What do you do with your one precious life?

 

Well, the weekend continued to go quietly. Got some groceries. Did some cleaning. Watched a show. Took a nap. Did some laundry. Listened to a cd I haven't listened to in a while. 

It occurred to me that I wasn't looking forward to the week, but I wasn't not looking forward to it  -and that reminded me that just the other day I was talking to a teenaged client who said he hates the weekends because he can't work... and I spent 40 minutes trying to get him to google things to do. 

So I took my own advice. There are a lot of summer festivals coming up in St. Paul. There are some museums I could go to. Some parks. A few things I might want to do on my own, others I could invite someone to. 

I didn't do any of them. In fact, I looked at my next weekend and saw that I had nothing, when my Brother texted and asked if I could help out with a kids birthday party. And I said, hit me up if you need me, but wasn't enthused. I didn't reach out to anyone. Barely said Hi to my mom (who was out of town). 

There is sort of a love hate of people I guess.   I didn't want to leave the house much today. Could have sat outside and read a book or something. Could have gone for a walk. Could have sat at a coffee shop and done some writing. 

There is a weird thing about life... no right way to do it, but I found myself bored with my own life, and then wondered why I was unwilling to do something about it. How strange. 

I think I might be the world's biggest complainer. 

The week looks pretty easy work wise, 4-5 clients a day. 

A thing for my brother on Thursday, picking up a friend at the train station Friday. Maybe this kids party Saturday.

Church Sunday? same old chores, same old routine. 

I should start playing board games at a store, or join an art project that I don't have to do anything but show up, or take a writing class...  Something...

I guess its bed time.

Mothers day

I struggled to respond to my alarms this morning, or rather made the choice to go back to bed. Dreams, odd and heavy, strange as they were kept calling to me. At least amongst the dreams, there was love and passion, reaching, and pushing... I know I was scared, felt on the hook, felt caught up... but I was in the middle of people, I was in relationship.

I woke up and decided I didn't want to be amongst strangers at church, but also on the odd chance that I'd see someone I knew, didn't want to play a role, rather than feeling truly caught up in the middle.

I got up in time to watch the livestream, and have been distracted the whole time. Eating breakfast, checking social media, caught off guard by random thoughts and feelings. 

It's been a quiet weekend, primarily spent alone. Saw a friend last night, but otherwise spent solo. Sleeping-in always makes me a little more braindead, and yesterday I slept in till 11 (for the same reasons). I had nothing to do, nothing to step into, nothing that called. 

Not feeling bad for myself entirely, just aware, so much silence makes it hard to ignore. At 5 pm, I went for a walk, knowing my friend would arrive around 6. It was really windy out, as I walked around in a very quiet part of St. Paul, I wondered about my own next steps, I sang songs, prayed, I talked out loud... all the things I do while traveling, exploring, figuring out who I am. What would make life feel more fulfilling?  How beautiful that tree is. What changes do I need to make? Oh, that is where that business is... How many places have I seen and how many I will still see...  There are elements of my life that feel good, that sustain me, but there are also things or people missing. My apartment is fine, but not fulfilling. My work is fine, but not fulfilling. My Church is fine, but not fulfilling. My relationships with family and friends are fine, but not fulfilling. 

It's easy to fall into a question, why me?  Why is that I have had these relationships that feel so strong in the moment, but sizzle out, or burn up... am I doing something wrong?  Why have I not been able to find what others do... companionship, partnership, etc. 

I am sitting and listening to church, and part of me misses E. Wonders how she is, what she is up to, if she is spending time with her family, with friends, alone?  Do these people I have loved wonder the same about me? 

It is Mothers day, and there is a bit of sadness, of grief, of relief, of longing still.  I read a postsecret this morning that was about a child who was looking online at their bio parent's social media because their parent did not know they existed and I was almost envious of that parent. -As in, someone wants to know you. As in, someone needs to know you. 

I don't like to make it sound definite, but I am very sad that I might miss my window to be a parent. I know there is still time, and so many ways I could *make it happen, but I've been determined to have it on my terms, and my terms are not the terms of the universe I guess.  

But then it also makes me feel sort of pathetic, because I have had many people in my life who have asked me to bring down my walls, to be vulnerable, to trust in them, and I chose not to. Kept them at a distance, lied or omitted, was silent, did not reach. 

I know there is no right way, but I also know that I have struggled to find, name and define my own. Even now with my dad and step mom, it feels important to set boundaries, but I also know I am not entirely in the right, because they are not entirely in the wrong... just different needs right now. 

I am not sure where I was going with any of this... 

Just to say, I guess, that silence allows me to notice the little cracks, the absences. 

"How far gone, my love, how long, will you be at sea,
Are you lost? If not,

come home for me."

May

I guess it's been a week - I didn't realize it had been so long since I wrote.   Its already May 6th. 

Last Friday I took the day off and went to two protests. The first was at a bridge downtown and some young activists stopped traffic and got arrested. It took the cops a surprisingly long time to get there -like over 30 minute? then another 15 to arrest them.  All the while we stood singing songs and waving our posters on the other side of the bridge -where traffic was allowed to leave downtown. I imagined the truck union drivers that did it in the 30s or whatever... how easy it was to stop the entry/exit points of the city. 

After that I walked around the north loop a little. I haven't really been down there in years. It was really cool and I kind of missed city life. There is a big difference between St. Anthony Park and the north loop...  but really, it would have been at least back to Dunn Bros time and before that When I and L lived down there. Its crazy how you can just not go to a neighborhood or an area of the city even when you live in it. 

Speaking of which, I have been investigating the St. Anthony Park neighborhood a bit more when it is warm out. Its a really cool area, old houses, not a lot of uniformity, liberal, art, gardens, anti ice signs everywhere. I wanna keep checking it out, but another part of me is considering moving -especially if I don't get to stay in my office (a bunch of drama in itself). 

Last Thursday I went to an open house/happy hour thing on the 2nd floor and met people, and socialized and it was really nice. It was like we were all waiting for someone else to make it happen and then they did and it was nice.  I emailed the owner of the building on Friday and said I'd like to renew... he said he'd get back to me -despite the deadline for renewal being in mid -may. Anyway... now I feel like I am not welcome, so I might as well start looking for a new space for November... and maybe a new apartment too. 

In the meantime, I decided I am going to NYC in August for a week. J said I could stay at her place which cuts down a lot on costs... I know my mom offered a trip, but I'd prefer to go to Mexico City with her... Maybe next year? 

Her birthday is coming up. 

My Dad just had his. Leading up to it was all sorts of mixed feelings, but on the day before the party we went for a walk and I told him I didn't really see anything changing... so I probably wouldnt be there. I added to his gift, told him I'd take him out for a dinner.  Aunt T reached out and said she missed me, and that she was upset by her brothers and their politics... I said it was better for me to not be there. 

Instead of the birthday party (the last for a while thank the loid)... I went to the May Day Parade and loved every bit of it. Ran into KT, gotta reach out to her again. Saw some other folks, but didn't really talk to anyone. Sat for hours in the sun people watching, praying, taking in the positive vibes and saying thank you. Then the ceremony started, I cried my eyes out, sang, praised, hugged the guy next to me... It was sooooo beautiful and so great, and it made me want to move to powderhorn -or north east more likely... but just the vibes of minneapolis. 

I did have some moments wondering why I am all alone in a crowd of amazing people...but I also had some moments in which I felt grateful I was so that I could have my own experience and not be worried about someone else, or catering to them. It was soooo lovely, and part of me just wants to promise myself that I will always make room for it. A promise to myself that I get to celebrate this beautiful thing you know...

I made the decision RE: NYC and for a while after skipping my dad's thing, doing the May Day parade and generally feeling like I was being true to myself -I felt empowered, optimistic, really like-seize the day emperor energy. 

Then this week has just felt all over the place with work. Really exhausting... crisis, revelation, family drama, celebration, surgeries and potential hospitalizations, insight, and on and on... some of it is the same old drama, some of it is like -everyone who is sensitive is extra sensitive, everyone who doesn't feel like they belong feels extra like they don't belong.  Parts of me see so many parts of me.... and I am just like yeah... its hard, but I am also somehow optimistic still?

Two more days, but it has felt like a week already. At lunch time I see my neighbor people and I cant even think about socializing. Generally I am feeling caught up, but I am also feeling very drained. 

I need to claim what I want... I don't really know how to meet someone, the rest is easy enough. Pack up your stuff and go. 

No right ways?

I woke up earlier today feeling kind of anxious, but also optimistic. I felt like I was somehow free of some of the heaviness I have been feeling.  I walked to work thinking that I would have to step into the next phase of my life, one in which I am an adult and my parents aren't on a pedestal, and that that is ok. They would just be other human beings, not people to look up to. More particularly, my dad and step mom would just be people whose opinions don't really matter to me -in some ways more akin to the self-righteousness I had 20 years ago. Maybe I've been compromising too much of myself, and really, I just need to think of these people as less than or something... I dunno even thinking about it fully makes me feel like I am not living into my values.   It is kind of what my siblings described that they have had to do... look at our parents, and dismiss them.  That feels dumb, but maybe I can't talk to my dad or step mom about the things I care about in the world, because they won't get it. Maybe doing so (for me) actually just opens me up to feeling vulnerable and hurt by them when they choose differently (read stupidly). 

At work I sat with clients and had this weird removed quality... sitting back, observing... I mean I was in it with them, but I was also just so aware of how all our drama is just drama. Our egos, our hurts and angers, our desires, our want to be seen and known, our ability to delude ourselves, to fight for things, to make mistakes and douse ourselves in gasoline and light a match... just human junk. None of it all that meaningful, but because we have nothing else to fret over, so deeply meaningful. 

I had a client that I relate to a lot. We were talking about what age he is when he is in the story he is telling himself... eg, did you develop this story as a child? at 20?   From my freefloating place, I could tell that he didn't feel he had much agency when he told this story, he was being acted upon... even though logically he knew better. The story and the feeling were disempowering... they didn't lead to options or feeling capable... and I noticed myself chastising myself for being in this younger version of me so much lately. I don't have any power or choice, I feel young, mixed up, I feel incapable of holding myself together or standing my ground in a generous way...   I am also angst and anger. ---but today, I was free for a while. I was in the clouds, and my drama didn't matter. 

And I kind of liked being in my lofty somewhat egoless state... and then I also knew I was kind of deluding myself - but I felt more optimistic and hopeful about what I could do with my life -if I just laughed at all my drama instead of acting it out. This and that, and the other thing... meh, what's next, ok do it.   (some spiritual bypassing obviously). 

Then today the Supreme Court overturned part of the Voting Rights Act and an idiot went before Congress and I was just reminded again of the consequences... our world is going to shit because of these people. Fuck you. Fuck you for creating a future in which we don't have rights, health care, education, security, an environment or any fucking hope. Fuck you for ruining the American Dream. Fuck you for blaming us when you chose to do it.  Fuck you for being stupid enough to fall for the conmen over and over even when it hurts you. Fuck you for your mistakes, which you won't take responsibility for and make your life and mine worse. Why should I be nice about it... you're hurting my business, my clients, my students, my health, everything I've worked for, you're undermining... why should I be nice to you?  

Its like, you don't want to be the daycare for your grandkids? whose fault was that? You don't want to help pay their bills every month? Whose fault was that? You want it to be easier to relax, or travel or make a living... you voted against it, so fuck you. 

And I can point out... well on an interpersonal level, you're really nice, welcoming, hospitable, gracious... and I have certainly benefitted on the one hand... and on the other I've had to sacrifice more, work harder, give to more people and organizations, fight fight fight against the people you empower, don't question, etc.   And even when you're upset by their lack of integrity, you fall into "bothsides..." cynicism that makes nothing better, selfish pity party, still no personal responsibility from you -and then you blame us for it?  For fighting back? For saying enough is enough? fuck you. 

It makes me angry that you give with one hand and don't recognize you're pulling the rug out from beneath us... you only want credit for offering a hand up. That's fucked up. 

What do I even want? 

I mean... I don't want to cut off my family. I don't want to not show up to parties and family gatherings... I also don't want to roll my eyes or start a fight when something stupid is said. My step-sister basically said she already sees it getting a lot worse... and said she has to bite her tongue, or roll her eyes, or ignore, or walk away... and it's like ---yeah but the defunded the nursing home so that won't even be an option.  

(I am making it seem like they say anything out loud... they don't. They aren't even concrete in their arguments anymore. They make a snide comment. They're actually more cynical than righteous in their political views. It's just that they don't even acknowledge they were wrong.)

I don't like ignoring people, leaving people out, not hearing them out... I feel like there should be room at the table for different points of view... but when people are sharing points of view that hurt others -it sucks. 

Unconditional positive regard... Seeing the best in people... loving people for their potential rather than accepting who they are...  These are tools...but they are also traps for me. 

Sometimes I think about how in one of our first deeper convos M told me she was broken, and probably shouldn't ever get married again. I dismissed it, said it was kind of a silly idea, and that of course she would... I met her, how I would meet anyone (let alone anyone I had a crush on)... but maybe I should have asked more questions about why she was responsible for her failed relationships instead of dismissing these statements.  With E, I often wanted to project the ability of her to succeed in things she felt a lack of competence for... tried to help her... but maybe I should have just believed her. Yeah, you won't figure that out, and I'm not sure I can carry the weight for you. 

This morning or yesterday I was thinking about how both of these women lied to me regularly, not necessarily consciously... but they did. If I had trusted my gut that noticed all the red flags, I wouldn't have gotten into it so deep... but I breezed right by that shit. 

As a teacher and a therapist, I was required to believe that people could grow, succeed, overcome barriers and challenges... I do believe that. But most wont... it requires effort, and support, and being honest, and taking responsibility, and being courageous enough to sacrifice or face the music of what we have done... I'm not that brave am I?   Why do I expect others to be?

I complained to my step sister, no one taught me how to do this... instead, they taught me to shift the blame down the ladder... making others responsible for my actions.

YUCKY

Isn't that exactly what the country is doing? 

If I go back to my cloud its like ...yeah dude... thats one of the dramas we play out... it is, has been, will be...     Is your resistance? self flagellating ? walking away from relationships gonna help?

I dunno...   I just know my Dad's birthday is coming up... and I am struggling to be on board. Or make a card, or whatever the fuck we are doing. 

5 pm on a Sunday.

 I’m sitting outside at my apartment. I feel like I never noticed the wallpaper in the bathrooms on the first floor are weed themed. 

The hot tub is open again, and there are about 6 people in there chatting -gonna walk back up to my apartment. 

It’s funny how nothing in this place is really that comfortable. Not their couches nor mine. I should get à la z boy. 

I’m sure most of the folks in the hot tub knew each other, but the casual talk of a group… the way it must remain somewhat shallow, it reminded me of being at a hostel, amongst a group, wondering when to chime in. Wondering if I have anything of value to add to the conversation, wondering if I even want to have a conversation with these strangers. I’m sooo antisocial. I was thinking today as I got groceries that I am so set in my ways, making things simple, ritualistic even, groceries on Sunday, laundry on Friday, the same basic meals, the same chores, the same friends. And when there is a special event I don’t cherish it, I’m anxious till it is in the past and I can relax again. 

I don’t go out of my way to try new things, at best a walk or a drive to a new neighborhood, or a different route, but even that is so uncommon on the whole. 

I’ve done all my things today and the one (other than dinner and dishes) that I have left is to write something positive about my dad. Something for his birthday. Why is it so hard?

Yesterday I spent about 3 hours writing to Ali, writing and erasing, writing and erasing. She responded kindly today. It gave me some hope, and then I left my apartment and remembered that not only did the government attack my community, but my parents defended them. Accused my neighbors and the protesters standing up against them of wrong doing. It’s not a policy. It’s a line in the sand… and that’s why I am angry. I have no doubt they’d cross the line in my moment of need, but to not be able to extend that… what then? And even then, only if it didn’t cost them anything too much… especially my step mom. If it were her or me, she’d choose herself and my dad would too. So on the personal and public, I lost trust. 

I don’t want to be angry all the time. I don’t want to be distant. That’s what I realized, writing to Ali, how many excuses I make to pull away, to hide because it’s so much more difficult to name and stay engaged. 

But can I just engage and not get angry? Do I need to start avoiding conversations? Leaving early? Dismissing them in my head and rolling my eyes as if they are children…

Is it that point. Give up on them. Let it go. Know their limits and build support for your own. Is it that?

I guess it is that.  That’s the conclusion everyone in their lives has come to, my siblings, my dads siblings, my step moms family (they all dismiss her). 

Stay part of the family and just don’t engage.

If I had my own support network, a group of friends, or a family of my own… it wouldn’t be so hard to let it go. I know that to be the case. I’d pull away slightly and rest in the company I choose to keep and I’d hold them so much closer. 

Being single and childless is hilariously dumb. 

I go to the grocery store and wonder how with my rituals and scheduled out life, in which I serve others but make no room for fun or social selfish time, I’ll ever meet someone. I think I might need to go on a dating app… and I hate dating.  I think I might have to join something, go somewhere, do something different. It would be nice if that thing would just pop out and make itself known. 

I’m back to all the old lonely shit. Nice apartment. Business. Stability. But no one I want to share it with. So may folks would just point out like… do something different. But I’ve taken classes and explored, and been around the world, and had jobs and volunteered and been part of clubs and circles and churches and I dunno. Sometimes it’s like… universe where are you?

My tarot today was overwhelmingly positive, except it started with the death and resurrection card. And maybe that’s what I need. To die to this life and start a new one.

9:35 so that like 7 minutes earlier

Just finished season 2 of Shrinking. 

I decided this season was all about rupture and repair. 

Things turned out ok. 

I cried a lot toward the end of the season.

BCBS owes me like 5800$ and they were sending it to the wrong place. I am not sure if its sorted yet, cuz I couldn't get through one of the webpages. They said 45 days then they will reissue the checks. Makes a lot more sense why I felt I wasn't making enough money. I mean... throw another 6k at it, and I am fine. I owe more in taxes though. Maybe next quarter I will pay double. 

The show makes me cry so hard for moments. It's like deep grief and heart break, release, then relief. 

I am wishing I could have some relief from the fight with my Dad and Step Mom... wondering how necessary it is to stay angry.  Part of me wants to write out a list of all the ways my Dad has been loving toward me, and I guess... at least acknowledge that. Maybe they don't have to balance scales... maybe its not about scales... just that I am deeply hurt by this life long stuff... and also I love my Dad. Both things are true... its not as picture perfect as a tv show though. 

There is a deep part of me still grieving having a companion. I am noticing that a lot lately. Maybe it means I should be dating. Craving intimacy and belonging. 

Sometimes I wonder if I have become too antisocial... like I save all my goodness for work, and I have nothing left for anyone else... but really its just like -when you don't do stuff, you don't do stuff. Its not some big existential thing. If you're not part of something, you aren't part of something. 

Pretty simple really.

I think I am just delaying going to bed. 

Only 3 clients tomorrow. Maybe I'll write my list or whatever.

9:42

I turned my phone to grayscale to practice not being addicted. Watched three episodes of Shrinking and youtube instead.

Was supposed to have had 6 clients today, but one cancelled. It was a good day. I was supposed to have 6 tomorrow but one switched to Friday. 5 clients in a day is dreamy. I walked home, realized I didn't have anything to do. Read for an hour. 

Caught up with some checks and realized I haven't been getting checks from BCBS even though they say they are sending them. Meaning either they are sending them the wrong place, not sending them, or they are getting lost in the mail. I will probably have to call someone to sort this shit out. 

I am a little worried my check from wellsfargo also got stuck in the mail... what do you do if checks aren't getting through in the mail?

I am lonely. It's probably like 70 degrees out. I am gonna go finish my book or go to sleep. 

My tarot cards today were judgment, 3 of swords, two of pentacles and the sun. 

I felt some of em... not sure where that heart break was... just a slow ache I guess. 

I don't know what I want really... I think I've decided I am staying in my apartment and office for another year -for the stability. Then?  Either a new place or a getaway? 

Maybe the heartbreak will be in the next two hours. Half the characters of the book are dead. I am not sure if I think reading the rest of the series is worth it. I get how this series (Foundation) was a precursor to other sci fi series. Lots of new ideas. Lots of great insight... but its soooo tedious and slow sometimes. -I guess similar to how tv and movies were back in the day. 

Authors got away with a lot more telling and not showing, or showing in the tedious ways.

It all just is what it is. Here is a heartbreak kind of song from the show:

ideas of flight

I woke up today not exactly feeling grand. I guess it wasn't a bad day. I had 5 clients and another one that cancelled. I had an old client reach out to begin therapy again. Briefly chatted with some neighbor coworkers? (Still haven't decided what to call them). Got all my paperwork done for the day. 

I text my mom a bit on the way home, about feeling mixed and weird.

On some level, I feel like a bratty kid making a fuss over nothing. On another level, I feel like I am fighting to be heard. I keep thinking about how it was easier when I had a partner... easier to stand my ground. Easier to feel like my decisions were based on more than just my whims. Easier to say, I matter, when someone else thinks you do. I told my mom, I feel like the bad kid, and that I am being overdramatic, and needy, and selfish. But also that I don't even want to be in the room with my step mom right now. My mom, amongst other thoughts, mentioned that I needed a vacation. 

I thought it was funny. 

My response to finding out that E was likely dating someone, was to spend part of last night thinking about running away again. Why am I here?  I don't feel like my life is heading anywhere... despite the whole business and apartment thing. I have the same old friends. I have the same old family dynamics. I am not tied down to anything. I could spend the next year getting my business settled and then decided to spend 6 months or a year in south east asia. I could go take some eat pray love classes in India. I could move to portugal with the rest of the americans. 

I have dreams and goals, and I am not pursuing most of them at this time. My job is nice, but it isn't enough. I keep seeing myself growing old alone and not accomplishing the things I told myself I would. Write that book. 6/7 continents. Meet someone. 

When I am traveling I am alone most of the time, but I also have new experiences every day, new things to see, new people to meet, new smells, new sensations, and lots of time to think about what I want and why.  

Right now... I dunno.  Life it routine, but it isn't what I want. I don't really want to spend the rest of my life talking to other people about moving their lives forward when I feel like mine is stalling. 

I know I don't need to be dramatic and take a year off... but I also know its a dream I have... and there isn't that much time left you know? I mean southeast asia is experiencing an oil crisis right now... but its gonna experience climate change more dramatically, and I already hate the heat. 

My parents are turning 70, in the next 10 years I'd presume I am needed. 

If my job doesn't let me meet anyone, and I am not interested in joining anything while doing my job... this job is gonna lead to death. SO part of me is like... fuck it, I am out. 

But a more reasonable thing would be to take a week or ten days or something. Go to Mexico City, or DC, or NYC. Go get renewed. 

It's funny when I think this way, because on one hand it feels like magical thinking -go run around the world and make something of yourself... and on the other hand it doesn't feel unaligned with some of those universalizing thoughts I had yesterday.  You're an ant, it doesn't matter. Dream bigger, even if you're tiny. 

It's hard to imagine coming back after a year to doing therapy. In fact, I wonder about posting up somewhere and doing therapy abroad, or running groups, or being a guru... you know?   Like if I am gonna spread my wings, I might as well spread them. Why come back to an office and an apartment here, when I could be leading therapy in Bali, or writing my book in Bangkok?   I am so sick of this stupid country anyway. 

Anyway... it seems funny that I suddenly want to go be a person of the world again. Fighting with my parent. Feeling stuck. An ex that has moved on... same old same old.  

Tonight I am either gonna do some reading or some tv watching.   its 6:15. I'm fed. The dishes are done. I did some Spanish. Might do some exercise in a bit. I have nothing to complain about -really... but there have been multiple times today that I was on the verge of tears, and not very nice to myself in my mind. blaghghhgh