From this morning Spyhouse on Hennepin, 10/31/26

1) I am journaling because I’d like to settle down and get to writing creatively at some point.

Just went for an 8 am walk with my Dad because he has 8 lawns to mow and is worried about money. 8 am, but he showed up at 8:15. We walked around the lake. He asked me about my mental health, I said it was fine, but hard to trust or predict or make assumptions about the future. He asked, hard to trust me, or things in general or the world? I said yes.

He said he was worrying about how to move forward with the holidays coming up, said maybe he’d been spending too much time on the lawns or the grandkids, or worrying about money and hadn’t spent enough investing in figuring things out (or at least implied this before trailing off…) I said I was thinking about it too.

I asked him where my step mom was at. He said, basically that she though he should push back a little on the bullet points, and that she felt I was the one who started it… and that we should be able to have differences of opinion. There was another point, but I forgot. I said, I wasn’t defensive before starting this, but I am now because that was exactly where she was, and where I pushed back earlier this year. (So nothing has changed with her. And they are expecting me to do all the work. She gets to play victim, rather than take responsibility -didn’t say this out loud because I’ve already said it multiple times.)

He said basically that he wasn’t good at conveying her points for her and that I should. I said, I’m always the one who has to cross that bridge. He said only a few times. I said dozens, you just didn’t know or remember. I asked him why he consoles her and then comes to me and asks me to apologize, he said I can only think of that happening twice. I said, it happens all the time. And asked him why he doesn’t tell her to fight her own battles. And pointed out that when I asked her to write a letter to clarify her positions 6 months ago he told me I should be the one to do it. (Which again, I have been).

He said that she has a different opinion, perspective and that should be ok. I said her opinion hurts me, so its ok for me to not have a relationship with someone who hurts me.

If she can’t have empathy for my life or the things that impact me then we don’t have a relationship. Which is fine.

He said, its just politics or something. I said its not just politics, politics impacts my life and people I care about. The politics they are rooting for is destroying our country. I asked him what institutions or systems he actually believes in, and he couldn’t give me any. Said he was cynical of all of it. And I said yup and that means you look out for yourself because you can’t depend on anyone, so we don’t have a society anymore. He said something about -you think the democrats are gonna save things. I said theyre a last chance to make a correction because there is no conservative party, the democrats are basically conservatives, (not these words), and that they are fighting for basics, but yall treat them like they are extremists. Gave examples of school lunches, medical care, green energy, corruptions, prisons, jobs etc. Meanwhile the republicans are just being racist, grifting and comparing butts. Trump is threatening to Nuke Iran and no one in his party stops him, so it isn’t just politics its our lives. And basically we ended with out him saying anything but recognizing there was a gap (presumably) and probably him thinking about the lawns he needs to mow because his wife spends their money on shit he doesn’t care about and his daughter uses them for daycare because she can’t pay her own bills.

Overly simplified, their way of seeing the world warps my reality, and I can’t be around it. Overly simplified, my dad chooses her, and asks me to be the adult in the relationship while claiming its all about personal responsibility. My dad is working long days -probably because he wants to -while complaining about not having enough money because his wife and daughter spend all of it, but rather than asking them to take responsibility he puts his head down, or blames other people for his problems. No consistency. No accountability. No reality. All warped…



2) Went to Barebones Halloween show with a friend last night at Powderhorn. It was different than when it was at the river and I was struggling a bit with the changes. It seemed more open, more family friendly and a little less about a celebration of death and renewal. They had a vaguely political part where all the butterflies try to fight the centipede that stands for destruction. I think it makes sense that they needed to honor the experience of the moment, while also reminding people of larger cycles… I guess I was just aware of the differences. My friend, having never gone, was not so aware. I think she was glad to be a spectator, but it wasn’t personal or moving to her. I remember going with a different friend years ago and it feeling really deep and emotional, whereas this felt more like a show. I was trying to just let the experience be what it was… but there was a level of recognition that you have to go to things with the people who will get it, and maybe I don’t have that many people who get the things I am interested in (like creatively/spiritually). Not that the time was bad, I really enjoyed our discussion of all the worlds ills etc.. just noticing slight differences. Its kind of like that in life right? Never know who should be invited to what, what their experience will be, how do you not allow their experience to influence yours? Its not that I want everyone to have my experience, but with the things that feel sacred, I want to experience my awe, joy and delight.



3) I keep alternating between angry and sad with my dad and step mom. Desire to disconnect, desire to be seen. I think about how my dad was the go between, and how that probably has always made it worse. How when we had visits he would drive us to burger king and then drop us off. Where was the step mom investing in us -trying to build or repair a relationship that had been damaged by her actions? She was already in her own trauma space before we got upset or angry enough to say or do anything. She was already expecting him to step in and mediate, or expecting us to hide parts of ourselves to suit her. He said ‘she wonders why you always bring these things up when it upsets you (and her)? Why bring up life and society when someone could get upset? Shove it inside, pretend like its fine, hide, don’t be genuine about the things you care about - its upsetting to me (her voice). Yeah, then we don’t have a relationship.

It isn’t that she can’t be sweet, warm, welcoming. Its that she can only do that if it doesn’t impact her sense of security… so its not genuine, it’s a part she is playing, and expecting others to play.



4) I have been mostly feeling pretty good lately. Even now, I am not feeling off… just angry and hurt. But I am not going into my little kid self.

5) Yesterday in the energy work… I was so self conscious of about three things… A) being on my back and falling asleep and snoring, B) sleep apnea… I am pretty sure I stop breathing regularly. I think she interprets it as a place I got stuck energetically and that might also be true. Every time I found myself drifting, entering dream land or just not present to the moment I found I’d stop breathing naturally. C) There was some level of just physically being held… like a little kid… like I would hold a kid, lovingly, gentle, no bad intentions… and it made me miss being held. When was the last time I was held? And at one point when I complained that I was feeling so relaxed I might fall asleep and she said go ahead… I was suddenly flooded with all these memories of times when I have held someone as they fell asleep, comforted someone when they woke up to a violent memory/dream… how much love I felt for them, how much concern… how I just wanted to take away all that pain from their bodies and let them trust that I cared, would protect them. I think only one of my exes didn’t wake up to nightmares kicking… and it made me miss loving… and also made me wonder why I’ve never been told by someone else its ok, I’ll protect you when you sleep, when you have nightmares, when you’re afraid with all those thoughts you can’t stop… I’ll just hold you. She pressed on a bunch of places just above my heart, and each one ached… even though she wasn’t pressing very hard. They were just stuck spots of so much pain and love, and holding… and I started crying again thinking about how resistant to being loved I have felt… and I missed E. But I also wondered at what point it switched from feeling like she was loving towards me to she thought I was the enemy… and the same with all of them… that at some point I wasn’t the one they loved even if they said they did. And I had to protect myself instead of holding them… because if I held them they’d kick harder.

I walked out of feeling lighter, more open to love, but also just really sad about lost love.

Its been about an hour. I should probably read or do some creative writing.

6) A bit later… I keep thinking about… well if my Dad doesn’t trust or believe or hope in a future that is better. If he can only trust in himself and his family… then why would we trust his leadership? … further, if he says he trusts in us, invests in us, but then spends all his time working landscaping jobs to keep himself busy and have enough cash on the side… (which we have talked about for years means he isn’t investing in us)… is this just another example of him being stuck? He hasn’t graduated into wisdom… hasn’t stepped up into taking on a different role, still clinging to a form of productivity and providing… rather than supporting in other ways. Maybe this is also the legacy of hearing loss. “what good am I? ---I’ll show it with my work.”




I basically spent the day in bed. I stopped at chipotle and the bank, and the grocery store. Did my spanish. Stayed in bed, napped, woke up around 6:30. Now for some reason I am making ribs which takes 3 hours... so I'll try to be creative. I talked to my mom for awhile sitting in my car at the grocery store. When I got in the door I just felt kind of defeated, like whats the point.

I was considering going to Rocky Horror tonight... but dont really want to be around people.

Longing for Aeyla (From Martin Prechtel)

(He basically tells the story of falling in love for the first time (13 -crush) on a girl he saw in the distance, and in the absence of knowing anything about her, fantasized a perfect being, a divine counterpart. Not a human. Not an actual partner to love. But a stand in for the divine, the perfection we all crave and are driven by. He makes the argument that this kind of longing should be encouraged and shifted toward an understanding of the divine, by wise elders who intervene (not to discourage) but keep them separate, help them imagine and grow in their longing for a deeper divine, and express it in creativity and spirituality and renewal of the community and the relationship to the divine (and also not let them actually become partners unless they are initiated past this stage of their development).

He acknowledges that in modern culture we rob kids of both of these things, distract them with pop culture and consumerism, so that instead of glowing and expressing their love/grief longing for the divine, they are sucked into shallowness. And that a different form of squashing might also just be to dismiss the puppylove, the romantic in haste, appeal to logic or certainty… or a third way to destroy the spirit would be to let the lovers burn out, and be appalled when they realize neither is divine, and neither is really fully human yet either… (adolescents).

But that the longing for the divine should be nourished and encouraged… oh. Simplicity was never caught, sometimes I hope she’ll never be.

I worry I’ve forgotten how to seek the spark of the divine in my actual life, that instead I cultivate it when I am working… or staring at strangers but not seeking in new people or relationships. Maybe that’s what I keep ‘waiting for’ some spark of the divine… maybe that’s the wrong way to seek love. Maybe love is a business transaction.

Who is Aeyla?  (which is apparently pronounced like eye-la) whereas I’d find it more divine to say A-la.

nostalgia

 

It's funny how the waves come and go. You know. They say it has to do with the moon. Yet question how the planetary alignment at the time of one's birth could exude any kind of influence on the you, you'd become. You've become you. Funny, and true?

Its a Thursday night. I've seen 20 clients this week, I suppose a couple were couples... so more like 22 so far. Had a new client today. Have three old clients tomorrow. 

I didn't go to trivia on Tuesday because I was tired. 

I didn't go to open mic tonight because I wasn't motivated. 

I started a book I'd been looking forward to last weekend, and haven't gotten through the second chapter. 

I was hoping to have a crush on someone new... I think they might be a lesbian. 

I've been chatting with an ex who is pregnant, and wondering if another ex is pregnant. 

Someone came up on my instagram feed as suggested, and I thought they'd blocked me... but maybe I looked them up too many times and it is just giving me a taste I wasn't sure I really wanted. The idea of someone not hating me is so lifegiving. 

I want to be the companion to someone else's drama, instead of my own. I want to have something to live for. 

I feel so grateful and appreciative of all the wondrous people and places and things I've done...so many pleasant, warming memories. But I spend my nights glued to a phone, and don't always return people's texts. 

Tomorrow I see the energy worker again, followed by dinner and a puppet show in a park. 

Saturday? Maybe Rocky Horror if I feel up for it. Sunday, maybe a walk with my Dad.

I have to figure out Thanksgiving. I have to figure out if I have a place in my family, or even want one. 

I want to run away... Its not that I don't love my life, I just could imagine a better one... and I am not sure how to bridge the divide between my wants and my realities. 

The tarot cards keep spitting out that its near. How many years...

Slow weekend

 I felt like I had a lot going on this weekend, but ultimately it ended up feeling slow and kind of forgettable. 

On Friday I had a thc beverage, kind of knocked me out and then I woke up at like midnight and didn’t get back to bed till 4. Saturday went to a quick visibility demonstration on lake and Chicago, lots of honking, lots of nice people. Grabbed groceries. Went to see a movie. This morning had book club with Morris folks for the first time, wasn’t sure what to share. Felt fun though. Then I had a massage booked but I forgot my wallet. Paid the cancellation fee. Did some reading finished a DA. This week has 25 booked but last week I had at least one cancellation each day. 

Friday gonna go see barebones at powderhorn. Saturday maybe rocky horror at Grandview? Sunday maybe a walk?

I dunno. I keep wondering how anything would change. 

I feel like I either have to make a decision to live differently, or join something routinely, or let the world change around me, or just keep going and be dissatisfied. Would I want to spend the rest of my life this way? Not really. But what am I willing to do about that? I’m not even sure what I want. Maybe run away to India or south east Asia…. But the world is getting more dangerous, climate change alone is making things feel so unpredictable. Riots and protests all over Europe and South America. 

Maybe in a few weeks we will have a new government… but until I join a commune or run away, I’m not sure what to do… 

I feel like I am open… but am I? Today I ended up having like 8 hours and chose to sit around my house. Took a nap. Didn’t really want to interact with anyone. 

Maybe it’s cuz I have a busy week ahead. Maybe I’m just full of complaints. 

longing

 Just missing loving someone, having partnership. 

Reclaim the light

 

I woke up late today. Felt unprepared for my first session. Found myself doing the thing that I was complaining about in the last post (the therapist/speakers sharing their own stuff). 

Felt weird about it, but reminded myself I am not responsible for others, that things are not up to me, and that sometimes I am just a cog in the universal machine.

Later it occurred to me that this is what it feels like when I am looking for the adult. I am waiting for someone to be the guide... because I feel young. I want someone to help me through the experience, or tell me what to do. I want to trust in the adults around me, but instead of just seeing them as they are, I have this expectation that they be better... that I be better. And that if they can't be, then I cannot trust them and need to pull away. 

Last session was difficult. People wrestling with their core wounds, lashing out, defensive, reactive, desiring nothing more than to be told they are ok, loveable, good, capable, but instead wounding one another and reinforcing the wounds in themselves. 

-I am overly reminded of all my relationships.  My mom says she would stop them, ask them how they get back to their vulnerable self, to make it safe again in the room. It's hard for me to say, actually mom I think they are being honest in the room because they are being so dishonest outside of it.

Last night, I had this weird anxiety dream. It was something like my office, or home, and there were people around and everyone was talking about a mistake I had made. It might have been a tragic mistake even. The people -who were all my friends and family, were talking about it, kind of, not talking to me, not talking about me necessarily. To some extent, I felt like a ghost in their presence. In some ways it actually felt like that -that I was attending the gathering in my space after the tragedy. So I wasn't part of the conversation or defending myself to them, though I may have been internally. Instead, I just noticed that every surface of the space was covered in this deep dust... inches thick, like the volcano had gone off... like there were years of neglect that had led to this. It wasn't described by others, it was like everyone could see it, but no one would name it. Like "duh." But no one was talking about what could have caused me to neglect this space that I should have been able to keep up, no one was acknowledging their role in it either. 

When I woke up, I just had these images of the dust, almost like decaying skin, decaying flesh. The inevitable accumulation of time and neglect. There was a tragedy unnamed. It didn't have to be this way. Not that decay isn't inevitable, but that this was supposed to be a life giving space, and it was let go of... where was the attention and energy turned to?  Where was the support that would have imposed a different way? Why didn't anyone know?

My mom shared a video with me, an interview with Parker Palmer. They are talking about depression, regret, social cruelty. He shares his poem (Harrowing) in which the narrator talks about pulling up the weeds "Looking for the roots of what went wrong" and plowing the fields every year "to unearth last year's reasons..."  and realizing that this process is actually scarring, painful, not helpful... acceptance of what is, and letting things grow is ultimately the healing/growth etc. "The farmer plows to plant a greening season."  (as opposed to what he'd been doing which is just scarring the land).

Do I just focus on what is wrong all the time, rather than plowing to plant a greening season? 

Or am I trying to keep things from going to dust, so I stir them up because no one else will?

Sunday night and the feelings meh

 

I spent most of the weekend in a training. The training is about supporting people in resourcing their self when experiencing dissociation, and it is hilarious to me how much of the time in the training I feel like dissociating. Part of that is because I am bored. Part of that is because there are things going on in my mind, and when I am not in a clear role and don't have a lot to do, I internalize. So I might spend an hour waking up and being irritable, and then an hour or two being a good engaged student, and then another hour being restless and struggling with whatever is happening internally. Or trying not to be reactive to whatever is happening externally. 

15 hours is a long time to be in a situation in which stuff is taught like its brand new (because it is for some). For me, so much of this training and the way I already work with people is already present, that it just feels like someone reinforcing you... hour after hour. And there is this desire not to bring up questions that might get the trainers off track telling stories, and this desire to not ask a question that is too leading or too early (oh we'll get to that in week three). So I just kind of sit there getting restless.

The part that is the most helpful is the small groups. But I have two fairly likeminded people in my small group and everyone brings good stuff. They are both queer trans identifying and 10-15 years younger than me, so its a weird thing where I am going through my trauma/ocd stuff but also the oldest... and I am very knowledgeable, but they are super knowledgeable about their roles and training... so it ends up being an excellent 30 minutes or whatever, but then we are back to 4-5 more hours. 

I felt like the trainers were struggling more this weekend with their own desire to be seen and hear. One of them's voice kept quivering on and off and she seemed like she was going through some stuff. The other kept barging in and giving long examples. At one point they both were telling stories of people they have worked with who have had serious trauma, and it felt a little like they were doing the thing that they were teaching against, falling into the trauma/problem oriented stuff because they were still wrestling with the suffering of others. Not to blame them, but it just felt like -oooh that's why you are teaching this...  And I suppose I've done the same a million times... but it felt weird that they were carving out time for their own stuff rather than making more room for the students to process their own stuff... I guess. The whole weekend seemed to be that they were telling people there isn't a right way, we have some guiding principles... and then not necessarily being able to follow their own principles at times. 

When I first started taking the training a month ago, I was considering whether I could get trained up to teach it. I know the information... seems easy enough to just jump in and present it from a different paradigm. To some extent that idea was holding me through the boredom. But I think this weekend reinforced that these people won't be my saviors or mentors either. They are just people. They don't have a magical way forward. 

Today introduced two things that I've thought about before, but were explicitly important for me today.

1) Just the general idea of -if you were free and not living out of your programming right now, how would you think/respond/act etc. 

2) When facing things, try to consider a third option so you don't automatically go into dual thinking, good bad, right wrong. 

Since Friday's little episode, I've been struggling to figure out what I am supposed to do with these ways my mind still works. I laughed out loud this morning when I checked the stove before leaving even though it isn't a gas stove and also that has never been a compulsion of mine (except in the moment). It just seemed hilarious that I was doing one of the stereotypical OCD things without even meaning to. But today in the training I was trying to sus out and argue in my head whether I should label something trauma or OCD, and one of my small group members who is currently getting trained in the ERP (exposure and response prevention) the gold standard for OCD treatment was able to name a bunch of things that I was just like -yeah that see that is what I am dealing with!  but my therapist had said something last week that made it seem like she just saw it a trauma response.  But I am like... uh its both?

The thing about the episode on friday is that I am actually dealing with something that I don't talk about with people -that I did really do. I did something bad, and its been weighing on me for decades, and it reinforces this belief that I had already been experiencing and that was driving me nuts, and I am just trying to figure out if I can go on living without naming and taking responsibility for these behaviors or if I need to work through them and take responsibility -even if there are consequences in order to be free of the larger set of circumstances... does that make sense?  

Its kind of like:

I thought A already proved B(bad), but I was mistaken. Then I did C which does indicate B, so B felt even more confirmed. Then I found out A wasn't real, but I'd already done C. So can I let go of B? 

Prior to C, I had already committed myself to D which would indicate notB. But when I realized C and B I doubled down... it was like DD but that ended up hurting me. And now I am trying to tell myself you don't need to be DD and A doesn't equal B, but C is still impacting -so you maybe have to take responsibility for C and deal with the consequences if that means B.

The problem is that A still comes up and tells me B... like Friday. So it kind of feels like I am just adding consequences to the misery fire.  

So like... what would it mean to feel free? 

I am tempted to do a big brainstorm on paper, or write a letter, or something. 

I keep playing out conversations in my head with my therapist, wondering if I can trust her in being capable of holding compassion, and non judgement towards me -knowing well enough that I will be judging myself through the whole thing.  I think about how I approach clients who have shared difficult times of compulsive behavior or moral injury -actions they have taken that they feel awful about and that go against their morals. I trust them. I believe they are sorry. I don't need to question them...

Part of what A did so long ago, is that it convinced me there is no space for that in my life and that I needed to hide who I was in order to not be perceived as B. This is the part my therapist would say was based in trauma, even if the reinforcement mechanism was OCD.  She'd say you learned to present yourself one way so that you could stay in relationship, because you were afraid you wouldn't get your needs met otherwise. 

The thing that is hard about that is that A become a series of things that she doesn't necessarily believe in -meaning like religious beliefs and compulsions... so when I say these things, her programming is already judgy towards it. Not me, but it. So I have to hold space for my truth -which is that it was important to me, even if it wasn't helpful all the time...  because it still is. 

Anyway... my therapist holds a lot of compassion for me... but I don't fully trust her. So I keep having convos with her in my head trying to prove, trying to test, trying to figure out how I can tell her -to not be judged. Because if I am judged... I am not sure I know how to recover.

So I saw both parents this weekend. 

I walked the lake with my dad and we mostly talked about non personal things. 

My brother apparently had to go to urgent care or the ER thinking he was poisoned or something, but is on antibiotics and expected to get better. My Dad says he has a skin condition that can sometimes indicate liver disease or cancer, but doesn't really want to do a colonoscopy.  -part of me wonders if he is more sick because we have been fighting (when I went to Europe the first time he lost like 30 lbs). 

I went to a crappy solidarity protest no kings thing yesterday. I've been annoyed that there isn't more active resistance going on. But I think people are basically feeling like MN is on the same page and going to vote in all the Dems and then everything will go back to normal... which is stupid. 

I did a lot of distracting/avoiding. I didn't clean the carpet. Didn't clean the windows or the mirrors. Didn't read. Barely journaled. Didn't do anything creative. Took a nap from 4:30-8 today. 

I am mostly prepared for the week -which doesn't look too hard. I have this dental surgery thing on Thursday that I am not looking forward to. 

A number of things this coming weekend, hoping to get some books in the mail for the book club next Sunday. 

Time goes by and things mostly stay the same.

I keep wondering how stuff could change if I don't invest or try new things, while also feeling (lately) very avoidant of investing or trying new things. 

Magical thinking, waiting for someone to pluck me. 

Bad brain

 So I tell my friend I want to go to Costco because I need to buy rice and pasta. She says she wants to go sometime. I ask if she wants to go today to the SLP one, she says she doesn’t like the SLP one ( no one does) and asks if I want to go to the business center and the business center does have some of the things I want but I went there last time so I actually need the stuff at the SLP one. So I say sorry I’m going to that one. But then when I am there I don’t buy rice and pasta (which was not even the things they only had at SLP, I bought frozen food!) but then because I didn’t buy rice and pasta my brain told me I was a liar and a bad person. And then I started playing out convos in my head about wanting to confess this, but then I felt like that would be manipulative so I’d be a bad person, and I went through like three loops of this for 15 minutes and then some mom threatened to slap her kid in front of me, and I didn’t say anything, because this mom was going through Costco with 5 kids and was clearly frustrated with them. But I was crying about it all of a sudden. And I didn’t want to make it worse. But then I thought I’m a social worker and a mandated reporter so I am supposed to respond to these things better than I did, so that makes me a bad person, so now I’m crying even more in Costco going though the aisles for 20 minutes cuz I can’t stop my mind from telling me stupid shit, and I can’t even focus on what I am supposed to get. And then I’m stuck in traffic and I can’t turn it off and I can’t focus and I’m crying in my car. And I get home. And I confesss on Instagram but then a friend says “I’m sorry that’s happening” or something , and I feel stupid and manipulative and then it starts again while I’m trying to fold laundry and I just want to hide under a blanket and die. 

And I know it didn’t start there today. It started earlier. But this is what my brain did for so many years and I’m just really sad that it’s happening again. Cuz I thought I was better. And now I feel stupid. And like a failure or something cuz I can’t stop except when I distract myself or dissociate or working, and it makes sense why I’m spending soooo many hours on my phone lately… but I don’t want to think. I don’t want to think like this. It’s so stupid and it just loops and loops and loops and it’s been hours already. And I’m worried I won’t be able to sleep. And it’s stupid. 

What I woke up thinking

 I want to run away again. I don’t want to keep toiling through a life that isn’t even that great. Why stay? Why play out this role?  Who does it help for me to be this way? What if I were just free?  I want to be like the way I thought I could be when I went to Europe the first time. Just a chill guy going from place to place… that is not at all what happened of course. I got even more anxious and rigid about things. Lost weight, had panic attacks, felt insane talking to myself all day every day. Scribble scribble scribble. My friend showed me the postcards I gave her at that time, we remarked at my tiny handwriting, I saw the familiar signs of feeling I had been too much and that I was appreciative -re: unworthy of her friendship.  I haven’t felt this crazy in so many years but even though it was interesting to see it also reminded me of how it actually felt. 

But I want to run away again. I don’t want live with this constant worry that I am doing something wrong all the time. I don’t want to feel like I’m not enough. I want to join a cult, I don’t want all these responsibilities to myself and strangers. 

And then again, would I ever go work for a clinic again? No. Would I want to work for a school or university where they didn’t allow us to push back or address the changes that actually needed to happen? No. Would I want to become an organizer and feel righteous but exhausted… no. Would I want to join an organized religion in which I had to maintain the status quo, while preaching for change? No.   So what am I really saying? I want a vacation? 

I should plan my trip to Mexico for next year?

At the same time, I feel like I’m not really being truthful in my life. We are in this wild period of transformation and no one is talking about it, or dreaming the new thing into being… no one around me anyway. I’ve walked away from the things that connected me. I hear people’s secrets now… and keep them secret. 

Everything feels unnatural. What are we even doing?

There is this therapist online I’ve been following who is saying it, a little bit like every man, as if he is the one who figured it out, but he is also being truthful… about what needs to change.  

I’ve lost hope. I’ve lost goals. 

This morning I was thinking how nice it was those weekends where I was checking out 5-6 open houses, as if there was something to look forward to. I was excited, I was daydreaming I was exploring and going places. I had a goal even if it wasn’t truly my goal- glad people eventually called me out on that. 

I haven’t really had a goal except to keep up. Keep up with work. Keep up with bills and maintaining an apartment. Where is my life headed?  

Inner child work and trauma work… work work… bullshit. I go to protests not because I feel they work, but because I want to at least acknowledge that something needs to shift.  But me???? Am I able to shift my life my direction my goals?  For awhile I was exercising and playing guitar, for a while writing… now I’m just scrolling all the time.  

Im waiting for something to inspire me into the next thing. But maybe I just need to say duck it, I’m going to India or Cambodia or something. 

I dunno how I feel

 On the one hand, I’m trying to stay focused. I’ve got shit to do this week. I’m an adult, I needed to make dinner and do the dishes and take out the garbage.

On the other hand, I tried to explain to my dad that there has been this inner world I’ve been having that he wasn’t aware of -that I didn’t feel safe sharing with him because he wasnt attuned to it. Because I didn’t trust him because of things he had done and things that had happened. And while I was sharing these things I experienced all the feelings and thoughts that I have hidden from him and chose not to contain it. 

I told him I wanted to throw up. I told him I was dissociating. I told him I was afraid of people. I told him I needed space because I couldn’t settle. I told him the thoughts went from “I made a mistake” to “I’m a horrible person, unforgivable, unable to have a relationship, ruined all my chances” and that that occurs in seconds and if I don’t do anything it can last for days. I told him it used to result in a belief that I was going to hell.  

I told him I have ocd, and maybe some trauma too. 

I told him I didn’t know if I was sexually abused, I still don’t know, I just know that I feel unsafe sometimes. He confirmed that I had been physically abused and that I was bullied. 

I told him he triggered these experiences I have that are distressing and make me feel like I’m a kid again -and that in the last year I’ve felt more and more crazy every time it happens because I thought I was doing better, had forgiven myself and him, and now I feel like a kid and I’m scared and don’t know what to do. 

I told him that I’ve seen and experienced things that he hasn’t and that it makes it hard because I don’t know what he is aware of… and so it’s hard to understand why he isn’t getting it. (Eg torture cells and concentration camps and what ethnic cleansing looks like as it develops). As well as the conditions people are fleeing when they come the US for asylum. 

And when it was over - And I went home feeling like I had been way too vulnerable… because I didn’t want to fall into replaying the convo 5 millions times I distracted myself and did some work. And cried a bunch anyway. And I don’t want to go into the spirals because that makes it worse. But I also don’t want to dwell on my own vulnerability, or my hurt or my anger… but he confirmed things that felt very congruent with how I’d been feeling… confirmed that he sees these things as differences of opinion even though I experienced them as harmful. Confirmed that he didn’t “know” about how immigrants were being treated even though I told him. And that he only recently considered it cuz he watch a program a week ago from Chris cuomo who said it. Confirmed that he never really figured out why thousands of masked armed militia were sent to terrorize us. Even though I asked him months ago to figure it out when I left shaking in fight or flight from his home. He didn’t look it up, and hadn’t really considered it. 

And now I’m worried I’ll be spiraling again because it’s bed time and that’s when it gets the loudest.