What I woke up thinking

 I want to run away again. I don’t want to keep toiling through a life that isn’t even that great. Why stay? Why play out this role?  Who does it help for me to be this way? What if I were just free?  I want to be like the way I thought I could be when I went to Europe the first time. Just a chill guy going from place to place… that is not at all what happened of course. I got even more anxious and rigid about things. Lost weight, had panic attacks, felt insane talking to myself all day every day. Scribble scribble scribble. My friend showed me the postcards I gave her at that time, we remarked at my tiny handwriting, I saw the familiar signs of feeling I had been too much and that I was appreciative -re: unworthy of her friendship.  I haven’t felt this crazy in so many years but even though it was interesting to see it also reminded me of how it actually felt. 

But I want to run away again. I don’t want live with this constant worry that I am doing something wrong all the time. I don’t want to feel like I’m not enough. I want to join a cult, I don’t want all these responsibilities to myself and strangers. 

And then again, would I ever go work for a clinic again? No. Would I want to work for a school or university where they didn’t allow us to push back or address the changes that actually needed to happen? No. Would I want to become an organizer and feel righteous but exhausted… no. Would I want to join an organized religion in which I had to maintain the status quo, while preaching for change? No.   So what am I really saying? I want a vacation? 

I should plan my trip to Mexico for next year?

At the same time, I feel like I’m not really being truthful in my life. We are in this wild period of transformation and no one is talking about it, or dreaming the new thing into being… no one around me anyway. I’ve walked away from the things that connected me. I hear people’s secrets now… and keep them secret. 

Everything feels unnatural. What are we even doing?

There is this therapist online I’ve been following who is saying it, a little bit like every man, as if he is the one who figured it out, but he is also being truthful… about what needs to change.  

I’ve lost hope. I’ve lost goals. 

This morning I was thinking how nice it was those weekends where I was checking out 5-6 open houses, as if there was something to look forward to. I was excited, I was daydreaming I was exploring and going places. I had a goal even if it wasn’t truly my goal- glad people eventually called me out on that. 

I haven’t really had a goal except to keep up. Keep up with work. Keep up with bills and maintaining an apartment. Where is my life headed?  

Inner child work and trauma work… work work… bullshit. I go to protests not because I feel they work, but because I want to at least acknowledge that something needs to shift.  But me???? Am I able to shift my life my direction my goals?  For awhile I was exercising and playing guitar, for a while writing… now I’m just scrolling all the time.  

Im waiting for something to inspire me into the next thing. But maybe I just need to say duck it, I’m going to India or Cambodia or something. 

I dunno how I feel

 On the one hand, I’m trying to stay focused. I’ve got shit to do this week. I’m an adult, I needed to make dinner and do the dishes and take out the garbage.

On the other hand, I tried to explain to my dad that there has been this inner world I’ve been having that he wasn’t aware of -that I didn’t feel safe sharing with him because he wasnt attuned to it. Because I didn’t trust him because of things he had done and things that had happened. And while I was sharing these things I experienced all the feelings and thoughts that I have hidden from him and chose not to contain it. 

I told him I wanted to throw up. I told him I was dissociating. I told him I was afraid of people. I told him I needed space because I couldn’t settle. I told him the thoughts went from “I made a mistake” to “I’m a horrible person, unforgivable, unable to have a relationship, ruined all my chances” and that that occurs in seconds and if I don’t do anything it can last for days. I told him it used to result in a belief that I was going to hell.  

I told him I have ocd, and maybe some trauma too. 

I told him I didn’t know if I was sexually abused, I still don’t know, I just know that I feel unsafe sometimes. He confirmed that I had been physically abused and that I was bullied. 

I told him he triggered these experiences I have that are distressing and make me feel like I’m a kid again -and that in the last year I’ve felt more and more crazy every time it happens because I thought I was doing better, had forgiven myself and him, and now I feel like a kid and I’m scared and don’t know what to do. 

I told him that I’ve seen and experienced things that he hasn’t and that it makes it hard because I don’t know what he is aware of… and so it’s hard to understand why he isn’t getting it. (Eg torture cells and concentration camps and what ethnic cleansing looks like as it develops). As well as the conditions people are fleeing when they come the US for asylum. 

And when it was over - And I went home feeling like I had been way too vulnerable… because I didn’t want to fall into replaying the convo 5 millions times I distracted myself and did some work. And cried a bunch anyway. And I don’t want to go into the spirals because that makes it worse. But I also don’t want to dwell on my own vulnerability, or my hurt or my anger… but he confirmed things that felt very congruent with how I’d been feeling… confirmed that he sees these things as differences of opinion even though I experienced them as harmful. Confirmed that he didn’t “know” about how immigrants were being treated even though I told him. And that he only recently considered it cuz he watch a program a week ago from Chris cuomo who said it. Confirmed that he never really figured out why thousands of masked armed militia were sent to terrorize us. Even though I asked him months ago to figure it out when I left shaking in fight or flight from his home. He didn’t look it up, and hadn’t really considered it. 

And now I’m worried I’ll be spiraling again because it’s bed time and that’s when it gets the loudest. 

glug

 

It is Saturday, October 10, 2026. I am at the Loon Coffee shop over on lake. Its about 12:40ish. Went for a walk, and it zapped the life from me. I spent the first part of the walk thinking about the cycles of life, of culture, of nature, of transformation. I spent the next part thinking about how best to serve a client, and what advocacy means.

I spent the last 20 minutes on social media. Not sure what I am thinking or how I want to approach things. The woman in front of me looks nothing like A, but her haircut reminds me exactly of the time she cut it real short, the slight flair out.

My little brother texted our brothers chat that a stock he bought 5 years ago was taking off due to a medical trial being successful. The drug is a version of LSD meant to be used in a therapeutic context for GAD, MDD and PTSD. It looks very promising.

I am not sure how to spend my day. I had hoped to write the great novel or revise some poetry. I have work to do too, a letter and a DA. I have some reading to do. Maybe see a movie?  Its like 80 degrees out in October.

I had energy work yesterday. I need to practice, and do some breathing. I’ve got Spanish. I’ve got to get groceries and do 5-6 dishes. I saw a friend yesterday for an hour. It was nice to see her space even though she lives so far away.

The fear part of me is saying I am not enough, not doing enough, might let something slip or take the wrong step and ruin everything. It says I have cancer and its spreading. It says there is mold in my bathroom and I can’t clean it because its too powerful, and that means it is in me too.

Yesterday’s energy work and this morning’s tarot reminded me that by expanding and living into my values and beliefs about the universe, I am more protected and more alive. Whereas when I shrink or defend, I am more acutely aware of the loss, the fear, the lack, the imposition -reinforcing the wound. I am trying to be open to things, to the positives the universe has to offer. Yesterday everything felt aligned. Today I feel jittery and off again, and its probably the coffee or the lack of structure, or the dozens of people I’ve been thinking about today. Some uncertainty, causes me to lose myself, rather than notice and let go. My shoulders are raised.

Dad says lets talk, maybe tomorrow evening? There is a vigil tonight, a protest in the parking lot at target to tell them to stop supporting ICE. The secretary of defense wants to broadcast an execution. Healthy people are standing up against it. People are voting in record numbers. There will be a backlash a correction, but so much suffering in the meantime. And what do I want to do?

On Tuesday supposed to crash the student teacher conference to visit an old coworker friend. Just an excuse to see her new work site during a public time.

Kind of feel like I am not gonna accomplish anything here. Maybe its time to read, or go get lunch.

****

Went to get groceries after writing that, realized I was feeling somewhat sick -felt like I had overexerted myself in the heat and was gonna pass out or something. After making lunch I got into bed and laid there for a few hours -slowly getting a headache. Eventually took a nap and woke up at 8pm. Felt anxious like I had wasted the day, like I was behind, like I was a failure. Made dinner and did the dishes. Its close to 10 pm now. I keep getting weird spikes of headpain, but I am feeling better after eating. 

I made a little list of things I wanted to accomplish this weekend and decided it seemed mostly reasonable to do tomorrow. I think this letter for my client is making me nervous. I guess I don't trust that he won't misuse it or something, and I am worried I will get dragged into drama. I need to be clear about my boundaries and my mission. 

Tomorrow massage at 11 am, hopefully I'll feel better by then. Some Spanish. Some reading. Maybe a walk or a talk with my dad. That one is also bringing up some nervousness I suppose.

Its not all that much really. Its just that I only have myself to rely on and I don't get a lot of reassurance for all the thoughts in my head. I think I need to do some meditating and maybe some more reading tonight. It's funny how easily swayed I am. 

The energy healer lady said "your ancestral line is kind of wavy, faint in some spots" I agree. I feel it, I am not rooted.

I keep watching stuff about OCD and ASD too, and I shake my head at how much I relate to certain things. I don't think I have autism, but I relate to a lot of it. Sensory issues, anxiety about being misunderstood etc. I've always said, its not that I don't get social cues, I get them too strongly. I am too aware of each little gesture, tone shift, etc. I guess its a thing for sensitive kiddos.  I was listening to a lot of the folks talk about PANDAS and POTS and EDS and all the overlapping conditions folks experience these days. I think I have an OCD neurotype, I think I am an empath/sensitive person, I think I have some childhood trauma stuff that I am still sorting out -more along the lines of unintentional emotional neglect, not abuse. 

But it is all in the past... what do I choose to experience now? What am I building? 

I dunno.  My old coworker is determined to start a craft school thing and rewild a golf course. I don't have any ambitions or goals anymore. Maybe its hard to move forward because my stuff feels so mundane... rebuild a social network, make new friends, maintain some level of balance between fun and work.  

That's the other thing that bums me out about this weekend. I wanted to do something creative, wanted to write my novel, wanted to edit and write poetry... none of that happened. My mind was distracted, headachy, I couldn't sit still and when I could I just wanted to moan and groan and fall asleep. 

I know a week or two ago I was lamenting the same... wanted to do a deep dive on my goals and dreams, wanted to create something beautiful... I am addicted to my phone. I balk when people text me. I want to go away for a year, but I am paying my bills and taxes to a government I detest. 

Gonna go do some reading and fall back to sleep. It wasn't a bad day, it just wasn't what I'd hoped it would be. I've maintained. 

open mic

Tonight someone at the open mic read a poem about bulimia and trying to get better, and relapsing, and having to start over again. It was a really good poem, and also really tough content. I started crying. At the break, I wrote her a note saying thank you for being brave. I didn't say why. I didn't say why I was crying. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say, and if she asked, I didn't know if I'd be able to say anything without crying again. 

Because a writer friend of mine, lost her words and energy to the disorder... because when she was ready to start over, she had run out of time. Cuz some folks don't get better. 

I practiced words, then realized I didn't know what I wanted to say... thought about writing another poem, started crying again. Wondered why I was alive to share this story that is not mine when my friend is not. It isn't fair. I don't know what to say... I am too exhausted to write. Just felt like I needed to record this moment. 

It was mostly a good day. 5 clients, lots of youth. 

Tomorrow 3 clients and energy work, maybe stop at the bank on the way. 

I dunno...  Yesterday was tough cuz i had therapy at 8 am... then a full day. It was a good day... just long.

Saturday maybe talk to my Dad.

Sunday a massage and maybe buy some books for the Morris folks book club. 

Weird dream

 I just woke up to a kind of disturbing dream. 

Someone I love had announced that they were pregnant, but kind of slipped it in under their breath, so when I asked again they seemed to be doing that cute thing where you don’t fully share but add more, only each time I asked for clarification I heard more about their relationship and it felt disturbing rather than optimistic, like they had been manipulated into a relationship, rather than choosing it. And now they were pregnant, and the cute under the breath thing had become more like a “I’m having mixed feelings and don’t know what to do because I want this and I don’t want this…” or “I am embarrassed and don’t know how to ask for help but I’ve gotten in too deep.” Kind of thing. And that’s when I woke up, not able to confirm, not able to know, not able to reassure or help... and kind of mad at this person for being in this situation that I can’t do anything about.  I remember feeling this way in a few past situations… they made their choice, presumably it was the right one for them. But I was left feeling mixed emotions and helpless. 

Last night all these Hindu quotes and things were on my algorithm, one was about swadharma the idea of following your individual path, not being responsible for being good or right, but for following your path. 

Another was about nimitta matram about being an instrument in the larger orchestra of the universe but not being responsible for the song, only your part - as if to say you aren’t the conductor, maybe you don’t even like your role, but play it and trust that the universe is doing what it should.  

I gotta get up and go to work… why does something that should be positive feel so ominous? 

Ritual

 Reading a book about how essential ritual is to work through grief and other emotional/spiritual processes. I have a weird relationship with ritual. There are times like At May Day or bare bones when I love it. There are times when I have felt like I am trespassing, or outside the circle even when invited. I don’t really know how to get over my stuff, but there is a deep longing for something sacred to break through, and invite me into being witnessed, in being part of something. 

My roles have always been a reason to stay separate. I get annoyed talking about myself like this, but it feels real. I don’t feel like I belong, and never really have. So it’s hard…. I have a desire to create, lead, be part of something communal and sacred but I don’t know how to relate. I distance myself. I dunno…

Maybe I need drugs. 

Sickness

 

I am sick. It started Thursday and seems to come and go. I am on the quil. I just got back from a walk, for a few blocks I felt great, and by the time I got home I was ready for a nap. Maybe after this. 

It is a Saturday. No one has reached out. I don't have any major plans -though I had a desire to go to a protest at 3 downtown Minneapolis. Don't think I'll make it. In some ways this was the best weekend to get sick since I didn't have anything. 

I am reading a book called The Wild Edge of Sorrow about grief. Its one of those books that you pick up, read some, and put down for a few days. I keep having a desire to read it, but when it is time I choose my phone and distraction instead. 

The reason I want to read it is really clear. Its speaking to my soul and my heart. At times my mind wanders when reading it, wanders to work and clients, wanders to old relationships, wanders to distraction... but my heart and my soul want this level of richness. 

In the premise of the book is basically that grief is a huge part of the soul/human journey and that we in our culture have basically pushed it away -and thereby banished whole parts of ourselves. It is a trauma in itself that we don't acknowledge grief very well. The author then breaks down the types of grief we experience (5 gates) and their entry way leads to a vast sorrow -that is natural and necessary to process in order to live more fully. He breaks it down as: 

1) Everything we love, we lose (grief of loss)

2) The places that have not known love (grief of exiled or shamed parts)

3) The sorrows of the world (societal and climate loss)

4) What we expected and did not receive (unmet needs / including those that should be natural to society)

5) Ancestral Grief (intergenerational trauma/grief).

The gates of 2,4,5 really struck me. I know 1 and 3 also hit me, but I think I am more frequently able to acknowledge and name these kinds of losses. When I watch the news, 3 hits me every time. When I think of the past, 1 hits me.... but naming shame as grief, naming unmet needs as grief... naming generational patterns and the impacts of generational trauma as grief is really helpful. 

Grief means there is a mix of emotions, rather than just trauma (fear and avoidance), grief says step into this... trauma says run.  

I am probably not able to do this right now... but just the idea of saying who would you be if you let shame go? If you acknowledged that your guilt/shame is actually a transmission from the past and you can honor it by healing, rather than feeling exiled?  That your loneliness and sorrow are not a personal defect, but rather the impacts of a society that has lost its way... and really mean these things. 

I am probably not in the headspace to be able to fully do that thinking/feeling right now. But I think this might be my next step. I think I need to imagine, to let go, to stop holding on to anchors that don't serve me. 

I was walking to subway and saw someone who had M's stature, and thought... man it would be really good to let go of my shame, guilt, hurt. To just say sorry and move forward without worrying.

Of course, the author of this book, who invites us into a new recognition and ritual, has also been accused of misusing his power...  There is a place of mistrust and anger and hurt and desire to exile...

Maybe I'll add to all of this when I wake up from my nap.

Rainy saturday

 I woke up late this morning, or rather I’d felt like sleeping in. When I woke up at 7 something the sky was blue and pink, but when I woke up later it was gray and rainy. 

Late mornings equal headaches and difficulty focusing. So I was determined to get some caffeine and get out of the apartment. 

By about 12:30 I’d done a few chores and decided I could get lunch and then get coffee and read and digest things. 

The chipotle was really unclean. The workers sat around rather than cleaning when they had a break. The coffee shop had new art in the walls that I wanted to spend time with, but it was packed and talkative. I started a new book on grief- and struggled to concentrate. I ate half a monkey bread - not great for my stomach but…

Prior to going to the coffee shop I’d felt really lonely, after I didn’t want to deal with people. I was only there for 30-40 minutes and had to get up and go. It may also have been the cold rain on my clothes and not enough layers. Or the headache. Or the fact that I feel like I need to read some texts from my dad but don’t want to, because I’m irritable already. 

On the way home I considered getting groceries just to have something productive to claim for the day before I give up. I decided not to. Maybe I’ll go out later and get some, but for now I’m in warm pjs and ready to take a nap. I’ll probably keep reading the book and it will knock me out. 

I feel lonely today even though I don’t want to be with people. I want to be with a person. 

Last night I drove to Hudson and my step grandparents bought me dinner, we played two different card games and they drove me around the town. It was actually really nice. I’d been nervous about it all week, and could easily see myself going back multiple times now. 

I’m an old person I guess. Perkins and card games. My idea of a good time.