mental health

I've been feeling kind of stuck lately. Overwhelmed by my future... and overdwelling on my present.  Lists of things that need to be done... or else... nothing. Nothing is wrong. But I keep feeling like a failure, like I can't get ahead. 

I had therapy today and I shared that I feel like there is this tension in which I feel like I need a big change (and maybe one is coming) vs I am spending my days keeping up, doing my to do list, chipping away at little tasks, slow improvements... and trying not to judge myself because inevitably I often feel like I am falling behind or not doing enough.  When I look at those thoughts more objectively, I noticed that there is no real impact of falling behind or not completing my list... because I was the one who made the list and nothing is wrong. 

I gave the example of last night when I went to bed early, but didn't feel like I had accomplished everything. Woke up in the middle of the night, still didn't feel accomplished. Felt kind of sleepy and behind in the morning... but nothing was wrong, I just felt dissatisfied. 

I also gave the example of walking by the river last week and feeling like "if something doesn't change..." 

My therapist asked me what I hoped would change... I said relationships, family, direction, a feeling that I was working towards something not just keeping up. 

I shared about my experience at PRIDE, feeling grateful and in awe of the crowd, but also so averse to socializing. I shared how I was connecting with folks, but that I felt scared, awkward, etc... not trusting when it came to investing in groups or people.  And at the same time so lonely, and needy.

My therapist kind of asked me like... is this because of E?   Like is this just the continuation of the grief, having invested so much and assuming that was the future you were building, and then it not working out.  I think that is the story of all my relationships, but I agreed... its been harder since. 

But maybe it was already getting harder... why didn't I reconnect with my college friends after south america?  Why don't I go check out this monthly brunch SLP folks do?  Why don't I feel like I can connect, or sit with discomfort, or do anything without playing a role?

As we were chatting, I started to feel younger and younger.  There was some element of my fighting with my Dad right now. There were elements of grief with E. There was this overarching anxiety about not fitting in. I felt like I was 5 showing up to kindergarten or maybe younger showing up to preschool. Felt like little Mike is afraid that no one cares, no one will notice him, no one wants him unless he can do something for them, and it's so painful. It's painful internally. It's painful to watch others. (I gave examples of the social groups I saw forming at PRIDE, and feeling so averse to the awkward/cringe). 

But also from that place where little Mike is... the external doesn't feel dependable or safe. It feels like I have to compete. It feels like no one understands or cares. And like I can't trust that anyone will lead me through it. I have to perform, have to keep up, have to or its sooooo uncomfortable. 

And adult Mike is sick of performing... burnt out. Exhausted. I do it for work, that's a role. I don't really want to perform when I am out in the world...  but I don't know how not to. I feel like I am always so anxious. 

 

Part of what changed significantly after E and I broke up, is that I started to feel less legitimate again in the world.... no kids... no family... no partner.  Like a little kid again  or worse, like a threat to people. Single unhappy guy... that's not good. 

Anyway... as I was in therapy I was noticing these younger parts, this fear, etc... and I got really self conscious, and this teenager part of me arrived to call me out and judge me... I noticed it most strongly in this fear of being judged by my therapist... is she gonna think less of me?  Is she gonna think I am a bad therapist?  Am I a bad therapist?  What if I am doing it all wrong, and hurting people?   What if I am a hypocrite?   It felt like Holden Caulfield stuff, "you fake, you phony." 

It was hard to just sit with these parts... with the younger part that feels afraid that I am unlovable, not good enough.  And this older part that wants to judge (which I understand is protective)... I found myself wanting to intellectualize rather than just sit with or attend to these parts. Found myself wanting to give the play by play of what was happening internally, to fly above it and conduct. To regain the sense of control... of "I know what's going on, even if my eyes are watering."    And it was difficult because all of that is happening in front of someone. Someone I shouldn't be trying to impress but of course I am... 

That intellectualizing part was soooo hard to not let take over.  It made me kind of recognize that my 'adult self' might just be more of an intellectualizer that performs well.  My therapist noted that when I was younger I was contributing and taking on the anxiety/responsibility of my parents... and I noted I  still am... 

There are times when I feel like I am doing everything wrong...but getting praised for it. 

An example that has been uplifted lately is this idea of starting my own business. It's true, I started a practice this year. It's been successful so far, pays the bills. Slowly I am growing in my ability to take responsibility for it, to make decisions etc.  But it doesn't feel like something I am proud of... it feels like a continuation of this role that isn't really me, but is me trying to show everyone else I am capable. It kind of feels like I have conned everyone into believing I am good, when underneath, I am needy, confused... scared all the time, feel like I am treading water just fine... but not sure which direction in the ocean I am supposed to be going. Lost at sea you know?

There are plenty of times when I am not even sure I want to be a therapist. I love it... but I also feel like I am doing it to feel special/capable... and I am sick of the performance. Who am I outside of these roles? am I even a real person? 

At the end of the session, my intellectual side had to give feedback to my therapist "thank you for doing X in this session, that was helpful."   It had to summarize the take aways  "1) practice sitting with the discomfort, not jumping into a role, like with the high school brunch group... just allow my nervous system to realign. 2)Attend to little mike, his fears etc. Sit with, rather than avoid these feelings. 3) Notice this teen part that likes to judge, acknowledge it is trying to keep me safe. Ask what it is trying to keep me safe from? Go to the vulnerable stuff underneath..."   Had to summarize it so that I looked like a good student, who understands everything. Who is capable of crying and being vulnerable, and being fully present and aware at the same time. 

But I did feel more capable. 

I made lunch, did some paperwork, caught up with some insurance stuff. Felt like I had cleared my list as I walked to my office for the last 2 sessions of the day. There was hope and optimism, there was clarity in my goals for myself... a promise to take care of myself.  

And also some part of me wondering if now would be a good time to start medications... "hey, you have to sit with discomfort."  (Do I?) 

I had two sessions... they were mostly fine. Immediately after the sessions I felt anxious again. I had two new notes to do. I had not checked things off. I walked home reminding myself I had plenty of time tomorrow. It will only take 10 minutes tomorrow. That I had set it up so I would have time to journal and read tonight. That my only tasks were to make dinner, to read a little, to journal and to avoid being on my phone all night.

I was kind of shocked by how quick the anxiety set in again. It felt like OCD style anxiety, like I couldn't unlock being present because I had things hanging over me. I knew what I wanted to focus on, and I knew that I was capable of doing what I needed (I had felt free and capable just a few hours before)... but now I was screaming internally with anxiety again. 

I wanted to spend time with little Mike. Sit with all these unprocessed feelings.  But I felt like I was behind again. I felt anxious till I ate dinner an hour later. Then felt so full that I ended up taking a nap when I sat down to read around 7.   I woke up to the sun setting. 

There is an element of this that feels like when I am traveling alone. A list of things. Can't forget anything. Times and places, prices, options, decisions. Safety is on the line. Everything you need is on your person. Recognizing and being in control of everything because nothing is promised and you are on your own. 

Reinforced when I have traveled with other people and assumed they knew the way, and then you are lost and they are crabby and worried, and it would have been better if you'd paid attention and not trusted others. Now you have to manage their feelings, and your own. Now you have to get yourself out of a situation that you didn't know you needed to prepare for. Now you have to take charge.

So hyperindependent even when I am with others... have to take charge, have to be in the know, have to have control. Can't trust...

My last client of the day (this might have actually been where my anxiety started), had mentioned that his wife was coming off medications and really activated and that it was hard. She was reducing medication so that they could start a family, it wasn't going well.  (Sounds familiar eh?)

He also mentioned that his wife, when super anxious, asks him "So whats the plan?" which was a question that E used to feel triggered by. He mentioned that when she asks, it feels like he has to be in charge and fix things that he didn't know he was responsible for -like he was being judged AND depended on, and hes already feeling stretched thin.   I asked, would it be different if she asked you "whats the next step?"  And he said yes.    

 As I was walking home, full of my anxiety that I had to talk myself down from... I was also thinking about how controlling and judgy I am in relationships. How I can't accept what is, or  appreciate the person in front of me... how my desire to have a list and know everything, and have everything feel ok, causes the other person to not feel ok.  I walked home thinking Yes, there were things that E wasn't taking responsibility for... but I didn't make it any easier with all my controlling needs.

I dunno. I guess I just felt really sad for her, for me, for us. 

Maybe it doesn't help that the therapist brought up the miscarriage and my client was preparing/struggling in a similar situation...

-As I am writing this... feelings are coming up. Part of me wants to intellectualize them. 

I am really sad for myself when I write about wanting to travel with others, but feeling I have to take responsibility and can't be present, and can't trust. Maybe use the small emotion words.

I am really sad for myself with E, and the belief that I had something that was going to last, was preparing for it, but didn't feel supported/didn't feel soothed or secure enough... and so got even more controlling... made her feel like not enough. 

And also just sad, that we couldn't make it work. That I can't seem to make it work with anyone. 

And I am mad too. 

Mad that I feel so alone, and feel like it's my fault, but also feel like people who cared about me failed in doing their part. Mad that I know what I need to do differently, but don't feel capable of doing it... because I am exhausted from keeping myself and others up. Because I won't be soothed or affirmed in doing it... because there is a mismatch between what others see and what I experience, and I don't know how to communicate what is on the inside. 

I am scared that I won't change. That I will continue to feel like this. That I won't be able to make the changes, or ever feel secure. That I wont be able to share vulnerably and be heard, or understood. That it will reinforce the feelings of being not worthy, of being judged, or of feeling discarded.

I am kind of disgusted with these feelings, these fears, this vulnerability. Like... it makes me so weak. Makes me so pitiful, needy. gross. Its hard not to judge. Its easy to see why others would judge it. 

Shame again... 

These emotions/thoughts are temporary visitors... they can't harm me. They are here to offer information, they don't inherently mean anything about me... just recognition of unmet needs, that I can offer myself, and also ask for...  They wont last forever. 

I hope. 

End of June

 

Not sure if I'll leave the apartment today. Maybe go downstairs and do some work or writing. 

Not feeling particularly creative. Last night I was struggling because I was bored but didn't want to start a new tv series, or watch a movie, or read a new book. So I went to bed early and then woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep right away. 

So I woke up like midday today feeling like I'd already given up today.

Its now about 2pm. Cut up some watermelon and put some ribs in the oven... Maybe have dinner with a friend tonight. Its supposed to be in the 90s this week. 

Yesterday was interesting. I went to PRIDE at Powderhorn instead or loring. Lots of young folks, lots of gender fluid/trans folks. It was a beautiful celebration without all the corporations and 'legitimacy' of the establishment. I sat by myself for over an hour just staring at the crowd and grooving to music. I didn't need to buy anything from the small vendors, didn't want to interact with the non-profits. Saw a bunch of people I knew and didn't say hi. Didn't wave them over. 

Eventually met up with a friend who was meeting other friends there. I hung out in their group for an hour or so, but didn't particularly feel like getting to know them better. I felt a-social? while also being happy to be around people. Something odd about my introversion... I guess its getting so much more intense. Maybe it was because I wasn't necessarily attracted to any of them?   There were a few interesting folks who might have had similar interests or professions... but I also felt like people have become less intriguing to me. Something about having such intense understanding of folks due to therapy... maybe the recognition that I probably wouldn't connect with any of these folks again... it felt almost like meeting people at a hostel now. Like "Hi, oh yeah... not interested."  What is wrong with me? Why is it I can sit and pray and send good vibes to folks for over an hour... but have no desire to meet with them... And how is any of this gonna change?

I was contrasting this experience a little bit with getting to know folks in my office... there, its not like I want to become best friends with all of them, but I am more interested. Maybe the promise of seeing them again? or the perks of networking?  I look forward to interactions with a few of them. But I can't just have therapist friends, can I?

What do you do when you love and admire humanity, but don't really like people anymore?

I weigh this with the consideration of how I am not in any groups right now, and I know something is missing from my life... or maybe multiple things. Partnership, family, group community. 

You'd think being around a bunch of folks at PRIDE would give me a sense of connection, but really I felt old, not particularly included, not particularly invested in the things that THEY were doing. 

Maybe I am waiting for some extravert to pluck me up. Maybe I need a hit of some MDMA... as was suggested recently. 

I just found it interesting. I think I am definitely at the place where I want a partner to enjoy life with, but don't necessarily feel all that invested in group dynamics. It actually made me really uncomfortable to be around some of the groups I saw.  I saw at least two groups (other than the friends, of friends of friend).  One was clearly like a group that had formed on the internet and were meeting in person for the first time and were doing an activity together (scavenger hunt?). Another was a group that had at least 2 polycules, and the vying for position and attention made me really uncomfortable. Perhaps it was also just the recognition of sooooo much awkward neurodiversity energy. Like all the folks who were left out came together  (and I love that)... would want that for some folks I care about...  but I have no desire to be vying for position or attention. 

That was another element I noticed. I don't dress up anymore. I don't wear a freak flag... Im not huge on fashion as expression. I was rocking the same clothes I'd wear to work.  And just enjoying what others were expressing... dancing when I wanted to dance. Smiling when I wanted to smile. Weaving through the crowd feeling invisible... liking that I was invisible.    Sure... there are dreams of being plucked, but I didn't necessarily want attention, didn't want awkward social interaction, nervousness. 

Where does any of this leave me?    Part of me wants to judge myself, say there is something wrong. Another part admires that I have changed. That maybe I am less needy despite feeling needy in one area. I don't really need to impress anyone. Don't need to stand out. Don't need to lead a group. Don't need to be the center of attention.   I've been going to open mics and just enjoying others. I think about performing, and will at some point, but I am not entirely sure that it matters. I like seeing the repeated faces. I like witnessing. 

And then again, nothing has really changed. I've always weaved through crowds. I've always people watched when I didn't have a role. Nothing was different from 12 or 16 or 18 than yesterday... except that I would have felt like I should try to be part of something. Equally as lonely if I try, and when I don't?   Maybe I'm just more comfortable letting myself be myself. 

When my friend and her friends arrived, I found myself feeling more effeminate, often the case when I am around queer folks. My friend commented that I looked the most straight I have ever looked. And I agreed, so few extensions, so few edges, so plain. 

My tarot cards today were the Emperor and the Empress... and in some circles that means union of divine masc and fem in one body... or partnership.  I am not sure I will even leave the apartment. So maybe I am just accepting myself today.

 And I can't tell you, how many ways that I've sat and viewed my life today, but I can tell you, I don't think that I can find an easier way... So if I see you, walking hand and hand and hand with a three armed man. You know I'll understand. But you should have been in my shoes yesterday..."

Today I did some journaling over at the Loon Coffee Shop on the river and lake street. 

Then went for a walk along the river -or rather the streets on the cliffs above the river. 

It might have been the heat, or the low blood sugar, but I felt sooooo lonely and pitiful. 

Just like... why even try you know?  I think its hard sometimes when I finish out a week of seeing 25 people, listening to their stories, heartaches and excitation, numbness, and fear... and me dragging them along or prompting, or holding space, or cheer leading... and trying to be present for each and every one... and then walking away and wondering what the fuck I am gonna do with my life and not really being all that excited because I don't know where my life is going, and although I love my friends... not really feeling like they are the partners I want to share my life with in the quiet moments you know? 

So I sit at a coffee shop by myself. Then go for a walk by myself. Then eat dinner and see a movie by myself... and I can hear all the cheerleading I've done all week bouncing off my skull saying if you're lonely you need to try new things, or do stuff, or meet different people or take risks... and I think of all the places I've been in the world, the classes, the events, the hostels, the parkbenches, the pews, the groups, the parties and blah blah blah... and I am like... haven't I done shit? Haven't I met people? Haven't I tried?   What does it mean to try differently than the ways that already align so well with my life?

A friend asked me to go to this singles event where you clean out invasive plants out of the very parks I was walking by... and I considered it... but thats not really my jam. But neither is a singles event... so maybe? but then... no. I don't actually care about native or invasive species like my friend does. I care about people. 

I might go to PRIDE tomorrow at Powderhorn, maybe run into some folks there...

But anyway. I can't say that I didn't stop at the bridge and wonder at what point I'll take a swim. I mean... I left teaching in part because I knew it would lead to a lifetime of feeling isolated and burned out.  Now I find myself isolated again and maybe headed towards burnout. 

What am I doing this for?    

I ask G-d a lot... I don't get much response.    

I am not sure why I am on here complaining... maybe just trying to acknowledge that I feel sad and pitiful today. Its weird. Yesterday morning, this morning... did not feel pitiful. Felt really optimistic and grateful. Moods shift soooo easily.   

I think I am just recognizing I am ready for the next thing.  Part of this was sparked by getting tarot cards like the tower, and the devil, and the three of swords, and death... wondering what calamity is coming that will shift me into the next phase. Cuz I feel like I have been keeping it together by myself for awhile... and this hyper-independent shit is kind of played out. Just fumes... 

Its 9pm and I dont know what else to do but jump on social media and distract myself. I already saw a movie. I am not in the mood to read. I don't really have any games I want to play. I don't feel creative enough to write... 

meh. 9pm and I am ready for bed, but I drank so much caffeine today. I guess we shall see. 

Hopefully sat and sun go better. 

The weekend...

Saturday June 20^th

Loon Coffee shop 11AM-ish

 

I had my usual afternoon off yesterday, but went home. My friend had rescheduled dinner. The bank wasn’t open and I had no need to run errands or go do something other than my own initiative. So I didn’t. My plans slowly retreated as the afternoon went on. Scrolling led to a nap. I awoke to a summer storm around 7 pm that made me reconsider going out for dinner. I watched the news while baking stuff in the oven. I decided after dinner that I’d go downstairs and finish a book. I got some coffee that I later spilled everywhere.

I did finish the book, but not downstairs. There were too many distractions. Too many voices echoing annoyingly off the hallways. People were waiting on deliveries. People were getting in ubers. People were on the phone near the mailboxes. I went back upstairs and read on the couch, feeling somewhat sorry for myself.

The last few chapters of the book (Foundation and Empire) felt like ‘tell’ through dialogue. Like the author was sick of the book and wanted it to end so he could start on his next idea. A lot of the foundation books feel like that. Entire chapters feel like ‘tell’ chapters, and then others feel like show. I often feel like he was able to get away with more because it was written so long ago. For instance, in that last chapter it is really clear there are huge gender distinctions in some of the cultures, but it feels like it catches you off guard. Like he was suddenly like “oh yeah, and gender exists!” Race doesn’t  really.  The last part of that book is supposed to be a big reveal, but it felt anticlimactic -again, maybe it was… let me finish this so I can get to the next book -the second foundation!

After the book, I turned to the show, starting season 3. They are very different. Major themes of the show don’t match up at all with the books. For instance, the books really highlight how decay and decline are the major reasons for the change. Bureaucracy, stagnancy, complacence, etc. But in the show, the empire keeps improving, keeps trying and they seem to have few restraints. They don’t struggle with taxation and budgeting. They spend a fortune, then spend another fortune and we don’t see how that spending has led to them cutting back in other areas. They can’t keep up with the Foundation’s technology, but they keep improving and adapting to technology issues. And though the books do rely heavily on individual outliers that impact things, they also highlight that it was not one special individual but the inevitable outcome. Whereas the show highlights individual characteristics, heroes and antiheroes. In the books, the emperor keeps changing and new dynasties rise and fall. But in the show the stagnancy is solidified in the triumvirate cleonic dynasty (Clones of the same individual at three different ages), all puppeted by their behind-the-scenes governess. In the books, that governor character serves a term and leaves recognizing that his impacts might cause further stagnancy even if they bring about stability. So fundamentally different themes… but at the same time, the show is really good. It takes some of the characters and adds depth, adds charisma, makes them human and not just pawns entering and being dismissed easily in a book to discuss ideas.

I think if these books were written today, they’d be considered poor writing. But the show updates these ideas, these characters and brings them into the future that we project now. It can drag sometimes… and the multiple perspectives can get annoying (characters that are in different times and very different places), but it also adds depth and complexity to the galaxy they supposedly live in. There are all these little things that are added to make the planets and cultures seem interesting.  But its also funny how some of these little moments of chaos don’t seem to have big stakes because you know the character will be significant for a while. EG we know she isn’t really gonna drown. We know who will win this fight. And if a character dies, we know which ones will be brought back. -Its funny with science fiction epics that way -like the larger story dictates the relevance of little scenes, but without little action scenes it becomes all tell.

Game of Thrones threw that off by killing characters that you started to get attached to. Ned Start is beheaded, Daenerys’s brother is given a golden crown, her husband is killed, the Red Wedding, Joffrey… throughout the story heroes and villains are picked off. Keeps you on your toes.  In the Foundation book series, several important characters die, but it also feels like the passing of time kills them more often than something unexpected. In the show, Empire kills many people, but most of them feel like they were there for a plot point and then removed -and it is very effective, but not necessarily high stakes. Noble deaths. Or Pivotal deaths. Not pointless, random, chaotic, danger.

Makes me wonder what I will do in my books.

Many of my characters deaths are more to serve the plot points. Many are not even mentioned fully or explored fully. What does it mean to Lucy that her mom and dad die? That her brother almost dies? That she is in constant danger?  It means retreating into herself, into a pile of blankets, into myths.  Jaime dies, but it of natural causes. His death brings people together, and sends Erik forward. Maria dies as a device to show Jimena’s chaos. Esteban, Esfegione, the shell folks die to move the plot forward. Cutting losses/ starting wars, a crisis to escalate. 

But anyway…

Tomorrow is Father’s Day, and I woke up angry, feeling like I have nothing to offer to them. Feeling like I am still hurt and angry about it all. Playing out stories in my head of being wronged, when the truth is they didn’t do anything, except reveal what had been there -and what I had decided to avoid looking at for a long time. I wonder now what will happen to my relationships with them. For awhile it felt like the anger was subsiding, and then this week the FBI charged 15 minnesotans with crimes for standing up for their neighbors. These aren’t terrorists, even the ones who threatened violence, did no violence.

How many police were injured?  A question that was asked numerous times at the press conference and never answered. Zero.

How many violations of the law did la migra have?  Hundreds? Thousands?   Is it ok to resist unlawful actions that can have life changing impacts? Or does the authority get a free pass to break the law, violate and harm, at any cost. They will be really interesting court battles.

I am mad. I am mad because the people who dragged me to church don’t abide by the morals of the church. Because they won’t take responsibility, and continue to support people who are doing evil/harm to my community. That despite the obvious obvious obvious impacts, they remain silent, ‘both sides,’ even condemning folks for fighting back when those people fighting back are doing so at the costs of their lives and for the benefit of all.

I don’t want to play nice. I want to go to a protest. But cant seem to find any until next weekend.

SO instead today, I am writing… and then hanging with friends, maybe a walk or coffee with one, dinner with another.

Spanish. Maybe my shows. Some laundry.  Groceries tomorrow. More of the same.

A busy start of the week (I am overbooked on Monday).

There is a woman here who keeps looking like A to me. I don’t know why. She doesn’t actually look like her, but the style/fashion.

I am lonely. Don’t know how to create the life I want. Making attempts. Not sure what they will lead to.

My friend just cancelled on a walk, so now I am thinking I better get a river walk in before 2:30. How to use my time?  Maybe its time now, and then I stop home to switch laundry… less accomplished than I hoped to be today.

 

 

Sunday, Father's Day

I have this song stuck in my head, it feels fitting even though it's about alcohol, I feel like I am resonating with the poison aspect, the idea of knowing something is forever troubling, seeping through things, maligning them...

I woke up feeling that way yesterday and again today. On some level, my self-assurance feels right. I don't really want to celebrate my father today. The idea of focusing on myself and preparing for the week feels a lot more important and centering. But I keep falling into this desire to justify it. Today justify people questioning. Even though I everyone I talk to understands, I guess on some level I don't understand. I feel misaligned in setting boundaries for myself that feel good. I feel like I am doing something wrong.   

So I find myself arguing in my head on and off. Some of it is political justification -eg. how can you defend the actions of people who are hurting us? Some of it is emotional.  Like... why should I go celebrate when I don't feel safe with people?  Why should I give love and respect when I feel disrespected?   The arguments play out, resolve, then play out again. I remember doing this with past exes, wondering why I should make up for feelings of hurt, desperate to make things work with people who weren't desperate to make things work.  I find myself having that same question now, Jonah, how much does the whale miss you?   It comes up in the stories in my head, where my imaginary Dad is feeling disappointed or hurt and wants to know why I am not there... and does some soul searching and realizes he is wrong. Or my brothers and stepsister reach out, and I remind them that it's our dad who they should be trying to convince... rather than doing his work for him. 

 But why do I wake up so angry? What justifies my anger? I was starting to let it go... and then the government attacked us again... charges for another 15 people who didn't do anything but try to protect their neighbors. Who was harmed? Who is still being harmed? 

My shoulders are forward, I am stressed and angry. What does it accomplish?

Some part of me wondered if maybe I need to separate from the relationships I have with my parents, where they are close, because maybe that interferes with me having a romantic relationship?  I am not sure how. But the idea gave some meaning behind why this happens... but the reality is, it just happens. My parents are of a different generation, have a different perspective, have their own issues... and they are who they are... but how they respond to my pain impacts me... that just makes sense. 

My Father once told me, "you'll have to learn to forgive me."  As if I hadn't been trying... and my young mind could only come up with the solution of -downplay your own hurt so that you can keep the relationship.  I don't want to do that anymore. 

Yesterday wasn't the most accomplished day in the world...  but I went for a walk, I met up with two friends, reestablishing a friendship with one after years, and reconnecting with one who I see weekly. I watched my show. I did some laundry. 

Today I am doing a lot of chores/errands, and a little bit of work. I would love to say I made progress on my writing... but I mostly journaled... and that's ok. The next few weekends there will be protests. Maybe Tuesday an event at my apartment? Monday and Tuesday are really busy at work (like 7 things each day), so I don't really know. Maybe people will cancel but as of now I have 25 appointments on my calendar plus a meet and greet with another clinician. Thursday is the lightest day with only 3 so far. 

My bank isn't exactly hurting, but I'd like to make sure I can keep up, and maybe save up for these trips. NYC is already booked for August. Mexico city with my mom in March/April/Feb?  Not sure when. Lots of factors.

My Mom shared yesterday that she has some troubling symptoms and they are checking her out. So far all the scans/MRIs/blood work are coming back that she is in good shape, but they haven't found the why yet. Its scary to me. She says she has made peace with it. She is getting knee surgery mid July... will need some help. 

Her health issues also have me questioning my decisions... but again, its like... I've been very open about where I am at. And my Dad has been clear about where he is at. So... more like natural consequences right?  

How am I moving forward?   Investing a lot in work at the beginning of the week. Going to a few events. Trying to live out my values. Doing self care. Connecting with a friend or two a week. Investing in my hobbies.  

Miss having a partner.   Still wondering if I will ever have children.     Not sure how to feel about my faith or politics lately... but doing my best I guess.    

I noticed I am less invested in tarot videos than I used to be. The repeated messages often just dont feel meaningful.   But I know I am seeking something that cuts through it all. 

Maybe I am a selfish prick?   Maybe I need to be for a while, so that I can be more honest in my life and actually be a good partner, not just a caretaker?  That seems to be my drive to improve lately. 

Saturdays alone

 

It is about 3:30pm. 

I considered waking up early but spent too much time on the internet last night.  So I woke up at about 9am, and decided to try to leave by 11.  For some reason my teeth hurt, like there was metal in my cereal or my coffee cup and my mouth felt awake and vibrating in an unnerving way. 

I made my way down to dogwood on University, past where I think M works... which always makes me think about her. I wanted to sit outside, because its in the low 70s and breezy and sunny... but the way the apartment building blocks the light, it was too cold. So I sat inside and it was too loud. I ate a brownie which wasn't very good, and drank my which was the best part of the morning. I guess is what I am saying. I read a few chapters of a science fiction book, I looked for people I thought might be attractive... lately I feel like I am seeing less and less people that I am drawn to. I am realizing how easy it is to be an old cranky bastard... and yet I am lonely. At some point, my friend texted to cancel on me. I texted another who didn't get back to me for a few hours (and we both concluded we'd probably not be going out again after running errands).  

I walked home and University felt quiet. I decided it would be good to get groceries and go to costco today instead of tomorrow -when I am planning on going to a protest. 

Costco was packed. 

For some reason, even though I went to a different one, Costco always reminds me of E. Its the brands, and our repeated orders and everything. This used to happen everytime I went to the grocery store too, since I was the one who did most of our shopping and cooking. But now, it happens less at the grocery store.  Its a weird feeling... Its super nostalgic, and in the parking lot I realized how much I missed that part of my life. It would be mean to ask her to come back into my life now that she is headed forward... but I miss her a lot lately. 

After spending too much at Costco, I decided to get Leeann Chin, and go to the grocery store where I also spent too much. I had been running out of candy, and decided to go over board. 

I have enough beverages for at least 2-3 weeks, and probably enough candy for at least a month. 

I got back... there were no carts in the package room, so now my back hurts.

I am planning on reading outside... maybe watching tv later and drinking a thc drink. 

Weekends are starting to feel like a drag... on the plus side, the lady in the office of the apartment said we are gonna have a bulletin board soon, so I am thinking book club, art club, and game night or something... I don't really want to organize everything, but I do want more events. 

I know there are plenty of people I could reach out to... but I am feeling a little sadsack. 

This whole not having a crush/not having someone I'm drawn to thing is a little irritating. Its weird to spend a day or two, a week or two, a year or two...

Not sure whats next you know?

Meh

3PMish:   Quick complaints.

I bought this qi machine online, the first one didn’t work so they sent me another. I just unboxed it. Doesn’t work. 

These two giant devices totally useless. I’m like, am I doing something wrong? Why isn’t it working?

I have a slight headache. It’s making me not want to do the thing I was gonna do today - which is writing my book. I basically didn’t do much writing this weekend even though I’d planned to. 

Last night I hung with a friend, we got icecream. I started watching the last season of the boys since I have Amazon for another few days. 

Yesterday I went to the st Anthony park art festival, nothing spectacular but it was nice to get out and about and see the larger neighborhood. 

In a half hour or so I’m gonna go to a break work workshop for the second time. We shall see, hopefully my headache clears up. 

It was a really easy week last week. This week so far I think I have about 5 a day on average… so less easy. 

Finished the courage to be disliked. Need to do some reflecting on what I think of it… still have the courage to be happy and some foundation books to read. Then maybe the series a friend recommended. 

Life is pretty much great, but I have a slight headache and don’t feel creative so I’m making it a big deal I guess and being crabby. 

Oh well. Gonna rest and then go to the thing. 

**** later in the day.

I think the worst part of waking up to a really really nice dream is that you spend the rest of the day waiting for something to feel as good, or to have a conscious parallel. 

Today has not been that. Maybe its because I ate a lot of heavy food and even icecream last night... maybe my body is like "no." Or maybe because the sun isn't out and its gonna storm. Or maybe because I slept in till 11 (hence the dream).  Maybe if all my dreams had come true, I'd still be in a meh mood.

I went to the breathing thing. The previous time I had gotten a lot out of it. This time I felt dense. I felt like an anchor at the bottom of the ocean, and I wanted to move, I wanted to squirm away. 

Everyone else had a good experience, and rather than feeling connecting and empathetic, or social... I just wanted to leave. 

I walked home feeling more disappointed and I suppose, somewhat unloved. Everything is fine... and I don't feel fine. It's odd. I do think the coming storm has a lot to do with it... my mood has been getting increasingly worse throughout the day.  I don't really want to do anything. I have no brain. My mood is sour. I feel like if the love of my life walked in, I'd probably be like "hey raincheck?" 

I don't think I'll accomplish much tonight. And this week will be busy. Maybe there is a part of me just not feeling very optimistic about the week ahead?

I dunno... I have nothing real to complain about. Probably just the gray sky. 

play with it...

I woke up this morning fiening for love... or something adjacent. It's kind of catching me off guard. What's with this loneliness, and this feeling like I can't get what I want?

I also had this urgent feeling like I am running out of time... but I remember having that feeling many times in the past (like all of my 20s and parts of my 30s)... and I remember when I was actually in relationship, that there were moments in which I felt like we had infinite time, more than enough... like it had made up for all the times of being alone... and then in each of my relationships, I also had times (usually towards the end), in which I felt alone, felt I was wasting time, even within the relationship. Its vicious. 

I wrote down a series of questions that amounted to is it behavior? belief? time? space? 

Today during a lunch break I did some FIT around it... and came to the conclusion that right now I don't have enough low stakes social interaction... Like one of the things I realized, is that I don't really have any group or community right now. I was investing a bit in church, but lately I have not felt called to that space. I have been investing in protests, and single off events... but nothing consistent.  I knew this.. and yet, I didn't really realize I had ZERO.  With the exception of family... I basically have no social gatherings. So basically I came to the same conclusion I had already known but it was emphasized.  Low stakes social interaction... could I join a book club? an art club?  a board game club? a writing circle? Something regular, so regular that I lose my social anxiety, stop trying to impress, and just show up to be me, to care and be cared for... make friends. Feel like I am part of something. 

I used to have so many of those things... and each year I have less and less.

I had hoped that my office and apartment would give me more opportunities. My friend always says I am gonna meet someone in the elevator like a meetcute. 

One of the difficulties I have realized is that my apartment looks out across the street, rather than inwards towards the social gathering places like the inner court yard. There are people using the grills, the pool, the hot tub, the lounge chairs, but I don't see them, don't interact with them unless I randomly decide to go out of my way to go out there. 

Tonight I went down there to read. There were two groups of people using the grills, and a few others hanging out in random places. Most seemed like set social gatherings -like someone had specifically invited someone over for hamburgers kind of thing. I don't even know how to use the grills. There were also a couple of people in the gym, and a couple people playing pool. 

It made me recall that when I was younger I had groups

I sat outside for a while reading a book called "The Courage to be Disliked"   and then moved into the coffee/office space to read more. 

The book is a Socratic dialogue around Adlerian philosophy and therapy. The basic premise is that we can change our minds/personality/behavior etc. any time, but we don't because we believe we are benefitting from the current circumstances  (and to believe otherwise feels uncomfortable).

EG... Mike you should join the honors class, yeah but I am lazy. 

Or Mike you should run premarriage workshops, yeah but I have imposter syndrome... so I am not confident. 

Or Mike, you should put yourself out there and meet people more often, yeah, but what if I don't like them, feel used, or get rejected. 

These are all excuses, misguided beliefs that keep me stuck... but if I decided to do something else, that would be ok too... it just might feel uncomfortable to act differently to my beliefs of self...

There are all sorts of terms in the book, but the authors/theory, would say that basically the things that happened to you, or are happening to you are not real, only the meaning you make of them, which is your choice. 

I believe in some of this stuff. I even use it. It also feels too black and white. 

But it feels like a good agitation... Mike what limiting beliefs are you following that keep you from being/doing having the life you want to live? 

I think there is both a time/space/energy aspect that acts as a barrier, and a belief that is holding me back. There is a belief that I will be disappointed. That I will invest time and energy and love, and it won't work out...  because it hasn't in the past. There is a desire to find "the right fit" rather than making things work... because I feel like I tried to make things work in the past and it hurt me. 

With M and E specifically, I kept focusing on the positives and trying to make things work, when they weren't working. Now I find myself obsessively thinking about them, wanting a fix more than an actual relationship (this is just the last few days). I feel like I am fixating on stuff because I am not sure what steps I am willing to take to move forward. 

Even the ideas I said before, a board game place?  A book club? a writers circle? An art club?  Throw in a meditation group, or a spiritual place or whatever...  but when will I actually start going?

I guess I have started to attend open mics... but I don't talk to anyone there. Its a weird group of outcasts to be honest. Maybe those are my peeps?  

At work I see all the self limiting beliefs people have, and how they get in their own way. I see myself doing it too... and its boring. 

The rest of this week is very light. Only 2 appointments tomorrow, 3 Thursday, 3 Friday. I plan on doing some writing. Maybe I need to do some research around meet ups too. I dunno.