Sunday the last day of August 2025

I am outside at Dogwood, its hot and probably too sunny, but also too loud to think inside.

I woke up late after a difficult night of sleep, between the tacobell I ate at 10:30, the mosquito and my general feeling of being awake even when I was asleep, it just kept seeming like I was never gonna be fully out. Then this morning, when I was meaning to wake up at 8, suddenly it was 9:30, suddenly 11. I missed church. It was the Harriet bandshell one… that I hadn’t really wanted to go to until the shooting in south Minneapolis- when suddenly it seemed important to have community, to be part of something.

So then it was 11:30 and I was getting out of bed feeling somewhat groggy, and my apartment seemed a mess and nothing was getting done.

So I spent till 3ish, doing laundry, prepping salad ingrdients putting up the hammock on the deck, decorating a touch, putting things in their right place, paying bills… getting my life in order as it were.

Then by 3 pm I started to feel like I could move forward with the week… what was left to do?  Write 3 poems for the weekend I’d basically lost steam. Work on the website. Do some paperwork.  All doable, and some needn’t be at home. So I trecked out, on this sunny day… and now I am here and sipping an americano, and not sure what to say.

All the tarot readings and the song I’ve head in my head all day speak of choices. Two directions, which will you choose?  I am not ever sure what my options are, except that there is a safe option and challenging one that promises more success ultimately.

“two points for honesty, it must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all…”

So what do I care about? And what choice do I really have?

I was reading “everything is tuberculosis” and he described a transman doctor in the early 1900s, who was kicked out of town after town, but introduced xrays, and I wondered how much good this person did by spreading this knowledge, despite the circumstances.  Its not that we do the thing we set out to do initially, but how we maintain and move forward despite the circumstances.

This weekend, I know I accomplished all my chores, but I don’t feel very accomplished. I am wrestling with how do I slow down again? Or how to I affect the changes I am looking to make? And I am not sure about either of those.

I seem to have paths before me, but none of them seem obvious, and the partnership I’ve been promised doesn’t seem apparent. Submission, acceptance, letting go… even these flowing states, I am not sure what I am supposed to be letting go?

The business is beginning and its going well so far. I need more clients but I am not in a dire situation as long as insurance eventually kicks in. I have a few things I need to clarify and work through… but my hope that by October everything is heading in the right direction feels right. Got a consult group for once a month. Setting up some meet and greets at the office. Not really using the pool or the gym much at the apartment but its ok.

So what are the next steps?  I keep coming back to things like -spiritual direction, the book, workshops and teaching, taking a class, getting trained… maybe planning a trip. All things I’ve done, all things that would be good, but none of them is like clearly THE path.

This whole school shooting the other day briefly made me wonder about doing something political re: gun violence. But its funny, I can’t imagine doing the therapy work there, because I am too pissed myself. It’s been hard even when my clients are struggling with it. Yes, its good for passion, but not great for thoughtful ways of proceeding.

Yesterday went to Crosby farm with Aryn and talked for basically 4 hours, walked in the woods for part of that. She is beginning the school year and rolling with all the stupid decisions the district has made… trying to be creative, trying to push back where she can. Its good work. It seems fun, but also I am sort of glad to be out of that system.

The previous few days talked with Schultz a lot -during bedtime which is odd. About guns and our lives, and our history of not being chaperoned when we were young for better and worse. It was really lovely to connect. I love her.

I think maybe that’s the difficult thing. I don’t know where to put my love, other than work. I am trying to do the self care self love thing, and its hard and feels especially hard when I am stressed and uncertain.  Haven’t eaten the best lately (see taco bell, donuts, cookies, candy, chocolate)… but also lots of salads and fruit. Not all bad I guess. I say this while I am considering getting baklava on the way home.

I went to the local Costco, and a new cub. Exploring a bit. Saw the new Ford plant area which is weird and suburb like, a development neighborhood… feels a little like it will be gated. Maybe would have been where grandma went to live.

I like the apartment and the office, and the business and not taking things too seriously. I could see myself being content, but I want somewhere to put my passion and my love.

I want it to feel meaningful and spiritual… and despite the spiritual direction thing seeming like a way of doing that, it also feels a little like I am just doing it to feed my spirit and not really for anything specific. A place where someone else can give me direction, and guide, rather than me making all the decision.

 

What poems am I gonna write?

It’s a good challenge, but its starting to feel unhelpful and more  guilting. When I have no thoughts, no muse, or Im scared of it not being what I want. Whats the point?

Maybe that’s my practice of submitting…

Opening opening opening…

This desire to say yes, but not know what to say yes to.

****

I walked along the road to Fresh Thyme, and back eating cantaloup with a baguette. I felt like I was traveling, free and wild, and nothing but my own agenda. The sky was blue. The air was clean. It was relatively quiet despite the cars and the greenline... I wonder why even in the midst of everything feeling ok, I can't quite settle. I can appreciate, but I am still wondering ... 

Its funny because how many of those times in europe or south america, was I wandering around with nothing, appreciative, but bogged down by deep worry, not afraid. Just in my head. Spiraling, talking to myself, talking to others in my head... I think of my trips as these beautiful periods of getting away, but allthewhile I am an antsy motherfucker. I've got a pint of orange juice and a baguette, and I am roaming the streets looking free like a gazelle on the plains... and just as anxiously.  

What next, what next, what next... I wonder if I will ever get past that. I'll be on my deathbed wondering what next... and hopefully grateful and curious, but still getting ahead of myself. Everyone around me hoping to have me present... never knew how. 

9:32

Thats the time when I started.

Ive been trying to write poetry every day. One poem a day kind of thing. I am technically on day 4, but messed up yesterday so wrote the poem I was thinking about this morning. 

Now I owe myself another. I don't know if I will make it or not. I haven't had very strong feelings or insights today. This morning I was feeling very optimistic but then I went to physical therapy and rushed to my first and only appointment and didn't have any time to have a second or third cup of coffee. I was noticing that I was somewhat irritable and kind of feeling lazy and knew it was because I needed some caffeine so I made a deal with myself that I would leave work and be productive elsewhere. 

So I went home for lunch -assuming I'd do paperwork in the afternoon and then have a nice evening. Instead I ate lunch and took a nap till like 4:30. Woke up feeling guilty that I'd wasted the day. So I made another deal with myself, get some work done, check a few things off your list and then walk to raising canes and back, and then do the rest of your work... which I did. So I am feeling more accomplished now... but still somewhat behind. 

Physical therapy went well, and the exercises are definitely helping me regain mobility and strength. The lady concurred that I should not be using the gym yet, which takes some pressure off. 

I'm averaging about 15 appointments a week and I need to get that up to 20 minimum within about a month. I am hoping to eventually be between 20-26 per week, which at times will feel really full, but will allow me to save money and not worry, and having a retirement account and what not. 

I still have about 5 clients that told me they want to follow but either haven't called or responded to emails (I assume it went to their junk mail). They have my contact information. I need to remind myself that most people are trying to enjoy the end of their summer, and may not be on my schedule. I am planning on opening up my waitlist... or whatever. I mean, just not have one.

Last night I went to the first of the new consult group. D and A were the folks I knew, she invited three others. Two of them do completely different jobs (school social work, and VA social work), she also asked if we were open to nutritionists and stuff. I was thinking I should ask if anyone wants to join. Maybe Tam. 

It was nice, I laughed a lot. Probably made a fool of myself but who cares. I realized later I was kind of guiding A in her facilitation. She was anxious and proposing things, then jumping ahead. I was anxious too, but excited to have something. I like the space she is in... its kind of like mine only more open and comfortable, where as ours is closed off and not comfy. But it is a clinic... so I guess that makes sense. 

I should ask D how many clients he is seeing. They are both doing the independent contractor thing. I wonder what their split is. 

I took the leap of sending out claims. Hopefully it will go well. Still have a few people who I need to collect their insurance info. I still need to fully enroll in medicare through Sessions. I still need to follow up with a few things. Its all weird to me and I have no idea what I am doing. learn by mistake has never been my strong suit. 

On Sunday I saw a bunch of Morris folks... and it was lovely. I am wondering if I want to be more invested in that group again, or whether the ship has sailed. Its so nice to feel wanted... accepted... welcomed... and I need to get over my own shit. 

This week I am planning on doing therapy in person (my own therapy).  Aryn on Saturday for a walk. Maybe Illy one of these nights. Jesse reached out a few times, it was nice to chat with her.  E cancelled on me because she is taking her test soon and it kind of felt good to not have the pressure. Its been weird because I have been wondering if I need more closure with her... but at the same time, I walked down university and back and didn't see anyone that I was like "oooh" and I guess what I mean by that is, I am meeting people, getting to know folks, going out more, trying to be more extraverted, but I am not like WOWed... and then it makes me wonder if Ive been too harsh, at least I really like being around E... I can't say that for most folks.. I like them in moderation. With her it was easy to spend two years  -but maybe thats part of the problem. It was easy to come home... but there wasn't much life.

I have some more paperwork to do, but it feels like stuff is getting easier, and its more just about keeping up now. I am probably doing it wrong, but as my therapist pointed out, no one is looking over your shoulder. No one cares. No one is reading your documentation... you might get flagged once a year... but its ok. 

So its starting to dawn on me that I need to start figuring out whatever my next thing is. Like... spiritual direction is an option. A training like in somatic therapy?   A group... volunteering... a class... 

I was kind of considering like tai chi, or something. Something physical but not hard. 

I realize I am looking for something someone else directs because I am having to make all the decisions for everything now that I am my own boss and living on my own. Its kind of exhausting. 

I am trying to keep up with exercise and health, spanish, some level of creativity, work, finances, cleaning, spirituality, news, social life... and even though that feels like a lot, I'm watching hours of youtube every day and taking naps. So I think I can ass one more thing.

I don't have my own health insurance figured out yet for next month and it's scaring me a lot. I need to figure it out in the next two days I think... because Monday is a holiday -I think I am planning on working that morning... because what's the difference. 

I dunno... other than the guilt and feeling behind, today hasn't had a lot of big feelings or insights like I said. 

I wish I had a crush.   Ok now I have to figure out a poem. no pressure.

 

Cool cool coll

 Just saw a video of someone saying “ the past has no meaning unless your ego is using it as evidence for why something is not working in your life.”  So I give up on blogging. 

Just kidding. Here’s some evidence I guess ha. Go for it ego. 

This week was both hard and somewhat motivating. I started actually working at my own business. I saw about 17 clients I think, but not all of them were billable - checked in with a few and filled out paperwork. The majority are DA sessions and I have written 5.5 out of the 12-13 I need to write. So tomorrow will be busy, and I am not sure yet whether next week will be the same - as lots of clients have contacted me but haven’t scheduled yet.

All in all, I basically have something like 20-25 clients following me. Which is pretty crazy. What business starts with so much guaranteed?

Along the way, I’ve been trying by to figure out insurance stuff and get my new apartment settled. Finally put books on shelves yesterday. Used the hot tub with my mom and the kiddos on Thursday as it was raining. 

Already gone through a weeks worth of groceries and even though it all felt alien at first, I can feel myself adjusting and it feels like my home rather than ours. Which is good. It’s a good change. Today I realized, despite the convenience of having underground parking, I need a large bag or basket or something to carry stuff up. Lots of target runs these days. 

Illy helped me some with the office and even though it isn’t in its final form, it feels more put together. Need to get some lamps and some plants. I had a client mid week who had paperwork to fill out and as they were doing so, I took a moment to settle into the space and get grounded. The first few days I’d been so anxious and on edge - I wasn’t settled in, it wasn’t me yet… after that appointment I started paying more attention to the space, started being part of it. I like it. I have more to add. 

I also need to do some community building, both at work and at home. Not sure what that means at home, but at work I started a lunch sign up sheet kind of thing. In the 5-6 months people have been there, no one has organized community. My introverted self is not happy that I have to step up, but it gives me a role and a way in… I guess? Maybe some humor? Maybe just fake it till you make it. 

On Friday I had physical therapy then raced to at Paul for two session, then to Minnetonka and Minneapolis to do paperwork. It was an accomplished day. Ooh also the books that night. 

But it’s also been exhausting. I’ve literally crashed and taken a nap every night at like 6:30. 

Physical therapy reminded me that despite progress, and utilizing my arm a lot these past few weeks, I can’t even do a push up right now. It made me self conscious. But also the exercises and planseem helpful. 

Today I went and did myofascial release (did I spell that right). And it was interesting. It was interesting to have someone curious about my body - very professional, but also like felt invested in. Lots of cash… I had a lot of emotions come up… a lot of feelings of anger, sadness, resentment. I had this weird recognition that one of the dominant feelings I tend to have in romantic relationships is of the other person needing something from me, and me wanting to please them… rather than feeling invested in. 

I also have been thinking a lot lately of how poorly I’ve treated my partners because it does become this weird care taker thing, all their accomplishments and input and awesomeness gets thrown out the window in that dynamic. Even E keeping our place clean - i cleaned for like 5 hours today, I never noticed that stuff, or when I did, I judged because I felt like it was something she was doing to avoid the harder thing. Or something she did when she got adderrall but wouldn’t do anything when she didn’t have it. And I was on edge and resentful rather than invested and loving. 

Which is hard because I know that I also feel those things. In fact I probably dwell on the love and investment and caring too much, and overlook all the resentment. 

I really suck at relationships. I need to work on that, but I think I also need a parter who is sort of at my level… I don’t know what that means exactly… but 

Anyway, I guess I’m saying a lot of resentment has been coming up. Leaving the apartment, feeling responsible to clean it and get rid of stuff, feeling like I was the one investing in her, but being told I wasn’t doing enough. It was really challenging.  She has apologized for all of this… but even cleaning today I was reminded again as I had conversations in my head with my landlord, trying to excuse why it got so dirty, or why I don’t even know what is mine (hers). I don’t know why there is a pile of boxes in the basement, and in the garage. I don’t know what these bins contain. I don’t know if that storage thing is mine or not. But I’m financially responsible for it all, as I was when we were together. And part of me is just like… hey keep the deposit, it was three years of being functional in the space. It really does need a paint job and a good mop. 

It was too much space for me to keep up in the last year or two. Thank god I don’t have a house.. I’d need someone to come and deep clean once every 6 months. 

I showered three times today. I’m not even full done with the apartment… but closer.

This week and next week I think will still be transition in work and home, then I think basically by September it’s about adding and making meaning and connections

I have a training in September. Maybe start the spiritual direction thing?maybe get trained in somatic therapy?

Maybe start planning a trip? 

The world is mine I guess…

In between managing every thing, I’ve had all these little moments of loneliness? Craving? I see people everywhere, and wonder why I am alone. It’s not the best feeling.  

Oh well… tomorrow, coffee, DA writing. Maybe some errands. 

Capricorn all this stuff for a little while longer… and take naps because they feel good, not because you are avoiding. 

Did I find enough evidence ego?  Feels like it was absolutely fitting of that quote. Sometimes I feel soooo healthy  and other times omg 

Nothing is taking me down, down, down

 St. Paul night 3? Last night it stormed, the tarot and astrologers made a bid deal out of lions gate portal and manifesting… my brothers and my mom helped me move on Thursday,  I hung out with Rachel this afternoon, for the most part everything is great. Spent the week alternating between packing and trying to set up the business, making trips back and forth to make the move easier, cleaning the apartment…

I’ve been avoiding journaling though, settling down, taking a moment to feel, cuz I’m sad. I’m excited to move forward. But I’m also grieving. I don’t really know what I want to say I guess. It feels good. But also sad. I always wanted to try living in one of these big modern apartments. If I can keep my energy up, I’ll have a successful business and can spend time trying to grow community in the building and outside of it. I can maybe start learning or trying something new. Maybe meet people. Rachel says I should have a meet cute in the building, and if it goes wrong we decided it will give me a reason to take the stairs (I live on the 4th floor). 

It’s good, I know it’s good. I know E and I were too different, and our differences registered as not heading in the same direction - with the exception of living in the moment. We were good at that… and/or distracting ourselves entirely. 

It’s good. But I am reluctant to reach out to her. I am reluctant to say goodbye to the old apartment. I am reluctant to have things end, some fear that I am missing out.  

Been thinking of a lot of old memories lately, years ago… little times of joy, of redefining who I am or what the world is… lots of change brings that about I guess. Maybe it’s truly time for a new beginning and I need to not feel guilty, just embrace it. But I do feel guilty. And anxious. And scared. And bored. And not sure what to do… but I am moving forward rather than getting stuck in those feelings.  Today it was gray out (after the storm) and even though the weather was nice, I could imagine loving in this apartment surrounded by other people and feeling very lonely (like all winter). I could imagine organizing a board game night too. I could imagine hanging out and feeling awkward and not knowing where I fit, and I can imagine both being ok with that and also feeling so uncomfortable I leave… I guess I have done all things. 

I don’t really know what to say… tomorrow I plan to go to church, stop by the old apartment. Going to my office and spending hours getting organized. Hoping the new desk gets delivered, putting it together. Maybe last minute buying a desk chair. 

Monday I start meeting with clients in the new space. I should probably test out how the software works and not be brand new to every little thing. But everyone tells me I’m over preparing and over anxious…. That being said, everyone also says they are happy proud amazed when I am prepared and have everything worked out… so I guess I’m not sure what to say. I fake it all really well. 

Lately I’ve had this weird nagging feeling that people just wonder why I’m 41 and not in a relationship or married. Like what is wrong with this dude? I had that feeling before E and before M and throughout my 20s when I was single. It’s hard to explain that I may look fairly put together (people keep remarking that I looked younger than I am) but that I have some pretty big blemishes or have invested in a lot of different things (not bad, just different).

I once said to E that I’ve never had a relationship longer than 2 years. We made it like 2y 8m I think. 

My last job was almost 3 years… and we/I lived in that apartment for about 3 years.

I used to do 3 year cycles with my hair (grow it out for three years then chop it). 

I dunno this thing called life is so strange. Business… then what? I hope things feel less like I have to do them, and more like I want to. That’s the goal moving forward. 

Keeping it all straight

 I did another run to the new apartment. I’m feeling better about the size, I didn’t realize how much storage there was and closet space. Like a ton in the bathroom. Not enough big spaces in the kitchen, but I can either leave the air fryer out, or put it on the top shelf. 

Even the living room, I think I might be able to make it work. Some stuff might block the large window/door to eh balcony… but if that is what it takes.   Now I’m just thinking do I want a desk? Or do I want the counter island to be my desk. I’ve used the kitchen table for the last few years… seems like it would be enough if I don’t end up setting up my slow ass desk top… but if I do, it will be crowded but fine. That’s kind of the end result. It will feel a little cramped, but fine. I think I can get rid of a few items and save the ones I really want. The tv can probably go on the bookshelf. The couch can either be split or float in the middle of the room. Still, its smaller than my first solo apartment which I had through all of headway/covid. 

People have been really nice when I have bumped into them in the hallways or the parking garage. So that’s nice. Seems like a range of ages… briefly met a couple who keep the apartment for when they are here and then go to Florida half the year. 

On the home front, I just filled 4 smaller totes with books and there is probably 1-2 more. I have an office full of random that could be one well planned trip. 

I have some bedroom stuff/ blankets sheets pillows etc. all the closets are empty. There are a few things down stairs still. 

I have probably 2 totes worth of kitchen stuff and food still. In the living room I have probably 2-3 worth of stuff. 

I don’t need to do laundry but I might do one last load before I go. 

The truck comes Thursday and I am already pretty packed up. Wouldn’t take much… on my calendar it says pack Tuesday and Wednesday, but now I feel like if I do one load each day I will be fine. I know part of me is avoiding the business stuff. 

There is also a bunch of stuff that might be E’s in the garage, and I don’t know what to do about that. 

I figure I’ll come back in a week or two and clean. The bathroom, the floors, the counters. 

Other tasks:

I printed out an application for health insurance. 

I need to find a desk for the office and maybe a printer scanner. Plus hang and organize stuff over there. I’m still waiting to hear from healthpartners. I need to print off my contracts and follow up with each of the companies.wed/fri?

Tomorrow if I remember, I’m going to the post office to change my home address. Maybe later this week if I don’t make it. Dentist appointment… gotta call. 

I feel like I’m behind. But I might actually be ahead of the schedule I created for myself a few weeks ago. 

Once it all settles… decide what to take on with the business. Maybe spiritual direction?  Ceus for Jan. Consult group? Meet people in the building? Invite people over?

It’s a small space. Any more than 1-2 people it will feel cramped. 

I’m very sad leaving this one. It feels like the last time for some things, even though I know that isn’t true… like spyhouse, pho79, walking to work over here, Wendy’s, i don’t know why, but everything feels like a goodbye to E. I was thinking about that, even though she never accompanied me when I went to get us food… I went solo and brought it home, but I had her in mind when I visited all these places. 

I had the realization after my first post, that now that I’ve started the move, the grief is real again, and each time I come back to the apartment I’m reminded. Part of me wants to hurry it up and get there, not because it’s better in any way, but because then I can start my next life. 

I have always had a place to retreat to in my last relationships. In college it was a dorm or my mom’s house. With M my apartment.

With E, this was the first time it was a shared home. I’m sad for her because I know she went through all this when she left… she wasn’t sure it was for good. She thought we might find a place or something.   Each time she came back she got sad. That’s what I’m doing now.   

But I also get angry with her… every time I have to deconstruct something we put together, or put in a certain place or whatever… it’s like, where are you?   

Most of the stuff is now the bare minimum -so I guess it’s mostly mine now.. I guess it’s easier. I dunno what I’m doing I guess is what I mean. 

I mean I do. I just also lose steam to the grief. 

Shit to get rid of still: blue couch, at least one maybe two cabinet things, one chair, kitchen table and 4 chairs, the elliptical, probably more I am forgetting. 

Oh well. 

Endings and beginnings

 Tomorrow is my last day at my old job, just stopping by to do paperwork really.  Make some phone calls, say good bye to some folks.

This week it’s setting up the office for the business (which starts next week). And also moving. 

It’s Sunday at 2:30, about a half an hour ago I suddenly got very sad. It’s the move, the grief, the starting over and saying goodbye. The letting go. 

I was thinking about packing up the spice rack. A gift, almost entirely for me, but I think E had suggested it maybe? I dunno. There are a lot of things around here like that. Stuff I wouldn’t have bought on my own, that I attribute entirely to her presence, odd to move them to a new space.  It’s been about 10 months since she moved out. You’d think I’d have gotten used to it.

This weekend has been a lot of packing, and small trips across town to the new apartment. I’ve made 2 I guess, so not many… but I also got rid of a bunch of stuff at goodwill, and tried to unload art supplies at my dad only to see a horrified look on his face when I told them they weren’t exactly kid paints. So I took them back. 

I also got rid of all my old curriculum, or most of it anyway. 

I’m just sad I guess. Sad to move to this new place where I am trying to hype myself up to be friendly to the neighbors. Sad that I’m gonna have a new office and it’s so quiet. Sad that a lot of my dreams for how I would spend my 40s have been inaccurate so far. 

I cut my hair and shaved last night, and despite the balding spot at the back of my head, I decided I wasn’t looking terrible. 

I have to believe that these steps I’m taking forward are for the better. New business, new opportunities, new location, new apartment, letting go of the past, making room for all the new. 

But it’s still sad. Every little part of it is kind of sad. It hits randomly. Silence. A random object. A word from a video. I dunno. I guess I also have to make room for these feelings.

I’m gonna make at least one more trip to the apartment today. And try to do some work for the business, but I feel less motivated all of a sudden. I worked up to all of this, but it’s exhausting, and the people who have said they wanted to help, are all busy. I need to order a moving truck, but I’m worried on the day of… no one will be able to help. 

I know I didn’t prepare them well enough.

I know there is a lot of time this week, but I’m feeling behind with the business stuff. I need to not have this mentality going forward. Everything is fine. Everything is in divine timing, in its right place… and as I organize and clean, pack and then unpack, I’m moving things into their right place. 

My tarot video reading was so optimistic today… and then I did three cards for myself and a 4th sneak peak and it said today might be a hard day. Turns out to be thus far. Maybe there is more to say later, maybe I need to cry. 

How many times

 I worked a lot this weekend. Got a lot done. Finished some things today at work. Things are getting set up, things are getting packed up, things are getting tossed, things are getting moved. 

It’s exciting, and sad. New connections to make and some that will be gone. 

I was thinking about how I won’t have coworkers anymore, not really. Maybe a consult group, or partners for projects, but not coworkers. Neighbors yeah. But not sure who I will eat lunch with, or sit and do paperwork with. 

I’ve been crunching numbers, I think 21 per week is like the safe minimum to still make enough to live on. 24 a week would be ideal. More is possible. Lately I think I average between 18-22, so that’s kind of the right fit, except I need to make sure I’m not slacking… I don’t have to work 9 hour days… I can work 7ish, or four days of 8-10? Or 4 days and a half day?

I went to see the fantastic four by myself tonight. A few days ago it was Superman. Both at river view. 

As I was walking out, it was like that magic hour, the green of all the summer life glowed, but it wasn’t bright, and it wasn’t brutal hot. It was just right. And I imagined myself living in that neighborhood, and being happy. 

I was on a strange mood. While peeing after the movie, I wondered how many times I’d peed at that urinal, and then how many times in my life? All the places I’ve so quickly forgotten… I couldn’t describe half the bathrooms I’ve lived with. I couldn’t tell you all the places I’ve slept, or the places I’ve visited… memory is soooo gone.

It’s like, I recall little things. Little moments of feeling mindful, or excited or present, and then gone. 

Why do I recall walking the streets of Santiago chile looking for food at night, but can’t recall the room we stayed in?

Why do I remember thehighway when I used to drive out to mound for work, but not the  names of the people  I met with. 

Why do I remember the things I do, but not the faces of people I’ve claimed to love?

Why is it so easy to spend countless nights, not remembering, glued to a tv, computer or phone screen, tick the night away, and remember nothing. 

It’s funny to have done and seen so many things that it sometimes feels like different life times, and then also realize you’ve not done anything new or novel, not changed your path, or smelled or tasted or felt anything new in sooo long. 

Illy and I were at the bulldog remembering old times, and feeling old, as loud Saturday night people came and went. I don’t go out… so why do I want to live in the city? Why do I want to be around things, but not of them…

I know I’m ready for a change. I’m not sure what the next lifetime will bring, but this one is spent… 

Will there be love? Will there be something worth fighting for? Will there be creativity and novelty? Or will I fall into a new rhythm of the same old?

Grandview or riverview or rosedale? Back and forth? Highland or midway or the quarry? Where will I spend my time? 

Where will I shop? Who will I be in this next life?

I remember wandering Cuenca, wondering why Ottmar Liebert had a little monument, how he’d jumped off my cd player and into real life in this other worldly place where I considered moving too. But I asked Cuenca why it hadn’t brought me any love and told her I had to keep moving on… and that’s me now too.   

Unsure what the future holds,

Not sure how many times I will rebuild my life, make it anew… but I’ve got a few weeks left here, and then onto the next one. 

11 days left

 The count down to me quitting my job and starting my own business… the 11 days is how many days I have left at the job. Each day over the last few weeks I’ve been having conversations with clients and coworkers about the change. Trying to prep clients, trying to leave on positive terms with everyone. Over the weekends I’ve been doing paperwork to prepare. The weekdays paperwork and business stuff to prepare. It basically feels like I’m gonna have 2 months of nonstop… then what? 

Today I was thinking I need to strike the right balance between workaholic and the bare minimum… after all, I will be entirely responsible for my own welfare… health insurance, retirement, day to day living expenses, business expenses… it’s all gonna be on me. 

This past week had been kind of funny. Some distancing from E again. Lots of prep for the changes… sorted my cd collection and got rid of half.. cleaned out a closet or two. 

Kept telling myself I was gonna go to a movie - but also that I needed to get stuff done before hand. 

On Friday I saw Christ and Jared, two of my old roommates and friends from college who I haven’t kept in touch with and basically haven’t seen for 10 years. It was nice to catch up and also brought up a lot of thoughts.

We went to a kind of swanky rooftop restaurant, not the kind of place any of us would have chosen in the past. It was full of young people who were dressed up and on the town for an evening… a different culture in a way. We caught up and discussed our very separate lives and it was lovely, and awkward. But I really appreciated it. 

I also had some recognitions… most of that group of college friends has stayed in touch, they go to weddings and reunions and birthdays and I haven’t been invited to most, but those I have been invited to- I chose not to attend… and I’m not sure why. But if I go back to the theme of therapy last week, I seem to believe that the only people who want me around are the ones that need me… or something.  And that group never needed me. I needed them. They were fun, and funny, and interesting, and playful and talented. And I hung around them because it filled me with creativity and beauty.  But even when I lived with them, I didn’t go out of my way to indulge. I kept my distance because I was a burnt out teacher who was putting every bit of energy into other things… and then I left for Latin America. And when I got home I wanted to reach out, but felt too different, felt like they wouldn’t want me around or didn’t need me… and so it was better to focus on building a new life. I did. I wrote for a year, went to grad school, had new friends and new relationships and fell out of touch. I don’t regret it, but at the same time I also know I have missed them the whole time and I didn’t do anything about that. 

I’ve been thinking about it this weekend, how I had excuses like being busy, and not having a place I felt comfortable inviting them to. (I lived in shared shithole places with roommates I didn’t always feel comfortable with). Then I lived alone, but it was covid for a few years. Then I was in a relationship and started a new job, and was taking on new responsibilities… and so many reasons to fall out of touch… but also I missed them. Still looked up to them. Still wanted them in my life, but didn’t make time or effort. 

I’d been anxious to see them because it feels like a different life time. Like how most of my favorite bands played this weekend at a festival and I didn’t go, because who wants to spend all day outside in a hot field? A younger me would have loved that, 

These different lives I’ve lived… each with a different vibe.. different friends, different path forward.  There is some mixing and I’m glad when it happens, but I guess I’ve become verycompartmentalized these days. I suppose it’s natural given the jobs I’ve had. But how to live a more free and integrated life? Is it possible? 

Been thinking a lot about that as I go forward with this new business and new place. Can I add people and fun back into my life? Can I make room for parts that are important? Old parts? New parts? Can I balance? 

Most people haven’t been to my current apartment, and it’s bigger than where I’m moving. But the place I’m moving has other amenities. Will I utilize them?

I don’t really know what I’m looking forward to. 

I signed up for a 4 day training in September. I might look into the spiritual direction thing, just for kicks. 

Yesterday I slept in, got all the major chores done for the weekend but still felt behind. I had been planning to do a lot of paperwork this weekend, and I didn’t manage to work my way up to it till about 7 last night. Then I did some and I felt better. Less burdened. 

Today was similar. Church was amazing. 

There was this song I really liked that I’ve never heard but felt like a great response to my anxiety:

“Loosen loosen baby, 

you don’t have to carry, 

the weight of the world 

in your muscles and bones, 

let go, let go, let go”

I really love the vibe of the UU church. It’s spiritual, it’s justice, it’s therapy, it’s community, it’s human, it’s natural.

After church went for a walk with dad and Steve. I took a break and then did some paperwork. Took another break then did more. 

It’s ok. There is just sooooo much to do. And I’m not sure I’m prepared for tomorrow.. but I also know I have some time off coming up. This week I put in my notice. I booked a massage for Saturday. I’ll probably see Superman tomorrow. 

Maybe get rid of some furniture this week. 

I dunno, in a few years I’ll forget this time period but it’s a lot of mental overwhelm, and juggling. 

Generally though, I feel like I’m preparing for the next phase of life, and I’m too busy moving towards it to feel bad about anything.