Wake up

 I don't get angry very much. 

Sometimes at the big things in life, but very rarely do I get personally angry.

When I was younger I was at times prone to rages. They came on in moments of deep seated pain, feeling left out, feeling ashamed. 

I just woke up from a nap, in the dream I was scrolling through M's Instagram (which she doesn't have). I was looking at the moment in which I suddenly disappeared. Everything that came after caused me pain (I have had this experience from facebook). I was scrolling through and suddenly feeling very left out, very hurt, very angry, almost hateful as I felt replaced and rejected. 

The feelings built up into this vile raging heat in my chest. My words became mean. It scared me so much to feel this way that I woke up, and haven't been able to shake it for like half an hour. I don't like this feeling. I don't like how scary and uncontrollable it feels, and how it leaves me without hope or desire to reimagine the world as better. 

But, some part of me feels this way. Towards the end of our relationship I felt little bites of this. Since then, I have had times where a spark of anger is lit. 

Most often these things are easily stamped out, and I am able to find the good in situations again rather quickly. But it is unnerving to be so red faced, so putrid.