I am sitting at Spyhouse and though I have the desire to write, I don't really want to write anything in my book. The story is still intriguing and I am sure I could do some editing, but the mental precision it requires doesn't sound fun right now.
Maybe I should go home and do nothing.
I walked Calhoun with my Dad this morning, and it is possible I will see Jared for a game tonight, or hang with some other folks. In general I have a half desire to do so. I want to see people, but I have been a little too social this week.
Last night I had this dream I was traveling. Been having a few of those recently, but specifically in this dream I was packing up my stuff and throwing things out to lighten the load. It seemed like I had begun a trip too hastily (as did everyone else), and at the first break I knew I needed to get rid of half of my shit. What does that mean? Excess baggage... I was also late in the dream, people were waiting for me, but when I got there I was more prepared than they were. I had cleaned up and packed well, whereas they had left trouble in their wake -an extra burden for the next person.
I was just reading the Sufi book, and they were describing the development of the soul, -the stages of it. The material stage of the senses, and what they called the feminine stage in which the inner sense of imagination and meaning come about, the recognition of meaning in things. So if my dream is describing my conscious understanding right now... I am preparing or taking the time to unburden myself so that I am better prepared. Is that summer? Is that not having a job? is that reading and writing and trying to exercise? Is that reflecting on my past mistakes and trying to come to a better awareness of change? Reflecting on change, and trying to not assign weight to it?
On Monday I couldn't get myself out of bed. Sunday I hung out with K and T, feeling like there were expectations, though overall it was a good time. That night I found the barista online and found out she was married (somewhat ruining a crush), I think that was a big part of not being able to get out of bed, for what? On Tuesday I spent the day recovering from Monday, but then had dinner with my Mom and Grant. Wednesday I volunteered and saw Alicia. Thursday I went and saw Jared's band.
So I guess there is a lot of in and out, processing and existing in a social context. But other than that and walking I haven't been very productive. I had a week or two where I was making some progress with the book, but now I have like 6 chapters I need to write or finish, and it seems difficult. Editing even more so because of the type of precision thinking it requires.
I've been watching a lot of netflix, and random shit... also drawing a lot more which is nice.
Haven't practiced Spanish at all - I think because it doesn't seem to have any purpose or context.
I really need to figure out some sort of path forward, what am I doing next summer? What am I doing for a job? What am I doing for a social life?
I think I am gonna go... maybe this air-conditioning is giving me a headache.
No comments:
Post a Comment