Energy work (sat) and Self Assessment (Sun)

 

Energy work

Went out to the border of Wisconsin to see an energy worker. Wasn’t entirely sure what to expect as it seems they are all a little different. I liked her space, art and spiritual items on the walls and shelves, jewelry for sale, butterflies over the bed space, a nice scent, low light.

To be perfectly honest I kind of had a hard time taking in the person. I guess I was trying to notice where I was at and how I felt. Vulnerable. And in that space I don’t make as much eye contact. She seemed to be able to pick up on the things I was thinking a few seconds after I had thought them, sometimes slightly off.

I can’t remember what I wrote in my intake form, but she was prepared.

She introduced me to a few larger concepts I hadn’t visualized or considered before but generally I was familiar with 90% of what she was sharing, and to some extent she overshared… or, I got it, and kind of tuned her out to notice what I was experiencing, including my desire to intellectualize things. But it was all pretty clear cut even though she shared for a bit.

 

I think the energy work part also mirrored what I was experiencing overall.

It is so hard to allow myself to be attended to.  To trust that someone is able to do so, without their own agenda, without their needs being met first.

She acknowledged this going in, “hey let me take care of myself, let me clear the space, that’s the part you’re paying for.”  I share similar sentiments with my clients. This is your space, your time, let me adjust and do my own work, you have no need to attend to me.

(Which maybe sometimes is a lie?)

But anyway… to some extent I was tuning her out because what she was sharing already made sense to me, and she was explaining to allow me to get comfortable with the procedure and it was helpful, but I picked up what she was putting down.

She did give me some flowery language that felt good, but that I didn’t fully trust. She said you have a strong hara line (which she explained), but there is a disconnect with your aura, like they aren’t talking to one another… meaning in essence, you have a great ability to be integrated/connected/aligned in a durable sturdy way, but it isn’t resonating outward to the environment -as in you know you’re capable, but you’re masking/disconnected. Which she acknowledged.

So the way she would integrate was to use the heart chakra as a gateway between the spirit and the body, and sort of integrate/open/expand not just the flow of the connection between these chakras but then outward into the larger field. And it all made sense to me energetically and intellectually.

But on the table… a different thing.

She asked me to basically ground into my heart space, and I can do that easily. Bring to mind gratitude, appreciation, etc. Again, most of the time easily… breathe into them, expand… ok why can’t I breathe?

Then after settling into that rhythm, relaxing a little bit into that centeredness she switched to the upper chakras and at times I felt a little aware of my furrowed brow, the heaviness in my mind… but again more easily integrated. Then she switched to my sacral, and solar plexus … and again, why don’t I know how to breathe, to relax, to sit with, to be attended to. These great judgments that held me locked into place. And this desire to open up, to let go, to be held and understood… such great desire to be known and cared for… but the fear so much stronger. Not just those judgments -why don’t you know how… but underlying them, why are you so afraid, why don’t you believe you deserve it, why do you push this away so strongly?  

I started crying, turned away, couldn’t breathe. She told me I was doing good, that I wasn’t alone, that it was ok. And my inner judge that keeps me safe was very much defensive to those statements. Made me want to laugh. “I’m not alone? Really?”  “I’m ok?  I don’t even know how to let someone get close to me without being afraid.” “I’m doing good… yeah right. Every part of me wants to turn away right now.”

She told me after there is a lot of grief there. I think that’s the nice way to put it… grief is the underlying emotion, grief and hurt, loneliness, rejection, self abandonment, abandonment by others… there is a tremendous amount of grief there, but its coming up as trauma. It’s coming up as unsafe/and judgy. 

If I have access to my brain, or my heart in this case I can try to remind myself… but multiple times I had to open my eyes to remind myself where I was, and that it was ok. Afterwards as we were debriefing a little and scheduling another appointment I started dissociating a lot. It was wild how unreal everything felt… I was just gone -either locked into thoughts… or just not present at all. I was able to get through it. Settled myself in the sun walking around the parking lot and the sidewalk… but

I am sooo comfortable and safe in my head. I can get to my heart easily… but beneath that?  To integrate with this body, to feel grounded can be so hard sometimes.

I’ve been doing a lot of meditations around feeling rooted… around breathing through each chakra. I think she could sort of tell that I have the ability to do these things… but they require safety and effort.  Let go, let someone else take care of you? Place their hand on your stomach, or your heart… oooh.

I felt better after. Good enough that I almost said hi to someone in chipotle just because I liked their smile… But I also feel sad for myself. 

This is pretty much the same space I got to with doing trauma work the last couple times. There is a vulnerability that is just soooo uncomfortable…and like so many layers of protection, trying to keep me separate, trying to keep me from going there.

On the long drive home, part of me reviewed some of my recent experiences of feeling attended to, welcomed, appreciated… how awesome it felt, how much difficulty I had trusting it.  How many times have I avoided someone else’s genuine intention to just love me?    Why does it feel so unsafe to do so. 

This morning and yesterday, I was missing E. I was missing our relationship. Missing coming home to her. Having a partner. Having someone who I can share my days with. As I was driving out to this energy appointment I was shifting that grief into gratitude… how lucky was I to have such a beautiful experience?  And you don’t need to go to that next place, because the lopsidedness was also true. SO just be grateful and send some love and light…

But on the way home I was considering how I felt taken advantage of in multiple relationships… never really asserting my needs except with boundaries I’ve held since I was a kid (can’t eat that, have to wash my hands, etc.). How I was certainly left with the feeling at times that my needs didn’t matter, that my heart and my attempts to love weren’t good enough and I hadn’t earned approval or trust or love… And even if that wasn’t the impression they were trying to leave me with (EG. E…) that because she wasn’t in a good space it was the truth anyway.  And I can acknowledge because I didn’t feel safe in any of these relationships, I also held back, had doubts, put up walls when I could have let them in… but they hadn’t made it safe to do so… or couldn’t.

The interplay of I can show my own heart a lot of appreciation… I can even remind myself of positives others have shared, their welcome, their gratitude -but to let someone else hold my heart?

So I guess that’s my thing to keep working on…

Sunday Self Assessment

It's about 3pm

Today I went and got groceries, cut up some stuff, will have ribs in the oven before I go to a cultural show... (Flamenco dancing-saw it online and thought, why not). Most of the day I've felt like I am not doing enough, not being enough... in part because I don't have any feedback or anyone to share the day with. It's all me you know.

Around 11 I realized that other than many daily productivity, I basically assess myself under one metric and always come up short. I am not in a relationship. People will point out I have had multiple careers, have a successful business, maintain an apartment, have long time friends, connections around town, traveled the world, savings in my bank... etc. But I don't have a relationship or kids... so -

It's not a very fair standard is it? Totally dismisses so many things I have done, put time and effort into... lives I've impacted for better and worse. 

I've been trying to be more fair to myself recently, to invite in new opportunities to see myself and my world differently. Go to a flamenco show. Go see a play. Go try a new activity. Indulge in an old activity you love.  Go travel. Make a new dish... and each of these things does add a memory or new experience, and I really enjoy it. but I also often come up feeling short still.  

I went to see a movie last night around 7pm (my two big activities yesterday -energy work, and a movie).  I really liked the movie. It felt like something a little underhanded, like half the audience wouldn't be in on the joke. It was sexual, and gross, and kind of romantic, and weird... and it was exactly the kind of thing I love but never share with anyone. I was in a theater full of people laughing along, cringing at the same spots, uncomfortable by the gross parts, questioning their own morality... and when we walked out together I could tell other people enjoyed it, wanted to talk to their friends about it, stood around outside the theater to chat. And I went home. Played a computer game till midnight. Woke up again around 9 am to do it over again. 

I guess what I am saying is. I know its not really fair to me. But I also feel like its sort of inevitable that I would feel this way because all the positive things I do, also make me question why I am doing them alone.   

I thought about connecting with people in my building. For some reason my small interactions with them don't make me drawn to the idea. Maybe go to trivia a block away and ask folks to do that? low stakes. easy enough. Fun...  I might try it. But just not sure how to meet my people.

I've been thinking since I came home from New York that I am not satisfied with just a private practice. Maybe get back into teaching?   But today I was thinking about how eager I am to give away my free time to this new idea of working... when part of the reason for going into private practice was to have more work life balance. Like... wait a minute. This will be a job. Why am I trying to work more?  And I know its because I am bored... but why not take a class myself then? Why not try out something where I am meeting peers?  Why go hang out with presumably younger people for a few hours a week (working)... and not just create my own workshops? 

I dunno.

All that is to say. I think I live a really good life. I feel very blessed, and I have a lot to be grateful for. I have had more opportunities than a lot of folks, and though I am risk averse to a great degree... I've set myself up in a way that I can pursue basically anything I want to do. But I am... lonely.  Its very easy to judge myself when I am feeling so proud, and also so alone. 

This week should be easy enough... basically 5 people a day. Therapy on Wednesday I think. A birthday party on Saturday. This flamenco thing tonight followed by hopefully tasty ribs. Trivia? Open mic? Research jobs and update my resume?  Practice my spanish... day dream about the future. 

The daily

 Its Wednesday. This week is going fine... I have less clients today and don't really know what to do with myself. I am exercising a bit, made some lunch. Probably do Spanish. Gonna see a friend for dinner. 

Had dinner with my mom and step dad last night, hung out for a few hours. 

Monday and Tuesday had busier days at work... back in the flow of seeing clients. 

Tomorrow maybe doing open mic?  Friday maybe a social thing at the place down the street...? stranger danger.  Sat energy healing appointment. Sunday Flamenco show...

I mean, I have things. But it all feels very routine and not very life changing. 

I keep waiting for something that gives me new direction, and it keeps not happening. Considering maybe trying to teach again at a college or something. Maybe going to trivia weekly and having it act as a drop in spot for friends or acquaintances. I don't really want to commit to something bigger -worried it will be too much energy and not worth the effort.  Protests? sure... but probably not organizing or joining a political campaign. I told myself if I don't meet someone new by September I have to get on a dating app, but in my past experience that's been a lot about voyeurism (seeing opportunities) and less about actually meeting someone. Hoping to go to Mexico City next spring... can probably start planning.

Don't know what I am doing with family. Haven't talked to E in months. There was definitely a drop in my social interactions...  

I dunno, I guess I didn't have a lot to say. Maybe do some dishes... Probably could have used another cup of coffee. 

Home

 It’s been kind of a weird transition back. 

Yesterday I got in and took a bus/train combo home, lamenting the whole way that there were no people here (until cedar riverside). Even the U was dead on a Friday afternoon. It was hot/humid, and everyone must be out of town…? I dunno I felt sad. I ended up taking a nap and staying in after getting canes for dinner. I woke up and it was drizzling, and gray and kind of yuck. Grabbed checks, got groceries, put away my stuff from the trip. Went to the bank, went for a walk. 

At a coffee shop right now, probably go to a movie in an hour. My mood has slowly gotten better, but part of that has been fantasizing about leaving again… so is that better?  

I walked the river paths, and the green put me in a better mood. Still not a lot of people, and so quiet… but I considered all the things and prayed while walking, and ended up on a fantasy of leaving for two years or never coming back, spending all my grandmas money buying tickets for people to come join me on my last hurrah. 

At a certain point I wondered why it was so easy to feel optimistic about leaving my own life behind… and again realized I’m not happy here… I’m content most of the time, but as of right now, not happy. I have some friends but don’t always feel very connected to them.  Just different interests and circumstances? I dunno. Barely talking to half my family, and we are all so independent. No prospects for a family of my own or even a partner… no community and none promised. I’m not bought into anything except my own survival and independence and if it’s that, why not be independent elsewhere? 

But I do love this place. I do love the green. I do love the art and murals. I do love the people. I do love the STOP ice stop signs. Maybe I just need to find a new neighborhood or something. 

OR buy into something. As I told my friend, I know that if I moved to NYC I would still be me, and that doesn’t seem like it would necessarily bring about a positive change… and at the same time I looked at the powerball numbers and wondered - if I had a few million to spare would I move there? Yes! 

My fantasy included the goodbyes… all the people I’ve loved, all those I’ve wronged, all those I carry in my heart. It’s funny that the three women who loved me the most openly were the three I broke up with. I worried they had lost themselves. All are doing better now… I think. 

I felt like I as singing “where do I go” the whole walk. What is this life? I know that if I still feel this way in a year it’s time for a change. 

There is just too much beauty to spend so much time feeling meh. Not that things can always be a honeymoon, but I need more honeymoon in my life. 

Write?

Create?

Teach?

Travel?

Who can I love that will love me back?

Last night in town

 Turns out I love New York. I spent the last 6 days here and every day was great even though I went to different places and did different things. The first two days I exclusively stayed in Brooklyn (with the exception of the airport). The last 4 I’ve been in manhattan and the other islands and a little time in Brooklyn at the end of the day. 

Did I write about yesterday?

Yesterday I took the subway up to MOMA and it was a great museum. Again, you see paintings that are famous, and they look like the painting you know. But Klimt, Kahlo, Dali, Monet, Van Gogh, all the modern famous people! It was a treat for the eyes, and I rushed through in a couple hours so that I didn’t have to worry about the play. 

I suppose I was also a little museumed out by that point, but all the art that looked cool, I stopped to admire, including one room where the artist lady took photos of people sleeping in her bed. It said she got the idea because she got sick of following people around all day… the line between art and crime is thin. 

One thing I didn’t quite realize was how small some of these famous paintings are… Frida made really small works of art. I had no idea. 

Other modern art stuff just looks like hey I needed to fill some space. And it’s easy to walk by, because I don’t get the symbolic meaning, and I don’t care to in the moment.

Anyway I got out early and had plenty of time to meander my way to broadway, stopped at the cathedral and another church, stopped at Rockefeller center (building?) whatever it’s called, stopped at time square- ran away because it was too overwhelming, came back later.  Did a bunch of stuff and ran around smiling and taking pictures and generally enjoying New York. Then I went to see the Buena Vista Social Club on broadway and it was amazing! Great music and dancing, great story. Just loved every minute of it. Then I talked to my mom on the phone because she likes to live vicariously through my travels and she has basically been calling me everyday to hear about it (which is really nice). Also she really loves New York, and told me tonight she would have been really disappointed if I didn’t also. But I do… and we talked for over an hour several days about how great it is here. 

Then I went to madam toussads (sp?) and goofed my way through it. Would have been better with someone else but was still silly. Also they had a 4d “ride” with jumanji and I was glad I’d seen the movie (the new one) it was really fun. 

Then I walked down to Bryant park which I fucking loved!!!! And  grand central and then out to the UN building which had its flags down so it didn’t seem so great. A Tibet protest outside and a ceremony?   I made my way back to Brooklyn. 

Today. I started at the Empire State Building - which means nothing because from the street you can’t see shit. So I went south towards a park, and then decided to go to Chelsea and as I got further away the view of the Empire State Building got better and better. I stopped outside the vessel, and then did the high line through Chelsea to the Chelsea market… both super cool. The high line might be even better if I knew anything about plants or gardening but I loved the views and the weird voyeurism  aspect of being basically next to people’s lives while walking above ground… hard to explain, or would take more words… they have giant windows and outdoor patios that basically are 10-15 feet away from the path?

Chelsea market kind of reminder me of every market made inside an old warehouse or whatever that has been made the hip cool place. But it was also fun.

From there I went south and got pizza at one of the best rated places. Which was good. I hope New York can forgive me, but I like punch pizza better… I mean it was great, but was it better than Neapolitan? 

Then I went to Stonewall, which the memorial itself was nothing, but the little tourist center small though it was, was really nice. Just like a fun cute safe space, they keep it super positive in there. But there is a section where they have all these journals and little prompts and they ask people to write.. and it made me cry a lot. Made me realize I’m so grateful to be alive and to be less ashamed and less scared than I was growing up. the world has gotten a little better… we gotta keep fighting. I said thanks to the people and cried as I left. I made sure to add to one of the journals just to acknowledge I am alive and it is good. 

From there I walked to Washington square park which was another really cool park. I sat and people watched and listened to a jazz trio for 45 minutes or something. It was the most chill part of my whole trip,,, it’s been hard to sit still there is so much to to see and do. Eventually I decided I did want to make it to the tenement museum eventually, so I meandered my way through the east village which was way cooler than the west village(so posh), and then into the lower east side for the tenement museum. I didn’t realize they had said it up as specific families for specific time periods and I kind of missed the window on the 1800s family’s from Ireland, so I did one that sounded cool. A family in the 1950s with parents who survived the holocaust and a family from Puerto Rico in the 60s who were part of the wave of people who came over and eventually became 1/10 of the population of the nyc. The museum is set up in the buildings (some of the exact apartments) as the families that lived there, and basically they have recreated the furnishings and just tell you stories about the people and from their perspective (if they left it). The families I saw are still alive, so they shared little audio/video recordings from them as well as talking about how they have come to the museum and brought their children to see where they grew up. 

It was really more interesting and moving than I thought it would be and also super weird. I kept thinking, what would it be like if they asked me to recreate one of the apartments I grew up in… it’s really no different except you realized literally multiple dozens of families have lived in these apartments since the mid 1800s or wheneve the building was built. A difference between the original and the era I saw was that the apartments were redone and expanded considerably, so like double the size of the families in the 1800s and early 1900s. But the paint jobs are terribly thick (so many layers), and the floors are all uneven, and things are slanted, and you can tell it was home… but also not the nicest home. 

They said at one point, the lower east side was the most densely populated area on the planet with 2-3k people living in each block. I asked about the demographics now… they said mostly young professionals paying 3500 a month for rent. I’ve seen some apartments in New York that were way smaller…but you also recognize this is like 100 years of built up chemicals and toxic shit. 

Oh they also mentioned a funny feature of tenement life, they had air ventilation in the middle of the building, so you might have windows that faced other peoples windows and they called them handshake neighbors or something, where literally you meet your neighbor by tapping on their window 2 feet away. Apparently it helped the kids make friends. 

After that I went north into the east village again to see if I could notice anything different about alphabet city (from rent)… on the whole the east side is rougher, more vibrant, more “urban” like more graffiti and murals and stuff. I didn’t feel unsafe or anything, just recognized it wasn’t posh. But that specific area didn’t look much different from parts of Brooklyn. 

I guess I saw more black people in that neighborhood than in others… on the whole, I’m sort of shocked that it doesn’t feel very black? I dunno how to say that, but like it feels like an international city. People from everywhere, all different races and nationalities and ethnicities and languages. So black Americans don’t stand out as being a significant portion of the population in any of the areas I’ve seen which is surprising. I did not go to Harlem and I do wonder if queens or the Bronx might be different. 

After going up there I headed south again, strolled into little Italy, was shocked how Chinatown still feels like a Chinatown. I dunno, those two neighborhoods are weird. I assume the Italians don’t live there in the same way the Chinese do. Little Italy seems like a tourist few blocks, China town seems like a place people live. Except I didn’t see any Chinese markets - maybe they are hidden. That would be the major exception and it was significant. I mean even on eat street you’ve got Asian markets. Where is all the dried fish? And other stuff?

Maybe I am just lot privy to that. Anyway… I got some amazing lo mein. Then walked down to the subway at Fulton and saw east lower manhattan which has way more life than the west side. I came back to Brooklyn and got some icecream and walked a bit to say goodbye. 

I’m kind of sad to leave. This has been an amazing trip in an amazing place. 

I commented to my friend and my mom, the  thing that is bumming me out the most is that I’m gonna miss seeing people. It’s just different here. The density of people is sooooo vibrant and amazing. You can’t go ten feet without seeing people. I know I’m gonna miss that feeling. Sure they are in the way, and annoying and all that… but it’s just the feeling of being surrounded by people on every direction. It fills you with energy. 

Mn is dead in comparison. Even at our best we got like 3% of what nyc does. It makes it clear how easy it is to call us a flyover state. If you were from here. Almost everywhere in the world has nothing on your home. I could imagine people leave from here and they are excited to get back, whereas I  am like… maybe I’ll just miss my flight accidentally. 

There is probably more to say. But when I get back and I’m hit by the wall of emptiness and quiet and the lack of vibrancy I’ll try to think about r writing down more.   NYC is amaze balls.

Quick notes.

1) Does the dryer even work? My clothes are damp like in Europe, I wonder if my friend has a setting on there to make them not get too dry or something…

2) I got really paranoid in the last 15 minutes.. the basement is kind of creep, all basements are… but it’s just like, someone could be down there and I would never know. The front door has multiple locks, but does the back? This room seems to have a fake lock. I’ve felt completely safe in New York until these last few minutes and now I keep thinking about someone being in here… creepy.

3) by day one I had already started feeling the loneliness… but it’s getting stronger every day. I’m checking in with friends, my brothers, my mom calls me daily… but it’s the thing of wanting a partner. It’s seeing so many couples and families. It’s seeing so many beautiful people and being like, I want one. Yes there is some possessiveness, it’s not entirely all love based, I’m also lusting - even with my totally exhausted by the end of the day, and mid day sweating sticky don’t touch me vibe. But definitely a feeling of, where is my love? How come everyone else gets one and I don’t kind of thing. The past time I traveled alone was the Baltic’s I think, and I remember everyday being like, why are you doing this alone?  

There is something kind of existential about it. Not just not connected, but like alone alone while completely surrounded by people. 50 thousand people in the park picnicking, holding hands at the museum, riding in the horse carriages. Where is my other half?

Seeing so much can feel amazing and beautiful and eye opening, but can also make you question what you’re doing here on earth if you don’t have anyone to share it. 

Day 4

 I know I skipped a day. 

Which order should I go in?

Yesterday -realizing I’d walked too much the day before, I decided to take it easier. I got up and took the subway to the south end of manhattan and then got on a boat for liberty island, and then another to Ellis island, and then back to the battery. 

The Statue of Liberty is cool and all, but mostly just for pictures. The audio guide was kind of an annoying. The view of manhattan and Brooklyn and the whole surrounding area was great, even from the ground level(I did not pay to go up). Ellis island was more moving. Thinking of the experience of all the millions who have come here seeking a better life, escaping war/famine/crises of all kinds and looking for opportunity… I guess I had never realized that the only people who went to Ellis island were the ones in steerage class. The 1st and 2nd class passengers had a doctor and someone come on board and then they were let off to New York.  The island had hospitals and a court room, all the various ways they tried to keep people away or help them move forward. I liked the theme… of immigrants built this country, I dislike that we are still discriminating. 

The whole trip took about 3-4 hours with wait times and what not. The boat rides only took 10-20 minutes but waiting in line, getting on and off.. the whole time I barely heard any English. Italian, Spanish, a bunch of east Europe and Asian languages… very little English. 

After getting back to the main land, I walked up from the battery on broadway where everyone was posing with the bull (not on Wall Street which is interesting). I walked around trinity church and saw the grave stones or markers of a few famous folks from Hamilton.

I then zigzagged through the lower manhattan buildings, the place where Washington was sworn in, the New York stock exchange, the banks… and all the fancy buildings that At ground level have normal stores and a lot of tourist shit, but above look crazy rich. 

I then made my way over to the 9/11 memorial. 

At first I was confused because they have a bunch of buildings called wtc or whatever, but some of them are in honor of… like there is a new looking mall. And then there is a whole new wtc, and then there are the spots where the old one is, with the reflecting waterfall pools, and the building where you still see some of the old structure underground. 

From the moment I got there I was crying. I don’t know it’s just the thought of so many people dying all at once is so horrifying still. Plus watching it for weeks, up all night, knowing that everything might change. I have been feeling that trauma for a long time, and I cried my eyes out… I hope that some of it can just go now. But in some ways it was all brought back.

At the waterfall pools they have all the names. Inside, when I was buying a ticket I started crying and the girl gave me tissues. She was like, I can tell you’re gonna need these. (They have more at specific spots throughout). 

Robert deniro does the audio for one part of the guide. A journalist does it for the other. Scattered throughout the audio they have people sharing their stories -mostly of afterwards. The museum exhibits share the story of that day really well (all 4 planes etc). It’s really really hard At certain sections. 

From the beginning they do try to paint it as a thing that has been overcome, but it’s a good balance. The first exhibit is this “slab wall” where you realize it could have been even worse. Apparently part of the wtc complex that made it such a big deal was that they had dug our huge amounts of the earth and reinforced it so that the river didn’t come in and crumble everything. They say if the wall had failed the river would have swept through the subway and maybe under the whole city…. I dunno scary.

Another early part is that they show you this staircase that was the exit to one of the streets and later you find out more,  but basically people used it in the nick of time and got out alive before the whole building fell. And you can see the damaged steps. 

In general the museum kind of shares the aftermath a little, and then you go into the story of the day… minute by minute at times. The first tower, the confusion, the second tower, the alarm going up, the pentagon(which you never heard much about), and the 4th plane that went down in the field. You hear about the emergency responders and the efforts they made to get people out. You hear voice recordings from the passengers on the planes, the people in the buildings, and of all the people calling folks knowing they were either on a plane or in the building and the increased concern throughout the day. 

The pentagon section was really eye opening because you never really heard about it. But you hear from people who were there and just how bewildering it was, and torturous. I dunno. In some ways I didn’t have as much empathy for them, but at the same time hearing them talk about how scared, confused, in shock they were made it more real than the conspiracies. 

The 4th plane folks, they basically have not only transcripts from inside the cockpit but also tons of voice calls the passengers made. It’s just sad. 

The part that killed me was the piece about people losing hope and jumping. There are tons of pictures and videos, and it’s just horrifying. I know some of those people did what they felt was the empowering thing to do. But so many just couldn’t stand the heat and the smoke. And they must have been soooo terrified. I just started bawling at that point. A lady rubbed my arm, as I walked away. It was totally unbearable… like I’m still so upset. 

And people on the ground talked about it that way too. Like they couldn’t look away even though it was devastating to watch because they felt like they had to honor them. 

There are a bunch of parts about the firefighters and police and stuff. And you know they  are playing it in their recordings,  but at the same time you can tell they’re falling apart because all of their friends are dying around them. It was hard to hear in the crowd with all the audios and what not… but apparently all the emergency personnel were wearing these audio things that set off an alarm if they don’t move for 30 seconds. And they talked about how after the buildings fell suddenly hundreds of these alarms went off all at once and it was just awful for everyone because not only was the ash and smoke and heat everywhere but there was these alarms and all the emergency people knew what it meant. Hundreds of them. 

The dispatch people too… they just sounded so like wtf??? Knowing they were sending th largest amount of first responders ever into this burning building (like every body for miles). 

And then also they had to evacuate the whole south part of the island, which is exactly what I’d been walking around. 

I dunno it was crazy. 

Anyway… the museum ends on this sort of - we were all there for each other and ready to get the bad guys thing. And it’s kind of a horrible realization.. because the whole world really was on our side. We could have done incredible things… and we squandered it for wars.

After that I decided to walk back… which was too much, but I wanted to walk the Brooklyn bridge once at least and I figured the next few days I’d probably be going further north. So I did that after taking a few pictures of other things. I got back and was totally dead. 

I took it easier this morning… woke up slowly. Then spent an hour on the subway heading to the top of manhattan for the Cloisters which is a bizarre little mishmash of Europe (and some random stuff from the americas). It’s beautiful and also weird. I walked along the park and read about some of the battles in the revolutionary war that took place near by. Then made my way to Central Park via subway. Basically skipper like 85 blocks or something including the rest of Washington heights and Harlem… so. I walked through the north end of the park and made it to the museum of the city of NY. Which was ok. Fairly simply, a little propaganda but basically telling the story of the city.  One of my fav exhibits was a video that showed where the historic sites are today - and was stands there now - and like I had already realized, so much of it is just built over. No marker or nothing. But I had been to a bunch of the spots - so that felt cool. 

After that I got lunch and continued south along 5th Ave… eventually made my way to the Met which was gigantic and way too much and I was discombobulated and tired by that point. I forgot I was partially going to the met to see the Dali paintings, but I saw a bunch of others that are famous and when you see a famous painting in real life you go “oh, yeah that’s what it looks like.” Washington crossing the deleware, Van Gogh, Monet, Picasso, they look exactly like you’d think. 

The museum was like 10x version of the Brooklyn one and they must have had some of the same contributors, it reminded me of the louvre. They had a fucking Egyptian temple, they had what appeared to be all the components of a cathedral but spread out and on display, they had tons of gold from the muisca, and masks from Benin and Songhai and all sorts of stuff. I basically skipped the Asian section, I wanted to skip some of the Europe but see all those famous people above. It was so much that you don’t stop to look except at the thing that really really catches your eye.  

When I got done there, I was still exhausted.. but I walked down through Central Park and took some pictures. Then got on the subway back. Grabbed some pizza and now I’m doing laundry and hopin g to go to bed early. 

Tomorrow MOMA, a broadway show (I might have been ripped off), a bunch of tourist spots… I’m hoping to wake up early to have enough time to enjoy things. I think the museum opens at like 9:30? I should double check. If I could get there as it opens, I’d feel really good about my day. 

Day 2

 What I wrote to a friend:

So my friends place is in Gowanus neighborhood, which is kind of a gentrifying area, surrounded by super diverse commercial streets, like central Ave times 10. So I walked a few streets after getting a bagel breakfast sandwich and made my way to prospect park, which is a gigantic park (brooklyns Central Park) and checked out the trails. It’s got large fields, picnic areas, some historic spots, a forest, next to some botanical gardens and I think a zoo? I dunno it’s massive. I think I walked about half way through in an hour and a half, then went to the Brooklyn museum. Saw some ancient Egyptian, Assyrian, and east and south Asian artifacts/art/religious stuff, and a bunch of other art.  The Tibetan shrine, and the Egyptian papyrus copies of the book of the dead were both pretty awe inspiring. Also just some of these things are like 3000 to 5000 years old. One of the most interesting long time exhibits they have is called the dinner party, by Judy Chicago. It’s a large piece in which she honors women throughout history with dinner plate designed with “vulvar” themes and intricately designed runner place mats. Even though it sounds kind of ridiculous, it was actually really moving. There were a number of really beautiful artworks. 

Ate a chicken gyro from a truck at lunch, then walked zig zagging through streets that looked interesting up to Williamsburg. Along the way walked through one of the large Hasidic neighborhoods which is a trip.  Williamsburg is like a newish hipster spot, with some cool shops and art and what not. Went down to the east river and chilled for a bit staring at manhattan. Then walked to an area they call Dumbo, briefly stopping at an outdoor dance party - which if it wasn’t so fucking not - and maybe I had some drugs , I would have stayed all night.  At dumbo, I also chilled for a bit by the river, saw some art, some stores, people watched. Then walked back through the downtown area to my friends place - getting some teriyaki chicken on the way.

I’m sure there is more but I’m beat. I think I walked like 15-20 miles today in the heat. I’m worried I’m chafing in all the wrong places, and probably sun burned. 

Tomorrow Manhattan - probably for the next few days. One of the cats came out to play. The other is still missing. Talked to my mom and a few friends. I dunno. Still lonely, but also not. If the skin needs to heal. I can hobble around a museum or sit for a play, or go on a cruise around the harbor. 

Saw some people on jet skis it did not look fun. It looked like panic with the size of the waves. 

Helloooooo Brooklyn!

 And also hello from Brooklyn. I landed in queens I guess, but other than being at an airport and on a train I have been in Brooklyn. 

I am at my friends apartment “cat sitting” except the cats are hiding so I have barely seen them. Picked up two piles of cat puke though… and fed them. So I guess I’m doing my job. 

The apartment is in a cute neighborhood that is just adjacent to some more interesting ones… meaning theirs has some higher end restaurants and a Whole Foods, while the streets nearby are filled with all sorts of stores and restaurants. So much so that it is enthralling for hour, somewhat sensory overwhelm but in a magical way that makes you feel alive. My mom said that about New York this morning when I was not feeling very alive at 5 am, that this is a city that is exciting and feels alive all the time. So far I have found that to be true, at least of Brooklyn. 

I got off the train a bit further than my friend recommended so that I could walk around a bit. Walked a mile or two to get to the place, the keys didn’t seem to work so I called her and she said “push.” So far that’s been the only crisis. The other being I bought an Omni card or whatever for the subway then later realized you can just use a normal credit card. 

In my miles of walking in the 90 degree heat and sun (early afternoon) I was literally dripping when I got in. But as soon as I got in, I wanted to leave again. It’s a cute apartment; they have sooo much stuff, and it doesn’t in any way meet the stereotype of being small, but it was the streets that called to me. I walked Atlantic and 4th to get here, I walked part of 3rd, 4th, and 5th just to explore before cutting east. Found myself on smith heading north towards downtown Brooklyn. All of these streets/avenues are commercial and just overflowing with life. Tons of people on the street, block parties, parks full, plus just people hanging out. 

In the downtown area I checked out the outsides of some of the civic and state buildings while strolling through the parks. Little kids playing soccer. Bikers. Skaters. Folks out for a stroll. Tons of couples, tons of families. 

And a raising canes if I can’t find food in the millions of other spots. I’ll admit I went to Whole Foods to get carrots and sunscreen, but even the Whole Foods felt like a market, not the sanitary suburban place on the border of slp. It was crowded and noisy and people were bustling. I didn’t go into any bodegas but did stop at a pharmacy and a smaller grocer later in the day. The bodegas are funny because they look like corner stores, but they have a whole menu of pictures plastered on the windows or walls outside. I saw food from Mexico, Ecuador, Colombia, Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, Cuba, Yemen, Lebanon, Syria, Palestine, Israel, Ethiopia, Italy, France, Germany, Britain, Ireland, Poland, Thai, Chinese, Vietnamese, Indian, Korean, Japanese, and probably more that I’m forgetting. And half the places seem to sell food from multiple backgrounds, like all the kebab/gyro trucks also had a taco menu and vice versa.  Like it truly is a wonderfully diverse place. People from everywhere speaking all sorts of languages and inviting mike to guess… is that Haitian French or west African French? Is that Mexican Spanish or Cuban Spanish?  

There are chains, I did see a McDonald’s and burger kind, chick fil a, Popeyes, Dave’s hot chicken and canes, but there are many more local small businesses than the chains. It’s like a little out of place almost when you see the dominos or the Starbucks. The target and Dave and busters apparently are near the mall.

Beyond the restaurants there are also food trucks, and vendors with permits and not so much. Everything is on top of one another, not neatly placed, not spaced out. I kind of love that the gym and the call center and the storage locker and the literal warehouse are all next to each other. That may be one of the things that most takes me to other places… in MN, warehouses have their own land… here, you walk by and they are moving pallets, or stacking packages right next door to a commercial business. It reminds me of Latin America that way. 

But like, there was a toy store that had all the toys and action figures out and posed in the store front. Not in packages… but like posed (like how things used to be… you know?)  there were multiple magic stores that I came across, yes book stores and trinkets and all sorts of stuff but multiple magic stores for magicians?!?!? I mean… how amazing. 

It was 90 degrees today and so many people were outside… they still are out on the town. Block after block, in the parks, on the piers, under the bridges. It’s incredible. I walked through a couple of blocks that I was pretty sure were subsidized housing, and people were just out in the parks and courtyards having parties. Along the piers there are places where people grill and picnic. So many families celebrating because it’s summer and it’s Saturday. In mn? Na. We might go to a patio brewery or go on the lake, or maybe go for a bike ride… but here everyone is out. 

And everyone looks good. It’s not the Boston shallow, it’s like people look good, healthy, wear clothes that fit. I dunno. Makes me self conscious as I sweat through my t shirt, and my belly bulges… but I was walking around for at least 5-6 hours. And loved it almost the whole time (had to get some drinks/snacks to keep up the energy). 

Tomorrow I’m hoping to explore prospect park, the Brooklyn museum, get a bagel, maybe go to Williamsburg, or another neighborhood (all these neighborhoods used to be villages/cities in themselves). 

I looked at a map of the area I walked today and it was like 1/8 of Brooklyn… it felt like a lot. 

Wish I had a romantic partner to do this with. 

In terms of cities, I spent a lot of time trying to compare… the closest I’ve gotten is Buenos  Aires… huge, multicultural, lively, vibrant and exciting. A mix of old and new. Parks and buildings and art, good transportation. Great food. 

In vastness, the tall building remind me of São Paulo or Lima, both of which are also very multicultural. I’d say smell wise, maybe some of the cities in India. It’s pretty funky at least once a block, but it just feels like part of it…  I dunno. A little like London, except instead of hustle and bustle dreary, it’s hustle and bustle lively.  But not really other parts of Europe. 

There are hills in Brooklyn, but when I first got in from the airport, it seemed the whole area was totally flat. I think the height of the trains (some of them look down on the neighborhoods) makes it seem more flat than maybe it is.

I also think the visuals really mess with your head distance wise. I feel like I walk a mile and the map shows me an inch. 

Anyway… getting tired (two nights in a row with only 4-5 hours). Hopefully the Chinese food I had for dinner doesn’t make me sick. 

More Brooklyn tomorrow. I think Monday-Wednesday I run around manhattan, museums, parks, maybe see a show, I dunno. Probably Thursday just playing catch up to whatever I didn’t see… perhaps a trip on the water. I am not sure if I want to be out and about at night. I think maybe when I get to know the place a bit better. But also just tired. 

No plans for queens or the Bronx or Staten Island unless I randomly stumble into them… it’s just a lot in 6 days as it is.  And given how long the train takes, and needing to be at the airport two hours early, I think Friday will also be an early morning leaving. 

Ok… I am brain dead. Brooklyns great. At one point I felt really sad that I’ve never been out here before. I could make it a thing to come once every few years easily. 

Adding this on after::: my mom asked for a highlight. I ended with saying this feels like the best of the US. She agreed.