OOOH I didn't even write a new years post this year?
So out of the habit huh.
Thursday night I had a sudden tail spin, felt a bit foggy, felt a bit off my game, a little more irritable though I think I handled it well enough. Friday, I went to breakfast with Mel, and things were ok but I felt like I couldn't wake up entirely. Later in the day I continued to get more irritable and felt more and more hopeless. I knew the headache had something to do with it, the weather, the lack of sun, but the symptoms of depression are so amazing, how they swoop in and replace things so easily:
I'm lonely. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling incapable of completing my goals. I'm aware that I have a lot on my plate, but I can't quite discern what it is. I am feeling left out even as people reach out to me. I am feeling unloveable even as they voice their concerns. I am worried about the future, the next week, the next month, six months, a year, and in that worry I can imagine a lifetime of failure, of incompletes, of isolation and irritation, so easily.
I try to treat myself the same way I would treat a client, biology, behaviors, social life, thoughts, spirit. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you getting enough to eat? Are you getting the caffeine fix you need? Are you getting enough exercise? The sun? Are you breathing? Are you being mindful? Are you checking in with friends? When you check in, is it meaningful, are you sharing enough? Are you asking for what you need? Are you taking time for yourself -to recharge? Hobbies? Meeting goals? What are you overwhelmed about? What evidence is there? What feedback are you getting? What would you like to hear? What are you telling yourself? What does that mean? What does it mean over the long run? What changes can you make now? What changes can you make over the long run? What do you need to do so?
I am in school and it feels like life is on hold. I make some new friends, but it cannot lead anywhere. What does it mean to old friends, is this a betrayal? Some of these new friends remind me of old friends, what does that mean? Who do you want in your life Mike? Am I grateful enough? Am I giving too much? I return to the idea of doing homework and it feels abysmal and distant to everything that makes sense. But to do what I want, I have to jump through the hoops. Is this what I want? What do I want? I need a therapist, I need to be touched, I need reassurance from someone who can actually give me the love and support I crave. I feel incapable of getting those things right now... can't even set an appointment for a massage the next day -it's too far away.
This entire conversation takes place over days, but feels like the thoughts and questions and concerns are jammed on top of each other, one thing -means the world, I need to unpack them, slowly, filter through, what is real, what do I want to be real? I feel like I am never enough. What does that mean in the short term, in the long run? What does it mean to want to run away, to move to Argentina to drop the facade of helping, of being useful to others, of being disconnected... Because I am aware that that is what happens -I take time for myself and become lost. I take time for others and become lost. There is no balance here, no assurance, no reassurance.
And suddenly, much like my clients, I wonder if this means I am dying. Some cancer creeping up my insides, some limitation I hadn't yet conceived of, to place the lid on my desires, my grand schemes. Or maybe subconsciously I am looking for a means to convey my inabilities, a word to express my ineptitude, a scapegoat, a reason, a name, a something to point at -and just say "it isn't me -not wanting to be, but I haven't been given a choice, it's bob's fault." And who is Diane in that situation? (a joke from rory scovel).
I pick up the next day, a little more determined, but also still hesitant, aware of the ache in my stomach, my knee, my mind, awareness is a demon sometimes. But maybe it's just the cold front storming, a lack of sleep, a lack of caffeine, not enough time to contemplate the reasons. Maybe you should plan ahead. A massage once a month. Maybe you should find a therapist. Maybe you should jump into that assignment you've been putting off. Maybe contemplation is overrated? But I start to feel a bit better assigning it to paper. This isn't me after all, this is a commotion caused by the unrequited. A collection of the neglected. A compendium of little worries trying to compile themselves into complexity. Time for some cognitive restructuring.
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