The story I tell myself

I am noticing that I am caught up in story so much these days. That I tell a story in my head, and then when I challenge that story, another story appears, and so on and so forth. Talking to myself all day. Talking to myself as if there is a problem to be solved and when I can’t solve the problem, it must be that I am the problem.  Part of me wants to focus on and pathologize this way of thinking, this endless loop. And complain and share about it. Part of me wants to judge myself, condemn myself, jump to life altering conclusions (eg, this is why you’ll never have a good relationship, this is why you shouldn’t be a therapist, this is why you don’t deserve anything, this is why no one loves you.) and then again, another part wants to challenge that by replacing it with the flip side (they are too much, ask too much, expect too much and don’t provide enough etc). But I feel stuck in shame and guilt in these thought patterns, and I know that my mind does this so that I don’t have to feel something else… that it’s preferable to feel shame where at least I can blame myself or them, rather than feel loss? 

From a Taoist or Buddhist point of view, the thinking and fixing and seeking and story telling is the problem. It’s not that I or they are bad, but that thinking this way will always lead to struggle… attachment to a story (good bad or meaningless) is still attachment. Seeking out a problem to solve naturally means that things aren’t ok, so you are trapped in a feeling of things being not ok. 

But I find myself wondering if that is also bypassing… seeking out a framework in which I don’t have to make a decision or experience discomfort. So that I don’t have to set a boundary or experience loss directly. So that I don’t have to find a solution, hold them or myself accountable. 

Eg. I feel mistreated, maybe it’s my fault and I need to make amends, maybe it’s their fault and they need to make amends, maybe if I just accept that people are mistreated sometimes and it’s no one’s fault, I can let go and maintain the relationship… maybe I could also just acknowledge that feeling mistreated in a relationship might mean you let go of the relationship and I don’t have to feel responsible, and can focus instead on the relationships I do want to invest in? 

All the maybes and ifs, the uncertainty and doubt and fear and judgment… they just roll around again and again. 

Maybe I am bored not exhausted, maybe I am overwhelmed or traumatized, not being a brat, maybe I am a brat and want people to feel sorry for me, maybe I am unsure how to connect or don’t trust the connection because I’ve been wronged? I don’t know…

I just don’t know. I know that is why I want to abandon all my responsibilities and connections and run away. 

I know this isn’t the first or last time I’ve written this same thing… that it’s been going on forever. And that I’ve had these insights and realizations a dozen times… it’s annoying. 

urgency and anxiety

 

It's Sunday 11/8/26 around 2:44 PM and I've accomplished most of what I set out to do today. 

There is fresh food in the fridge and the cupboards are full. The closet is full of clean clothes, and the towels are in the washer. The floor is clean, though there may be dust around on the surfaces I never touch. The bills are paid, though a little could get transferred to pay off the credit card. The week ahead doesn't look so busy. Neither does the one following. Or really any ahead in general. 

 I didn't see any of my friends or family this weekend. Though I have plans to this week. I went to a protest for like 3 hours yesterday surrounded by people, got to see some of downtown St. Paul I haven't seen in a while. Did some walking. listened to some great music and danced. Took a bite of a free hotdog and reminded myself I hate hot dogs.  

Got a massage today. It felt great. I took out the garbage and the recycling. I can do 15 minutes of spanish or a single lesson. I could go for a walk again, check out the falling yellow leaves. I could drink more coffee. 

I got that tooth fixed, already through with the antibiotics and have probiotics ready for the next few days, and fruits and veggies to rebuild the microbiome. 

The dems won so strongly, sending a signal... no more fascism and if he doubles down, well... then there is an entire nation ready to say no. 

So why do I always feel behind? Feel on high alert all the time. Feel like there are too many tasks on my list to feel calm. Feel like I am fucking up?  Feel like there must be a reason for the spikes of worry. I've been running into this OCD thing again... that maybe its just become my personality, always replaying conversations in my head, checking for mistakes, worrying that I've fucked something up and everyone will hate me. Has it become so routine, that it doesn't even feel alarming? That an alarm is blaring so much that I've sort of forgotten that hum isn't something natural. Like when the vents are blowing and then suddenly shut off, and you hear silence... and you go... holy fucking shit. 

I think of how hard I make it for others. All these moral judgments of myself, these boundaries that feel like laws of nature. Cross one and find out. I had a bite of a hot dog, and worried I'd have to spit it out. I reminded myself other people are eating this, it isn't poisoned. How much greater the alarm when someone I love transgresses and sees my doubting face. 

I was thinking about how I could never call E pretty, or beautiful. Not that she wasn't, but that I felt worried that if I lied even once, I wouldn't be able to sit with it. I look at pictures of us, and think wow. I really loved that woman. But I wouldn't have called her beautiful in that moment, because I called M beautiful and found out I was lying to myself, and the transgression left me so on edge that I couldn't deal with it. It was the mixed feelings. The being so attracted to someone and also so worried. I was thinking this morning that I wish I had at least told E that if there had been a room full of the most beautiful people on earth, I'd still have spent my time looking at her, enjoying her presence, called to her. It would have been true, even if I stole glances at another. I wasn't interested in any other.  I wanted her to shine bright. 

I think it might have been one or two of the worst years of her life, and it changed things. I find it funny now because I have access to all of that love of her as a person, but when I talk to her I don't feel it in the moment - there is a distance now. That's how I knew it was time to move on. And I am glad she is... because I didn't want to dim her light and I know by the end I was as much part of that dimming as the illness. All my judgements, all my controlling, all my inability to be free and impulsive, to be excited, ecstatic... too much worry.  She often wouldn't tell me how she felt until I'd told her. We were playing the same game... is it safe?

This week I've been considering how I want to respond to my step mom. She wrote an email last week. In it, she said she'd been respecting my distance and that she would continue to do so unless I wanted to be invited back onto the family group chat. The truth is that it felt really good to be asked. The truth is that part of me didn't feel worthy of it. The truth is that when I searched my feelings after what she shared, I still didn't trust her or want a relationship with her. So I've been wrestling all week. I thought, maybe after election night, maybe after a few days, my current theory is that I need to do some journaling or writing about it, which I've been avoiding this weekend -playing games and watching movies instead, and then have breakfast with my brother tomorrow before making a decision. But I find myself just as angry sometimes as the day we fought. In her email she said she was trying to keep the peace. That politics and religion and abortion are topics that shouldn't be brought up because they divide us. That despite what she had said, she wasn't trying to make herself the victim. 

I replay the conversation over and over even though it was 8 months ago (?)... and I don't believe her. I think she shared what she meant... and I think I find it repulsive. I don't think she is taking accountability for her point of view, I don't think she is curious or empathetic to mine... I think she is calling for a lasting ceasefire...

My therapist suggested 'you still have this desire to save your dad, but I don't pick that up with her... when you were a kid, it wasn't your choice to bring her into your life, it's your choice whether you continue to have her.'  and it was weird to hear her voice these things... because it sounded mean. It sounded mean (and my internal obsessive ethics say that's not allowed...). But if my hurt and pain are not respected, if my livelihood and community are disrespected (at best), and her solution is put your beliefs and values and experience on hold while we talk... then why do I owe her anything? That's not a relationship. That's going through the motions to appease. That's avoidance and fawning. 

Are there things I can respect and honor in her? sure. But would I choose to hang out with someone that was ok with someone I love being hurt? Or worse, back it -No idea if she actually is a trump supporter but she doesn't criticize him -where as she would criticize Joe Biden. I mean... it's one thing if it's at work. It's another thing to want to break bread with people who fundamentally see the world in a very different and very dangerous way. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt... maybe they just don't know better. But they aren't choosing to learn... so meh. I didn't choose her to be part of my life. I don't owe her anything. I need the information for my phone... that's about it. 

But this wasn't what I wanted to talk about yet... that topic was to be saved for later. No what I wanted to talk about is the idea of what freedom looks like on the other side of this anxiety... 

And I don't know. 

The other day I was thinking that if either of my parents died, I'd probably go travel again. Not likely the other one would pass immediately right? I was thinking I am turning 43 in a few months, and if this is my one precious life... then what do I have that I really value enough to hold onto it?  

I have a business, but I can already tell it won't last in its current iteration... I just don't know what the next pivot is. I have an apartment I am done with. Books and clothes and art supplies I can get rid of. I have no pets. I see friends maybe once a week or every other week. I go to events by myself. I don't see my family all that much. I am not invested in a community here... so maybe its time to go travel again? Not that it has been helpful for maintaining or investing in community. But if I get to 45 and life looks the same?  I am ready for a year in India, maybe slowly making my way east into Indonesia.  It will be hot. It will be humid. It will be dysentery. There will be pollution and bugs. Maybe I'll never come back. But that would be something right?

What do I want to do before I die if I don't have a family?  I want to finish my book. I want to see more of the world. I am a single person adrift.

I could work abroad. I could volunteer or take a course. 

The longer I am a therapist, the more disillusioned I am with the field, maybe I am just not good at it. Maybe people are complex and we are fooling ourselves. When folks are motivated it is easy. When folks are struggling, a therapist isn't gonna be enough to make it better. We walk along side with whatever expertise we have, but... meh. 

And the world is getting more and more unnatural, and that means we will face bigger and bigger consequences, and to pretend like that can be salved with some thoughts or behavioral coping skills? 

Either creation is perfect with all its blemishes, or its broken and unfixable. And I believe both... and I know I will continue to mend where I can, but I don't think being in denial is helping.  Name it aloud, admire it's brokenness... my life is either gonna get more spiritual or its gonna become more despair... that is, if I am alone. 

I keep thinking about how easy it feels when you meet someone... not that I don't continue to constantly worry, but that in my worry, I also have more hope... the despair is shared? 

I think part of why my job is not sustainable, is that I don't have a community or family to balance it. I go from having these worries, problem solving, listening and holding all day, to staying stuck in my own shit all night... but anyway... this realization I had that if suddenly one of my parents died, I'd probably say fuck it, and leave... made me realize I am still playing out this 'be a good boy' shit. Like I am trying to hold this life I've cobbled together -together, but I don't even really like it. All my attention is on sustaining... I like my job, but it isn't life giving. I like my apartment, but it isn't life giving. I like my routines, my rules, my blah blah blah... but they aren't really life giving -they are the things I do to survive and not feel overwhelmed. Prep for the week ahead. Prep for the day ahead. Prep for the decade ahead. But in the moment?   

Its3:37 I have approximately 3 things to do. 1) a few minutes of spanish 2) a few minutes of paperwork 3) feed myself dinner and maybe do the dishes.   I know I can accomplish all of that easily... but to fill the time of my life -without worry... I will spend at least 5 hours distracting myself or napping. Ignoring the life I have worked so hard to sustain. 

From this morning Spyhouse on Hennepin, 10/31/26

1) I am journaling because I’d like to settle down and get to writing creatively at some point.

Just went for an 8 am walk with my Dad because he has 8 lawns to mow and is worried about money. 8 am, but he showed up at 8:15. We walked around the lake. He asked me about my mental health, I said it was fine, but hard to trust or predict or make assumptions about the future. He asked, hard to trust me, or things in general or the world? I said yes.

He said he was worrying about how to move forward with the holidays coming up, said maybe he’d been spending too much time on the lawns or the grandkids, or worrying about money and hadn’t spent enough investing in figuring things out (or at least implied this before trailing off…) I said I was thinking about it too.

I asked him where my step mom was at. He said, basically that she though he should push back a little on the bullet points, and that she felt I was the one who started it… and that we should be able to have differences of opinion. There was another point, but I forgot. I said, I wasn’t defensive before starting this, but I am now because that was exactly where she was, and where I pushed back earlier this year. (So nothing has changed with her. And they are expecting me to do all the work. She gets to play victim, rather than take responsibility -didn’t say this out loud because I’ve already said it multiple times.)

He said basically that he wasn’t good at conveying her points for her and that I should. I said, I’m always the one who has to cross that bridge. He said only a few times. I said dozens, you just didn’t know or remember. I asked him why he consoles her and then comes to me and asks me to apologize, he said I can only think of that happening twice. I said, it happens all the time. And asked him why he doesn’t tell her to fight her own battles. And pointed out that when I asked her to write a letter to clarify her positions 6 months ago he told me I should be the one to do it. (Which again, I have been).

He said that she has a different opinion, perspective and that should be ok. I said her opinion hurts me, so its ok for me to not have a relationship with someone who hurts me.

If she can’t have empathy for my life or the things that impact me then we don’t have a relationship. Which is fine.

He said, its just politics or something. I said its not just politics, politics impacts my life and people I care about. The politics they are rooting for is destroying our country. I asked him what institutions or systems he actually believes in, and he couldn’t give me any. Said he was cynical of all of it. And I said yup and that means you look out for yourself because you can’t depend on anyone, so we don’t have a society anymore. He said something about -you think the democrats are gonna save things. I said theyre a last chance to make a correction because there is no conservative party, the democrats are basically conservatives, (not these words), and that they are fighting for basics, but yall treat them like they are extremists. Gave examples of school lunches, medical care, green energy, corruptions, prisons, jobs etc. Meanwhile the republicans are just being racist, grifting and comparing butts. Trump is threatening to Nuke Iran and no one in his party stops him, so it isn’t just politics its our lives. And basically we ended with out him saying anything but recognizing there was a gap (presumably) and probably him thinking about the lawns he needs to mow because his wife spends their money on shit he doesn’t care about and his daughter uses them for daycare because she can’t pay her own bills.

Overly simplified, their way of seeing the world warps my reality, and I can’t be around it. Overly simplified, my dad chooses her, and asks me to be the adult in the relationship while claiming its all about personal responsibility. My dad is working long days -probably because he wants to -while complaining about not having enough money because his wife and daughter spend all of it, but rather than asking them to take responsibility he puts his head down, or blames other people for his problems. No consistency. No accountability. No reality. All warped…



2) Went to Barebones Halloween show with a friend last night at Powderhorn. It was different than when it was at the river and I was struggling a bit with the changes. It seemed more open, more family friendly and a little less about a celebration of death and renewal. They had a vaguely political part where all the butterflies try to fight the centipede that stands for destruction. I think it makes sense that they needed to honor the experience of the moment, while also reminding people of larger cycles… I guess I was just aware of the differences. My friend, having never gone, was not so aware. I think she was glad to be a spectator, but it wasn’t personal or moving to her. I remember going with a different friend years ago and it feeling really deep and emotional, whereas this felt more like a show. I was trying to just let the experience be what it was… but there was a level of recognition that you have to go to things with the people who will get it, and maybe I don’t have that many people who get the things I am interested in (like creatively/spiritually). Not that the time was bad, I really enjoyed our discussion of all the worlds ills etc.. just noticing slight differences. Its kind of like that in life right? Never know who should be invited to what, what their experience will be, how do you not allow their experience to influence yours? Its not that I want everyone to have my experience, but with the things that feel sacred, I want to experience my awe, joy and delight.



3) I keep alternating between angry and sad with my dad and step mom. Desire to disconnect, desire to be seen. I think about how my dad was the go between, and how that probably has always made it worse. How when we had visits he would drive us to burger king and then drop us off. Where was the step mom investing in us -trying to build or repair a relationship that had been damaged by her actions? She was already in her own trauma space before we got upset or angry enough to say or do anything. She was already expecting him to step in and mediate, or expecting us to hide parts of ourselves to suit her. He said ‘she wonders why you always bring these things up when it upsets you (and her)? Why bring up life and society when someone could get upset? Shove it inside, pretend like its fine, hide, don’t be genuine about the things you care about - its upsetting to me (her voice). Yeah, then we don’t have a relationship.

It isn’t that she can’t be sweet, warm, welcoming. Its that she can only do that if it doesn’t impact her sense of security… so its not genuine, it’s a part she is playing, and expecting others to play.



4) I have been mostly feeling pretty good lately. Even now, I am not feeling off… just angry and hurt. But I am not going into my little kid self.

5) Yesterday in the energy work… I was so self conscious of about three things… A) being on my back and falling asleep and snoring, B) sleep apnea… I am pretty sure I stop breathing regularly. I think she interprets it as a place I got stuck energetically and that might also be true. Every time I found myself drifting, entering dream land or just not present to the moment I found I’d stop breathing naturally. C) There was some level of just physically being held… like a little kid… like I would hold a kid, lovingly, gentle, no bad intentions… and it made me miss being held. When was the last time I was held? And at one point when I complained that I was feeling so relaxed I might fall asleep and she said go ahead… I was suddenly flooded with all these memories of times when I have held someone as they fell asleep, comforted someone when they woke up to a violent memory/dream… how much love I felt for them, how much concern… how I just wanted to take away all that pain from their bodies and let them trust that I cared, would protect them. I think only one of my exes didn’t wake up to nightmares kicking… and it made me miss loving… and also made me wonder why I’ve never been told by someone else its ok, I’ll protect you when you sleep, when you have nightmares, when you’re afraid with all those thoughts you can’t stop… I’ll just hold you. She pressed on a bunch of places just above my heart, and each one ached… even though she wasn’t pressing very hard. They were just stuck spots of so much pain and love, and holding… and I started crying again thinking about how resistant to being loved I have felt… and I missed E. But I also wondered at what point it switched from feeling like she was loving towards me to she thought I was the enemy… and the same with all of them… that at some point I wasn’t the one they loved even if they said they did. And I had to protect myself instead of holding them… because if I held them they’d kick harder.

I walked out of feeling lighter, more open to love, but also just really sad about lost love.

Its been about an hour. I should probably read or do some creative writing.

6) A bit later… I keep thinking about… well if my Dad doesn’t trust or believe or hope in a future that is better. If he can only trust in himself and his family… then why would we trust his leadership? … further, if he says he trusts in us, invests in us, but then spends all his time working landscaping jobs to keep himself busy and have enough cash on the side… (which we have talked about for years means he isn’t investing in us)… is this just another example of him being stuck? He hasn’t graduated into wisdom… hasn’t stepped up into taking on a different role, still clinging to a form of productivity and providing… rather than supporting in other ways. Maybe this is also the legacy of hearing loss. “what good am I? ---I’ll show it with my work.”




I basically spent the day in bed. I stopped at chipotle and the bank, and the grocery store. Did my spanish. Stayed in bed, napped, woke up around 6:30. Now for some reason I am making ribs which takes 3 hours... so I'll try to be creative. I talked to my mom for awhile sitting in my car at the grocery store. When I got in the door I just felt kind of defeated, like whats the point.

I was considering going to Rocky Horror tonight... but dont really want to be around people.

Longing for Aeyla (From Martin Prechtel)

(He basically tells the story of falling in love for the first time (13 -crush) on a girl he saw in the distance, and in the absence of knowing anything about her, fantasized a perfect being, a divine counterpart. Not a human. Not an actual partner to love. But a stand in for the divine, the perfection we all crave and are driven by. He makes the argument that this kind of longing should be encouraged and shifted toward an understanding of the divine, by wise elders who intervene (not to discourage) but keep them separate, help them imagine and grow in their longing for a deeper divine, and express it in creativity and spirituality and renewal of the community and the relationship to the divine (and also not let them actually become partners unless they are initiated past this stage of their development).

He acknowledges that in modern culture we rob kids of both of these things, distract them with pop culture and consumerism, so that instead of glowing and expressing their love/grief longing for the divine, they are sucked into shallowness. And that a different form of squashing might also just be to dismiss the puppylove, the romantic in haste, appeal to logic or certainty… or a third way to destroy the spirit would be to let the lovers burn out, and be appalled when they realize neither is divine, and neither is really fully human yet either… (adolescents).

But that the longing for the divine should be nourished and encouraged… oh. Simplicity was never caught, sometimes I hope she’ll never be.

I worry I’ve forgotten how to seek the spark of the divine in my actual life, that instead I cultivate it when I am working… or staring at strangers but not seeking in new people or relationships. Maybe that’s what I keep ‘waiting for’ some spark of the divine… maybe that’s the wrong way to seek love. Maybe love is a business transaction.

Who is Aeyla?  (which is apparently pronounced like eye-la) whereas I’d find it more divine to say A-la.

nostalgia

 

It's funny how the waves come and go. You know. They say it has to do with the moon. Yet question how the planetary alignment at the time of one's birth could exude any kind of influence on the you, you'd become. You've become you. Funny, and true?

Its a Thursday night. I've seen 20 clients this week, I suppose a couple were couples... so more like 22 so far. Had a new client today. Have three old clients tomorrow. 

I didn't go to trivia on Tuesday because I was tired. 

I didn't go to open mic tonight because I wasn't motivated. 

I started a book I'd been looking forward to last weekend, and haven't gotten through the second chapter. 

I was hoping to have a crush on someone new... I think they might be a lesbian. 

I've been chatting with an ex who is pregnant, and wondering if another ex is pregnant. 

Someone came up on my instagram feed as suggested, and I thought they'd blocked me... but maybe I looked them up too many times and it is just giving me a taste I wasn't sure I really wanted. The idea of someone not hating me is so lifegiving. 

I want to be the companion to someone else's drama, instead of my own. I want to have something to live for. 

I feel so grateful and appreciative of all the wondrous people and places and things I've done...so many pleasant, warming memories. But I spend my nights glued to a phone, and don't always return people's texts. 

Tomorrow I see the energy worker again, followed by dinner and a puppet show in a park. 

Saturday? Maybe Rocky Horror if I feel up for it. Sunday, maybe a walk with my Dad.

I have to figure out Thanksgiving. I have to figure out if I have a place in my family, or even want one. 

I want to run away... Its not that I don't love my life, I just could imagine a better one... and I am not sure how to bridge the divide between my wants and my realities. 

The tarot cards keep spitting out that its near. How many years...

Slow weekend

 I felt like I had a lot going on this weekend, but ultimately it ended up feeling slow and kind of forgettable. 

On Friday I had a thc beverage, kind of knocked me out and then I woke up at like midnight and didn’t get back to bed till 4. Saturday went to a quick visibility demonstration on lake and Chicago, lots of honking, lots of nice people. Grabbed groceries. Went to see a movie. This morning had book club with Morris folks for the first time, wasn’t sure what to share. Felt fun though. Then I had a massage booked but I forgot my wallet. Paid the cancellation fee. Did some reading finished a DA. This week has 25 booked but last week I had at least one cancellation each day. 

Friday gonna go see barebones at powderhorn. Saturday maybe rocky horror at Grandview? Sunday maybe a walk?

I dunno. I keep wondering how anything would change. 

I feel like I either have to make a decision to live differently, or join something routinely, or let the world change around me, or just keep going and be dissatisfied. Would I want to spend the rest of my life this way? Not really. But what am I willing to do about that? I’m not even sure what I want. Maybe run away to India or south east Asia…. But the world is getting more dangerous, climate change alone is making things feel so unpredictable. Riots and protests all over Europe and South America. 

Maybe in a few weeks we will have a new government… but until I join a commune or run away, I’m not sure what to do… 

I feel like I am open… but am I? Today I ended up having like 8 hours and chose to sit around my house. Took a nap. Didn’t really want to interact with anyone. 

Maybe it’s cuz I have a busy week ahead. Maybe I’m just full of complaints. 

longing

 Just missing loving someone, having partnership. 

Reclaim the light

 

I woke up late today. Felt unprepared for my first session. Found myself doing the thing that I was complaining about in the last post (the therapist/speakers sharing their own stuff). 

Felt weird about it, but reminded myself I am not responsible for others, that things are not up to me, and that sometimes I am just a cog in the universal machine.

Later it occurred to me that this is what it feels like when I am looking for the adult. I am waiting for someone to be the guide... because I feel young. I want someone to help me through the experience, or tell me what to do. I want to trust in the adults around me, but instead of just seeing them as they are, I have this expectation that they be better... that I be better. And that if they can't be, then I cannot trust them and need to pull away. 

Last session was difficult. People wrestling with their core wounds, lashing out, defensive, reactive, desiring nothing more than to be told they are ok, loveable, good, capable, but instead wounding one another and reinforcing the wounds in themselves. 

-I am overly reminded of all my relationships.  My mom says she would stop them, ask them how they get back to their vulnerable self, to make it safe again in the room. It's hard for me to say, actually mom I think they are being honest in the room because they are being so dishonest outside of it.

Last night, I had this weird anxiety dream. It was something like my office, or home, and there were people around and everyone was talking about a mistake I had made. It might have been a tragic mistake even. The people -who were all my friends and family, were talking about it, kind of, not talking to me, not talking about me necessarily. To some extent, I felt like a ghost in their presence. In some ways it actually felt like that -that I was attending the gathering in my space after the tragedy. So I wasn't part of the conversation or defending myself to them, though I may have been internally. Instead, I just noticed that every surface of the space was covered in this deep dust... inches thick, like the volcano had gone off... like there were years of neglect that had led to this. It wasn't described by others, it was like everyone could see it, but no one would name it. Like "duh." But no one was talking about what could have caused me to neglect this space that I should have been able to keep up, no one was acknowledging their role in it either. 

When I woke up, I just had these images of the dust, almost like decaying skin, decaying flesh. The inevitable accumulation of time and neglect. There was a tragedy unnamed. It didn't have to be this way. Not that decay isn't inevitable, but that this was supposed to be a life giving space, and it was let go of... where was the attention and energy turned to?  Where was the support that would have imposed a different way? Why didn't anyone know?

My mom shared a video with me, an interview with Parker Palmer. They are talking about depression, regret, social cruelty. He shares his poem (Harrowing) in which the narrator talks about pulling up the weeds "Looking for the roots of what went wrong" and plowing the fields every year "to unearth last year's reasons..."  and realizing that this process is actually scarring, painful, not helpful... acceptance of what is, and letting things grow is ultimately the healing/growth etc. "The farmer plows to plant a greening season."  (as opposed to what he'd been doing which is just scarring the land).

Do I just focus on what is wrong all the time, rather than plowing to plant a greening season? 

Or am I trying to keep things from going to dust, so I stir them up because no one else will?

Sunday night and the feelings meh

 

I spent most of the weekend in a training. The training is about supporting people in resourcing their self when experiencing dissociation, and it is hilarious to me how much of the time in the training I feel like dissociating. Part of that is because I am bored. Part of that is because there are things going on in my mind, and when I am not in a clear role and don't have a lot to do, I internalize. So I might spend an hour waking up and being irritable, and then an hour or two being a good engaged student, and then another hour being restless and struggling with whatever is happening internally. Or trying not to be reactive to whatever is happening externally. 

15 hours is a long time to be in a situation in which stuff is taught like its brand new (because it is for some). For me, so much of this training and the way I already work with people is already present, that it just feels like someone reinforcing you... hour after hour. And there is this desire not to bring up questions that might get the trainers off track telling stories, and this desire to not ask a question that is too leading or too early (oh we'll get to that in week three). So I just kind of sit there getting restless.

The part that is the most helpful is the small groups. But I have two fairly likeminded people in my small group and everyone brings good stuff. They are both queer trans identifying and 10-15 years younger than me, so its a weird thing where I am going through my trauma/ocd stuff but also the oldest... and I am very knowledgeable, but they are super knowledgeable about their roles and training... so it ends up being an excellent 30 minutes or whatever, but then we are back to 4-5 more hours. 

I felt like the trainers were struggling more this weekend with their own desire to be seen and hear. One of them's voice kept quivering on and off and she seemed like she was going through some stuff. The other kept barging in and giving long examples. At one point they both were telling stories of people they have worked with who have had serious trauma, and it felt a little like they were doing the thing that they were teaching against, falling into the trauma/problem oriented stuff because they were still wrestling with the suffering of others. Not to blame them, but it just felt like -oooh that's why you are teaching this...  And I suppose I've done the same a million times... but it felt weird that they were carving out time for their own stuff rather than making more room for the students to process their own stuff... I guess. The whole weekend seemed to be that they were telling people there isn't a right way, we have some guiding principles... and then not necessarily being able to follow their own principles at times. 

When I first started taking the training a month ago, I was considering whether I could get trained up to teach it. I know the information... seems easy enough to just jump in and present it from a different paradigm. To some extent that idea was holding me through the boredom. But I think this weekend reinforced that these people won't be my saviors or mentors either. They are just people. They don't have a magical way forward. 

Today introduced two things that I've thought about before, but were explicitly important for me today.

1) Just the general idea of -if you were free and not living out of your programming right now, how would you think/respond/act etc. 

2) When facing things, try to consider a third option so you don't automatically go into dual thinking, good bad, right wrong. 

Since Friday's little episode, I've been struggling to figure out what I am supposed to do with these ways my mind still works. I laughed out loud this morning when I checked the stove before leaving even though it isn't a gas stove and also that has never been a compulsion of mine (except in the moment). It just seemed hilarious that I was doing one of the stereotypical OCD things without even meaning to. But today in the training I was trying to sus out and argue in my head whether I should label something trauma or OCD, and one of my small group members who is currently getting trained in the ERP (exposure and response prevention) the gold standard for OCD treatment was able to name a bunch of things that I was just like -yeah that see that is what I am dealing with!  but my therapist had said something last week that made it seem like she just saw it a trauma response.  But I am like... uh its both?

The thing about the episode on friday is that I am actually dealing with something that I don't talk about with people -that I did really do. I did something bad, and its been weighing on me for decades, and it reinforces this belief that I had already been experiencing and that was driving me nuts, and I am just trying to figure out if I can go on living without naming and taking responsibility for these behaviors or if I need to work through them and take responsibility -even if there are consequences in order to be free of the larger set of circumstances... does that make sense?  

Its kind of like:

I thought A already proved B(bad), but I was mistaken. Then I did C which does indicate B, so B felt even more confirmed. Then I found out A wasn't real, but I'd already done C. So can I let go of B? 

Prior to C, I had already committed myself to D which would indicate notB. But when I realized C and B I doubled down... it was like DD but that ended up hurting me. And now I am trying to tell myself you don't need to be DD and A doesn't equal B, but C is still impacting -so you maybe have to take responsibility for C and deal with the consequences if that means B.

The problem is that A still comes up and tells me B... like Friday. So it kind of feels like I am just adding consequences to the misery fire.  

So like... what would it mean to feel free? 

I am tempted to do a big brainstorm on paper, or write a letter, or something. 

I keep playing out conversations in my head with my therapist, wondering if I can trust her in being capable of holding compassion, and non judgement towards me -knowing well enough that I will be judging myself through the whole thing.  I think about how I approach clients who have shared difficult times of compulsive behavior or moral injury -actions they have taken that they feel awful about and that go against their morals. I trust them. I believe they are sorry. I don't need to question them...

Part of what A did so long ago, is that it convinced me there is no space for that in my life and that I needed to hide who I was in order to not be perceived as B. This is the part my therapist would say was based in trauma, even if the reinforcement mechanism was OCD.  She'd say you learned to present yourself one way so that you could stay in relationship, because you were afraid you wouldn't get your needs met otherwise. 

The thing that is hard about that is that A become a series of things that she doesn't necessarily believe in -meaning like religious beliefs and compulsions... so when I say these things, her programming is already judgy towards it. Not me, but it. So I have to hold space for my truth -which is that it was important to me, even if it wasn't helpful all the time...  because it still is. 

Anyway... my therapist holds a lot of compassion for me... but I don't fully trust her. So I keep having convos with her in my head trying to prove, trying to test, trying to figure out how I can tell her -to not be judged. Because if I am judged... I am not sure I know how to recover.

So I saw both parents this weekend. 

I walked the lake with my dad and we mostly talked about non personal things. 

My brother apparently had to go to urgent care or the ER thinking he was poisoned or something, but is on antibiotics and expected to get better. My Dad says he has a skin condition that can sometimes indicate liver disease or cancer, but doesn't really want to do a colonoscopy.  -part of me wonders if he is more sick because we have been fighting (when I went to Europe the first time he lost like 30 lbs). 

I went to a crappy solidarity protest no kings thing yesterday. I've been annoyed that there isn't more active resistance going on. But I think people are basically feeling like MN is on the same page and going to vote in all the Dems and then everything will go back to normal... which is stupid. 

I did a lot of distracting/avoiding. I didn't clean the carpet. Didn't clean the windows or the mirrors. Didn't read. Barely journaled. Didn't do anything creative. Took a nap from 4:30-8 today. 

I am mostly prepared for the week -which doesn't look too hard. I have this dental surgery thing on Thursday that I am not looking forward to. 

A number of things this coming weekend, hoping to get some books in the mail for the book club next Sunday. 

Time goes by and things mostly stay the same.

I keep wondering how stuff could change if I don't invest or try new things, while also feeling (lately) very avoidant of investing or trying new things. 

Magical thinking, waiting for someone to pluck me.