forms of abuse, but even more i thought of all my friends who have suffered because of the selfishness of others. the more i thought about it the more despair i felt as i realized how many i had known who had gone through, or are still going through the trauma associated with this enormous problem.

i shared some of this with the crowd...
many more shared with me for the first time that they had suffered as well, and i went home feeling like i could never do enough to help, like i could never break the cycle.

at the end of the event there is supposed to be a march of those who are willing to stand up, and i felt strongly that i was one, and yet the weather (cold and rainy) and the fact that i could no longer see any of my friends around (went home, some too overwhelmed to stay) all that and the fact that i felt like i needed to be alone with my own thoughts and no pressure.... and i scuttled back to the dorm somewhat wishing to be consoled, to vent to scream.
i found a large group of cats in the lounge and felt somewhat angry towards them as they babbled on about complete shite ignorant and shallow and unwilling to empathise with the world i had just experienced.

we wound up talking about the word "bitch" and i hate it, and though i knew their argument had as much to with my saying that women shouldnt have to be afraid of walking down the street i couldnt give it, having thought so much about the example my brother gave me a few years ago this is paraphrased but im gonna use quotes
he said: " one in three women are raped mike "(more likely four to five and still to high)
"pick one of your three best friends and understand why you cant use words like "bitch" anymore." and as i argued that i never used it in a bad way he said " okay you dont mean it, but maybe somebody in the room overhears you and they do mean it that way or they think you mean it that way and so they go on thinking its okay to use it, or okay to abuse women, or ok to teach their children or friends or whatever that its okay to abuse women." this argument stuck with me, and now i fight for it, and its weird cuz those who i would expect to understand hold out the strongest to their pride, their shame, their guilt and hatred, they hold on to their hurt and in not confronting it often support its continuance.

days later i heard of another case, a similar story, shes come to terms with it, but cant say that he was to blame and most definitely wont press charges, and as her name is tainted on campus and as she learns to "joke" about it as if it was funny, to shrug and pretend as if she can move on, i go to try to fix anything i can and find road blocks. "hopefully it was an isolated incident" the school councilor says both of us fulling knowing it isnt.

my friends still make jokes and use the words bitch ho and slut while im not around, my female friends do too. my friends still try to get girls drunk and sometimes they try to take advantage of the situation, my girl friends still find themselves getting/needing negative attention as if they couldnt live without it and chances are they wont be able to find a place where they could....
nobody i know ever reports it, few victims i know have the strength to say they need help, and every person (male and female) goes on thinking they are all alone in a world that could relate too well....