Saturdays alone

 

It is about 3:30pm. 

I considered waking up early but spent too much time on the internet last night.  So I woke up at about 9am, and decided to try to leave by 11.  For some reason my teeth hurt, like there was metal in my cereal or my coffee cup and my mouth felt awake and vibrating in an unnerving way. 

I made my way down to dogwood on University, past where I think M works... which always makes me think about her. I wanted to sit outside, because its in the low 70s and breezy and sunny... but the way the apartment building blocks the light, it was too cold. So I sat inside and it was too loud. I ate a brownie which wasn't very good, and drank my which was the best part of the morning. I guess is what I am saying. I read a few chapters of a science fiction book, I looked for people I thought might be attractive... lately I feel like I am seeing less and less people that I am drawn to. I am realizing how easy it is to be an old cranky bastard... and yet I am lonely. At some point, my friend texted to cancel on me. I texted another who didn't get back to me for a few hours (and we both concluded we'd probably not be going out again after running errands).  

I walked home and University felt quiet. I decided it would be good to get groceries and go to costco today instead of tomorrow -when I am planning on going to a protest. 

Costco was packed. 

For some reason, even though I went to a different one, Costco always reminds me of E. Its the brands, and our repeated orders and everything. This used to happen everytime I went to the grocery store too, since I was the one who did most of our shopping and cooking. But now, it happens less at the grocery store.  Its a weird feeling... Its super nostalgic, and in the parking lot I realized how much I missed that part of my life. It would be mean to ask her to come back into my life now that she is headed forward... but I miss her a lot lately. 

After spending too much at Costco, I decided to get Leeann Chin, and go to the grocery store where I also spent too much. I had been running out of candy, and decided to go over board. 

I have enough beverages for at least 2-3 weeks, and probably enough candy for at least a month. 

I got back... there were no carts in the package room, so now my back hurts.

I am planning on reading outside... maybe watching tv later and drinking a thc drink. 

Weekends are starting to feel like a drag... on the plus side, the lady in the office of the apartment said we are gonna have a bulletin board soon, so I am thinking book club, art club, and game night or something... I don't really want to organize everything, but I do want more events. 

I know there are plenty of people I could reach out to... but I am feeling a little sadsack. 

This whole not having a crush/not having someone I'm drawn to thing is a little irritating. Its weird to spend a day or two, a week or two, a year or two...

Not sure whats next you know?

Meh

3PMish:   Quick complaints.

I bought this qi machine online, the first one didn’t work so they sent me another. I just unboxed it. Doesn’t work. 

These two giant devices totally useless. I’m like, am I doing something wrong? Why isn’t it working?

I have a slight headache. It’s making me not want to do the thing I was gonna do today - which is writing my book. I basically didn’t do much writing this weekend even though I’d planned to. 

Last night I hung with a friend, we got icecream. I started watching the last season of the boys since I have Amazon for another few days. 

Yesterday I went to the st Anthony park art festival, nothing spectacular but it was nice to get out and about and see the larger neighborhood. 

In a half hour or so I’m gonna go to a break work workshop for the second time. We shall see, hopefully my headache clears up. 

It was a really easy week last week. This week so far I think I have about 5 a day on average… so less easy. 

Finished the courage to be disliked. Need to do some reflecting on what I think of it… still have the courage to be happy and some foundation books to read. Then maybe the series a friend recommended. 

Life is pretty much great, but I have a slight headache and don’t feel creative so I’m making it a big deal I guess and being crabby. 

Oh well. Gonna rest and then go to the thing. 

**** later in the day.

I think the worst part of waking up to a really really nice dream is that you spend the rest of the day waiting for something to feel as good, or to have a conscious parallel. 

Today has not been that. Maybe its because I ate a lot of heavy food and even icecream last night... maybe my body is like "no." Or maybe because the sun isn't out and its gonna storm. Or maybe because I slept in till 11 (hence the dream).  Maybe if all my dreams had come true, I'd still be in a meh mood.

I went to the breathing thing. The previous time I had gotten a lot out of it. This time I felt dense. I felt like an anchor at the bottom of the ocean, and I wanted to move, I wanted to squirm away. 

Everyone else had a good experience, and rather than feeling connecting and empathetic, or social... I just wanted to leave. 

I walked home feeling more disappointed and I suppose, somewhat unloved. Everything is fine... and I don't feel fine. It's odd. I do think the coming storm has a lot to do with it... my mood has been getting increasingly worse throughout the day.  I don't really want to do anything. I have no brain. My mood is sour. I feel like if the love of my life walked in, I'd probably be like "hey raincheck?" 

I don't think I'll accomplish much tonight. And this week will be busy. Maybe there is a part of me just not feeling very optimistic about the week ahead?

I dunno... I have nothing real to complain about. Probably just the gray sky. 

play with it...

I woke up this morning fiening for love... or something adjacent. It's kind of catching me off guard. What's with this loneliness, and this feeling like I can't get what I want?

I also had this urgent feeling like I am running out of time... but I remember having that feeling many times in the past (like all of my 20s and parts of my 30s)... and I remember when I was actually in relationship, that there were moments in which I felt like we had infinite time, more than enough... like it had made up for all the times of being alone... and then in each of my relationships, I also had times (usually towards the end), in which I felt alone, felt I was wasting time, even within the relationship. Its vicious. 

I wrote down a series of questions that amounted to is it behavior? belief? time? space? 

Today during a lunch break I did some FIT around it... and came to the conclusion that right now I don't have enough low stakes social interaction... Like one of the things I realized, is that I don't really have any group or community right now. I was investing a bit in church, but lately I have not felt called to that space. I have been investing in protests, and single off events... but nothing consistent.  I knew this.. and yet, I didn't really realize I had ZERO.  With the exception of family... I basically have no social gatherings. So basically I came to the same conclusion I had already known but it was emphasized.  Low stakes social interaction... could I join a book club? an art club?  a board game club? a writing circle? Something regular, so regular that I lose my social anxiety, stop trying to impress, and just show up to be me, to care and be cared for... make friends. Feel like I am part of something. 

I used to have so many of those things... and each year I have less and less.

I had hoped that my office and apartment would give me more opportunities. My friend always says I am gonna meet someone in the elevator like a meetcute. 

One of the difficulties I have realized is that my apartment looks out across the street, rather than inwards towards the social gathering places like the inner court yard. There are people using the grills, the pool, the hot tub, the lounge chairs, but I don't see them, don't interact with them unless I randomly decide to go out of my way to go out there. 

Tonight I went down there to read. There were two groups of people using the grills, and a few others hanging out in random places. Most seemed like set social gatherings -like someone had specifically invited someone over for hamburgers kind of thing. I don't even know how to use the grills. There were also a couple of people in the gym, and a couple people playing pool. 

It made me recall that when I was younger I had groups

I sat outside for a while reading a book called "The Courage to be Disliked"   and then moved into the coffee/office space to read more. 

The book is a Socratic dialogue around Adlerian philosophy and therapy. The basic premise is that we can change our minds/personality/behavior etc. any time, but we don't because we believe we are benefitting from the current circumstances  (and to believe otherwise feels uncomfortable).

EG... Mike you should join the honors class, yeah but I am lazy. 

Or Mike you should run premarriage workshops, yeah but I have imposter syndrome... so I am not confident. 

Or Mike, you should put yourself out there and meet people more often, yeah, but what if I don't like them, feel used, or get rejected. 

These are all excuses, misguided beliefs that keep me stuck... but if I decided to do something else, that would be ok too... it just might feel uncomfortable to act differently to my beliefs of self...

There are all sorts of terms in the book, but the authors/theory, would say that basically the things that happened to you, or are happening to you are not real, only the meaning you make of them, which is your choice. 

I believe in some of this stuff. I even use it. It also feels too black and white. 

But it feels like a good agitation... Mike what limiting beliefs are you following that keep you from being/doing having the life you want to live? 

I think there is both a time/space/energy aspect that acts as a barrier, and a belief that is holding me back. There is a belief that I will be disappointed. That I will invest time and energy and love, and it won't work out...  because it hasn't in the past. There is a desire to find "the right fit" rather than making things work... because I feel like I tried to make things work in the past and it hurt me. 

With M and E specifically, I kept focusing on the positives and trying to make things work, when they weren't working. Now I find myself obsessively thinking about them, wanting a fix more than an actual relationship (this is just the last few days). I feel like I am fixating on stuff because I am not sure what steps I am willing to take to move forward. 

Even the ideas I said before, a board game place?  A book club? a writers circle? An art club?  Throw in a meditation group, or a spiritual place or whatever...  but when will I actually start going?

I guess I have started to attend open mics... but I don't talk to anyone there. Its a weird group of outcasts to be honest. Maybe those are my peeps?  

At work I see all the self limiting beliefs people have, and how they get in their own way. I see myself doing it too... and its boring. 

The rest of this week is very light. Only 2 appointments tomorrow, 3 Thursday, 3 Friday. I plan on doing some writing. Maybe I need to do some research around meet ups too. I dunno. 

meh

 It’s funny how I so frequently feel I’m running out of time but also just wasting my time on social media- like by 7 o’clock. I’ve already done all the things I wanted to do today and I was laying in bed wondering how will anything ever change ?  If I’m already in bed by seven and don’t give myself any time to try new things or go out or meet new people. But who was I planning to meet on Monday night that I hadn’t met in 1000 other places?

With nothing to show

 I miss the feeling of returning home from a trip with a partner. Miss switching off at a bathroom sink. Miss cuddling. Miss kissing a neck. Miss having someone to make dinner for. Miss putting my clothes away so they’re not in the way… companionship. 

It was a lonelier weekend than I’d anticipated. I think because I was writing so much, and the character I am writing is a bit of a lover. His wife has just come home, and he is torn between his way of being in the world and his way of tending to her. 

I don’t want to be codependent, but I’d like to be part of something. 

Mostly just did chores errands and read and wrote today. Still some brainstorming I want to do. 

It was rainy and I didn’t have anywhere to go or be… so it’s been another day that will slink on by.   

I wonder if I’ll regret all these years alone. I don’t know what else id have done.  If e and i had a baby she’d be 3ish?

I am craving love.  Probably settle for lust

A day

It was mostly a good day. I accomplished what I had hoped to, minus the things put off till tomorrow like dishes, and sweeping and a hair cut. 

By 10 I was out the door, by 10:30 writing. Around 1pm I went for a walk. At 4 I went to see a strange movie. 

After the movie I started writing again. 

Made dinner.

Started writing again. 

Its nearing 10 pm, and I am losing steam for the writing in front of me... but I have learned its ok to take breaks. 

When I was going to the movie, I was hit by this wave of longing for a gf. I know it had something to do with seeing so many people out with their partners on the walk, and at the coffee shop. I know it had something to do with a desire for a date to a movie. I know it had something to do with the idea that E is probably dating that guy, and passing by the place M and I went on our first date. I know it also had something to do with the horoscope and tarot readings this morning, which seemed to promise that sometime today I should be open to meeting someone...  its a weird kind of hope... the one based on people just telling you to hope, and not repeat the same old patterns when love comes walking up. 

But even my own reading today was the Lovers, the Hierophant, the Strength card, and the two of swords. The reading told me to connect, to trust, to believe that good things were coming and I just had to open my heart to meet them. 

So I am feeling a little lonely... feeling a little yearning.  

I dunno. Tonight I could have gone downstairs and maybe met someone in the shared areas... but it seemed to feel better just writing in my own space.

What will tomorrow bring?

In my book right now I am writing about a sort of priest type guy who in the midst of a communal ecstatic experience, is made aware that he and his wife are in danger. And it is very traumatic for him, because he was blissed out, and then brought back to a reality in which is wife is furious at him, his friend is dead, another friend is lost in shame and horror, and he is trying to stay in denial, in the spiritual, but keeps being brought out of it. 

It's tricky to write, because he is in sort of a daze. But I feel like I can sort of relate in that, I feel very blessed today, but also very lonely, I guess that's what I am saying. 

Angry dreams

 I just woke up livid, can feel the anger surging through me still. Almost intentionally waking from a dream in which I was so pissed I couldn’t stay in it. 

In the dream, I was at some sort of spa thing with my dad’s side of the family and a friend of mine I’d been hanging out with came too. For some reason I had skateboarded there, but also taken my car, I dunno dreams are weird. 

It was mostly good, I was having a heart to heart with my friend… though I felt somewhat on the spot. I was determined to stay open-hearted, vulnerable. 

Then we were all in the hot tub. For some reason I was holding the baby (my step-sisters most recent who is not really a baby anymore, but still too young for a hot tub).  Everyone was having a good time, and then my dad made a joke to me - that felt snarky. I wasn’t sure what he meant entirely, but the tone was underhanded. It was something like:

“Hey yeah Mike, and every few years will conveniently white wash history with the blood of patriots, right?” 

And initially I just said “yeah” as in, I hear that this is a mixed message, that somehow you’re trying to honor the sacrifice and martyrdom, while also insinuating that it’s convenient somehow, that it’s a social compact and that he was asking me to agree… to make that compact again and just say it’s ok. 

I got more angry as I sat there, and eventually got up. I handed the baby to my sister and said I have to go. I stormed out of the spa in my swim suit, but basically without clothes. 

I was skateboarding up the street angrily (which is hard to do because you still have to balance), then realized I’d left my friend with my family in an awkward situation.

So I tried to go back, there was construction and suddenly it was more tricky to go back. 

When I got to the parking lot, they were all walking out, and my friend looked fine… so I just turned around and skated towards my car (again, not sure). 

I got “home” and was trying to distract myself on the internet… fuming still. Thinking about how my dad’s anger is what caused the fight, not mine, but wrestling with this reactivity I have… is this ptsd? 

It wasn’t initially any home i'd lived in, but eventually it became the Shelard park apartment, and I decided I’d lock myself in the bedroom. I got in there and there were three bunk beds stripped of sheets. I went to the only other furniture, a large dresser, looking for just a shirt at first - I felt vulnerable being half naked after all. But in the top drawer there were pillows, all variety (like also for couches). I grabbed a few and looked for pillow cases, realizing I had to put some of the pillows back because they didn’t have corresponding pillow cases. Eventually I got two the right fit. 

My dad entered the room. I was still fuming. Irritated more by not being able to find the thing I was looking for. He stood by the bed, and put the pillows on the top bunk.

I grabbed them and threw them on the bottom where I’d been wanting to lay down. He grabbed them again, and put them on the top, saying “are you yourself again?” Or something like that, and I said “yes.” But almost immediately I knew that wasn’t entirely true. I knew that I needed to say I was myself, but that just moments before I’d been questioning why I was soooooo reactive and wanting my dad to be compassionate and empathetic towards my trauma, but in the moment. No. You don’t get to put this on me. 

He indicated with a gesture that he was putting my pillows on the top bunk because he wanted to speak face to face -man to man kind of thing. Then he started saying 

“Your resentment…” and I stopped him “my resentment!!?”  

Rage started pushing through me, he stood between me and the door, and he wanted to blame things on me. The dream didn’t go any further - I woke up funneling all this angry energy…

I think if the dream had gone further, the argument would have been that his anger and resentment was what caused the fight, not mine, and I would have asked him to take responsibility for it. But I still wasn’t even sure what he meant in the hot tub, other than that it had that feeling of wanting me to join a pact in which I was downplaying how I actually felt/thought, in order to appease him. 

My dad doesn’t usually talk like that… sometimes when he is snarky… but it felt more like E’s dad( every time I saw him, or my step dad this last week). 

The feel of “I know better and I’m making you comply before you can think up an excuse to say no.” Once you say yes, you’ll spend your time convincing yourself it’s not that bad, rather than putting up boundaries… foot in the door method. 

I saw some video yesterday about “men who try to do their own work, but end up being manipulated easily because they are willing to question their own behavior, so they easily get lost holding space and caretaking others lack of responsibility.” Seems like that fits. 

Makes me wonder if this anger at my dad and step dad is actually anger at not just them, but all the people in my life that I let take advantage of me…? 

I’m less angry now. I have a cup of coffee in me… but this is the second or third time I’ve woken up from one of these angry dreams. I’m not sure what to do about it. My dad will be very busy this summer mowing lawns. 

If I wrap up my anger baby and treat him gently,… I hear you… you don’t want to do other people’s work for them… you don’t want to collude in systems that don’t feel good, you don’t want to play into their narrative at the expense of your own, you don’t want to be vulnerable and trapped by love that doesn’t feel loving. 

I also woke up with “a war with time” specifically the part where she sings “but I want you to go.” 

Which is odd because I haven’t listened to it much lately. Dreams are funny like that. The part that bothers me is that I have been thinking about time… and how little is left. I missed my dad’s 70th birthday and just celebrated my moms. What if… you know. 

What to make of this time... how to pursue your own path, and also celebrate and hold  onto the relationships that are important to you.

E moved yesterday, and I am pretty sure she didn't ask for any help because her new bf was with her. Moving forward.  What is my next chapter or verse?  I am gonna go to a coffee shop today to write my book. Probably get a hair cut this weekend. See another friend. Maybe go for a walk. Maybe go to church tomorrow. Not much is calling... but I want to dedicate some time to writing, make progress even if it is a little. 

The week back

I am not sure what to say about this week. 

It is Thursday and I have about 4 clients today, so not too busy. I am trying to go to the open mic tonight, not to perform but just to be present in a space with others who are doing creative work. Maybe eventually perform. It feels weird but I need to take the last hour of my day off in order to get there (and fed)  because its from 6-8, with sign up prior to 6pm. But I'd like to be around folks who are trying new things.

Each day this week I've felt a little less disappointed and jaded... but also not quite energized, motivated or creative. Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty full at work. Tuesday I had therapy and it was good to get it out... but I also started trying to reframe the situation. I've complained enough now... now what?

But it was good to have the recognition that the disappointment and feelings that I had not done enough, nor had anyone else, was reminiscent of my childhood... where is the adult who is supposed to fix this?  And that it is my work to sit with and accept that its ok. My mom is ok. My family is ok. Not perfect... not amazing... but good enough.   

My mom said she had a good time, and felt loved, had time with her favorite folks. That's kind of all that matters right?  So my feelings of 'this isn't enough, good enough, etc.' is mine to deal with. 

So yesterday I decided I should start reflecting on the prompt of "if my family is flawed but still loveable, gifted, a blessing, capable of dealing with their own stuff... then can I accept them, and also myself in the same way, not strive for perfection or something different, but deepening in appreciation, accepting, rather than depleting myself and trying to strive for something different. It's difficult... I feel torn between what could be (potential) and what is... and that might be the tension I just have to learn to love.

I am not sure what it all means yet. But I think this spring has been a major wake up of... you're not gonna get what you want from your family, you need to seek that in yourself and outside... and in the meantime, you need to accept and love people for who they are, not their potential.

I am wondering how I let go of control... of desire to have it all perfect.

One of the things that I was noticing a lot in the dynamic was how my step dad's anxiety and shame was coming out sideways into all of these yucky controlling/judgy behaviors and self centeredness. I was especially aware of it because A) I wanted the opposite during a weekend that was supposed to be celebrating my mom, but B) because I see so much of that in myself when I am struggling.  I could see perfectly how my behavior around past relationships might come out in resentment, guilting, judgy, when I felt others weren't stepping up to the table the way I hoped they would.  When I didn't feel appreciated for my contributions. It felt a little middle school -give me attention, or I'll be snarky. I guess we are all going through it... but I always wanted my family to come out on the other side of their own work. I need to remind myself that people are people... that we all have our wounds and challenges. Why do I feel I/we should be exceptions?

I don't know what this means for my Dad and step mom... its still hard to sit with the fact that they basically throw their hands up and say 'yeah nazis are ok as long as they dont hurt me.'

I am not sure if it is the larger picture, or the direct feeling that they hurt me by being this way. You don't believe me. 

They are comfortable moving forward without resolution. Am I?

Maybe I need to drift into some Buddhism or Tao to make it through this era of life.

Not sure what else to say. 

The nights have not been productive, but I have been maintaining. It's been weird to be home alone after time in community. The push pull of attachment. I don't really want to see anyone, and yet I also feel an emptiness. 

I've exercised a small amount, kept up with spanish, made dinner for myself... but I have a handful of things I've been meaning to do and haven't. 

This weekend I am hoping to do some writing on the book... some progress is better than no progress for years. 

Probably also see a friend or two.

Dissatisfied

 Up north for mom’s birthday. Feeling dissatisfied. 

It’s been a wake up call to the dysfunction of our family. 

A year ago she asked us to put it on the calendar, maybe that was too much time, maybe it was just that everyone assumed because she asked for a weekend up north, that was the gift. You know? But she gave us gas money and a year notice. So what did we do? We came up, but without much of a plan, no real gifts or birthday cake or nothing. I bought her something she asked for. Brothers wrote a nice card and said they’d get her car detailed. We wrote out 70+ notes all last minute to say thank you, or memories, or something we appreciated about her. It was a nice gesture, but it was all very last minute. So last minute that members of the family were still making/writing them while she waited on the couch wondering what we were doing. It all worked out…

But I felt like we didn’t do enough. My brothers were all able to share really specific funny memories, my mind doesn’t work that way. It’s all themes and meanings, and the general overview. I don’t recall specific little stories that well. But the pages were good. Lots of art. Lots of nice things. 

My step family was kind of the issue… step brothers unclear on what was happening and what was expected of them, and even then somewhat reluctant? Not really engaged until it became obviously they should be. 

Step dad, barely had any input. Like honestly zero. Every story this weekend had to include his thoughts or his input. Frequently he jumped in to share something going on with his work. It felt odd. And he was crabby part of the time, a lot of it because he wasn’t even sure if his kids were gonna show up. And it was unclear if it was about them, or him, or my mom… like who is causing the distress and poor communication here? 

And the. Privately I heard his complaints about how much it costs to put the kids in a hotel etc… and it felt like it was burdening him, rather than him trying to go out of his way to make my mom happy.  I dunno… I guess what I’m saying is his narcissism is worse than I remember. 

No card or gift in front of the rest of us. No cake or candles… I dunno. I guess I’m disappointed in myself. But I’m also disappointed in us collectively. 

I wished it had been a year of making it meaningful. Instead it was, all last minute “oh by the way, I love you.” Then move on to the next thing. Maybe she just wanted us around… time as a family.

I know everyone is busy all the time. Me too. I know the little ones can be a handful and I also need a break from them sometimes - I dunno… just bugs me.  

Maybe there is also just a realization of my own loneliness, no partner to share things with, no one to take care of or be taken care of. I’m not exactly great at the big romantic gestures myself. Every time I’m up here I’m reminded of past times I’m up here. We went to grand marais yesterday… same thing. Passing through Duluth, same thing. Maybe I’m disappointed, because I’m aware I’m not fully living the life I want to be living either. No one to talk to and debrief with. 

Tomorrow head back to daily life, work stress, groceries etc.  no major plans for a while

Want to write my book, selfishly I’d hoped I’d have time this weekend, but instead been spending time with family and coordinating this book thing everyone was contributing to. My brother cooked dinner the last few nights it was nice. 

I dunno. Hard to slow down and be mindful and positive I guess - when I feel like we didn’t do enough. Don’t deserve it. 

What was great: 

Putting together puzzles and talking to brother J and brother C. Getting to talk to N and N about Mexico City. Spending some time with the kiddos. Talking to mom, as usual. Walking the paths without bugs!!!. The new deck. 

Focus

That's an aspirational title. Right now I feel very unfocused. Multitasking poorly. I took the day off to prep for up north. My mom asked us to go up there as a family for her birthday -so I will leave tomorrow. 3 nights. Sounds like its gonna be in the 40s. There were fires last week. Too dry in May...

I had a dream last night in which I left friends to go on an adventure. I was riding on some sort of train or bus with R, everything I touched felt oily and gross, and I felt suffocated as people came aboard. I decided that I needed to get off and walk home, though I wasn't really sure where I was. Eventually I gave R some money to give to someone else (the teacher maybe?). It was kind of a weird thing, not sure who that other person was. Once I got off the train/bus, I checked my phone and realized I was much further away than I'd thought. I was in a city -one of those far off suburbs that became an exurb, and then a suburb, so it has its own history and culture. I was curious. Maybe I'll walk through this city, and then when I get closer to things that are familiar I'll take a bus -I figured. But before I could, I needed to say goodbye to the LNAS folks... where did they come from? No idea, but they were dillydallying. We were in A's apartment I think, and I hadn't seen some of these teachers in years. I was checking in, but not really wanting to get into anything. I was eager to get on my adventure. I said my goodbyes. V told me to get jamaican food or something. I had two paths in mind, one led through a park, the other through an old downtown (like mainstreet).  

When I woke up, I thought it was interesting how in both cases I felt so uncomfortable amongst friends. I was ready for an adventure. I was eager to get away. 

Though I am wanting to celebrate my mom, I kind of feel similarly about this weekend. If I had 5 days off, I'd spend it writing my book. I am hoping to, for part of my time... but being surrounded by others doesn't lead to that usually. 

I am listening to tarot right now. She is like "not internal reflection, outward action."  I am doing the opposite today. My personal spread was Hermit, Star, Fool, High Priestess, Devil, underlying Ace of Pentacles. Almost all major arcana. Maybe that means something. 

My plans for today... do some Spanish. Work on a gift. Go to the bank and get gas. Maybe take a walk. Not much else. I might watch Foundation while I work on the gift... I had considered going to a coffee shop to brainstorm ideas, but I think that was just an excuse to get out of my apartment. 

Everything is so expensive now. 

This week was pretty busy. 5-6 meetings each day. I finished up my notes last night and felt relieved. I need a break. Yesterday I had 6 guys, 4 of them between 50-mid 70s. Cranky in all different ways. I can see myself becoming that if I am not careful. 

Not sure what else to day... I guess my brain isn't fully on... 

morning run

 

Its been difficult to get out of bed.

Last night I ate dinner and basically went to bed early, feeling unmotivated to do any of the things I had said I would. Near around 10, I woke up again and started writing. I was up past 1pm. 

This way of being isn't really sustainable... been doing it the last couple of days and I enjoy the writing again. But it makes me feel unprepared for work.

I had a dream. In the dream, one of my clients who I see today, was sitting on the floor in front of me. She was feeling playful, but between us was this idea that this would be our last session. I wasn't sure why. She had this idea that because I was going on vacation, I wouldn't be returning.

I woke up and wondered if I had the order backwards. That maybe she was saying it was her last session. 

I've been feeling weird since a session yesterday in which a client with trauma was giving me mixed messages. I felt like I wanted to help him explore this time period, but I couldn't get clarity... and I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not. I left feeling like I'd done it wrong... I know these are the feelings he experiences routinely. 

I saw that the guy I am wondering if E is dating continues to become facebook friends with her family. No clarity. Not feeling jealous necessarily, but aware of the feeling of being replaced?  I guess thats what I am noticing. That I have no relationship to invest in, and I am losing the relationships I'd created. 

The day is gray and kind of cold. I am struggling with motivation and mood. I haven't felt this type of moodiness in a long time. I feel down and out... 

It didn't help that I woke to an alert from google saying my password was compromised. Means more work. 

Yesterday I sat with the owner of the clinic downstairs, she introduced me and a colleague to KAP ketamine assisted psychotherapy, the procedure, the impacts, etc. I spent half the time staring at her boo collections, her buddha statues, the mala beads she wore around her neck. She was basically talking about her work and if we were in another culture, she would be talking about shamanism. I left feeling somewhat inspired and hopeful. Only somewhat about the medicine, more about the connection, the humanism, the invitation to be. 

This morning I was wondering if I should try to take her on as a mentor. Develop a relationship. Borrow a book. You know.  

She recommended MDMA for social anxiety, even though its illegal. She was funny like that. Like there were elements she was acknowledging secretly in the open. Maybe thats a path I need to go down. 

But this morning, even though I swallowed a handful of vitamins, I am reluctant to take medicine. Not from this space of want. 

More another day. I have to go to work. 

 

Its that time (like this week) to make decisions about my future. Where do I want to live? Where do I want to work? How much is too much to spend on things I am not even taking advantage of (though my friend did note that I took advantage of the pool table and darts for the first time last weekend). I had hoped to be more active in these buildings, is there room to deepen? To invest? Or is it better to pull up roots and move to the next thing?

I walked around St. Anthony Park (the southside) and questioned. What keeps me here. What makes it hard to move? Why am I having such a hard time getting out of bed lately.

The song Where Do I Go from Hair played in my head as I walked across the bridge back towards my office. I am working from home today, and people keep canceling (3 so far this week) or rescheduling ... so it feels light. 

During the day time I feel good. Yesterday after work (5 appointments and a supervision I'd forgotten about) I got Taco Bell and then crashed by 7pm. I woke up after 10pm. I wanted to keep sleeping but couldn't. An image of a weird sunflower shaped object (sometimes more diamond like) was in multiple dreams. I woke up, and wondered if I should try to make one out of tinfoil. Why? Who knows... something to do in the middle of the night while I watch a tv show. I stayed up till 1AM or so. It was fine. I decided the only thing I really want to accomplish before I die that is entirely within my control is to finish my book.  But I didn't get up to write it. I didn't plan which days of the week I would try to be creative. I just realized that on my death bed I will have a bunch of what ifs, and regrets, but most are about other people. The only thing in my control is what I do. 

My job isn't fulfilling enough. I can't look to it to solve all my issues. My apartment isn't fulfilling enough. I am not satisfied, so I need to go out and do more, explore more, write more. Invite more in... I could ask around in the building to see if anyone wants a board game or card game night, or a book club. 

Meet and interact with more people... but yesterday 6 sessions wiped me out and I felt like I had nothing to look forward to except dreaming. Oh sweet dreams. 

I feel like I am being sooooo dramatic. So self-obsessed lately. 

None of it really matters all that much. Work is work. Whether I am doing a good job or a bad job isn't really all that impactful. People come and go. I am so invested in their lives for a time, and then I am not. 

I've been thinking a lot about how when I am invested in something I get soooo analytical, so in the weeds with it... problem solve, explore, brainstorm, critique, create, try again... but I can't do it all on my own. Need more ongoing support to do stuff. That's part of the problem with the office. We are all too busy and when we are not busy (like me today) we stay home. We invest in our lives outside the office. But anyway... I was thinking about how I see everything through this psychological lens now... clinical... always. And its not entirely helpful for living a day to day life. Like I look at things through these lenses, faith, astrology, tarot, enneagram, psychology... sociology, education... but like... what about just life for its own sake?  It is very hard for me to settle down and just exist... to just chill... to just admire existence. I always want to know how things can improve, or how we can look at them differently...  this isn't new. I just think psychology was like the latest version.  Now I am sort of fed up with reading psychology/clinical/self help books. It's all good. It serves its purpose... but nothing is 100%, no fixes. I guess the more I embrace that idea, the less urgent things seem, and also the less motivated I feel. I am less on the rollercoaster for a moment, and then I do nothing. 

*Maybe I should look into having someone else do my billing, then I wouldn't have to worry about it. Just an aside.  I've been thinking about what I would want to do with my business that would make it more exciting... teaching? workshops?  integrating other modalities? reducing the things I hate like billing?  

But its all so self-absorbed (the way I see life). There is always this *whats next, how do I feel, how do  they feel, what should I do, what should they do   -aspect, instead of just allowing. I am dissatisfied... and because I am -I am withdrawing again. Because why ask a stranger to get coffee? it will turn into me analyzing them. Why invest in something, I'll be drained and feel like I am stretched too thin... why why why... 

So self absorbed you know? 

I sort of need to be self absorbed to make decisions, to set boundaries, to discern, but at the same time it sucks the joy out of life.  I am a joy kill. 

How do I deepen without sucking the joy out of things?

*Made the decision. Staying in this apartment until at least August of 2027. Staying in my office until at least May 2028.

I think I am gonna go to Mexico City in 2027, and ask my mom if she wants to come for part of it. 

I think I am going to start writing my book again, maybe like attend to one chapter a week and I need to send it to someone to hold me accountable. Maybe I pay someone like $10 a week just to hold me accountable. That would be like 500 bucks. If they edited... it would be even better. 

What do you do with your one precious life?

 

Well, the weekend continued to go quietly. Got some groceries. Did some cleaning. Watched a show. Took a nap. Did some laundry. Listened to a cd I haven't listened to in a while. 

It occurred to me that I wasn't looking forward to the week, but I wasn't not looking forward to it  -and that reminded me that just the other day I was talking to a teenaged client who said he hates the weekends because he can't work... and I spent 40 minutes trying to get him to google things to do. 

So I took my own advice. There are a lot of summer festivals coming up in St. Paul. There are some museums I could go to. Some parks. A few things I might want to do on my own, others I could invite someone to. 

I didn't do any of them. In fact, I looked at my next weekend and saw that I had nothing, when my Brother texted and asked if I could help out with a kids birthday party. And I said, hit me up if you need me, but wasn't enthused. I didn't reach out to anyone. Barely said Hi to my mom (who was out of town). 

There is sort of a love hate of people I guess.   I didn't want to leave the house much today. Could have sat outside and read a book or something. Could have gone for a walk. Could have sat at a coffee shop and done some writing. 

There is a weird thing about life... no right way to do it, but I found myself bored with my own life, and then wondered why I was unwilling to do something about it. How strange. 

I think I might be the world's biggest complainer. 

The week looks pretty easy work wise, 4-5 clients a day. 

A thing for my brother on Thursday, picking up a friend at the train station Friday. Maybe this kids party Saturday.

Church Sunday? same old chores, same old routine. 

I should start playing board games at a store, or join an art project that I don't have to do anything but show up, or take a writing class...  Something...

I guess its bed time.

Mothers day

I struggled to respond to my alarms this morning, or rather made the choice to go back to bed. Dreams, odd and heavy, strange as they were kept calling to me. At least amongst the dreams, there was love and passion, reaching, and pushing... I know I was scared, felt on the hook, felt caught up... but I was in the middle of people, I was in relationship.

I woke up and decided I didn't want to be amongst strangers at church, but also on the odd chance that I'd see someone I knew, didn't want to play a role, rather than feeling truly caught up in the middle.

I got up in time to watch the livestream, and have been distracted the whole time. Eating breakfast, checking social media, caught off guard by random thoughts and feelings. 

It's been a quiet weekend, primarily spent alone. Saw a friend last night, but otherwise spent solo. Sleeping-in always makes me a little more braindead, and yesterday I slept in till 11 (for the same reasons). I had nothing to do, nothing to step into, nothing that called. 

Not feeling bad for myself entirely, just aware, so much silence makes it hard to ignore. At 5 pm, I went for a walk, knowing my friend would arrive around 6. It was really windy out, as I walked around in a very quiet part of St. Paul, I wondered about my own next steps, I sang songs, prayed, I talked out loud... all the things I do while traveling, exploring, figuring out who I am. What would make life feel more fulfilling?  How beautiful that tree is. What changes do I need to make? Oh, that is where that business is... How many places have I seen and how many I will still see...  There are elements of my life that feel good, that sustain me, but there are also things or people missing. My apartment is fine, but not fulfilling. My work is fine, but not fulfilling. My Church is fine, but not fulfilling. My relationships with family and friends are fine, but not fulfilling. 

It's easy to fall into a question, why me?  Why is that I have had these relationships that feel so strong in the moment, but sizzle out, or burn up... am I doing something wrong?  Why have I not been able to find what others do... companionship, partnership, etc. 

I am sitting and listening to church, and part of me misses E. Wonders how she is, what she is up to, if she is spending time with her family, with friends, alone?  Do these people I have loved wonder the same about me? 

It is Mothers day, and there is a bit of sadness, of grief, of relief, of longing still.  I read a postsecret this morning that was about a child who was looking online at their bio parent's social media because their parent did not know they existed and I was almost envious of that parent. -As in, someone wants to know you. As in, someone needs to know you. 

I don't like to make it sound definite, but I am very sad that I might miss my window to be a parent. I know there is still time, and so many ways I could *make it happen, but I've been determined to have it on my terms, and my terms are not the terms of the universe I guess.  

But then it also makes me feel sort of pathetic, because I have had many people in my life who have asked me to bring down my walls, to be vulnerable, to trust in them, and I chose not to. Kept them at a distance, lied or omitted, was silent, did not reach. 

I know there is no right way, but I also know that I have struggled to find, name and define my own. Even now with my dad and step mom, it feels important to set boundaries, but I also know I am not entirely in the right, because they are not entirely in the wrong... just different needs right now. 

I am not sure where I was going with any of this... 

Just to say, I guess, that silence allows me to notice the little cracks, the absences. 

"How far gone, my love, how long, will you be at sea,
Are you lost? If not,

come home for me."

May

I guess it's been a week - I didn't realize it had been so long since I wrote.   Its already May 6th. 

Last Friday I took the day off and went to two protests. The first was at a bridge downtown and some young activists stopped traffic and got arrested. It took the cops a surprisingly long time to get there -like over 30 minute? then another 15 to arrest them.  All the while we stood singing songs and waving our posters on the other side of the bridge -where traffic was allowed to leave downtown. I imagined the truck union drivers that did it in the 30s or whatever... how easy it was to stop the entry/exit points of the city. 

After that I walked around the north loop a little. I haven't really been down there in years. It was really cool and I kind of missed city life. There is a big difference between St. Anthony Park and the north loop...  but really, it would have been at least back to Dunn Bros time and before that When I and L lived down there. Its crazy how you can just not go to a neighborhood or an area of the city even when you live in it. 

Speaking of which, I have been investigating the St. Anthony Park neighborhood a bit more when it is warm out. Its a really cool area, old houses, not a lot of uniformity, liberal, art, gardens, anti ice signs everywhere. I wanna keep checking it out, but another part of me is considering moving -especially if I don't get to stay in my office (a bunch of drama in itself). 

Last Thursday I went to an open house/happy hour thing on the 2nd floor and met people, and socialized and it was really nice. It was like we were all waiting for someone else to make it happen and then they did and it was nice.  I emailed the owner of the building on Friday and said I'd like to renew... he said he'd get back to me -despite the deadline for renewal being in mid -may. Anyway... now I feel like I am not welcome, so I might as well start looking for a new space for November... and maybe a new apartment too. 

In the meantime, I decided I am going to NYC in August for a week. J said I could stay at her place which cuts down a lot on costs... I know my mom offered a trip, but I'd prefer to go to Mexico City with her... Maybe next year? 

Her birthday is coming up. 

My Dad just had his. Leading up to it was all sorts of mixed feelings, but on the day before the party we went for a walk and I told him I didn't really see anything changing... so I probably wouldnt be there. I added to his gift, told him I'd take him out for a dinner.  Aunt T reached out and said she missed me, and that she was upset by her brothers and their politics... I said it was better for me to not be there. 

Instead of the birthday party (the last for a while thank the loid)... I went to the May Day Parade and loved every bit of it. Ran into KT, gotta reach out to her again. Saw some other folks, but didn't really talk to anyone. Sat for hours in the sun people watching, praying, taking in the positive vibes and saying thank you. Then the ceremony started, I cried my eyes out, sang, praised, hugged the guy next to me... It was sooooo beautiful and so great, and it made me want to move to powderhorn -or north east more likely... but just the vibes of minneapolis. 

I did have some moments wondering why I am all alone in a crowd of amazing people...but I also had some moments in which I felt grateful I was so that I could have my own experience and not be worried about someone else, or catering to them. It was soooo lovely, and part of me just wants to promise myself that I will always make room for it. A promise to myself that I get to celebrate this beautiful thing you know...

I made the decision RE: NYC and for a while after skipping my dad's thing, doing the May Day parade and generally feeling like I was being true to myself -I felt empowered, optimistic, really like-seize the day emperor energy. 

Then this week has just felt all over the place with work. Really exhausting... crisis, revelation, family drama, celebration, surgeries and potential hospitalizations, insight, and on and on... some of it is the same old drama, some of it is like -everyone who is sensitive is extra sensitive, everyone who doesn't feel like they belong feels extra like they don't belong.  Parts of me see so many parts of me.... and I am just like yeah... its hard, but I am also somehow optimistic still?

Two more days, but it has felt like a week already. At lunch time I see my neighbor people and I cant even think about socializing. Generally I am feeling caught up, but I am also feeling very drained. 

I need to claim what I want... I don't really know how to meet someone, the rest is easy enough. Pack up your stuff and go. 

No right ways?

I woke up earlier today feeling kind of anxious, but also optimistic. I felt like I was somehow free of some of the heaviness I have been feeling.  I walked to work thinking that I would have to step into the next phase of my life, one in which I am an adult and my parents aren't on a pedestal, and that that is ok. They would just be other human beings, not people to look up to. More particularly, my dad and step mom would just be people whose opinions don't really matter to me -in some ways more akin to the self-righteousness I had 20 years ago. Maybe I've been compromising too much of myself, and really, I just need to think of these people as less than or something... I dunno even thinking about it fully makes me feel like I am not living into my values.   It is kind of what my siblings described that they have had to do... look at our parents, and dismiss them.  That feels dumb, but maybe I can't talk to my dad or step mom about the things I care about in the world, because they won't get it. Maybe doing so (for me) actually just opens me up to feeling vulnerable and hurt by them when they choose differently (read stupidly). 

At work I sat with clients and had this weird removed quality... sitting back, observing... I mean I was in it with them, but I was also just so aware of how all our drama is just drama. Our egos, our hurts and angers, our desires, our want to be seen and known, our ability to delude ourselves, to fight for things, to make mistakes and douse ourselves in gasoline and light a match... just human junk. None of it all that meaningful, but because we have nothing else to fret over, so deeply meaningful. 

I had a client that I relate to a lot. We were talking about what age he is when he is in the story he is telling himself... eg, did you develop this story as a child? at 20?   From my freefloating place, I could tell that he didn't feel he had much agency when he told this story, he was being acted upon... even though logically he knew better. The story and the feeling were disempowering... they didn't lead to options or feeling capable... and I noticed myself chastising myself for being in this younger version of me so much lately. I don't have any power or choice, I feel young, mixed up, I feel incapable of holding myself together or standing my ground in a generous way...   I am also angst and anger. ---but today, I was free for a while. I was in the clouds, and my drama didn't matter. 

And I kind of liked being in my lofty somewhat egoless state... and then I also knew I was kind of deluding myself - but I felt more optimistic and hopeful about what I could do with my life -if I just laughed at all my drama instead of acting it out. This and that, and the other thing... meh, what's next, ok do it.   (some spiritual bypassing obviously). 

Then today the Supreme Court overturned part of the Voting Rights Act and an idiot went before Congress and I was just reminded again of the consequences... our world is going to shit because of these people. Fuck you. Fuck you for creating a future in which we don't have rights, health care, education, security, an environment or any fucking hope. Fuck you for ruining the American Dream. Fuck you for blaming us when you chose to do it.  Fuck you for being stupid enough to fall for the conmen over and over even when it hurts you. Fuck you for your mistakes, which you won't take responsibility for and make your life and mine worse. Why should I be nice about it... you're hurting my business, my clients, my students, my health, everything I've worked for, you're undermining... why should I be nice to you?  

Its like, you don't want to be the daycare for your grandkids? whose fault was that? You don't want to help pay their bills every month? Whose fault was that? You want it to be easier to relax, or travel or make a living... you voted against it, so fuck you. 

And I can point out... well on an interpersonal level, you're really nice, welcoming, hospitable, gracious... and I have certainly benefitted on the one hand... and on the other I've had to sacrifice more, work harder, give to more people and organizations, fight fight fight against the people you empower, don't question, etc.   And even when you're upset by their lack of integrity, you fall into "bothsides..." cynicism that makes nothing better, selfish pity party, still no personal responsibility from you -and then you blame us for it?  For fighting back? For saying enough is enough? fuck you. 

It makes me angry that you give with one hand and don't recognize you're pulling the rug out from beneath us... you only want credit for offering a hand up. That's fucked up. 

What do I even want? 

I mean... I don't want to cut off my family. I don't want to not show up to parties and family gatherings... I also don't want to roll my eyes or start a fight when something stupid is said. My step-sister basically said she already sees it getting a lot worse... and said she has to bite her tongue, or roll her eyes, or ignore, or walk away... and it's like ---yeah but the defunded the nursing home so that won't even be an option.  

(I am making it seem like they say anything out loud... they don't. They aren't even concrete in their arguments anymore. They make a snide comment. They're actually more cynical than righteous in their political views. It's just that they don't even acknowledge they were wrong.)

I don't like ignoring people, leaving people out, not hearing them out... I feel like there should be room at the table for different points of view... but when people are sharing points of view that hurt others -it sucks. 

Unconditional positive regard... Seeing the best in people... loving people for their potential rather than accepting who they are...  These are tools...but they are also traps for me. 

Sometimes I think about how in one of our first deeper convos M told me she was broken, and probably shouldn't ever get married again. I dismissed it, said it was kind of a silly idea, and that of course she would... I met her, how I would meet anyone (let alone anyone I had a crush on)... but maybe I should have asked more questions about why she was responsible for her failed relationships instead of dismissing these statements.  With E, I often wanted to project the ability of her to succeed in things she felt a lack of competence for... tried to help her... but maybe I should have just believed her. Yeah, you won't figure that out, and I'm not sure I can carry the weight for you. 

This morning or yesterday I was thinking about how both of these women lied to me regularly, not necessarily consciously... but they did. If I had trusted my gut that noticed all the red flags, I wouldn't have gotten into it so deep... but I breezed right by that shit. 

As a teacher and a therapist, I was required to believe that people could grow, succeed, overcome barriers and challenges... I do believe that. But most wont... it requires effort, and support, and being honest, and taking responsibility, and being courageous enough to sacrifice or face the music of what we have done... I'm not that brave am I?   Why do I expect others to be?

I complained to my step sister, no one taught me how to do this... instead, they taught me to shift the blame down the ladder... making others responsible for my actions.

YUCKY

Isn't that exactly what the country is doing? 

If I go back to my cloud its like ...yeah dude... thats one of the dramas we play out... it is, has been, will be...     Is your resistance? self flagellating ? walking away from relationships gonna help?

I dunno...   I just know my Dad's birthday is coming up... and I am struggling to be on board. Or make a card, or whatever the fuck we are doing. 

5 pm on a Sunday.

 I’m sitting outside at my apartment. I feel like I never noticed the wallpaper in the bathrooms on the first floor are weed themed. 

The hot tub is open again, and there are about 6 people in there chatting -gonna walk back up to my apartment. 

It’s funny how nothing in this place is really that comfortable. Not their couches nor mine. I should get à la z boy. 

I’m sure most of the folks in the hot tub knew each other, but the casual talk of a group… the way it must remain somewhat shallow, it reminded me of being at a hostel, amongst a group, wondering when to chime in. Wondering if I have anything of value to add to the conversation, wondering if I even want to have a conversation with these strangers. I’m sooo antisocial. I was thinking today as I got groceries that I am so set in my ways, making things simple, ritualistic even, groceries on Sunday, laundry on Friday, the same basic meals, the same chores, the same friends. And when there is a special event I don’t cherish it, I’m anxious till it is in the past and I can relax again. 

I don’t go out of my way to try new things, at best a walk or a drive to a new neighborhood, or a different route, but even that is so uncommon on the whole. 

I’ve done all my things today and the one (other than dinner and dishes) that I have left is to write something positive about my dad. Something for his birthday. Why is it so hard?

Yesterday I spent about 3 hours writing to Ali, writing and erasing, writing and erasing. She responded kindly today. It gave me some hope, and then I left my apartment and remembered that not only did the government attack my community, but my parents defended them. Accused my neighbors and the protesters standing up against them of wrong doing. It’s not a policy. It’s a line in the sand… and that’s why I am angry. I have no doubt they’d cross the line in my moment of need, but to not be able to extend that… what then? And even then, only if it didn’t cost them anything too much… especially my step mom. If it were her or me, she’d choose herself and my dad would too. So on the personal and public, I lost trust. 

I don’t want to be angry all the time. I don’t want to be distant. That’s what I realized, writing to Ali, how many excuses I make to pull away, to hide because it’s so much more difficult to name and stay engaged. 

But can I just engage and not get angry? Do I need to start avoiding conversations? Leaving early? Dismissing them in my head and rolling my eyes as if they are children…

Is it that point. Give up on them. Let it go. Know their limits and build support for your own. Is it that?

I guess it is that.  That’s the conclusion everyone in their lives has come to, my siblings, my dads siblings, my step moms family (they all dismiss her). 

Stay part of the family and just don’t engage.

If I had my own support network, a group of friends, or a family of my own… it wouldn’t be so hard to let it go. I know that to be the case. I’d pull away slightly and rest in the company I choose to keep and I’d hold them so much closer. 

Being single and childless is hilariously dumb. 

I go to the grocery store and wonder how with my rituals and scheduled out life, in which I serve others but make no room for fun or social selfish time, I’ll ever meet someone. I think I might need to go on a dating app… and I hate dating.  I think I might have to join something, go somewhere, do something different. It would be nice if that thing would just pop out and make itself known. 

I’m back to all the old lonely shit. Nice apartment. Business. Stability. But no one I want to share it with. So may folks would just point out like… do something different. But I’ve taken classes and explored, and been around the world, and had jobs and volunteered and been part of clubs and circles and churches and I dunno. Sometimes it’s like… universe where are you?

My tarot today was overwhelmingly positive, except it started with the death and resurrection card. And maybe that’s what I need. To die to this life and start a new one.

9:35 so that like 7 minutes earlier

Just finished season 2 of Shrinking. 

I decided this season was all about rupture and repair. 

Things turned out ok. 

I cried a lot toward the end of the season.

BCBS owes me like 5800$ and they were sending it to the wrong place. I am not sure if its sorted yet, cuz I couldn't get through one of the webpages. They said 45 days then they will reissue the checks. Makes a lot more sense why I felt I wasn't making enough money. I mean... throw another 6k at it, and I am fine. I owe more in taxes though. Maybe next quarter I will pay double. 

The show makes me cry so hard for moments. It's like deep grief and heart break, release, then relief. 

I am wishing I could have some relief from the fight with my Dad and Step Mom... wondering how necessary it is to stay angry.  Part of me wants to write out a list of all the ways my Dad has been loving toward me, and I guess... at least acknowledge that. Maybe they don't have to balance scales... maybe its not about scales... just that I am deeply hurt by this life long stuff... and also I love my Dad. Both things are true... its not as picture perfect as a tv show though. 

There is a deep part of me still grieving having a companion. I am noticing that a lot lately. Maybe it means I should be dating. Craving intimacy and belonging. 

Sometimes I wonder if I have become too antisocial... like I save all my goodness for work, and I have nothing left for anyone else... but really its just like -when you don't do stuff, you don't do stuff. Its not some big existential thing. If you're not part of something, you aren't part of something. 

Pretty simple really.

I think I am just delaying going to bed. 

Only 3 clients tomorrow. Maybe I'll write my list or whatever.

9:42

I turned my phone to grayscale to practice not being addicted. Watched three episodes of Shrinking and youtube instead.

Was supposed to have had 6 clients today, but one cancelled. It was a good day. I was supposed to have 6 tomorrow but one switched to Friday. 5 clients in a day is dreamy. I walked home, realized I didn't have anything to do. Read for an hour. 

Caught up with some checks and realized I haven't been getting checks from BCBS even though they say they are sending them. Meaning either they are sending them the wrong place, not sending them, or they are getting lost in the mail. I will probably have to call someone to sort this shit out. 

I am a little worried my check from wellsfargo also got stuck in the mail... what do you do if checks aren't getting through in the mail?

I am lonely. It's probably like 70 degrees out. I am gonna go finish my book or go to sleep. 

My tarot cards today were judgment, 3 of swords, two of pentacles and the sun. 

I felt some of em... not sure where that heart break was... just a slow ache I guess. 

I don't know what I want really... I think I've decided I am staying in my apartment and office for another year -for the stability. Then?  Either a new place or a getaway? 

Maybe the heartbreak will be in the next two hours. Half the characters of the book are dead. I am not sure if I think reading the rest of the series is worth it. I get how this series (Foundation) was a precursor to other sci fi series. Lots of new ideas. Lots of great insight... but its soooo tedious and slow sometimes. -I guess similar to how tv and movies were back in the day. 

Authors got away with a lot more telling and not showing, or showing in the tedious ways.

It all just is what it is. Here is a heartbreak kind of song from the show:

ideas of flight

I woke up today not exactly feeling grand. I guess it wasn't a bad day. I had 5 clients and another one that cancelled. I had an old client reach out to begin therapy again. Briefly chatted with some neighbor coworkers? (Still haven't decided what to call them). Got all my paperwork done for the day. 

I text my mom a bit on the way home, about feeling mixed and weird.

On some level, I feel like a bratty kid making a fuss over nothing. On another level, I feel like I am fighting to be heard. I keep thinking about how it was easier when I had a partner... easier to stand my ground. Easier to feel like my decisions were based on more than just my whims. Easier to say, I matter, when someone else thinks you do. I told my mom, I feel like the bad kid, and that I am being overdramatic, and needy, and selfish. But also that I don't even want to be in the room with my step mom right now. My mom, amongst other thoughts, mentioned that I needed a vacation. 

I thought it was funny. 

My response to finding out that E was likely dating someone, was to spend part of last night thinking about running away again. Why am I here?  I don't feel like my life is heading anywhere... despite the whole business and apartment thing. I have the same old friends. I have the same old family dynamics. I am not tied down to anything. I could spend the next year getting my business settled and then decided to spend 6 months or a year in south east asia. I could go take some eat pray love classes in India. I could move to portugal with the rest of the americans. 

I have dreams and goals, and I am not pursuing most of them at this time. My job is nice, but it isn't enough. I keep seeing myself growing old alone and not accomplishing the things I told myself I would. Write that book. 6/7 continents. Meet someone. 

When I am traveling I am alone most of the time, but I also have new experiences every day, new things to see, new people to meet, new smells, new sensations, and lots of time to think about what I want and why.  

Right now... I dunno.  Life it routine, but it isn't what I want. I don't really want to spend the rest of my life talking to other people about moving their lives forward when I feel like mine is stalling. 

I know I don't need to be dramatic and take a year off... but I also know its a dream I have... and there isn't that much time left you know? I mean southeast asia is experiencing an oil crisis right now... but its gonna experience climate change more dramatically, and I already hate the heat. 

My parents are turning 70, in the next 10 years I'd presume I am needed. 

If my job doesn't let me meet anyone, and I am not interested in joining anything while doing my job... this job is gonna lead to death. SO part of me is like... fuck it, I am out. 

But a more reasonable thing would be to take a week or ten days or something. Go to Mexico City, or DC, or NYC. Go get renewed. 

It's funny when I think this way, because on one hand it feels like magical thinking -go run around the world and make something of yourself... and on the other hand it doesn't feel unaligned with some of those universalizing thoughts I had yesterday.  You're an ant, it doesn't matter. Dream bigger, even if you're tiny. 

It's hard to imagine coming back after a year to doing therapy. In fact, I wonder about posting up somewhere and doing therapy abroad, or running groups, or being a guru... you know?   Like if I am gonna spread my wings, I might as well spread them. Why come back to an office and an apartment here, when I could be leading therapy in Bali, or writing my book in Bangkok?   I am so sick of this stupid country anyway. 

Anyway... it seems funny that I suddenly want to go be a person of the world again. Fighting with my parent. Feeling stuck. An ex that has moved on... same old same old.  

Tonight I am either gonna do some reading or some tv watching.   its 6:15. I'm fed. The dishes are done. I did some Spanish. Might do some exercise in a bit. I have nothing to complain about -really... but there have been multiple times today that I was on the verge of tears, and not very nice to myself in my mind. blaghghhgh

domingo

 

At my brother's suggestion I went to the party a few hours early. Got to spend some time with the niece and nephew. It was fun. Left before anyone arrived.   (So I usually capitalize relationships even though it isn't technically proper... in these blogs I am trying not to use names so it feels weird to not have some formal way of saying this person...  but for today, I'll try to do it right I guess?)

I was a little anxious all morning, like I was doing something wrong, or sneaking around, or didn't know how to exist with people I care about. It felt funny how yesterday I saw two friends and didn't think anything of my being out in the world - and the day prior I was out to a movie by myself  ... but somehow I felt like I was gonna "screw up" being around my family. It had me thinking about social anxiety all day... like how I often have these weird feelings around groups of people, or people I haven't seen in a while, or new people. Not usually if I have a role, but certainly if I am meeting someone and there is any kind of pressure. I don't do normal pleasantries and small talk well, I can, I know the scripts, but it just doesn't feel natural... so I don't.  When I was out with a friend yesterday she casually slipped in that she sees herself as neurodiverse now... actually both of my friends did...  I think it's starting to feel like this is the term we use for anyone who doesn't quite fit in - but it loses a lot of its clinical value if we stretch it to mean all things for all people... you know?  My mom uses it that way too. E used to try to convince me occasionally that I was autistic... I still kind of hold to this idea that I have more of an OCD neurotype rather than an autistic one. And I am very sensitive to my environment and the people in it. Typically, that means that I am picking up on social cues, overly sensitive to them, rather than not understanding or not getting them, regardless of whether I follow them or not. Also, there does seem to be more autistic traits, more androgyny, more desire to be a self, and not be put upon. I watched a comedian making a joke that Chinese culture is autistic, I've heard that many times about Germans and Scandinavians (or more accurately Finnish people).  There are times I wonder if autistic traits are more typical than we are pretending... Maybe when we all lived in community it was just more accepted, but now we are looking for why it is so hard to be in community, and we are finding it easy to point fingers. Maybe our lack of community is causing more of the epigenetic markers to fire.  The birthrate is declining. People will start dying sooner. Civilization is falling apart.

Anyway... that wasn't really the thing I was thinking of to write about... I was thinking about how my social anxiety plays out in so many situations in which it seems absolutely unnecessary. How many times have I been in a room full of people I care about and felt too shy or anxious, too afraid that someone wasn't feeling welcome or fitting in (if I was in charge), too worried I'd say something odd or weird, or wouldn't quite fit it, or wouldn't be able to present myself well... I was thinking about this because one of those friends tried to set me up on a sort of "hey I met someone, can I introduce you?" and 99% of me was like... I meet people constantly... don't you think I meet people?  Its not meeting people that's the problem, its having the right way of meeting them in which I can enjoy their presence and they mine, and that is not on a sort of blind date. That's not ever how I have met anyone I liked.    But its weird to have that idea the same day I am wondering if I should get back on dating apps.  What kind of barriers do I put in my own way. 

Anyway... seeing the niece and nephew was fun. I started to get anxious that people would arrive and I'd have to explain myself so I dipped out after a couple hours. I went for a walk around the lake. It was kind of cold but it was fucking beautiful out. The trees are all budding, the weeping willows yellow against a blue sky. The lake was clear, but clearly growing life, the birds were out and kind of fierce. It was beautiful, but I hadn't eaten much lunch and I found myself drifting towards complaints rather than beauty and awe. At one point I asked myself... why are you so determined to be angry? and I couldn't answer... but I was. I guess I feel wronged, and I am not sure what to do with that feeling, and its turning me into an angry teenager rather than someone capable and adult like... So I was thinking of how my anxiety is showing up again with my family... and how for several years it had gone away because I was secure in myself. I had a relationship. I felt like my life was going somewhere. Now I am wondering if there is a future again... or whether I'll run away to latin america or south east asia... or take out a warehouse kind of thing.  

Whats the point of my life?   I wrote something like that down this morning before I left... what is my dharma here on this earth. I mean, maybe I am supposed to forgive and forget, let myself be taken advantage of, caretake others... That was the meaning I made early on, maybe it was the right path.  I am trying to renegotiate that idea... that my romantic relationships and family relationships aren't based on my taking care of other peoples needs. That I can ask to have mine met... that we can trade off, or take responsibility for our own together. But I don't really have a lot of examples in which I feel I've been successful at that.  But I dunno... I guess I just don't really know what I am supposed to be doing. 

I had another thought, based on a sermon someone was giving about earthday -that later fed into the thoughts I was having on the walk... what if Earth is not a rock, or a school, or a spaceship we ride on, but a being in herself. What if pachamama is a being. What if we are the bacteria on her skin, and we really are just acting like an infection, replacing plant life and other microbes with ourselves... were giving our mother diarrhea and so of course she will need to kill us off, just as we would take an antibiotic. What if none of it is personal. What if its as simple as a being trying to find the balance that fuels her without burning her out. What if all this egocentric thinking is just craziness.  I was thinking the same at the lake. Staring out at the drops of water that collect into such a mass, tiny ripples and in each you can see these universes... and there is always a slight sense of awe in the idea that maybe we are meaningless -as much as it may upset our western thinking.  Maybe my little drop of water of a life is utterly pointless in the grand scheme of things, maybe I don't need to prove myself, or prove to others, maybe I'll live, and dust away, life being none the wiser in the grand scope of the universe, my being has so little impact. Not that it doesn't I mean a virus can be deadly right? but just in the larger system, I accumulate, speak, and then dissipate.  So miniscule, so weightless...

I took a break to scroll on facebook and I think I found confirmation that E is dating someone. I've been thinking that since around February right? I should look it up.  I had a feeling of jealousy, warmth... not necessarily anger or anything, just that heat. I think this is what I wanted for her, so I hope it works out. I also found that my old coworkers memorial service was today. Turns out I am not in the know about things. My coworker was so young. 

I was having this weird curious feeling that something has happened to E's grandparents. I know they weren't doing well, and the last time I talked to her she said she was going out to see them -hence the snooping. 

Its funny it like stole away all the other thoughts I had.  Let me see if I can get back to that... something about how the flip side of our egotistical stories in which we are constantly searching for meaning and purpose and a desire to feel like we did something, can claim something, are profound in our own journeys... is that actually, is that we have the weight of a bacteria, or an ant, or a speck of dust, or a blade of grass, and add just as much, and subtract just as much... and this isn't to say we shouldn't be grateful or open or thankful, or strive or whatever... but just to say, it isn't that big of a deal right? 

It's not that big of a deal.

I hope E can find someone to have a baby with, I know she wants that. I hope its a good fit. 

I want the same for me. Despite all those egoless ideas I just wrote about... I want some of my dreams to come true too. A blade of grass can dream. 

Part2.

I walked away... but continued to process. There is a part of me that is really frustrated with my angst. That's what it feels like. I feel so obsessed with my own thinking, my own feelings and neediness. 

If E is dating someone, there is a part of me that feels free... but that part isn't speaking much right now, instead I feel alone. I've been thinking about how narcissistic it is that I keep people around, get my little chew and then head off. That has been part of the reason I haven't been reaching out or pursuing her, if she wants distance, and that is good for her... and then that is what I have to accept. But I've been missing her lately, and now I am gonna have to grieve just a bit more. Then find my own way I guess. 

But the angst isn't just her... its the stuff with my Dad... its the stuff with the world. 

As a friend and I were talking about yesterday, its such an endless heartbreak, anger making stew to see possibility in the world, to be creative or bright enough to know that there are solutions... and then to see people squander the opportunity. The wealthiest nation in the history of the world, and we can't even house, feed, and heal people without putting them into debt, trauma, slavery. We could have a better world, but we choose not to. 

I'm angsty because I feel entitled to the things that are possible, but if I am honest, I'm not reaching for them either. I am not sure I want to. I have a client who is 19 and determined to chase his dreams no matter the cost, but also wont mow the lawn... I am a 42 yr old man who is educated and wealthy, and has traveled the world and owns his own business and lives a decent life, and is too scared to go to a family gathering.  I mean...  what is anything? I need to stop taking myself so damn seriously... but that's hard when I am also simultaneously trying to establish boundaries. Its a real will he wont he kind of situation. 

I have like 25 sessions this week. It's gonna be a lot -especially when I am not really feeling that grounded. On Tuesday I have therapy. That part of why I am overthinking right now... I am talking to my therapist in my head... trying to get my story straight. WTF. 

Life is soooo weird. I was gonna say dumb, but the lake was so beautiful today. My niece and nephew are a lot of fun. 

You do it to yourself, you do, and thats what really hurts.

Friday night on the town...

 Not really. 

Where to start?

Last night I went to an open mic and it was really fun. I will definitely go back. In the middle of the night, I found myself practicing poems, which of these could be performed? which are better for a book?

Today the weather changed again. It was cold and rainy and will be (at least cold) all weekend. The last few nights it's been hard to sleep because my apartment is too warm, but I didn't want the air on. I felt like there were mosquitos flying around though never confirmed any. So I am not sure how much sleep I got last night, but I distinctly remember being up wayyyyy past my bed time. 

I only had three clients today. The first was easy. The second a little off-putting. The third hard but still good. 

At some point in the day my Step Mom asked me specifically whether I was coming to my Dad's birthday party in early May. Couple weeks away. It took me hours to steel my resolve. To say thank you for organizing this, I am not sure I can commit yet, I'll let you know if that changes. Yesterday's sunny weather and happy go lucky disposition had switched sometime in the night, and I woke up angry again, or at least averse. I am not sure what I am waiting for... there is an invitation to forgive and forget... but that doesn't heal anything. 

My parents are both turning 70 this year. There is some pressure to show up... 

Anyway... around 3 when I had finished my work day, and was listening to some youtube video about Allah prior to islam in the arab world, I realized I was getting sleepy and decided that I better send the text before it feels like its been draggin all day. 

I did. 

I fell asleep. I woke up to a thankyou.

I woke up several hours later after somewhat restless yet dream filled sleep. 

In one of my dreams I was attending a concert or performance. My client who had been somewhat difficult earlier in the day was sitting next to me. She seemed to be wanting it to be a date. At some point I had to set a boundary and she became angry. For the rest of the dream it felt like she was stalking me. The concert ended, and I snuck away to a movie theater (I was planning on seeing a movie tonight). I remember trying to fit in, and find a seat in which I had a view of others, but in which I could also hide. 

It was odd. 

When I woke up, I felt like I'd wasted the day. I did a quick spanish lesson and realized I had literally nothing important to do. I decided to go to the later movie (after missing the initially intended one). 

Went to Grandview Theater in St. Paul. Apparently so did everyone else because the theater was packed on this cold rainy day. Saw Project Hail Mary. It was good, but I wasn't like "oh my god the best movie ever."  The science fiction elements were interesting and also cute. There was humor and beauty and probably the most impactful thing was the element of friendship between a lonely human -who was both used to being rejected and also self rejecting -- and his alien friend. 

I left the theater quickly, seeing lots of beautiful faces, thinking about friends and lovers. I realized very quickly that I was lonely -walking back to my car, driving home alone in the dark. It made me recognize that part of my not going out much anymore is because I am sick of doing it alone.  Its so exciting to have experiences, and so lonely to have them by yourself. Why stay out late? Why venture... 

I got home and was folding laundry, singing the Johnny Cash version of "hurt" and thinking about E. Missing being loved, or as I recognized later, appreciated? Accepted?  believed in?   There were elements of our relationship -especially toward the end, that I didn't feel loved or appreciated. And I didn't necessarily feel those things back. But I miss having a companion none the less. 

Maybe I should get on dating apps? 

My friend said something funny about dating someone in their 20s... The idea of that is kind of shocking to me. I know she was dating people significantly older than her at that time... I am attracted to younger faces, but its so uncomfortable when you recognize the cultural and life experience gaps. I don't want to raise my partner. Lately... since I've been feeling like a teenager, I wonder if I am waiting for someone to raise me up. 

A friend I met in Guatemala once told me that, she said I needed to meet someone 5 years older than me, so I could practice being taken care of. 

Anyway. The two people who recommended or liked this movie were both single and somewhat lonely people. I asked one if she wanted to get coffee in the morning and haven't heard anything. 

I think I am back to a subtle level of depression. That feeling like if my life ended it wouldn't be that big of a deal. 

The client who was being somewhat difficult today brought up the idea of human sacrifice as an every day practice. How systems at all levels are generally very open to human sacrifice we just don't call it that anymore. It's a good point. 

I don't like that I live on my own and have my own business, and still feel entirely beholden to entities that I wouldn't choose... insurance companies, corporations, cult of death republicans...

Tomorrow. Dinner with a friend. Reading and writing?  Coffee? 

What AM I DOING!?!?!?!?!?!

Rebellion

I woke up crabby again today. Watched church, couldn't relate... kept looking for excuses to turn it off. Got groceries. Did Spanish. Paid taxes. My Dad had asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. It was the first thing I woke up to. I grumbled about it all day, but decided I needed the exercise. He didn't get back to me till about 3ish. I was checking off all the things on my list. 

I miss walking around the lake. I need to get over there more often. I considered starting to walk around the river. I need to figure out a path so that it is a circuit instead of up and down. It was so warm out that tons of people were walking. But my focus was entirely on the conversation. Recognizing even while we were walking that I was not aligned, present, etc. I was waiting... eventually we talked about the ongoing fight. He did the same old thing. I stood my ground, gave my reasons, got self righteous. Told him its funny that he continues to ask me to be the one to come back and make amends or work through it. 

I told him I was still too impacted by things that are ongoing - to keep the peace. 

I told him I guess I'll just be angry for a while... and that's how it will be. 

At some point he was trying to convince me that my step mom didn't mean it the way I heard it... but I don't believe that. I actually think my Dad isn't convinced either... he just wants to play happy family, and I watched his face as he tried to figure out how to make a point to get through to me, or to figure out a way to problem solve his wife... and it pains him that he can't figure out a solution that works for him... 

I said, its funny that you come to me...you could ask your wife to reach out... if you think that she wasn't conveying her perspective well, then you can have her write it out and I'll read it...but I am not convinced. 

He said, You want her to have empathy for your side... 

I basically said yeah... I want her to recognize that her side was afraid, and backing people to cause actual pain and suffering to my side...  if that's the terms we are using. 

I know I am the kind of person who hears what I want to hear... and I also know my Dad is. And I also know that he says things to keep the peace. He is one person when we are walking around the lake, and another when he is with her.  

Its funny though.  I have actual righteous anger again... yes, like a teenager full of angst...but not the sitting around feeling sorry for myself, disconnected, numbing out anger. I might get some of that later tonight. But in the meantime... 

I dunno what to do. I feel like I am being petty sometimes... but also, again, I don't like that I am being asked to make the peace. I don't like that for the next month I will be guilted about it. 

I don't always know what I care about or believe in... but this one feels personal and righteous, and if its not a big deal to them, then they can be the ones who apologize. 

Its been so hard to just take care of myself and be part of things lately. I am feeling burnt out. But today I followed through with all the tasks (except poetry). I don't know what is next, but I am feeling like I am at least holding my ground.