I woke up earlier today feeling kind of anxious, but also optimistic. I felt like I was somehow free of some of the heaviness I have been feeling. I walked to work thinking that I would have to step into the next phase of my life, one in which I am an adult and my parents aren't on a pedestal, and that that is ok. They would just be other human beings, not people to look up to. More particularly, my dad and step mom would just be people whose opinions don't really matter to me -in some ways more akin to the self-righteousness I had 20 years ago. Maybe I've been compromising too much of myself, and really, I just need to think of these people as less than or something... I dunno even thinking about it fully makes me feel like I am not living into my values. It is kind of what my siblings described that they have had to do... look at our parents, and dismiss them. That feels dumb, but maybe I can't talk to my dad or step mom about the things I care about in the world, because they won't get it. Maybe doing so (for me) actually just opens me up to feeling vulnerable and hurt by them when they choose differently (read stupidly).
At work I sat with clients and had this weird removed quality... sitting back, observing... I mean I was in it with them, but I was also just so aware of how all our drama is just drama. Our egos, our hurts and angers, our desires, our want to be seen and known, our ability to delude ourselves, to fight for things, to make mistakes and douse ourselves in gasoline and light a match... just human junk. None of it all that meaningful, but because we have nothing else to fret over, so deeply meaningful.
I had a client that I relate to a lot. We were talking about what age he is when he is in the story he is telling himself... eg, did you develop this story as a child? at 20? From my freefloating place, I could tell that he didn't feel he had much agency when he told this story, he was being acted upon... even though logically he knew better. The story and the feeling were disempowering... they didn't lead to options or feeling capable... and I noticed myself chastising myself for being in this younger version of me so much lately. I don't have any power or choice, I feel young, mixed up, I feel incapable of holding myself together or standing my ground in a generous way... I am also angst and anger. ---but today, I was free for a while. I was in the clouds, and my drama didn't matter.
And I kind of liked being in my lofty somewhat egoless state... and then I also knew I was kind of deluding myself - but I felt more optimistic and hopeful about what I could do with my life -if I just laughed at all my drama instead of acting it out. This and that, and the other thing... meh, what's next, ok do it. (some spiritual bypassing obviously).
Then today the Supreme Court overturned part of the Voting Rights Act and an idiot went before Congress and I was just reminded again of the consequences... our world is going to shit because of these people. Fuck you. Fuck you for creating a future in which we don't have rights, health care, education, security, an environment or any fucking hope. Fuck you for ruining the American Dream. Fuck you for blaming us when you chose to do it. Fuck you for being stupid enough to fall for the conmen over and over even when it hurts you. Fuck you for your mistakes, which you won't take responsibility for and make your life and mine worse. Why should I be nice about it... you're hurting my business, my clients, my students, my health, everything I've worked for, you're undermining... why should I be nice to you?
Its like, you don't want to be the daycare for your grandkids? whose fault was that? You don't want to help pay their bills every month? Whose fault was that? You want it to be easier to relax, or travel or make a living... you voted against it, so fuck you.
And I can point out... well on an interpersonal level, you're really nice, welcoming, hospitable, gracious... and I have certainly benefitted on the one hand... and on the other I've had to sacrifice more, work harder, give to more people and organizations, fight fight fight against the people you empower, don't question, etc. And even when you're upset by their lack of integrity, you fall into "bothsides..." cynicism that makes nothing better, selfish pity party, still no personal responsibility from you -and then you blame us for it? For fighting back? For saying enough is enough? fuck you.
It makes me angry that you give with one hand and don't recognize you're pulling the rug out from beneath us... you only want credit for offering a hand up. That's fucked up.
What do I even want?
I mean... I don't want to cut off my family. I don't want to not show up to parties and family gatherings... I also don't want to roll my eyes or start a fight when something stupid is said. My step-sister basically said she already sees it getting a lot worse... and said she has to bite her tongue, or roll her eyes, or ignore, or walk away... and it's like ---yeah but the defunded the nursing home so that won't even be an option.
(I am making it seem like they say anything out loud... they don't. They aren't even concrete in their arguments anymore. They make a snide comment. They're actually more cynical than righteous in their political views. It's just that they don't even acknowledge they were wrong.)
I don't like ignoring people, leaving people out, not hearing them out... I feel like there should be room at the table for different points of view... but when people are sharing points of view that hurt others -it sucks.
Unconditional positive regard... Seeing the best in people... loving people for their potential rather than accepting who they are... These are tools...but they are also traps for me.
Sometimes I think about how in one of our first deeper convos M told me she was broken, and probably shouldn't ever get married again. I dismissed it, said it was kind of a silly idea, and that of course she would... I met her, how I would meet anyone (let alone anyone I had a crush on)... but maybe I should have asked more questions about why she was responsible for her failed relationships instead of dismissing these statements. With E, I often wanted to project the ability of her to succeed in things she felt a lack of competence for... tried to help her... but maybe I should have just believed her. Yeah, you won't figure that out, and I'm not sure I can carry the weight for you.
This morning or yesterday I was thinking about how both of these women lied to me regularly, not necessarily consciously... but they did. If I had trusted my gut that noticed all the red flags, I wouldn't have gotten into it so deep... but I breezed right by that shit.
As a teacher and a therapist, I was required to believe that people could grow, succeed, overcome barriers and challenges... I do believe that. But most wont... it requires effort, and support, and being honest, and taking responsibility, and being courageous enough to sacrifice or face the music of what we have done... I'm not that brave am I? Why do I expect others to be?
I complained to my step sister, no one taught me how to do this... instead, they taught me to shift the blame down the ladder... making others responsible for my actions.
YUCKY
Isn't that exactly what the country is doing?
If I go back to my cloud its like ...yeah dude... thats one of the dramas we play out... it is, has been, will be... Is your resistance? self flagellating ? walking away from relationships gonna help?
I dunno... I just know my Dad's birthday is coming up... and I am struggling to be on board. Or make a card, or whatever the fuck we are doing.
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