End of day.

 Three posts yikes.

I’m lonely. 

Today I did that online church, then spent an hour marching in north east. There was a smaller crowd, not sure if it’s cuz I’ve been going to ones in south and st, paul or if folks are tired/hoping it’s over. The folks hiding behind their windows did not appear to believe it was over. They were happy and waved to us. 

So I ended up getting groceries and then spending most of the day avoiding the work I needed to do and dragging it into forever… like 6 progress notes took me over two hours because I stopped to watch stuff on YouTube and my phone and sang along to music and tried to play guitar for two minutes and it was entirely just dragging my feet. Still have a DA I need to do before Wednesday. And some other stuff. Tomorrow 6 clients. Tuesday 5, but one is an intake. So… basically I’m saying it’s gonna be busy. 

I really love cover songs. 

Loneliness… I dunno it’s struck me off and on all day. How I miss sharing life with someone. Miss caring about them, and looking out for them. Miss them doing the same for me. Miss brainstorming and tagteaming stuff, miss companionship. Miss the ability to worry about someone else instead of me. Miss having someone to share my long held secrets, or my whims, the song I love right now. I think most of all, I miss having a direction. Or at least an idea of one. I mean, my life is fine but it’s stagnant now. I could buy a house or make more money, or start new projects or even create something to change the world… but I have accepted that I impact people as part of my life, and likely will… so now it’s just… ok then what? What about investing more deeply? What about expanding beyond one generation? What about cocreating? I don’t really want to join an organization. I want a partner. I want a family. I feel left out. And stuck. I’m the person that shows up 20 minutes late to a protest, and joins the march, and shouts along, and waves to the people behind the windows… and it doesn’t matter, because I’m a body, not part of it. 

I also miss traveling. But that was my experience the last time I traveled. Seeing and experiencing beautiful things, but having no one to share them with. Learning, reflecting, crying, smiling and then not talking to anyone for weeks. My mom and Grant are in Argentina and chile, and I miss it soooooo much. I keep having little memories and little visions of sensations. Or I dunno what to call it. But if I went back, it would not be the same. I loved the first three months I was in South America, but they were nothing in comparison to the last three after meeting J. 

I miss getting to be a partner. I do miss touch too, but it’s odd… I think the thing I was missing today more than any of that is just having another person as part of your heart/‘mind. Like not specifically being side by side, but knowing that that is the default… not being alone. 

Bill Maher was talking about how Gen Z doesn’t have sex anymore… and said that like 25% of the adult population in that age range hadn’t had sex in over a year or something to that extent… I have been that part of the population many times. 

I don’t know what will change. I think the movie last night and other stuff kind of has been freaking me out and making me think of dying more. I keep thinking that if I died or went to the hospital or got arrested, no one would know for days. Including my clients which is really bad on my part. I need to assign people to the role, but I don’t know who I could rely on for that. 

I keep thinking about E and whether I fucked up by letting go. But I also felt like I wasn’t thriving in that relationship, I was slowly sinking. I feel like she is doing a lot better now and it’s good.  

But how to move on in life? I dunno. 

Maybe I need to put my phone in grayscale, apparently that makes it less addictive. 

To old friends

 I just looked at statcounter, which I probably do a handful of times a year. And saw someone reading stuff from 2002-2003, and I went back and looked at some of that and it was so embarrassing and cringe.  So I am sorry to whichever old friend of mine stumbled onto this. I hope I didn’t say anything mean… Z? P?

I often wonder what people would think. I sometimes wonder if people will find this when I die. Someone will remind people and it will come out, and folks will have second hand embarrassment for my dead ass. 

I’m sure there are valuable insights into who I am/was, and that maybe the folks who love me will give me the benefit of the doubt, but I think the thing that is causing me to cringe is that the  version of me whoever that person saw was 18-19 and though I’m not exactly ashamed of who I was now, it does come from an era in which I was pretty ashamed of who I was… and just wrestling with who I am, and how I fit in, and learning these things for the first time instead of the millionth time. 

Does that make sense? I was a kid. There are years of stuff that would come out if I was ever in politics or something that would not look good in today’s society. Including the opening post that person found. So I’m sorry to my friends and family for the past, and the future. Good luck if you’re reading this. 

blegghh

It's Sunday Feb 15th, I am sitting in online church. It's never quite as meaningful. I should start going in person again.  They are detailing the annual pledge drive, the impacts of Children's Hospital no longer offering gender affirming care to children, folks are sharing their testimonies of what it is like to live as a trans person. 

Last night I watched Come See Me in the Good Light, a documentary about the life and death process of poet Andrea Gibson. I have been reading their last book lately and crying all the time at how beautiful it is. Andrea says that they intentionally don't write with big words, because why speak over someone's head, why speak over someone's heart. There is a running theme throughout the movie that Andrea shares -regarding their experience of life before and after learning they are going to die. Prior to their diagnosis, they had depression, they had periods in which they were suicidal. After the diagnosis, they shared that they loved life, found every little moment and relationship beautiful, full of awe, spirit, wonder... wanted every second of it, fought for it through years of chemo, yes through anxiety and fear, hope and uncertainty, but also just a level of *constant appreciation.  I wasn't always sure I bought it...but it was a beautiful, hopeful theme. 

The movie has tons of tear jerking moments. Part of it also shows the "codependent" relationship they were in. Meg, their wife shared that in those last few years, she never wanted to leave Andrea's side. 

It brought up a lot of the stuff with E, and walking her through her health issues, and my internal feelings of responsibility and guilt. I'm clearly still wrestling with it. Trying to let it go. I had a dream last night that was odd, in it, she was asking me about alimony... and I had to remind her we weren't married. There is nothing like this in our actual relationship, but I've been wondering how much I should reach out to her, ask about her life, invest. I am just unclear. At times I want to do so because I miss her. At other times, I wonder if she is ok, and feel some level of responsibility. That's the part I'd like to let go. 

I am considering going to a protest in a few minutes. But I also have lots of work to do today, and I feel somewhat torn. 

Where do I put my energy. Where do I put my love and worry. Where do I put my thoughts and planning. Where do I put my feet through these practices. 

Yesterday, I spent so much time sitting in the present, appreciating, enjoying, feeling less *obligated and more open to the possibilities. Today, it feels like my mind wants to narrow the possibilities, push away excess paths, be direct.   It doesn't feel as good. It feels like scarcity... feels like as I prepare for the week I am sticking my head down and doing what I am supposed to do... but I am not sure this is living. 

I wish I was more open to the potential right now, creative, expansive, abundant. 

But this is also me. you know. 

Ego, mush, technology decay

My mom and step dad are out of town, so expecting the worst. 

Too many thoughts of death, and then what? What does life look like then? How does one rebuild or have a life without a parent you’ve relied on? 

The ego says big, extraordinary life, drama… or security, or wishes fulfilled. 

What if it’s more simple. Settling, family, moderate income. Slip into working class like the majority of the population. Nothing the movies would show,  not wealthy, not powerful, not particularly noteworthy. Maybe a parent has to move in, or you have to move in with a parent. Maybe it’s a health issue. Maybe it’s just not being able to keep up. Maybe it’s spending too many moments lost on a cell phone…

I alternate between these things, fears, fantasies, unsure what decisions to make and ultimately - I will end up with a life that was ok. How do I know? Because I have thus far. Some outlandish things, and some routines of boredom… but all trending toward gray. 

Because I’m choosing to dull, to withdraw, to downplay, to regulate, to khaki and collar it… ? How many life giving things happen in a day, am I noticing and grateful? 

Am I distracting and avoiding? And diminishing… 

This morning I sat in the waiting room at the dentist. Staring out across two parking lots, to a retirement home. I wondered if they had good reviews. It’s only a mile away from my dad’s house. Would he be happy there? Would he prefer to live with one of us? I know he’d be cranky, like his father got. I know he’d be depressed. I love my father, but I also despise the way he gets when he’s being selfish. I imagine as he gets older, he’ll be more that way. Less hearing, less memory, less gratitude. I don’t want to believe it, but I can see it happening. I don’t think he’ll keep his bitterness to himself, I think he’ll probably want to die. 

Colleen was saying that about her mid 90s mother, “she thought she’d go at the same time as my dad.” Basically implying she doesn’t want to live, and doesn’t know how to live without him. 

I was in the dentist office, and the two other people in the waiting room were on phones. I tried not to be on mine. It’s harder and harder. I feel I’m losing life to this device, and at the same time not sure what else to do. I wish the smartphone did not exist. I wish that we could regress in technology. Probably it would be better for our species. I watched a video today of a person reporting. Research about how young people are less cognitively capable than the generation before them, for the first time in over a hundred years.. we are getting dumber. I believe it. 

I feel it. I feel hours drained away, and whereas before I might have at least been drawing, or building something, or crocheting or something while I watched tv, now I am engaged and thumbing the videos along. 3 seconds, 10 seconds, 30 seconds boring.  I try to watch a movie without looking at my phone and basically realize I can’t anymore. 

Every night I say - you should read a book, or play guitar, or write, or exercise or socialize, or build the world you want to exist in…. but instead I find hours and hours of time to scroll. 

I can’t even keep up with the technology. And I don’t really want to. 

I’m not sure what I’m doing. But I’m not thrilled about the direction we as a society are choosing. I know that we will over throw this fascism thing, but it feels like we will just replace it with a different technocracy corporate thing that kills us all the same. 

My ego wants to believe somehow I will be or could be different. But my behavior shows I’m stuck running in place, stuck to a screen, stuck without creating anything of real value. 

What would change that?

What would i be willing to change? 

robo dreams

 I took nyquil around 3pm, and woke up about 15 minutes ago after having a strange dream.

There were multiple components I don't really remember, but the end felt very trippy half dream/half awake/ half trip? 

I don't really remember the beginning of this particular set of dreams, but at some point, someone made me some sushi to try. They wrapped it up and tucked it away.

Later I was sitting at a darkened table, probably working, there were other people around, but when I got up to leave someone asked for someone else, and I looked back to see that a couple was making out, and I said something along the lines of they are here, but they are busy. 

Then as I got up to leave, I knew I was going to go eat the sushi. I was headed toward a small restaurant, there were families eating, some of the kids looked liked young versions of M's kids. I felt that in the dream, and as they smiled at me, I smiled and made little kid faces back.  I found a table for me, and I knew I was planning on eating there. Everything felt like, everyone understood everything that was happening around them. The waiter bringing another family white rice questioned them, what is the most important part of a meal? not the chicken, not the napkins, everyone knew he wanted them to say the rice. The father of the table agreed, but was also reluctant, his son -maybe in his early 20s was closest to me, and I wanted to sneak past them to the open door to get some fresh air. I think I was sad re: M's kids. I just wanted to be out in the open for a minute, then I'd eat my sushi or order food. As I snuck by I got trapped in the doorway between the 20 yr old, he kept considerately trying to move forward but I was still stuck. He knew me, wanted to reassure me, but I was stuck. My heart was pounding, caught between the wall and this well meaning young man, who kept trying to move out of my way, but everyone found it funny, including me, they were a family who cared about me, we all love rice! I woke up and felt profound sadness and anger,  G-d why haven't you given me a family? I questioned and demanded, going through the evidence of loss, of opportunities that I thought might work out, why haven't I a partner? children? a family like the ones in this dream?  Why am I alone and sick. I knew I was still asleep, but also awake, piling up thoughts, and emotions, and feeling more and more righteous in my demands. I expect this. I want this now. Give this to me. 

I fell back into the dream space and watched as things whirled and twisted, lights and food, everything turning to purity, everything in its right place, I saw that what I wanted could happen, how easy and beautiful and perfect it was, all the dishes, all the people, all the tasty food, swirling and swirling, and coming together and being purified, and white light, like a plate of white rice, everything was combining and taking form and it was orderly, and prismatic, and beautiful, and then it started to un-swirl, things mushed together, were darkened by soy sauce, and muck, and decayed and defleshed, and everything that was good, was suddenly composting into chaotic goo, the worst texture, and overwhelming the senses, and it was all gross, and I wanted it to go back to the other way, but I realized it wasn't my will that made things happen, it was sort of the nature of it all, and then when I recognized that, a new thing started happening, there were these like crispy bits that began to thicken and shape all the things, the food, the people, like crispy lightning bolts, that brought form back into play, spines, and outlines, gave structure to the muck, and recreated the bright, and it became not the pure white rice, but colorful dishes of vegetables, and stir fries and currys and stuff. Everything was flavorful in more than one way, and it was beautiful, but there was this underlying disturbance to it, that I knew it was also the decay, and it was all at the same time.  

I think the cycles kept going, but I was losing my grip... I woke up hungry at the minimum. But also sort of lost. 

I think as I have written this, it makes more sense than it did in the dream. But it was just soooo much bombarding of the senses -kind of like tripping. It kind of made me wonder if I was dying. Like having a heart attack. The rush of all of this stuff while my heart felt trapped.

I had felt so pure and expectant in my demands. Like it wasn't too much to ask of G-d. Like I had been wronged and I was asking for time earned... you know.   And then as the visuals continued to spiral and prism, it really made it seem so mucky again, so lost at sea, grateful to even have a place to stand. 

I think I said them in the right order, I think it may have looped again a time or two in the dream... but ultimately I think it was just pointing out sort of the cosmic cycles. 

That's what I've felt lost in lately... what is my role in this cosmic cycle... somehow believing if I knew, then I'd be satisfied. 

All day to day I have been thinking about how many of my clients can't seem to let go, or accept what is, because they are holding tight to something they thought was theirs, that they had once, or that they thought should be, and it is in opposition to what it is.  And I've been sort of amused with myself this weekend recognizing how much I am the same, that I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to being lost on this ride... purified, turned to mulch, transformed again only to decay. 

Round and round. 

What else can we do. 

Identity, individuality, community

 Sunday. 

James' B day. 

I don't think we are celebrating. I am pretty sure my mom and grant leave to South America. I just checked the notes... I guess their flight leaves in about 15 minutes. Back at the end of Feb. 

I have been sick this weekend. Trying to make space for rest, and drugging myself to sleep. It's a minor cold, no real aches or fever. Just sneezing, and nose and headache, and feeling a little less than par. 

It has made it harder to do things. Like I had a sink full of dishes and the floors needed to be swept. I was able to do that stuff this morning and suddenly my world felt better, more opportunity. I don't quite feel up to cleaning my whole apartment, but the idea of it sounded nice. A fresh clean start. A spring?

In addition to ICE making the cities unbearable, its also felt like winter, and this is the first week in several weeks than you can leave shelter without immediate pain on your skin or in your lungs. 

So I guess a thawing of sorts. 

Despite feeling sick, I worked on Friday. Not my best. I also attended a meeting in my building that someone else had organized. About 20 people showed up, and I realized how isolated I have felt in my building. That despite some folks finding community here, almost everyone on the 4th floor didn't know one another. We awkwardly said hi, and tried to communicate via signal apps. I got started on it, and felt stupid and old. The whole meeting I wondered if I should be contributing more, while simultaneously reminding myself that A) I was sick *wearing a mask and B) that I do emotional labor and may not be able to contribute the way other folks do... but that tension of building community, versus staying isolated was there. It was odd to me. It was odd to be at what was essentially an organizing meeting, and to not have a voice or a role. It was good, but my ego was like... wtf?  I guess that is something I realized a bit this weekend, that my ego as a leader, or as a person with authority is quite big. I wonder how often I have been talking over others, or not giving space. I have felt more called to speak up and give voice in the last few weeks, but I also wonder if that isn't what is needed. Maybe I should be helping others to raise their voices, as these organizers in the building did. It was great. Now I am wrestling again, with how involved do I want to be? 

There is also a scarcity vs abundance battle happening within me. I am worried about money. Worried about time and energy. I am not sure how much to give, and whether it is effective. Not sure how much to hold back, and whether it is effective.

For example, if I am paying my bills, but not able to save money for retirement... is that ok?  Not really.  But also, if I save for retirement and try to live in a system that continually demonstrates that it doesn't care about anybody (look out for myself, but not make change), then it will only be harder for me and everybody else.   the pull of individual security, vs collective security...  

But I look forward in the week and see myself exhausted, so why sign up for another thing? Today for instance. Its about 2 pm... in a few hours there is a neighborhood meeting at a church. I was considering going just to get a little more information and insight. But I don't want to commit to anything. My phone is already being bombarded with signal texts. I should probably figure out how to mute them. I am not likely to do direct action. I am not sure where I fit into mutual aid. 

I am also isolated in my apartment, not knowing my neighbors and trying to figure out my own future. 

All weekend I have missed E. I haven't really talked to her in a couple of weeks. I am unsure if I should be reaching out more or not. I know there is an element of letting go in order to move on, and that when we spend time together -that gets tricky. I also know I want to be reaching for new opportunities. Maybe meeting people. Trying to date?  (maybe not in the immediate, but I do attend things with consideration). 

I dunno... being sick is really funny. Its an experience of recognizing that reality isn't real in an empowering way, and also feeling unreality in a potentially diminishing way. As in, nothing I do really matters, so I can do whatever I want. And also, nothing I do really matters, so it doesn't matter if I try. 

I'm kind of feeling on the line between them today. Doing the dishes and sweeping the floor felt good. But by the time I got groceries and came home, I feel kind of exhausted. 

There will be more community meetings in the future. Maybe I can just wait a week. 

Maybe I don't need to be a leader in the organizing against the fascists, maybe I'll just  be a body in the crowd.  

Maybe my work will change again.  Therapy is very isolating. Maybe, I will decide to start something new. 

I dont really know about this building. I am glad to have the space, but I feel like I am losing money by staying here. I guess what I am saying is that I have a desire to be part of something more than me, but also a fear of exhausting myself... and I haven't found a balance. 

no wise words... just life again. The longer I am a therapist, the less sure I am that anything matters much. We are all just playing out our lives, figuring out roles that we slip into and out of, trying to live into values, -that life will complicate, trying to relate, but also be separate. 

I dunno... tricky. 

Im gonna go take a nap. 

Nightmares?

 I guess I can’t exactly say they were nightmares, I woke up unsettled, but I wasn’t scared, more disturbed. Last night I really struggled to sleep. It was like I was in and out of sleep for hours, and when I woke I knew I had been dreaming but I didn’t feel I’d been very asleep. Maybe it was cuz I had coffee at like 4pm, maybe because I’m getting sick.  I know there were at least three but I can only recall two. I have a feeling the other one was the most graphic and violent.  It was a weird disturbing night, I know at one point, between trying to get back to sleep after something violent had occurred, I wondered if that nightmare I had once about running from people with guns and hiding under a garage door before they found me - actually took place in Minneapolis, if it meant I would die soon. Even though I couldn’t justify why that would happen… 

Anyway. In one of the dreams I was in a battle, a war. At first I was on the walls defending against the others with bombs and explosives and machine guns, but once we had repelled them. I walked out into the desert with them. I talked to one, asked where we should sleep. Others were coupling up, their naked bodies exposed to the elements. It was like the most vulnerable thing I’d ever seen. The naked human form on a blanket in the dark night, in the desert, just yards away from a war zone. But they didn’t seem scared. It was like they were resigned to what was. 

In another I was driving into a small town. There was an ice agent on the corner checking peoples IDs. They waved at me sternly, pointing to their guns. I yelled I’m a citizen, and told them to fuck off. I drove a block further, and suddenly I was on foot. We were all headed toward the Mexican bakery. Once inside, people were buying food, trying to support the workers, but no one was telling them that ICE was coming. It was like we thought our good will would be enough to propel them. And suddenly we were all staring towards the doors, frozen in place, and the bustling voices of the crowd were silent waiting for the invasion. 

It was a weird night. Hopefully I get more sleep, but I’m thinking it might be a NyQuil weekend. 

Dreams of recognition

At some point last night, I had a series of dreams. 

In the first, I was in some sort of college gathering space, a banquet of sorts, with circular tables all around. On each table there were center pieces of flowers and grasses, but also writing and projects displayed. I noticed on one table that a poem I had written was displayed in glass or something, and another was a 4 square comic strip of a poem and drawings I had done. I vaguely recalled submitting them for an assignment, and was surprised to see them there. As the night led on, at some point I was asked to read the poem. I found myself looking for a microphone, which was hard to find, and took like 15 minutes, and in my time of searching for the tool, I hadn't reminded myself of the poem. Something I had scribbled for an assignment a week or two prior and had forgotten. I pulled the original out of my pocket. Not the polished version on the table. It was folded over and ruffled. The lines of the poem had crease marks over them. I couldn't find my place, or the tone, or the words. I woke up, and reminded myself that in dreams its hard *maybe impossible? to read. 

I went back to sleep, this time I was being asked to perform it, not just read it. I was on an elevated grander stage, an audience before me. There was an orchestra pit. I found the words of the poem were actually a song. I had written out the music and the lyrics. I began to sing it and felt very proud of what I'd accomplished as the music added depth. The poem felt more like a musical, there were parts, and after my first verse, I laid down on the stage, the music continue to play, and another performer took her part and sang the rest of the piece. As the music and the words reverberated through my body. I felt really proud of what I had contributed. I could relax, because my part was over, but I was recognized as sharing something important and meaningful for others. 

The song ended, and the audience gave a standing ovation. I felt relaxed and scanned the audience of smiling and clapping folks. In the middle, there was a man who did not appear happy. Something gave me a note that he wanted to talk to me. I approached him as people were leaving the theater. He said something about my wedding, and that he was surprised I could perform so quickly after -implying that it had been the previous night. I said he was mistaken, he had mistaken me for someone else. He pulled out a newspaper clipping that had my name on it, and seemed to imply it was all the proof he needed. There seemed to be some anger and disbelief on his part, I responded confused and gentle, I was in a good place and didn't need to be brought down. I told him, friend, that's not me, but I don't want to fight, and I wished him well. He went away unconvinced, still tight. I returned to the stage and my people, still feeling accomplished. 

There may have been another part. But I found this series of dreams to be really interested. The idea that I might create something, almost accidentally that matters to others. That I might be inspired and share my gifts and be recognized, and actually proud and comfortable with my success. The idea that I won't be able to convince everyone, that some would disapprove and I'd not be able to control their beliefs.

It's like a complete story in three parts. 

I wish I remembered the words and music, but I don't. I know it was somewhat political. I know that it felt a little like Les Miserables. I know that when I rested on the stage and listened to someone else sing and play my music, I genuinely felt surprised and proud of what I'd allowed to flow through me, that I was a conduit for some muse larger than myself, but I was grateful. 

Nearing the end of Jan

I am lost in the news again today. Every day seems to be a pull back into the atmosphere in which we live. Now we are at the stage in which the federal government is starting to notice, removing officials, toning down the rhetoric... but it won't be enough. The struggle will continue.

This morning, I found myself anxious, anticipating the day... I only have three clients today, only three yesterday, and yet I felt anxious about whether I could handle and complete all my tasks. There is always a tension between what must be done versus what I'd like to do. 

I've been generally following through with all my major tasks, and stumbling along with the minor ones. Getting stuff done. But not to the degree I'd like it to be done. Trying to figure out the next steps and what needs to be done (long and short term).

Need new glasses. Need a haircut and it would probably be better if it was professionally done. 

I have these things I'd like to do, like play guitar, write more, read more, exercise more... but I find myself stuck in a cycle of watching the news... and then trying to hustle to get stuff done, and then watching more news. And maybe only committing 20 minutes to what I'd hoped would be a 40 minute investment in myself. 

I suppose I have been able to get to a few protests... which was good. 

I feel mixed around how I am showing up in therapy, but at the same time, I don't really feel ashamed of it... Just aware that I am not always showing up as well adjusted as I'd like to be. But I notice my clients feel relieved when they see me experience it too. Like they can relax that it isn't just them. Thats also what I experienced at the protest on Saturday, the crowd's anger spoke for me. Made it easier to sit with it all. 

I am so proud of my state, and so scared that we won't learn from this. That we won't demand actual change, once we have relief. But maybe I am wrong. Maybe I can be hopeful.

I am questioning my voice a lot. I don't know how much to say or when... but I do need to speak up more. 

I am unsure what is happening with my billing and money... hoping it all comes out ok, but feels like there is a lot of delayed payments right now. I want to believe I can make a living doing this without burning out, but I am hesitant to take on more clients right now, and there are some who are leaving and or reducing appointments. "gotta make a living" but also I know I am living above my means. I need to reduce my costs at home and work, but the biggest costs are rent related, and I am not in a rush to move when it feels like I am still getting settled  -oh and the world is on fire. 

More later I guess. 

Until things change

I keep wondering if I should say something. Do I have anything to say? Am I enough in it to feel justified in my voice?  Am I enough on the periphery to recognize anything larger of value?

I could write a poem, a simple song, try to write some letter of encouragement, or another of complaint to a congress person, give a video lecture on the way things work, could teach skills for trauma, preach about morals to the crowd who are already praying with their feet. 

I could do more than I am doing, I know that. I just don't know what. 

I keep crying on and off when I listen to the news, have a spark of that trauma come back, that grief, that helplessness, that lament... and sometimes that fury, burning and bitter, with a rasp and a claw grasping for someone to blame. 

Cry over the death of a man I don't know, but who by all reports was a healer, and a peacemaker, and someone who could hold and honor something larger than himself, and who would run into the fire without thinking. 

I do not run into fires. That is not my way. If I had my way, I'd plan the fire from start to finish before the match was lit. I often freeze in the face of threat, I often freeze in the face of worry, freeze as I said, in place -contemplating a reason to start a fire for necessary warmth when one isn't naturally coming my way. And my limbs are shaking, and I tell her I am cold, but I am scared and full of anger and I don't know where to place the hostility. 

What is my little part, no need to be a savior, that's the mess that got us into this. If I've learned anything it's that following a leader without question will never get you where they say they are taking you. Make it great? Ha, make it sane again, just for a moment...

But that's the problem right there... we can't just go back to that old normal - that would be even more insane, even if it's tempting to lay the burden down when the patrols move onto the next city, to say we did our part... to pretend the corporate businesses supported us (when the truth is that we had to lasso and drag them to our direction), pretend our leaders did more than share words in front of a camera, pretend that families aren't still broken, missing Kleenexes of the disappeared in their waste baskets.  Back to work, back to school, back to daycare centers, hypervigilant, on guard for the next criticism or the next questioning, or the next tinted windows... but we will pretend like that's done and gone... and the marginalized will go back to the shadows, and the white majority will call themselves the moral victors and betray ourselves again. How many times will we shirk off our responsibility to make things better?

In the shower I daydreamed that maybe, like an organizer chooses their enemy* by voting the right one in, or calls out a corporation until they begrudgingly come into the light and then can be held as the model for the next one... maybe the universe has a role for us, maybe MN must be first to pay for its sins... maybe the Dakota war and the genocide that followed, and the Dred Scott decision, and the redlining, and the segregation, and the police violence and the inequality here in all its forms... maybe we were chosen first to extricate the poison, to bring the shame and evil out into the light, to carve away the debt we owe and make amends... and maybe through this ritual of bloodletting and marching, of songs, chants and candle lighting, of art and poster making, prayers and dancing, of mutual aid and legal observing, of shared rides and food deliveries, of whistles, of car horns, of calling out and calling in -through terror and bravery, and compassion, and basic human decency in the face of our own masked monsters, maybe we can get to something brighter. A land where no one is illegal, where all are treated with dignity and respect, where we all do better because we all do better. Melt away the impurities in our heart and allow that star on our new flag to shine brighter and stand for something more. Maybe we will be the first, passing the torch to bring clarity to each of those 49 other stars on a blood-soaked cloth. 

That is the work I guess, it won't be over...  

24th

 All night I felt like I had this reoccurring dream in which things were off, like reality was not what it was supposed to be. I kept getting these images throughout several dreams that there was like a blueprint version of life, and it did not match what we were living. It showed up sometimes on still images like a map, or a picture, and other times the entirety of my view, it was like everything was red shifted. Pink shifted. Like a drawing but the colors were all wrong. Like the printer was out of the ink that made things real. I kept noticing it, and not knowing what to do, not knowing how to even give words to it. I wasn’t sure if others were aware of it, I wasn’t sure if I should even be alarmed. Maybe that’s how it always was? Maybe the world I’ve known is the wrong one, maybe everything is supposed to be devoid of depth, of contrast, of shade, only half hued. 

I awoke this morning with a migraine. The kind I get when I sleep in too late, and need coffee like air. I checked my phone, stung in the forehead by light, I stumbled out of my bed for headache meds and coffee. And read that another observer was murdered at 26th and Nicollet. 

The videos were already everywhere, I knew the background well, knew the donut shop windows, knew every angle of that street. For hours that’s all I could think about, hoping the headache would diminish. Thinking about all the times I’ve walked up and down that street. 

9 am on a Saturday, we could have been taking E’s niece to get a donut. So that means there were children there. So that means the street I’ve probably spent the most time on in Minneapolis was a warzone. Dear god I hope they don’t burn it down. 

I started to get really scared by noon, I wasn’t sure what to do. They kept pushing back times of vigils because the streets weren’t safe. Then at some point the police just hit a three or four block area with tear gas and used it to move out. They gave the street back to the people. 

E and I went down there around 3-3:30 and it was the best decision. I couldn’t watch anymore, getting scared and angry, breaking down in tears every 15 minutes, waiting for new video angles of what was already horrific to watch. I wanted to scream that’s my neighborhood! But I don’t live there anymore, and why is it so personal? Shouldn’t it be about the man who died… of course.

But as we walked around and E pointing out all the familiar things, and me telling her about places I’d gone 15 years before I even met her… but it was safe. It was still there. And the people were loving and furious, but not a danger to our neighborhood. And so it was ok… they gave voice to my hurt, and I didn’t need to scream so loud in my lonely place.

It was fucking freezing and the restaurants and businesses opened up to give shelter and free coffee and bathrooms and it was community for community and it was beautiful. And E kept saying we would have done that, carafes of coffee and bathrooms and warm space for people. And I probably would have let her convince me that was enough.

After hours down there we were freezing and left. The streets felt a little less scary, though everyone is always looking out now. We talked about what it meant. About what was to come…

It’s not gonna get better right away. We know that.

Tonight I’ve been back on my phone and computer watching videos… it’s the crying and screaming that gets me now. I hear it and I hear my own.

I dunno… it feels unreal. It feels like this isn’t reality but it is… I know things are worse in other places, I know it has been worse here for so many… and throughout history. I’m just so heartbroken… and also proud of my people.