Strange dream, goodness?

 

I had this dream last night, or rather this morning when I should have been waking up to get to work. In the dream me and a girlfriend were touring somewhere. I know there were multiple rooms or complexes, maybe it was a castle or a church and other buildings. There were crowds, there were tour guides, it was hectic. 

At some point we became separated, and although that didn’t bother me in itself, I was worried that she would feel lost. So I looked for her, room to room, place to place, scanning the crowd, trying to get better angles, weaving through. After an hour or so I would say I wasn’t worried, but more motivated... Eventually I checked my phone, and the messages had been coming through inconsistently, but the 2-3 that were there were clearly angry. -

Eventually I found her, and she was furious, had felt abandoned, accused me of running off and enjoying myself etc.. there were tons of texts that hadn’t gone through, she assumed I was intentionally ignoring her -while she was scared or out of place. I tried to calm her down, explain my side, but she wasn’t able to hear it. She was stuck in her own story, and from that place, she was the victim and I was the villain, and she was angry and said abusive things about my character. I stopped her, and said I don’t need to be abused like that and began to walk away. She stopped me, but was still in her story. I felt like I could not accept her story, my experience of myself and my actions was too different, I understood where she was coming from, but it wasn’t my fault and I wasn’t going to take responsibility for her feelings… but I knew that that meant we were not ok.

In another part of the dream I was moving in with a roommate and there was another group (mostly women) living downstairs. The dynamics felt odd, like I was tiptoeing around and wasn’t sure where my space was. 

In a third part of the dream, (I don’t recall the beginning part of this) a friend/roommate became very upset with me. They suggested I was  a bad person and that I wasn’t someone they could deal with anymore. I asked why they believed this, and they pulled out a book of events, like a profile of me, and their experience of my actions. I remember in another part of this dream I had made some admittedly judgmental statements about groups of people, old stereotypes or something… and the person has recorded that, and hundreds of other interactions, basically color coding them into good and bad. They had come to the conclusion that I was bad. I asked them if they were looking for evidence to the contrary, moments of growth or positive. They shared that 6 months ago in a game of hearts or spades I’d shown improvement in my technique and they were impressed, but it felt entirely imbalanced and very subjective. It was like, no matter what I said or did, I’d never be able to convinced this person who I cared about to believe in me. At first I was angry and argumentative, I asked why they hadn’t shared anything, given me the opportunity to redeem myself, or repair. They chalked it up to being objective and allowing me to make my own mistakes to show my character… eventually I just became sad. I remember the recognition that someone I had cared for for years, was basically closing off to me, rejecting me… and I turned to Jessica s, who also knew this person well and said as much… that’s when the dream ended. 

When I woke up, I was a bit panicked because I was going to be late for work. But I also raced to put the dream into context. This book of actions (from another perspective) is basically how I believed G-d judged us when I was young. Not all seeing/ all knowing/ all understanding of intention and heart, but a series of judgments based on actions that we may not even have thought of… and some of which we did know and felt ashamed or embarrassed about or that we tried to make amends for… but without ever knowing if the scales were balanced. 

My mind and my heart are so far away from that now… 99% of the time even if I have those kinds of thoughts, it’s easy to see the gray, believe in grace and the complexity of the human heart and condition. I wouldn’t judge someone for their actions like that, and it’s hard to imagine a god of any kind caring… about such small things. But when I am hurt or disappointed or worried, I know that it comes out as judgment to others… and I am working on that. 

That being said, a tallied list of positive and negatives… too simple.

But in the dream, I also stood up for myself. Wouldn’t allow others to speak to me in anger in ways I would never speak to them. I argued my point, and accepted and grieved the losses when I realized I’d not be able to help someone see me more clearly.

I think this has to do with my step sisters wedding and the guilt and shame I feel for mistreating her when I was younger. I know that I was still in the mindset of good and evil at the time, and that I felt like mistreating her made me evil. She is getting married, and moving forward with her life in all sorts of amazing ways… and I’m still stuck sometimes back in the past.  Though it felt familiar to have gfs be mad at me for abandoning them, and blaming me for their emotions, I think the dream people are likely more just old parts of myself.  Maybe caretaker parts, judging  parts, etc… they want to be heard and I have to let them go to move forward. 

On the other hand, I worried it might be a premonition dream of someone being upset with me and me not being able to help it. Either way…

I think I’m moving forward in life, even though it doesn’t always feel that way. I know that I still have old habits to break, and things I wish were different. Parts of me that wish I’d made better choices in the past, and in the present.  But more… I think I’m coming to accept and love myself, and able to stand up for myself or recognize - not rationalize, but just nod yes, and this too, as I discover myself and my way in the world.

Last day off… till next week ha

 Today I went to an applied kinesiologist and chiro, we talked about fungal overgrowth, pseudo hiatal hernia, gerd, and an inward rotated shoulder. Despite the woo woo of it, I felt seen, heard, understood and supported. I walked out feeling very little anxiety and like the world was mine. Less pain, more mobility in my shoulder, but better than that, I felt hopeful about my body which I was honestly struggling with last week. So that was good. 

I went to Costco and broke my boycott of target, but most was just checking prices for things for the business. 

I decided I can’t really make a decision on the apartment until July and I am thinking I’m gonna end up in the more expensive and less space one, but I keep thinking about how I liked the neighborhood around the other one more. Felt vibrant, more alive, closer to the grocery store, coffee shop attached to the building. So I’m gonna wait and maybe it will cost me both places but it seems like the right move since I’m not willing to pay two extra months… 

I started thinking of things I can get rid of, and things to pack. Started packing a little. 

I took a long nap,  not sure if it’s just the heat but I have been siesta-ing. 

I’m worried the next 6 weeks is gonna be a rollercoaster. I mean, moving everything in and starting the business, packing up and moving to a new place in August, finishing all the paperwork and prepping clients to transition. It feels like a lot. 

There is also grief at every step and it keeps hitting me how I am moving forward but that this isn’t necessarily what I wanted. I guess I’m moving forward for the possibility of finding what I want. But it’s hard. I moved a chair from one room to another preparing to take it out to the garbage… and decided I wasn’t ready. So many plans, so many little things, plus I have weeks. 

And technically with the moving I have more time than with the current work/business stuff. But in some ways it feels the most tangible - and less decisions. Just what stays what goes. And is there a home for that? And if not, out. 

But I’m aware of both my alone-ness and loneliness all the time. 

This week is 4 days of work. Not totally packed but fairly busy (18-19 clients). Plus Ali’s rehearsal dinner, and wedding on Saturday. I’m nervous to be around all the people… not sure what I am wearing yet. I should probably ask. 

But also it feels like it’s gonna be hot all week, so maybe a button up is already overdoing it. 

Next week is another week off (only working 1.5 days).  Have my spinal appointment, plus an appointment with a tax guy. I think that will help a bit with the business. 

Ok. Time for reading and bed. 

Friday in June

This will be 3 or 4 topics I think. 

So lets start with preparation and change:

Today is my second day off in a row. I've been taking more time off because I have to use up my PTO before I quit, apparently they don't pay out... which feels illegal, but oh well. Yesterday I woke up early and ran to my office for a delivery of furniture. I don't quite know the wifi password, and didn't have much to do there after the stuff was delivered, so I ran to menards and grabbed a few things. I also set up some visits for apartments in the area. Then I took a long nap in the afternoon, and then walked the lake with my Dad. Today I visited office depot looking at desks... and considered what other things I need (didn't buy anything). I also visited three different apartment buildings, and I think narrowed it down to two of the 4 I have been to. I compared things like the overall vibe, the size and costs, and the surrounding area. All of the apartments are significantly smaller than the one I am living in. Some might even be smaller than my previous apartment, but with much better perks. Do I want that? need that? I dunno. 

The whole process of considering moving has been weird. I want to live closer to my new office for 3 basic reasons. 1) I want a change of environment. 2) I want to be able to walk to work. 3) I don't want to be stuck in traffic everyday... My office is in the heart of the city, and regardless of what direction you come from, that could mean traffic. I have sort of lucked out the last few days and its only hit on the way home (an extras 10 minutes), but I was avoiding actual rush hour traffic. The office is back in a semi industrial looking area, some of the spaces have been turned into businesses, and cool murals and stuff... but there is still heavy trucks driving in and out, and big lots, and warehouses... and if I am honest... I am wishing I hadn't signed a lease there.... but its only for a while, and then I can move to another place. 

I am trying to have the same attitude about the apartments. I don't want to live in a dump, and I don't really know the area well enough to know which neighborhoods are better than others...  They have all these old buildings that have been retrofitted into new apartments (similar to how my office was remade from an industrial building)... and then they also have a lot of bigbox "luxury" apartments.  And of course tons of the old smaller, crummier looking ones that I lived in when I was growing up -and which I don't really want anymore. 

No matter what, it feels like a stepdown from where I am. Certainly not a step up to a new house... but when I was looking at houses last fall I was worried there would be too much space and that I didn't have enough stuff -now, its not enough space and I have to get ride of half my stuff. I was eyeballing my current apartment and realized all the spaces I've been looking at, are basically half the size for more money. So then it starts to matter what the amenities and the area are like... the first place I looked at was alright... but there isn't a lot of green space over there, and there isn't a pool. The second, tucked back into a neighborhood, more green, but a little too grandma-y... Meaning I think my grandma would have admired the decor of the shared spaces. The third was maybe the one I like the most?  or maybe its too noisy  and too young? but it has a coffee shop, and is closer to the green areas of the neighborhood, and has a working pool, and is closer to the grocery store (like I walked to it easily).  The 4th had people who looked like me, was even closer to my new office (and across the street from a place I'd like to be my office). It overlooks a park, or the pool area... its more expensive but had cool features like a pool table and darts, and a creative space where you can paint.  It felt like a mix of the classy and great perks, but the actual apartments were smaller and felt a little BRO-y.  (MAYBE because we visited one apartment that was still being lived in, and the guy hadn't cleaned or anything so it felt gross). 

Its funny to go through these places... its like the intro to a new hostel, here are the amenities, check out is at 10... we keep your id at the front desk.  I worry about the costs... but really I will be fine as long as I can see around 20 clients a week. (which I haven't been consistently, but maybe I will again when its my space).

The third and the 4th apartments are basically the ones I am choosing between, but either way it means I have to cut down on my stuff. And suddenly I am realizing how much I have accumulated and how it holds some weird sentimental value (or is tied to E) and I feel weird getting rid of it... but also, I don't need it.  I guess thats the thing that is weirding me out, I realized this afternoon that I had this weird attachment to stuff I don't even care about. Like the tv I haven't turned on in months... why do I have that?  the couch that I rarely sit on (maybe because I don't watch the tv)... I can get rid of half the couch, I don't need to keep it all.  THe books and extra book cases? The random furniture I inherited from her, when she found it on facebook marketplace? But then there is also my collections... Why am I holding onto books I'll never read again? CDs I rarely listen to? Musical instruments I never touch? Why am I holding on and having a hard time letting go of stuff that means nothing to me in my current phase of life. Some of it was free, some of it was gifts, some of it was refitted by E, and because it became our home... I am realizing I grew attached to the shape of it in my space. But I need to make a new home, for a new me.  I am 41 and by the time next lease is up, I'll be 42 or more... what do I want my 40s to contain?

SO thats the thing with this new apartment. I am not moving there because its the next triumph, but just the logical progression... I am moving because I am ready for a change, and it won't be perfect. I may not even like it, but its a step forward and I can decide what I do and don't like as I go, rather than feeling stuck in the past.  I can use the apartment gym rather than paying for a gym membership. I can get to know a new grocery store and a new area of town. I can try different restaurants and figure out who I am in this next chapter of my life... and that will be good. 

So basically in August of 2025 I am expecting to have a new job (my own business) and a new apartment... and to some extent a new* same life.

So what are my goals by next year?

• I want to feel successful in my business, a caseload of between 20-25 weekly. 
• I want to feel like I can start taking on the next challenge in work, whether thats groups, or classes, or workshops or whatever. 
• Maybe do a spiritual direction course?
• I want to either have a community in my office space, or be moving to one that feels good.
• I want to be financially ok... maybe even be saving money.  Like an extra 10k would be great.
• I would like to be more confident and have a system for admin issues... so that I am handling the business, and when I outsource, I know what to expect and why. 

•  I want to feel healthier (not pre-diabetic), more capable and trusting of my body. I think this may require a new gym routine, maintaining a new diet, and potentially getting a personal trainer or something. Right now I would say my trust and confidence in my health is probably a 2 or 3/10. Despite walking around a bunch today, I felt very weak in my arm and it just kills my whole trust in my ability to be ok.
• It will also mean following up with whatever happens medically re: my arm, diet, etc. this summer.
• I think a good indicator would be how comfy I am taking off my shirt to go swimming in one of these apartment pools. 

• I want to have a sense of community, not just friends that I see all individually. I think I need to start having dinner parties again, game nights, art nights.
• I will be involved in at least 1 thing per week outside of work/church.
• I want to keep going to church. 

• I would like to spend more time being creative, and less time passively taking in media. 
• Ideally I would like to be in a relationship, but I don't want that to be a reason to practice self care, I want to take care of myself, and then add someone in when it feels like a good fit. 
• I would like to feel more spiritual/trusting of the universe.

I think I need to break some of these goals down so that they become a specific effort I am working toward.

Potential other things... travel? EU5? Protesting the fascists? Volunteering?  My old goals... be able to have a conversation in spanish (working on it), a cd or book of poems, or a book, 6/7 continents. a painting in a public space or gallery

So many things that don't really matter, but matter or mattered to me. But I am caught by the realization that achieving them won't mean much to me. Like a painting in a gallery would feel good for a moment, but likely I'd be self-conscious and downplay it. and then when it was over, it would be something that I did one time, but like who cares?  I think the cd/book thing is a little bit longer... but then it sits on shelves, and then what? Achievements are kind of an odd thing.  I would like to do these things because I feel driven and enjoy doing them, and when I am doing them sometimes it helps to have a goal... but accomplishing the thing in itself isn't the end goal, its to move someone or create a legacy... and I guess I am less concerned with that than I used to be. 

It was funny the last time I traveled because I didn't have a class to consider reporting these things I was learning to... and I didn't have E by my side to share with. And I knew my work wouldn't be impacted by time in Eastern Europe... so I felt like it was fairly meaningless despite enjoying learning and seeing new things. Another country added to the list, but no story to tell, no connection formed, no weight of it...

I think the realizations of how much has changed... makes me want to do more thinking about my future... but I also have a lot of little logistical things to figure out just to make the first few steps of moving and starting the business a reality. I have to get rid of shit from my apartment!

But what I mean is that in some ways I feel like I lost what I was trying to move toward. With E, I had a vision even if it was full of crazy variables... and crazy making ones too. We were gonna have a house, and have kids, and I was gonna have a small business to support us, and maybe she would end up homeschooling them... and it was weird because I always thought I'd be the one who homeschooled the kids, but it was something... and now, I am not sure what I am going toward, or rather I need to figure out what I am about  -in this world. Prior to her, I had a small place and I was part of a team, and I was learning to be a therapist after training in social work, after learning social work because teaching required more skills.  Now I feel like I am a therapist, and I can relearn to do social work when I need to, and I can teach if I want... and why did I get into this? 

Then it goes back further...  I had three options, a teacher, a socialworker/therapist, a preacher... what was the goal? to help, to make the world a better place.... and why?  because I didn't feel good about myself, and I didn't want others to feel that way... and the world was awful and I wanted it to be better - and what has changed  -well, a lot.  I don't feel the same NEED to help anymore, I enjoy it, and I am 'good' at it, so I offer my skills and my strengths. But I don't NEED to. I know it doesn't change the world, and I no longer believe I will change the world in some huge way... I will just play my part, and after all it pays the bills. I care about people. I want to help, but I don't NEED to.   I have to trust that they will figure it out, and that I am just along for the journey and it feels good and meaningful... but it doesn't drive me the way it used to.  I used to feel like I had to learn everything in order to be good... now I know stuff, and I know I'll fuck up too and its ok.  And as for me, I feel good. I like myself. I don't really feel like I need to CHANGE who I am... I like who I am, and I want to be the best me, but I am not beholden to some old idea that I HAVE to be some type of way in order to redeem myself. And as for the mission of saving the world... well, best laid plans and it will still go awry, and I have learned to acknowledge that -even if I can't always accept it fully. I am learning to smile at the chaos a little, even while it breaks my heart. I don't have some profound message for the universe, a billion have tried and it hasn't shifted anything except maybe that it's made all of us a little more self-centered thinking we were the special one... I'm not Jesus. I am not that special. The world will continue with or without me, and that is the most beautiful.  I feel more wise in my stupidity now... I feel like I look back at those times of certainty and shake my head at my youthful ignorance. It was cute, a child pushing back at the universe.

I love writing my book, but that also doesn't pay the bills, and I can't maintain the level of drive I need to in order to finish it... so it will come along when it does. I'm not stricken by the voices of the angels or the demons like Mohammed. 

Other creative projects, sure, when I have the time. Organizing and building... yeah, if it suits me... but what I am driven by? What is my overarching goal now?  I dunno. I don't want to be free of it all - like the Buddha... I may avoid suffering but I also embrace it.  But I also don't feel the vitality I used too... I miss the passion, even if it was childish. Maybe I need more laughter yoga in my life, more improv... creative silliness for its own sake, flirting for the sake of flirting... baby Krishna  you know?

Anyway, I don't know what it is anymore... I think I am pursuing the thing in front of me, but without some overarching goal... or at least not beholden to it, the way I was...

and I think the last thing about all this future talk... is that I am still grieving this idea that I won't have kids. Or maybe won't. I never really expected that as an outcome... I guess I fantasized about being the wise monk or prophet, hermit in the hills, but not really. I assumed that would happen after I had a half dozen wandering the world.   SO I think despite my goal of wanting to take care of my self first... I think it is part of the reason I feel so lost in terms of the overall direction. If its not to have kid and a family? then what is it for?   I work with older folks, some with kids and some with out. Having children is of course no guarantee of assurance in old age... plenty of children apparently abandon their parents... but to be old and alone is not something I aspire to... I mean, it happens... and I am alone now and happy some of the time... but I don't know that I want to stay this way. 

There is still profound grief weaving its way through me.  

And who knows, maybe I'll meet someone tomorrow and have a baby or a step child in a year.  But I dunno...

My wrists are hurting... 

So I guess last thing. 

The other day, an insight gave me some relief.  

The insight was that maybe I do actually see people's true self/their potential/their soul or spirit  -and then I mistake this life journey for the whole thing... like, their soul has chosen this life and all its limitations and burdens, and maybe those of us who see potential are seeing the larger soul and getting it confused. Maybe it isn't wrong, its just not helpful in a life, it only adds torment for everyone involved because they cannot be their whole soul self on this plane... if they could, they wouldnt be here to have this journey. Seeing G-d in all, doesn't mean they can be G-d in a human life time... 

and thats good.. its ok. Its beautiful even...  but don't get lost. 

Curious

I’m sitting at the caribou by Whole Foods. Reading the LET THEM theory, sipping an americano though it will probably keep me up all night.

My horoscope and tarot videos said today is a good day for love,  but I’m not talking with anyone… yet

I wasn’t in the mood to go to church, not really in the mood to be social honestly. I went to a graduation party yesterday and met with Rachel on Friday for a few hours. 

The level of social anxiety I have is pretty high sometimes… maybe I do need pills. 

Had an MRI yesterday and it went better than I worried. Not expecting anything major in the results, but spending the weekend noticing my pain and discomfort doesn’t feel the best. My hips, my back, my arm, wrists, my feet and legs. Nothing feels quite right. I guess that’s what I get for eating Chinese food and tons of sugar all night. 

As I was walking painfully around the lake, I started thinking I should address this stuff. Maybe minimally more lemon water? Maybe I need a glass pitcher for cucumber water? Less salt in my food, less sugar after. I know what I need to do to get in better shape, but do I have the motivation and the discipline? Not sure. 

The MRI thing was a wake up call, but also I don’t think it will show the thing they were worried about, what isn’t shown, is that I’m slowly killing my body and if I want to have a healthy life, that will need to change at some point.

One of the reasons I want to live closer to my new office. 

Additionally, 

Was thinking a lot about my mindset, and how I have to get back to the try something for a bit and see, rather than the “is this what I want in my life forever?” Mindset. 

I was thinking where is the kid who traveled to Europe by himself at 18? Why do I feel more fearful when actually I have so much more security than that guy. 

The business will happen when it happens. The apartment can be another experiment for a year and then move to the next thing. 

It’s all

Ok.

I spent part of the weekend worrying about martial law being declared in LA, but the more I hear details the less scary it sounds. 300 national guard of a totally of a few thousand have been called in. The rhetoric is way bigger than the bite. But I guess we will see.

Not sure what is next tonight. Spanish, apartment hunting? Gaming? Check my schedule for the week? It feels like it’s gonna be a lot of people, but I haven’t had that many the last few weeks. I don’t know what I’m looking for…  

Rachel

Introduced me to an exercise called MVP minimum viable product, reminding me that the launch doesn’t have to be perfect, it has to be viable then you add. 

I think that’s a better strategy than I have been considering. I need to shift my mindset for a lot of stuff. 

Not feeling very present, is that the pain, waking up late, gaming all night? Who knows.

I keep feeling like I should be reaching out to E, but the book reminds me that adult friendships require energy, proximity and timing, and I think that doesn’t necessarily fit our lives right now. So maybe I also just need to give the space, and reach out when I have energy, not a feeling that I should be. 

Not sure what else to say… hard to plot a life forward when you’re not sure what you want. But oh well, take it a day at a time, be appreciative, it’s a good life. 

Joon

Its been a very chill weekend. 

I took some THC stuff on Friday and it was a basic body high, watched the movie Twisters... went to bed. 

Saturday I got all my chores done, groceries, laundry, went for a walk, did some reading. 

Today was church, walked to a different coffee shop than normal, did some reading, looked at apartments online. 

I looked at a few documents and things for the business but didn't really follow through on anything there. The lack of excitement and motivation has had me worried, but I am wondering if I am making it too big of a deal. Maybe I just need to make it smaller in scale, one step at a time. Like, look at the website. Consider a bio. Put the address on the website... kind of thing. 

Maybe I need to set a date for the end of work. July? August at the latest. 

I've been wondering if I should try to get an apartment before then -so that I have proof of income. I  might need to pull some from the stocks, I've been trying to spend my money on the business, but I don't really have any savings in my regular accounts. 

Perception is the biggest part of motivation, and I have not been perceiving myself as knowing what to do... but maybe I do know, and I am just afraid to do it?

It's been an odd year so far... finishing 5 months I guess, mostly feeling stuck but also making small steps that will eventually lead to something.  Attending church. Seeing friends more frequently than last year. Starting to exercise again I guess...  (the shoulder pain thing has been really hard lately). Not talking to E, and now talking with her once every week or two again. 

Life feels very up in the air, mid transition, and I wonder if having some dates would make it more real.

Furniture in my office June 19th, maybe the whole office sorted by the end of the month. Maybe I can go there to practice the EHR, and the website and the making new friends...

The tarot video I am watching right now is basically saying in June you will notice and recognize the distance between you and the past, but it will shake you up even though you saw it coming... is that with E or is that with work?  or is that with this life path I have been on, that maybe I don't want to be on? I dunno...

Spiritual Direction might be the next thing I take on.

Travel?  Of course I want to, but I want to when things feel settled and good, and I am not trying to escape. I want to with a partner, when I have a direction and a goal again.

I dunno...  I was walking home today and wondering why my energy had dropped and I think I realized I was grieving again, grieving the feeling of having something stable, a direction to move in... even if it was false, and I was half in, half out... it felt like something. Now I am directionless again... to some extent. When I get to that place I have to enter drama in order to remind myself. Be a little angry... be a little pissy, a little selfish. 

I have been wondering if I am depressed. I think the pain and body stuff is impacting me more than I am wanting to admit. Its not necessarily changing my habits.  I have an MRI next Saturday, hopefully they say some physical therapy or something, and not a tumor. I had another one of those, what if... moments today... escape fantasy?  Wanting things to be clarified by death? It makes me feel empathetic towards folks with chronic pain including E.  

I keep having all these strange worries... something bad is gonna happen.

I dunno... not a lot of clarity, but I think my perception is making it hard to move forward so let me change that. In the day to day I feel a lot of clarity and purpose. I am able to accomplish my goals and take small steps towards the future goals. Nothing extreme... I am a tortoise. I am embracing my tortoise self.

There was a bird trapped on our porch today. I put out some nuts and water, I was worried it would die of dehydration. I don't think it accepted my gifts. I am hoping it made its way home... but I am also worried it just died in an inaccessible place. 

At church today they did a glitter blessing. It was so simple and so silly... but it was nice. 

Ok... a little more reading... maybe a tv show, then sleep. 

Maybe its not depression, maybe just too much sunlight. 

Part 2

 After some reading a lot of crying…. I guess I have come to the conclusion that it’s hard not to live in the past and the future when the present doesn’t feel so great. It’s fine, but it’s not life giving. 

I think today was a lot harder than I realized because E and I were both talking about our futures and we weren’t included in one another’s. When we talk of the past there is a shared connection point, but she tells me about her week or what is coming up and I can appreciate it, sometimes I even have insider information, but I’m not scheming to make myself part of it. 

I talked about moving on from this apartment, and in my dreaming of the future, fail to mention how hard it is to let go of dreams, memories, stories. She says she misses this place that she was so desperate to get away from, that she said she’d never come back to basically. That she misses our room, that she likes my bookshelves, that she likes the high ceilings and natural light, and all I can do is intellectualize because it feels like such a mixed message, and in it is a level of betrayal for our shared goals and dreams… and I’m kind of like, I’m so glad you’re doing better, but why couldn’t you do this then?  And I have to acknowledge it’s because we weren’t meant to be together, and it makes me wonder why she feels like home then? And also why I’m not trying to make it happen. Why I’m avoiding looking at her. Why I pull away from touch. 

Why do I dread leaving this place -because I’ll not have those memories or dreams anymore. Why can’t I move forward and not be so pained by the loss? 

I tell her I need to get rid of stuff, but I feel bad because some of it is still hers, and I don’t say out loud, I’m holding this for you because I love you and want you to have stuff that was meaningful, and she says throw it out. And I’m reluctant. I hesitate because I think she is being impulsive, and she thinks I’m being anxious and controlling, and worrying over nothing. In her words she says she doesn’t have the attachment to it, maybe never did… but I remember a dream or a goal she had once and I want to honor it… I want to honor all the dreams that I have to let go. I have to let it go. 

I still have the fucking pregnancy test. She wanted to throw it out, and I didn’t. I want to hold onto it like some sort of momento? Why? 

Because I dreamed we’d have a kiddo, and it terrified me, but made me realize how much I wanted it. And how much I was willing to grow for it… and then it wasn’t. So now what? 

I’m so in love with my pain and suffering, and also so desperate to get away from it. I keep thinking about this idea of getting on anxiety meds, and like… ok but then will I have a reason to pray 5-10 times a day? A reason breathe, to ground, to practice gratitude, to reassure myself? Will I wrestle with the heaviness of stuff or will it all be so easy that I don’t have to… and then on the flip side, what if I didn’t have to? And what if it meant I stopped avoiding all the hard things? And what if it meant I could move forward more easily without worrying so damn much about every little thing and making it all so heavy when it’s just stuff. It’s just baggage. 

I’m so fucking sentimental and I don’t even realize it. I want to honor every little thing, and then of course a day later I don’t care about anything and it’s all so easy to throw.   

I know I know I know based on all the past stuff that this will get easier, that some day I won’t be bowled over in tears, that I won’t even think about any of it that often, and that time will help. And distance and a new environment and all of that… but it’s so heavy sometimes. I am such a creature of habit, I always want to take my old with me into the new… and I ask why I can’t? 

Can’t I hold it all?

I should just get rid of half my stuff and get a 1 bedroom apartment again. Start over. No trophies. No reminders. Blank slate. 

I didn’t realize how much I was grieving this weekend. Seeing friends and preparing for a future, when none of us know what we are doing. And none of us are able to reassure. I didn’t realizing how much is changing, and how I wasn’t able to be present to myself or the things… and now I keep crying every five minutes and I’m not sure how I’ll get to sleep without distracting myself again and the cycle repeats. Maybe I’ll just exhaust myself with heartache… maybe I have already. Maybe it’s ok. 

Emotions don’t last very long. I can welcome them. I can wish them well when they go. I can trust in a greater truth, and know there is connection even when I feel disconnected. I can believe in that… probably just too much sun, and that old familiar feeling of coming home and not feeling held. 

Thanks heart, you’re trying so hard. I got you. 

Mellow

 

It is memorial day 2025. Around 8pm, a Monday obvi. 

The birds are still chirping outside and the sun has not quite made its bed yet.

I spent a good portion of the day with E out at Taylors Falls, hiking both sides of the river. Both of us rejecting the fish fry at my Mom's favorite fish and chips place because it tastes like pickles... and that is GROSS.

This weekend has felt odd. I've been surrounded by friends and alternatively head first in a computer game. Staying up too late and accidentally sleeping in too late as well. 

I did a lot of walking, probably got my 10k steps each day, but also a lot of heavy eating (Benihana with Jessica, Applebees with Illy, Taco bell after seeing Rachel). 

For such a social weekend, I don't feel very fulfilled. 

I spent a portion of today and yesterday wondering why it was so hard to feel grounded, or in the moment, or appreciative. I mean I can, with effort, and I enjoyed seeing all my friends, but I didn't feel happy this weekend. Didn't feel overcome by joy, or awe... I had a few moments of delight, but it was hard to connect to my body, and hard to connect to the present... and I guess thats what I have been feeling. 

The moments of excitement were primarily spent thinking about a new apartment, or enjoying the sunshine... but maybe too much?  Maybe I got burned and my body is recovering from the radiation? 

I dunno.  

After being around E for 4 hours, and her not needing me, and not feeling like I had to do anything, I drove home wondering why I wasn't feeling much... then I got home to my quiet empty apartment (so much stuff, so little I want to engage with), and I felt very sad. Very alone and empty. 

Part of it is recognizing how much has changed between us, wondering still if there is something that will reignite the spark. She asked me if I have feelings still, and I can't deny that I was looking forward to seeing her again for several days of last week, but at the same time, I am not trying to direct my life in a way that would bring us back together. 

It's not even that I spent the weekend talking about others stuff, I actually spent a lot of time talking about my own, and the direction I was going, and the things I was looking forward to, and at the same time, all of it feels kind of empty. It's like looking for a house, or furniture, or starting a business or whatever... all for yourself... and why?

I spent a lot of time last week getting sad and angry about politics and the hurt politicians will cause... and nothing changed... this weekend I have spent a lot of time indulging in distraction and avoidance and nothing changed... I made plans to move ahead, I saw my friends, everything is fine. 

But I am sad. I think I am really sad. 

I think I feel really alone even though I saw 4 friends this long weekend. Things feel kind of meaningless. I think I was looking forward to having time off, and after spending several days -I realized how desperate I am to not be alone with the silence. 

Its one thing in the woods, when it gets quiet and you listen to the birds and its nice. Its another thing when its your refrigerator humming, and you don't know what to do with yourself. 

I feel like my heart was locked up all weekend, and I didn't know how or want to access it... numb. And it sucked. 

I have so much to be thankful for... so much that is beautiful... so many opportunities... but I just want to go to bed. 

I think thats my conclusion... that I had a wonderful weekend, but it was dulled down by feeling like I couldn't be with it. 

There is a lot more to say, different little avenues, but I am not sure I care for the thoughts that are coming out. It'd probably be better to cry than to sit and dwell.

4 days this week, and it seems like it will be pretty easy. Doctor appointment on Thursday, maybe an art thing on Wednesday... Nothing wrong. 

Mid-ish May

 It’s a Tuesday morning, it is raining (will be all week I guess). I am at spyhouse, there is something beautiful playing, but I don’t know the artist. Sounds a little like Haley Bonar (on some songs).

I’ve been mostly good, maybe a little down with the weather. I am not sure how I am actually, as I haven’t been doing a lot of journaling, and haven’t spent a lot of time analyzing myself the way I might normally. Instead distracting, or staying busy with productive stuff.

Over the weekend I bought furniture for the new office and got the key last week. It’s still weeks or months away, but starting to feel real. Slowly. 

I had a dream last night that I was laying in the lap of a friend, who was shirtless. People were talking about us, wondering if we had coupled up. I was wondering that too. I asked, if we were to date, would it ruin our friendship, and she replied, that’s why we have never dated or something to that extent. But I was in love and wanting more. 

In the light of day, or rather the gray and rainy gloom of a Tuesday, I am not even sure who this friend is - a mix of people and maybe some enhancements? But I wish I had that feeling again. New love mixed with comfort, mixed with lust, mixed with an “us against the world” feeling. 

It’s gonna be a long day at work, 7 clients, late night. I’m already thinking I might as well get fast food after. 

The day will be gone by the time I am done here, is all I mean.  Lately sometimes that’s how work feels, not a part of life, but the thing I do between life. Which is a reversal of how I spend my energy most of the time.

I think it’s because I want to move forward into something new, and feel held back. Like the perpetual waiting game. And a 9 hour work day is certainly a barrier to life. That itself is one of the things I’m looking forward to being different, my time will be mine. The effort will have direct pay off, and if I want to go to work or stay home, either way I get to decide. And if I want to run errands, or have a few hours off, I don’t have to feel beholden to someone else’s policies to stay within compliance. 

I suppose that is also a fear, the structure and routine and isolation will all be mine to figure out. I’ve been to the office twice and both days it seemed quiet. No one walking around, no doors open. I am looking for collective vibes, not cloister vibes. And what if I can’t find that? Then I’ll need to create my own new environment. 

Join more classes maybe. Do some networking which I’m afraid of doing too early, because right now I can’t run out for lunch easily, but maybe in July?

It feels like July is when I will be opening. Maybe August even… but who knows. 

My mom has told me she’ll pay for a vacation with her. I should take her up, but who wants to travel in the gross heat of summer? 

My health is ok. I can tell I am struggling in certain areas. My shoulder and left arm, fucked up some sort of nerve.not sure how to help that heal, but it might be time I go to the doctor. My stomach… for awhile it was doing better, but I ate a hell of a lot of sugar last night. Not sure why either, just kept eating. 

I’ve been trying to walk more, trying to get sunlight when I can. But I am not exercising or walking or anything. Gonna get air/stand desk, but will that help? Or will I leave it in the sit position all the time…

Self fulfilling prophecy. 

Last week in therapy I considered briefly whether I should be on anxiety meds to take the day to day edge off. I decided no, after the session, but in session she challenged me on why I think I need the overthinking… good question?

E and I talked and walked over the weekend. Similarly, noticing parts of self.  It’s been a bit difficult to reconcile just how easy it is to hang with her, and the recognition that I had come to in the past - that that isn’t enough.  It’s a little like dating. But also, we spend at least half the time talking about the past. I am inspired by the work she is doing for herself. It brings me hope, but also I dunno. Weird to feel some comfortable,  and still want more. Maybe I’m greedy. Maybe I’ve been downplaying my needs?

I’m trying to practice honesty without attaching to the impacts. Speak my truth, you know?

Speaking of truth, I’ll probably get to reading in a moment. Started a new book, and rereading some Khalil Gibran, I forgot how much that book resonates with me. In some ways, it feels like I’ve been growing into it, like it’s been guiding me. I am amazed by how brilliant it is. How it feels beyond wise - transcendent to me.  If I could hold it… 

But for now in this life, a little bite at a time. A hunger. A satiation, a turning toward and away. 

I need to stop believing to need to be something other than what i am. Sometimes I’m there. Sometimes, I am there on one level and not another.