navel gazing

 

Today I am thinking of shame. Of shameful behaviors. Times when I placed my own needs over those of others, without consent, without negotiation, without knowledge or room for light. Some situations in which I have talked to the people, but mostly no. Things I sit with. Since I was young. Today I am thinking of apologies I want to give, but am afraid to. Today I am thinking of the ways I’ve avoided life because I didn’t see myself as worthy of another’s attention, or thought myself deficient, or settled for less than I deserved -like the truth, or presence, or shared responsibility, because I thought myself inherently flawed. Today I am sitting with these things, because yesterday I sat with an individual who felt the same way about themselves, and the day before, and later today, and tomorrow, and the next. Each day I sit with folks who think themselves unlovable, unworthy, and whose behavior shows this deep wound beneath, despite their attempts to hide, to avoid, to make the best of what they believe to be the worst situation. Today I sit with my own, because I fantasized I might run into one of those people who may not have done me right, but to whom I know I did wrong, and rather than focus on the pain they caused me, I criticize my own lack.  It would be nice to be redeemed.

I used to think that I needed Jesus for that. I thought that only if I live right, act right, pray right, I’d be worthy of heaven. But I taste heaven routinely… and still wonder if I deserve it. I know that Jesus was like me, angry at the misery of it all, and cried out that we know not what we do… and someone I get mad at him for dismissing our responsibility.  I used to think Jesus was the way, and so I tried to live my life in the light of day, good and honest and correct…and then when the sun didn’t shine, I found myself tempted. Still do. But if I am honest neither the day nor the night was entirely true. In the light of day I daydreamed about the urges, and in the night I pleaded for forgiveness more often than I sinned.

Today I was thinking about how this rigid belief system made it so difficult to relate, to understand, to have compassion for myself. How this belief system - didn’t teach what was healthy without judging what was “sin,” meaning it produced fear of asking for help, meant fear of asking for understanding, meant fears of being seen, for to be seen in your sin -meant condemnation to all but Jesus -and even he might look away in agony, not hold me close… and what could be worse?

Today I am trying to remind myself that shame is a momentary feeling, a collection of thoughts and stories, some of which may not even have been the truth. Maybe there was a different perspective, a different lens, maybe you took on the responsibility because someone else refused… let you feel guilty and ashamed, because you didn’t want to blame them. There are these reminders, these alternatives, this evidence gathering… and then there is also just acceptance. A part of me is capable of acting out in ways I dislike. I don’t need to condemn the whole of me because of that… I don’t need to make the assumption that my future is dictated by something I did as a child. I can just be… what will be of this moment? Will you appreciate it? Will you open the door?  And I can also recall and ask to feel the blessings, the heavenly. I can open the doors to that myself… I don’t need to wait, or be judged, I judge -whether I open those doors or not is my choice.

I can remind myself of all of history. Of the good and kind people, and those who were not so, and how history knows very little of the difference between them. That each person is a collection of all things, and that to reduce it to good and bad… isn’t really helpful. Those I am angry with, also do good things, love people, have positive contributions to this world. I think about the patriarchs scheming and murdering and wrestling their way into the Bible. I think about the Odyssey, 2700 years ago the people considered themselves good, bad, admired and blessed by the gods, cursed and forgotten. Their deeds, war, self sacrifice, rape, pillage, torture, defense of family and country… on and on. None of them better or worse than me… and yet my ego centric mind wants to make a distinction about how I am uniquely shameful and bad, or good with a touch of a wound.

Maybe I am getting too high and mighty, thinking I can judge the world and the people’s actions. Maybe the balance of assuming you know better, is that you must also wrestle your own trespasses. What is good? What is evil? What is just being human and doing the best you can?

How do we condemn things that harm us, without doing more harm?  How do we forgive ourselves for the harm we have caused by what he have done or left undone, without letting ourselves off the hooks.  I don’t want to fall into nihilism or cynicism, and yet I don’t want to condemn myself into not acting justly either.

 

 

 

I was supposed to have three clients today, 1 cancelled. 2 were self obsessing (like I do), and I saw myself in them. Sometimes that is the blessing and curse of this job. That you realize, wait, I am talking to a different version of me right now… I too have been this way. And it is easy to recognize then, oh hello “G-d in drag” as Ram Dass would put it. There is something so beautiful and crazy about the experience of seeing yourself in another. Sometimes it feels like connection, intimacy, miracle… other times like confusion, torment, fear.  

When I was fantasizing earlier about the person I wanted to apologize to, I kept thinking… I felt the anxiety that she experiences all the time, and responded by disbelieving her, controlling the situation, demanding grounding… and later felt awful for it, because she didn’t take responsibility for her own feelings/behavior, I doubled down on trying to do so. I had heard from her that she had experienced that pattern many times in her life. That she had become scared of her partners because they had become obsessive/controlling/ etc… and I felt that experience too. Afterwards, I had such pity for them, how they lost themselves, like I had… she had none. Maybe she wasn’t supposed to. I felt lied to, manipulated, betrayed and abandoned by her. She felt that way her whole life.

I sat with one client today wondering how I can get through to her that what she is focusing on right now is obsessive… and I kept remembering the times I felt like that, and couldn’t imagine that anything I said would matter. I simply pivoted to, after… you’ll need to take care of yourself so you’re not wiped out for days. She agreed.

I sat with a client who kept coming back to the idea that something was fundamentally wrong with him, maybe he’d be more successful, more capable, more able to be in relationships if that thing was fixed… I told him the thing can’t be fixed, that it would be better to focus on making progress and celebrating the things he feels good about, rather than focusing on some mysterious wound. I’ve felt that way a billion times, even today 1000? I could see in him this sadness though, this regret, what if I could be better? What if I hadn’t missed that opportunity, what if I had more capacity for love because that thing was fixed…

And all I was saying is, you wont get to better by focusing on the mysterious “bad.” Better is one step towards the goal… -do you want to be in relationship? Put yourself in relationship… do you want to work? Put yourself into work. Do you want sobriety? Focus on sobriety…  Instead we will focus on the mysterious “bad thing” and use it as an excuse for why we aren’t making the progress we want to. Do you actually want these things? Or are they just what you think you’re supposed to want?

I have been wondering about that with family… I want a family. I want closeness and connection. But do I want this family?  I always wanted to be a father. Wanted to help raise children… see them grow. But do I want to be a father?

Maybe I don’t know. Maybe I am lost in my world of living vicariously through everyone else.

On social media the other day, someone said their therapist had told them (of their anxiety), that the feeling they had where they did everything they were supposed to do but still didn’t feel satisfied, is because they were focusing on surviving life, rather than living it. Doing everything you are supposed to do to maintain, improve, keep it all together… but missing the sweetness of each of these things, because checking off a list is not life. Life is life.

I woke up late today (I wanted to be in my dreams) and beat myself up half the morning for wasting several hours of good daylight (because I didn’t have any morning appointments). Eventually I did some Spanish, walked to a restaurant for food, and got some work done… checking things off a list. But I had felt for so much of the morning like I had wasted life because there was valuable time and I wasn’t accomplishing anything.

I live my life by lists… trying so desperately to survive/be good in life, rather than just living life. Life is wild, it takes us in all sorts of directions, blesses us and curses us… and there isn’t a right way to live it. There isn’t something that I am supposed to be doing/ or have done… there is the now, and whether I am enjoying the sweetness of each moment, each mosquito bite, each watermelon slice, each overly humid and hot heavy itchy day, each relaxation of a muscle underneath the blanket, each hand held, each conversation.

I am soooo much more present in work than I am in life, and even then… uh I get so carried away with doing it right.

Oh well… this is my rant of the day. In my 42 years I’ve had this realization a dozen or a million times, taught it, forgot it, on and on. Life… sour, sweet, yucky, sexy, dull, rich… indulge in it all…

You are in this world, but not of it… as the Christians like to say. Kind of funky way of saying enjoy it while it lasts, but remind yourself of something bigger.

Tonight I am going to see Hamlet at a cidery... I think. An opportunity to indulge in life, will I enjoy it...

Two

It's around 2ish. 

I just realized I've been posting in the wrong blog for a week... oops.

I have two more appointments today that I will see from home. Next week looks like it will be a busy week. 

I'm a little thrown off right now because of the reposting thing... but I had been thinking about freedom. Freedom to be, without obligation, commitments sure, but not feeling required to stretch outside of my negotiated boundaries. 

I was thinking how nice it would be to be free of burdens and judgment I've put on myself. Like 'you don't deserve' or 'no one would like...' How that doesn't quite match up with my experiences, but I believe these old tapes anyway. How my sister's response was such a shocking revelation and demand of her own need, and not a request for relationship that feels mutual. Similarly how with my dad I am basically saying can you acknowledge that you're hurting me and take responsibility? and he is saying, "I dont agree, and can't." And therefore... I can't. Its a pretty easy equation right? 

But my whole life when faced with that equation, I've said stretch. I have a whole ass poem asking my heart to do so. Please try. 

I've been coaching others into setting boundaries, speaking up for themselves, etc... I had a client say today that she is bored and unmotivated because the world is harsh, and she has been self protecting so long that she trusts herself now... but does she know how to open up again?

I think this is the question I am settling. Can I trust myself to not stretch to accommodate others who won't stretch for me? If it's negotiated and agreed upon and given respectfully sure... but not out of obligation. 

I can't stretch anymore, and you won't either... so there will be distance between us.

In the mean time I will repair with myself. I'll try to be compassionate to the little kid inside myself who is sick of being an adult, and who didn't full trust that he could be a kid. I'll try to work with the teenager in me that wants the world to feel my pain, and I'll smile at him and reassure him that his anger has a place, but it doesn't need to hurt people. 

I'll try to grow into an adult who takes responsibility for his own feelings, needs, etc... and then asks for others to do the same. I'll learn to take risks, calculated, thoughtful, but genuine risks... so things don't get too stale. I'll keep being curious, and compassionate, and work on reducing my anger when it isn't serving me, but let it fuel me to create the changes I need or want. 

I can start to let go of my shame again... notice that nothing is promised, and that there is nothing achieved by slowing myself down with old bricks -when I don't even know what I am building. 

I'll day dream about building something again. 

I don't know what anything means. I don't have to be right. I just have to be true to myself... and invite others to do the same... and then accept that it hurts sometimes when we aren't compatible... in for a season. Then let go. 

Maybe it is time for me to move on? Maybe I need to travel the world again. 

Monday

 At 5 AM I was grateful, the light was peaking over, not quite sun rise. I said a prayer and went back to sleep.

At 6 AM I was aware of a blue sky and clouds, appreciation of opportunity, of a fresh new day. I said another prayer, went back to sleep.

At 6:30 AM  I considered that I might want to get up, since I kept waking in a positive mood. I turned over, and let my alarms do their thing.

At 6:45 I woke up from a dream in which I was engaged or married, I was amongst her family, there was some sort church component, something felt arranged, but it felt fulfilling. 

At 6:55 I woke up stil desirous of dreams and sleep. Not because I was tired, but because I wished to indulge. 

At 7 AM I woke up nervous, made a deal with myself. 

At 7:10 AM I was frustrated. 

At 7:30 AM I got out of bed, wondering why I'd let myself sleep in. I was already crabby. 

At 8 AM I was angry and defensive. I was trying to justify my actions, feeling like people were misjudging me. I was trying not to condemn myself. 

At 8:30 I was indulging in the hurt, in the belief that I'd been wronged.

by 9 am I was holding someone else's pain. 

This morning I was contemplating the consequences of my own actions.  Consequences such as isolation, loneliness, acting out. The repetition of a story in which I am the hero, or victim or villain. The repetition of the kind of story that happens in isolation -when there isn't communication or shared or negotiated understanding.

Trying to be good, to be impressive, has made me so dishonest. Protection of an image rather than what is real. How I have hurt myself and others sooo.

How ofte have I experienced things alone, my internal world, my world of dreams, of holding for others, of escaping and adventuring alone, of journaling... 

So separate, the place I am primarily is not in relationship    but

If I reached into the wound, the times in which I acted against others, and extracted that pain in the light   - would it change anything at all?

Or would I spent the next half a century trying to prove myself good again.

I wonder at what trying to be good has cost me? Is my anxiety just a symptom of trying to control the narrative? I can't be the best, I don't know how to show up honest, so I just avoid... or withdraw... so I don't have immediate consequences?   I responded to my step sister, I don't know how to be a good uncle... and could add, a good brother, a good son, a good lover, a good therapist, a good man. I don't know how. I try... or at least I think I am trying... it is not enough. I am judged sometimes for my actions, and sometimes for my inactions.  I have only the models I have seen, and read about, and I have struggled with them... sometimes because they don't align to my lived experience... other times because they insist nothing is  good.... and I want it to be good. And others want me to be good. But I can't be good. I can only be mixed, unclear, hypocrite wanting things to be better, but not knowing how to make them better.  

How can I love myself and others simultaneously?  How can I act with love, when I don't feel loved. 

My sister reaches out to say I am an idiot and throwing a temper tantrum, but she did not reach out to say "hey, it must be so hard... if you're not showing up, that must mean its really hard... how can I help?"

She tried once. Twice was too much. 

The consequences of my actions... are that I could so easily disappear and it would affect so few people. My current clients, sure. But that's just a role. My family... yes and now. A couple of friends. 

My friend reaches out to me from New York and says 'whats your address, I need to send you my keys." 

The keys and trust of someone's life... and I tell this story that I am all alone... its so mismatched. But the truth is also that I will be in New York with her cat, but basically alone for a week, filling my days with the things that make me come alive... and then going to bed without anyone but G-d and a blog to tell. 

Sunday alone

 I woke up fairly early. Missed E. Something about a weekend spent alone, going through my routines alone, preparing for the week alone. By 10 when church came on YouTube, I was ready to leave. Went to get groceries. The air quality is unhealthy again. It smelled like chemicals in the garage. It spelled like campfire at cub. Buying groceries for myself and it’s still over 100$.

I got home cut up a watermelon, a cucumber, a green pepper, a chicken.  Ate lunch and decided to go see a movie. Surrounded by people but feeling very alone. 

I liked the movie. Nolan’s version of the odyssey. It was entertaining throughout, but the thing I loved the most was the tie in to moral injury/ptsd - told through the god’s punishments, and the impending doom… whether it was of this world or otherworldly, it spoke of consequences for your actions external or internal. 

I cried. 

I left. I ate watermelon and did laundry. It’s about 6pm. 

I’ll make dinner. Maybe read. I’ll wake up to another week of this. Maybe seem hamlet on Wednesday. Maybe go to an open mic. Maybe see family. 

This morning, I wondered why I am doing any of this… what allegiance do I owe to this place and these routines, that sustain me but feel so lonely. Why not travel the world? Why not be more adventurous. And of course when I do those things I am also alone… but maybe seeing more than the same old places, the same people, the same tasks and thoughts… 

I dunno. I always leave in search of something new, to run from something old. I am very odyssean I guess. Maybe that’s why the movie felt real. Trying to be moral, but failing, trying to be a leader and take responsibility for others choices, trying to defy the gods, trying to find a home that you want to deserve, but aren’t sure you do. So you stay away with your lotus petals… wait for some rescue. 

Saturday

 My step sister called me out this morning. Mostly for not showing up. But also for not figuring things out… I corrected the story a bit, but agreed that I wasn’t doing a good job of showing up. I asked her to help with the brainstorming. How can I engage without it feeling like it hurts me, or causes additional burden for them.

I’d been wondering… am I just being self-righteous. Is it just a different version of the self righteousness that my rents have?  Not any different? But the more I’ve been thinking about it, no. I am not fighting for my comfort, or my ideals… I am fighting against things that are actually causing harm. And maybe they personally aren’t the ones causing the harm, but their attitude of neutrality, of “Hey I didn’t hold the gun against the back of their head” (I just didn’t say anything, and funded it… and maybe voted for it too). Their attitude of “its their own fault.” Their attitude of “both sides are in the wrong…” when again, were talking about a gross imbalance of power… We are talking about families being ripped apart, people in concentration camps, torture, violence, killing, intentional terror campaigns. Intentional retribution. You don’t need to be on the front lines to condemn the cruelty. Its easy enough to just not say “well… you shouldn’t cause disruption when you fight back against cruelty…” As in, its ok to fight back as long as your mouth is taped shut, your hands are tied behind your back, and you’re on your knees already. Sure… sure… neutral on a moving train. When they are actively harming my community, you can’t say you’re neutral. That’s as good as saying “I support you to your face, but I’ll never have your back.” Cool… well we know where we stand then.

When you watch a force attempt to dismantle the society you’ve helped build (undermining my country, my state, my city, my business, my community, my students and clients…), and the family you love -literally friends and family who are being hurt by this… and the future potential and opportunities of your own grandchildren… and none of that causes you to want to stand up.  All respect, all trust gone. When you double down, say you’re the victim despite the active harm being perpetrated on others… na… that’s just gross.

My sister called it a temper tantrum, pointed out there was no end game in this boundary setting. I said I tried to explain… they didn’t want to change. I am not gonna make myself miserable for people who don’t want to care. I am not gonna cry all week, while they pretend nothing has changed. Boundaries for myself… because I am not willing to be hurt when it doesn’t benefit me to stay in relationship. For now, I will have to love them from afar. I’ve been clear with my Dad. Maybe I need to be clear with the rest of the family… but I have also been trying to protect them from this. Tried to keep it between me and the rents… but maybe it isn’t. Automatically. I mean, I am mad that they would support people who are destroying the environment and the country. What world are you preparing for your grandkids? But even if you cant… why condemn those who are fighting back?

 

Wrestling

 Each time there is a family get together with my Dad's side of the family I am suddenly thrust into another round of wrestling internally. 

Its my nephews birthday tomorrow. 

What do I want to do?

Part of me wants to attend, to invest in family, to let the littles know I am around, to keep the peace. 

Part of me wants to avoid it entirely. 

Part of me wants to reach out to my step sis and say what gift can I buy, I can either stop by for 15 minutes or just send it. 

If I lived in a different city, or was on vacation, it wouldn't be a big deal. If I had something else going on, I could make excuses... but I live in St. Paul, and I have no life. 

Earlier this week, I was preparing myself to go. I thought: this will be the time that I show up, I am courteous, and then I leave. Do my part, while also acknowledging I am still unhappy.

Then on Monday another man was shot and killed by ICE, and I thought... fuck these people and anyone who doesn't condemn them fully. 

Throughout the week I have been varying between these positions. Do I stay or do I go kna mean...

I was hoping the "energy healer experience I was supposed to have today would settle it for me..." Help me to feel confident enough, grounded enough in my own experience and story to attend without fanfare. I was practicing it in my head this morning. This desire to say "I've been wronged, but I want to move past that." The appointment was supposed to be after work... I needed my car.

I went out to my car this morning and had the flattest tired I have ever had. Considered canceling on clients to attend to it, but every cancelation is the money I'd spend on tires... so -I walked quickly to work in the 80 degree heat of July... and made it a minute late for my first appointment. And cancelled my energy healing intake because there is no way to make it to the border of wisconsin without 4 tires. 

During the day of clients, I found myself considering and reconsidering tomorrow. I am nearly always doing this. But on one hand, I found myself wondering why I was avoiding? What would be so bad? a little discomfort, a little anxiety, no big deal. On the other hand, wondering how do I maintain boundaries for myself if I let other people violate them without even attempting repair. What does it say that they aren't reaching out?

With one client, I considered all the ways we hold ourselves back... talk ourselves into self harm, even feel righteous about it. With the next, how many missed opportunities, miscommunication without attempting to reconnect. With the next, the difficulty of being let down by parents who don't have the capacity to change. The push pull of wanting to be there for them, but wishing they had been able to be there for you...

Which story do I go with?

I found myself wondering if I need to start imagining my dad differently. Maybe imagining him more like my little brother, or E. As people who I adore, but who don't have the ability to work through certain challenges... almost like a disability. Maybe I need to see him that way. He could work through it, but not with his current level of resources and overwhelm. The very idea of thinking or feeling or acting differently is just too far outside of his scope or ability right now. Maybe he can intellectually get it, but he can't fully empathize or he would burn himself out. And so out of fear... out of self protection... he must choose this. 

I found myself thinking earlier in the week, what if my Dad is right? What if its just one thing and he can't be pushed and pulled and give up his center, to please others. Maybe he has a longer term understanding of history... maybe he believes in an arc in which injustice happens, but it gets corrected you just have to wait -almost zen or tao. 

I found myself wondering if I accept their version of reality, will it destroy my foundation? And do I need to take a stand for my version, my story. Maybe are competing narratives just can't coexist, and be definition mine will eventually take over, but in the meantime that Boomer generation can't give up their hold. Maybe he needs to be around with this particular story - so as to take care of his grandkids, or stay active... But I equally need to hold on to my narrative. In the end, I am right, he is wrong, and he will suffer the consequences of being wrong... diminished opportunities, kids that aren't as close as he'd hoped, reduced finances, isolation, indignity. He'll be subjected to the things I am fighting against... as natural consequences...

I came home after work... ran around trying to get AAA to do my car. AAA which he gifts me. I feel indebted to the gifts. Obligated by transaction. Doesn't feel good. 

I questioned my relationship with these folks... my step sister, in what way does she add to my life?  In what way is she invested in me?   My step mom?   My dad even?  

I don't know. I have a way I want to be in the world, and a way in which I can avoid... but I don't know how to hold strong while also engaging. It feels inauthentic, even more so than playing a role. SO I am still wrestling. 

Maybe my blown tire will give me an excuse. 

Maybe the lack of energy healing forces me to choose for myself rather than having someone else to point to. 

Maybe I am waiting for them to reach out in a way that isn't just guilting, but rather in a way of saying... I miss you and I've been thinking about what you said... and I am capable of change. 

Smoke signals danger signals hiding

  I remember when I was in Guatemala City being choked by the smog, the particulates in the air from the volcano... and feeling drained, unmotivated, brainfoggy. Last night I kind of felt that way as the smoke from the wildfires moved in. Felt like I was stuck on distraction, couldn't think clearly or be creative. 

This morning, I woke up to a similar funk. I slept just fine, but had already decided to work from home today... and its been a very slow drag of a morning. I woke up with sinus pressure and a headache. I woke up without an ounce of go-getter. I woke up thinking of the dream I'd had, in which I was realizing it was my last full day at work. My calendar for tomorrow was empty -except to clear out my office. And though I was sad, I also felt ready to move on. Excited even to start whatever was my next chapter. 

As the morning has developed... I've had three cups of coffee and an excedrin but my head still doesn't feel right. Starting to feel more energy maybe... but also kind of dire. I am thinking of my failures, of my freezes, of my not knowing how to move forward. I am thinking of the open mic tonight and how I am not sure I even want to go, because the air quality says "hazardous (AQI of 405)."  I sometimes feel weighed down by over 60.  I am thinking about Saturday which is my nephews birthday and how I don't want to deal with the relationship tensions with my parents. I am thinking about going to the energy healer tomorrow, and how the drive over there might deplete me more than the positives of being attended to. 

I am the type of mammal that hides deeper in the ground to conserve energy in the winter. That hides from the fire in a cave. That hoards and hibernates. And also the kind that wants to make changes in the world... and today I am definitely in the tails camp and not the heads...

Its pretty fascinating how this biological lack leads to difficult thoughts of worthiness, of existential crisis, of dread but also just letting go...  like whats the point?

But at the same time, I could answer that question with "Why not care or engage then..."   

conservation of energy...

My head hurts.  I am not sure if my first client will show up. I basically have like 5 appointments in a row, but the middle one I get to eat lunch, and I can kind of imagine others cancelling -because they may feel like they are in the same spot as me today. 

Its harsh. 

An hour or so later: 

After working for 30 minutes... life seems easier again. I wonder why I am holding myself back from opportunities.  Why avoid, why hide... 

Its so odd.

Summer

 We might be at that point in summer where it becomes kind of unbearable. No more afternoon strolls, enjoying the flowers, and the late light in evenings. 

The wild fires are making things orange.

The heat is so intense you can't stay outside long.

The smell of campfire, the sneezing, the irritated eyes, throat, skin.

And me wondering how I'll meet someone when I can't stand to be around anyone. 

And me heading home to get air conditioning.

And me dressed in a long sleeve.

And me with a mask.

And me feeling lonely when I don't have opportunities to connect.

I got away from work early to go do some writing, but the place I chose had too much traffic to concentrate, and too many weather changes were giving me a headache, and I drove home feeling like I'd missed out on all opportunities for the day and might as well crawl into bed. 

Its 7:20 pm. I could be writing... I made dinner and did the dishes. I could be reading.

But I am lonely, and fiening. 

Tomorrow I am hoping to go to the open mic, but I might also feel like I can't stand the air quality and run home. I was planning on going to protests over the weekend, but if I can't breathe... no. 

They say the fires could burn till snowfall.