meh hard to be alone

I feel like I've never made a good marinade. Tonight's was so bad that I had to take the garbage out because the smell was rough. 

I don't know what to do tonight... I have two more things on my list (write/journal) and do the breathing exercise.

I don't feel very creative today. I woke up thinking I'd go spend a day at a coffee shop and be creative... and by the time I got to one I was kind or irritable. I spent an hour writing apologies to people that I've wronged or ghosted, then began to write them to people I have mixed feelings around, either open or never acknowledged conflicts. It felt good at first, then I realized I was really just writing for myself. It wasn't a true apology. I didn't want to hear their side of the story, didn't want to confront the situation... just say sorry, my bad and then dip. 

I started to reread the entries/writing I'd down around the time I started fighting with my dad and step mom... I got angry again and couldn't concentrate on anything else. 

I decided I should go for a walk. On the walk, due to the heat and other factors. I became increasingly sad, pitiful, irritated with myself. Half way through I felt pretty down, lonely, abandoned, rejected.  Felt like I was wasting my life and that even though I'd been given a lot of love by others, I didn't really feel very connected. -This is sort of the opposite of how I've felt lately -been doing a lot of meditation, self compassion, breathing, visualizations, gratitude exercises  ---all of which have kept me feeling ok despite feeling super sensitive... realizing how miserable I was making myself, I started to do one of these exercises while walking and within minutes I was crying, but also working through all the difficult emotions. I was imagining myself being there for my younger self who feels like too much, and all alone. I held him, shared positive feedback etc... 

The last 15-20 minutes of my walk I was sweating my ass off and uncomfortable but not sad/irritable anymore. I got groceries. Came home and showered. Did some spanish. 

I don't really want to go for a walk because its like 85 and humid. I don't really want to reach out to folks... feel like I am doing good for myself... but don't know how to expand that into something bigger.

Since I got home, I've been on and off having that anger with my family pop up. I think I miss my Dad. I feel like I don't know what to do about that, because yeah, I could see him. It would be fine. But I am still angry and hurt... and it feels like its not my job to make things better anymore. Thats the promise I've been trying to fulfill for myself. It's not my job to do other's work for them... its my job to be there for myself. I did that today. But ... still alone. When will that change?

I wish I could say I am gonna be productive tonight... but I know I am gonna go lay in bed on my phone. Its about 7pm and I am ready for bed. 

3 things

 1) There is this place in my dreams that repeats. It reminds me a bit of that backrooms movie. I think initially it was this massive extension of a home I lived in as a child. Underground tunnels led to large structures, more and more rooms. I don't recall if in that initial dream there were some tunnels/rooms that were scary, but over time, within the dream, these structures took on this otherworldly scary quality. The theme repeats every so often. Sometimes it is literally like a horror movie nightmare. Most of the time it is a normal dream in which there are areas that are off limits, or not for us. I am being subtle here, but it is something like demons, ghosts, devils... these rooms are hellish... even if they look normal, upon entering you feel it creeping up your skin. Shivering with sudden fear. It's like when you're in your basement at night and you feel something is with you. It's like when you're running up the stairs and you feel something chasing you. That the feel of these spaces. In the dreams I've never confronted the evil, or seen it... I just know. Multiple times I've felt it... I just know that there are certain spaces that are off limits.  Anyway, last night I had one of those dreams... it started with an icecream truck that was being sold, and turned into me cleaning two of the rooms that were adjacent to one of these hallways that leads to the evil... and I wondered why I felt so ok... being just one room away. Like I was getting more and more comfortable living beside this thing... less scared of it?  I dunno... I just find it weird. I know I've had a lot of vivid dreams lately... last nights wasn't a nightmare, it was nightmare adjacent and I guess I felt confident enough to manage. 

2) I went to see Hadestown again. Loved it, but maybe didn't need to see it sooo quickly. Still cried through the end. On the way home I saw dozens of people out enjoying a summer friday night together. And felt even lonelier. 

3) I don't have much to do this weekend. I couldn't find a protest other than probably just the street ones. I could do that. It's supposed to be really hot, and maybe a little rain. So maybe coffee shop and writing?  I finished a poem (I think) and even recorded a video of it last night... felt good. It reminded me in some weird way that my enneagram's growth position is a 3, use your voice, step into the light, express yourself. But I still haven't performed at the open mic I've been going to all summer. I am not sure what I want to publish. Not sure what I am doing for my next steps... Tonight is pretty much over though... so it will have to be sat and sun. 

Distracted

 I've felt kind of distracted today.

Thinking about overlapping and non overlapping moralities and their intersection with privilege and power.

A leader who gives an order and a million die from sudden neglect... but it serves him and he doesn't think about the consequences. 

A person who checks their phone 400 times a day and only 3 times a year is reminded of the slave labor that wrestled the materials from the earth and manufactured it... thinks how sad, and then scrolls to the next thing. Again, it serves me, I do nothing regarding the consequences. 

A person who in their desire to be close to power, doxes and serves as lapdog vengeance for the powerful.

A person who in their desperation to fight back harms the non-influential family member of the powerful.

A system that is rigged to serve one group immorally, and an attempt to disrupt that system that uses the same tools is considered immoral. (We don't believe in political violence -says the side with the largest army). 

Give unto caesar what is caesars... 

Well... more than half of the emperors of rome died by violence, held power through violence, died by violence. Some of them got statues and coins, some of those statues were also beheaded. 

Is the exercise of thinking of the morality in itself a barrier to change, a binding spell cast down upon the masses... that the elite instill on others but do not follow? religion the opiate... until the next religion whether it be capitalism, or nationalism, or what can be pushed... 

I watched a video yesterday that reminded me: we are animals. We don't ask the dog what its purpose is. We get annoyed but don't judge it for barking or leaping. A group of dogs can be violent toward one another, but we don't call it violence. We don't need each of its behaviors to have a deeper meaning. We don't ask it to bear the weight of the world. Don't question whether it has been productive enough today to deserve it's daily bread. 

When dogs fight over food, they don't question fairness or morality. If our leaders choose to destroy the ties that bind us together, pitting us one against the other, dismantle the shared safety nets, the-communal resources, starve us, deprive us, make it impossible to thrive, make it impossible to see neighbor as brother or peer, but as competition to scrap with... is it not moral to question and fight the system that creates such conditions.

Sometimes, I think about things more historically... its only recently that we started assigning morality to past historical actions... "they were bad for doing x."  I mean, sure... but without x the world you know would not exist. There are statues of Christopher Columbus all over latin america... he was not a good man, even his own people recognized that at the time... but he isn't remembered for being good, his actions had consequences that made opportunities for us today.   I think some elite think of things on that scale. Some leaders don't care whether their contribution was good or bad, just consequential. Change the map. Get your name in every paper and history book. Be the first, or the unique... 

These qualities don't really serve those they lead... but they are impactful. One could say -hey there are positive leaders who added, created, benefited humanity... yes, but probably also at a cost, a disruption. 

Maybe we need to get out of this mindset that disruption is bad -it is a scarcity position. Survival mode. Don't cause friction or things could get worse... they are getting worse, is your obedience to the system helping? at what point do you take a bigger risk to make things better?  

restless anxiety and insecurity a test?

I'm not sure what it is. I think I am doing a good job managing it, but I find it funny to suddenly feel insecure again. I was feeling pretty optimistic, aligned, (there was so many little coincidences and what not) and then suddenly I am doing that Hinge thing and I just lose all confidence. 

Yesterday I realized all my appointments are online today, so I figured I'd just work from home. But sitting in front of a computer all day, feeling trapped, feeling restless, feeling like I haven't done enough... is badddddd. 

I ate a salad for lunch and walked around the block. I did my breathing and meditation exercises. Things feel better. I am just aware that the wind was taken from my sails. Probably some grief. Probably something to do with that nightmare -as I reread it I saw multiple themes of trying to move forward and getting stuck or trapped even prior to the feeling taken advantage of...  probably something to do with not knowing the *right way forward... 

On facebook I am part of this 'therapist dating group' where its just therapists talking about how hard it is to date. We are all scattered around the world -so it isn't really like people on there to hook up -even if they wanted to. Themes include: I am healing from a difficult relationship, I see red flags everywhere, I don't know how to get out of work mode, I have to deal with all these people's assumptions and insecurities around dating a therapist... and just the difficulty of putting yourself out there when you've been holding space for others all week. Very relatable, but I am not sure its helpful for me to keep reading them.

Tonight I am gonna go to trivia again. I think maybe next week I will invite people. Doesn't hurt to ask. 

Not sure what the rest of the week looks like... open mic. Maybe need to find a protest.  In a few weeks I am going to a training all weekend... but for now... just chilling.

Ok I lied

 I did download hinge and started filling it out, and then just got kind of repulsed by the whole thing and deleted it. 

I’m not sure what it was… maybe because I basically only have selfies for pictures. Maybe because when picking three prompts I felt like I was limiting myself and didn’t know how to make an honest impression. Do I tell people I’m a picky eater and weed out all the folks that would find that annoying? Do I tell people I’m a therapist? Do I share about my goal of traveling the world? Do I pretend like I’m interested in small talk dates?  I just have no fucking desire for traditional dating. I never have. I get to know someone, fall for them and then ask them if they can see themselves continuing to hang with me… I don’t really know another way to weed through all the bullshit. I don’t want to go on dates. I have a hard enough time not turning them into intake sessions. 

Everyone I’ve ever fell for I saw from across a room and felt they were special. I’m just not drawn to the digital profile in the same way. I’d probably weed out all the people who are compatible in favor of those who take good pictures or know how to write well. Both of which I’d love in a partner but that’s not all.   

I find myself wanting to say, if you can’t handle a political conversation or one on religion, psychology or culture I’m out. If you love dogs and sports, or nationalism im out. If you can’t put up with someone who eats chicken nuggets and fries or Chinese for half his meals… if you don’t love humans! If you can’t see yourself traveling outside of a resort - but also I’m not a wilderness person. I love exploring cities and the things humans have made. I dunno.  I am better in person is what I’m trying to say, if you don’t find me endearing it will never work. 

Follow up from last post

 It’s close to 11. I had a couple of cancellations. I’ve been scrolling on the social media and looking at news. 

My first appointment was fine, but there is a heaviness still that I haven’t shaken. 

After writing down my dream this morning, I pulled tarot cards. 2 of cups, the sun, 10 of pentacles, judgment. A whole spread of super powerful positive messages. It made me cry. Made me feel like maybe the difficulties could be overcome, that there was something better around the corner that I had not felt worthy of… maybe a nightmare could be a tower moment, let it fall and see what can be built from the ashes- perhaps a better world. 

I pray that such despair and suffering can be made into empathy and growth, that my own shame, guilt and wrongdoing can be repurposed toward light.  

But it’s been a heavy morning, and I don’t feel that yet. I feel like I am going through the motions and trying to fake it till I make it. 

My friend asked me last night why I perceive invitations as coming with strings even if they don’t exist… I said I’ve grown up with shame, fear, fear that something will be taken before I am ready, fear that I won’t be able to say no, shame that I am not enough, and it’s only a matter of time till someone finds out. Etc. she said she’s known me for 23 years and I still have some breathing room. 

To live differently… to perceive a sheep as a sheep?  M used to confront me with that, she said not every sheep is secretly a lion… but I knew she was a lion, and I dropped my guard anyway… more and more, I am less hurt and angry with her, and far more judgmental of myself for the way I responded to being hurt. 

Maybe I think  of myself as a lion in sheep’s clothes, so I project that on the world?

I dunno… but it’s hard to put things back into boxes this morning. I have a hope - that somehow that strange dream was trying to tell me that things could be better… even though it didn’t feel that way in the dream. Like let’s burn off this piece of karma, and let you breakthrough (judgment card). 

I’ve also just been afraid in the back of my mind that something will happen and I won’t know how to respond… because I feel self righteous. What happens when I run face first into regret? Will I feel ashamed and guilty again, or will I be able to acknowledge that I feel regret because I loved, but could not find a way to be loving.

I went to see Hadestown the movie (a recorded broadway show) and cried and cried throughout… doubt comes in.  

But we’re gonna sing it again and again. 

It’s important to do so. 

I know the intent of my heart. Even if others can’t always give it the benefit of the doubt, I can be the one who does so. My heart is good. 

2nd follow up 7:25  Gonna go for a walk after this I think... 

Today E officially changed her fb status to dating the guy I'd suspected she was dating since Feb.  I felt her pull back around that time. She never confirmed anything, and I didn't ask. But she became less communicative and didn't always follow through... around April or May I saw a picture of her with someone... and said "yeah that makes sense."  Since then, I've assumed. I am sad. But I am happy for her. I don't want to hold her back. I guess I am more just dealing with a touch of the old grief. But its good. It's a good thing. 

Also, I told myself I'd download a dating app. Went with Hinge. We shall see. 

Also... I kept forgetting to mention this in my journaling this weekend... but the thought occurred to me of how set in my ways I am... or how unwilling I am to change.  I think about the influence of others in my life and I can acknowledge the impacts of folks I've dated or been friends with... but I find it odd how much I am still exactly the same even after I get out of these relationships. E definitely helped me be more aware of my home environment...  and added some furniture for sure. But... I dunno. My activity interests and style didn't shift much. I actually went back to the way I'd been before her  -as in things like watching tv (way more with her than alone)...  but also I think that is representative of where she was in her life. She wasn't able to go out or do much, felt stuck, felt scared... hopefully she has continued to grow since we broke up (almost two years ago now) (end of sept early oct)?

Disturbing nightmare (trigger warning).

I woke up at about 3 am and couldn't fall back to sleep. I was able to rest. I was not restless. I was not overthinking, or tossing and turning. Sure my stomach was uncomfy... but nothing new. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep till after 4am.  Which is when I had this nightmare. 

The dream started off ok. I woke up early, too early. Someone else was waking up for their thing, but it was too quiet in the house, and I realized I'd not be able to get back to sleep. So I decided to go out on the town... to explore this place. Donuts. I had a feeling I'd been to this town before, probably in a dream, over there on the right is the place where that one thing happened, vagaries like that, over here is a coffee place... the kind of thing I do when I am traveling, map out a city in my mind, notice spots, notice them from a different approach to make the model 3d, to draw it out. I knew of several donut places, but I didn't want to just do a standard thing. I wanted to meet the moment of early morning adventure. 

I found this small bakery/patisserie on the top of a building that I knew had some shops inside. How I got up there, I do not know. But I tried to read the menu board and couldn't. I asked for a smaller version of it thinking that I needed better glasses. It didn't seem to help. It felt like I was reading italian. The experience of it made me question my idea of adventure, maybe I am not up for this you know. But there were pictures, and in the pictures they had pastries that looked like a mix between a croissant and a slice of pie... pistachio, chocolate mousse, I worried about the dairy content, but by the time I was considering this, the morning crowds were forming. It was a very popular place. I am not sure if I ended up getting anything. 

I found myself at a sort of construction job site. It was a warehouse of sorts, in which things were still being arranged. I found myself crawling on top of floor that was rapidly meeting the ceiling. I don't know why I kept inching forward, but eventually became stuck. The only way out, to inch backwards. I felt trapped and scared, the world was crowding in, I was shocked that anyone would ever make this.  Eventually I was able to push myself back enough to get out, but the ordeal of it was distressing. I told someone, they nodded with a laugh -as if I should have known better.

I found myself in an office full of people. It was the gathering place for therapists before they went off to see clients. People were drinking coffee, chatting, prepping things. It was bustling, and at the same time, felt like everyone was confident of their role and place. I knew my schedule was open until later in the day. I had a supervisee (who was actually an old student of mine), followed by a couple of appointments. It was going to be an easy day, so I was enjoying the company. 

(nightmare part) I woke up early. Confused. I felt like I had gotten a lot of sleep but I wasn't sure why, or what was happening. The day started fine, but I had this suspicion something was missing and couldn't place it.  I started going through my motions, occasionally talking to people. Some gave me smirks like they knew something, others seemed oblivious. I tried to trace back the time... 

I had been sitting in the shared room enjoying the company. It didn't go beyond that. My memory just hit a wall. I was supposed to see my supervisee, I had no recollection of that meeting. I was supposed to have a couple of appointments, I couldn't bring them to mind. What is wrong with me? I had to have been there right? I was already at work... but I couldn't convince myself that I had completed the tasks I couldn't remember. 

Am I sick? Did something happen?  I started to feel very unsure of myself, not just the loss of the memory, but what did this mean about my work if I can't complete tasks? What does it mean if I ghost clients? What was wrong with me?  What if it happened again?  What if I lost my job?

I was honestly worried sick, and somewhat afraid to ask. But forced myself to. But people's answers didn't make sense. They seemed to suggest I was fine, happy even. 

Eventually I was in a room of people again. Colleagues, old friends, people I didn't know. I think there were layers of this where I was hearing about behaviors I did that weren't quite right. Someone suggested I left work to go have sex. I couldn't fathom that. My friend (who I haven't seen in 20+ years) said, I saw you eating a poptart and a hotdog, and I was just soooo thrown off by that. In what world would I be doing that? That doesn't make any sense... and then someone said you went home with those two girls... and it dawned on me that I had been drugged. 

One of them was there in the room, or was later in the dream... and when I confronted her, she wasn't defensive, or hurt, or empathetic, or anything. She seemed almost giddy, she was so excited by what she had done, she felt empowered... and she didn't seem to think it had hurt me, even though I was crying and shaking with how violated I'd felt. She seemed to think she had done this brilliant thing (kind of like someone is manic and they only see their side as being important).  She started talking about all the ways they had violated me, gone past my boundaries, and I couldn't... I felt validated in knowing the truth, but sooo shaken up. 

I found myself later trying to explain why I was so upset. Even though I felt physically fine, and had no  recall of any of these experiences (even when she talked about them -nothing came up). But the experience of having so many people aware of my behaviors and misinterpreting my experiences -without me knowing anything... I guess I realized I had to tell people the truth. I was drugged and raped.

I started trying to explain this to a group of friends and family, but they weren't really taking it seriously, and I snapped at one of them who made a comment that implied I was being dramatic. He apologized after... people didn't know what to do or say. I told them I knew I needed to press charges, but without any memories I didn't really care... the feeling of being violated and robbed of my memory, felt soooo  -I don't even know the word. I just felt like the whole of me was thrown aside and now I was maybe not worthless... but like not of worth. Like there was nothing to be confident or center in anymore. I'd lost all of my self.  Someone had plucked out my sense of self and the earned value... now I was basically just flesh to be played with. I wanted to die. 

That was my conclusion. Not that I would kill myself. Not that I had a plan or anything...

I just was surrounded by friends and family, and it didn't matter anymore, I pressed my head to the table and mumbled it. And no one knew how to respond, so they just kept moving and whirling around me. I want to die. 

Then I woke up... still feeling shaken and vulnerable. Wondering what it means. I spent the next few hours tossing, waking, thinking about it, wanting better outcomes. wanting to dream and not be awake. I had thoughts of those I knew have been sexually assaulted, I had thoughts of my own trespasses. I had thoughts of wondering if I would lose my sex drive over this dream which seemed to turn one person's pleasure into another's despair. In some ways, I want to claim this nightmare as a positive, an expansion of empathy?  But I am also just really alarmed, creeped out by how viscerally I felt all of these experiences. (not the thing itself, but the aftermath).

I know I need to shift out of these thoughts and into my day... but it felt important to write them down. 

Invitation

This weekend I was invited to some things, and said yes. 

On Friday a friend asked me to go to a sound bath in a park. I have been to sound baths, but had never been to this park nor knew what I was showing up for. I went. I enjoyed it. It was awkward, but good. 

(I'll come back to this). 

On Saturday I went to my old roommate's 40th birthday party. I didn't know what to expect except that I would run into old friends/roommates I potentially hadn't seen in 10-15 years. I went, it was awkward at times, but really good. 

On Sunday I went to breakfast with some of those same folks. Wasn't sure what to expect, threw some ideas out there. It was really fun. My friend (past roommate) who had invited me to breakfast is different than the one who had the birthday. But both asked me to reach out, or even come visit (the ones out of town).   

Lately I've been doing this heart meditation, and one of the things you're supposed to do is cultivate a positive feeling in your heart. I've cultivated appreciation, gratitude, curiosity, openness, but one that has been particularly hard and also particularly moving is the feeling of being invited. My friend invited me into her home in New York to take care of her precious living things. My friends of old and new invite me to activities. People invite me all the time... and I don't always take them up on it... don't trust the invitation. 

But walking around the lake today after breakfast, I was thinking about -how did I lose all these nourishing fun/silly/adventurous friends?   And how nice it is that even a decade later they don't hesitate...  You are invited. You are welcome. You are weird and we know it. We want you around anyway.  As I was walking the lake -I was thinking about how I let go of so many of these relationships (for multiple reasons), but one of the reasons I lost community was that when people invited me -I didn't show up. And that when I became tired/disconnected/lost or hurt... I let go of the people who invited me into positive connecting relationship -often by holding tighter to the people who made me feel needed (but didn't quite fill my cup).  

At the soundbath I laid on the ground staring at the sky, watching bugs and birds, and occasional planes fly by. Watched the clouds float. Listened to the ringing, waves of sound, let them reverberate through me... felt myself resting on the Earth, recognized I'll never not be held by the Earth. That I am tied to this planet and can always trust that. 

At the party last night I watched people take risks for a joke, or to perform (there was karaoke) I didn't perform or feel the need to... but it was just such a fun atmosphere. Even the folks who picked songs that were way out of their ability... it was like the harder they tried the more you loved them. I dunno, it was just a really fun experience.  My friend shared that he lost some of his voice this morning after performing... and I was like... yeah but you created an experience for people that they didn't know could exist... and it was awesome. 

At breakfast this morning (4-5 of us) sat around eating, making jokes, being curious, being open, trusting that silliness was ok, trusting that seriousness was ok.  These are all friends from Morris and it was like -the old morris community. I missed that ability to flow in and out... to banter, to build off one another, to make call backs. I just appreciate these folks so much. 

I dunno... 

Tonight I might go see Hadestown (adapted for the movie theater) or "the Invite"

I guess I was planning on seeing the first, but now that I am writing this, wondering if I should see the second. What do you think? is there some sort of kismet thing?

Not sure what else to say. I have an hour to make the decision. Gonna do some breathing and meditating. Gonna do some dishes. Maybe a little work. Life is really good... 

but also still waiting for a change. 

Energy work (sat) and Self Assessment (Sun)

 

Energy work

Went out to the border of Wisconsin to see an energy worker. Wasn’t entirely sure what to expect as it seems they are all a little different. I liked her space, art and spiritual items on the walls and shelves, jewelry for sale, butterflies over the bed space, a nice scent, low light.

To be perfectly honest I kind of had a hard time taking in the person. I guess I was trying to notice where I was at and how I felt. Vulnerable. And in that space I don’t make as much eye contact. She seemed to be able to pick up on the things I was thinking a few seconds after I had thought them, sometimes slightly off.

I can’t remember what I wrote in my intake form, but she was prepared.

She introduced me to a few larger concepts I hadn’t visualized or considered before but generally I was familiar with 90% of what she was sharing, and to some extent she overshared… or, I got it, and kind of tuned her out to notice what I was experiencing, including my desire to intellectualize things. But it was all pretty clear cut even though she shared for a bit.

 

I think the energy work part also mirrored what I was experiencing overall.

It is so hard to allow myself to be attended to.  To trust that someone is able to do so, without their own agenda, without their needs being met first.

She acknowledged this going in, “hey let me take care of myself, let me clear the space, that’s the part you’re paying for.”  I share similar sentiments with my clients. This is your space, your time, let me adjust and do my own work, you have no need to attend to me.

(Which maybe sometimes is a lie?)

But anyway… to some extent I was tuning her out because what she was sharing already made sense to me, and she was explaining to allow me to get comfortable with the procedure and it was helpful, but I picked up what she was putting down.

She did give me some flowery language that felt good, but that I didn’t fully trust. She said you have a strong hara line (which she explained), but there is a disconnect with your aura, like they aren’t talking to one another… meaning in essence, you have a great ability to be integrated/connected/aligned in a durable sturdy way, but it isn’t resonating outward to the environment -as in you know you’re capable, but you’re masking/disconnected. Which she acknowledged.

So the way she would integrate was to use the heart chakra as a gateway between the spirit and the body, and sort of integrate/open/expand not just the flow of the connection between these chakras but then outward into the larger field. And it all made sense to me energetically and intellectually.

But on the table… a different thing.

She asked me to basically ground into my heart space, and I can do that easily. Bring to mind gratitude, appreciation, etc. Again, most of the time easily… breathe into them, expand… ok why can’t I breathe?

Then after settling into that rhythm, relaxing a little bit into that centeredness she switched to the upper chakras and at times I felt a little aware of my furrowed brow, the heaviness in my mind… but again more easily integrated. Then she switched to my sacral, and solar plexus … and again, why don’t I know how to breathe, to relax, to sit with, to be attended to. These great judgments that held me locked into place. And this desire to open up, to let go, to be held and understood… such great desire to be known and cared for… but the fear so much stronger. Not just those judgments -why don’t you know how… but underlying them, why are you so afraid, why don’t you believe you deserve it, why do you push this away so strongly?  

I started crying, turned away, couldn’t breathe. She told me I was doing good, that I wasn’t alone, that it was ok. And my inner judge that keeps me safe was very much defensive to those statements. Made me want to laugh. “I’m not alone? Really?”  “I’m ok?  I don’t even know how to let someone get close to me without being afraid.” “I’m doing good… yeah right. Every part of me wants to turn away right now.”

She told me after there is a lot of grief there. I think that’s the nice way to put it… grief is the underlying emotion, grief and hurt, loneliness, rejection, self abandonment, abandonment by others… there is a tremendous amount of grief there, but its coming up as trauma. It’s coming up as unsafe/and judgy. 

If I have access to my brain, or my heart in this case I can try to remind myself… but multiple times I had to open my eyes to remind myself where I was, and that it was ok. Afterwards as we were debriefing a little and scheduling another appointment I started dissociating a lot. It was wild how unreal everything felt… I was just gone -either locked into thoughts… or just not present at all. I was able to get through it. Settled myself in the sun walking around the parking lot and the sidewalk… but

I am sooo comfortable and safe in my head. I can get to my heart easily… but beneath that?  To integrate with this body, to feel grounded can be so hard sometimes.

I’ve been doing a lot of meditations around feeling rooted… around breathing through each chakra. I think she could sort of tell that I have the ability to do these things… but they require safety and effort.  Let go, let someone else take care of you? Place their hand on your stomach, or your heart… oooh.

I felt better after. Good enough that I almost said hi to someone in chipotle just because I liked their smile… But I also feel sad for myself. 

This is pretty much the same space I got to with doing trauma work the last couple times. There is a vulnerability that is just soooo uncomfortable…and like so many layers of protection, trying to keep me separate, trying to keep me from going there.

On the long drive home, part of me reviewed some of my recent experiences of feeling attended to, welcomed, appreciated… how awesome it felt, how much difficulty I had trusting it.  How many times have I avoided someone else’s genuine intention to just love me?    Why does it feel so unsafe to do so. 

This morning and yesterday, I was missing E. I was missing our relationship. Missing coming home to her. Having a partner. Having someone who I can share my days with. As I was driving out to this energy appointment I was shifting that grief into gratitude… how lucky was I to have such a beautiful experience?  And you don’t need to go to that next place, because the lopsidedness was also true. SO just be grateful and send some love and light…

But on the way home I was considering how I felt taken advantage of in multiple relationships… never really asserting my needs except with boundaries I’ve held since I was a kid (can’t eat that, have to wash my hands, etc.). How I was certainly left with the feeling at times that my needs didn’t matter, that my heart and my attempts to love weren’t good enough and I hadn’t earned approval or trust or love… And even if that wasn’t the impression they were trying to leave me with (EG. E…) that because she wasn’t in a good space it was the truth anyway.  And I can acknowledge because I didn’t feel safe in any of these relationships, I also held back, had doubts, put up walls when I could have let them in… but they hadn’t made it safe to do so… or couldn’t.

The interplay of I can show my own heart a lot of appreciation… I can even remind myself of positives others have shared, their welcome, their gratitude -but to let someone else hold my heart?

So I guess that’s my thing to keep working on…

Sunday Self Assessment

It's about 3pm

Today I went and got groceries, cut up some stuff, will have ribs in the oven before I go to a cultural show... (Flamenco dancing-saw it online and thought, why not). Most of the day I've felt like I am not doing enough, not being enough... in part because I don't have any feedback or anyone to share the day with. It's all me you know.

Around 11 I realized that other than many daily productivity, I basically assess myself under one metric and always come up short. I am not in a relationship. People will point out I have had multiple careers, have a successful business, maintain an apartment, have long time friends, connections around town, traveled the world, savings in my bank... etc. But I don't have a relationship or kids... so -

It's not a very fair standard is it? Totally dismisses so many things I have done, put time and effort into... lives I've impacted for better and worse. 

I've been trying to be more fair to myself recently, to invite in new opportunities to see myself and my world differently. Go to a flamenco show. Go see a play. Go try a new activity. Indulge in an old activity you love.  Go travel. Make a new dish... and each of these things does add a memory or new experience, and I really enjoy it. but I also often come up feeling short still.  

I went to see a movie last night around 7pm (my two big activities yesterday -energy work, and a movie).  I really liked the movie. It felt like something a little underhanded, like half the audience wouldn't be in on the joke. It was sexual, and gross, and kind of romantic, and weird... and it was exactly the kind of thing I love but never share with anyone. I was in a theater full of people laughing along, cringing at the same spots, uncomfortable by the gross parts, questioning their own morality... and when we walked out together I could tell other people enjoyed it, wanted to talk to their friends about it, stood around outside the theater to chat. And I went home. Played a computer game till midnight. Woke up again around 9 am to do it over again. 

I guess what I am saying is. I know its not really fair to me. But I also feel like its sort of inevitable that I would feel this way because all the positive things I do, also make me question why I am doing them alone.   

I thought about connecting with people in my building. For some reason my small interactions with them don't make me drawn to the idea. Maybe go to trivia a block away and ask folks to do that? low stakes. easy enough. Fun...  I might try it. But just not sure how to meet my people.

I've been thinking since I came home from New York that I am not satisfied with just a private practice. Maybe get back into teaching?   But today I was thinking about how eager I am to give away my free time to this new idea of working... when part of the reason for going into private practice was to have more work life balance. Like... wait a minute. This will be a job. Why am I trying to work more?  And I know its because I am bored... but why not take a class myself then? Why not try out something where I am meeting peers?  Why go hang out with presumably younger people for a few hours a week (working)... and not just create my own workshops? 

I dunno.

All that is to say. I think I live a really good life. I feel very blessed, and I have a lot to be grateful for. I have had more opportunities than a lot of folks, and though I am risk averse to a great degree... I've set myself up in a way that I can pursue basically anything I want to do. But I am... lonely.  Its very easy to judge myself when I am feeling so proud, and also so alone. 

This week should be easy enough... basically 5 people a day. Therapy on Wednesday I think. A birthday party on Saturday. This flamenco thing tonight followed by hopefully tasty ribs. Trivia? Open mic? Research jobs and update my resume?  Practice my spanish... day dream about the future.