Reclaim the light

 

I woke up late today. Felt unprepared for my first session. Found myself doing the thing that I was complaining about in the last post (the therapist/speakers sharing their own stuff). 

Felt weird about it, but reminded myself I am not responsible for others, that things are not up to me, and that sometimes I am just a cog in the universal machine.

Later it occurred to me that this is what it feels like when I am looking for the adult. I am waiting for someone to be the guide... because I feel young. I want someone to help me through the experience, or tell me what to do. I want to trust in the adults around me, but instead of just seeing them as they are, I have this expectation that they be better... that I be better. And that if they can't be, then I cannot trust them and need to pull away. 

Last session was difficult. People wrestling with their core wounds, lashing out, defensive, reactive, desiring nothing more than to be told they are ok, loveable, good, capable, but instead wounding one another and reinforcing the wounds in themselves. 

-I am overly reminded of all my relationships.  My mom says she would stop them, ask them how they get back to their vulnerable self, to make it safe again in the room. It's hard for me to say, actually mom I think they are being honest in the room because they are being so dishonest outside of it.

Last night, I had this weird anxiety dream. It was something like my office, or home, and there were people around and everyone was talking about a mistake I had made. It might have been a tragic mistake even. The people -who were all my friends and family, were talking about it, kind of, not talking to me, not talking about me necessarily. To some extent, I felt like a ghost in their presence. In some ways it actually felt like that -that I was attending the gathering in my space after the tragedy. So I wasn't part of the conversation or defending myself to them, though I may have been internally. Instead, I just noticed that every surface of the space was covered in this deep dust... inches thick, like the volcano had gone off... like there were years of neglect that had led to this. It wasn't described by others, it was like everyone could see it, but no one would name it. Like "duh." But no one was talking about what could have caused me to neglect this space that I should have been able to keep up, no one was acknowledging their role in it either. 

When I woke up, I just had these images of the dust, almost like decaying skin, decaying flesh. The inevitable accumulation of time and neglect. There was a tragedy unnamed. It didn't have to be this way. Not that decay isn't inevitable, but that this was supposed to be a life giving space, and it was let go of... where was the attention and energy turned to?  Where was the support that would have imposed a different way? Why didn't anyone know?

My mom shared a video with me, an interview with Parker Palmer. They are talking about depression, regret, social cruelty. He shares his poem (Harrowing) in which the narrator talks about pulling up the weeds "Looking for the roots of what went wrong" and plowing the fields every year "to unearth last year's reasons..."  and realizing that this process is actually scarring, painful, not helpful... acceptance of what is, and letting things grow is ultimately the healing/growth etc. "The farmer plows to plant a greening season."  (as opposed to what he'd been doing which is just scarring the land).

Do I just focus on what is wrong all the time, rather than plowing to plant a greening season? 

Or am I trying to keep things from going to dust, so I stir them up because no one else will?

Sunday night and the feelings meh

 

I spent most of the weekend in a training. The training is about supporting people in resourcing their self when experiencing dissociation, and it is hilarious to me how much of the time in the training I feel like dissociating. Part of that is because I am bored. Part of that is because there are things going on in my mind, and when I am not in a clear role and don't have a lot to do, I internalize. So I might spend an hour waking up and being irritable, and then an hour or two being a good engaged student, and then another hour being restless and struggling with whatever is happening internally. Or trying not to be reactive to whatever is happening externally. 

15 hours is a long time to be in a situation in which stuff is taught like its brand new (because it is for some). For me, so much of this training and the way I already work with people is already present, that it just feels like someone reinforcing you... hour after hour. And there is this desire not to bring up questions that might get the trainers off track telling stories, and this desire to not ask a question that is too leading or too early (oh we'll get to that in week three). So I just kind of sit there getting restless.

The part that is the most helpful is the small groups. But I have two fairly likeminded people in my small group and everyone brings good stuff. They are both queer trans identifying and 10-15 years younger than me, so its a weird thing where I am going through my trauma/ocd stuff but also the oldest... and I am very knowledgeable, but they are super knowledgeable about their roles and training... so it ends up being an excellent 30 minutes or whatever, but then we are back to 4-5 more hours. 

I felt like the trainers were struggling more this weekend with their own desire to be seen and hear. One of them's voice kept quivering on and off and she seemed like she was going through some stuff. The other kept barging in and giving long examples. At one point they both were telling stories of people they have worked with who have had serious trauma, and it felt a little like they were doing the thing that they were teaching against, falling into the trauma/problem oriented stuff because they were still wrestling with the suffering of others. Not to blame them, but it just felt like -oooh that's why you are teaching this...  And I suppose I've done the same a million times... but it felt weird that they were carving out time for their own stuff rather than making more room for the students to process their own stuff... I guess. The whole weekend seemed to be that they were telling people there isn't a right way, we have some guiding principles... and then not necessarily being able to follow their own principles at times. 

When I first started taking the training a month ago, I was considering whether I could get trained up to teach it. I know the information... seems easy enough to just jump in and present it from a different paradigm. To some extent that idea was holding me through the boredom. But I think this weekend reinforced that these people won't be my saviors or mentors either. They are just people. They don't have a magical way forward. 

Today introduced two things that I've thought about before, but were explicitly important for me today.

1) Just the general idea of -if you were free and not living out of your programming right now, how would you think/respond/act etc. 

2) When facing things, try to consider a third option so you don't automatically go into dual thinking, good bad, right wrong. 

Since Friday's little episode, I've been struggling to figure out what I am supposed to do with these ways my mind still works. I laughed out loud this morning when I checked the stove before leaving even though it isn't a gas stove and also that has never been a compulsion of mine (except in the moment). It just seemed hilarious that I was doing one of the stereotypical OCD things without even meaning to. But today in the training I was trying to sus out and argue in my head whether I should label something trauma or OCD, and one of my small group members who is currently getting trained in the ERP (exposure and response prevention) the gold standard for OCD treatment was able to name a bunch of things that I was just like -yeah that see that is what I am dealing with!  but my therapist had said something last week that made it seem like she just saw it a trauma response.  But I am like... uh its both?

The thing about the episode on friday is that I am actually dealing with something that I don't talk about with people -that I did really do. I did something bad, and its been weighing on me for decades, and it reinforces this belief that I had already been experiencing and that was driving me nuts, and I am just trying to figure out if I can go on living without naming and taking responsibility for these behaviors or if I need to work through them and take responsibility -even if there are consequences in order to be free of the larger set of circumstances... does that make sense?  

Its kind of like:

I thought A already proved B(bad), but I was mistaken. Then I did C which does indicate B, so B felt even more confirmed. Then I found out A wasn't real, but I'd already done C. So can I let go of B? 

Prior to C, I had already committed myself to D which would indicate notB. But when I realized C and B I doubled down... it was like DD but that ended up hurting me. And now I am trying to tell myself you don't need to be DD and A doesn't equal B, but C is still impacting -so you maybe have to take responsibility for C and deal with the consequences if that means B.

The problem is that A still comes up and tells me B... like Friday. So it kind of feels like I am just adding consequences to the misery fire.  

So like... what would it mean to feel free? 

I am tempted to do a big brainstorm on paper, or write a letter, or something. 

I keep playing out conversations in my head with my therapist, wondering if I can trust her in being capable of holding compassion, and non judgement towards me -knowing well enough that I will be judging myself through the whole thing.  I think about how I approach clients who have shared difficult times of compulsive behavior or moral injury -actions they have taken that they feel awful about and that go against their morals. I trust them. I believe they are sorry. I don't need to question them...

Part of what A did so long ago, is that it convinced me there is no space for that in my life and that I needed to hide who I was in order to not be perceived as B. This is the part my therapist would say was based in trauma, even if the reinforcement mechanism was OCD.  She'd say you learned to present yourself one way so that you could stay in relationship, because you were afraid you wouldn't get your needs met otherwise. 

The thing that is hard about that is that A become a series of things that she doesn't necessarily believe in -meaning like religious beliefs and compulsions... so when I say these things, her programming is already judgy towards it. Not me, but it. So I have to hold space for my truth -which is that it was important to me, even if it wasn't helpful all the time...  because it still is. 

Anyway... my therapist holds a lot of compassion for me... but I don't fully trust her. So I keep having convos with her in my head trying to prove, trying to test, trying to figure out how I can tell her -to not be judged. Because if I am judged... I am not sure I know how to recover.

So I saw both parents this weekend. 

I walked the lake with my dad and we mostly talked about non personal things. 

My brother apparently had to go to urgent care or the ER thinking he was poisoned or something, but is on antibiotics and expected to get better. My Dad says he has a skin condition that can sometimes indicate liver disease or cancer, but doesn't really want to do a colonoscopy.  -part of me wonders if he is more sick because we have been fighting (when I went to Europe the first time he lost like 30 lbs). 

I went to a crappy solidarity protest no kings thing yesterday. I've been annoyed that there isn't more active resistance going on. But I think people are basically feeling like MN is on the same page and going to vote in all the Dems and then everything will go back to normal... which is stupid. 

I did a lot of distracting/avoiding. I didn't clean the carpet. Didn't clean the windows or the mirrors. Didn't read. Barely journaled. Didn't do anything creative. Took a nap from 4:30-8 today. 

I am mostly prepared for the week -which doesn't look too hard. I have this dental surgery thing on Thursday that I am not looking forward to. 

A number of things this coming weekend, hoping to get some books in the mail for the book club next Sunday. 

Time goes by and things mostly stay the same.

I keep wondering how stuff could change if I don't invest or try new things, while also feeling (lately) very avoidant of investing or trying new things. 

Magical thinking, waiting for someone to pluck me. 

Bad brain

 So I tell my friend I want to go to Costco because I need to buy rice and pasta. She says she wants to go sometime. I ask if she wants to go today to the SLP one, she says she doesn’t like the SLP one ( no one does) and asks if I want to go to the business center and the business center does have some of the things I want but I went there last time so I actually need the stuff at the SLP one. So I say sorry I’m going to that one. But then when I am there I don’t buy rice and pasta (which was not even the things they only had at SLP, I bought frozen food!) but then because I didn’t buy rice and pasta my brain told me I was a liar and a bad person. And then I started playing out convos in my head about wanting to confess this, but then I felt like that would be manipulative so I’d be a bad person, and I went through like three loops of this for 15 minutes and then some mom threatened to slap her kid in front of me, and I didn’t say anything, because this mom was going through Costco with 5 kids and was clearly frustrated with them. But I was crying about it all of a sudden. And I didn’t want to make it worse. But then I thought I’m a social worker and a mandated reporter so I am supposed to respond to these things better than I did, so that makes me a bad person, so now I’m crying even more in Costco going though the aisles for 20 minutes cuz I can’t stop my mind from telling me stupid shit, and I can’t even focus on what I am supposed to get. And then I’m stuck in traffic and I can’t turn it off and I can’t focus and I’m crying in my car. And I get home. And I confesss on Instagram but then a friend says “I’m sorry that’s happening” or something , and I feel stupid and manipulative and then it starts again while I’m trying to fold laundry and I just want to hide under a blanket and die. 

And I know it didn’t start there today. It started earlier. But this is what my brain did for so many years and I’m just really sad that it’s happening again. Cuz I thought I was better. And now I feel stupid. And like a failure or something cuz I can’t stop except when I distract myself or dissociate or working, and it makes sense why I’m spending soooo many hours on my phone lately… but I don’t want to think. I don’t want to think like this. It’s so stupid and it just loops and loops and loops and it’s been hours already. And I’m worried I won’t be able to sleep. And it’s stupid. 

What I woke up thinking

 I want to run away again. I don’t want to keep toiling through a life that isn’t even that great. Why stay? Why play out this role?  Who does it help for me to be this way? What if I were just free?  I want to be like the way I thought I could be when I went to Europe the first time. Just a chill guy going from place to place… that is not at all what happened of course. I got even more anxious and rigid about things. Lost weight, had panic attacks, felt insane talking to myself all day every day. Scribble scribble scribble. My friend showed me the postcards I gave her at that time, we remarked at my tiny handwriting, I saw the familiar signs of feeling I had been too much and that I was appreciative -re: unworthy of her friendship.  I haven’t felt this crazy in so many years but even though it was interesting to see it also reminded me of how it actually felt. 

But I want to run away again. I don’t want live with this constant worry that I am doing something wrong all the time. I don’t want to feel like I’m not enough. I want to join a cult, I don’t want all these responsibilities to myself and strangers. 

And then again, would I ever go work for a clinic again? No. Would I want to work for a school or university where they didn’t allow us to push back or address the changes that actually needed to happen? No. Would I want to become an organizer and feel righteous but exhausted… no. Would I want to join an organized religion in which I had to maintain the status quo, while preaching for change? No.   So what am I really saying? I want a vacation? 

I should plan my trip to Mexico for next year?

At the same time, I feel like I’m not really being truthful in my life. We are in this wild period of transformation and no one is talking about it, or dreaming the new thing into being… no one around me anyway. I’ve walked away from the things that connected me. I hear people’s secrets now… and keep them secret. 

Everything feels unnatural. What are we even doing?

There is this therapist online I’ve been following who is saying it, a little bit like every man, as if he is the one who figured it out, but he is also being truthful… about what needs to change.  

I’ve lost hope. I’ve lost goals. 

This morning I was thinking how nice it was those weekends where I was checking out 5-6 open houses, as if there was something to look forward to. I was excited, I was daydreaming I was exploring and going places. I had a goal even if it wasn’t truly my goal- glad people eventually called me out on that. 

I haven’t really had a goal except to keep up. Keep up with work. Keep up with bills and maintaining an apartment. Where is my life headed?  

Inner child work and trauma work… work work… bullshit. I go to protests not because I feel they work, but because I want to at least acknowledge that something needs to shift.  But me???? Am I able to shift my life my direction my goals?  For awhile I was exercising and playing guitar, for a while writing… now I’m just scrolling all the time.  

Im waiting for something to inspire me into the next thing. But maybe I just need to say duck it, I’m going to India or Cambodia or something. 

I dunno how I feel

 On the one hand, I’m trying to stay focused. I’ve got shit to do this week. I’m an adult, I needed to make dinner and do the dishes and take out the garbage.

On the other hand, I tried to explain to my dad that there has been this inner world I’ve been having that he wasn’t aware of -that I didn’t feel safe sharing with him because he wasnt attuned to it. Because I didn’t trust him because of things he had done and things that had happened. And while I was sharing these things I experienced all the feelings and thoughts that I have hidden from him and chose not to contain it. 

I told him I wanted to throw up. I told him I was dissociating. I told him I was afraid of people. I told him I needed space because I couldn’t settle. I told him the thoughts went from “I made a mistake” to “I’m a horrible person, unforgivable, unable to have a relationship, ruined all my chances” and that that occurs in seconds and if I don’t do anything it can last for days. I told him it used to result in a belief that I was going to hell.  

I told him I have ocd, and maybe some trauma too. 

I told him I didn’t know if I was sexually abused, I still don’t know, I just know that I feel unsafe sometimes. He confirmed that I had been physically abused and that I was bullied. 

I told him he triggered these experiences I have that are distressing and make me feel like I’m a kid again -and that in the last year I’ve felt more and more crazy every time it happens because I thought I was doing better, had forgiven myself and him, and now I feel like a kid and I’m scared and don’t know what to do. 

I told him that I’ve seen and experienced things that he hasn’t and that it makes it hard because I don’t know what he is aware of… and so it’s hard to understand why he isn’t getting it. (Eg torture cells and concentration camps and what ethnic cleansing looks like as it develops). As well as the conditions people are fleeing when they come the US for asylum. 

And when it was over - And I went home feeling like I had been way too vulnerable… because I didn’t want to fall into replaying the convo 5 millions times I distracted myself and did some work. And cried a bunch anyway. And I don’t want to go into the spirals because that makes it worse. But I also don’t want to dwell on my own vulnerability, or my hurt or my anger… but he confirmed things that felt very congruent with how I’d been feeling… confirmed that he sees these things as differences of opinion even though I experienced them as harmful. Confirmed that he didn’t “know” about how immigrants were being treated even though I told him. And that he only recently considered it cuz he watch a program a week ago from Chris cuomo who said it. Confirmed that he never really figured out why thousands of masked armed militia were sent to terrorize us. Even though I asked him months ago to figure it out when I left shaking in fight or flight from his home. He didn’t look it up, and hadn’t really considered it. 

And now I’m worried I’ll be spiraling again because it’s bed time and that’s when it gets the loudest. 

glug

 

It is Saturday, October 10, 2026. I am at the Loon Coffee shop over on lake. Its about 12:40ish. Went for a walk, and it zapped the life from me. I spent the first part of the walk thinking about the cycles of life, of culture, of nature, of transformation. I spent the next part thinking about how best to serve a client, and what advocacy means.

I spent the last 20 minutes on social media. Not sure what I am thinking or how I want to approach things. The woman in front of me looks nothing like A, but her haircut reminds me exactly of the time she cut it real short, the slight flair out.

My little brother texted our brothers chat that a stock he bought 5 years ago was taking off due to a medical trial being successful. The drug is a version of LSD meant to be used in a therapeutic context for GAD, MDD and PTSD. It looks very promising.

I am not sure how to spend my day. I had hoped to write the great novel or revise some poetry. I have work to do too, a letter and a DA. I have some reading to do. Maybe see a movie?  Its like 80 degrees out in October.

I had energy work yesterday. I need to practice, and do some breathing. I’ve got Spanish. I’ve got to get groceries and do 5-6 dishes. I saw a friend yesterday for an hour. It was nice to see her space even though she lives so far away.

The fear part of me is saying I am not enough, not doing enough, might let something slip or take the wrong step and ruin everything. It says I have cancer and its spreading. It says there is mold in my bathroom and I can’t clean it because its too powerful, and that means it is in me too.

Yesterday’s energy work and this morning’s tarot reminded me that by expanding and living into my values and beliefs about the universe, I am more protected and more alive. Whereas when I shrink or defend, I am more acutely aware of the loss, the fear, the lack, the imposition -reinforcing the wound. I am trying to be open to things, to the positives the universe has to offer. Yesterday everything felt aligned. Today I feel jittery and off again, and its probably the coffee or the lack of structure, or the dozens of people I’ve been thinking about today. Some uncertainty, causes me to lose myself, rather than notice and let go. My shoulders are raised.

Dad says lets talk, maybe tomorrow evening? There is a vigil tonight, a protest in the parking lot at target to tell them to stop supporting ICE. The secretary of defense wants to broadcast an execution. Healthy people are standing up against it. People are voting in record numbers. There will be a backlash a correction, but so much suffering in the meantime. And what do I want to do?

On Tuesday supposed to crash the student teacher conference to visit an old coworker friend. Just an excuse to see her new work site during a public time.

Kind of feel like I am not gonna accomplish anything here. Maybe its time to read, or go get lunch.

****

Went to get groceries after writing that, realized I was feeling somewhat sick -felt like I had overexerted myself in the heat and was gonna pass out or something. After making lunch I got into bed and laid there for a few hours -slowly getting a headache. Eventually took a nap and woke up at 8pm. Felt anxious like I had wasted the day, like I was behind, like I was a failure. Made dinner and did the dishes. Its close to 10 pm now. I keep getting weird spikes of headpain, but I am feeling better after eating. 

I made a little list of things I wanted to accomplish this weekend and decided it seemed mostly reasonable to do tomorrow. I think this letter for my client is making me nervous. I guess I don't trust that he won't misuse it or something, and I am worried I will get dragged into drama. I need to be clear about my boundaries and my mission. 

Tomorrow massage at 11 am, hopefully I'll feel better by then. Some Spanish. Some reading. Maybe a walk or a talk with my dad. That one is also bringing up some nervousness I suppose.

Its not all that much really. Its just that I only have myself to rely on and I don't get a lot of reassurance for all the thoughts in my head. I think I need to do some meditating and maybe some more reading tonight. It's funny how easily swayed I am. 

The energy healer lady said "your ancestral line is kind of wavy, faint in some spots" I agree. I feel it, I am not rooted.

I keep watching stuff about OCD and ASD too, and I shake my head at how much I relate to certain things. I don't think I have autism, but I relate to a lot of it. Sensory issues, anxiety about being misunderstood etc. I've always said, its not that I don't get social cues, I get them too strongly. I am too aware of each little gesture, tone shift, etc. I guess its a thing for sensitive kiddos.  I was listening to a lot of the folks talk about PANDAS and POTS and EDS and all the overlapping conditions folks experience these days. I think I have an OCD neurotype, I think I am an empath/sensitive person, I think I have some childhood trauma stuff that I am still sorting out -more along the lines of unintentional emotional neglect, not abuse. 

But it is all in the past... what do I choose to experience now? What am I building? 

I dunno.  My old coworker is determined to start a craft school thing and rewild a golf course. I don't have any ambitions or goals anymore. Maybe its hard to move forward because my stuff feels so mundane... rebuild a social network, make new friends, maintain some level of balance between fun and work.  

That's the other thing that bums me out about this weekend. I wanted to do something creative, wanted to write my novel, wanted to edit and write poetry... none of that happened. My mind was distracted, headachy, I couldn't sit still and when I could I just wanted to moan and groan and fall asleep. 

I know a week or two ago I was lamenting the same... wanted to do a deep dive on my goals and dreams, wanted to create something beautiful... I am addicted to my phone. I balk when people text me. I want to go away for a year, but I am paying my bills and taxes to a government I detest. 

Gonna go do some reading and fall back to sleep. It wasn't a bad day, it just wasn't what I'd hoped it would be. I've maintained. 

open mic

Tonight someone at the open mic read a poem about bulimia and trying to get better, and relapsing, and having to start over again. It was a really good poem, and also really tough content. I started crying. At the break, I wrote her a note saying thank you for being brave. I didn't say why. I didn't say why I was crying. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say, and if she asked, I didn't know if I'd be able to say anything without crying again. 

Because a writer friend of mine, lost her words and energy to the disorder... because when she was ready to start over, she had run out of time. Cuz some folks don't get better. 

I practiced words, then realized I didn't know what I wanted to say... thought about writing another poem, started crying again. Wondered why I was alive to share this story that is not mine when my friend is not. It isn't fair. I don't know what to say... I am too exhausted to write. Just felt like I needed to record this moment. 

It was mostly a good day. 5 clients, lots of youth. 

Tomorrow 3 clients and energy work, maybe stop at the bank on the way. 

I dunno...  Yesterday was tough cuz i had therapy at 8 am... then a full day. It was a good day... just long.

Saturday maybe talk to my Dad.

Sunday a massage and maybe buy some books for the Morris folks book club. 

Weird dream

 I just woke up to a kind of disturbing dream. 

Someone I love had announced that they were pregnant, but kind of slipped it in under their breath, so when I asked again they seemed to be doing that cute thing where you don’t fully share but add more, only each time I asked for clarification I heard more about their relationship and it felt disturbing rather than optimistic, like they had been manipulated into a relationship, rather than choosing it. And now they were pregnant, and the cute under the breath thing had become more like a “I’m having mixed feelings and don’t know what to do because I want this and I don’t want this…” or “I am embarrassed and don’t know how to ask for help but I’ve gotten in too deep.” Kind of thing. And that’s when I woke up, not able to confirm, not able to know, not able to reassure or help... and kind of mad at this person for being in this situation that I can’t do anything about.  I remember feeling this way in a few past situations… they made their choice, presumably it was the right one for them. But I was left feeling mixed emotions and helpless. 

Last night all these Hindu quotes and things were on my algorithm, one was about swadharma the idea of following your individual path, not being responsible for being good or right, but for following your path. 

Another was about nimitta matram about being an instrument in the larger orchestra of the universe but not being responsible for the song, only your part - as if to say you aren’t the conductor, maybe you don’t even like your role, but play it and trust that the universe is doing what it should.  

I gotta get up and go to work… why does something that should be positive feel so ominous?