I woke up today not exactly feeling grand. I guess it wasn't a bad day. I had 5 clients and another one that cancelled. I had an old client reach out to begin therapy again. Briefly chatted with some neighbor coworkers? (Still haven't decided what to call them). Got all my paperwork done for the day.
I text my mom a bit on the way home, about feeling mixed and weird.
On some level, I feel like a bratty kid making a fuss over nothing. On another level, I feel like I am fighting to be heard. I keep thinking about how it was easier when I had a partner... easier to stand my ground. Easier to feel like my decisions were based on more than just my whims. Easier to say, I matter, when someone else thinks you do. I told my mom, I feel like the bad kid, and that I am being overdramatic, and needy, and selfish. But also that I don't even want to be in the room with my step mom right now. My mom, amongst other thoughts, mentioned that I needed a vacation.
I thought it was funny.
My response to finding out that E was likely dating someone, was to spend part of last night thinking about running away again. Why am I here? I don't feel like my life is heading anywhere... despite the whole business and apartment thing. I have the same old friends. I have the same old family dynamics. I am not tied down to anything. I could spend the next year getting my business settled and then decided to spend 6 months or a year in south east asia. I could go take some eat pray love classes in India. I could move to portugal with the rest of the americans.
I have dreams and goals, and I am not pursuing most of them at this time. My job is nice, but it isn't enough. I keep seeing myself growing old alone and not accomplishing the things I told myself I would. Write that book. 6/7 continents. Meet someone.
When I am traveling I am alone most of the time, but I also have new experiences every day, new things to see, new people to meet, new smells, new sensations, and lots of time to think about what I want and why.
Right now... I dunno. Life it routine, but it isn't what I want. I don't really want to spend the rest of my life talking to other people about moving their lives forward when I feel like mine is stalling.
I know I don't need to be dramatic and take a year off... but I also know its a dream I have... and there isn't that much time left you know? I mean southeast asia is experiencing an oil crisis right now... but its gonna experience climate change more dramatically, and I already hate the heat.
My parents are turning 70, in the next 10 years I'd presume I am needed.
If my job doesn't let me meet anyone, and I am not interested in joining anything while doing my job... this job is gonna lead to death. SO part of me is like... fuck it, I am out.
But a more reasonable thing would be to take a week or ten days or something. Go to Mexico City, or DC, or NYC. Go get renewed.
It's funny when I think this way, because on one hand it feels like magical thinking -go run around the world and make something of yourself... and on the other hand it doesn't feel unaligned with some of those universalizing thoughts I had yesterday. You're an ant, it doesn't matter. Dream bigger, even if you're tiny.
It's hard to imagine coming back after a year to doing therapy. In fact, I wonder about posting up somewhere and doing therapy abroad, or running groups, or being a guru... you know? Like if I am gonna spread my wings, I might as well spread them. Why come back to an office and an apartment here, when I could be leading therapy in Bali, or writing my book in Bangkok? I am so sick of this stupid country anyway.
Anyway... it seems funny that I suddenly want to go be a person of the world again. Fighting with my parent. Feeling stuck. An ex that has moved on... same old same old.
Tonight I am either gonna do some reading or some tv watching. its 6:15. I'm fed. The dishes are done. I did some Spanish. Might do some exercise in a bit. I have nothing to complain about -really... but there have been multiple times today that I was on the verge of tears, and not very nice to myself in my mind. blaghghhgh
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