Sarah Kay poem (blue lines for mike today)

Everyone needs a place. It shouldn’t be inside of someone else. -Richard Siken

The Type

If you grow up the type of woman men want to look at,
you can let them look at you. But do not mistake eyes for hands.
Or windows.
Or mirrors.
Let them see what a woman looks like.
They may not have ever seen one before.

If you grow up the type of woman men want to touch,
you can let them touch you.
Sometimes it is not you they are reaching for.
Sometimes it is a bottle. A door. A sandwich. A Pulitzer. Another woman.
But their hands found you first. Do not mistake yourself for a guardian.
Or a muse. Or a promise. Or a victim. Or a snack.
You are a woman. Skin and bones. Veins and nerves. Hair and sweat.
You are not made of metaphors. 

Not apologies. Not excuses.

If you grow up the type of woman men want to hold,
you can let them hold you.
All day they practice keeping their bodies upright—
even after all this evolving, it still feels unnatural, still strains the muscles,
holds firm the arms and spine. Only some men will want to learn
what it feels like to curl themselves into a question mark around you,
admit they do not have the answers
they thought they would have by now;
some men will want to hold you like   The Answer.
You are not     The Answer.
You are not the problem. You are not the poem
or the punchline or the riddle or the joke.

Woman. If you grow up the type men want to love,
You can let them love you.
Being loved is not the same thing as loving.
When you fall in love, it is discovering the ocean
after years of puddle jumping. It is realizing you have hands.
It is reaching for the tightrope when the crowds have all gone home.
Do not spend time wondering if you are the type of woman
men will hurt. If he leaves you with a car alarm heart, you learn to sing along.
It is hard to stop loving the ocean. Even after it has left you gasping, salty.
Forgive yourself for the decisions you have made, the ones you still call
mistakes when you tuck them in at night. 

And know this:
Know you are the type of woman who is searching for a place to call yours.
Let the statues crumble.
You have always been the place.
You are a woman who can build it yourself.
You were born to build.

thoughts -process of healing

I woke up early to deal with a work situation.
I woke up in a good mood. 

But the mind does what it does. 
As I was walking to the coffee shop, I had to stop myself in my thoughts.
"Be Here Now" as it were. Recognize the trees, the clouds in the sky, the flowers, the way life is what it is, and doesn't need to stretch to be something it isn't. 

But I was caught up in an argument in my head.
Arguing about simplicity and complexity. Arguing about the best way to help people grow.
Arguing about maturity and immaturity. Arguing about healing and trust.
All of these thoughts leading to this old wound:

This idea that I need to earn your love. This idea that I have to try to be good enough for you. This idea that I have to sacrifice parts of myself to be worthy of you.

I invited this cycle into my life again, wanted a dramatic example, lost myself to it, lashed out, regretted, felt like the villain, felt betrayed, felt like the victim. 

Yesterday I had all these small memories return to me and they were pleasant. They were my life in St. Paul. Getting a smoothie and bread in the morning. Going to Whole Foods and eating a salad. Drawing or reading at Gingko. Sitting around at her counter, or on her giant love sac, or riding on the electric scooters on summit avenue. When I go to St. Paul now, I am always kind of sad, my heart hurts and is afraid. Like a lifetime ended in tragedy. I fled the city for safety before healing. I need to go back and heal, but it's painful to even think about sometimes. But it wasn't yesterday. It was pleasant. Then today of course I am arguing. 

Arguing about what happens when someone isn't fully in, and the other wants to be. 
About how impossible it was to please, and knowing that I should take responsibility for my actions, but arguing that it was her fault for never assuring me that I was ok. 
About how I wasn't enough.

And in thinking about this, I should be more settled, recognize how imperfect a union it was. How prone to insecurity and codependency. How nothing could get solved because one person didn't want to solve it... but instead my heart just says "but if only..."  

And I can type out her life story, and my own right now. 
But that defeats the point doesn't it?
If only given who we are, we weren't... who we are.

Why do I dedicate myself to growth? Why is that important to me? 
Why do I want to be better? Why do I resist just being? 

Loneliness is one of the strongest indicators of mental health issues. And I remove myself from people in self-protection. But what is this self I am protecting? And what if I were just more assertive of my self. 

M simplifies things too much, it allows her to move forward easily but the baggage that isn't addressed ruins each new thing. 
I make everything too complex, it keeps me stuck in the past and the present, but when I heal, I feel more capable of loving fully.


_____

I am always wondering how to move forward (especially now in quarantine).
I came up with this idea of maybe buying an apartment, but at the same time, what would change?
I'd have a "home." But would I invite people to it?
I'd have more space. But do I need it?
I'd have more stuff. But do I even want that?
It's hard to move forward. I want an infinite amount of energy and time and mental clarity to write a book. I want a community.  I want to share my life with someone who wants to be in it. I want to not worry about my health. 
When I go for walks I am often in my head. I think that is why I choose not to go to new places. I can just do the same old, and be in my mind. Maybe I need a head injury to be less in my mind. 
_____



This week:
Might see Illy. 
Therapy on Saturday.
Get some books.
Work work work: Finish all the paperwork from last week.
Write?
Go for some walks.
Probably catch up with family.
Play some computer games or watch some Netflix.
Same old cycles.

Waking up with a stomach ache

It's weird to spend your days so entrenched in people's lives. To get to know them, love them (to an extent), try to help support them in their growth, and then what...

I ate dinner early, took a nap, woke up discontent, nothing to look forward to. A stack of work to do. A few friends texted and our conversations quickly ran to empty. I watched some news and quickly found it shallow. I contemplated writing, and my brain was too muddled. I'm gonna end up watching Jane the Virgin as my substitute for connection. Let the drama and the laughs be my alternate universe. Let their depths be the replacement for the depths I don't have on my own.

I could have gone for a walk. It was relatively nice out, and yesterday's walk left me feeling fairly euphoric. In love with the universe, with each new face, with each contribution despite the difficulties. I am not one to hold a grudge when I am my best self. I am not one to dwell on mistakes when I am my best self.

I think I put a lot of pressure on people. Maybe that's why I am glum. Feeling like I overextend and don't have much left over. I spent the entire weekend doing nothing, and already miss it.

A coworker had the kids write one of those "I am" poems, and I followed along. I think I am too much in my head and in my ideals... but it was an interesting process. If I were to go back, I'd probably try to bring a bit more cohesiveness to it, like the I hear line might be about listening to people's voices, the caught breath etc. Maybe a poem about being a therapist.



I am... open to understanding people, and able to see the big picture
I wonder... about the meaning of life
I hear... the fan and the air conditioning 
I see... parallel universes, timelines, characters
I want... more support from someone I am mutually invested in, a conscious reciprocal relationship
I am... open to understanding people, and able to see the big picture
I pretend... that life is silly or serious depending on what I need
I feel... cynical sometimes about my life prospects
I touch... the cloth in stores
I worry... about people who are not feeling connected and about our society which separate us
I cry... during songs, movies, tv shows and good books, as well as when I am overwhelmed with empathy
I am... open to understanding people, and able to see the big picture
I understand... that the universe is a dialectic, is push&pull, love&fear, creation&destruction, and that it is the AND not the OR that matters
I say... you are worthy
I dream... of growth and beauty and expansion
I try... to stay positive, mindful and open
I hope... for healing, for celebration, for meaning and purpose
I am... open to understanding people, and able to see the big picture



Yeah.... very head/values based. Maybe that's the mindset I am in when I am working.
Maybe I like that version of me so much I forget to pull out of it when people want me to connect genuinely. Or I just don't like the other genuine parts, so I hide when I am in them. Like this feeling I am having right now, this heaviness, this grog.

Mondays

I slept poorly. Have been the last few nights, probably the temperature issues.

I long for dreams.

I wanted to stay in bed all morning, but I had a dream in which I skipped work without telling anyone and then saw my coworkers later in the day.

I haven't had enough coffee and 9 am is quickly approaching. I have no desire to do any of my work today.








I've been considering the idea of microaggressions, and wondering if there is anything real to do about it, or just whether we need to acknowledge that our differences give us different perspectives and it is uncomfortable due to the power imbalance. When people talk about micro aggressions they ask others to be aware, to stop doing it. But it seems like one of those things that won't actually change, just make it harder to connect honestly because people are trying to be too aware of themselves.


Maybe I am thinking of this in relation to myself. I can immediately recall a dozen shameful incidents,  but also am aware that my not asking, not saying, leads to a different kind of dishonesty and inaction.







I am thinking a lot about myself through the enneagram lens the last week or so. What does it mean to be a 9?  capable of taking in all perspectives, easy to lose your own -self-effacing as they say. How does that impact my relationships?  Why do I get angry with people when they get mad at me for seeing other's perspectives when they cherish that gift when I do it with them? Can't you see it's the same trait?  but you can't really, you're not seeing me underneath choosing this way of relating, you're seeing someone you thought was on your side (believing it to be the whole of them), and wondering why they suddenly are betraying you.
I'm not on your side. I'm (hopefully) on the side of a better outcome for everybody.

Maybe this is why I can't be an activist or organizer. It's too hard to paint my opposition as an enemy, I just don't see it. I love the reframe of inviting them into change through action. But most activists and organizers don't hold that... its us against them. And I can't keep it. It doesn't feel natural to exclude, to divide. I can handle conflict when it is for the greater good, but the seemingly meaningless drama that divides us? What is really going on?

All I see is connection or separation. People keep challenging me on that, pointing out that there are other factors, but human misery is separation. Hell is separation. Trauma is separation even though every part of trauma demands us to avoid, the trauma wouldn't be traumatic if it didn't cause us to want to separate (either consciously or unconsciously). Whether it is because we see ourselves separate, and so feel discomfort. Or because we choose to separate -believing it to be the healthiest option and therefor avoid healing.

What does it mean to be a 9 and feel stuck?  I look for people who will challenge me to move forward, I get excited by their energy. I liked the partnership with M because she was a doer (too much so) and she could motivate me to stay engaged, stay active. And I was a calming presence for her, and could remind her to slow down and think through something, to reflect, to relate.

They say the healthiest 9's have figured out how to either provide this for themselves & stop pretending that they don't have needs/personality, OR have partners who recognize this about them.  There is a weird paradox though, over the years, the more I learn about myself and grow, the less I feel that my individual identity is necessary to share. TO be sure this is an unhealthy response in the long run, but it's also true. I want someone to KNOW me. But when I am feeling confident in myself I don't feel the need to make it about me, to share me. I want someone to pry, to challenge, to see, to go out of their way to figure me out. But I am not apt to provide the keys, I might mention there is a door there, but if they don't want to knock, I am not likely to keep mentioning it.  I think about things like my writing, my art, etc., but also my photo albums, my music, my books, my travels -Facebook or instagram... there are a lot of ways to get to know me, and some are in plain sight. Who are my friends? Why have they been around so long?  But again, you'd have to ask. I give a simplified explanation, but there is always depth, always complexity. Lions in zebras clothes as it were.

I should go to work.
I have bills to pay, and people to check up on, and all sorts of little trivial things that a better political/economic system would have simplified a long time ago, but someone is profiting off causing me anxiety, and that is our system. Separation, anxiety, powerlessness, inequitable distribution of gains and losses.

I am so excited to see what we do with this -this time around.  A green new deal? an unraveling?

Last night I prayed that if the universe was gonna take me away, let it be swift or at least give me a sign, so I don't get my hopes up. Craving peace of mind, even in suffering and turmoil... that's a 9.

Ummmm coooool

It seems like I write on here once a week now. I guess that means I don't have a lot to say, either I'm busy or not busy enough. 
I've been trying to be more social, hung out with a few folks from Grad school and few folks from before. Saw brother and niece and nephew today. All of it pretty fun, but this weekend I wanted to hide. 
I had therapy yesterday (not the greatest session... but oh well). 
I told my therapist I am determined to keep the mindset of forward momentum.
Maybe buy something, maybe pull money out of stocks...
Maybe go to a training in a month or two. 
Maybe bring some friends to the cabin.
Maybe I will have some success on one of these dating apps, or the universe will send someone my way. 
I've been eating half a pint of almond milk ice cream every day. 
I've been trying to go for walks, but the weather has been like 90 % humidity and gross. It makes my feet swell and that is super disturbing (like I was looking up the ways I was going to die) and just uncomfortable.

This weekend, I played some computer games. Watched some Jane the Virgin (still my fav show right now). Watched the Old Guard on Netflix and felt like my novel is a little trite between the movie and other stuff -but still want to write more. I'm creeping up on 40 years old and really need to get back to writing. Watched over an hour of people reacting to great music on youtube today, there is something about watching someone else love something you love... I was thinking about how I always wanted to share stuff with M, and hoped she would have the same reactions. She did with some stuff. But others not so much.  I guess I've been thinking about that a lot lately. The other day I woke up and saw something Jesse had posted on instagram and I was just so profoundly aware that I love that she is who she is. And it made me sad that I can't have that with M. And it made me angry at myself for dwelling so much on the people who I am hurt by, and not the wonderful people I have in my life.  But I love loving. And I am sad that the person I loved doesn't have the integrity to live her life the way she said she wanted to. And I am also sad that she couldn't love me or chose not to.  
As is so often the case, it has made me question if anyone will be able to. Maybe we are not supposed to be loved like that. Or rather, the feelings of love may be that way, but we still need to hold each other accountable, so we temper our feelings with conditions/boundaries that are necessary even if painful.

Where is the growth if I stay still?
Thats the reason for the forward momentum, even a mistake is not a mistake if you learn. Calculated risk, but take a risk. 
I can learn and heal, and if I don't, I can be bitter and die just as alone and afraid as I am now... and all of that is human. This being human is a gift that I don't want to waste... but watching a little tv has felt nice this weekend. 

Back to work. It shouldn't be the busiest week, but won't be easy either. I should probably make some plans with folks. If you don't reach out, they don't reach back.

No se

Got a new computer last week, slowly been figuring it all out. Had some moments of frustration that will probably not be recalled.
I wonder how much of my life will wind up as memories?

Been trying to hang with folks a bit more. Saw some friends this weekend, played computer games a lot too.

Today I am thinking laundry and maybe a book.
Got to get back to Jane the Virgin too, right?

Been looking up condos and prices, a little bit of talk with Illy about getting a Duplex.
Mostly looking in the range of 230k and below.
Lots of housing association fees on condos. Tricky.

Been using dating apps. I must write the least interesting bios ever, I get no love on dating apps.
My mom tells me I should ask friends for dates.
several billion people in the world, and I am very rarely interested in folks  "like that."

I really like my Supervisor. I need some folks like her in my life, super smart, super grounded in values and ways of being in the world, full of grace for herself and everyone else so that you can be authentic, but also a challenging person.

I saw that post on insta, ask the universe for someone intellectually, emotionally and sexually compatible, I'll add in spiritual. But man... if the life styles don't work out. Yikes.
I mean, if you loooooooove dogs, I don't want to take that away from you by the fact I find them smelly.

moving forward

Last week my therapist said I needed to come up with something to keep momentum, keep moving forward, some sort of project or new thing, otherwise he assumed and I assume that I would get stuck again.

A friend of mine decided to buy a house, and sent me some listings for condos and stuff, so I started wondering about that. But it feels a little like buying something just to buy, even though it might be the best time to pull money out of stocks and put it into something more secure. The only condos I've even looked at are near eat street. I'm not sure if I am ready for that. Plus, my mom mentioned condos usually have fees and to make sure I didn't end up spending 1000 on a mortgage plus 500 more on fees. 

Other people say get a cat. 

Some part of me just wants to play computer games on the weekends, devolve into a child. 

I keep thinking about my book, and how it would be good to get back to writing. At the same time, I am falling behind on paperwork for work, so maybe I am not in the mood for writing. 

I think I had envisioned joining some sort of club or something, something social. 

I keep hoping to find a partner or a crush to get me motivated. 

We went to a massive park with my niece this morning, I took a nap all afternoon. 

M went up north, presumably with the kids and her boy - life just keeps moving forward, whether you are in it or not. (My reaction was a mixture of heat, envy, jealousy, defensiveness, grief, longing, anger, a drain in energy). I liked that she was action oriented, I needed that in my life (could use some now). From pictures and comments it is so easy to assume people are happy, but people don't suddenly grow more mature, so I have to assume there are a lot of insecurities and anxieties under the surface -and then again, I don't have to assume anything, because it doesn't matter. 

I take a long time to get over people... this is the problem with loving deeply.

Watching a lot of Jane the Virgin and Kitchen Nightmares this weekend.

I am expecting a computer to get delivered to me this week, and even the idea of a computer getting delivered is giving me anxiety (as in, what if they break it or it gets stolen).

Might see Dad for dinner this week.

Might see a peer from grad school.

Not sure what else yet.  Gonna do some reading, maybe get some work done today. Eat some veggies. 

And then the flip side

Chatting with a friend, and thought, you know, we as a people have never had so many things put into perspective all at once. We are disappointed, frustrated, grieving and suddenly aware how inadequate our systems are, how corrupt our institutions have become, our leadership inept.

This could be the most brilliant pivot in the history of humanity.
We could all come together right now and say "we could do this better."

And then do it...

take back the commons, the public for the public
green energy
no more guns
a garden in every park, church, school, and lawn
food grown and prepped within 30 minutes,
music, dance, theater, story telling, public and everywhere
the resurgence of the library as a community hub,
schools reorganized so that they are more than just babysitting/factories
healthcare made free for those who need
term limits, limited and publicly funded elections,
prisoners let free and voting rights restored
no more private prisons/ no detention centers,
end homelessness
end militant policing
end endless wars
reinvest in the local and the global
invest in a culture that accepts life, death and everything human and natural

We could do all of that and more.
We could do it now on a global scale or a local one.
In an anarcho-communalist way, a democratic socialist way, a totalitarian way...

My friend mentioned people look to leaders to do these things.
These are big things, but they are also the things that will happen regardless eventually.
If we don't find ways to embrace ourselves, we will just keep struggling until we do.

Confusing use of time

This will be deeply cynical so don't read if you don't want to be depressed.



Sometimes I get into these states where I am not sure if I have anything to say. 
People tell me to write, to use my voice, to speak up about the things I have knowledge of... and I do sometimes. But ultimately, I am not sure it matters all that much. I simply trick myself into believing I have some power for a time, and then when it dissipates I am left reminded that I am nothing. I have nothing to say, I simply talk the same talk that everyone else does... its human gibberish. 

I was hanging out with Illy for an hour, I ran out of stuff to talk about. It was hot out. I am lonely. I have no drama or passions. I work. I sit around my house. If you want to talk politics or religion or history or sociology, we can chat for a while. But if you don't care about any of that. 
Whats going on in your life?   Nothing.
Illy tells me to dream more. To fantasize. To manifest. 

She talks about buying a house, or a building. I say with what money. She says the money will come. 

I am tempted to want to write something important... something thought provoking, but what do I have to say?   I want to know how we get out of this. Is it a slow and gradual fading away of the caution? Is it a massive change?  Do we use this opportunity to recreate ourselves? our society?

I've been having this depressing thought lately that I am not really needed in this new timeline, that maybe most of us aren't.  What skills do I have to bring? What interests? What worth do I have? 
-Its not dissimilar to the thoughts the teens have as they look forward and see that their worldly interests have no real value. They want to play video games for a living. Of course they do, it's all they have known. 

We live in a society where our value, our worth is based on such silly things. We take pleasure and get our ego from such stupid things, a new instagram post, a new car, a new job that we don't get to explain but spend all our time worrying about.  None of it is real. 

We walked in and out of stores, where gathering was limited and masked. How many businesses will close? How many people will lose housing and insurance? How many people will be disposable? 

I've been thinking that that is the reality people are waking up to with racism, sexism, gun violence, eco-crisis, all of it... Human lives don't matter in our society. Our wallets maybe... but they won't soon. Our rights can be trampled easily. And accountability may happen in spurts, but ultimately it won't matter all that much. 

We might turn it around on a political level and go back to moderate "sanity" but we are heading towards a future where human life doesn't really matter. There are too many of us already. We are dependent and needy. On a worldly scale we aren't adding anything except more to consume by the mob. The US has become a third world country, and we are waking up to the reality of how that feels. 
-To exist, without purpose in the scheme except as fodder. 
-To have to make our own purpose, and hold tight to it, despite the prevailing forces telling us otherwise. 

And will we?  I imagine communes and intentional communities could sprout up. Organic farms, small communal cultures, DIY stuff. That could happen again, but not likely before it goes to shit first. More like Earthseed in the parable of the sower. People will unite against the fall... but the fall will happen regardless. 

And in some ways it's about time. 
This is what we deserve for choosing this. 
Idiocracy. 

And what role am I to play?
I always thought I would be the first to get bit my the zombie, the first to die of the plague, the first in the crowd. I never wanted to survive the apocalypse, and I am not sure I want to if it comes to that. 
I have dreams and vision. I have skills, and strategies. I could be helpful in a community. and maybe some part of me hopes that I could be.
But it feels weird to recognize that maybe the time has come, and I am not.
I am not in a community. 
I am not pushing back against the tide. 
I am not leading or supporting the resistance, and neither am I steering the boat that navigates the deluge.
I am a bystander, a cog, an invisible, and if I were bitten by a zombie I would be just as indiscriminately disposable. 


In many ways we have been sold this idea in the US that we are individually important, the American dream has become a dream of stardom. And so, even when we are surrounded by loved ones who need us, we still wonder... am I destined for something bigger?  
But billions have come before and become ash without leaving a trace. Likely I will too.  
This being human... is so fascinatingly complicated... and so simple... live or die, find meaning or don't, there isn't a right or wrong here. It just is and when it isn't, you can grieve, or move on.

What Your Home Says About You...

One of the discussion M and I had before dating was about making a home. I found it easy to make a home with her. We had similar styles, similar desires for cleanliness, and appreciation for minimalism but with some thought.  I don't make my space much of a home. I feel weird about inviting people over, I don't hang stuff on the walls, I don't decorate nearly enough. It functions. It functions ok... but isn't very 'homey,' I wonder how much of this is a lack of self knowledge, or a desire to not project my 'self' into the space, to not take up space, even in my own apartment. Maybe I want to make room for someone else, make it have some purpose or meaning beyond me. Maybe I just don't care enough about myself to want things to be aesthetically pleasing.



I've been asking the universe for a partner who is spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and sexually compatible. I read it on someone's instagram post and thought, yeah... but now I try to cram all these other desires into those. Like, values... is that covered by spirituality? where does desire for activity go?  on Bumble they say nightclub or Netflix, and I can't imagine going to a nightclub anymore. But I desire someone who is social and can get me out of the house. Where does "not offended by my picky eating habits" go? Where does "has some interests in common" go? "A similar life style?" "no dog?"

I find myself sorting through people on dating apps as if there is some right fit, but the truth is it doesn't work like that. You meet, you find out.

M and I thought we had spirituality in common, intellectually and emotionally and sexually we were compatible at times, and other times totally incompatible! life style?  I always wanted her to slow down, to take better care of herself, to dedicate time to us... she always wanted more adventure, more fun, more work (Anything to stay busy?).   But when we were sitting around the apartment, or out for a walk, or eating dinner, watching netflix, I felt like we were very compatible. I would have done it the rest of my life.

I struggle with this idea of -How do I take a shot, without over reaching...?

I am normally too cautious. Ok, I get that. But if I am not cautious enough, what

happens?

Long weekend

I had therapy today, I went grocery shopping, I took out the garbage. 

Nothing much else. 

When I was younger I often found myself in situations where my anxiety or fear forced me from being part of things, like I couldn't do _____ because I was afraid of _______, rollercoasters and heights, competitive sports and pain, new restaurants and picky eating...

What does it mean when you spend a holiday weekend alone without anyone asking?

When your conversation is with your paid therapist?

It doesn't mean when you worry it means, but it doesn't feel good either. 

If I could go to a holiday celebration would I?  I don't know. This is not a holiday I celebrate, but would I want to be around people?  I don't know. Some family gathering? I don't know.

It's been hot out, and the air quality is low,  and my eyes hurt because something got in them and scratched, and my throat still hurts. 

My therapist provided the interpersonal feedback that I seemed caught up in the malaise, and that unless I decided to be more active, it would stay this way. It could be a month or a year, but something needs to happen. 

-This is like the advice I give my students, gotta get up and move, doesn't need to be successful just something, take a risk, take a step, even a mistake can be better than stuck. 

My therapist assigned it as homework. I have three weeks to take a step.  What will that look like?

What can I join? What can I add? What can I change?

-

Yesterday I went to the mall and had this realization that maybe the things really are changing for the worse and for the long haul. A new reality. My supervisor made the joke that we were living in the worst simulation, the worst quantum reality, someone fucked up somewhere, its time travel.

None of this is new. Nothing all that interesting.

-

I keep thinking about writing, but I don't want to do anything... don't have any mirror to reflect it back.

-

I keep wondering if trying to date is worthwhile... I ask the universe for someone who is compatible. But what I want is someone who adores me as much as I adore them. Want them to want to cuddle onto me at every opportunity, not me to have to pull them.

I still miss M, still sad. 

But I am also very aware how one sided the relationship became. 

And it makes me recognize what it means when you ignore your own intuition... but I thought I was moving in and not listening to my fears and anxiety. I was trying to grow and challenge myself.

Maybe that's also why it's been so painful, the loss wasn't just the relationship but the idea that I could adapt and make things work. 

I have a lot of work to do but it is really hard to hold myself accountable. 

books, bullshit on youtube, netflix, snacks... same old patterns, same old thoughts, same old circumstances. 

I am imprisoned in my self.

long weekend begins... here's some complaints

Ok I will try to balance some of the complaints. Life is a series of small ups and downs. Ultimately I am not feeling very much meaning right now...

Today so far has been one of those days where I might as well have not woken up.
I have the day off.
I tried to do a little bit of work, but haven't really invested in it.
I bought a computer because I've been thinking about it and I was bored, so I went to the store but they had a long line. It felt like the world has changed totally, and I might as well become an online shopper so I went home and bought it and it will be shipped in a few weeks. No going back now.

I think I might get some work done. I might watch some more Jane the Virgin, which has been like 3 hours every night.

No one has called or texted, and I am not hanging out with anyone till I get my covid test back.

Pete and Susan had a baby!

What else????
Sometimes I think that the reason I don't find anyone attractive or interesting is because the universe is trying to keep me from jumping in with the wrong person while they prepare the right one. Or at least until this throat/tongue infection goes away. Couldn't kiss anyone right now if I wanted to.

I've been bored and lonely, it leads to drama in my head.

It's like 95 degrees out and the air quality sucks, so not only does my throat hurt, but my eyes hurt too.

Probably take a nap. See if I wake up with something on my mind. This weekend would be the perfect time to read/write. But I am too busy watching bullshit on youtube and being mean in my head.

I've been thinking a lot about how my romantic relationships are so anxiety provoking. How I am always nervous that I will upset the other person... and I've been seeing these relationships where the people know their partner is flawed, and love them anyway. Want to curl up next to their imperfect partner and exist with them.

I think it must be hard to be my partner. I have this growth mindset where anything can be improved on... that doesn't necessarily mean I expect it, but maybe I don't cut the other person enough slack... I don't think they realize I adore them, and that it takes effort to not be gooey.

DTYG;bhrbhj

I woke up a little grumbly.
Once I got some coffee in me, I felt ambitious. I thought to myself, you should write 5 pages a week and chart all your writing and exercising and be proud of yourself! You should buy a new computer! You should blah blah blah
Went for a walk with my Dad. Even created an idea for a business with him.
Got back home.
Made some food.
Suddenly lost all motivation.
Took a nap.
Its gonna rain.
I haven't done anything.
Not sure what what what what

blah blah blah blah blah blah

Watching a Ted Talk:

"Are my thoughts useful?
How do they behave?"



It's Saturday. I have some work to do. I might meet up with a friend from college. I will likely take a walk today. It's been hard to do the self care, too hot, and my patterns are too set. I should try something new? What would that look like? How might it be different and pleasant, or at least an experience.


Europe might keep us out because we can't manage our disease.
A judge told the US Government they have to stop imprisoning immigrant children by mid July.
The polls show Biden in a lead of almost 14 points and I believe neither of these men should be in office. There is an ongoing struggle for justice, for equality, for accountability, for reconciliation, for healing.


I am most interested in playing games, in escape, in drugs, in fantasy.  I have no crush. I have no group of friends to sit on patio furniture with. I am feeling lonely.


As far as we know, we are the only species smart enough to know ourselves, and thus we spend so much time pitying ourselves. I am unhappy, and yet, unwilling to change. I could go inward, outward, focus on the ground or the heavens. But I am pitying myself instead. Funny. And funny also that when we don't sooth our emotions, we actually do worse.


My friend is grieving the loss of a long time canine companion. She has dedicated herself to these animals, and their loss is painful. I remember losing Fuzzy my first cat. I remember seeing him everywhere after. I remember feeling like I had lost my guardian angel, and my little brother writing me a note and telling me not to hurt myself.  The loss of innocence again, and again, painfully. My friend reminds me that pets are the very best, that they remind us to love unconditionally. And I remark, that maybe we don't deserve them... (or maybe I am just speaking of myself).


I was taking a shower and thinking about how I tell my students that simply maintaining during quarantine is success, and so many of them are doing more than that. They write goals, an idea of a routine that I know they will not follow through on... but what if they did? They heal relationships. They challenge their negative thoughts. They take steps forward.


Thoughts and thoughts and thoughts, swirling and accumulating and eventually turning into nothing, turned over and over into the soil of the next repeated thought. People in survival mode don't experience this, they focus on the task of survival, they act or do not, because the behavior itself is meaningful -giving life, ending life, giving purpose, losing purpose. My purpose is all held at arms length right now.


We have lost all perspective... or at least I have. I want to make meaning of my life, am so desperate for everything to be something, that I forget the moment. I want to be in relationship, but hide my heart away. I want novelty, but stick to my routine. I want to learn but don't put myself in challenging situations. I am so afraid all the time... and what am I afraid of?  My own thoughts and feelings. The sensations I experience in my body and mind.  The discomfort, the agitation, the ambiguity, the boredom, the sitting with it, the experiencing of it, the mundane and the ecstatic. Love and loss. The things that create perspective, that create motivation, that create memories and change personalities, and move us through time into new spaces.


"There is no way to know -which way your heart will go..." unless you subdue and control and never do anything risky...


I have my reasons for doing this... do I have my reasons for changing?


Are my thoughts useful? 
How do they behave? 


They give me swirls to adventure on without moving. They protect my heart from its audacious yearning. They allow me to connect without getting pummeled.

Human shadows

I am reading the enneagram book and frustrated that I am unsure of my "type," more and more I think it must be a 9. But all of them feel so familiar, and I am not sure if this is just because the enneagrams are just archetypal ideas of human personality, and therefor we are all a bit of each, or if its because I am just so used to taking on other people's stuff that I have to think about it from their perspective and thus it feels familiar.
I seem to have a lot of 2, 5, 6 and 9 traits.
9 6 and 3 are all related, and I realized I am very attracted to 3s.
But the "wings" of a 9 are 8 and 1, and both of these are also very powerful in my life.

My mom thinks she is a 7. When I think of her whole life path, she seems like a very integrated 7, one who has worked through their shit, and found their contentment.

My brother took a quiz and says he's a 4. I know a lot of 4s, folks who feel abandoned by the world and overwhelmed by it at the same time.

But overall, I don't know that I am very good at naming other people or my own type. Maybe I need more practice.




Last night I got very little sleep. It was like 90 degrees and I had all sorts of fans blowing all different directions, and a pillow that makes my jaw ache sometimes. But I woke up in a decent mood. I had a good day. I felt capable and optimistic.




A few days ago I started lusting after someone I don't know. It gives me something to occupy my time, a fantasy, a perversion of sorts. What has been weird is that it seems to be helping me be more optimistic about the future. I normally don't think of my sex drive as a good thing (though I should probably try to integrate my shadow self (eye roll)), my lust has always seemed to get me into trouble, confused me, made me less respectful, less a person of integrity. But... rather than dwelling on the old, I am thinking of the future. My sex drive is motivating me to consider options, to fantasize, to plan... it's kind of a weird preoccupation. Not even a crush, just a fantasy.
But I wish I did have a crush... I think that would make me feel even more motivated.
-I guess I am trying to figure out if I am ready for new things in my life. I mean, my work is starting to feel more balanced. It will always be tough, but I am figuring out ways to cope. I think if I had something else to focus on, I would be in better shape with work and life. In general, I am starting to reel from being dissatisfied, or rather, recognizing that what I am currently doing is not enough. I need to change, and my circumstances need to as well. 



I guess what I am trying to say is that I am trying to embrace all parts of my life again instead of trying to squeeze myself into a narrow identity. It's hard work, and I am not sure I am very good at it.
I've been giving up parts of me in order to be able to help other folks, but I think I need to flip the script and remind myself that living authentically is what inspires folks to do the same, not catering to their fears and insecurities. Cutting off parts of ourselves, is not the path to enlightenment regardless of what Hermanigildo Thurgood's says.

Stretching

I'm trying to make this sound well thought out, but it isn't.

I have a yearning to share my learning, my growing, and some part of me feels compelled to share it with M, and some part of me hopes it leads to something with her.

It's kind of like when you are excited by a new thing, and want to share it.
But I chose someone who doesn't want to be that person for me.
So now every time I feel good about something, I turn, and then feel bad about stuff.

I was doing some healing work, and I realized, that this is still an area I need to address. The turning (yearning), is different than the disappointment and heart break. They may seem to happen simultaneously but they are two different experiences. I have to figure out how to address the desire to be seen by the person who has rejected me. To be understood. To have things tied up neatly.

Or learn acceptance. Learn that it won't happen and be ok with it, move forward regardless.

In the past this has taken years, and that was with people I could still occasionally talk to for reassurance. This one is different. All my attempts to make things work, led to being pushed away harder. All my attempts to understand her, haven't helped me let go. 

But I think some of the healing work I am doing for me, is making it easier. It's just hard to be alone. 

---------

Hours later I walked around and started to cry. Just feeling sorry for myself. Feeling alone in a world full of people. Feeling like the things I was trying to build weren't going anywhere. What do I want?
I want a partner and a family. I want love. I want to build something worthwhile. 

A couple days ago, my 7th graders from Guatemala graduated high school. Life continues. 
I need to move forward.


-______

Hours later. After a week of wanting to check M on facebook I just did.
It was a little hard, so many pictures of life continuing, so many people checking in on her. Pictures of her smiling. References to her boy friend's children. I continued to breathe, and suddenly it wasn't painful. It was almost nice. It was nice to see her happy. It was nice to see her involved in something. I think I know I have mixed feelings, but it was almost relieving... I wish her well.  (Maybe it was just a dopamine soothing -I got my fix). 

I will probably have more heartbreak (like the moment I try to go to sleep). But it was a nice reminder that life continues. I wanted her life to continue. I wanted her to move forward.

But what about me? (Thats what I was crying about -after all). It feels a little "always a bridesmaid." 

Am I ready for this hypothetical next relationship? Am I ready to work through things? Do I trust that I am capable? Do I even want to put in the effort... Am I willing to open my heart again?  I guess it doesn't have to be answered tonight. 

I've been struggling with my own life not feeling on track. I am feeling a lack of confidence in all the things I do. 

My job is fine, and I could move up in the company... but do I want that? Im struggling just to get some of the necessary paperwork done. I wanted to do this job to have more of a team, and I spend all day in my apartment, mostly only checkin in with my coworkers via text. 
Quarantine has made everything harder. No church. No groups. No assurance that we can look forward to anything. 

I feel alone in all things. And my self care and spirituality helps sometimes... but it is so hard to stay consistent, hard to stay focused when I am not sure what to try to build. 

I chatted with my mom and grant the other day and it was the best conversation I've had (other than illy) in months.  Intellectual, at my level.

I'm eating edibles to escape. I mean... really?

I want to have a home that people can come to. But that isn't possible right now.
I want to have a partner. A family. 
I want to be able to travel again.
I want a better world to raise kids in.
I want to keep growing as a person, to understand more fully, to be present, to be accountable, to have people challenge me to grow and and reciprocity in giving and receiving. 

I don't really feel capable of doing any of this alone. 
I'm sick of doing it alone. 
I can't imagine these people who are single for 60 years.
Some nights I wonder if there is even a point. 
I'm not actually suicidal. But I am really struggling with my foundations.
I thought I was building solid foundations. And they keep crumbling all around me. 
There goes my attachments, and rather than breathing out and letting them dissolve, I am grieving grieving grieving even months or years later. 

Am I gonna be hung up on M till I am 40?  Am I gonna finish my novel? Am I gonna start a business? Am I gonna switch professions again?  Will I go back to school or teach?  Will I get to see SE and E Asia? Australia? Portugal? and all the other places I started thinking about.

My life is soooo tricky. It's hard to have food restrictions, and weird hang ups, and fetishes. It's like asking the people you invite into your life, "hey, do you mind being amazingly open to the fact that I am awfully shut down?"   

___________

I am reading about enneagrams. I can't decide which one I am, or rather I keep thinking I am 4 of the 9. Even the first time I read about them, I felt drawn to at least 2. Right  now I am pretty sure that I am a two, a five, a six, and a nine. The author talks about how each type wrestles with certain fears, and tries to solve problems in certain ways. If that is the case, then I am all 4 of them and sometimes a few others. I think this is why its so easy to read other people, though at the same time I have a hard time "typing" others. Or maybe I just don't trust my instincts and intuition. I am aware of how much I hide from people, so I imagine they must be too. 
Although lately, every new person who meets me says I am wonderful... 


I wish I felt wonderful.
I spent a lot of time crying today over feeling rejected. I hate rejecting people and I hate being rejected. It feels like all the fears of my 4 enneagram types are true.
You are not lovable, not good enough, not capable, can't be whole, will always be separate, always alone...
It's not true. I am lovable. I am good. I am capable. I am complex, multifaceted and working towards integrating in an authentic way, I am surrounded by loving folks, and my future is hopeful.
Now I just wish I could hold onto that. 

Tummy aches

One of the fun things about life is that everything is connected.
Sometimes I can't tell the difference between anxiety that is causing me to have a stomach ache, and a stomach ache that causes me to feel anxious. What a human, eh?

Today I am feeling very lazy, or rather, I want to do the opposite of what I "should" do. I should do work, I should eat healthily, I should get out of bed, I should reach out to friends, I should do more exercise and drink more water. I have done some of it. But I have a stomach ache, and I am in bed, and I don't really want to work on a friday afternoon, and the consequences will probably hit me either way, so I am punishing my future self... apparently... for my desire to be obstinate today.

I am reading some Teal Swan on Loneliness.
I am gonna pick up The Enneagram of Belonging in a moment and start from the first chapter.
I know I need projects and day dreams to be motivated for the future, but I am struggling because I have a stomach ache, to move away from the present. Sickness is weird that way. I feel a little under the weather, so everything becomes meh.

I keep going back in time. Replaying old stuff. Thinking about things related to old relationships.
In my book I make a lot of references to relationships as gravity, some people's mass pulls me.
But I am also doing some healing. Or at least I think so. I don't know what healthy boundaries look like, what delaying gratification looks like.

I keep wanting new stuff in my life, and not making room, not setting it into motion. I can't figure out how to create the situation for newness to come in -especially during quarantine.

Reset

After writing that (or during the beginning) I got really high last night for the first time in several years.
It felt wonderful to let go of things.
It felt like I had years of baggage winding me up and I just recognized it wasn't mine. 
At one point I laughed at how silly religions are, in that they intellectualize and ritualize the insights of being high. 
I could see how easy it would be to self medicate out of my anxiety. How connected and insightful everything feels. How it makes me feel connected (when I am not all that connected).
I can also see how quickly it would cause me to lose motivation. 
I could not be even remotely functional that way.

The shifts in perception were so lovely, even though I could tell they could also lead to paranoia. At one point I felt very much aware of my surroundings 360 view, and knew that I was simultaneously witnessing from inside and out. 

The sensory... the music, the jokes, the art, the humanness was lovely. Experienced without the head weighing it down. 

I woke up anxious as normal. Dreading that I would not be able to accomplish what I needed to in the day. It was familiar, and disappointing, balance is ok I guess. 

But I do feel lighter. Less responsible for the universe and more part of it.

I wonder if any of the "lessons" will stick with me.
Like that recognition that the circumstances that create the opportunities for difficult relationships come not from the foresight decision, but from the way we heal the wound.
If you heal the wound, you won't desire to be cut open the same way.

Like the recognition of how rigidly I hold onto the universe, try to trap it in my formulas.

Like the recognition of how I have fragmented my fun side, and how I can still dance with it's beautiful orange glowing self. Just let go,  flow, be bright, enjoy the subtle sensations of body. Give it a hug, invite it back in. No judgements for real. Just enjoying.

Like the recognition that maybe I need some sort of substance to let it go sometimes, maybe its ok and human to do so. Maybe it draws me back into the universe that I am desperate to leave. Maybe it allows me to discard all the emotions I've taken on that have wrapped around my lower back, clawed their ways into my sides, grind and clutch at my shoulders. They don't have to be stuck and gooey, I can just drop it sometimes. No more brambles and mud, the empathy can be a tool, but it shouldn't get me stuck on my journey.

Like maybe I can forgive myself and others, for our humanity, for our silliness, for our mistakes that lead to learning. That I can just love and admire again without the heaviness of judgment and shame, which are always there because I am so afraid of pain, others being in pain, etc. I can just acknowledge how good it is. I don't have to take responsibility for other people's stuff. I can just acknowledge it. 

Like maybe no one really recognizes how wound up I get, how they don't actually realize my anxiety and rigidity. How they don't see how much effort I have learned to put in, so they can't meet my needs without me telling them. They can't be there for me because I hide it. I have to be there for myself, and forgive myself, and be vulnerable myself, to let them in without wariness. To just acknowledge -hey I am a fellow human and I am hurt, and need support, before it becomes too much.

Like how the things I already knew, became simplified and focused. M needed to reject me because I was getting too close to the truth of her vulnerable inner child, she becomes afraid and runs, and avoids and hides, and schemes, just like a little one, out of self protection.

I can't do anything about that, that is someone else's stuff to deal with in this life. I can't fix folks. I can only sit with them, love them, let go of the hurt as I go. And things will flow and change, and that is good. New ideas, new possibilities, new creativity, out with the old, in with the new. It's coming either way.

reminder

Mike you invited her into your life so that you could learn a lesson.

You were disappointed as a kid when you got your hopes up too much. Whether it was the ice cream or the divorce. Whether it was others having to take care of your brothers. It was heart breaking, it was humiliating, it was not your fault, and probably had nothing to do with you. 

You decided that you had to control the situation (your broken heart) by not getting excited, not feeling you deserved anything. 
You internalized an idea that you are only worthy when you were the good boy, the nice one, the one who takes care of others. 
You seek out people who you know could break your heart. You let them in because you think if they could love you then it would prove the story wrong. They are exciting, they are the ecstasy you desire, no one else is as thrilling. You think you can play your role to earn them. It won't ever work. 

This cycle will continue to play out until you recognize the hurt, and change the story. You are deserving of love and excitement. You are deserving without having to earn it. You don't need to take the pain to prove anything. You don't have to live up to others expectations. You can simply be who you are, authentically. 

Stop blaming and shaming. You were humiliated, again and again for anything you desired. Now you feel ashamed of getting your basic needs met. Stop denying or you will continue to act out. Either way you betray yourself,  just stop.

You are deserving of having your needs met, just ask. You are deserving of having boundaries. Of taking pleasure in things. You deserve hope and excitement. Stop being afraid of everything. Its not something you have to prove to yourself. 

You're afraid of the pain. The pain won't kill you. The pain will go away. You can embrace the wound, you can heal it yourself now.  It's not the adult you that is hurt, it's the child. This is why you chose her. This is the karma.   It's not about proactively choosing a different path, its about what you do in response. This wound was always the outcome, if not this time, then the next. How will you respond to the wound this time? 

Mas drama

I am about to spend my day writing case notes. Little summaries of other people's business.

It's almost 11, I have not been very productive. I probably need to buy an air conditioner today.
I have a workshop in a couple of days that I have not prepped for. Everything is fine.

My mind wants to wander.
My mind wants to replay drama, make sense of stuff, take control. I have a hard time sitting with the boredom, the loneliness, the feeling of not being productive, or having meaning.

I have been trying to stop avoiding hurt and fear, but I am not sure if it helps to go back. I want to reopen my heart without being afraid. I have been rereading old emails. There is a whole world lost between each entry. There is time. There are stories. There is what is missing.

I spend my time analyzing people. Get to know them, love them on a million levels.
I am having a hard time letting go, I have nothing new yet to fill it in with.

In the emails, sometimes I find new ways of interpreting things, but it is all platitudes. Talk, without action, no responsibility taken, and all the promises broken.

And yet, here I am dwelling.
Why do I take so much responsibility for others? Talking for them only leads to them not taking responsibility for themselves. My voice drowns out theirs.

A couple people have pushed back on me recently, saying I am not giving myself enough opportunities, and trying to control other peoples narratives. But I feel like I am simply interpreting actions.
My mind is full of cognitive distortions, but more often than not I am correct:

• This person isn't into me because they aren't curious about me, they just want attention (mind reading). 
• This person isn't right for me because they have their own path, and I can already tell it will veer (fortune telling).

Or is it that I make myself correct?  Is this a self defeating behavior, my way of controlling?
It's hard to say.  I am frustrated will M for pushing me away and then saying I left and didn't love her. Thats her pattern in life.
My pattern? I don't let anyone get close too close, and when they do, suddenly they feel duped by my neediness. I keep people at a distance and then complain that I am lonely. I don't reach out enough, out of fear of being taken advantage of, or out of fear of being too needy.

I sit around and think, rather than act. Intellectualizing.

The Freedom/Connection Split within Humanity

Same old

I was sitting at the lake today, the sky was clear and sunny, but the wind made it really pleasant. There were lots of people out. I sat on a bench alone and read about loneliness.

I've been thinking a lot about that lately, because I am flooded with it routinely. These last few days I've been trying to figure out what to do with my life. I've been trying to sit with feelings. I've been reading and listening to podcasts and speeches. I've been trying to sit with ideas. I've been writing. I've been trying to sit with reality.

What has come up is a lot of thoughts, feelings, memories and a lot of the feeling of being left out.

One of the podcasts I listened to talked about how white folks need to develop a culture to deal with their white body trauma. I think most of us white folks realized a long time ago that our white american culture is really unsatisfying, and mostly pushes for individualism whether we mean to or not and reinforces capitalism which separates us further. Many of us actually mock traditions of white culture that do lead to community, things like line dancing are seen as backwards, when really they are essential. I am not part of a community, the culture I practice is sooooo individualistic and centered on myself, that I have a hard time inviting anyone into my life, or asking them to be part of things. I deeply desire someone to be interested enough. But I don't create many opportunities. I am not part of enough things to even create the opening.

I've been trying to reconcile the reality of having very little community in my life, with the responsibility that I must accept that I routinely choose to pull away from people, choose situations in which I can withdraw from community easily. I am often overwhelmed, exhausted, nervous. Even the positive things send me running.

The times I have had community -growing up, college, a few times while traveling for a short period of time, LNAS, a few times with my roommates... and in each case I still didn't always feel like I belonged. I felt like I was lucky to be invited to the table. And now?
In many ways, whenever I am not working, I feel almost as isolated as when I am traveling. I know this is due to quarantine, but also just life stage. I reach out to folks and text, but I have very little real interaction. I haven't been touched in something like 9 months except for when I have paid a massage therapist. I haven't been in cultural spaces with other than church, and I don't really know anyone there. I have played games online. I have contributed to work and done a few social engagements with my coworkers, or Illy's coworkers. I have been to a few protests. I have been to family things once in a while.

When was the last time I felt part of something? M. No wonder she comes to mind so readily whenever I am lonely. And the memories aren't all bad. I think part of what was so devastating was the abruptness of her pulling away, she wouldn't admit anything was wrong, and then suddenly she was gone. I went from having a partner that I was building my life with, to nothing in just a few short and silent weeks.  For her, it was obviously longer, but she didn't admit to that, she denied it often despite her behavior, and then after it went from, "I need to figure stuff out" to "You didn't do enough." and then more silence.

I get positive feedback whereever I go, wherever I work, with most of the people I engage with...
But I don't feel a lot of connection or intimacy with folks.

The lion puts his paw on me, and then rests. What does that mean?

I had a dream last night that I was sleeping in a bed with two women friends, snuggling, nothing sexual, but it was very intimate. Very trusting. I had trouble sleeping near them, but it wasn't because I was perving, though I am sure there were some thoughts, it was just because I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have people who I cared about so much sleeping next to me.

Thats been part of the really difficult things to remember given the trauma of our breakup, I loved her, I felt grateful just to have her next to me. And now that is gone, and it makes me question why I don't have anyone in my life who invests in me, trusts me, wants me near.

I didn't see anyone this weekend. Days go by, and I don't see anyone who I love. It feels unnatural to be this isolated. I know everyone who loves me assumes I am fine, and I am... but its so easy to feel entirely invisible when you are not in connection, not close, not connecting in any real way with folks. It's so weird.

On the way home from the lake, I felt more connected, more positive, I walked by Dessa and smirked a smile like I normally do. I never say anything to her. I don't feel like I should impose upon people. I don't invite them into my life. Not sure if that's because I am afraid of not being good enough (my needs) or if I assume I can't be enough for them (their need).
Either way, fear mindset. Not abundance and love.

Its weird to have revelations where you recognize everything is one, everything is amazing, the world is beautiful and lovely, and then still have no one to share it.

Teal  says I need to stop worrying about work and being good, and spend all my time trying to create relationships and community. Resmaa says I need to work on somatics, on the body, on the culture that creates community.  I should probably put more effort into activities, experiences, and less on learning from books and watching youtube.

Whatever... maybe it's time to take a nap.

Saturday Morning

Not sure what to say. I have the weekend. I have next week without clients. I got hella work to do, but also trying to figure how to space it out. I got some projects and life things to do. Like taxes... I still ain't done my taxes, ain't that ridic?

Some part of me wants to watch netflix or play computer games and just say fuck it. 

Some part of me wants to reach out to friends. 

Some part of me wants to journal and go on a self reflective trip.

Some part of me wants to be productive and get a million things done. 


Yesterday I spent too much time sleeping, so I couldn't sleep at midnight, or whenever I tried.
I had a weird dream where a lion placed his paw on me. Where I set myself in a room so that I could see everyone (for better or worse), making myself the center of attention. Where someone's mom sat down in front of me looking like a horror movie. And I was scared and woke up questioning the position I put myself in. 

In my half dream/half sleep space I thought about how in the big picture everything is good. How G-d makes perfect things, and humans forget, and relearn, and that is our job. No parent is the perfect parent, no child grows up perfectly, and thank the universe, because then what would their purpose be? 
It's not each individual action, each mistake, but the process. Where are you at in the process? Are you in the walking away phase? The stepping forward phase? The balancing phase? The sleep phase? The fighting phase? The destroying phase? The creating phase? The nurturing phase?

It wasn't so much that there were specific messages in the dream space, just the overall reality that everything is how it is supposed to be, that it is ok to let go, to stop wanting control, and that even if you can't let go of it, it won't matter. Everything cycles. Everything balances. Every injustice will be righted, and every right will decay into corruption, and that's ok. We can spend our lives fighting for something. We can spend our lives soothing. Everything is everything. Breathe it in, let it be inside you, exhale it into the universe, be part of the universe. 

I find it relieving to be in this place, this place without grasping. There is still a nagging voice in my head that says "you should" but I can choose to listen or ignore, or do the opposite. I can choose to polish the mirror, or let it be clouded over, and both are necessary for a time, I wasn't made perfect for a reason. The lessons that are needed will always come. 
We do this for each other. We do this for the universe. We offer reflection, we offer choices, we offer whether we mean to or not.  

Last night I listened to Brene Brown's podcast where she talks with a dude who writes about enneagrams and I impulsively bought a bunch of books I won't read for awhile. I love learning about the ways humans exist. I found the way the guy talked about people to be familiar. Loving each type of person while acknowledging their fears and pain. 
I've been reading Teal Swan, and though I find her self assurance kind of creepy, I also enjoy her take on things. I just watched a video on how approval and love are not the same thing, and it was a helpful reminder. 
Last night I was watching tarot videos and they kept saying someone would come back into my life, so I reread some old emails, and decided that I liked who I was before. Felt good about how I handled things. And if I have to make decisions going forward, I think I can trust myself to do so.

Pain is such a tricky thing. Sometimes we think we can control the outcome of putting pressure on someone else, but we can't. It's always their choice in how they respond, we can only bring awareness in various forms, offer ourselves as a mirror, our feedback, and they decide.  Maybe this time they choose path a, maybe next time path b, and who is to say which is right?  There isn't a right, just more choices. 

Our society is going through a collective pain, and though it is difficult, who is to say that this isn't exactly what was needed? Who is to say that more pain in this moment, won't lead to better outcomes later? We could choose that. Will we?
I don't know. 
I find it amusing. 


I lose myself so easily. I lose this space so easily. I guess that only shows I am still on my journey. And thank the universe, because what else would I do?

"right"

I have soooo much paperwork to do, and yet I am watching a protest happening a 1.5 miles or so from my apartment.

Sometimes I am not sure what my job is.
Am I supposed to be helping kids conform?
Helping be more themselves?
Guiding their behavior to be acceptable?
Teaching them and their families to accept themselves?
Reminding them of the gray. Reminding them of the boundaries?

Some of the families I work with function better. Some don't.
Kids go to the hospitals. Insurance denies our services.
Parents don't call back. Kids don't choose to change their situations.
What control do I have over any of this?

I try my best and ask them to do the same.




What is my life? I mean really... does it matter? Does it need to?
I could get covid and slip away easily. Maybe I have skin cancer or stomach cancer. Or a fungal infection. Maybe I'll get hit by a car or die in my sleep.

When does life start feeling like it matters again for my selfish ego?

I miss having a partner. Someone to remind me I matter daily. That would be nice. I am not really giving enough credit to my friends and family with this post. They reach out every day even though I suck at doing that. They are pretty much always awesome. I am the spoiled one.

Saying YES! to your Weirdness | JP Sears | TEDxCardiffbytheSea

This is great

A new world, can I change with it?

It is Tuesday, a week later. This morning I woke up late, its like 80+ degrees already, and I am trying not to be crabby. Trying not to fall into drama. 
I am thinking about all the things that have happened in the last week, and how my mind continues to process and reprocess things without conclusion.
I wrote the bottom part of this (in pinkish) last Friday. Over the weekend I donated money, went to a protest, hung out with friends and supported folks who I know are on the front lines. I also checked in with family and supported their needs.  By the end of the weekend, I felt more myself. More confident. More of a voice. More sure of who I am... and yet, it doesn't seem to last. 
Maybe because it is all just ego. 
I am full of blame, guilt, confusion, shame, loneliness.

When I first got back from Central America I was hanging out with a friend who I hadn't seen in years. I needed to vent, to decompress. She listened to me and was supportive, and then on the way home she tried to touch me in ways I didn't feel comfortable with. I stopped talking to her. I didn't say anything. Years later we had lunch together, and I still didn't bring it up. I didn't want to hurt her by telling her she hurt me. 

This morning I am thinking of the parallels between her actions and my own in various situations. It is hard not to blame/defend myself. I want to know if I fucked up, and I want forgiveness. I want to know why the other person did the things they did, and I want to forgive them. There doesn't seem to be an easy line. 

I think on a societal level, we have the same issue. We can't talk about change because we can't acknowledge the hurt. It is too painful to recognize that we have hurt each other, that we are capable of that. I think this is part of how trauma becomes so prevalent. We never heal, even when we desperately want to.

In my work, I often have to give people the benefit of the doubt. Have to assume positive intent. Its exhausting, but it is the only way to heal and work through. Shame and blame rarely lead to change, and yet, we need to acknowledge what is happening. What happens when we are angry/hurt when we acknowledge? We often spread our hurt. We make the other defensive, tell them to back off rather than join us. This cycle isn't healing.

I try to bring this awareness to my relationships, it is difficult to balance. I often end up supporting others, while they cannot or choose not to support me. I end up resentful sometimes. I end up blaming others for "taking advantage of me," when it is just as much my responsibility to ask them for what I need, to hold them accountable for the little boundary violations, etc. 


Unreality
Lately I have been aware that I lose myself easily, in part because I am not grounded in anything. My foundations are not settled. I started a job and then was sent home. Quarantine has separated me from my friends and family. I don't attend church anymore. I read and write. Watch youtube. My sense of reality has been grounded in other folks, who are equally as unsettled.  My routine is set, but it is not life giving, merely sustaining in a sad way. Hard to know what's what, everything is just thoughts in the breeze, sometimes they linger, sometimes they fly away.

I have found myself most settled when I go for walks, or read a book.
I could so easily see myself slipping away right now if I didn't have a job. 
The justice stuff right now, is also a weird unreality. For many people it is impacting their foundations (stores, homes, neighborhoods, family, body), but for me I am on the periphery enough that it is like watching a really unnerving tv show/movie. I hear the sirens and the helicopters, but I don't feel the impact except in my mirror neurons. My empathy, which I choose to extend but can pull back if need be, like shutting my eyes at the scary scene.

This is not mindful non-attachment, this is hanging by a string, this is being forced into the present and fearfully acknowledging a loss of control over the future. Hard to hold anyone accountable to anything, hard not to have all the underlying things pop up over and over and over and over and over and over. 




This was written last friday.

On Monday night a man was murdered by the police in Minneapolis. His name was George Floyd, and he will be remembered.

This week I've gotten to go through plenty of emotional reactions.

Protests, vigils, marches, and community organizing are all taking place and it is inspirational.

I have felt like I can't do enough, don't know what I "should" do, that I am part of the problem.

There are helicopters flying over my apartment.z

I have felt proud of the people I work with, proud of my friends, former students and of the community in which I have gotten to live.

My little brother is about 2 miles away, cars are on fire, and the national guard has been called in.

I have felt so isolated. So lonely. So unsure of who I am and what I am about, struggling to reconcile the idea of who I have been, with what I have become.

Stores I've shopped at in every neighborhood I have lived in during my adult life in MN have been burned to the ground or looted.

I have felt afraid. I have felt hopeful. I have felt grief. I have cried in my car, my home, and in public.

People are gathering supplies all over the cities and distributing them to those affected. Water, food and medical supplies are being given to protesters without question.

At night I can't sleep, I watch live stream videos of riots. And then jump at sounds during the day.

Im losing perspective, gaining it, losing it again.

I feel like this is deserved, and my response is meaningless, trivial, and anything I could do would be ineffective.

I see people making change. I am not going to be part of it. Or maybe I am?

I don't know.

This is all soooo weird.