Dissatisfied

 Up north for mom’s birthday. Feeling dissatisfied. 

It’s been a wake up call to the dysfunction of our family. 

A year ago she asked us to put it on the calendar, maybe that was too much time, maybe it was just that everyone assumed because she asked for a weekend up north, that was the gift. You know? But she gave us gas money and a year notice. So what did we do? We came up, but without much of a plan, no real gifts or birthday cake or nothing. I bought her something she asked for. Brothers wrote a nice card and said they’d get her car detailed. We wrote out 70+ notes all last minute to say thank you, or memories, or something we appreciated about her. It was a nice gesture, but it was all very last minute. So last minute that members of the family were still making/writing them while she waited on the couch wondering what we were doing. It all worked out…

But I felt like we didn’t do enough. My brothers were all able to share really specific funny memories, my mind doesn’t work that way. It’s all themes and meanings, and the general overview. I don’t recall specific little stories that well. But the pages were good. Lots of art. Lots of nice things. 

My step family was kind of the issue… step brothers unclear on what was happening and what was expected of them, and even then somewhat reluctant? Not really engaged until it became obviously they should be. 

Step dad, barely had any input. Like honestly zero. Every story this weekend had to include his thoughts or his input. Frequently he jumped in to share something going on with his work. It felt odd. And he was crabby part of the time, a lot of it because he wasn’t even sure if his kids were gonna show up. And it was unclear if it was about them, or him, or my mom… like who is causing the distress and poor communication here? 

And the. Privately I heard his complaints about how much it costs to put the kids in a hotel etc… and it felt like it was burdening him, rather than him trying to go out of his way to make my mom happy.  I dunno… I guess what I’m saying is his narcissism is worse than I remember. 

No card or gift in front of the rest of us. No cake or candles… I dunno. I guess I’m disappointed in myself. But I’m also disappointed in us collectively. 

I wished it had been a year of making it meaningful. Instead it was, all last minute “oh by the way, I love you.” Then move on to the next thing. Maybe she just wanted us around… time as a family.

I know everyone is busy all the time. Me too. I know the little ones can be a handful and I also need a break from them sometimes - I dunno… just bugs me.  

Maybe there is also just a realization of my own loneliness, no partner to share things with, no one to take care of or be taken care of. I’m not exactly great at the big romantic gestures myself. Every time I’m up here I’m reminded of past times I’m up here. We went to grand marais yesterday… same thing. Passing through Duluth, same thing. Maybe I’m disappointed, because I’m aware I’m not fully living the life I want to be living either. No one to talk to and debrief with. 

Tomorrow head back to daily life, work stress, groceries etc.  no major plans for a while

Want to write my book, selfishly I’d hoped I’d have time this weekend, but instead been spending time with family and coordinating this book thing everyone was contributing to. My brother cooked dinner the last few nights it was nice. 

I dunno. Hard to slow down and be mindful and positive I guess - when I feel like we didn’t do enough. Don’t deserve it. 

What was great: 

Putting together puzzles and talking to brother J and brother C. Getting to talk to N and N about Mexico City. Spending some time with the kiddos. Talking to mom, as usual. Walking the paths without bugs!!!. The new deck. 

Focus

That's an aspirational title. Right now I feel very unfocused. Multitasking poorly. I took the day off to prep for up north. My mom asked us to go up there as a family for her birthday -so I will leave tomorrow. 3 nights. Sounds like its gonna be in the 40s. There were fires last week. Too dry in May...

I had a dream last night in which I left friends to go on an adventure. I was riding on some sort of train or bus with R, everything I touched felt oily and gross, and I felt suffocated as people came aboard. I decided that I needed to get off and walk home, though I wasn't really sure where I was. Eventually I gave R some money to give to someone else (the teacher maybe?). It was kind of a weird thing, not sure who that other person was. Once I got off the train/bus, I checked my phone and realized I was much further away than I'd thought. I was in a city -one of those far off suburbs that became an exurb, and then a suburb, so it has its own history and culture. I was curious. Maybe I'll walk through this city, and then when I get closer to things that are familiar I'll take a bus -I figured. But before I could, I needed to say goodbye to the LNAS folks... where did they come from? No idea, but they were dillydallying. We were in A's apartment I think, and I hadn't seen some of these teachers in years. I was checking in, but not really wanting to get into anything. I was eager to get on my adventure. I said my goodbyes. V told me to get jamaican food or something. I had two paths in mind, one led through a park, the other through an old downtown (like mainstreet).  

When I woke up, I thought it was interesting how in both cases I felt so uncomfortable amongst friends. I was ready for an adventure. I was eager to get away. 

Though I am wanting to celebrate my mom, I kind of feel similarly about this weekend. If I had 5 days off, I'd spend it writing my book. I am hoping to, for part of my time... but being surrounded by others doesn't lead to that usually. 

I am listening to tarot right now. She is like "not internal reflection, outward action."  I am doing the opposite today. My personal spread was Hermit, Star, Fool, High Priestess, Devil, underlying Ace of Pentacles. Almost all major arcana. Maybe that means something. 

My plans for today... do some Spanish. Work on a gift. Go to the bank and get gas. Maybe take a walk. Not much else. I might watch Foundation while I work on the gift... I had considered going to a coffee shop to brainstorm ideas, but I think that was just an excuse to get out of my apartment. 

Everything is so expensive now. 

This week was pretty busy. 5-6 meetings each day. I finished up my notes last night and felt relieved. I need a break. Yesterday I had 6 guys, 4 of them between 50-mid 70s. Cranky in all different ways. I can see myself becoming that if I am not careful. 

Not sure what else to day... I guess my brain isn't fully on... 

morning run

 

Its been difficult to get out of bed.

Last night I ate dinner and basically went to bed early, feeling unmotivated to do any of the things I had said I would. Near around 10, I woke up again and started writing. I was up past 1pm. 

This way of being isn't really sustainable... been doing it the last couple of days and I enjoy the writing again. But it makes me feel unprepared for work.

I had a dream. In the dream, one of my clients who I see today, was sitting on the floor in front of me. She was feeling playful, but between us was this idea that this would be our last session. I wasn't sure why. She had this idea that because I was going on vacation, I wouldn't be returning.

I woke up and wondered if I had the order backwards. That maybe she was saying it was her last session. 

I've been feeling weird since a session yesterday in which a client with trauma was giving me mixed messages. I felt like I wanted to help him explore this time period, but I couldn't get clarity... and I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not. I left feeling like I'd done it wrong... I know these are the feelings he experiences routinely. 

I saw that the guy I am wondering if E is dating continues to become facebook friends with her family. No clarity. Not feeling jealous necessarily, but aware of the feeling of being replaced?  I guess thats what I am noticing. That I have no relationship to invest in, and I am losing the relationships I'd created. 

The day is gray and kind of cold. I am struggling with motivation and mood. I haven't felt this type of moodiness in a long time. I feel down and out... 

It didn't help that I woke to an alert from google saying my password was compromised. Means more work. 

Yesterday I sat with the owner of the clinic downstairs, she introduced me and a colleague to KAP ketamine assisted psychotherapy, the procedure, the impacts, etc. I spent half the time staring at her boo collections, her buddha statues, the mala beads she wore around her neck. She was basically talking about her work and if we were in another culture, she would be talking about shamanism. I left feeling somewhat inspired and hopeful. Only somewhat about the medicine, more about the connection, the humanism, the invitation to be. 

This morning I was wondering if I should try to take her on as a mentor. Develop a relationship. Borrow a book. You know.  

She recommended MDMA for social anxiety, even though its illegal. She was funny like that. Like there were elements she was acknowledging secretly in the open. Maybe thats a path I need to go down. 

But this morning, even though I swallowed a handful of vitamins, I am reluctant to take medicine. Not from this space of want. 

More another day. I have to go to work. 

 

Its that time (like this week) to make decisions about my future. Where do I want to live? Where do I want to work? How much is too much to spend on things I am not even taking advantage of (though my friend did note that I took advantage of the pool table and darts for the first time last weekend). I had hoped to be more active in these buildings, is there room to deepen? To invest? Or is it better to pull up roots and move to the next thing?

I walked around St. Anthony Park (the southside) and questioned. What keeps me here. What makes it hard to move? Why am I having such a hard time getting out of bed lately.

The song Where Do I Go from Hair played in my head as I walked across the bridge back towards my office. I am working from home today, and people keep canceling (3 so far this week) or rescheduling ... so it feels light. 

During the day time I feel good. Yesterday after work (5 appointments and a supervision I'd forgotten about) I got Taco Bell and then crashed by 7pm. I woke up after 10pm. I wanted to keep sleeping but couldn't. An image of a weird sunflower shaped object (sometimes more diamond like) was in multiple dreams. I woke up, and wondered if I should try to make one out of tinfoil. Why? Who knows... something to do in the middle of the night while I watch a tv show. I stayed up till 1AM or so. It was fine. I decided the only thing I really want to accomplish before I die that is entirely within my control is to finish my book.  But I didn't get up to write it. I didn't plan which days of the week I would try to be creative. I just realized that on my death bed I will have a bunch of what ifs, and regrets, but most are about other people. The only thing in my control is what I do. 

My job isn't fulfilling enough. I can't look to it to solve all my issues. My apartment isn't fulfilling enough. I am not satisfied, so I need to go out and do more, explore more, write more. Invite more in... I could ask around in the building to see if anyone wants a board game or card game night, or a book club. 

Meet and interact with more people... but yesterday 6 sessions wiped me out and I felt like I had nothing to look forward to except dreaming. Oh sweet dreams. 

I feel like I am being sooooo dramatic. So self-obsessed lately. 

None of it really matters all that much. Work is work. Whether I am doing a good job or a bad job isn't really all that impactful. People come and go. I am so invested in their lives for a time, and then I am not. 

I've been thinking a lot about how when I am invested in something I get soooo analytical, so in the weeds with it... problem solve, explore, brainstorm, critique, create, try again... but I can't do it all on my own. Need more ongoing support to do stuff. That's part of the problem with the office. We are all too busy and when we are not busy (like me today) we stay home. We invest in our lives outside the office. But anyway... I was thinking about how I see everything through this psychological lens now... clinical... always. And its not entirely helpful for living a day to day life. Like I look at things through these lenses, faith, astrology, tarot, enneagram, psychology... sociology, education... but like... what about just life for its own sake?  It is very hard for me to settle down and just exist... to just chill... to just admire existence. I always want to know how things can improve, or how we can look at them differently...  this isn't new. I just think psychology was like the latest version.  Now I am sort of fed up with reading psychology/clinical/self help books. It's all good. It serves its purpose... but nothing is 100%, no fixes. I guess the more I embrace that idea, the less urgent things seem, and also the less motivated I feel. I am less on the rollercoaster for a moment, and then I do nothing. 

*Maybe I should look into having someone else do my billing, then I wouldn't have to worry about it. Just an aside.  I've been thinking about what I would want to do with my business that would make it more exciting... teaching? workshops?  integrating other modalities? reducing the things I hate like billing?  

But its all so self-absorbed (the way I see life). There is always this *whats next, how do I feel, how do  they feel, what should I do, what should they do   -aspect, instead of just allowing. I am dissatisfied... and because I am -I am withdrawing again. Because why ask a stranger to get coffee? it will turn into me analyzing them. Why invest in something, I'll be drained and feel like I am stretched too thin... why why why... 

So self absorbed you know? 

I sort of need to be self absorbed to make decisions, to set boundaries, to discern, but at the same time it sucks the joy out of life.  I am a joy kill. 

How do I deepen without sucking the joy out of things?

*Made the decision. Staying in this apartment until at least August of 2027. Staying in my office until at least May 2028.

I think I am gonna go to Mexico City in 2027, and ask my mom if she wants to come for part of it. 

I think I am going to start writing my book again, maybe like attend to one chapter a week and I need to send it to someone to hold me accountable. Maybe I pay someone like $10 a week just to hold me accountable. That would be like 500 bucks. If they edited... it would be even better. 

What do you do with your one precious life?

 

Well, the weekend continued to go quietly. Got some groceries. Did some cleaning. Watched a show. Took a nap. Did some laundry. Listened to a cd I haven't listened to in a while. 

It occurred to me that I wasn't looking forward to the week, but I wasn't not looking forward to it  -and that reminded me that just the other day I was talking to a teenaged client who said he hates the weekends because he can't work... and I spent 40 minutes trying to get him to google things to do. 

So I took my own advice. There are a lot of summer festivals coming up in St. Paul. There are some museums I could go to. Some parks. A few things I might want to do on my own, others I could invite someone to. 

I didn't do any of them. In fact, I looked at my next weekend and saw that I had nothing, when my Brother texted and asked if I could help out with a kids birthday party. And I said, hit me up if you need me, but wasn't enthused. I didn't reach out to anyone. Barely said Hi to my mom (who was out of town). 

There is sort of a love hate of people I guess.   I didn't want to leave the house much today. Could have sat outside and read a book or something. Could have gone for a walk. Could have sat at a coffee shop and done some writing. 

There is a weird thing about life... no right way to do it, but I found myself bored with my own life, and then wondered why I was unwilling to do something about it. How strange. 

I think I might be the world's biggest complainer. 

The week looks pretty easy work wise, 4-5 clients a day. 

A thing for my brother on Thursday, picking up a friend at the train station Friday. Maybe this kids party Saturday.

Church Sunday? same old chores, same old routine. 

I should start playing board games at a store, or join an art project that I don't have to do anything but show up, or take a writing class...  Something...

I guess its bed time.

Mothers day

I struggled to respond to my alarms this morning, or rather made the choice to go back to bed. Dreams, odd and heavy, strange as they were kept calling to me. At least amongst the dreams, there was love and passion, reaching, and pushing... I know I was scared, felt on the hook, felt caught up... but I was in the middle of people, I was in relationship.

I woke up and decided I didn't want to be amongst strangers at church, but also on the odd chance that I'd see someone I knew, didn't want to play a role, rather than feeling truly caught up in the middle.

I got up in time to watch the livestream, and have been distracted the whole time. Eating breakfast, checking social media, caught off guard by random thoughts and feelings. 

It's been a quiet weekend, primarily spent alone. Saw a friend last night, but otherwise spent solo. Sleeping-in always makes me a little more braindead, and yesterday I slept in till 11 (for the same reasons). I had nothing to do, nothing to step into, nothing that called. 

Not feeling bad for myself entirely, just aware, so much silence makes it hard to ignore. At 5 pm, I went for a walk, knowing my friend would arrive around 6. It was really windy out, as I walked around in a very quiet part of St. Paul, I wondered about my own next steps, I sang songs, prayed, I talked out loud... all the things I do while traveling, exploring, figuring out who I am. What would make life feel more fulfilling?  How beautiful that tree is. What changes do I need to make? Oh, that is where that business is... How many places have I seen and how many I will still see...  There are elements of my life that feel good, that sustain me, but there are also things or people missing. My apartment is fine, but not fulfilling. My work is fine, but not fulfilling. My Church is fine, but not fulfilling. My relationships with family and friends are fine, but not fulfilling. 

It's easy to fall into a question, why me?  Why is that I have had these relationships that feel so strong in the moment, but sizzle out, or burn up... am I doing something wrong?  Why have I not been able to find what others do... companionship, partnership, etc. 

I am sitting and listening to church, and part of me misses E. Wonders how she is, what she is up to, if she is spending time with her family, with friends, alone?  Do these people I have loved wonder the same about me? 

It is Mothers day, and there is a bit of sadness, of grief, of relief, of longing still.  I read a postsecret this morning that was about a child who was looking online at their bio parent's social media because their parent did not know they existed and I was almost envious of that parent. -As in, someone wants to know you. As in, someone needs to know you. 

I don't like to make it sound definite, but I am very sad that I might miss my window to be a parent. I know there is still time, and so many ways I could *make it happen, but I've been determined to have it on my terms, and my terms are not the terms of the universe I guess.  

But then it also makes me feel sort of pathetic, because I have had many people in my life who have asked me to bring down my walls, to be vulnerable, to trust in them, and I chose not to. Kept them at a distance, lied or omitted, was silent, did not reach. 

I know there is no right way, but I also know that I have struggled to find, name and define my own. Even now with my dad and step mom, it feels important to set boundaries, but I also know I am not entirely in the right, because they are not entirely in the wrong... just different needs right now. 

I am not sure where I was going with any of this... 

Just to say, I guess, that silence allows me to notice the little cracks, the absences. 

"How far gone, my love, how long, will you be at sea,
Are you lost? If not,

come home for me."

May

I guess it's been a week - I didn't realize it had been so long since I wrote.   Its already May 6th. 

Last Friday I took the day off and went to two protests. The first was at a bridge downtown and some young activists stopped traffic and got arrested. It took the cops a surprisingly long time to get there -like over 30 minute? then another 15 to arrest them.  All the while we stood singing songs and waving our posters on the other side of the bridge -where traffic was allowed to leave downtown. I imagined the truck union drivers that did it in the 30s or whatever... how easy it was to stop the entry/exit points of the city. 

After that I walked around the north loop a little. I haven't really been down there in years. It was really cool and I kind of missed city life. There is a big difference between St. Anthony Park and the north loop...  but really, it would have been at least back to Dunn Bros time and before that When I and L lived down there. Its crazy how you can just not go to a neighborhood or an area of the city even when you live in it. 

Speaking of which, I have been investigating the St. Anthony Park neighborhood a bit more when it is warm out. Its a really cool area, old houses, not a lot of uniformity, liberal, art, gardens, anti ice signs everywhere. I wanna keep checking it out, but another part of me is considering moving -especially if I don't get to stay in my office (a bunch of drama in itself). 

Last Thursday I went to an open house/happy hour thing on the 2nd floor and met people, and socialized and it was really nice. It was like we were all waiting for someone else to make it happen and then they did and it was nice.  I emailed the owner of the building on Friday and said I'd like to renew... he said he'd get back to me -despite the deadline for renewal being in mid -may. Anyway... now I feel like I am not welcome, so I might as well start looking for a new space for November... and maybe a new apartment too. 

In the meantime, I decided I am going to NYC in August for a week. J said I could stay at her place which cuts down a lot on costs... I know my mom offered a trip, but I'd prefer to go to Mexico City with her... Maybe next year? 

Her birthday is coming up. 

My Dad just had his. Leading up to it was all sorts of mixed feelings, but on the day before the party we went for a walk and I told him I didn't really see anything changing... so I probably wouldnt be there. I added to his gift, told him I'd take him out for a dinner.  Aunt T reached out and said she missed me, and that she was upset by her brothers and their politics... I said it was better for me to not be there. 

Instead of the birthday party (the last for a while thank the loid)... I went to the May Day Parade and loved every bit of it. Ran into KT, gotta reach out to her again. Saw some other folks, but didn't really talk to anyone. Sat for hours in the sun people watching, praying, taking in the positive vibes and saying thank you. Then the ceremony started, I cried my eyes out, sang, praised, hugged the guy next to me... It was sooooo beautiful and so great, and it made me want to move to powderhorn -or north east more likely... but just the vibes of minneapolis. 

I did have some moments wondering why I am all alone in a crowd of amazing people...but I also had some moments in which I felt grateful I was so that I could have my own experience and not be worried about someone else, or catering to them. It was soooo lovely, and part of me just wants to promise myself that I will always make room for it. A promise to myself that I get to celebrate this beautiful thing you know...

I made the decision RE: NYC and for a while after skipping my dad's thing, doing the May Day parade and generally feeling like I was being true to myself -I felt empowered, optimistic, really like-seize the day emperor energy. 

Then this week has just felt all over the place with work. Really exhausting... crisis, revelation, family drama, celebration, surgeries and potential hospitalizations, insight, and on and on... some of it is the same old drama, some of it is like -everyone who is sensitive is extra sensitive, everyone who doesn't feel like they belong feels extra like they don't belong.  Parts of me see so many parts of me.... and I am just like yeah... its hard, but I am also somehow optimistic still?

Two more days, but it has felt like a week already. At lunch time I see my neighbor people and I cant even think about socializing. Generally I am feeling caught up, but I am also feeling very drained. 

I need to claim what I want... I don't really know how to meet someone, the rest is easy enough. Pack up your stuff and go. 

No right ways?

I woke up earlier today feeling kind of anxious, but also optimistic. I felt like I was somehow free of some of the heaviness I have been feeling.  I walked to work thinking that I would have to step into the next phase of my life, one in which I am an adult and my parents aren't on a pedestal, and that that is ok. They would just be other human beings, not people to look up to. More particularly, my dad and step mom would just be people whose opinions don't really matter to me -in some ways more akin to the self-righteousness I had 20 years ago. Maybe I've been compromising too much of myself, and really, I just need to think of these people as less than or something... I dunno even thinking about it fully makes me feel like I am not living into my values.   It is kind of what my siblings described that they have had to do... look at our parents, and dismiss them.  That feels dumb, but maybe I can't talk to my dad or step mom about the things I care about in the world, because they won't get it. Maybe doing so (for me) actually just opens me up to feeling vulnerable and hurt by them when they choose differently (read stupidly). 

At work I sat with clients and had this weird removed quality... sitting back, observing... I mean I was in it with them, but I was also just so aware of how all our drama is just drama. Our egos, our hurts and angers, our desires, our want to be seen and known, our ability to delude ourselves, to fight for things, to make mistakes and douse ourselves in gasoline and light a match... just human junk. None of it all that meaningful, but because we have nothing else to fret over, so deeply meaningful. 

I had a client that I relate to a lot. We were talking about what age he is when he is in the story he is telling himself... eg, did you develop this story as a child? at 20?   From my freefloating place, I could tell that he didn't feel he had much agency when he told this story, he was being acted upon... even though logically he knew better. The story and the feeling were disempowering... they didn't lead to options or feeling capable... and I noticed myself chastising myself for being in this younger version of me so much lately. I don't have any power or choice, I feel young, mixed up, I feel incapable of holding myself together or standing my ground in a generous way...   I am also angst and anger. ---but today, I was free for a while. I was in the clouds, and my drama didn't matter. 

And I kind of liked being in my lofty somewhat egoless state... and then I also knew I was kind of deluding myself - but I felt more optimistic and hopeful about what I could do with my life -if I just laughed at all my drama instead of acting it out. This and that, and the other thing... meh, what's next, ok do it.   (some spiritual bypassing obviously). 

Then today the Supreme Court overturned part of the Voting Rights Act and an idiot went before Congress and I was just reminded again of the consequences... our world is going to shit because of these people. Fuck you. Fuck you for creating a future in which we don't have rights, health care, education, security, an environment or any fucking hope. Fuck you for ruining the American Dream. Fuck you for blaming us when you chose to do it.  Fuck you for being stupid enough to fall for the conmen over and over even when it hurts you. Fuck you for your mistakes, which you won't take responsibility for and make your life and mine worse. Why should I be nice about it... you're hurting my business, my clients, my students, my health, everything I've worked for, you're undermining... why should I be nice to you?  

Its like, you don't want to be the daycare for your grandkids? whose fault was that? You don't want to help pay their bills every month? Whose fault was that? You want it to be easier to relax, or travel or make a living... you voted against it, so fuck you. 

And I can point out... well on an interpersonal level, you're really nice, welcoming, hospitable, gracious... and I have certainly benefitted on the one hand... and on the other I've had to sacrifice more, work harder, give to more people and organizations, fight fight fight against the people you empower, don't question, etc.   And even when you're upset by their lack of integrity, you fall into "bothsides..." cynicism that makes nothing better, selfish pity party, still no personal responsibility from you -and then you blame us for it?  For fighting back? For saying enough is enough? fuck you. 

It makes me angry that you give with one hand and don't recognize you're pulling the rug out from beneath us... you only want credit for offering a hand up. That's fucked up. 

What do I even want? 

I mean... I don't want to cut off my family. I don't want to not show up to parties and family gatherings... I also don't want to roll my eyes or start a fight when something stupid is said. My step-sister basically said she already sees it getting a lot worse... and said she has to bite her tongue, or roll her eyes, or ignore, or walk away... and it's like ---yeah but the defunded the nursing home so that won't even be an option.  

(I am making it seem like they say anything out loud... they don't. They aren't even concrete in their arguments anymore. They make a snide comment. They're actually more cynical than righteous in their political views. It's just that they don't even acknowledge they were wrong.)

I don't like ignoring people, leaving people out, not hearing them out... I feel like there should be room at the table for different points of view... but when people are sharing points of view that hurt others -it sucks. 

Unconditional positive regard... Seeing the best in people... loving people for their potential rather than accepting who they are...  These are tools...but they are also traps for me. 

Sometimes I think about how in one of our first deeper convos M told me she was broken, and probably shouldn't ever get married again. I dismissed it, said it was kind of a silly idea, and that of course she would... I met her, how I would meet anyone (let alone anyone I had a crush on)... but maybe I should have asked more questions about why she was responsible for her failed relationships instead of dismissing these statements.  With E, I often wanted to project the ability of her to succeed in things she felt a lack of competence for... tried to help her... but maybe I should have just believed her. Yeah, you won't figure that out, and I'm not sure I can carry the weight for you. 

This morning or yesterday I was thinking about how both of these women lied to me regularly, not necessarily consciously... but they did. If I had trusted my gut that noticed all the red flags, I wouldn't have gotten into it so deep... but I breezed right by that shit. 

As a teacher and a therapist, I was required to believe that people could grow, succeed, overcome barriers and challenges... I do believe that. But most wont... it requires effort, and support, and being honest, and taking responsibility, and being courageous enough to sacrifice or face the music of what we have done... I'm not that brave am I?   Why do I expect others to be?

I complained to my step sister, no one taught me how to do this... instead, they taught me to shift the blame down the ladder... making others responsible for my actions.

YUCKY

Isn't that exactly what the country is doing? 

If I go back to my cloud its like ...yeah dude... thats one of the dramas we play out... it is, has been, will be...     Is your resistance? self flagellating ? walking away from relationships gonna help?

I dunno...   I just know my Dad's birthday is coming up... and I am struggling to be on board. Or make a card, or whatever the fuck we are doing. 

5 pm on a Sunday.

 I’m sitting outside at my apartment. I feel like I never noticed the wallpaper in the bathrooms on the first floor are weed themed. 

The hot tub is open again, and there are about 6 people in there chatting -gonna walk back up to my apartment. 

It’s funny how nothing in this place is really that comfortable. Not their couches nor mine. I should get à la z boy. 

I’m sure most of the folks in the hot tub knew each other, but the casual talk of a group… the way it must remain somewhat shallow, it reminded me of being at a hostel, amongst a group, wondering when to chime in. Wondering if I have anything of value to add to the conversation, wondering if I even want to have a conversation with these strangers. I’m sooo antisocial. I was thinking today as I got groceries that I am so set in my ways, making things simple, ritualistic even, groceries on Sunday, laundry on Friday, the same basic meals, the same chores, the same friends. And when there is a special event I don’t cherish it, I’m anxious till it is in the past and I can relax again. 

I don’t go out of my way to try new things, at best a walk or a drive to a new neighborhood, or a different route, but even that is so uncommon on the whole. 

I’ve done all my things today and the one (other than dinner and dishes) that I have left is to write something positive about my dad. Something for his birthday. Why is it so hard?

Yesterday I spent about 3 hours writing to Ali, writing and erasing, writing and erasing. She responded kindly today. It gave me some hope, and then I left my apartment and remembered that not only did the government attack my community, but my parents defended them. Accused my neighbors and the protesters standing up against them of wrong doing. It’s not a policy. It’s a line in the sand… and that’s why I am angry. I have no doubt they’d cross the line in my moment of need, but to not be able to extend that… what then? And even then, only if it didn’t cost them anything too much… especially my step mom. If it were her or me, she’d choose herself and my dad would too. So on the personal and public, I lost trust. 

I don’t want to be angry all the time. I don’t want to be distant. That’s what I realized, writing to Ali, how many excuses I make to pull away, to hide because it’s so much more difficult to name and stay engaged. 

But can I just engage and not get angry? Do I need to start avoiding conversations? Leaving early? Dismissing them in my head and rolling my eyes as if they are children…

Is it that point. Give up on them. Let it go. Know their limits and build support for your own. Is it that?

I guess it is that.  That’s the conclusion everyone in their lives has come to, my siblings, my dads siblings, my step moms family (they all dismiss her). 

Stay part of the family and just don’t engage.

If I had my own support network, a group of friends, or a family of my own… it wouldn’t be so hard to let it go. I know that to be the case. I’d pull away slightly and rest in the company I choose to keep and I’d hold them so much closer. 

Being single and childless is hilariously dumb. 

I go to the grocery store and wonder how with my rituals and scheduled out life, in which I serve others but make no room for fun or social selfish time, I’ll ever meet someone. I think I might need to go on a dating app… and I hate dating.  I think I might have to join something, go somewhere, do something different. It would be nice if that thing would just pop out and make itself known. 

I’m back to all the old lonely shit. Nice apartment. Business. Stability. But no one I want to share it with. So may folks would just point out like… do something different. But I’ve taken classes and explored, and been around the world, and had jobs and volunteered and been part of clubs and circles and churches and I dunno. Sometimes it’s like… universe where are you?

My tarot today was overwhelmingly positive, except it started with the death and resurrection card. And maybe that’s what I need. To die to this life and start a new one.

9:35 so that like 7 minutes earlier

Just finished season 2 of Shrinking. 

I decided this season was all about rupture and repair. 

Things turned out ok. 

I cried a lot toward the end of the season.

BCBS owes me like 5800$ and they were sending it to the wrong place. I am not sure if its sorted yet, cuz I couldn't get through one of the webpages. They said 45 days then they will reissue the checks. Makes a lot more sense why I felt I wasn't making enough money. I mean... throw another 6k at it, and I am fine. I owe more in taxes though. Maybe next quarter I will pay double. 

The show makes me cry so hard for moments. It's like deep grief and heart break, release, then relief. 

I am wishing I could have some relief from the fight with my Dad and Step Mom... wondering how necessary it is to stay angry.  Part of me wants to write out a list of all the ways my Dad has been loving toward me, and I guess... at least acknowledge that. Maybe they don't have to balance scales... maybe its not about scales... just that I am deeply hurt by this life long stuff... and also I love my Dad. Both things are true... its not as picture perfect as a tv show though. 

There is a deep part of me still grieving having a companion. I am noticing that a lot lately. Maybe it means I should be dating. Craving intimacy and belonging. 

Sometimes I wonder if I have become too antisocial... like I save all my goodness for work, and I have nothing left for anyone else... but really its just like -when you don't do stuff, you don't do stuff. Its not some big existential thing. If you're not part of something, you aren't part of something. 

Pretty simple really.

I think I am just delaying going to bed. 

Only 3 clients tomorrow. Maybe I'll write my list or whatever.

9:42

I turned my phone to grayscale to practice not being addicted. Watched three episodes of Shrinking and youtube instead.

Was supposed to have had 6 clients today, but one cancelled. It was a good day. I was supposed to have 6 tomorrow but one switched to Friday. 5 clients in a day is dreamy. I walked home, realized I didn't have anything to do. Read for an hour. 

Caught up with some checks and realized I haven't been getting checks from BCBS even though they say they are sending them. Meaning either they are sending them the wrong place, not sending them, or they are getting lost in the mail. I will probably have to call someone to sort this shit out. 

I am a little worried my check from wellsfargo also got stuck in the mail... what do you do if checks aren't getting through in the mail?

I am lonely. It's probably like 70 degrees out. I am gonna go finish my book or go to sleep. 

My tarot cards today were judgment, 3 of swords, two of pentacles and the sun. 

I felt some of em... not sure where that heart break was... just a slow ache I guess. 

I don't know what I want really... I think I've decided I am staying in my apartment and office for another year -for the stability. Then?  Either a new place or a getaway? 

Maybe the heartbreak will be in the next two hours. Half the characters of the book are dead. I am not sure if I think reading the rest of the series is worth it. I get how this series (Foundation) was a precursor to other sci fi series. Lots of new ideas. Lots of great insight... but its soooo tedious and slow sometimes. -I guess similar to how tv and movies were back in the day. 

Authors got away with a lot more telling and not showing, or showing in the tedious ways.

It all just is what it is. Here is a heartbreak kind of song from the show:

ideas of flight

I woke up today not exactly feeling grand. I guess it wasn't a bad day. I had 5 clients and another one that cancelled. I had an old client reach out to begin therapy again. Briefly chatted with some neighbor coworkers? (Still haven't decided what to call them). Got all my paperwork done for the day. 

I text my mom a bit on the way home, about feeling mixed and weird.

On some level, I feel like a bratty kid making a fuss over nothing. On another level, I feel like I am fighting to be heard. I keep thinking about how it was easier when I had a partner... easier to stand my ground. Easier to feel like my decisions were based on more than just my whims. Easier to say, I matter, when someone else thinks you do. I told my mom, I feel like the bad kid, and that I am being overdramatic, and needy, and selfish. But also that I don't even want to be in the room with my step mom right now. My mom, amongst other thoughts, mentioned that I needed a vacation. 

I thought it was funny. 

My response to finding out that E was likely dating someone, was to spend part of last night thinking about running away again. Why am I here?  I don't feel like my life is heading anywhere... despite the whole business and apartment thing. I have the same old friends. I have the same old family dynamics. I am not tied down to anything. I could spend the next year getting my business settled and then decided to spend 6 months or a year in south east asia. I could go take some eat pray love classes in India. I could move to portugal with the rest of the americans. 

I have dreams and goals, and I am not pursuing most of them at this time. My job is nice, but it isn't enough. I keep seeing myself growing old alone and not accomplishing the things I told myself I would. Write that book. 6/7 continents. Meet someone. 

When I am traveling I am alone most of the time, but I also have new experiences every day, new things to see, new people to meet, new smells, new sensations, and lots of time to think about what I want and why.  

Right now... I dunno.  Life it routine, but it isn't what I want. I don't really want to spend the rest of my life talking to other people about moving their lives forward when I feel like mine is stalling. 

I know I don't need to be dramatic and take a year off... but I also know its a dream I have... and there isn't that much time left you know? I mean southeast asia is experiencing an oil crisis right now... but its gonna experience climate change more dramatically, and I already hate the heat. 

My parents are turning 70, in the next 10 years I'd presume I am needed. 

If my job doesn't let me meet anyone, and I am not interested in joining anything while doing my job... this job is gonna lead to death. SO part of me is like... fuck it, I am out. 

But a more reasonable thing would be to take a week or ten days or something. Go to Mexico City, or DC, or NYC. Go get renewed. 

It's funny when I think this way, because on one hand it feels like magical thinking -go run around the world and make something of yourself... and on the other hand it doesn't feel unaligned with some of those universalizing thoughts I had yesterday.  You're an ant, it doesn't matter. Dream bigger, even if you're tiny. 

It's hard to imagine coming back after a year to doing therapy. In fact, I wonder about posting up somewhere and doing therapy abroad, or running groups, or being a guru... you know?   Like if I am gonna spread my wings, I might as well spread them. Why come back to an office and an apartment here, when I could be leading therapy in Bali, or writing my book in Bangkok?   I am so sick of this stupid country anyway. 

Anyway... it seems funny that I suddenly want to go be a person of the world again. Fighting with my parent. Feeling stuck. An ex that has moved on... same old same old.  

Tonight I am either gonna do some reading or some tv watching.   its 6:15. I'm fed. The dishes are done. I did some Spanish. Might do some exercise in a bit. I have nothing to complain about -really... but there have been multiple times today that I was on the verge of tears, and not very nice to myself in my mind. blaghghhgh

domingo

 

At my brother's suggestion I went to the party a few hours early. Got to spend some time with the niece and nephew. It was fun. Left before anyone arrived.   (So I usually capitalize relationships even though it isn't technically proper... in these blogs I am trying not to use names so it feels weird to not have some formal way of saying this person...  but for today, I'll try to do it right I guess?)

I was a little anxious all morning, like I was doing something wrong, or sneaking around, or didn't know how to exist with people I care about. It felt funny how yesterday I saw two friends and didn't think anything of my being out in the world - and the day prior I was out to a movie by myself  ... but somehow I felt like I was gonna "screw up" being around my family. It had me thinking about social anxiety all day... like how I often have these weird feelings around groups of people, or people I haven't seen in a while, or new people. Not usually if I have a role, but certainly if I am meeting someone and there is any kind of pressure. I don't do normal pleasantries and small talk well, I can, I know the scripts, but it just doesn't feel natural... so I don't.  When I was out with a friend yesterday she casually slipped in that she sees herself as neurodiverse now... actually both of my friends did...  I think it's starting to feel like this is the term we use for anyone who doesn't quite fit in - but it loses a lot of its clinical value if we stretch it to mean all things for all people... you know?  My mom uses it that way too. E used to try to convince me occasionally that I was autistic... I still kind of hold to this idea that I have more of an OCD neurotype rather than an autistic one. And I am very sensitive to my environment and the people in it. Typically, that means that I am picking up on social cues, overly sensitive to them, rather than not understanding or not getting them, regardless of whether I follow them or not. Also, there does seem to be more autistic traits, more androgyny, more desire to be a self, and not be put upon. I watched a comedian making a joke that Chinese culture is autistic, I've heard that many times about Germans and Scandinavians (or more accurately Finnish people).  There are times I wonder if autistic traits are more typical than we are pretending... Maybe when we all lived in community it was just more accepted, but now we are looking for why it is so hard to be in community, and we are finding it easy to point fingers. Maybe our lack of community is causing more of the epigenetic markers to fire.  The birthrate is declining. People will start dying sooner. Civilization is falling apart.

Anyway... that wasn't really the thing I was thinking of to write about... I was thinking about how my social anxiety plays out in so many situations in which it seems absolutely unnecessary. How many times have I been in a room full of people I care about and felt too shy or anxious, too afraid that someone wasn't feeling welcome or fitting in (if I was in charge), too worried I'd say something odd or weird, or wouldn't quite fit it, or wouldn't be able to present myself well... I was thinking about this because one of those friends tried to set me up on a sort of "hey I met someone, can I introduce you?" and 99% of me was like... I meet people constantly... don't you think I meet people?  Its not meeting people that's the problem, its having the right way of meeting them in which I can enjoy their presence and they mine, and that is not on a sort of blind date. That's not ever how I have met anyone I liked.    But its weird to have that idea the same day I am wondering if I should get back on dating apps.  What kind of barriers do I put in my own way. 

Anyway... seeing the niece and nephew was fun. I started to get anxious that people would arrive and I'd have to explain myself so I dipped out after a couple hours. I went for a walk around the lake. It was kind of cold but it was fucking beautiful out. The trees are all budding, the weeping willows yellow against a blue sky. The lake was clear, but clearly growing life, the birds were out and kind of fierce. It was beautiful, but I hadn't eaten much lunch and I found myself drifting towards complaints rather than beauty and awe. At one point I asked myself... why are you so determined to be angry? and I couldn't answer... but I was. I guess I feel wronged, and I am not sure what to do with that feeling, and its turning me into an angry teenager rather than someone capable and adult like... So I was thinking of how my anxiety is showing up again with my family... and how for several years it had gone away because I was secure in myself. I had a relationship. I felt like my life was going somewhere. Now I am wondering if there is a future again... or whether I'll run away to latin america or south east asia... or take out a warehouse kind of thing.  

Whats the point of my life?   I wrote something like that down this morning before I left... what is my dharma here on this earth. I mean, maybe I am supposed to forgive and forget, let myself be taken advantage of, caretake others... That was the meaning I made early on, maybe it was the right path.  I am trying to renegotiate that idea... that my romantic relationships and family relationships aren't based on my taking care of other peoples needs. That I can ask to have mine met... that we can trade off, or take responsibility for our own together. But I don't really have a lot of examples in which I feel I've been successful at that.  But I dunno... I guess I just don't really know what I am supposed to be doing. 

I had another thought, based on a sermon someone was giving about earthday -that later fed into the thoughts I was having on the walk... what if Earth is not a rock, or a school, or a spaceship we ride on, but a being in herself. What if pachamama is a being. What if we are the bacteria on her skin, and we really are just acting like an infection, replacing plant life and other microbes with ourselves... were giving our mother diarrhea and so of course she will need to kill us off, just as we would take an antibiotic. What if none of it is personal. What if its as simple as a being trying to find the balance that fuels her without burning her out. What if all this egocentric thinking is just craziness.  I was thinking the same at the lake. Staring out at the drops of water that collect into such a mass, tiny ripples and in each you can see these universes... and there is always a slight sense of awe in the idea that maybe we are meaningless -as much as it may upset our western thinking.  Maybe my little drop of water of a life is utterly pointless in the grand scheme of things, maybe I don't need to prove myself, or prove to others, maybe I'll live, and dust away, life being none the wiser in the grand scope of the universe, my being has so little impact. Not that it doesn't I mean a virus can be deadly right? but just in the larger system, I accumulate, speak, and then dissipate.  So miniscule, so weightless...

I took a break to scroll on facebook and I think I found confirmation that E is dating someone. I've been thinking that since around February right? I should look it up.  I had a feeling of jealousy, warmth... not necessarily anger or anything, just that heat. I think this is what I wanted for her, so I hope it works out. I also found that my old coworkers memorial service was today. Turns out I am not in the know about things. My coworker was so young. 

I was having this weird curious feeling that something has happened to E's grandparents. I know they weren't doing well, and the last time I talked to her she said she was going out to see them -hence the snooping. 

Its funny it like stole away all the other thoughts I had.  Let me see if I can get back to that... something about how the flip side of our egotistical stories in which we are constantly searching for meaning and purpose and a desire to feel like we did something, can claim something, are profound in our own journeys... is that actually, is that we have the weight of a bacteria, or an ant, or a speck of dust, or a blade of grass, and add just as much, and subtract just as much... and this isn't to say we shouldn't be grateful or open or thankful, or strive or whatever... but just to say, it isn't that big of a deal right? 

It's not that big of a deal.

I hope E can find someone to have a baby with, I know she wants that. I hope its a good fit. 

I want the same for me. Despite all those egoless ideas I just wrote about... I want some of my dreams to come true too. A blade of grass can dream. 

Part2.

I walked away... but continued to process. There is a part of me that is really frustrated with my angst. That's what it feels like. I feel so obsessed with my own thinking, my own feelings and neediness. 

If E is dating someone, there is a part of me that feels free... but that part isn't speaking much right now, instead I feel alone. I've been thinking about how narcissistic it is that I keep people around, get my little chew and then head off. That has been part of the reason I haven't been reaching out or pursuing her, if she wants distance, and that is good for her... and then that is what I have to accept. But I've been missing her lately, and now I am gonna have to grieve just a bit more. Then find my own way I guess. 

But the angst isn't just her... its the stuff with my Dad... its the stuff with the world. 

As a friend and I were talking about yesterday, its such an endless heartbreak, anger making stew to see possibility in the world, to be creative or bright enough to know that there are solutions... and then to see people squander the opportunity. The wealthiest nation in the history of the world, and we can't even house, feed, and heal people without putting them into debt, trauma, slavery. We could have a better world, but we choose not to. 

I'm angsty because I feel entitled to the things that are possible, but if I am honest, I'm not reaching for them either. I am not sure I want to. I have a client who is 19 and determined to chase his dreams no matter the cost, but also wont mow the lawn... I am a 42 yr old man who is educated and wealthy, and has traveled the world and owns his own business and lives a decent life, and is too scared to go to a family gathering.  I mean...  what is anything? I need to stop taking myself so damn seriously... but that's hard when I am also simultaneously trying to establish boundaries. Its a real will he wont he kind of situation. 

I have like 25 sessions this week. It's gonna be a lot -especially when I am not really feeling that grounded. On Tuesday I have therapy. That part of why I am overthinking right now... I am talking to my therapist in my head... trying to get my story straight. WTF. 

Life is soooo weird. I was gonna say dumb, but the lake was so beautiful today. My niece and nephew are a lot of fun. 

You do it to yourself, you do, and thats what really hurts.

Friday night on the town...

 Not really. 

Where to start?

Last night I went to an open mic and it was really fun. I will definitely go back. In the middle of the night, I found myself practicing poems, which of these could be performed? which are better for a book?

Today the weather changed again. It was cold and rainy and will be (at least cold) all weekend. The last few nights it's been hard to sleep because my apartment is too warm, but I didn't want the air on. I felt like there were mosquitos flying around though never confirmed any. So I am not sure how much sleep I got last night, but I distinctly remember being up wayyyyy past my bed time. 

I only had three clients today. The first was easy. The second a little off-putting. The third hard but still good. 

At some point in the day my Step Mom asked me specifically whether I was coming to my Dad's birthday party in early May. Couple weeks away. It took me hours to steel my resolve. To say thank you for organizing this, I am not sure I can commit yet, I'll let you know if that changes. Yesterday's sunny weather and happy go lucky disposition had switched sometime in the night, and I woke up angry again, or at least averse. I am not sure what I am waiting for... there is an invitation to forgive and forget... but that doesn't heal anything. 

My parents are both turning 70 this year. There is some pressure to show up... 

Anyway... around 3 when I had finished my work day, and was listening to some youtube video about Allah prior to islam in the arab world, I realized I was getting sleepy and decided that I better send the text before it feels like its been draggin all day. 

I did. 

I fell asleep. I woke up to a thankyou.

I woke up several hours later after somewhat restless yet dream filled sleep. 

In one of my dreams I was attending a concert or performance. My client who had been somewhat difficult earlier in the day was sitting next to me. She seemed to be wanting it to be a date. At some point I had to set a boundary and she became angry. For the rest of the dream it felt like she was stalking me. The concert ended, and I snuck away to a movie theater (I was planning on seeing a movie tonight). I remember trying to fit in, and find a seat in which I had a view of others, but in which I could also hide. 

It was odd. 

When I woke up, I felt like I'd wasted the day. I did a quick spanish lesson and realized I had literally nothing important to do. I decided to go to the later movie (after missing the initially intended one). 

Went to Grandview Theater in St. Paul. Apparently so did everyone else because the theater was packed on this cold rainy day. Saw Project Hail Mary. It was good, but I wasn't like "oh my god the best movie ever."  The science fiction elements were interesting and also cute. There was humor and beauty and probably the most impactful thing was the element of friendship between a lonely human -who was both used to being rejected and also self rejecting -- and his alien friend. 

I left the theater quickly, seeing lots of beautiful faces, thinking about friends and lovers. I realized very quickly that I was lonely -walking back to my car, driving home alone in the dark. It made me recognize that part of my not going out much anymore is because I am sick of doing it alone.  Its so exciting to have experiences, and so lonely to have them by yourself. Why stay out late? Why venture... 

I got home and was folding laundry, singing the Johnny Cash version of "hurt" and thinking about E. Missing being loved, or as I recognized later, appreciated? Accepted?  believed in?   There were elements of our relationship -especially toward the end, that I didn't feel loved or appreciated. And I didn't necessarily feel those things back. But I miss having a companion none the less. 

Maybe I should get on dating apps? 

My friend said something funny about dating someone in their 20s... The idea of that is kind of shocking to me. I know she was dating people significantly older than her at that time... I am attracted to younger faces, but its so uncomfortable when you recognize the cultural and life experience gaps. I don't want to raise my partner. Lately... since I've been feeling like a teenager, I wonder if I am waiting for someone to raise me up. 

A friend I met in Guatemala once told me that, she said I needed to meet someone 5 years older than me, so I could practice being taken care of. 

Anyway. The two people who recommended or liked this movie were both single and somewhat lonely people. I asked one if she wanted to get coffee in the morning and haven't heard anything. 

I think I am back to a subtle level of depression. That feeling like if my life ended it wouldn't be that big of a deal. 

The client who was being somewhat difficult today brought up the idea of human sacrifice as an every day practice. How systems at all levels are generally very open to human sacrifice we just don't call it that anymore. It's a good point. 

I don't like that I live on my own and have my own business, and still feel entirely beholden to entities that I wouldn't choose... insurance companies, corporations, cult of death republicans...

Tomorrow. Dinner with a friend. Reading and writing?  Coffee? 

What AM I DOING!?!?!?!?!?!

Rebellion

I woke up crabby again today. Watched church, couldn't relate... kept looking for excuses to turn it off. Got groceries. Did Spanish. Paid taxes. My Dad had asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. It was the first thing I woke up to. I grumbled about it all day, but decided I needed the exercise. He didn't get back to me till about 3ish. I was checking off all the things on my list. 

I miss walking around the lake. I need to get over there more often. I considered starting to walk around the river. I need to figure out a path so that it is a circuit instead of up and down. It was so warm out that tons of people were walking. But my focus was entirely on the conversation. Recognizing even while we were walking that I was not aligned, present, etc. I was waiting... eventually we talked about the ongoing fight. He did the same old thing. I stood my ground, gave my reasons, got self righteous. Told him its funny that he continues to ask me to be the one to come back and make amends or work through it. 

I told him I was still too impacted by things that are ongoing - to keep the peace. 

I told him I guess I'll just be angry for a while... and that's how it will be. 

At some point he was trying to convince me that my step mom didn't mean it the way I heard it... but I don't believe that. I actually think my Dad isn't convinced either... he just wants to play happy family, and I watched his face as he tried to figure out how to make a point to get through to me, or to figure out a way to problem solve his wife... and it pains him that he can't figure out a solution that works for him... 

I said, its funny that you come to me...you could ask your wife to reach out... if you think that she wasn't conveying her perspective well, then you can have her write it out and I'll read it...but I am not convinced. 

He said, You want her to have empathy for your side... 

I basically said yeah... I want her to recognize that her side was afraid, and backing people to cause actual pain and suffering to my side...  if that's the terms we are using. 

I know I am the kind of person who hears what I want to hear... and I also know my Dad is. And I also know that he says things to keep the peace. He is one person when we are walking around the lake, and another when he is with her.  

Its funny though.  I have actual righteous anger again... yes, like a teenager full of angst...but not the sitting around feeling sorry for myself, disconnected, numbing out anger. I might get some of that later tonight. But in the meantime... 

I dunno what to do. I feel like I am being petty sometimes... but also, again, I don't like that I am being asked to make the peace. I don't like that for the next month I will be guilted about it. 

I don't always know what I care about or believe in... but this one feels personal and righteous, and if its not a big deal to them, then they can be the ones who apologize. 

Its been so hard to just take care of myself and be part of things lately. I am feeling burnt out. But today I followed through with all the tasks (except poetry). I don't know what is next, but I am feeling like I am at least holding my ground. 

9:58 PM where are you now?

 

I'm sitting at my kitchen island, in the apartment my friend says is great.  She came over for dinner and watched a couple episodes of Shrinking, then got antsy and left. Pulling out of depression, but more anxious and energized. Who knows what is right for any of us. 

Watching shrinking made me cry multiple times and laugh a lot too. There is a longing that my heart feels right now, for something real, for some tenderness, closeness. My friend says I should meet someone in the elevator, and I can only think of how many times I've wanted to put my head down or look at my phone or wait to get the next one. Reluctantly eager? Eagerly reluctant? 

I have been feeling this loneliness for a while and I don't want to let it in too much. I find that I am spending way too much time distracting. Way too much time trying to get shallow needs met through shallow means.   But at the coffee shop today (where I also cried, for a different reason), I didn't see a single person I really found attractive. I didn't know them. I didn't really want to know them. My only real interaction was with a girl who has downs syndrome and said "hello neighbor" to everyone. She was sweet. I thought it was interesting that I could stare at a whole room full of people and not find a single one attractive. It made me wonder if there was someone wrong with me, or a validation that I really haven't had a crush on anyone new for a while. 

Life is harder that way...  The receptionist at the tax agency was very nice. I could have tried to flirt. but... meh. 

I tried to pay my taxes today and did it wrong. I got a little scared that I might have screwed things up but I think I can fix it tomorrow or Monday.  I got a little overwhelmed that I wouldn't be able to save enough for taxes... apparently if you don't pay 90% of your expected amount, you can be fined. I was fined already once... and I don't want that to be a habit... but it took me a while to realize that I think I can make it work for my budget, I just have to get in the habit. I am really not making much after all my expenses. It kind of made me feeling like I was doing something wrong. 

Then I went to the coffee shop and read a book. And it felt good for awhile, but then my step mom texted everyone about my dad's birthday, and instead of feeling the normal 'ok, i guess its a responsibility' I got angry, and kind of scared. It felt like another thing that weighed me down.  After reading a bunch in my book, I picked up two zines on the newspaper rack nearby, and read poems and stories and pictures from people who were driving/observing/reporting ice crap all these months. It was a beautiful little zine (two volumes), creative, inspired, funny, incredibly sad, moving, etc.... it made me cry. And it made me feel more angry at my dad and step mom. Where is the apology for defending the people who attacked my neighbors? My Dad texted tonight, and I don't want to respond. I'm sad, and angry. 

I went out to dinner with my mom last night. We talked about my siblings... talked about life... talked about how the state of the world is so ugly, that you run out of things to say. I want to ask her for advice. I want to ask her how to navigate this world. I want to know cheats and shortcuts, even if I don't take them. I want her to tell me that there is a path forward. 

At some point, it kind of feels like my relationship with my mom changed a little. She told me she believed in me and that I could work it out... so I stopped going to her every time I had a big deal problem... waited until it came up naturally. 

I guess I am feeling a little alone in things.   People text. I don't respond. People are reaching, suggesting, supporting, and I don't follow up.  The main character in Shrinking is so flawed and loveable... but everyone is annoyed with him because he is distant, avoiding, being reactive, consumed in his own stuff. 

Today I got a haircut. Paid 28$ and the moment I got in the car I saw that it was uneven. I was already irritable. A mix of low blood sugar and a thunderstorm. I got home and fixed the hair cut. I shaved this morning... so basically I look like a little white boy. But it makes me wonder why I am paying for shit... why I am trying to fit in. Why I am trying so hard to keep up with everything, and not really feeling all that loved or rewarded. I feel like I have been letting myself down sooooo much lately. 

Sure maintaining an apartment, and a business, but not exercising... not eating great... my sleep schedule is all over the place. I keep saying I am going to write poems and then I don't want to write. I have given up on guitar. I have maintained spanish. 

I see a friend once a week, and sometimes text with others... but I am not really involved with anything, not engaged for my own sake... doing my job, surviving... but not thriving like it might appear. 

I am lonely, and not feeling great I guess. Maybe some of it is the weather/headaches, but I can feel myself dragging a little with clients. Not really wanting to do my job. I can jumpstart myself into it... but I am not feeling all that good. 

I guess, I don't feel loved?  I don't feel loving? 

Last week my therapist asked me if I was somewhat dissociative. I was... it was a mix of me avoiding my own stuff and being overwhelmed by others. I wasn't grounded in myself. I wasn't centered. 

Wednesday and Friday mornings, I woke up feeling better. On Wednesday I wrote a poem in my head about wearing a slippery winter coat that didn't fit right. How people were poking and prodding and trying to help, but my arm would get caught coming out of the wrong hole, or it would end up backwards, because it wasn't me... I and everyone else was mistaking the coat for me. But me was somewhere underneath as the role/coat slid around me. No wonder I don't feel grounded... I feel suffocated. I feel prodded. I feel like people are grabbing at me. I feel like something is wrong and I can't find my way through it. A little kid caught in their clothes? 

I was thinking about how hard it is to be aligned with yourself. How hard when the president threatens to end the world, when the price of everything is too high, when a worker burns down their work place, or shoots the ceo, because the costs of living are just not tenable given the wages we make. My records show I should be making 8-10k a month, my bank account says... 7? I suppose I should look at that again. 

I haven't felt like going to church. Often times I watch online (like in winter), and then feel like its not that great. I wonder if I need to go in person. Or maybe try somewhere new. 

I know it would be good to do a class or something. I know it would be good to be involved, have a commitment on the calendar. I dunno what I am complaining about... I mean I do. I am living the life of a single person who is very used to that... but doesn't actually prefer being singly. 

E doesn't really reach out. Maybe its for the best.   

So often I get really inspired by like a good tarot reading or something...but nothing happens. 

I almost want more of an excuse for my misery than it is my own fault for not being more involved with folks. Maybe my standards are too high for everything. Maybe I am impossible to live with. 

I dunno. In therapy I was realizing that I feel like my "manager parts" are in charge. Not me... but the parts of me that respond to feeling too vulnerable or too ashamed... I feel like I am going through the motions waiting for someone to shake me awake. But just like other times in my life... I don't really want the people in my life to be the one that reaches out and grabs me. I don't want those relationships to change much... I dunno. 

I could imagine things personally and the world getting a lot worse before it gets better. 

It was funny how much my own stuff seemed like it was fitting for what others were going through this week.  

I think I can maintain. 

But I know this part is very similar to the parts of my clients who are 20-30 years older than me, and wondering ... well if this is it ... why try? 

Yeah... I dunno either sometimes. Henri Nouwen keeps saying that suffering and pain are part of it... that its what we should take to G-d... makes us part of a greater thing. Funny to choose pain and suffering... grace and love by way of pain. 

I dunno... I should probably go to bed. I guess I just wanted to complain a bit. 

Dream

 Just woke up from a dream.

In the dream I was in southern Italy, walking around a small town. I noticed at first that this town had a particular layout, then some familiar spots, and ultimately realized I’d been there before. A market is coming up on the left. There is a church over there. 

The dream actually began with the collapsing of a building. It was unclear if there were survivors. 

Along the way I had different travel companions. At one point it might have been someone I was trying to impress, because I was reading the menu for them and practicing my Italian or Spanish or something. I knew I only wanted chicken and fries (which is much more a Latin America thing).  

At one point my travel companion was very clearly k. We locked up our stuff together at a hostel or bus station, and then later in the dream she left as I continued to wander. It wasn’t until late in the day when I had taken pictures of buildings and art, of churches and the lake, and of people watching, the wedding party, the stylish folks, -and then the sun was setting and I was ready to find a bed or a way out of town - and I realized it was her lock on the locker. I made my way back wondering if I’d even have a backpack to grab… I got more and more anxious. 

When I finally got back to the spot with the lockers people were closing down. It was getting late. I eyed each person suspiciously. I went to the lockers and began opening the ones without locks. Some were empty. Some had small things others had left. And finally in one, I found all of my stuff, but no bag to put it in. 

It made me laugh. I was relieved. After all there was nothing particularly valuable it was just spare clothes and a journal and blah. I stuffed it back in the locker and decided to spend another night in this town I was rediscovering. 

I knew I needed to find a place to stay, and the first obvious idea was to stay at the place with the lockers (which had transformed from a bus station to a hostel). But the staff had already gone home. I wasn’t sure there were beds left, and considered just sleeping on a couch and paying when staff arrived in the morning. 

Another option was to book online, and I was going through the apps trying to connect but my phone kept cutting out right when I was finding the right spots. 

As I was doing this, I eavesdropped on the people around me who were also settling down and sharing about their adventures that day. One girl said she had celebrated Passover and gone to a ritual bath, but it wasn’t clear whether it was for Jewish people or Muslim people. She said it reminded her of her family and she ooozed a feeling of comfort, gratitude, nostalgia… my phone rang and I realized my mom was calling. 

I made the decision to pull away from the girl talking, even though I was intrigued. 

My mom wanted to give me some updates and I figured it was fair to give her mine.  She said something along the lines of -your grandma wants to clean the carpets after the fire. She is nervous that people will see them and think less of her. I remembered there had been a fire. The whole place had collapsed. There was nothing left of the carpet, but I tried to imagine my grandma lifting chunks of the walls to vacuum underneath. My mom threw in a comment that I didn’t quite hear clearly, but seemed to imply so maybe that’s where you get it (anxiety /ocd). 

There was a lull in the convo, so I told her my two big discoveries of the day. 1) I am in a familiar town and enjoying it, even though I didn’t realize and 2) my backpack got stolen in the funniest way possible. 

There was silence again. Ok, well I guess that’s it. Talk to you tomorrow. 

rolling my eyes and wondering how to get out of drama.

 

I keep waking up with that song “The Baton” by Katie Gavin in my head. Maybe it’s the bass and drums at the beginning of the song, a nice hook. But the song reminds me that I am fighting with my Dad and stepmom. So does the calendar on the wall. So does the Benihana and Chipotle gift cards in my wallet. So does my phone, and the AAA membership… and on and on. These are reminders of the fact that my Dad loves me, has invested in my life again and again. Has supported me financially despite always saying he is broke. Has supported my interests throughout my life even when they didn’t quite match with his. And in other cases (like earth day approaching in April) inspired interests in ways I didn’t realize at the time (he used to take us to pick up garbage on earth day/sometimes paired with easter -picking up candy). There are continued reminders in notes, in gifts, in the texts he sends asking me to go for a walk. There are continued reminders also in my own actions… the traits we share, and recently more so than ever in my appearance. I joked with him the last time I saw him, each morning I get to decide which of my uncles I look like today.

My stepmom is an extension of these things. A companion to him that has been present since I was around 6… so 36 years. Someone who cajoles him into things when he is being stubborn, who supports him in his hearing loss, who makes him more social than he might naturally be, and drags him out to try new things against his better judgment. Also, I assume, someone who adds an extra 20 when he is putting the card in the envelope, who adds a second message, who rounds everyone up for all the family meals and makes the home inviting. Someone who cooks all the food (unless he is grilling), and tries to accommodate all the special food needs.

There is also a daily reminder of the conflict. There is the news article that talks about disappeared people, the video of a fight, the song some international pop musician wrote for my city, the daily insults from the president. There are the people on the corner who are still looking out for vehicles. There are the areas of my city that have become memorials. There is an awareness that we are trying to move forward, while discovering the damage done. There are ICE agents in the airport, the joke of the country, but not a joke when they were here trying to intimidate. There are the wars we are starting now, that will only set off another round of migration. There are the families, the clients, my former students who aren’t sure where to get food, or how to pay their bills, or rent.

And there is also the insult to the injustice. The slap in the face that dispels the myth that we are in this together. The reality that my a family member basically said at best “I’m neutral” meaning I am against you and those you care about… the muddying of the waters and playing victim. There is the reality that there is not acknowledgment of the hurt, or anger, or insult, no attempt to apologize for the “difference of opinion,” and the subtle and not so subtle ways that the family dynamic insists that I apologize and make amends for being righteously angry. Justified in my anger. But what am I supposed to do? I can’t wait forever for an apology that won’t come. I can focus on the positives, play nice, and save face, while carrying anger, hurt and defensiveness in my heart. I can start another argument, and leave in a huff or be vile. I can avoid. I can walk away from the love, because maybe I decide that it comes at too high a price… is love without trust, love without acknowledgment love?

I can look at my own insults, the ways I have hurt and ignored, avoided or gone without acknowledging my faults and my responsibilities… blame rather than be accountable. I have done that. Maybe things will just be left messy.

There is also a part of me that wonders if this opens up to something new, something better. A part of me that can give voice to my pain, and say its justified that I show up for myself rather than downplay my feelings for the sake of relationship. Maybe this is me growing up, and naming that blood and custom, don’t make for a satisfactory relationship if you can’t trust that person has your back. Maybe I need to keep my distance to let them know that it was hurtful… because my Dad would sweep it under the rug for peace, just as he taught me to do, just as I have chosen to do countless times.

Even my Mom the other day, kind of said... well you're going to have to let it go to some extent, if you choose to have a relationship with him. Which she knew I would. She doesn't want me to be angry and avoidant... but I don't think she understood just how angry I still am. 

I find it interesting because there are so many parallels to my relationship with E. Times of being hurt and not standing up for myself. Times of feeling like I should bend over backwards to meet her needs because I was capable of doing so. I wonder, often, why if I care about her so much, I am not invested the way I was. Why when I saw her the other night, I didn’t feel relief fully. And I think the truth is that, I got burned, and learned to stop hustling to try to make someone else feel loved at the expense of myself.

Or at least that is what I am hoping to learn.

But I don’t know what to do differently. I still feel responsible.

The baton has been passed unconsciously, and I am trying to do my part in breaking the cycle rather than reinforcing it, to do my part which is more than the previous owners could do. To carry forward means that the person who passed it will fall behind, "I can't come where you are going."  

It's really bitter, sad, disappointing. I am reminded of my Grandpa's shortcomings and how I wanted more wisdom from him. 

I think if I had children -which I still hope to one day. I would have more understanding of how hard it is to grow up, when you don't have any sleep, and you're stressed and these little being need everything from you, and you have to acknowledge you don't have it... that on some level there is just a reality to accept. 

But on another level... there is something that just kills me about a parent playing victim. A friend of mine said that his mom was still wondering why everyone was mad at her, when she was the one pushing them away and betraying their trust... and he was just blunt about it... he told her that it was her decisions and she could choose differently, but I dunno if she got it.   That's kind of where I am with my stepmom... she makes excuses and blames others. Perhaps on some level she is holding stuff for others too... maybe there are secrets that she hasn't let out. But instead of taking responsibility for her stuff and letting others do the same, she plays victim and it becomes drama. 

I am so sick of drama. And I am hooked in it again, playing my role instead of just being me. 

Tuesday

 Last night I struggled to sleep. It was a mixture of having tea at dinner and too much soy sauce (Benihana at MOA). My feet were swollen and I was uncomfortable. Not in pain, but just enough discomfort that it was hard to fully drift off. I wasn't very present though. My mind was not cogent enough to put together any beautiful or creative thoughts, no problem solving, just a nagging. 

When I finally got to sleep, I woke up frequently. So I am tired. 

This morning I had a dream I remembered. In the dream I was going around to different places, at first it felt like I was traveling and adventuring. Eventually it felt more like I was grabbing things from different stores, more like running errands. And then I found myself running late for something. 

It turns out it was a math test. I felt nervous. Upon getting to my seat, I found out that the computer/calculators they were supposed to have given us for the test weren't working. The teacher shrugged and basically said, "do it without them." I felt overwhelmed, felt like there was no possible way for me to pass the test. I barely understood the material with a calculator... I'd been hoping to guess the random right buttons to press and muscle my way through the test to a passing grade... and now. I wanted to give up. I wanted to protest. I wanted to say this isn't fair, and it's not my fault. I wanted to say, fine, I will fail your test and see you next year (like I did in high school).  

I grabbed a paper copy of the test and walked back to my seat. Someone had placed two photo/journal albums at my desk. They were from former students of mine. They were not necessarily about me or the time I spent with them, but collections saying "thank you, we did ok... look at all that we have accomplished because you cared about us." I paged through the journals and letters and poems, not reading them but just enjoying how much thought and effort they had put into it. I looked at the photos, barely recognizing any of these people as they aged into their adulthood. But regardless. I felt fulfilled. I felt proud. I felt like my life had mattered regardless of whether I pass the math test. I couldn't have cared less. 

When I woke up... I still felt some of that residual feeling of accomplishment. Of feeling like someone thought I mattered, that I had contributed, not because I mattered specifically, but because they had felt like they mattered and could accomplish great things. It was just them saying hi, back and back and back. 

I went to Benihana at the Mall of America last night with E. It was good food, we walked the mall for 30 minutes or whatever.... caught up with how the last few months had been going. It felt good, and yet not fully connecting. Felt like there was stuff not being said. She complimented my hair a couple of times. I felt -not necessarily distant, but not exactly comfortable either. There was a distance... I guess thats all I can say. I am not sure what it means, or where it will go. But it felt both good to reconnect, and odd... like maybe we were entering a new chapter in which our spheres dont overlap as much. 

On Sunday I went to a palm sunday protest with my Mom and step Dad. I liked it, but also felt a little like... "our these my people?"  just a bunch of well meaning white folks walking through frog town waving palms. 

Saturday was No Kings, and dinner with Illy. 

I liked the event, but also felt some pangs of tremendous sadness and kind of a frustration with the whole thing.  Something like 3700 people were kidnapped from Minneapolis, and we are celebrating it like its over. Like the good white people stood up and now everyone can relax and be proud of themselves. Its not over. Its still impacting thousands... what are we celebrating? 

I wanted to write something more substantial... want to write about my hope or my desire or the changes I am going to make... but I feel kind of braindead. I guess the shortened version is that it feels like something big will change soon. Maybe its someone dying. Maybe its someone choosing to live differently. I dunno... I just feel like it wont stay this way ... and I won't necessarily have to force my own hand. Maybe that is like wishful thinking... but it feels like things are shifting, Spring is in the air? or something. I am not sure if it will be better or worse. 

Sunday Spring?

Yesterday it was like 70 degrees out and sunny. Minnesotans were out in their t shirts if that... shorts and dresses. The world seemed full of possibility, opportunity, brightness, choice and action. 

A friend and I got dinner, walking to the University and back, talking about what could come next. 

My friend remarked that I had a nice adult place. It made me feel good to think that someone might like it. I think I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I will be spending another year here. Yesterday I did some organizing. It would be easy enough to move again, but if I move, I want to know what I am moving for... I moved here to be closer to my office. I can't move my office until November at the earliest... so if that's the case. I think it would make sense to stay here for another year even if its really expensive. But who knows what could happen in the next 6 months. The news looks scary, and its difficult to hold optimism at a time like this. 

Over night the temperature dropped and cut in half. Its a gray day, and I didn't sleep very well probably because I had too much cajun spice on my seafood boil last night (trying new things at restaurants). I tried to wake up early and just couldn't get myself to face the world. I went back to sleep and woke up an hour or two later, slightly more promising. I watched some youtube and stared at a stack of Benihana gift cards I need to use by the end of the week. Feeling bad about my Dad giving me these gifts and then me wanting to pull away from him. Wondering who I could drag to Benihana on short notice, considering E. 

I tried to sit through online church and just found that it did not resonate, though they did sing a flight of the conchords song. For some reason church feels less the place I want to be lately. Maybe because E started going with me, and then it felt like a new grief when we weren't. Throughout the service I was thinking about her, despite the tarot reader (prior to the service) saying that a divine counterpart would soon enter the scene. Reciprocal, sturdy, grounded, curious, partnership. Fated... hopeful? I nodded along to the tarot reader saying "I know, thats what I've been asking for this whole time..." almost a little snarky. 

After I decided to end church early, I went and got chipotle with a gift card my dad gave me. Again, feeling complications... on the drive out to Roseville I thought about times with E, about making sure she got food, about taking care of her. Feeling sad about not having anyone to love, and not knowing what's next. I keep wondering why I am not reaching out, and keep reminding myself its ok if she pulls back. It's probably for the better for both of us in the long run. Its a weird feeling, to miss someone and to want them to pursue their life.  

I wish I was feeling more promise today, like yesterday when the world was full of potential. Today feels like preparation for a work week ahead. It feels like a cold and isolated Sunday. The kind it would be ideal to cozy up with a partner. But instead, I'll focus on what I have to do next. 

Spanish. That's what I have to do next. 

Then reading. 

Then work or exercise.

Then the other.

Check off the daily list. 

Make yourself dinner. 

Go to bed at a reasonable hour. 

Start the work week. 

Repeat.