argh

 My dad's love is so inconsistent, it's incredibly confusing. 

Meh

My dad just reached out. He said he was disappointed he didn't hear from me on Father's day and "if this (no contact)" is the way I want to play this out.

I am not sure how to respond. A) because sometimes the way he communicates things seems to imply I am guilty of something if I don't make more effort. B) because I have been thinking about how to move forward and the best idea I've come up with recently is maybe we ask my aunt to mediate, because though I have been heard, I haven't been understood. 

Part of me wants to say, "do you know me?"    (as in... do you think the kid who went to your wedding with the woman who you cheated on his mom with, is the one who wants to go no contact?)

Part of me wants to say "no, it isn't, got any ideas?"  (as in... don't put this on me... you're the one who screwed up). 

Part of me wants to say, "fuck you" (as in... can you acknowledge that you're part of this?)

Part of me wants to ask him to go to therapy...   (as in... do you ever take responsibility?)

I was talking with my mom briefly yesterday and she said do you think his attachment wound is that he doesn't actually attach or connect, -and we clarified 'beyond when people need him?'   I said basically -well I've dealt with that too... I sure do love to feel needed.  I suppose he has some longer-term friends, and he is close to some of his siblings... but there is a desire to be needed in those relationships. 

When we go for walks, he listens... I am sure it makes him feel like he is contributing -and he was, greatly. I miss having him as a potential confidant, or someone to talk about big things with... but I've lost trust in him again. 

I want to say... "last time we had a serious chat about this, you told me it doesn't matter what I share, what I feel, what I tell you... it won't change the way you feel about it." Well... then what's the point of talking about anything?  I mean... intellectual curiosity?   I told you that you're basically saying the people who are hurting my, my community, my business, my future are fine by you... so I guess you don't really care about my feelings, my community, my business, my future.  Right?  

Thursday, dad stuff, polishing a mirror

It is Thursday. A bunch of folks canceled so I only had two clients today and they were both hard for different reasons. 

After work I was determined to journal, went to a park and got irritable. I came home and felt kind of exhausted for no reason though. I messed around on my phone, didn't accomplish half my goals. Went out to get dinner and stuffed myself. 

On Thursdays I normally go to open mic, but I just wasn't feeling being around people. 

Maybe feeling like the world is in a scary place and I don't know how to hold it all... loosen loosen baby, you don't have to carry the weight of the world.

I am re-reading Polishing the Mirror by Ram Dass, which I actually think is one of my fav books. It is so well written, and packs in so many big concepts, interesting quotes and fascinating stories. 

I am finding it is helpful with giving me perspective, but tonight I lost it... tonight I am feeling down and out. Maybe it is the thing I've been rolling around in the back of my head all day (below) or maybe it is the state of the world, or maybe it is that I have a bunch of things this weekend and I just wanted some time to myself. 

Part of it is that I wrote myself a series of questions (kind of based off the book) to reflect on what the deal is with me and my dad right now... and I couldn't get centered enough to write until like an hour ago. After writing I wrote some commentary at the top -wondering if maybe this needs to be a regular practice. 

SO without much ado... 

Maybe I keep asking myself these questions periodically… in answering them this time, I am not sure much has changed. Maybe we have to wait till less interesting times* to not get dragged into the mess of politics and how it impacts the relationship.  9/10/26

 

What am I attached to when it comes to Dad?

I think my initial answer is that I want my dad to be someone I respect, someone I honor, someone I go to for wisdom, a friend, a peer, etc… but more than that there is this desire that he be someone I can rely on.  Someone I can turn to for comfort, someone who won’t leave me out in the cold, a safety, a security, a fallback.  I think the younger version of me still craves this. I think he also likes to see himself this way.

I think there is a part of me that wants him to change his politics (teen/adult self) because I want to see that he understands, can grow, etc. Not just understands me, but sees the world in a similar way. I think this is a further iteration of this desire that I can feel secure and trust in him… he sees the world as I do, which means he is hurt and longs for the same things. Which means he understands and can support me.

I think there is a newer part that wanted to be excited or motivated to take care of him as he ages. I think I thought I was preparing for time spent, and wanting that time to feel positive. Our walks around the lake felt like a way of securing and practicing that… but it was disrupted when I realized he doesn’t understand me even if he hears me.

I think underneath these ideas is this idea that I have parents who can support and nourish me. That I am not alone. That my family has my back. That there will be more connection than disconnection.

 

In what way am I being self-righteous rather than just being?

I am holding on to the idea that these issues matter more than the relationship… that they are bigger than the relationship. I see these patterns; I see an action and a consequence. I point that out, and I am not believed despite being right.  I see how inaction and choices made for the other side actively harm me. Harm my business, harm my lifestyle, harm my clients, harm people I care about. I point that out and rather than it being acknowledged and them taking responsibility for their behavior, I am told to get over it.  As in, it doesn’t matter that I hurt you, you’ll have to figure out how to live with that.  Additionally, I see how my hurt is considered less important than their discomfort…  My emotions, my feeling of security, my experience of being trusted, respected, believed, etc.… are asked to be on hold. I recognize that there may be ideas I’ve not been introduced to, or perspectives I could take in, but frequently these are either not offered, or offered in a way that doesn’t actually shift anything. EG conservative talking points without taking any responsibility. So my righteousness protects my perspective (sure ego) but also my mental, emotional, spiritual self, and my lived experiences… If they are not interested in them, discard them when it is convenient to them, then why be in relationship?

 

What do I need to let go of in order to maintain relationship?

To just BE with this, I would need to let go of or downplay my hurt. I’ve done that. I would have to pretend or join their denial… I could try to see it their way, but they don’t do a good job of demonstrating the logic, and they don’t do the same… so it would be me putting more into the relationship mentally and emotionally… not reciprocal. They express their care in different ways… ways that I don’t necessarily always need. Sometimes in ways that challenge me to grow or to feel invested in differently… but not with the same emotional bond. So to stay in relationship, I’d need to let go of my attachment to the idea that I should be able to go to my parents for emotional understanding, comfort, compassion. I’d be in the relationship on their level, not mine. Potentially meeting their needs and wants, not mine.

I keep thinking if I needed to rely on them, maybe it would be different. For my sister and little brother – it is. They both heavily rely on my dad and step mom. For my older brother -its him wanting his kids to have a relationship with their grandparents, meanwhile he is emotionally distant from them.

 If I needed a place to stay? If I needed a favor?  If it were transactional?  But none of these -change the emotional level. I would be grateful. I already am grateful, but I am not connected.

If my dad was hurt or ill? Dies? Would I suddenly want the relationship back?  It feels like something fundamentally shifted… I would of course care. I would probably wish I had more time… but I am not sure what it would change. I walked around the lake with him 5 times explaining different aspects, pouring out my heart, sharing my pain… he listened. He didn’t want to change, to empathize, to comfort. So that’s not the relationship he wants… So transactional then. An exchange of gifts of roughly equal value. Activities together… But why listen if its not for understanding? That’s not real. That’s what felt like it fundamentally shifted. He asks the question, waiting for me to change, to forgive him etc. but that’s me crying as a kid again, and him not doing anything to be there for me.  

In what ways can I honor my own experience without needing compassion, empathy or understanding from him?

I think there are lots of ways I can meet my own needs, be there for myself etc… including taking this time of being distant. I have to let go of an attachment that is meaningful to me, and accept what feels like a diminished position. Dad is 3 rings further out on the trust exercise.  It’s not what I want. It is what is… but I won’t be able to trust, or go to him for understanding on things, because he sees the world and his place in it differently. It will be like seeing him as a client or a coworker, who I would not choose to have a personal relationship with. Like how my brother and sister in law see him. I could go there and pretend to be all loving, but I would have to truly be in a place in which my cup feels full. I have filled it, and I don’t need or want more from them. I can’t expect that of them. SO I have to do it myself… and then, sure, value their experience, their gifts, but a distant type of connection, not in genuine relationship.

In what ways can I honor his incarnation, have compassion for his experience?

There are a lot of ideas/perspectives/experiences that I can hold and have compassion for. Very quickly my mind moves to areas in which he feels vulnerable… hearing, aging, money, feeling that he doesn’t have power -and becomes resentful. I have compassion for and empathy for these experiences, but they don’t necessarily mean he is right.  Just because you’re bitter, doesn’t make you right…  I can honor and have compassion for his lived experiences, the ways he has tried to grow and change, take on new things. I can be very grateful for the ways he has shown up for me in my life… but also expect him to take responsibility for his incarnation… right?  Like… if you don’t have the information, why not believe someone who does?  If you feel trapped or bitter, why not empower yourself rather than take it out sideways…  go to therapy man, find something bigger than yourself, don’t make it all about you or her.

Additionally, I think I can absolutely honor the ways he does show up for others. The ways he mows the neighbor’s lawn or shovels or whatever. In many ways he is a lovely neighbor. In many ways he is a lovely acquaintance, a friend, even a father when it suits him. There were plenty of times that he did show up for me when I had not expected him to, or didn’t even ask. But I also feel like they served to reduce his own anxiety.

I can have a lot of empathy-for that. I have absolutely been that guy. I certainly have showed up to reduce my own anxiety in life, I certainly have played the hero when it suited me, I have certainly played the victim or the villain when it suited me too. That melodrama is real. I guess I am just wondering why we are playing it out? I’ve tried to be open and responsible about my side. I’ve asked them to be responsible for theirs.

In what ways are my fear, insecurity, self-consciousness getting in my own way? In what ways are you living in your own punishment, melodrama that actually isn’t changing anything?

Starving yourself to punish the other. Wondering if they are thinking of you. Not accepting the truth-reality, that it has always been this way and I didn’t stand my ground. Not taking full responsibility for your own stuff because you are afraid. Scared you will be abandoned. Not reaching out to keep the discussion going. Not asking for their side, because their side is painful to hear.

 

How can I let the waves play out, let go of the anger and hurt, and just see the sea again?

On some level this feels kind of naïve… like, I can’t in the ways that I used to. But there is a sea somewhere and I think it requires this time and processing, and finding my security and safety and comfort elsewhere (or inside) to be able to see the sea. To not have waves of rage and hurt.

 

What do I get from the relationships that makes it worthwhile to invest?

It’s so sad that right now I am not sure. I have already come up with a million things that I love, and am grateful for from them… but I still feel very much like I have to choose me first, or it will never work. I can’t keep choosing them over me… and that’s what calmed the sea before, me downplaying the waves and pretending to be ok.

I think it is really easy to say… well I am just not being compassionate enough, or spiritual enough, or I am getting in my own way. But again, it feels like fundamentally something shifted… I am recognizing a pattern in which I am asked to get over my hurt, for someone else’s discomfort. They don’t want to grow, or change, or learn, or open up to the possibility that they are wrong, or hurtful or anything… so I can play the role of saint, but for what?  Has my compassion for them shifted the relationship? Has it made it better?  Has it made them want to open up? 

I don’t know their perspective, and they aren’t sharing it.

I have a feeling they would double down on the meaningless things they’ve already said, and wonder why I can’t accept a truce when their beliefs and actions continue to cause harm, distance etc.

There is something about the spiritual side of “love your enemies” that isn’t fully said, which is sometimes holding them accountable is the love, rather than pitying or infantilizing them. I am not ready to treat them like they aren’t capable of introspection (as my brother and sister basically suggested).

meh hard to be alone

I feel like I've never made a good marinade. Tonight's was so bad that I had to take the garbage out because the smell was rough. 

I don't know what to do tonight... I have two more things on my list (write/journal) and do the breathing exercise.

I don't feel very creative today. I woke up thinking I'd go spend a day at a coffee shop and be creative... and by the time I got to one I was kind or irritable. I spent an hour writing apologies to people that I've wronged or ghosted, then began to write them to people I have mixed feelings around, either open or never acknowledged conflicts. It felt good at first, then I realized I was really just writing for myself. It wasn't a true apology. I didn't want to hear their side of the story, didn't want to confront the situation... just say sorry, my bad and then dip. 

I started to reread the entries/writing I'd down around the time I started fighting with my dad and step mom... I got angry again and couldn't concentrate on anything else. 

I decided I should go for a walk. On the walk, due to the heat and other factors. I became increasingly sad, pitiful, irritated with myself. Half way through I felt pretty down, lonely, abandoned, rejected.  Felt like I was wasting my life and that even though I'd been given a lot of love by others, I didn't really feel very connected. -This is sort of the opposite of how I've felt lately -been doing a lot of meditation, self compassion, breathing, visualizations, gratitude exercises  ---all of which have kept me feeling ok despite feeling super sensitive... realizing how miserable I was making myself, I started to do one of these exercises while walking and within minutes I was crying, but also working through all the difficult emotions. I was imagining myself being there for my younger self who feels like too much, and all alone. I held him, shared positive feedback etc... 

The last 15-20 minutes of my walk I was sweating my ass off and uncomfortable but not sad/irritable anymore. I got groceries. Came home and showered. Did some spanish. 

I don't really want to go for a walk because its like 85 and humid. I don't really want to reach out to folks... feel like I am doing good for myself... but don't know how to expand that into something bigger.

Since I got home, I've been on and off having that anger with my family pop up. I think I miss my Dad. I feel like I don't know what to do about that, because yeah, I could see him. It would be fine. But I am still angry and hurt... and it feels like its not my job to make things better anymore. Thats the promise I've been trying to fulfill for myself. It's not my job to do other's work for them... its my job to be there for myself. I did that today. But ... still alone. When will that change?

I wish I could say I am gonna be productive tonight... but I know I am gonna go lay in bed on my phone. Its about 7pm and I am ready for bed. 

3 things

 1) There is this place in my dreams that repeats. It reminds me a bit of that backrooms movie. I think initially it was this massive extension of a home I lived in as a child. Underground tunnels led to large structures, more and more rooms. I don't recall if in that initial dream there were some tunnels/rooms that were scary, but over time, within the dream, these structures took on this otherworldly scary quality. The theme repeats every so often. Sometimes it is literally like a horror movie nightmare. Most of the time it is a normal dream in which there are areas that are off limits, or not for us. I am being subtle here, but it is something like demons, ghosts, devils... these rooms are hellish... even if they look normal, upon entering you feel it creeping up your skin. Shivering with sudden fear. It's like when you're in your basement at night and you feel something is with you. It's like when you're running up the stairs and you feel something chasing you. That the feel of these spaces. In the dreams I've never confronted the evil, or seen it... I just know. Multiple times I've felt it... I just know that there are certain spaces that are off limits.  Anyway, last night I had one of those dreams... it started with an icecream truck that was being sold, and turned into me cleaning two of the rooms that were adjacent to one of these hallways that leads to the evil... and I wondered why I felt so ok... being just one room away. Like I was getting more and more comfortable living beside this thing... less scared of it?  I dunno... I just find it weird. I know I've had a lot of vivid dreams lately... last nights wasn't a nightmare, it was nightmare adjacent and I guess I felt confident enough to manage. 

2) I went to see Hadestown again. Loved it, but maybe didn't need to see it sooo quickly. Still cried through the end. On the way home I saw dozens of people out enjoying a summer friday night together. And felt even lonelier. 

3) I don't have much to do this weekend. I couldn't find a protest other than probably just the street ones. I could do that. It's supposed to be really hot, and maybe a little rain. So maybe coffee shop and writing?  I finished a poem (I think) and even recorded a video of it last night... felt good. It reminded me in some weird way that my enneagram's growth position is a 3, use your voice, step into the light, express yourself, achieve, accomplish, be celebrated and congratulated for your efforts (kind of yuck -but if done in a healthy way it would be growth for a guy like me). But I still haven't performed at the open mic I've been going to all summer. I am not sure what I want to publish. Not sure what I am doing for my next steps... Tonight is pretty much over though... so it will have to be sat and sun. 

Distracted

 I've felt kind of distracted today.

Thinking about overlapping and non overlapping moralities and their intersection with privilege and power.

A leader who gives an order and a million die from sudden neglect... but it serves him and he doesn't think about the consequences. 

A person who checks their phone 400 times a day and only 3 times a year is reminded of the slave labor that wrestled the materials from the earth and manufactured it... thinks how sad, and then scrolls to the next thing. Again, it serves me, I do nothing regarding the consequences. 

A person who in their desire to be close to power, doxes and serves as lapdog vengeance for the powerful.

A person who in their desperation to fight back harms the non-influential family member of the powerful.

A system that is rigged to serve one group immorally, and an attempt to disrupt that system that uses the same tools is considered immoral. (We don't believe in political violence -says the side with the largest army). 

Give unto caesar what is caesars... 

Well... more than half of the emperors of rome died by violence, held power through violence, died by violence. Some of them got statues and coins, some of those statues were also beheaded. 

Is the exercise of thinking of the morality in itself a barrier to change, a binding spell cast down upon the masses... that the elite instill on others but do not follow? religion the opiate... until the next religion whether it be capitalism, or nationalism, or what can be pushed... 

I watched a video yesterday that reminded me: we are animals. We don't ask the dog what its purpose is. We get annoyed but don't judge it for barking or leaping. A group of dogs can be violent toward one another, but we don't call it violence. We don't need each of its behaviors to have a deeper meaning. We don't ask it to bear the weight of the world. Don't question whether it has been productive enough today to deserve it's daily bread. 

When dogs fight over food, they don't question fairness or morality. If our leaders choose to destroy the ties that bind us together, pitting us one against the other, dismantle the shared safety nets, the-communal resources, starve us, deprive us, make it impossible to thrive, make it impossible to see neighbor as brother or peer, but as competition to scrap with... is it not moral to question and fight the system that creates such conditions.

Sometimes, I think about things more historically... its only recently that we started assigning morality to past historical actions... "they were bad for doing x."  I mean, sure... but without x the world you know would not exist. There are statues of Christopher Columbus all over latin america... he was not a good man, even his own people recognized that at the time... but he isn't remembered for being good, his actions had consequences that made opportunities for us today.   I think some elite think of things on that scale. Some leaders don't care whether their contribution was good or bad, just consequential. Change the map. Get your name in every paper and history book. Be the first, or the unique... 

These qualities don't really serve those they lead... but they are impactful. One could say -hey there are positive leaders who added, created, benefited humanity... yes, but probably also at a cost, a disruption. 

Maybe we need to get out of this mindset that disruption is bad -it is a scarcity position. Survival mode. Don't cause friction or things could get worse... they are getting worse, is your obedience to the system helping? at what point do you take a bigger risk to make things better?  

restless anxiety and insecurity a test?

I'm not sure what it is. I think I am doing a good job managing it, but I find it funny to suddenly feel insecure again. I was feeling pretty optimistic, aligned, (there was so many little coincidences and what not) and then suddenly I am doing that Hinge thing and I just lose all confidence. 

Yesterday I realized all my appointments are online today, so I figured I'd just work from home. But sitting in front of a computer all day, feeling trapped, feeling restless, feeling like I haven't done enough... is badddddd. 

I ate a salad for lunch and walked around the block. I did my breathing and meditation exercises. Things feel better. I am just aware that the wind was taken from my sails. Probably some grief. Probably something to do with that nightmare -as I reread it I saw multiple themes of trying to move forward and getting stuck or trapped even prior to the feeling taken advantage of...  probably something to do with not knowing the *right way forward... 

On facebook I am part of this 'therapist dating group' where its just therapists talking about how hard it is to date. We are all scattered around the world -so it isn't really like people on there to hook up -even if they wanted to. Themes include: I am healing from a difficult relationship, I see red flags everywhere, I don't know how to get out of work mode, I have to deal with all these people's assumptions and insecurities around dating a therapist... and just the difficulty of putting yourself out there when you've been holding space for others all week. Very relatable, but I am not sure its helpful for me to keep reading them.

Tonight I am gonna go to trivia again. I think maybe next week I will invite people. Doesn't hurt to ask. 

Not sure what the rest of the week looks like... open mic. Maybe need to find a protest.  In a few weeks I am going to a training all weekend... but for now... just chilling.