Octubre

 Did some journaling earlier today about an awesome play I went to see last night with E... 

But that was in the journals.... I had meant to sit there at the coffee shop and do some imagining, some brainstorming... some thinking about the rest of life. But I didn't. Finished a book. The storm outside stopped, and I decided it was lunch time at 3 in the afternoon. 

It's the first Sunday of October of 2025. Its been in the 80s so far this month, and this week its supposed to take a dive. I think it was last year or the year before they had to cancel the twin cities marathon because it was too hot. Today was the marathon, they didn't cancel. The heat broke with the storm and the sky was full of clouds all afternoon. 

It's October.  On Friday I went for a walk with my Dad... Saturday morning hung with him and James and the kiddos... went to Home depot for projects and then a park for an hour. It was nice, but hot and somewhat exhausting. Crazy that an hour on a playground will wipe you out when you spent your youth running around on them... 

Dinner, a short walk around the river and the play last night. 

Today I slept in, and then watched church but it wasn't inspiring. Coffee shop. Finished Everything is Tuberculosis which was a great book. Sad, but hopeful.  Then got groceries and took a nap...

So many naps these days. While out walking to the coffee shop and back, I wondered if I need to just spend 20 minutes a day imagining. I don't do enough of that anymore. So much phone time, youtube, computer games... much of the slow part of life has been replaced with a screen and it makes the time go by, I even find I crave it... but its such a bad habit. AND so unfulfilling ultimately. I don't write poetry or think up new things... because I am too busy watching something that I will forget, fulfilling all my temporary needs.  

I think the orange guy is gonna die soon. I don't know why, but it just feels that way, like there is another turning point coming. Maybe its wishful thinking. I am not sure what will happen to the elephants without him, will any of them wake up?  

Things just seem crazy... and I am not sure what my role or part in it is... I was wearing my little braid with beads today and wondered if I need to be displaying a freak flag more often... something to just say    ummmmm no. Without having to address it all too much. Maybe a bumper sticker. 

THis is the kid who wore a peace sign every day, do you remember him? Where did he go?  On the one hand, I wonder if I have less ego on the line, less need to be seen. And on the other hand, maybe I am just afraid. Afraid to be seen, afraid to be tore down, afraid to let others down, afraid to not have foundation or structure...

Its October. I said I would take on new clients by october. I have started one couple. I need about 5-10 more clients to fill my schedule and make the whole thing work. But its a weird time in the world. I don't seem to be doing a lot of advertising... what is my brand?  I want to put up memes or jokes on my website... not very professional.   

I dont know...

Was thinking maybe I should go to Mexico City in February. But will have any money by then? At this point I haven't even made enough to pay my monthly bills... how could I afford to go to Mexico City? Seems outlandish. And with the state of the world, shouldn't my money go to something more substantial?

Apparently my mood has shifted from earlier in the day when everything was possible... now I am being too cynical. 

I just don't know what I am doing next I guess.  October, November, December, -have to get all my CEUS. January, February?  By August I need to find my next place to live... This place is too expensive for real...  My office is up -around next fall or winter... not sure yet. If I haven't build some community, maybe look to find some folks to create a new space. Between the apartment and business expenses I think I am paying around $3300 and I am not taking in that much so far. So gotta cut costs. 

I thought I was prepped for it all. But again my theme of the night... I dunno. 

Its a weird time of life. I feel like I am the least held down by shame and guilt, general anxiety than I have been in years... but I am also not exactly free/adventurous. I want to make good impressions, but I also don't really care too much, don't want to go out of my way to please people... in some ways that is freedom, but at the same time I am not sure what this freedom should be for. 

I have extra time, and I am not sure where to place my time and energy -because I don't want to get warn out, and I don't really want to feel overwhelmed... I want down time...

Maybe I should be writing again. Maybe in the next 6 months I figure out my business and finish part of the book and then give myself Mexico as a reward or something. 

I need something to look forward to. Thats been a theme lately.   I know there are family events, but other than that... not much.  

Its nice to hang with the kiddos, but also reminds me of what I don't have. Maybe its ok to not have your own kids. Maybe thats just how it will be... maybe I can focus on other people's kiddos. 

One of the themes of the play was what makes a life worthy, worthwhile? meaningful?

Whats the smallest measure that would be proof of that? 

The characters ultimately consider multiple metaphors via the arching metaphor of music... maybe we all just have to learn to play our one note truly. Maybe my note is being a teacher/therapist... for a while I thought it was being a friend, but not so much anymore... I had figured at some point it would be to be a father. I am envious of the young fathers I see in my practice... how they light up. Not an organizer, activist, freedom fighter,  artist? Writer?  probably not... guy on a park bench?  maybe...

I answered the question with the sense of honor I feel when an animal or a baby or a small child or a stranger thinks I am worthy of a smile, thinks I am safe enough to come near. Like my niece and nephews who launch themselves in my lap sometimes. Like... in what world?  I remember that dream I had a long time ago, when a small child saw me, lit up, yelled Mikey! and ran to me.  It feels like that a little. They are their own beings, and I am honored to feel seen and loved. 

How many little notes have I been honored to play?   And all of them true to some extent... but is there a legacy or something I am supposed to leave, or am I just part of the cacophony of sound? when the dissonance gives way to the melody... the quarter tone, the in between notes...

I should read more sufism... that would probably set me straight and crooked. 

The truth is, I want love and a family. But I don't know that I am ready... looking back, I certainly wasn't. All the people I thought I would be, could be, should be... coming to terms with who I am... knowing I won't be able to please all those I love, that yucky feeling. 

Still learning and growing and changing everyday... maybe its the carving away? or the adding... I dunno.

thats for sure

heart and head

 Listening to the tiny desk concert a client recommended before I see them again tomorrow. Big Thief, they're good so far.

Tonight I hung out with E, we walked westwood and went out to eat. It was nice.

At dinner I told her I don't want to date her, but that I wasn't shutting myself off from dating others. She assured me that was ok. I told her I felt guilt and had a hard time trusting her response because of my own shit... I cried half the way home and messy cried when I got here. 

I don't know why... I know that I still love this person, hold them in my heart, worry about them, pray about them, want the best for them... and I know my head has convinced the rest of me that love in this case is not enough -wont lead to the life I want to live... and yet... it sure hurts to say it. 

I was relieved for a little while with how she responded. She seems to get it. I am happy we can be honest with one another, and it actually makes me want to see her more. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I actually do enjoy being around her. So it sucks.

Head and heart knowledge not the same sometimes. 

I am trying to get past this whole caretaker thing, and E pulls me right back into it every time. I don't think its intentional. But it just sucks...  When you love someone, you take them as part of you. And I want to keep that part of me. And I want her to feel free to be herself, but I like that she wants to be around. I just don't know what to do...

I think its the right decision, but I think it would have been a lot easier to know that sooner if I hadn't let myself fall in love with her, dream and try to make a future together. heh... I guess its just natural consequences. 

The tarot people always say you have to make room before new things come into your life. I want to be open to those new things and not feel guilty or defensive or loyal to E... and I know right now I am still having a hard time putting those misplaced feelings aside. It might even be better if I started dating, and then she would have an easier time getting over me?   Is that how it works?

I dunno... I am not over her, I guess is my point. But I think I need to keep moving in that direction. AND honestly it was good to say out loud to her, and its been really shitty for like the last hour... and maybe I just need a night to cry it out. Not the first time, probably not that last. 

Sunday

 

It’s about 10:50 pm when I start this. I feel like I got most of goals accomplished this weekend, maybe with the exception of seeing the lizard crew or any family (they didn’t reach out, so I didn’t). 

Yesterday I saw E again at the hospital and had some reminders of her family drama and I will probably get into that in a minute. 

I also walked to The Golden Nuts with Rachel over in Columbia heights because I was craving Dubai chocolate. It was a good long walk, though a bit sticky out. I got some treats and a bubble gum soda which she made fun of the entire way back - she said, “if you have any icebreakers like a fun fact about you, you can tell them that as an adult you have had a bubble gum flavored soda in the last year.”  It was a bit stronger than Inca  kola but totes delicious. 

Today I went to church, to dogwood, and then spent half the day in bed? Probably not that much but it felt like 3-4 hours at least. I woke up and got shit done. Which feels good, but now I’m worried about my 8:30 am appointment tomorrow. Maybe wake up and shoot espresso to the dome. The day will be pretty chills, just three morning appointments and presumably a lot of insurance calls all afternoon. Maybe I’ll go swimming if it’s sunny. 

So back to the drama.

I had this realization… I was spending time with E at a mental hospital and enjoying it. Honestly it was a really fun time. It felt good. I really like being around her. I enjoy talking to her, and she actually let me talk a lot for someone accused of being manic (she clearly isn’t right now). It felt really nice and I was having a hard time reminding myself that feelings aren’t enough. It was weird too, because the day had started with drama and worries. I thought I was getting myself into chaos. It felt yucky, suddenly being in the middle of her family drama again… and then later when I ran into her family it was nice. It was familiar. I missed them even though I’d spent the morning wary, angry, judgmental, wanting something desperately from them… and I’d spent so much time noticing I was in the drama, and laughing about it… it was also so familiar. It was my life for like 2.5 years. It felt like home. And to be honest… I wanted more of it. And then I realized that I was in the role again. Jumping to rescue and play peacemaker, and guide, and gift giver and supplier, and nice guy. I was doing all the things, and feeling like I was being effective… and it was like.. oh am I really happy or am I just playing my role effectively? 

And that’s what is so hard… because I am genuinely happy when I get to talk to E and we are on the same page, and we are dreaming, and exploring and raising insights and I get to be a teacher and a wise person and a good guy… I loved spending the time with her even in the middle of a mental hospital. (What’s the difference than that and meeting at headway?)  

But that’s not what caused me to have distance.  It was not that I didn’t love her, or enjoy her company, it wasnt even that I did all those things for her, I did them willingly - wanting to. It was that I ended up feeling responsible for everything.  I want to do these things in a relationship, and I want a partner who does them, and she couldn’t. And I am always looking for signs that she might be able to… she speaks a good game sometimes. But I can’t depend on that. 

And it sucks. Because I like who I am around her. I like how she sees me. And I like who she is in the world, (when she is in the world) but I can’t depend on it. I can’t 

So today I talked to her when she called, but I didn’t go with my friend to the hospital to visit. And though I did a little research for her, I’m not trying to jump in and fix everything… even though I want to. 

And I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to do. But it was really weird (kind of heartbreaking) to get to play the role again and like it so much… and then realize it isn’t enough. 

I also think I want to clarify that it isn’t her, though I’m sure all my arguments sound that way… I mean it is her and the circumstances but it’s also me.. I’m not enough when I’m just playing the role, I tiptoe, I’m not honest, I’m gaslighting myself and manipulating the situation, I’m not actually being authentic and it ends up being destructive because later I’m resentful and avoidant and shutdown and angry… and it’s not enough if I don’t show up and feel I can show up in a relationship. And I have to figure that shit out… even though I like the role, I’m not the role. 

Hard

 I don’t really know what to say. It was a tough week capped off by a tough situation. Last week I found out my cousin died and E was having difficulty at home. Then this week I ran into a bunch of business crap with insurance -kind of felt like an idiot and had to keep reassuring myself that I could figure things out. 

Today was a mostly good day. I feel like I didn’t get everything I wanted accomplished, but it’s all gonna be OK and then E called me from the hospital because her family had hospitalized her last weekend shortly after I had seen her. So I went to the psych ward tonight, I guess it was the intensive inpatient. I’m not sure if it was me or if there’s something going on there, but getting off the elevator, I felt dizzy and kind of foggy. It honestly felt a little like I was getting just waves of that feeling that you get when you’re around somebody whose perception is off/different. Like personality disorders or people experiencing hallucinations -it was very unnerving. But it also just maybe my own emotions and -feeling kind of panicky. 

So I went in to see her and the actual unit wasn’t very interesting -a lot of empty quiet space I guess. I chatted with her for like a hour and a half. Kind of found out that she freaked out on her family last weekend and made a scene. And that because she doesn’t trust them, she doesn’t wanna leave the hospital yet, which makes sense for all sorts of reasons. but I didn’t actually get the impression that she was needing to be there.  Like she did not seem to be actively manic, or delusional, or experiencing psychosis or difficulty functioning or anything. A little on edge maybe, but nothing harmful to anyone. I’ve seen her far worse I guess.  

But I kind of had to say to her that I wasn’t gonna take her in, or maybe I didn’t need to say it, but I did because I was trying to set my boundaries. But it was really hard because my mind does wanna solve this for her. I wanna make things better. And it’s not my responsibility to do so but it’s really hard to go to sleep tonight knowing that she’s stuck in a hospital. And she’s safe and everything is fine. And she could probably leave and go back to her family whenever she wants. But it’s just uncomfortable. It’s really uncomfortable to know that she is struggling and that she’s experiencing the consequences of kind of like - not pretending to be OK. When everyone around her is also not OK, but they want to pretend.   It just feels really weird. There’s been a lot of nights in my life where I’ve gone to sleep in places that I didn’t necessarily want to be -where it was uncomfortable. Or dirty or maybe I didn’t feel like it was clean or safe or there were bugs or all sorts of things, sometimes as simple as a really uncomfortable mattress, and I know that none of these things in themselves is horrible, and that in a little while it’ll mean nothing. But some part of me does feel like I’m letting her down. Like it’s my fault. And it really sucks when I know I have the ability or capacity to swoop in and rescue her. But I can’t do that. But I’m not always sure why I can’t do that.  And part of it really is that like she has to fight her own fights and figure out her own life, her family will always be her family. But I wish there was a way that I could give her a leg up. Without feeling like I’m extending myself. I’m not sure what that is right now. She is thinking a little more outside the box, like how do I get to Costa Rica? And it kind of bothers me how many of the little things I’ve said to her -are becoming her fantasies. Like i worry that maybe I’m influencing her in a bad way. But also, I do think she needs a more adventurous life but like in a good way, not a hard way. So I don’t know I’ll probably go by again tomorrow bring her some stuff, but I kind of feel like shit.

Sunday the last day of August 2025

I am outside at Dogwood, its hot and probably too sunny, but also too loud to think inside.

I woke up late after a difficult night of sleep, between the tacobell I ate at 10:30, the mosquito and my general feeling of being awake even when I was asleep, it just kept seeming like I was never gonna be fully out. Then this morning, when I was meaning to wake up at 8, suddenly it was 9:30, suddenly 11. I missed church. It was the Harriet bandshell one… that I hadn’t really wanted to go to until the shooting in south Minneapolis- when suddenly it seemed important to have community, to be part of something.

So then it was 11:30 and I was getting out of bed feeling somewhat groggy, and my apartment seemed a mess and nothing was getting done.

So I spent till 3ish, doing laundry, prepping salad ingrdients putting up the hammock on the deck, decorating a touch, putting things in their right place, paying bills… getting my life in order as it were.

Then by 3 pm I started to feel like I could move forward with the week… what was left to do?  Write 3 poems for the weekend I’d basically lost steam. Work on the website. Do some paperwork.  All doable, and some needn’t be at home. So I trecked out, on this sunny day… and now I am here and sipping an americano, and not sure what to say.

All the tarot readings and the song I’ve head in my head all day speak of choices. Two directions, which will you choose?  I am not ever sure what my options are, except that there is a safe option and challenging one that promises more success ultimately.

“two points for honesty, it must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all…”

So what do I care about? And what choice do I really have?

I was reading “everything is tuberculosis” and he described a transman doctor in the early 1900s, who was kicked out of town after town, but introduced xrays, and I wondered how much good this person did by spreading this knowledge, despite the circumstances.  Its not that we do the thing we set out to do initially, but how we maintain and move forward despite the circumstances.

This weekend, I know I accomplished all my chores, but I don’t feel very accomplished. I am wrestling with how do I slow down again? Or how to I affect the changes I am looking to make? And I am not sure about either of those.

I seem to have paths before me, but none of them seem obvious, and the partnership I’ve been promised doesn’t seem apparent. Submission, acceptance, letting go… even these flowing states, I am not sure what I am supposed to be letting go?

The business is beginning and its going well so far. I need more clients but I am not in a dire situation as long as insurance eventually kicks in. I have a few things I need to clarify and work through… but my hope that by October everything is heading in the right direction feels right. Got a consult group for once a month. Setting up some meet and greets at the office. Not really using the pool or the gym much at the apartment but its ok.

So what are the next steps?  I keep coming back to things like -spiritual direction, the book, workshops and teaching, taking a class, getting trained… maybe planning a trip. All things I’ve done, all things that would be good, but none of them is like clearly THE path.

This whole school shooting the other day briefly made me wonder about doing something political re: gun violence. But its funny, I can’t imagine doing the therapy work there, because I am too pissed myself. It’s been hard even when my clients are struggling with it. Yes, its good for passion, but not great for thoughtful ways of proceeding.

Yesterday went to Crosby farm with Aryn and talked for basically 4 hours, walked in the woods for part of that. She is beginning the school year and rolling with all the stupid decisions the district has made… trying to be creative, trying to push back where she can. Its good work. It seems fun, but also I am sort of glad to be out of that system.

The previous few days talked with Schultz a lot -during bedtime which is odd. About guns and our lives, and our history of not being chaperoned when we were young for better and worse. It was really lovely to connect. I love her.

I think maybe that’s the difficult thing. I don’t know where to put my love, other than work. I am trying to do the self care self love thing, and its hard and feels especially hard when I am stressed and uncertain.  Haven’t eaten the best lately (see taco bell, donuts, cookies, candy, chocolate)… but also lots of salads and fruit. Not all bad I guess. I say this while I am considering getting baklava on the way home.

I went to the local Costco, and a new cub. Exploring a bit. Saw the new Ford plant area which is weird and suburb like, a development neighborhood… feels a little like it will be gated. Maybe would have been where grandma went to live.

I like the apartment and the office, and the business and not taking things too seriously. I could see myself being content, but I want somewhere to put my passion and my love.

I want it to feel meaningful and spiritual… and despite the spiritual direction thing seeming like a way of doing that, it also feels a little like I am just doing it to feed my spirit and not really for anything specific. A place where someone else can give me direction, and guide, rather than me making all the decision.

 

What poems am I gonna write?

It’s a good challenge, but its starting to feel unhelpful and more  guilting. When I have no thoughts, no muse, or Im scared of it not being what I want. Whats the point?

Maybe that’s my practice of submitting…

Opening opening opening…

This desire to say yes, but not know what to say yes to.

****

I walked along the road to Fresh Thyme, and back eating cantaloup with a baguette. I felt like I was traveling, free and wild, and nothing but my own agenda. The sky was blue. The air was clean. It was relatively quiet despite the cars and the greenline... I wonder why even in the midst of everything feeling ok, I can't quite settle. I can appreciate, but I am still wondering ... 

Its funny because how many of those times in europe or south america, was I wandering around with nothing, appreciative, but bogged down by deep worry, not afraid. Just in my head. Spiraling, talking to myself, talking to others in my head... I think of my trips as these beautiful periods of getting away, but allthewhile I am an antsy motherfucker. I've got a pint of orange juice and a baguette, and I am roaming the streets looking free like a gazelle on the plains... and just as anxiously.  

What next, what next, what next... I wonder if I will ever get past that. I'll be on my deathbed wondering what next... and hopefully grateful and curious, but still getting ahead of myself. Everyone around me hoping to have me present... never knew how. 

9:32

Thats the time when I started.

Ive been trying to write poetry every day. One poem a day kind of thing. I am technically on day 4, but messed up yesterday so wrote the poem I was thinking about this morning. 

Now I owe myself another. I don't know if I will make it or not. I haven't had very strong feelings or insights today. This morning I was feeling very optimistic but then I went to physical therapy and rushed to my first and only appointment and didn't have any time to have a second or third cup of coffee. I was noticing that I was somewhat irritable and kind of feeling lazy and knew it was because I needed some caffeine so I made a deal with myself that I would leave work and be productive elsewhere. 

So I went home for lunch -assuming I'd do paperwork in the afternoon and then have a nice evening. Instead I ate lunch and took a nap till like 4:30. Woke up feeling guilty that I'd wasted the day. So I made another deal with myself, get some work done, check a few things off your list and then walk to raising canes and back, and then do the rest of your work... which I did. So I am feeling more accomplished now... but still somewhat behind. 

Physical therapy went well, and the exercises are definitely helping me regain mobility and strength. The lady concurred that I should not be using the gym yet, which takes some pressure off. 

I'm averaging about 15 appointments a week and I need to get that up to 20 minimum within about a month. I am hoping to eventually be between 20-26 per week, which at times will feel really full, but will allow me to save money and not worry, and having a retirement account and what not. 

I still have about 5 clients that told me they want to follow but either haven't called or responded to emails (I assume it went to their junk mail). They have my contact information. I need to remind myself that most people are trying to enjoy the end of their summer, and may not be on my schedule. I am planning on opening up my waitlist... or whatever. I mean, just not have one.

Last night I went to the first of the new consult group. D and A were the folks I knew, she invited three others. Two of them do completely different jobs (school social work, and VA social work), she also asked if we were open to nutritionists and stuff. I was thinking I should ask if anyone wants to join. Maybe Tam. 

It was nice, I laughed a lot. Probably made a fool of myself but who cares. I realized later I was kind of guiding A in her facilitation. She was anxious and proposing things, then jumping ahead. I was anxious too, but excited to have something. I like the space she is in... its kind of like mine only more open and comfortable, where as ours is closed off and not comfy. But it is a clinic... so I guess that makes sense. 

I should ask D how many clients he is seeing. They are both doing the independent contractor thing. I wonder what their split is. 

I took the leap of sending out claims. Hopefully it will go well. Still have a few people who I need to collect their insurance info. I still need to fully enroll in medicare through Sessions. I still need to follow up with a few things. Its all weird to me and I have no idea what I am doing. learn by mistake has never been my strong suit. 

On Sunday I saw a bunch of Morris folks... and it was lovely. I am wondering if I want to be more invested in that group again, or whether the ship has sailed. Its so nice to feel wanted... accepted... welcomed... and I need to get over my own shit. 

This week I am planning on doing therapy in person (my own therapy).  Aryn on Saturday for a walk. Maybe Illy one of these nights. Jesse reached out a few times, it was nice to chat with her.  E cancelled on me because she is taking her test soon and it kind of felt good to not have the pressure. Its been weird because I have been wondering if I need more closure with her... but at the same time, I walked down university and back and didn't see anyone that I was like "oooh" and I guess what I mean by that is, I am meeting people, getting to know folks, going out more, trying to be more extraverted, but I am not like WOWed... and then it makes me wonder if Ive been too harsh, at least I really like being around E... I can't say that for most folks.. I like them in moderation. With her it was easy to spend two years  -but maybe thats part of the problem. It was easy to come home... but there wasn't much life.

I have some more paperwork to do, but it feels like stuff is getting easier, and its more just about keeping up now. I am probably doing it wrong, but as my therapist pointed out, no one is looking over your shoulder. No one cares. No one is reading your documentation... you might get flagged once a year... but its ok. 

So its starting to dawn on me that I need to start figuring out whatever my next thing is. Like... spiritual direction is an option. A training like in somatic therapy?   A group... volunteering... a class... 

I was kind of considering like tai chi, or something. Something physical but not hard. 

I realize I am looking for something someone else directs because I am having to make all the decisions for everything now that I am my own boss and living on my own. Its kind of exhausting. 

I am trying to keep up with exercise and health, spanish, some level of creativity, work, finances, cleaning, spirituality, news, social life... and even though that feels like a lot, I'm watching hours of youtube every day and taking naps. So I think I can ass one more thing.

I don't have my own health insurance figured out yet for next month and it's scaring me a lot. I need to figure it out in the next two days I think... because Monday is a holiday -I think I am planning on working that morning... because what's the difference. 

I dunno... other than the guilt and feeling behind, today hasn't had a lot of big feelings or insights like I said. 

I wish I had a crush.   Ok now I have to figure out a poem. no pressure.

 

Cool cool coll

 Just saw a video of someone saying “ the past has no meaning unless your ego is using it as evidence for why something is not working in your life.”  So I give up on blogging. 

Just kidding. Here’s some evidence I guess ha. Go for it ego. 

This week was both hard and somewhat motivating. I started actually working at my own business. I saw about 17 clients I think, but not all of them were billable - checked in with a few and filled out paperwork. The majority are DA sessions and I have written 5.5 out of the 12-13 I need to write. So tomorrow will be busy, and I am not sure yet whether next week will be the same - as lots of clients have contacted me but haven’t scheduled yet.

All in all, I basically have something like 20-25 clients following me. Which is pretty crazy. What business starts with so much guaranteed?

Along the way, I’ve been trying by to figure out insurance stuff and get my new apartment settled. Finally put books on shelves yesterday. Used the hot tub with my mom and the kiddos on Thursday as it was raining. 

Already gone through a weeks worth of groceries and even though it all felt alien at first, I can feel myself adjusting and it feels like my home rather than ours. Which is good. It’s a good change. Today I realized, despite the convenience of having underground parking, I need a large bag or basket or something to carry stuff up. Lots of target runs these days. 

Illy helped me some with the office and even though it isn’t in its final form, it feels more put together. Need to get some lamps and some plants. I had a client mid week who had paperwork to fill out and as they were doing so, I took a moment to settle into the space and get grounded. The first few days I’d been so anxious and on edge - I wasn’t settled in, it wasn’t me yet… after that appointment I started paying more attention to the space, started being part of it. I like it. I have more to add. 

I also need to do some community building, both at work and at home. Not sure what that means at home, but at work I started a lunch sign up sheet kind of thing. In the 5-6 months people have been there, no one has organized community. My introverted self is not happy that I have to step up, but it gives me a role and a way in… I guess? Maybe some humor? Maybe just fake it till you make it. 

On Friday I had physical therapy then raced to at Paul for two session, then to Minnetonka and Minneapolis to do paperwork. It was an accomplished day. Ooh also the books that night. 

But it’s also been exhausting. I’ve literally crashed and taken a nap every night at like 6:30. 

Physical therapy reminded me that despite progress, and utilizing my arm a lot these past few weeks, I can’t even do a push up right now. It made me self conscious. But also the exercises and planseem helpful. 

Today I went and did myofascial release (did I spell that right). And it was interesting. It was interesting to have someone curious about my body - very professional, but also like felt invested in. Lots of cash… I had a lot of emotions come up… a lot of feelings of anger, sadness, resentment. I had this weird recognition that one of the dominant feelings I tend to have in romantic relationships is of the other person needing something from me, and me wanting to please them… rather than feeling invested in. 

I also have been thinking a lot lately of how poorly I’ve treated my partners because it does become this weird care taker thing, all their accomplishments and input and awesomeness gets thrown out the window in that dynamic. Even E keeping our place clean - i cleaned for like 5 hours today, I never noticed that stuff, or when I did, I judged because I felt like it was something she was doing to avoid the harder thing. Or something she did when she got adderrall but wouldn’t do anything when she didn’t have it. And I was on edge and resentful rather than invested and loving. 

Which is hard because I know that I also feel those things. In fact I probably dwell on the love and investment and caring too much, and overlook all the resentment. 

I really suck at relationships. I need to work on that, but I think I also need a parter who is sort of at my level… I don’t know what that means exactly… but 

Anyway, I guess I’m saying a lot of resentment has been coming up. Leaving the apartment, feeling responsible to clean it and get rid of stuff, feeling like I was the one investing in her, but being told I wasn’t doing enough. It was really challenging.  She has apologized for all of this… but even cleaning today I was reminded again as I had conversations in my head with my landlord, trying to excuse why it got so dirty, or why I don’t even know what is mine (hers). I don’t know why there is a pile of boxes in the basement, and in the garage. I don’t know what these bins contain. I don’t know if that storage thing is mine or not. But I’m financially responsible for it all, as I was when we were together. And part of me is just like… hey keep the deposit, it was three years of being functional in the space. It really does need a paint job and a good mop. 

It was too much space for me to keep up in the last year or two. Thank god I don’t have a house.. I’d need someone to come and deep clean once every 6 months. 

I showered three times today. I’m not even full done with the apartment… but closer.

This week and next week I think will still be transition in work and home, then I think basically by September it’s about adding and making meaning and connections

I have a training in September. Maybe start the spiritual direction thing?maybe get trained in somatic therapy?

Maybe start planning a trip? 

The world is mine I guess…

In between managing every thing, I’ve had all these little moments of loneliness? Craving? I see people everywhere, and wonder why I am alone. It’s not the best feeling.  

Oh well… tomorrow, coffee, DA writing. Maybe some errands. 

Capricorn all this stuff for a little while longer… and take naps because they feel good, not because you are avoiding. 

Did I find enough evidence ego?  Feels like it was absolutely fitting of that quote. Sometimes I feel soooo healthy  and other times omg