Just finished season 2 of Shrinking.
I decided this season was all about rupture and repair.
Things turned out ok.
I cried a lot toward the end of the season.
BCBS owes me like 5800$ and they were sending it to the wrong place. I am not sure if its sorted yet, cuz I couldn't get through one of the webpages. They said 45 days then they will reissue the checks. Makes a lot more sense why I felt I wasn't making enough money. I mean... throw another 6k at it, and I am fine. I owe more in taxes though. Maybe next quarter I will pay double.
The show makes me cry so hard for moments. It's like deep grief and heart break, release, then relief.
I am wishing I could have some relief from the fight with my Dad and Step Mom... wondering how necessary it is to stay angry. Part of me wants to write out a list of all the ways my Dad has been loving toward me, and I guess... at least acknowledge that. Maybe they don't have to balance scales... maybe its not about scales... just that I am deeply hurt by this life long stuff... and also I love my Dad. Both things are true... its not as picture perfect as a tv show though.
There is a deep part of me still grieving having a companion. I am noticing that a lot lately. Maybe it means I should be dating. Craving intimacy and belonging.
Sometimes I wonder if I have become too antisocial... like I save all my goodness for work, and I have nothing left for anyone else... but really its just like -when you don't do stuff, you don't do stuff. Its not some big existential thing. If you're not part of something, you aren't part of something.
Pretty simple really.
I think I am just delaying going to bed.
Only 3 clients tomorrow. Maybe I'll write my list or whatever.
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