Thursday, dad stuff, polishing a mirror

It is Thursday. A bunch of folks canceled so I only had two clients today and they were both hard for different reasons. 

After work I was determined to journal, went to a park and got irritable. I came home and felt kind of exhausted for no reason though. I messed around on my phone, didn't accomplish half my goals. Went out to get dinner and stuffed myself. 

On Thursdays I normally go to open mic, but I just wasn't feeling being around people. 

Maybe feeling like the world is in a scary place and I don't know how to hold it all... loosen loosen baby, you don't have to carry the weight of the world.

I am re-reading Polishing the Mirror by Ram Dass, which I actually think is one of my fav books. It is so well written, and packs in so many big concepts, interesting quotes and fascinating stories. 

I am finding it is helpful with giving me perspective, but tonight I lost it... tonight I am feeling down and out. Maybe it is the thing I've been rolling around in the back of my head all day (below) or maybe it is the state of the world, or maybe it is that I have a bunch of things this weekend and I just wanted some time to myself. 

Part of it is that I wrote myself a series of questions (kind of based off the book) to reflect on what the deal is with me and my dad right now... and I couldn't get centered enough to write until like an hour ago. After writing I wrote some commentary at the top -wondering if maybe this needs to be a regular practice. 

SO without much ado... 

Maybe I keep asking myself these questions periodically… in answering them this time, I am not sure much has changed. Maybe we have to wait till less interesting times* to not get dragged into the mess of politics and how it impacts the relationship.  9/10/26

 

What am I attached to when it comes to Dad?

I think my initial answer is that I want my dad to be someone I respect, someone I honor, someone I go to for wisdom, a friend, a peer, etc… but more than that there is this desire that he be someone I can rely on.  Someone I can turn to for comfort, someone who won’t leave me out in the cold, a safety, a security, a fallback.  I think the younger version of me still craves this. I think he also likes to see himself this way.

I think there is a part of me that wants him to change his politics (teen/adult self) because I want to see that he understands, can grow, etc. Not just understands me, but sees the world in a similar way. I think this is a further iteration of this desire that I can feel secure and trust in him… he sees the world as I do, which means he is hurt and longs for the same things. Which means he understands and can support me.

I think there is a newer part that wanted to be excited or motivated to take care of him as he ages. I think I thought I was preparing for time spent, and wanting that time to feel positive. Our walks around the lake felt like a way of securing and practicing that… but it was disrupted when I realized he doesn’t understand me even if he hears me.

I think underneath these ideas is this idea that I have parents who can support and nourish me. That I am not alone. That my family has my back. That there will be more connection than disconnection.

 

In what way am I being self-righteous rather than just being?

I am holding on to the idea that these issues matter more than the relationship… that they are bigger than the relationship. I see these patterns; I see an action and a consequence. I point that out, and I am not believed despite being right.  I see how inaction and choices made for the other side actively harm me. Harm my business, harm my lifestyle, harm my clients, harm people I care about. I point that out and rather than it being acknowledged and them taking responsibility for their behavior, I am told to get over it.  As in, it doesn’t matter that I hurt you, you’ll have to figure out how to live with that.  Additionally, I see how my hurt is considered less important than their discomfort…  My emotions, my feeling of security, my experience of being trusted, respected, believed, etc.… are asked to be on hold. I recognize that there may be ideas I’ve not been introduced to, or perspectives I could take in, but frequently these are either not offered, or offered in a way that doesn’t actually shift anything. EG conservative talking points without taking any responsibility. So my righteousness protects my perspective (sure ego) but also my mental, emotional, spiritual self, and my lived experiences… If they are not interested in them, discard them when it is convenient to them, then why be in relationship?

 

What do I need to let go of in order to maintain relationship?

To just BE with this, I would need to let go of or downplay my hurt. I’ve done that. I would have to pretend or join their denial… I could try to see it their way, but they don’t do a good job of demonstrating the logic, and they don’t do the same… so it would be me putting more into the relationship mentally and emotionally… not reciprocal. They express their care in different ways… ways that I don’t necessarily always need. Sometimes in ways that challenge me to grow or to feel invested in differently… but not with the same emotional bond. So to stay in relationship, I’d need to let go of my attachment to the idea that I should be able to go to my parents for emotional understanding, comfort, compassion. I’d be in the relationship on their level, not mine. Potentially meeting their needs and wants, not mine.

I keep thinking if I needed to rely on them, maybe it would be different. For my sister and little brother – it is. They both heavily rely on my dad and step mom. For my older brother -its him wanting his kids to have a relationship with their grandparents, meanwhile he is emotionally distant from them.

 If I needed a place to stay? If I needed a favor?  If it were transactional?  But none of these -change the emotional level. I would be grateful. I already am grateful, but I am not connected.

If my dad was hurt or ill? Dies? Would I suddenly want the relationship back?  It feels like something fundamentally shifted… I would of course care. I would probably wish I had more time… but I am not sure what it would change. I walked around the lake with him 5 times explaining different aspects, pouring out my heart, sharing my pain… he listened. He didn’t want to change, to empathize, to comfort. So that’s not the relationship he wants… So transactional then. An exchange of gifts of roughly equal value. Activities together… But why listen if its not for understanding? That’s not real. That’s what felt like it fundamentally shifted. He asks the question, waiting for me to change, to forgive him etc. but that’s me crying as a kid again, and him not doing anything to be there for me.  

In what ways can I honor my own experience without needing compassion, empathy or understanding from him?

I think there are lots of ways I can meet my own needs, be there for myself etc… including taking this time of being distant. I have to let go of an attachment that is meaningful to me, and accept what feels like a diminished position. Dad is 3 rings further out on the trust exercise.  It’s not what I want. It is what is… but I won’t be able to trust, or go to him for understanding on things, because he sees the world and his place in it differently. It will be like seeing him as a client or a coworker, who I would not choose to have a personal relationship with. Like how my brother and sister in law see him. I could go there and pretend to be all loving, but I would have to truly be in a place in which my cup feels full. I have filled it, and I don’t need or want more from them. I can’t expect that of them. SO I have to do it myself… and then, sure, value their experience, their gifts, but a distant type of connection, not in genuine relationship.

In what ways can I honor his incarnation, have compassion for his experience?

There are a lot of ideas/perspectives/experiences that I can hold and have compassion for. Very quickly my mind moves to areas in which he feels vulnerable… hearing, aging, money, feeling that he doesn’t have power -and becomes resentful. I have compassion for and empathy for these experiences, but they don’t necessarily mean he is right.  Just because you’re bitter, doesn’t make you right…  I can honor and have compassion for his lived experiences, the ways he has tried to grow and change, take on new things. I can be very grateful for the ways he has shown up for me in my life… but also expect him to take responsibility for his incarnation… right?  Like… if you don’t have the information, why not believe someone who does?  If you feel trapped or bitter, why not empower yourself rather than take it out sideways…  go to therapy man, find something bigger than yourself, don’t make it all about you or her.

Additionally, I think I can absolutely honor the ways he does show up for others. The ways he mows the neighbor’s lawn or shovels or whatever. In many ways he is a lovely neighbor. In many ways he is a lovely acquaintance, a friend, even a father when it suits him. There were plenty of times that he did show up for me when I had not expected him to, or didn’t even ask. But I also feel like they served to reduce his own anxiety.

I can have a lot of empathy-for that. I have absolutely been that guy. I certainly have showed up to reduce my own anxiety in life, I certainly have played the hero when it suited me, I have certainly played the victim or the villain when it suited me too. That melodrama is real. I guess I am just wondering why we are playing it out? I’ve tried to be open and responsible about my side. I’ve asked them to be responsible for theirs.

In what ways are my fear, insecurity, self-consciousness getting in my own way? In what ways are you living in your own punishment, melodrama that actually isn’t changing anything?

Starving yourself to punish the other. Wondering if they are thinking of you. Not accepting the truth-reality, that it has always been this way and I didn’t stand my ground. Not taking full responsibility for your own stuff because you are afraid. Scared you will be abandoned. Not reaching out to keep the discussion going. Not asking for their side, because their side is painful to hear.

 

How can I let the waves play out, let go of the anger and hurt, and just see the sea again?

On some level this feels kind of naïve… like, I can’t in the ways that I used to. But there is a sea somewhere and I think it requires this time and processing, and finding my security and safety and comfort elsewhere (or inside) to be able to see the sea. To not have waves of rage and hurt.

 

What do I get from the relationships that makes it worthwhile to invest?

It’s so sad that right now I am not sure. I have already come up with a million things that I love, and am grateful for from them… but I still feel very much like I have to choose me first, or it will never work. I can’t keep choosing them over me… and that’s what calmed the sea before, me downplaying the waves and pretending to be ok.

I think it is really easy to say… well I am just not being compassionate enough, or spiritual enough, or I am getting in my own way. But again, it feels like fundamentally something shifted… I am recognizing a pattern in which I am asked to get over my hurt, for someone else’s discomfort. They don’t want to grow, or change, or learn, or open up to the possibility that they are wrong, or hurtful or anything… so I can play the role of saint, but for what?  Has my compassion for them shifted the relationship? Has it made it better?  Has it made them want to open up? 

I don’t know their perspective, and they aren’t sharing it.

I have a feeling they would double down on the meaningless things they’ve already said, and wonder why I can’t accept a truce when their beliefs and actions continue to cause harm, distance etc.

There is something about the spiritual side of “love your enemies” that isn’t fully said, which is sometimes holding them accountable is the love, rather than pitying or infantilizing them. I am not ready to treat them like they aren’t capable of introspection (as my brother and sister basically suggested).

meh hard to be alone

I feel like I've never made a good marinade. Tonight's was so bad that I had to take the garbage out because the smell was rough. 

I don't know what to do tonight... I have two more things on my list (write/journal) and do the breathing exercise.

I don't feel very creative today. I woke up thinking I'd go spend a day at a coffee shop and be creative... and by the time I got to one I was kind or irritable. I spent an hour writing apologies to people that I've wronged or ghosted, then began to write them to people I have mixed feelings around, either open or never acknowledged conflicts. It felt good at first, then I realized I was really just writing for myself. It wasn't a true apology. I didn't want to hear their side of the story, didn't want to confront the situation... just say sorry, my bad and then dip. 

I started to reread the entries/writing I'd down around the time I started fighting with my dad and step mom... I got angry again and couldn't concentrate on anything else. 

I decided I should go for a walk. On the walk, due to the heat and other factors. I became increasingly sad, pitiful, irritated with myself. Half way through I felt pretty down, lonely, abandoned, rejected.  Felt like I was wasting my life and that even though I'd been given a lot of love by others, I didn't really feel very connected. -This is sort of the opposite of how I've felt lately -been doing a lot of meditation, self compassion, breathing, visualizations, gratitude exercises  ---all of which have kept me feeling ok despite feeling super sensitive... realizing how miserable I was making myself, I started to do one of these exercises while walking and within minutes I was crying, but also working through all the difficult emotions. I was imagining myself being there for my younger self who feels like too much, and all alone. I held him, shared positive feedback etc... 

The last 15-20 minutes of my walk I was sweating my ass off and uncomfortable but not sad/irritable anymore. I got groceries. Came home and showered. Did some spanish. 

I don't really want to go for a walk because its like 85 and humid. I don't really want to reach out to folks... feel like I am doing good for myself... but don't know how to expand that into something bigger.

Since I got home, I've been on and off having that anger with my family pop up. I think I miss my Dad. I feel like I don't know what to do about that, because yeah, I could see him. It would be fine. But I am still angry and hurt... and it feels like its not my job to make things better anymore. Thats the promise I've been trying to fulfill for myself. It's not my job to do other's work for them... its my job to be there for myself. I did that today. But ... still alone. When will that change?

I wish I could say I am gonna be productive tonight... but I know I am gonna go lay in bed on my phone. Its about 7pm and I am ready for bed. 

3 things

 1) There is this place in my dreams that repeats. It reminds me a bit of that backrooms movie. I think initially it was this massive extension of a home I lived in as a child. Underground tunnels led to large structures, more and more rooms. I don't recall if in that initial dream there were some tunnels/rooms that were scary, but over time, within the dream, these structures took on this otherworldly scary quality. The theme repeats every so often. Sometimes it is literally like a horror movie nightmare. Most of the time it is a normal dream in which there are areas that are off limits, or not for us. I am being subtle here, but it is something like demons, ghosts, devils... these rooms are hellish... even if they look normal, upon entering you feel it creeping up your skin. Shivering with sudden fear. It's like when you're in your basement at night and you feel something is with you. It's like when you're running up the stairs and you feel something chasing you. That the feel of these spaces. In the dreams I've never confronted the evil, or seen it... I just know. Multiple times I've felt it... I just know that there are certain spaces that are off limits.  Anyway, last night I had one of those dreams... it started with an icecream truck that was being sold, and turned into me cleaning two of the rooms that were adjacent to one of these hallways that leads to the evil... and I wondered why I felt so ok... being just one room away. Like I was getting more and more comfortable living beside this thing... less scared of it?  I dunno... I just find it weird. I know I've had a lot of vivid dreams lately... last nights wasn't a nightmare, it was nightmare adjacent and I guess I felt confident enough to manage. 

2) I went to see Hadestown again. Loved it, but maybe didn't need to see it sooo quickly. Still cried through the end. On the way home I saw dozens of people out enjoying a summer friday night together. And felt even lonelier. 

3) I don't have much to do this weekend. I couldn't find a protest other than probably just the street ones. I could do that. It's supposed to be really hot, and maybe a little rain. So maybe coffee shop and writing?  I finished a poem (I think) and even recorded a video of it last night... felt good. It reminded me in some weird way that my enneagram's growth position is a 3, use your voice, step into the light, express yourself, achieve, accomplish, be celebrated and congratulated for your efforts (kind of yuck -but if done in a healthy way it would be growth for a guy like me). But I still haven't performed at the open mic I've been going to all summer. I am not sure what I want to publish. Not sure what I am doing for my next steps... Tonight is pretty much over though... so it will have to be sat and sun. 

Distracted

 I've felt kind of distracted today.

Thinking about overlapping and non overlapping moralities and their intersection with privilege and power.

A leader who gives an order and a million die from sudden neglect... but it serves him and he doesn't think about the consequences. 

A person who checks their phone 400 times a day and only 3 times a year is reminded of the slave labor that wrestled the materials from the earth and manufactured it... thinks how sad, and then scrolls to the next thing. Again, it serves me, I do nothing regarding the consequences. 

A person who in their desire to be close to power, doxes and serves as lapdog vengeance for the powerful.

A person who in their desperation to fight back harms the non-influential family member of the powerful.

A system that is rigged to serve one group immorally, and an attempt to disrupt that system that uses the same tools is considered immoral. (We don't believe in political violence -says the side with the largest army). 

Give unto caesar what is caesars... 

Well... more than half of the emperors of rome died by violence, held power through violence, died by violence. Some of them got statues and coins, some of those statues were also beheaded. 

Is the exercise of thinking of the morality in itself a barrier to change, a binding spell cast down upon the masses... that the elite instill on others but do not follow? religion the opiate... until the next religion whether it be capitalism, or nationalism, or what can be pushed... 

I watched a video yesterday that reminded me: we are animals. We don't ask the dog what its purpose is. We get annoyed but don't judge it for barking or leaping. A group of dogs can be violent toward one another, but we don't call it violence. We don't need each of its behaviors to have a deeper meaning. We don't ask it to bear the weight of the world. Don't question whether it has been productive enough today to deserve it's daily bread. 

When dogs fight over food, they don't question fairness or morality. If our leaders choose to destroy the ties that bind us together, pitting us one against the other, dismantle the shared safety nets, the-communal resources, starve us, deprive us, make it impossible to thrive, make it impossible to see neighbor as brother or peer, but as competition to scrap with... is it not moral to question and fight the system that creates such conditions.

Sometimes, I think about things more historically... its only recently that we started assigning morality to past historical actions... "they were bad for doing x."  I mean, sure... but without x the world you know would not exist. There are statues of Christopher Columbus all over latin america... he was not a good man, even his own people recognized that at the time... but he isn't remembered for being good, his actions had consequences that made opportunities for us today.   I think some elite think of things on that scale. Some leaders don't care whether their contribution was good or bad, just consequential. Change the map. Get your name in every paper and history book. Be the first, or the unique... 

These qualities don't really serve those they lead... but they are impactful. One could say -hey there are positive leaders who added, created, benefited humanity... yes, but probably also at a cost, a disruption. 

Maybe we need to get out of this mindset that disruption is bad -it is a scarcity position. Survival mode. Don't cause friction or things could get worse... they are getting worse, is your obedience to the system helping? at what point do you take a bigger risk to make things better?  

restless anxiety and insecurity a test?

I'm not sure what it is. I think I am doing a good job managing it, but I find it funny to suddenly feel insecure again. I was feeling pretty optimistic, aligned, (there was so many little coincidences and what not) and then suddenly I am doing that Hinge thing and I just lose all confidence. 

Yesterday I realized all my appointments are online today, so I figured I'd just work from home. But sitting in front of a computer all day, feeling trapped, feeling restless, feeling like I haven't done enough... is badddddd. 

I ate a salad for lunch and walked around the block. I did my breathing and meditation exercises. Things feel better. I am just aware that the wind was taken from my sails. Probably some grief. Probably something to do with that nightmare -as I reread it I saw multiple themes of trying to move forward and getting stuck or trapped even prior to the feeling taken advantage of...  probably something to do with not knowing the *right way forward... 

On facebook I am part of this 'therapist dating group' where its just therapists talking about how hard it is to date. We are all scattered around the world -so it isn't really like people on there to hook up -even if they wanted to. Themes include: I am healing from a difficult relationship, I see red flags everywhere, I don't know how to get out of work mode, I have to deal with all these people's assumptions and insecurities around dating a therapist... and just the difficulty of putting yourself out there when you've been holding space for others all week. Very relatable, but I am not sure its helpful for me to keep reading them.

Tonight I am gonna go to trivia again. I think maybe next week I will invite people. Doesn't hurt to ask. 

Not sure what the rest of the week looks like... open mic. Maybe need to find a protest.  In a few weeks I am going to a training all weekend... but for now... just chilling.

Ok I lied

 I did download hinge and started filling it out, and then just got kind of repulsed by the whole thing and deleted it. 

I’m not sure what it was… maybe because I basically only have selfies for pictures. Maybe because when picking three prompts I felt like I was limiting myself and didn’t know how to make an honest impression. Do I tell people I’m a picky eater and weed out all the folks that would find that annoying? Do I tell people I’m a therapist? Do I share about my goal of traveling the world? Do I pretend like I’m interested in small talk dates?  I just have no fucking desire for traditional dating. I never have. I get to know someone, fall for them and then ask them if they can see themselves continuing to hang with me… I don’t really know another way to weed through all the bullshit. I don’t want to go on dates. I have a hard enough time not turning them into intake sessions. 

Everyone I’ve ever fell for I saw from across a room and felt they were special. I’m just not drawn to the digital profile in the same way. I’d probably weed out all the people who are compatible in favor of those who take good pictures or know how to write well. Both of which I’d love in a partner but that’s not all.   

I find myself wanting to say, if you can’t handle a political conversation or one on religion, psychology or culture I’m out. If you love dogs and sports, or nationalism im out. If you can’t put up with someone who eats chicken nuggets and fries or Chinese for half his meals… if you don’t love humans! If you can’t see yourself traveling outside of a resort - but also I’m not a wilderness person. I love exploring cities and the things humans have made. I dunno.  I am better in person is what I’m trying to say, if you don’t find me endearing it will never work. 

Follow up from last post

 It’s close to 11. I had a couple of cancellations. I’ve been scrolling on the social media and looking at news. 

My first appointment was fine, but there is a heaviness still that I haven’t shaken. 

After writing down my dream this morning, I pulled tarot cards. 2 of cups, the sun, 10 of pentacles, judgment. A whole spread of super powerful positive messages. It made me cry. Made me feel like maybe the difficulties could be overcome, that there was something better around the corner that I had not felt worthy of… maybe a nightmare could be a tower moment, let it fall and see what can be built from the ashes- perhaps a better world. 

I pray that such despair and suffering can be made into empathy and growth, that my own shame, guilt and wrongdoing can be repurposed toward light.  

But it’s been a heavy morning, and I don’t feel that yet. I feel like I am going through the motions and trying to fake it till I make it. 

My friend asked me last night why I perceive invitations as coming with strings even if they don’t exist… I said I’ve grown up with shame, fear, fear that something will be taken before I am ready, fear that I won’t be able to say no, shame that I am not enough, and it’s only a matter of time till someone finds out. Etc. she said she’s known me for 23 years and I still have some breathing room. 

To live differently… to perceive a sheep as a sheep?  M used to confront me with that, she said not every sheep is secretly a lion… but I knew she was a lion, and I dropped my guard anyway… more and more, I am less hurt and angry with her, and far more judgmental of myself for the way I responded to being hurt. 

Maybe I think  of myself as a lion in sheep’s clothes, so I project that on the world?

I dunno… but it’s hard to put things back into boxes this morning. I have a hope - that somehow that strange dream was trying to tell me that things could be better… even though it didn’t feel that way in the dream. Like let’s burn off this piece of karma, and let you breakthrough (judgment card). 

I’ve also just been afraid in the back of my mind that something will happen and I won’t know how to respond… because I feel self righteous. What happens when I run face first into regret? Will I feel ashamed and guilty again, or will I be able to acknowledge that I feel regret because I loved, but could not find a way to be loving.

I went to see Hadestown the movie (a recorded broadway show) and cried and cried throughout… doubt comes in.  

But we’re gonna sing it again and again. 

It’s important to do so. 

I know the intent of my heart. Even if others can’t always give it the benefit of the doubt, I can be the one who does so. My heart is good. 

2nd follow up 7:25  Gonna go for a walk after this I think... 

Today E officially changed her fb status to dating the guy I'd suspected she was dating since Feb.  I felt her pull back around that time. She never confirmed anything, and I didn't ask. But she became less communicative and didn't always follow through... around April or May I saw a picture of her with someone... and said "yeah that makes sense."  Since then, I've assumed. I am sad. But I am happy for her. I don't want to hold her back. I guess I am more just dealing with a touch of the old grief. But its good. It's a good thing. 

Also, I told myself I'd download a dating app. Went with Hinge. We shall see. 

Also... I kept forgetting to mention this in my journaling this weekend... but the thought occurred to me of how set in my ways I am... or how unwilling I am to change.  I think about the influence of others in my life and I can acknowledge the impacts of folks I've dated or been friends with... but I find it odd how much I am still exactly the same even after I get out of these relationships. E definitely helped me be more aware of my home environment...  and added some furniture for sure. But... I dunno. My activity interests and style didn't shift much. I actually went back to the way I'd been before her  -as in things like watching tv (way more with her than alone)...  but also I think that is representative of where she was in her life. She wasn't able to go out or do much, felt stuck, felt scared... hopefully she has continued to grow since we broke up (almost two years ago now) (end of sept early oct)?

Disturbing nightmare (trigger warning).

I woke up at about 3 am and couldn't fall back to sleep. I was able to rest. I was not restless. I was not overthinking, or tossing and turning. Sure my stomach was uncomfy... but nothing new. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep till after 4am.  Which is when I had this nightmare. 

The dream started off ok. I woke up early, too early. Someone else was waking up for their thing, but it was too quiet in the house, and I realized I'd not be able to get back to sleep. So I decided to go out on the town... to explore this place. Donuts. I had a feeling I'd been to this town before, probably in a dream, over there on the right is the place where that one thing happened, vagaries like that, over here is a coffee place... the kind of thing I do when I am traveling, map out a city in my mind, notice spots, notice them from a different approach to make the model 3d, to draw it out. I knew of several donut places, but I didn't want to just do a standard thing. I wanted to meet the moment of early morning adventure. 

I found this small bakery/patisserie on the top of a building that I knew had some shops inside. How I got up there, I do not know. But I tried to read the menu board and couldn't. I asked for a smaller version of it thinking that I needed better glasses. It didn't seem to help. It felt like I was reading italian. The experience of it made me question my idea of adventure, maybe I am not up for this you know. But there were pictures, and in the pictures they had pastries that looked like a mix between a croissant and a slice of pie... pistachio, chocolate mousse, I worried about the dairy content, but by the time I was considering this, the morning crowds were forming. It was a very popular place. I am not sure if I ended up getting anything. 

I found myself at a sort of construction job site. It was a warehouse of sorts, in which things were still being arranged. I found myself crawling on top of floor that was rapidly meeting the ceiling. I don't know why I kept inching forward, but eventually became stuck. The only way out, to inch backwards. I felt trapped and scared, the world was crowding in, I was shocked that anyone would ever make this.  Eventually I was able to push myself back enough to get out, but the ordeal of it was distressing. I told someone, they nodded with a laugh -as if I should have known better.

I found myself in an office full of people. It was the gathering place for therapists before they went off to see clients. People were drinking coffee, chatting, prepping things. It was bustling, and at the same time, felt like everyone was confident of their role and place. I knew my schedule was open until later in the day. I had a supervisee (who was actually an old student of mine), followed by a couple of appointments. It was going to be an easy day, so I was enjoying the company. 

(nightmare part) I woke up early. Confused. I felt like I had gotten a lot of sleep but I wasn't sure why, or what was happening. The day started fine, but I had this suspicion something was missing and couldn't place it.  I started going through my motions, occasionally talking to people. Some gave me smirks like they knew something, others seemed oblivious. I tried to trace back the time... 

I had been sitting in the shared room enjoying the company. It didn't go beyond that. My memory just hit a wall. I was supposed to see my supervisee, I had no recollection of that meeting. I was supposed to have a couple of appointments, I couldn't bring them to mind. What is wrong with me? I had to have been there right? I was already at work... but I couldn't convince myself that I had completed the tasks I couldn't remember. 

Am I sick? Did something happen?  I started to feel very unsure of myself, not just the loss of the memory, but what did this mean about my work if I can't complete tasks? What does it mean if I ghost clients? What was wrong with me?  What if it happened again?  What if I lost my job?

I was honestly worried sick, and somewhat afraid to ask. But forced myself to. But people's answers didn't make sense. They seemed to suggest I was fine, happy even. 

Eventually I was in a room of people again. Colleagues, old friends, people I didn't know. I think there were layers of this where I was hearing about behaviors I did that weren't quite right. Someone suggested I left work to go have sex. I couldn't fathom that. My friend (who I haven't seen in 20+ years) said, I saw you eating a poptart and a hotdog, and I was just soooo thrown off by that. In what world would I be doing that? That doesn't make any sense... and then someone said you went home with those two girls... and it dawned on me that I had been drugged. 

One of them was there in the room, or was later in the dream... and when I confronted her, she wasn't defensive, or hurt, or empathetic, or anything. She seemed almost giddy, she was so excited by what she had done, she felt empowered... and she didn't seem to think it had hurt me, even though I was crying and shaking with how violated I'd felt. She seemed to think she had done this brilliant thing (kind of like someone is manic and they only see their side as being important).  She started talking about all the ways they had violated me, gone past my boundaries, and I couldn't... I felt validated in knowing the truth, but sooo shaken up. 

I found myself later trying to explain why I was so upset. Even though I felt physically fine, and had no  recall of any of these experiences (even when she talked about them -nothing came up). But the experience of having so many people aware of my behaviors and misinterpreting my experiences -without me knowing anything... I guess I realized I had to tell people the truth. I was drugged and raped.

I started trying to explain this to a group of friends and family, but they weren't really taking it seriously, and I snapped at one of them who made a comment that implied I was being dramatic. He apologized after... people didn't know what to do or say. I told them I knew I needed to press charges, but without any memories I didn't really care... the feeling of being violated and robbed of my memory, felt soooo  -I don't even know the word. I just felt like the whole of me was thrown aside and now I was maybe not worthless... but like not of worth. Like there was nothing to be confident or center in anymore. I'd lost all of my self.  Someone had plucked out my sense of self and the earned value... now I was basically just flesh to be played with. I wanted to die. 

That was my conclusion. Not that I would kill myself. Not that I had a plan or anything...

I just was surrounded by friends and family, and it didn't matter anymore, I pressed my head to the table and mumbled it. And no one knew how to respond, so they just kept moving and whirling around me. I want to die. 

Then I woke up... still feeling shaken and vulnerable. Wondering what it means. I spent the next few hours tossing, waking, thinking about it, wanting better outcomes. wanting to dream and not be awake. I had thoughts of those I knew have been sexually assaulted, I had thoughts of my own trespasses. I had thoughts of wondering if I would lose my sex drive over this dream which seemed to turn one person's pleasure into another's despair. In some ways, I want to claim this nightmare as a positive, an expansion of empathy?  But I am also just really alarmed, creeped out by how viscerally I felt all of these experiences. (not the thing itself, but the aftermath).

I know I need to shift out of these thoughts and into my day... but it felt important to write them down. 

Invitation

This weekend I was invited to some things, and said yes. 

On Friday a friend asked me to go to a sound bath in a park. I have been to sound baths, but had never been to this park nor knew what I was showing up for. I went. I enjoyed it. It was awkward, but good. 

(I'll come back to this). 

On Saturday I went to my old roommate's 40th birthday party. I didn't know what to expect except that I would run into old friends/roommates I potentially hadn't seen in 10-15 years. I went, it was awkward at times, but really good. 

On Sunday I went to breakfast with some of those same folks. Wasn't sure what to expect, threw some ideas out there. It was really fun. My friend (past roommate) who had invited me to breakfast is different than the one who had the birthday. But both asked me to reach out, or even come visit (the ones out of town).   

Lately I've been doing this heart meditation, and one of the things you're supposed to do is cultivate a positive feeling in your heart. I've cultivated appreciation, gratitude, curiosity, openness, but one that has been particularly hard and also particularly moving is the feeling of being invited. My friend invited me into her home in New York to take care of her precious living things. My friends of old and new invite me to activities. People invite me all the time... and I don't always take them up on it... don't trust the invitation. 

But walking around the lake today after breakfast, I was thinking about -how did I lose all these nourishing fun/silly/adventurous friends?   And how nice it is that even a decade later they don't hesitate...  You are invited. You are welcome. You are weird and we know it. We want you around anyway.  As I was walking the lake -I was thinking about how I let go of so many of these relationships (for multiple reasons), but one of the reasons I lost community was that when people invited me -I didn't show up. And that when I became tired/disconnected/lost or hurt... I let go of the people who invited me into positive connecting relationship -often by holding tighter to the people who made me feel needed (but didn't quite fill my cup).  

At the soundbath I laid on the ground staring at the sky, watching bugs and birds, and occasional planes fly by. Watched the clouds float. Listened to the ringing, waves of sound, let them reverberate through me... felt myself resting on the Earth, recognized I'll never not be held by the Earth. That I am tied to this planet and can always trust that. 

At the party last night I watched people take risks for a joke, or to perform (there was karaoke) I didn't perform or feel the need to... but it was just such a fun atmosphere. Even the folks who picked songs that were way out of their ability... it was like the harder they tried the more you loved them. I dunno, it was just a really fun experience.  My friend shared that he lost some of his voice this morning after performing... and I was like... yeah but you created an experience for people that they didn't know could exist... and it was awesome. 

At breakfast this morning (4-5 of us) sat around eating, making jokes, being curious, being open, trusting that silliness was ok, trusting that seriousness was ok.  These are all friends from Morris and it was like -the old morris community. I missed that ability to flow in and out... to banter, to build off one another, to make call backs. I just appreciate these folks so much. 

I dunno... 

Tonight I might go see Hadestown (adapted for the movie theater) or "the Invite"

I guess I was planning on seeing the first, but now that I am writing this, wondering if I should see the second. What do you think? is there some sort of kismet thing?

Not sure what else to say. I have an hour to make the decision. Gonna do some breathing and meditating. Gonna do some dishes. Maybe a little work. Life is really good... 

but also still waiting for a change.