Angry dreams

 I just woke up livid, can feel the anger surging through me still. Almost intentionally waking from a dream in which I was so pissed I couldn’t stay in it. 

In the dream, I was at some sort of spa thing with my dad’s side of the family and a friend of mine I’d been hanging out with came too. For some reason I had skateboarded there, but also taken my car, I dunno dreams are weird. 

It was mostly good, I was having a heart to heart with my friend… though I felt somewhat on the spot. I was determined to stay open-hearted, vulnerable. 

Then we were all in the hot tub. For some reason I was holding the baby (my step-sisters most recent who is not really a baby anymore, but still too young for a hot tub).  Everyone was having a good time, and then my dad made a joke to me - that felt snarky. I wasn’t sure what he meant entirely, but the tone was underhanded. It was something like:

“Hey yeah Mike, and every few years will conveniently white wash history with the blood of patriots, right?” 

And initially I just said “yeah” as in, I hear that this is a mixed message, that somehow you’re trying to honor the sacrifice and martyrdom, while also insinuating that it’s convenient somehow, that it’s a social compact and that he was asking me to agree… to make that compact again and just say it’s ok. 

I got more angry as I sat there, and eventually got up. I handed the baby to my sister and said I have to go. I stormed out of the spa in my swim suit, but basically without clothes. 

I was skateboarding up the street angrily (which is hard to do because you still have to balance), then realized I’d left my friend with my family in an awkward situation.

So I tried to go back, there was construction and suddenly it was more tricky to go back. 

When I got to the parking lot, they were all walking out, and my friend looked fine… so I just turned around and skated towards my car (again, not sure). 

I got “home” and was trying to distract myself on the internet… fuming still. Thinking about how my dad’s anger is what caused the fight, not mine, but wrestling with this reactivity I have… is this ptsd? 

It wasn’t initially any home i'd lived in, but eventually it became the Shelard park apartment, and I decided I’d lock myself in the bedroom. I got in there and there were three bunk beds stripped of sheets. I went to the only other furniture, a large dresser, looking for just a shirt at first - I felt vulnerable being half naked after all. But in the top drawer there were pillows, all variety (like also for couches). I grabbed a few and looked for pillow cases, realizing I had to put some of the pillows back because they didn’t have corresponding pillow cases. Eventually I got two the right fit. 

My dad entered the room. I was still fuming. Irritated more by not being able to find the thing I was looking for. He stood by the bed, and put the pillows on the top bunk.

I grabbed them and threw them on the bottom where I’d been wanting to lay down. He grabbed them again, and put them on the top, saying “are you yourself again?” Or something like that, and I said “yes.” But almost immediately I knew that wasn’t entirely true. I knew that I needed to say I was myself, but that just moments before I’d been questioning why I was soooooo reactive and wanting my dad to be compassionate and empathetic towards my trauma, but in the moment. No. You don’t get to put this on me. 

He indicated with a gesture that he was putting my pillows on the top bunk because he wanted to speak face to face -man to man kind of thing. Then he started saying 

“Your resentment…” and I stopped him “my resentment!!?”  

Rage started pushing through me, he stood between me and the door, and he wanted to blame things on me. The dream didn’t go any further - I woke up funneling all this angry energy…

I think if the dream had gone further, the argument would have been that his anger and resentment was what caused the fight, not mine, and I would have asked him to take responsibility for it. But I still wasn’t even sure what he meant in the hot tub, other than that it had that feeling of wanting me to join a pact in which I was downplaying how I actually felt/thought, in order to appease him. 

My dad doesn’t usually talk like that… sometimes when he is snarky… but it felt more like E’s dad( every time I saw him, or my step dad this last week). 

The feel of “I know better and I’m making you comply before you can think up an excuse to say no.” Once you say yes, you’ll spend your time convincing yourself it’s not that bad, rather than putting up boundaries… foot in the door method. 

I saw some video yesterday about “men who try to do their own work, but end up being manipulated easily because they are willing to question their own behavior, so they easily get lost holding space and caretaking others lack of responsibility.” Seems like that fits. 

Makes me wonder if this anger at my dad and step dad is actually anger at not just them, but all the people in my life that I let take advantage of me…? 

I’m less angry now. I have a cup of coffee in me… but this is the second or third time I’ve woken up from one of these angry dreams. I’m not sure what to do about it. My dad will be very busy this summer mowing lawns. 

If I wrap up my anger baby and treat him gently,… I hear you… you don’t want to do other people’s work for them… you don’t want to collude in systems that don’t feel good, you don’t want to play into their narrative at the expense of your own, you don’t want to be vulnerable and trapped by love that doesn’t feel loving. 

I also woke up with “a war with time” specifically the part where she sings “but I want you to go.” 

Which is odd because I haven’t listened to it much lately. Dreams are funny like that. The part that bothers me is that I have been thinking about time… and how little is left. I missed my dad’s 70th birthday and just celebrated my moms. What if… you know. 

What to make of this time... how to pursue your own path, and also celebrate and hold  onto the relationships that are important to you.

E moved yesterday, and I am pretty sure she didn't ask for any help because her new bf was with her. Moving forward.  What is my next chapter or verse?  I am gonna go to a coffee shop today to write my book. Probably get a hair cut this weekend. See another friend. Maybe go for a walk. Maybe go to church tomorrow. Not much is calling... but I want to dedicate some time to writing, make progress even if it is a little. 

The week back

I am not sure what to say about this week. 

It is Thursday and I have about 4 clients today, so not too busy. I am trying to go to the open mic tonight, not to perform but just to be present in a space with others who are doing creative work. Maybe eventually perform. It feels weird but I need to take the last hour of my day off in order to get there (and fed)  because its from 6-8, with sign up prior to 6pm. But I'd like to be around folks who are trying new things.

Each day this week I've felt a little less disappointed and jaded... but also not quite energized, motivated or creative. Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty full at work. Tuesday I had therapy and it was good to get it out... but I also started trying to reframe the situation. I've complained enough now... now what?

But it was good to have the recognition that the disappointment and feelings that I had not done enough, nor had anyone else, was reminiscent of my childhood... where is the adult who is supposed to fix this?  And that it is my work to sit with and accept that its ok. My mom is ok. My family is ok. Not perfect... not amazing... but good enough.   

My mom said she had a good time, and felt loved, had time with her favorite folks. That's kind of all that matters right?  So my feelings of 'this isn't enough, good enough, etc.' is mine to deal with. 

So yesterday I decided I should start reflecting on the prompt of "if my family is flawed but still loveable, gifted, a blessing, capable of dealing with their own stuff... then can I accept them, and also myself in the same way, not strive for perfection or something different, but deepening in appreciation, accepting, rather than depleting myself and trying to strive for something different. It's difficult... I feel torn between what could be (potential) and what is... and that might be the tension I just have to learn to love.

I am not sure what it all means yet. But I think this spring has been a major wake up of... you're not gonna get what you want from your family, you need to seek that in yourself and outside... and in the meantime, you need to accept and love people for who they are, not their potential.

I am wondering how I let go of control... of desire to have it all perfect.

One of the things that I was noticing a lot in the dynamic was how my step dad's anxiety and shame was coming out sideways into all of these yucky controlling/judgy behaviors and self centeredness. I was especially aware of it because A) I wanted the opposite during a weekend that was supposed to be celebrating my mom, but B) because I see so much of that in myself when I am struggling.  I could see perfectly how my behavior around past relationships might come out in resentment, guilting, judgy, when I felt others weren't stepping up to the table the way I hoped they would.  When I didn't feel appreciated for my contributions. It felt a little middle school -give me attention, or I'll be snarky. I guess we are all going through it... but I always wanted my family to come out on the other side of their own work. I need to remind myself that people are people... that we all have our wounds and challenges. Why do I feel I/we should be exceptions?

I don't know what this means for my Dad and step mom... its still hard to sit with the fact that they basically throw their hands up and say 'yeah nazis are ok as long as they dont hurt me.'

I am not sure if it is the larger picture, or the direct feeling that they hurt me by being this way. You don't believe me. 

They are comfortable moving forward without resolution. Am I?

Maybe I need to drift into some Buddhism or Tao to make it through this era of life.

Not sure what else to say. 

The nights have not been productive, but I have been maintaining. It's been weird to be home alone after time in community. The push pull of attachment. I don't really want to see anyone, and yet I also feel an emptiness. 

I've exercised a small amount, kept up with spanish, made dinner for myself... but I have a handful of things I've been meaning to do and haven't. 

This weekend I am hoping to do some writing on the book... some progress is better than no progress for years. 

Probably also see a friend or two.

Dissatisfied

 Up north for mom’s birthday. Feeling dissatisfied. 

It’s been a wake up call to the dysfunction of our family. 

A year ago she asked us to put it on the calendar, maybe that was too much time, maybe it was just that everyone assumed because she asked for a weekend up north, that was the gift. You know? But she gave us gas money and a year notice. So what did we do? We came up, but without much of a plan, no real gifts or birthday cake or nothing. I bought her something she asked for. Brothers wrote a nice card and said they’d get her car detailed. We wrote out 70+ notes all last minute to say thank you, or memories, or something we appreciated about her. It was a nice gesture, but it was all very last minute. So last minute that members of the family were still making/writing them while she waited on the couch wondering what we were doing. It all worked out…

But I felt like we didn’t do enough. My brothers were all able to share really specific funny memories, my mind doesn’t work that way. It’s all themes and meanings, and the general overview. I don’t recall specific little stories that well. But the pages were good. Lots of art. Lots of nice things. 

My step family was kind of the issue… step brothers unclear on what was happening and what was expected of them, and even then somewhat reluctant? Not really engaged until it became obviously they should be. 

Step dad, barely had any input. Like honestly zero. Every story this weekend had to include his thoughts or his input. Frequently he jumped in to share something going on with his work. It felt odd. And he was crabby part of the time, a lot of it because he wasn’t even sure if his kids were gonna show up. And it was unclear if it was about them, or him, or my mom… like who is causing the distress and poor communication here? 

And the. Privately I heard his complaints about how much it costs to put the kids in a hotel etc… and it felt like it was burdening him, rather than him trying to go out of his way to make my mom happy.  I dunno… I guess what I’m saying is his narcissism is worse than I remember. 

No card or gift in front of the rest of us. No cake or candles… I dunno. I guess I’m disappointed in myself. But I’m also disappointed in us collectively. 

I wished it had been a year of making it meaningful. Instead it was, all last minute “oh by the way, I love you.” Then move on to the next thing. Maybe she just wanted us around… time as a family.

I know everyone is busy all the time. Me too. I know the little ones can be a handful and I also need a break from them sometimes - I dunno… just bugs me.  

Maybe there is also just a realization of my own loneliness, no partner to share things with, no one to take care of or be taken care of. I’m not exactly great at the big romantic gestures myself. Every time I’m up here I’m reminded of past times I’m up here. We went to grand marais yesterday… same thing. Passing through Duluth, same thing. Maybe I’m disappointed, because I’m aware I’m not fully living the life I want to be living either. No one to talk to and debrief with. 

Tomorrow head back to daily life, work stress, groceries etc.  no major plans for a while

Want to write my book, selfishly I’d hoped I’d have time this weekend, but instead been spending time with family and coordinating this book thing everyone was contributing to. My brother cooked dinner the last few nights it was nice. 

I dunno. Hard to slow down and be mindful and positive I guess - when I feel like we didn’t do enough. Don’t deserve it. 

What was great: 

Putting together puzzles and talking to brother J and brother C. Getting to talk to N and N about Mexico City. Spending some time with the kiddos. Talking to mom, as usual. Walking the paths without bugs!!!. The new deck. 

Focus

That's an aspirational title. Right now I feel very unfocused. Multitasking poorly. I took the day off to prep for up north. My mom asked us to go up there as a family for her birthday -so I will leave tomorrow. 3 nights. Sounds like its gonna be in the 40s. There were fires last week. Too dry in May...

I had a dream last night in which I left friends to go on an adventure. I was riding on some sort of train or bus with R, everything I touched felt oily and gross, and I felt suffocated as people came aboard. I decided that I needed to get off and walk home, though I wasn't really sure where I was. Eventually I gave R some money to give to someone else (the teacher maybe?). It was kind of a weird thing, not sure who that other person was. Once I got off the train/bus, I checked my phone and realized I was much further away than I'd thought. I was in a city -one of those far off suburbs that became an exurb, and then a suburb, so it has its own history and culture. I was curious. Maybe I'll walk through this city, and then when I get closer to things that are familiar I'll take a bus -I figured. But before I could, I needed to say goodbye to the LNAS folks... where did they come from? No idea, but they were dillydallying. We were in A's apartment I think, and I hadn't seen some of these teachers in years. I was checking in, but not really wanting to get into anything. I was eager to get on my adventure. I said my goodbyes. V told me to get jamaican food or something. I had two paths in mind, one led through a park, the other through an old downtown (like mainstreet).  

When I woke up, I thought it was interesting how in both cases I felt so uncomfortable amongst friends. I was ready for an adventure. I was eager to get away. 

Though I am wanting to celebrate my mom, I kind of feel similarly about this weekend. If I had 5 days off, I'd spend it writing my book. I am hoping to, for part of my time... but being surrounded by others doesn't lead to that usually. 

I am listening to tarot right now. She is like "not internal reflection, outward action."  I am doing the opposite today. My personal spread was Hermit, Star, Fool, High Priestess, Devil, underlying Ace of Pentacles. Almost all major arcana. Maybe that means something. 

My plans for today... do some Spanish. Work on a gift. Go to the bank and get gas. Maybe take a walk. Not much else. I might watch Foundation while I work on the gift... I had considered going to a coffee shop to brainstorm ideas, but I think that was just an excuse to get out of my apartment. 

Everything is so expensive now. 

This week was pretty busy. 5-6 meetings each day. I finished up my notes last night and felt relieved. I need a break. Yesterday I had 6 guys, 4 of them between 50-mid 70s. Cranky in all different ways. I can see myself becoming that if I am not careful. 

Not sure what else to day... I guess my brain isn't fully on... 

morning run

 

Its been difficult to get out of bed.

Last night I ate dinner and basically went to bed early, feeling unmotivated to do any of the things I had said I would. Near around 10, I woke up again and started writing. I was up past 1pm. 

This way of being isn't really sustainable... been doing it the last couple of days and I enjoy the writing again. But it makes me feel unprepared for work.

I had a dream. In the dream, one of my clients who I see today, was sitting on the floor in front of me. She was feeling playful, but between us was this idea that this would be our last session. I wasn't sure why. She had this idea that because I was going on vacation, I wouldn't be returning.

I woke up and wondered if I had the order backwards. That maybe she was saying it was her last session. 

I've been feeling weird since a session yesterday in which a client with trauma was giving me mixed messages. I felt like I wanted to help him explore this time period, but I couldn't get clarity... and I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not. I left feeling like I'd done it wrong... I know these are the feelings he experiences routinely. 

I saw that the guy I am wondering if E is dating continues to become facebook friends with her family. No clarity. Not feeling jealous necessarily, but aware of the feeling of being replaced?  I guess thats what I am noticing. That I have no relationship to invest in, and I am losing the relationships I'd created. 

The day is gray and kind of cold. I am struggling with motivation and mood. I haven't felt this type of moodiness in a long time. I feel down and out... 

It didn't help that I woke to an alert from google saying my password was compromised. Means more work. 

Yesterday I sat with the owner of the clinic downstairs, she introduced me and a colleague to KAP ketamine assisted psychotherapy, the procedure, the impacts, etc. I spent half the time staring at her boo collections, her buddha statues, the mala beads she wore around her neck. She was basically talking about her work and if we were in another culture, she would be talking about shamanism. I left feeling somewhat inspired and hopeful. Only somewhat about the medicine, more about the connection, the humanism, the invitation to be. 

This morning I was wondering if I should try to take her on as a mentor. Develop a relationship. Borrow a book. You know.  

She recommended MDMA for social anxiety, even though its illegal. She was funny like that. Like there were elements she was acknowledging secretly in the open. Maybe thats a path I need to go down. 

But this morning, even though I swallowed a handful of vitamins, I am reluctant to take medicine. Not from this space of want. 

More another day. I have to go to work. 

 

Its that time (like this week) to make decisions about my future. Where do I want to live? Where do I want to work? How much is too much to spend on things I am not even taking advantage of (though my friend did note that I took advantage of the pool table and darts for the first time last weekend). I had hoped to be more active in these buildings, is there room to deepen? To invest? Or is it better to pull up roots and move to the next thing?

I walked around St. Anthony Park (the southside) and questioned. What keeps me here. What makes it hard to move? Why am I having such a hard time getting out of bed lately.

The song Where Do I Go from Hair played in my head as I walked across the bridge back towards my office. I am working from home today, and people keep canceling (3 so far this week) or rescheduling ... so it feels light. 

During the day time I feel good. Yesterday after work (5 appointments and a supervision I'd forgotten about) I got Taco Bell and then crashed by 7pm. I woke up after 10pm. I wanted to keep sleeping but couldn't. An image of a weird sunflower shaped object (sometimes more diamond like) was in multiple dreams. I woke up, and wondered if I should try to make one out of tinfoil. Why? Who knows... something to do in the middle of the night while I watch a tv show. I stayed up till 1AM or so. It was fine. I decided the only thing I really want to accomplish before I die that is entirely within my control is to finish my book.  But I didn't get up to write it. I didn't plan which days of the week I would try to be creative. I just realized that on my death bed I will have a bunch of what ifs, and regrets, but most are about other people. The only thing in my control is what I do. 

My job isn't fulfilling enough. I can't look to it to solve all my issues. My apartment isn't fulfilling enough. I am not satisfied, so I need to go out and do more, explore more, write more. Invite more in... I could ask around in the building to see if anyone wants a board game or card game night, or a book club. 

Meet and interact with more people... but yesterday 6 sessions wiped me out and I felt like I had nothing to look forward to except dreaming. Oh sweet dreams. 

I feel like I am being sooooo dramatic. So self-obsessed lately. 

None of it really matters all that much. Work is work. Whether I am doing a good job or a bad job isn't really all that impactful. People come and go. I am so invested in their lives for a time, and then I am not. 

I've been thinking a lot about how when I am invested in something I get soooo analytical, so in the weeds with it... problem solve, explore, brainstorm, critique, create, try again... but I can't do it all on my own. Need more ongoing support to do stuff. That's part of the problem with the office. We are all too busy and when we are not busy (like me today) we stay home. We invest in our lives outside the office. But anyway... I was thinking about how I see everything through this psychological lens now... clinical... always. And its not entirely helpful for living a day to day life. Like I look at things through these lenses, faith, astrology, tarot, enneagram, psychology... sociology, education... but like... what about just life for its own sake?  It is very hard for me to settle down and just exist... to just chill... to just admire existence. I always want to know how things can improve, or how we can look at them differently...  this isn't new. I just think psychology was like the latest version.  Now I am sort of fed up with reading psychology/clinical/self help books. It's all good. It serves its purpose... but nothing is 100%, no fixes. I guess the more I embrace that idea, the less urgent things seem, and also the less motivated I feel. I am less on the rollercoaster for a moment, and then I do nothing. 

*Maybe I should look into having someone else do my billing, then I wouldn't have to worry about it. Just an aside.  I've been thinking about what I would want to do with my business that would make it more exciting... teaching? workshops?  integrating other modalities? reducing the things I hate like billing?  

But its all so self-absorbed (the way I see life). There is always this *whats next, how do I feel, how do  they feel, what should I do, what should they do   -aspect, instead of just allowing. I am dissatisfied... and because I am -I am withdrawing again. Because why ask a stranger to get coffee? it will turn into me analyzing them. Why invest in something, I'll be drained and feel like I am stretched too thin... why why why... 

So self absorbed you know? 

I sort of need to be self absorbed to make decisions, to set boundaries, to discern, but at the same time it sucks the joy out of life.  I am a joy kill. 

How do I deepen without sucking the joy out of things?

*Made the decision. Staying in this apartment until at least August of 2027. Staying in my office until at least May 2028.

I think I am gonna go to Mexico City in 2027, and ask my mom if she wants to come for part of it. 

I think I am going to start writing my book again, maybe like attend to one chapter a week and I need to send it to someone to hold me accountable. Maybe I pay someone like $10 a week just to hold me accountable. That would be like 500 bucks. If they edited... it would be even better. 

What do you do with your one precious life?

 

Well, the weekend continued to go quietly. Got some groceries. Did some cleaning. Watched a show. Took a nap. Did some laundry. Listened to a cd I haven't listened to in a while. 

It occurred to me that I wasn't looking forward to the week, but I wasn't not looking forward to it  -and that reminded me that just the other day I was talking to a teenaged client who said he hates the weekends because he can't work... and I spent 40 minutes trying to get him to google things to do. 

So I took my own advice. There are a lot of summer festivals coming up in St. Paul. There are some museums I could go to. Some parks. A few things I might want to do on my own, others I could invite someone to. 

I didn't do any of them. In fact, I looked at my next weekend and saw that I had nothing, when my Brother texted and asked if I could help out with a kids birthday party. And I said, hit me up if you need me, but wasn't enthused. I didn't reach out to anyone. Barely said Hi to my mom (who was out of town). 

There is sort of a love hate of people I guess.   I didn't want to leave the house much today. Could have sat outside and read a book or something. Could have gone for a walk. Could have sat at a coffee shop and done some writing. 

There is a weird thing about life... no right way to do it, but I found myself bored with my own life, and then wondered why I was unwilling to do something about it. How strange. 

I think I might be the world's biggest complainer. 

The week looks pretty easy work wise, 4-5 clients a day. 

A thing for my brother on Thursday, picking up a friend at the train station Friday. Maybe this kids party Saturday.

Church Sunday? same old chores, same old routine. 

I should start playing board games at a store, or join an art project that I don't have to do anything but show up, or take a writing class...  Something...

I guess its bed time.

Mothers day

I struggled to respond to my alarms this morning, or rather made the choice to go back to bed. Dreams, odd and heavy, strange as they were kept calling to me. At least amongst the dreams, there was love and passion, reaching, and pushing... I know I was scared, felt on the hook, felt caught up... but I was in the middle of people, I was in relationship.

I woke up and decided I didn't want to be amongst strangers at church, but also on the odd chance that I'd see someone I knew, didn't want to play a role, rather than feeling truly caught up in the middle.

I got up in time to watch the livestream, and have been distracted the whole time. Eating breakfast, checking social media, caught off guard by random thoughts and feelings. 

It's been a quiet weekend, primarily spent alone. Saw a friend last night, but otherwise spent solo. Sleeping-in always makes me a little more braindead, and yesterday I slept in till 11 (for the same reasons). I had nothing to do, nothing to step into, nothing that called. 

Not feeling bad for myself entirely, just aware, so much silence makes it hard to ignore. At 5 pm, I went for a walk, knowing my friend would arrive around 6. It was really windy out, as I walked around in a very quiet part of St. Paul, I wondered about my own next steps, I sang songs, prayed, I talked out loud... all the things I do while traveling, exploring, figuring out who I am. What would make life feel more fulfilling?  How beautiful that tree is. What changes do I need to make? Oh, that is where that business is... How many places have I seen and how many I will still see...  There are elements of my life that feel good, that sustain me, but there are also things or people missing. My apartment is fine, but not fulfilling. My work is fine, but not fulfilling. My Church is fine, but not fulfilling. My relationships with family and friends are fine, but not fulfilling. 

It's easy to fall into a question, why me?  Why is that I have had these relationships that feel so strong in the moment, but sizzle out, or burn up... am I doing something wrong?  Why have I not been able to find what others do... companionship, partnership, etc. 

I am sitting and listening to church, and part of me misses E. Wonders how she is, what she is up to, if she is spending time with her family, with friends, alone?  Do these people I have loved wonder the same about me? 

It is Mothers day, and there is a bit of sadness, of grief, of relief, of longing still.  I read a postsecret this morning that was about a child who was looking online at their bio parent's social media because their parent did not know they existed and I was almost envious of that parent. -As in, someone wants to know you. As in, someone needs to know you. 

I don't like to make it sound definite, but I am very sad that I might miss my window to be a parent. I know there is still time, and so many ways I could *make it happen, but I've been determined to have it on my terms, and my terms are not the terms of the universe I guess.  

But then it also makes me feel sort of pathetic, because I have had many people in my life who have asked me to bring down my walls, to be vulnerable, to trust in them, and I chose not to. Kept them at a distance, lied or omitted, was silent, did not reach. 

I know there is no right way, but I also know that I have struggled to find, name and define my own. Even now with my dad and step mom, it feels important to set boundaries, but I also know I am not entirely in the right, because they are not entirely in the wrong... just different needs right now. 

I am not sure where I was going with any of this... 

Just to say, I guess, that silence allows me to notice the little cracks, the absences. 

"How far gone, my love, how long, will you be at sea,
Are you lost? If not,

come home for me."