play with it...

I woke up this morning fiening for love... or something adjacent. It's kind of catching me off guard. What's with this loneliness, and this feeling like I can't get what I want?

I also had this urgent feeling like I am running out of time... but I remember having that feeling many times in the past (like all of my 20s and parts of my 30s)... and I remember when I was actually in relationship, that there were moments in which I felt like we had infinite time, more than enough... like it had made up for all the times of being alone... and then in each of my relationships, I also had times (usually towards the end), in which I felt alone, felt I was wasting time, even within the relationship. Its vicious. 

I wrote down a series of questions that amounted to is it behavior? belief? time? space? 

Today during a lunch break I did some FIT around it... and came to the conclusion that right now I don't have enough low stakes social interaction... Like one of the things I realized, is that I don't really have any group or community right now. I was investing a bit in church, but lately I have not felt called to that space. I have been investing in protests, and single off events... but nothing consistent.  I knew this.. and yet, I didn't really realize I had ZERO.  With the exception of family... I basically have no social gatherings. So basically I came to the same conclusion I had already known but it was emphasized.  Low stakes social interaction... could I join a book club? an art club?  a board game club? a writing circle? Something regular, so regular that I lose my social anxiety, stop trying to impress, and just show up to be me, to care and be cared for... make friends. Feel like I am part of something. 

I used to have so many of those things... and each year I have less and less.

I had hoped that my office and apartment would give me more opportunities. My friend always says I am gonna meet someone in the elevator like a meetcute. 

One of the difficulties I have realized is that my apartment looks out across the street, rather than inwards towards the social gathering places like the inner court yard. There are people using the grills, the pool, the hot tub, the lounge chairs, but I don't see them, don't interact with them unless I randomly decide to go out of my way to go out there. 

Tonight I went down there to read. There were two groups of people using the grills, and a few others hanging out in random places. Most seemed like set social gatherings -like someone had specifically invited someone over for hamburgers kind of thing. I don't even know how to use the grills. There were also a couple of people in the gym, and a couple people playing pool. 

It made me recall that when I was younger I had groups

I sat outside for a while reading a book called "The Courage to be Disliked"   and then moved into the coffee/office space to read more. 

The book is a Socratic dialogue around Adlerian philosophy and therapy. The basic premise is that we can change our minds/personality/behavior etc. any time, but we don't because we believe we are benefitting from the current circumstances  (and to believe otherwise feels uncomfortable).

EG... Mike you should join the honors class, yeah but I am lazy. 

Or Mike you should run premarriage workshops, yeah but I have imposter syndrome... so I am not confident. 

Or Mike, you should put yourself out there and meet people more often, yeah, but what if I don't like them, feel used, or get rejected. 

These are all excuses, misguided beliefs that keep me stuck... but if I decided to do something else, that would be ok too... it just might feel uncomfortable to act differently to my beliefs of self...

There are all sorts of terms in the book, but the authors/theory, would say that basically the things that happened to you, or are happening to you are not real, only the meaning you make of them, which is your choice. 

I believe in some of this stuff. I even use it. It also feels too black and white. 

But it feels like a good agitation... Mike what limiting beliefs are you following that keep you from being/doing having the life you want to live? 

I think there is both a time/space/energy aspect that acts as a barrier, and a belief that is holding me back. There is a belief that I will be disappointed. That I will invest time and energy and love, and it won't work out...  because it hasn't in the past. There is a desire to find "the right fit" rather than making things work... because I feel like I tried to make things work in the past and it hurt me. 

With M and E specifically, I kept focusing on the positives and trying to make things work, when they weren't working. Now I find myself obsessively thinking about them, wanting a fix more than an actual relationship (this is just the last few days). I feel like I am fixating on stuff because I am not sure what steps I am willing to take to move forward. 

Even the ideas I said before, a board game place?  A book club? a writers circle? An art club?  Throw in a meditation group, or a spiritual place or whatever...  but when will I actually start going?

I guess I have started to attend open mics... but I don't talk to anyone there. Its a weird group of outcasts to be honest. Maybe those are my peeps?  

At work I see all the self limiting beliefs people have, and how they get in their own way. I see myself doing it too... and its boring. 

The rest of this week is very light. Only 2 appointments tomorrow, 3 Thursday, 3 Friday. I plan on doing some writing. Maybe I need to do some research around meet ups too. I dunno. 

meh

 It’s funny how I so frequently feel I’m running out of time but also just wasting my time on social media- like by 7 o’clock. I’ve already done all the things I wanted to do today and I was laying in bed wondering how will anything ever change ?  If I’m already in bed by seven and don’t give myself any time to try new things or go out or meet new people. But who was I planning to meet on Monday night that I hadn’t met in 1000 other places?

With nothing to show

 I miss the feeling of returning home from a trip with a partner. Miss switching off at a bathroom sink. Miss cuddling. Miss kissing a neck. Miss having someone to make dinner for. Miss putting my clothes away so they’re not in the way… companionship. 

It was a lonelier weekend than I’d anticipated. I think because I was writing so much, and the character I am writing is a bit of a lover. His wife has just come home, and he is torn between his way of being in the world and his way of tending to her. 

I don’t want to be codependent, but I’d like to be part of something. 

Mostly just did chores errands and read and wrote today. Still some brainstorming I want to do. 

It was rainy and I didn’t have anywhere to go or be… so it’s been another day that will slink on by.   

I wonder if I’ll regret all these years alone. I don’t know what else id have done.  If e and i had a baby she’d be 3ish?

I am craving love.  Probably settle for lust

A day

It was mostly a good day. I accomplished what I had hoped to, minus the things put off till tomorrow like dishes, and sweeping and a hair cut. 

By 10 I was out the door, by 10:30 writing. Around 1pm I went for a walk. At 4 I went to see a strange movie. 

After the movie I started writing again. 

Made dinner.

Started writing again. 

Its nearing 10 pm, and I am losing steam for the writing in front of me... but I have learned its ok to take breaks. 

When I was going to the movie, I was hit by this wave of longing for a gf. I know it had something to do with seeing so many people out with their partners on the walk, and at the coffee shop. I know it had something to do with a desire for a date to a movie. I know it had something to do with the idea that E is probably dating that guy, and passing by the place M and I went on our first date. I know it also had something to do with the horoscope and tarot readings this morning, which seemed to promise that sometime today I should be open to meeting someone...  its a weird kind of hope... the one based on people just telling you to hope, and not repeat the same old patterns when love comes walking up. 

But even my own reading today was the Lovers, the Hierophant, the Strength card, and the two of swords. The reading told me to connect, to trust, to believe that good things were coming and I just had to open my heart to meet them. 

So I am feeling a little lonely... feeling a little yearning.  

I dunno. Tonight I could have gone downstairs and maybe met someone in the shared areas... but it seemed to feel better just writing in my own space.

What will tomorrow bring?

In my book right now I am writing about a sort of priest type guy who in the midst of a communal ecstatic experience, is made aware that he and his wife are in danger. And it is very traumatic for him, because he was blissed out, and then brought back to a reality in which is wife is furious at him, his friend is dead, another friend is lost in shame and horror, and he is trying to stay in denial, in the spiritual, but keeps being brought out of it. 

It's tricky to write, because he is in sort of a daze. But I feel like I can sort of relate in that, I feel very blessed today, but also very lonely, I guess that's what I am saying. 

Angry dreams

 I just woke up livid, can feel the anger surging through me still. Almost intentionally waking from a dream in which I was so pissed I couldn’t stay in it. 

In the dream, I was at some sort of spa thing with my dad’s side of the family and a friend of mine I’d been hanging out with came too. For some reason I had skateboarded there, but also taken my car, I dunno dreams are weird. 

It was mostly good, I was having a heart to heart with my friend… though I felt somewhat on the spot. I was determined to stay open-hearted, vulnerable. 

Then we were all in the hot tub. For some reason I was holding the baby (my step-sisters most recent who is not really a baby anymore, but still too young for a hot tub).  Everyone was having a good time, and then my dad made a joke to me - that felt snarky. I wasn’t sure what he meant entirely, but the tone was underhanded. It was something like:

“Hey yeah Mike, and every few years will conveniently white wash history with the blood of patriots, right?” 

And initially I just said “yeah” as in, I hear that this is a mixed message, that somehow you’re trying to honor the sacrifice and martyrdom, while also insinuating that it’s convenient somehow, that it’s a social compact and that he was asking me to agree… to make that compact again and just say it’s ok. 

I got more angry as I sat there, and eventually got up. I handed the baby to my sister and said I have to go. I stormed out of the spa in my swim suit, but basically without clothes. 

I was skateboarding up the street angrily (which is hard to do because you still have to balance), then realized I’d left my friend with my family in an awkward situation.

So I tried to go back, there was construction and suddenly it was more tricky to go back. 

When I got to the parking lot, they were all walking out, and my friend looked fine… so I just turned around and skated towards my car (again, not sure). 

I got “home” and was trying to distract myself on the internet… fuming still. Thinking about how my dad’s anger is what caused the fight, not mine, but wrestling with this reactivity I have… is this ptsd? 

It wasn’t initially any home i'd lived in, but eventually it became the Shelard park apartment, and I decided I’d lock myself in the bedroom. I got in there and there were three bunk beds stripped of sheets. I went to the only other furniture, a large dresser, looking for just a shirt at first - I felt vulnerable being half naked after all. But in the top drawer there were pillows, all variety (like also for couches). I grabbed a few and looked for pillow cases, realizing I had to put some of the pillows back because they didn’t have corresponding pillow cases. Eventually I got two the right fit. 

My dad entered the room. I was still fuming. Irritated more by not being able to find the thing I was looking for. He stood by the bed, and put the pillows on the top bunk.

I grabbed them and threw them on the bottom where I’d been wanting to lay down. He grabbed them again, and put them on the top, saying “are you yourself again?” Or something like that, and I said “yes.” But almost immediately I knew that wasn’t entirely true. I knew that I needed to say I was myself, but that just moments before I’d been questioning why I was soooooo reactive and wanting my dad to be compassionate and empathetic towards my trauma, but in the moment. No. You don’t get to put this on me. 

He indicated with a gesture that he was putting my pillows on the top bunk because he wanted to speak face to face -man to man kind of thing. Then he started saying 

“Your resentment…” and I stopped him “my resentment!!?”  

Rage started pushing through me, he stood between me and the door, and he wanted to blame things on me. The dream didn’t go any further - I woke up funneling all this angry energy…

I think if the dream had gone further, the argument would have been that his anger and resentment was what caused the fight, not mine, and I would have asked him to take responsibility for it. But I still wasn’t even sure what he meant in the hot tub, other than that it had that feeling of wanting me to join a pact in which I was downplaying how I actually felt/thought, in order to appease him. 

My dad doesn’t usually talk like that… sometimes when he is snarky… but it felt more like E’s dad( every time I saw him, or my step dad this last week). 

The feel of “I know better and I’m making you comply before you can think up an excuse to say no.” Once you say yes, you’ll spend your time convincing yourself it’s not that bad, rather than putting up boundaries… foot in the door method. 

I saw some video yesterday about “men who try to do their own work, but end up being manipulated easily because they are willing to question their own behavior, so they easily get lost holding space and caretaking others lack of responsibility.” Seems like that fits. 

Makes me wonder if this anger at my dad and step dad is actually anger at not just them, but all the people in my life that I let take advantage of me…? 

I’m less angry now. I have a cup of coffee in me… but this is the second or third time I’ve woken up from one of these angry dreams. I’m not sure what to do about it. My dad will be very busy this summer mowing lawns. 

If I wrap up my anger baby and treat him gently,… I hear you… you don’t want to do other people’s work for them… you don’t want to collude in systems that don’t feel good, you don’t want to play into their narrative at the expense of your own, you don’t want to be vulnerable and trapped by love that doesn’t feel loving. 

I also woke up with “a war with time” specifically the part where she sings “but I want you to go.” 

Which is odd because I haven’t listened to it much lately. Dreams are funny like that. The part that bothers me is that I have been thinking about time… and how little is left. I missed my dad’s 70th birthday and just celebrated my moms. What if… you know. 

What to make of this time... how to pursue your own path, and also celebrate and hold  onto the relationships that are important to you.

E moved yesterday, and I am pretty sure she didn't ask for any help because her new bf was with her. Moving forward.  What is my next chapter or verse?  I am gonna go to a coffee shop today to write my book. Probably get a hair cut this weekend. See another friend. Maybe go for a walk. Maybe go to church tomorrow. Not much is calling... but I want to dedicate some time to writing, make progress even if it is a little. 

The week back

I am not sure what to say about this week. 

It is Thursday and I have about 4 clients today, so not too busy. I am trying to go to the open mic tonight, not to perform but just to be present in a space with others who are doing creative work. Maybe eventually perform. It feels weird but I need to take the last hour of my day off in order to get there (and fed)  because its from 6-8, with sign up prior to 6pm. But I'd like to be around folks who are trying new things.

Each day this week I've felt a little less disappointed and jaded... but also not quite energized, motivated or creative. Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty full at work. Tuesday I had therapy and it was good to get it out... but I also started trying to reframe the situation. I've complained enough now... now what?

But it was good to have the recognition that the disappointment and feelings that I had not done enough, nor had anyone else, was reminiscent of my childhood... where is the adult who is supposed to fix this?  And that it is my work to sit with and accept that its ok. My mom is ok. My family is ok. Not perfect... not amazing... but good enough.   

My mom said she had a good time, and felt loved, had time with her favorite folks. That's kind of all that matters right?  So my feelings of 'this isn't enough, good enough, etc.' is mine to deal with. 

So yesterday I decided I should start reflecting on the prompt of "if my family is flawed but still loveable, gifted, a blessing, capable of dealing with their own stuff... then can I accept them, and also myself in the same way, not strive for perfection or something different, but deepening in appreciation, accepting, rather than depleting myself and trying to strive for something different. It's difficult... I feel torn between what could be (potential) and what is... and that might be the tension I just have to learn to love.

I am not sure what it all means yet. But I think this spring has been a major wake up of... you're not gonna get what you want from your family, you need to seek that in yourself and outside... and in the meantime, you need to accept and love people for who they are, not their potential.

I am wondering how I let go of control... of desire to have it all perfect.

One of the things that I was noticing a lot in the dynamic was how my step dad's anxiety and shame was coming out sideways into all of these yucky controlling/judgy behaviors and self centeredness. I was especially aware of it because A) I wanted the opposite during a weekend that was supposed to be celebrating my mom, but B) because I see so much of that in myself when I am struggling.  I could see perfectly how my behavior around past relationships might come out in resentment, guilting, judgy, when I felt others weren't stepping up to the table the way I hoped they would.  When I didn't feel appreciated for my contributions. It felt a little middle school -give me attention, or I'll be snarky. I guess we are all going through it... but I always wanted my family to come out on the other side of their own work. I need to remind myself that people are people... that we all have our wounds and challenges. Why do I feel I/we should be exceptions?

I don't know what this means for my Dad and step mom... its still hard to sit with the fact that they basically throw their hands up and say 'yeah nazis are ok as long as they dont hurt me.'

I am not sure if it is the larger picture, or the direct feeling that they hurt me by being this way. You don't believe me. 

They are comfortable moving forward without resolution. Am I?

Maybe I need to drift into some Buddhism or Tao to make it through this era of life.

Not sure what else to say. 

The nights have not been productive, but I have been maintaining. It's been weird to be home alone after time in community. The push pull of attachment. I don't really want to see anyone, and yet I also feel an emptiness. 

I've exercised a small amount, kept up with spanish, made dinner for myself... but I have a handful of things I've been meaning to do and haven't. 

This weekend I am hoping to do some writing on the book... some progress is better than no progress for years. 

Probably also see a friend or two.

Dissatisfied

 Up north for mom’s birthday. Feeling dissatisfied. 

It’s been a wake up call to the dysfunction of our family. 

A year ago she asked us to put it on the calendar, maybe that was too much time, maybe it was just that everyone assumed because she asked for a weekend up north, that was the gift. You know? But she gave us gas money and a year notice. So what did we do? We came up, but without much of a plan, no real gifts or birthday cake or nothing. I bought her something she asked for. Brothers wrote a nice card and said they’d get her car detailed. We wrote out 70+ notes all last minute to say thank you, or memories, or something we appreciated about her. It was a nice gesture, but it was all very last minute. So last minute that members of the family were still making/writing them while she waited on the couch wondering what we were doing. It all worked out…

But I felt like we didn’t do enough. My brothers were all able to share really specific funny memories, my mind doesn’t work that way. It’s all themes and meanings, and the general overview. I don’t recall specific little stories that well. But the pages were good. Lots of art. Lots of nice things. 

My step family was kind of the issue… step brothers unclear on what was happening and what was expected of them, and even then somewhat reluctant? Not really engaged until it became obviously they should be. 

Step dad, barely had any input. Like honestly zero. Every story this weekend had to include his thoughts or his input. Frequently he jumped in to share something going on with his work. It felt odd. And he was crabby part of the time, a lot of it because he wasn’t even sure if his kids were gonna show up. And it was unclear if it was about them, or him, or my mom… like who is causing the distress and poor communication here? 

And the. Privately I heard his complaints about how much it costs to put the kids in a hotel etc… and it felt like it was burdening him, rather than him trying to go out of his way to make my mom happy.  I dunno… I guess what I’m saying is his narcissism is worse than I remember. 

No card or gift in front of the rest of us. No cake or candles… I dunno. I guess I’m disappointed in myself. But I’m also disappointed in us collectively. 

I wished it had been a year of making it meaningful. Instead it was, all last minute “oh by the way, I love you.” Then move on to the next thing. Maybe she just wanted us around… time as a family.

I know everyone is busy all the time. Me too. I know the little ones can be a handful and I also need a break from them sometimes - I dunno… just bugs me.  

Maybe there is also just a realization of my own loneliness, no partner to share things with, no one to take care of or be taken care of. I’m not exactly great at the big romantic gestures myself. Every time I’m up here I’m reminded of past times I’m up here. We went to grand marais yesterday… same thing. Passing through Duluth, same thing. Maybe I’m disappointed, because I’m aware I’m not fully living the life I want to be living either. No one to talk to and debrief with. 

Tomorrow head back to daily life, work stress, groceries etc.  no major plans for a while

Want to write my book, selfishly I’d hoped I’d have time this weekend, but instead been spending time with family and coordinating this book thing everyone was contributing to. My brother cooked dinner the last few nights it was nice. 

I dunno. Hard to slow down and be mindful and positive I guess - when I feel like we didn’t do enough. Don’t deserve it. 

What was great: 

Putting together puzzles and talking to brother J and brother C. Getting to talk to N and N about Mexico City. Spending some time with the kiddos. Talking to mom, as usual. Walking the paths without bugs!!!. The new deck. 

Focus

That's an aspirational title. Right now I feel very unfocused. Multitasking poorly. I took the day off to prep for up north. My mom asked us to go up there as a family for her birthday -so I will leave tomorrow. 3 nights. Sounds like its gonna be in the 40s. There were fires last week. Too dry in May...

I had a dream last night in which I left friends to go on an adventure. I was riding on some sort of train or bus with R, everything I touched felt oily and gross, and I felt suffocated as people came aboard. I decided that I needed to get off and walk home, though I wasn't really sure where I was. Eventually I gave R some money to give to someone else (the teacher maybe?). It was kind of a weird thing, not sure who that other person was. Once I got off the train/bus, I checked my phone and realized I was much further away than I'd thought. I was in a city -one of those far off suburbs that became an exurb, and then a suburb, so it has its own history and culture. I was curious. Maybe I'll walk through this city, and then when I get closer to things that are familiar I'll take a bus -I figured. But before I could, I needed to say goodbye to the LNAS folks... where did they come from? No idea, but they were dillydallying. We were in A's apartment I think, and I hadn't seen some of these teachers in years. I was checking in, but not really wanting to get into anything. I was eager to get on my adventure. I said my goodbyes. V told me to get jamaican food or something. I had two paths in mind, one led through a park, the other through an old downtown (like mainstreet).  

When I woke up, I thought it was interesting how in both cases I felt so uncomfortable amongst friends. I was ready for an adventure. I was eager to get away. 

Though I am wanting to celebrate my mom, I kind of feel similarly about this weekend. If I had 5 days off, I'd spend it writing my book. I am hoping to, for part of my time... but being surrounded by others doesn't lead to that usually. 

I am listening to tarot right now. She is like "not internal reflection, outward action."  I am doing the opposite today. My personal spread was Hermit, Star, Fool, High Priestess, Devil, underlying Ace of Pentacles. Almost all major arcana. Maybe that means something. 

My plans for today... do some Spanish. Work on a gift. Go to the bank and get gas. Maybe take a walk. Not much else. I might watch Foundation while I work on the gift... I had considered going to a coffee shop to brainstorm ideas, but I think that was just an excuse to get out of my apartment. 

Everything is so expensive now. 

This week was pretty busy. 5-6 meetings each day. I finished up my notes last night and felt relieved. I need a break. Yesterday I had 6 guys, 4 of them between 50-mid 70s. Cranky in all different ways. I can see myself becoming that if I am not careful. 

Not sure what else to day... I guess my brain isn't fully on...