Saturday

 On Thursday my therapist and I concluded that I was am having an aversion to seeing my Dad because it felt yucky still. Not just anger, but some level of disgust. I wrestled with that for a few days, and wanting not to live into it, went for a walk with my Dad this morning. It was mostly good. We talked about business, about family, about politics and economics… toward the end, he asked. “And how are you doing with the fight we had.” 

I got quiet, measured my words, checked in with myself and said “I’m still angry.” He started saying something about how he had hoped we could work towards a solution. I said yeah, me too but I’m still angry and I’m not sure what that is yet. He asked for more clarification where is the anger coming from.  At some point, early in the conversation he said something along the lines of, I know you’re a resilient person and have gotten through a lot, so I assume you can get through this too. As he was saying it I was internally shaking my head, this is the manipulation, this is where he asks me to get over it, and come back into the fold. 

I told him my anger for him and ny anger towards my step mom are different. He said he didn’t see how their recent stuff (this fight) was that different, and I said, with you I know your stuff, I see it in myself, but these values even when I’m frustrated with them aren’t the deal breaker… I see the manipulation, I use that kind of manipulation… I know where it’s coming from. 

With my stepmom, I can’t. I don’t fundamentally trust or respect the stuff underneath. I didn’t necessarily say it that way, but I implied that I couldn’t trust or reconcile with that aspect. He tried to defend her, he said something along the lines of… well your anger- she felt attacked. I said, see that’s what I mean, she is the victim. She makes herself the victim every time,  even when she isn’t. He defended her again. Implying that I was overstating the situation. A different experience and perspective not “the victim.” I said she made herself the victim in the argument, saying that her fear was equal to the fears of people who are literally fighting for their lives, he tried to clarify, she was saying she was anxious that she might get in a fight with someone and was intimidated…. I said see that’s what I mean. Other people are fighting for their lives, fighting for their neighbors and she is making it about her anxiety. She is anxious, we’re all anxious… who is responsible? Who is to blame the for that? She implied the protesters were just as responsible…

I said, you’re literally making my point again. This is why I can’t be around her right now. 

He said she wasn’t saying the other side was right… (though she was during the original argument), I said she basically told me that if there was a war, we were on different sides. I don’t want to engage with someone like that. 

We were talking about whether there is room to have family time, to celebrate birthdays. I said, I don’t believe I can keep from being angry, I don’t want to show up and feel mixed feelings like I’m lying. He said that a birthday party is a place to put those feelings aside. I said people I care about are still being impacted everyday, I can’t just set it aside and pretend. 

It was the exact thing I worried about. It was my dad ignoring all the things I’d said three weeks ago, and saying… well once you’re done being angry come hang out again, implying that no change on their part needed to occur to make things right. It was my dad playing peacemaker and manipulator, and expecting me to do the same, when his wife never has…and it made me angry again. 

I literally told him this is what happens everytime I get in a fight with her, you come over and say… well she didn’t mean it, and she’s hurting… can’t you just overcome your own shit for the sake of the family? I spent an hour three weeks ago telling him examples of that from age 5 or 6 on… and that I didn’t want to do that anymore. But he did it again. This is why I am averse… 

I told him what would happen, told him I wasn’t willing to, and he asked me to anyway. Same story. I said no. 

mid afternoon blog

 

3/19/26

I know that it’s a combo of not sleeping well, and probably not eating enough, and then therapy too, but its felt heavy all day because of therapy.

This morning, I processed some stuff regarding a friend’s death, and the parallels with my dad, and past exes, and blah blah blah.

I cried a lot. I was basically crying on the way in, but also mad at myself.

I don’t feel like it got out of my body, but I certainly shared more than I’ve shared in a long time. Shared about the experience without holding back. Shared about feelings I have that I don’t like to address. Shared about still feeling some of them, all these years later. I felt witnessed… and that was incredibly helpful.

One of the surprising parallels was a feeling of disgust and aversion.

My therapist said we probably need to return to that one, and the yucky feelings kept coming to my throat and my stomach. I felt nauseous when I left… I honestly kind of worried I’d throw up. At my car, I did some very intentional deep breathing of the fresh air. It was better. But this whole notion that I might have to explore these feelings -not just anger, and sadness and hurt, but disgust? Shame? Aversion? Yuck.

I didn’t make that connection in the session… that disgust and shame are related… I made that connection after. That maybe I don’t let myself feel disgust at people (yes to behaviors or foods, or whatever) because I don’t want people to be disgusted with me, that’s a source of my shame after all. I don’t want people to feel less than… though I know that they do. Maybe people have told me I am judgy after all.

What does it mean to go back and let the judgment sink in, to be disgusted by people’s behavior enough that you acknowledge -I am sick of you! But then also know that it wont stay that way. Know that it will be temporary. 

Why am I avoiding my Dad?  Because I don’t want the mixed feelings and the disgust.

Why did I avoid ------? Because I didn’t want the mixed feelings and the disgust.

Why ------? Same… why --------Same… why… why do I let go of people… because I start to feel resentment, but also disgust… I don’t like the way this feels. I don’t like what it brings up in me (judgment/resentment/ego) I can’t handle the overwhelm of all these feelings… it makes me sick to my stomach, I have to run to the bathroom or get out of the room. I can’t.

So maybe there is a part of me today wrestling with this mask I’ve been wearing. That actually I do feel these feelings quite a bit, and put them on hold, and push them away, and don’t acknowledge them… until I am overwhelmed. Maybe I was disgusted with E when she pushed me away. Maybe I was disgusted with her for lying to me, or manipulating, or playing victim, or getting stuck. Maybe it was disgust that she would be so helpless. Maybe I was disgusted with her drug use and alcohol use. Maybe I was turned off… by that.

With K it became like that… I saw the impacts and it felt like there wasn’t a person in front of me, just a lump that can’t think or feel or name anything. A stubborn child who can’t help themselves, and is clingy, and needy, and making it my fault. B when she couldn’t eat, or would pick apart her skin. A when she was cutting, and doing the very opposite of what she should, J when she was depressed and couldn’t make decisions. Obviously it was the same with M, but I gave myself permission to be angry eventually... but was it was disgust that made me feel so out of control?  

So what does that mean?   If I can love someone and feel disgusted by them… I rejected myself for soooooo long.   I thought I was moving into this area of life where I could understand, and be at peace with everyone and their stuff. But it turns out I was just trying to avoid a stomach ache. A heart ache. Another headache.

I made decisions I don’t feel good about when I was operating out of disgust, not just resentment. It made me feel better than, like I could cut someone loose… and it would be their own damn fault instead of mine… and I would feel relief, and shame and guilt… but at least I wouldn’t be actively harmed.

Its funny how if I look at which words I get triggered by the most, disgust would be up there. G being disgusted with A… A client being disgusted with his sister. I balk at the word. Disgust for stuff, disgust for systems, disgust for germs… but people? That would be dehumanizing. And I guess it is. I guess that is exactly why I have tried to push it away, to downplay it… I am disgusted means I can’t be in your presence…and so I remove myself. It means I have to wash my hands (of your demolition)… its odd that phrasing comes to me right now when I am mostly talking about people who in some way were actively harming themselves.  With all these people... each of these moments was a feeling of “you aren’t taking care of the person I want to love, and I can’t do it for you… so fuck you for twisting me into a pretzel.”   Brene Brown writes about disgust that it protects us from the contamination of the soul…   

But disgust is what leads to dehumanization. Dehumanization can lead to hurting one another… dehumanization is the precursor to war, to ethnic cleansing, to genocide. Disgust is the root to violence without remorse… right?  It became taboo for me, and I didn’t realize it… and now, to acknowledge yuck… I am full of it.

Again it makes me sick to my stomach.

Cruise control

 Yesterday my friend asked whether she should move in with E somewhere. It would probably benefit both of them, but it made me sad almost instantly. I didn’t really even have time to think of the logical reasons, i was just sad. It would probably be good. But in my head when i think of it I see awkward times when i want to see one and not the other, or awkward times when I can’t avoid E if she meets someone new, or I dunno. It just melts into a funky mix im not sure I can handle. Further, this friend was lived with another mutual friend and it didn’t turn out good for them, and i ended up sometimes feeling in the middle. So maybe i should just put my foot down and say, I don’t think that’s a good idea. At the same time, life is very expensive and I’m not sure what either of them are going to do… and they are both people I love and want the best for… so if it happens, shouldn’t I be happy?

Life is very expensive. I’m going to get my taxes done tomorrow and I’m not exactly sure if I have everything I need… but tonight I was totaling up all the business expenses, and the total money I’ve made, and the complicated math im seeing from multiple sources… and I’m realizing that I am living far beyond my means right now. I mean… I have so little wiggle room from how much I am actually making. I spent around 16k last year for the business and only took in between 20-30k. No wonder I don’t feel like I am getting ahead. I have only saved between 1/3 to 1/4 for taxes…

For this year I estimate I will spend about the same amount on the business, and my living expenses are like 40k and with taxes I’ll need to keep about 15-20 thousand at least. And I just won’t have anything for savings. 

I woke up thinking about E. Thinking for some reason about our first date. How we had planned to read brene brown and how she had shown up unprepared and how it was awkward but really nice. And it wasn’t supposed to be a date, it was a book club, but turned into one. I think about how she showed up without reading… and I didn’t hold it against her. And how that is a pretty real metaphor for our relationship. Later while we were together, we finished the book with me reading to her. This morning I wasn’t mad or sad about it, I found it interesting. I wondered what a relationship would look like if we had both done the work before showing up. 

Tonight after stressing about taxes and not being able to find my checkbook, and running around like a chicken with its head cut off… I picked up some items from the book shelf in my room. Things E had gotten me for a birthday present years ago now. I decided one of them was broken and needed to be thrown away. I decided the other one should be returned to her, maybe he niece can use it. There is a process of letting go, I guess. 

I haven’t really talked to her in a weeks. It’s still hard. I’m sad. 

Today at work, I saw a neighbor(I haven’t decided what to call them, they aren’t coworkers… but I work next door to them) having lunch with someone. I thought the woman was really pretty. I found myself wanting to pass in front of them, and feeling stupid. There wasn’t any particularly feature, just inviting looking. It makes me think that I’ve really been craving a crush. 

I miss having a crush. I miss having a reason to want to get through the day or week. Everything is better with a crush, even if your heart or stomach get broken, it’s grounding into something exciting. 

Tomorrow I get my taxes done, probably it’s a learning experience. Then maybe pizza? Thursday I have therapy, Friday an old friend, Sat another friend, maybe my dad? I should stop avoiding him. I just don’t know how to claim my life right now. It’s fine. But it isn’t exciting, or driving toward something. I need something in the distance to steer towards. 

Gonna start the second foundation book now. 

Wish me luck tomorrow, hopefully I don’t owe 8 million dollars. 

Blizzard weekend

 

This weekend I mostly stayed in. I feel like I got a lot done, and also nothing. 

I didn’t really see anyone. I had at least two social engagements that I cancelled, and church was cancelled too. Today I woke up and watched snl, and got groceries, and finished a book (that’s two finished books this weekend- Andrea Gibson and the prelude to foundation). 

I did some Spanish. I started to prep most of the tax stuff and feel like I’m still not prepared. I sorted through some things and realized I have a lot more to sort through. 

At one point I found some notes E had written me when she was moving out. I’m they brought up that familiar heat of grief and sadness and anger. I decided I didn’t need them anymore. 

I think I have a lot of paperwork to sort through. A lot to clean house on… I feel like if I just took a week and sorted everything I’d feel more prepared for life and maybe for my next move. Things would be simpler. I think this whole tax thing will help with that. I think I should role my retirement accounts into just one or maybe two. I think I should find the piece of paper with the blockchain stuff on it, see if I have any money. 

I think I should throw away a lot of random things that I’ve been holding onto for sentimental value, or maybe just to prove I existed. That’s maybe something new I’ve figured out as I have gotten older. I care less about proving that I was here. I have no children to go through old journals and try to figure out who I was, Ive been a teacher and a therapist, two jobs that are about the other and less about yourself. I have so many little trinkets and things I’ve bought or been given, half of which I don’t recall the true context of. My memories are fading, and I don’t really care all that much. I was thinking today- when I couldn’t recall a word, that when older folks have that happen they seem to get nervous… and maybe I just don’t care that much?

Maybe that’s what happens when you spend so much time alone, you become more content with your youness, and less interested in proving yourself from moment to moment. I think E taught me a lot about not having to hustle for your worth. 

There are things I want to simplify so that if I died it would be easier to comb through it. To say these are the important financial things, these are the people to call, etc. but as a human life… meh.

Numerous times this weekend someone orders dominos and I just wanted pizza all weekend, but i ate a lot of veggies today instead. I didn’t really exercises I’ve been slipping on that. I wonder when I will satisfy this pizza craving. Maybe Wednesday after taxes… it will be like my treat to myself. 

I did some basic math and realized I’ve been making around 6k a month and spending at least 3.5 on just the monthly bills, so it makes sense that I feel broke. I’ve been saving on average 1k for taxes… but I probably need to start saving more than that. 

I keep wanting to take a vacation, but it just doesn’t make sense if I’m barely getting by. 

I know that it’s because my office and apartment are too expensive. I could probably save at least 300 a month for each, if I was willing to put in the work to move again. I feel like this year I will move one of them… it should be my home. But it’s just such a hassle. 

Yesterday I got kind of depressed, slept a lot. Today has been better, but I’m still tired. It’s gonna be a busy Monday, Wednesday is basically a half day with the tax guy in the afternoon. Friday is also a half day and I’m hanging with an old friend. 

Thursday therapy in person for brainspotting. I’m already not wanting to go. 

I’ve barely talked to E in like the last 5-6 weeks? I feel like either she is super invested in work, or she is sick again, or has moved on and is dating someone. I hope it’s the first and the last. 

We broke up October of 2024… that was a long time ago. I need to move on. One of the tarot card readers on YouTube said to stop comparing yourself to others, eg don’t compare timelines for business or relationships etc. he kept saying, you know more than you think, you’ve learned a lot, you have experience and when the time is right you might rocket past them. When it’s time you’ll know it. Another said to practice surrender this week. 

I feel like I need someone to anchor me back into my own life. That’s what it feels like. I miss E tonight. Maybe that’s what a weekend alone gets me. Anyway…

Winter blues/ grays?

 

I just called a psychic hotline, twice. Two different readers. I didn’t believe it.

I didn’t ask specific questions, and didn’t get much that resonated. One said I might meet someone in June or July with an A name, a cancer sign. The other said someone might come back into your life, and maybe someone in the next month who is blonde.

Generally,   feel kind of disappointed.

I feel like I am addicted to intense emotions and when I am not in them… it’s just blah. I was half heartedly journaling today about how once work is done I just come home and do nothing. I make myself dinner, I watch the news, I do some Spanish, I play on my phone until I am asleep. I wake up and do it again. It’s like 5 days a week of this at least. Its not replenishing, but it doesn’t deplete me - and it feels like it keeps me sane. I have a hard time imagining or brainstorming what to do about it.

I think that’s part of why I reached out to the psychic hotlines, some idea of maybe there is an outside source that can tell me what’s next. Give me a heads up… and on the phone I felt my spirit drop, because almost instantly I realized how I was asking some stranger who isn’t invested in me to give me direction rather than trusting or engaging with myself.

But I feel like I am struggling to engage with myself. I have feelings all day long. Big feels, small feels, thoughts, movement. I get to experience stuff that most people don’t, vulnerability, insecurity, validation, seeing someone conquer their fears or step up to challenges. I brainstorm, I use creativity, I connect. But its also all totally fake… as in… I step into a role and then out of their lives.

Yesterday a client was talking about their grief over the death of someone they cared for. That person had only been in their life for like a year and a half tops, and they shared that they felt like an imposter to have such big feelings when the people who had known them for 15 or 20 years might be struggling even more… and we clarified that that their imposter syndrome wasn’t real, it was a mechanism that tried to push down other feelings… jealousy, envy, grief over the time that was supposed to have existed.  The client shared, I had pictured this person at 50, and imagined they’d be part of my life for a long time… and now I don’t get that.  Its unfair.

Part of me wanted to intellectualize too.  Hey… you step in and out of people’s lives… you don’t get to know the whole of them, and they don’t get to know the whole of you… but you can cherish the bite out of the timeline you get.

But I didn’t say that… not in the moment. The client was having a hard enough time just accepting that their feelings were valid and that they didn’t need to push them away… they didn’t need a new intellectual way of understanding… they needed permission to feel more fully.

If there is a truth to my Saturday afternoon, what is it?

I am avoiding doing my taxes.

I am not sure what is to come… and it pains me everyday that we could have a better world but we choose not to.

I could invest more heavily in work, but I already know it won’t make me happy so I am trying to tow the lie between stepping in and being swept away by the current of workaholism…

I need to find more things to do, that aren’t so emotionally draining, and are socially based. To have time with others that just feels good, and active but not emotionally.  Maybe jump back into a class?  

A friend just called and I basically cancelled plans for the night so I could lay in bed and do nothing. I am not sure why I am feeling down, maybe it’s the impending snow storm and a desire to conserve energy. I should probably go get groceries tonight. I don’t really feel like it. I had been considering getting a gyro, but that sounds too heavy. Maybe its chicken noodle soup kind of night. Maybe popcorn and a movie.

I just kind of want to know where my life is going. It’s very hard to invest in things when you don’t know what the world will be like, or if you can depend on stuff. I keep thinking about how I don’t want to hang out with my Dad right now, like there is an aversion because I am angry at them and kind of just annoyed in general, and then I think about what would happen if he suddenly died, and how horrible I’d feel. You never know how much time you have with people. Maybe that’s why I am feeling sorry for myself… maybe I am struggling with my own grief. Maybe I am thinking of the bites of people’s lives I’ve enjoyed, and wondering what I can expect now, and wondering why I am never satiated.

Its been harder to follow through with stuff lately. Maybe because winter is dragging. Maybe because the sociopolitical climate and my extra time and energy has been going to protests and mutual aid. Maybe because I don’t have any consistent love investing in me in a romantic sense. One of the psychics said ‘you do better in love…’ I agree now can we make it sustainable?

I know that part of life is just making a claim and seeing what happens. As in… I should just say, “hey I am going to Mexico City in September…” or something, and then make that happen. Maybe I should try to be a digital nomad, do telehealth appointments and stay the month, travel on the days or times I’m not seeing folks. Maybe I should buy a house. Just commit to an area of the cities, call it Roseville or something, and then meet the neighbors, and then build a business around that area, and volunteer or join the community in a real way.

Maybe I should get on these cholesterol meds, and maybe a different stomach med, and see if I can get healthier and feel like I have more energy.

Maybe I should become a spiritual director person, at least get the certificate so that when I dabble in therapy it has its place. Maybe I need to commit to my church, which I just haven’t felt as invested in lately… probably because they are doing a pledge drive. Maybe I need to join a dating site.  One of the psychics said to do it, the other said that isn’t how I will meet my person. Maybe I should take an adjunct job so that I can teach again. Or start workshops. Or learn how to do adult groups like my neighbor at the office does.

The shift in energy certainly is related to my body, I have a stomach ache… I feel kind of drained, almost like I’m getting sick. I woke up feeling a bit groggy and headachy, but by the time I left I was actually excited about the day. Maybe I should have gone for a walk with my Dad, but I was excited to try to do some writing and reading… then gradually I just got more and more annoyed and brain foggy.

This morning I had been listening to Nirvana and feeling like all I needed to do was think about something any little thing, and then find a metaphor, and then write a poem, and then everything would be better.   At the coffee shop I finished Andrea Gibson’s last book, and cried… and then I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to say. There were voices and music playing and none of it was aligned with me… even right now, I am thinking about how grateful I am to have had so many people reach out and say hi, try to reassure me, ask me for my time, and how in each of these, some part of me felt like ---ughhh its so much work to try to be known, to accept the invitation to connect. My friends love me, want me in their lives, and sometimes I am like… yeah, but…

And I know a lot of it is because I only feel like I am valuable when I am playing a helpful role to them. What am I when I am just hanging out?  I think about when I went to see B in England, and how I was determined to make her feel better. But I couldn’t. And how later when I went to see her and her husband, I felt like I was a cling on, not just a third wheel but like toilet paper stuck to a shoe. Tonight, I don’t really wanna see my friend (I) because I know she isn’t in a great place, and I feel like I’d bring her down even more.  Talking to (P) on the phone yesterday, his wife and kids in the background, preparing for their Friday night ritual… and he says he loves me, and I am welcome, and come out to see us… and I feel like I’d be the weird uncle coming to stay and not know how to interact… / performing a role of safe adult, rather than being myself the whole time.

I’ve had this thought for several weeks that I am not exactly getting to be my true self much in my life. I often point to the IFS ideas of the C’s and P’s…. I guess I get to be some of them, but not all of them…  compassionate, calm, confident, curious, courageous… at work.

Creative and connected… again only at work. No wonder I drift into the role so easily.

Patient, present, persistent, playful  again only at work. Where do I get to be these in my life consistently?  I dunno.  Even at work, its based on the other energy, not necessarily mine.

I asked G-d to use me, and I am useful… but again, I think I need more than that. How do I build a life that feels like more than that? And aligned, and hopeful.

 

I keep thinking about how dreadful our society is right now, and wonder if it is time to build alternatives. My old coworker (A) sent a song to me and V yesterday, about turning off the news and building a garden to see what is real. I feel out of touch with what is real… despite dealing with the heaviness of reality every day.

I dunno what else to say… I feel like I might need to go to bed for a few hours. Maybe the Excedrin wore off and I am actually sick today. I do feel kind of achy.

Anyway. For now.

 

I told myself I’d journal… since I am not doing the things I should be doing. Getting back to P, reaching out to medicare, emailing the prospective client back. It’s a Wednesday. It is sunny but cold. I have basically had the afternoon off, though I have a client in 30 minutes.

I did some Spanish, and caught up on paperwork, and watched a lot of crap on youtube/Instagram.

The verge of spring has me feeling optimistic about the future, there is something in the air lately, feels like people are being challenged and coming through. Feels like we are rising to the occasion despite the world feeling full to the brim with horror.

I find myself hoping for some big change that sets my path in a new direction… or furthers whatever my ambitions are. I am not sure what it is I am looking for, I am not certain that I am making the space to find out.

I feel like if I slowed down enough to name what makes me feel like I am acting from self, from integrity, from my soul path, then I’d feel like I was letting myself down -at least half the time… like I would create expectations and feel like I wasn’t meeting them. Right now, it feels like I am meeting the unstated ones at least part of the time. Finding joy and amusement, finding creativity, finding flow in my work at least. The time after work feels slow and draining and unproductive, and disconnected. I want to go to bed by 8pm but find myself staying up late on my phone. I listen to the news and feel like I know what is going on, but also feel disconnected and avoidant of getting involved.

I look towards the immediate future and see things I need to do, and know that I will get them done. I can check off a list. But add a few months… what do you want to be different in the next year? The next 5 years? The next 10? 

I asked my little brother that yesterday as he turned 40. My little brother is 40. Remember when he was 17? Remember when he was 7?

I am not sure how I want to go about maintaining, improving, returning to family boundaries. Last night I had a dream in which I was at a family gathering. I caught myself wondering when I had let the boundary slip and why it didn’t seem to make any difference. Like maybe I had already made my true self to be know… or maybe I’d returned to being a kid.

I have a lot going on next week. Taxes, therapy, time with friends and family, work.

My brother  and I briefly alluded to the feeling of … what have I accomplished? (optimistically, half way through our lives?) via texts. 

I was thinking its easy to look at the downside, to discount your accomplishments, EG my apartment isn’t something I am boasting about… my business is just a thing…  but I am also reminded that in the last week or two I’ve had half a dozen friends reach out just to say hi. That has to mean something right?

There is community and belonging, even if it feels at arms length. I don’t know how to bring it in for a hug. I am not sure what I am supposed to do next to make that hug feel right.

I keep waiting for someone to pop into my life to fix me… even though I know that’s not a thing. But it would be nice to share the load -I guess. To not make every decision by myself.

So I guess I am saying, I feel loved, and optimistic… and more than in the past I love myself and I am proud of who I choose to be… but also still wondering, still looking, still not sure how to proceed.

Trust

 I kept having dreams all night about setting and maintaining boundaries. It was really odd. Nothing as dramatic as that one, but it felt like every single interaction was about setting boundaries and feeling like my trust in someone was in question.  

Made me wonder what today would bring.

So far nothing, except a lot of feelings at the doctors office. See most recent post. 

I dunno I am avoiding paperwork, but today feels pretty good. 

Went for a walk, got one more appointment. 

Been crying in my office about all the people who try so hard even if they relapse. Makes me think of too many loved ones who have or are struggling.

A friend and I have been talking about asphyxiation cognitive dissonance, and the politics of death… 

She wants to move to France. 

I feel it. 

To K

I didn’t want to leave this on your Facebook page.  I was at the doctor today getting blood work done, remembering your fear of needles, as my palms began sweating. Scared about results, scared and mad at myself that I haven’t been taking good enough care of myself. Still some anger at you for the same. I worried, if I’m honest, that I would die like you did. That my neglect would mean the routine becomes dangerous. 

 An hour later, I was thinking of all the moments in which you did your best, how many minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years in which you did your best, despite the difficulties and the fear. Chose to love life, to be grateful, to connect, to be creative and giving… those moments matter. I spend so much time dwelling on all the worst things. I forget to thank you and celebrate the best. 

4 am

 It’s been difficult to go back to sleep. It’s 4 am, I’m thinking about the future. I heard today that my apartment basically adds a 3% increase each year. Which means I should be looking for a new home by summer. I moved in August, and I think I have to give them a little notice… I dunno. I don’t really want to move, but I also feel like I’m paying too much both here and for my office. The difficulty with moving the office is that I have all these insurance companies and government entities all with that address. So it would be a lot to switch so soon. My lease for that place is a year and a half I think. I can’t recall. 

I was thinking about how many clients I have where I haven’t been paid by insurance in a while. Maybe I’m doing something wrong. I feel like I’ve tried to streamline everything and therefore when stuff slips through the cracks I don’t even notice. I’m sure there are clients I’m seeing weekly that I don’t get paid for. Not sure who to call or what to do about it. Maybe it would be worth while to pay someone else to handle it. 

I have taxes coming up. I have not made an appointment with the guy. I don’t have any desire to pay taxes to this government. 

I feel like I’m in a bratty mood, where I’m trying to get away with stuff because I feel justified, but that doesn’t mean it’s technically by the books. Calculated risks that could blow up in my face. I’m just sick of being beholden to systems that don’t make sense. Insurance doesn’t make sense. Our government doesn’t make sense. 

But I hate the idea of leaving my clients high and dry were I to mess up. 

I keep thinking about the fact that if I died, they wouldn’t know. I need a system for that. 

I’m going to the doctor tomorrow. I scheduled it as a physical, and I’m worried I wont get assessed properly. I mean, I want to know if I’m on my way to being diabetic, if my heart and lungs are ok, what to do about the swelling in my feet, the 20 years of acid reflux. 

But I scheduled with a doctor who had availability, not someone I’ve seen before and who knows…

Money, taxes, health, responsibilities, frustration with the state of the world… and weird ass dreams that make me distrusting… great. 

I have therapy on Thursday. 

I guess I’m just complaining because even though my life is fine, some days it feels like I hit a new plateau only to feel like what’s the point?

A friend asked me to go out and meet people tonight. I had zero desire. Another friend asked me yesterday if I get lonely and hopeless sometimes, yup. 

It’s 4:13… I want to trust that things will be ok… but the news is soooo depressing. It makes me want to run away to the woods or something. Where is the safe place to get away?  Maybe Argentina. 

I know I have skills that translate, but maintaining the credentials and certifications and insurance and all that… the professional standards. Seems stupidly exhausting. 

Maybe I should be a life coach. Or just join one of these programs that shuttles clients your way. Or go back to a job instead of having my own thing. Someone else to manage the money side. 

Bizarre nightmare

 I just had this weird nightmare. 

In it, my wife or girlfriend was having sex with another man, it was actually supposed to be like a foursome thing, and I felt excluded when she switched up the expectations without communicating. I spent most of the dream wandering around our hotel, looking to see if she had even done a background check on the guys (I guess they were escorts?, whether they were clean, etc. I found evidence that they were kind of shady, and on top of feeling excluded, I felt betrayed, jealous, angry. 

At some point I may have left to get food or something, as my wife or girlfriend dead completely oblivious to my presence. 

At some point I asked them to leave, maybe by gunpoint. 

When my wife woke up, she asked where they were and I began to explain that I had felt really uncomfortable, left out, lied to etc… she became defensive and started to name that it was my fault, and that this was something she needed and I should be supporting her. I was getting furious. And eventually it became clear that we would break up. I felt like I saw both scenarios- of continuing to fight, and getting up to leave in the same moment. 

I woke up wanting to fight someone. 

I say this is bizarre because nothing like this is remotely similar to anything I’ve experience. Well, maybe the being turning on in fight when I’m trying to share my feelings of being wronged… but the entire scenario is completely foreign to me, and it felt so real. I don’t even have a girlfriend or wife. I have never wanted to share my partners… anyway. It makes me wonder if it was someone else’s story or dream… it be like that sometimes right?

Or if that is like the best my mind could do to represent feelings of betrayal that maybe I didn’t vocalize in the past?    I dunno.   Nothing I’ve watched or read or anything has anything to do with this.