blegghh

It's Sunday Feb 15th, I am sitting in online church. It's never quite as meaningful. I should start going in person again.  They are detailing the annual pledge drive, the impacts of Children's Hospital no longer offering gender affirming care to children, folks are sharing their testimonies of what it is like to live as a trans person. 

Last night I watched Come See Me in the Good Light, a documentary about the life and death process of poet Andrea Gibson. I have been reading their last book lately and crying all the time at how beautiful it is. Andrea says that they intentionally don't write with big words, because why speak over someone's head, why speak over someone's heart. There is a running theme throughout the movie that Andrea shares -regarding their experience of life before and after learning they are going to die. Prior to their diagnosis, they had depression, they had periods in which they were suicidal. After the diagnosis, they shared that they loved life, found every little moment and relationship beautiful, full of awe, spirit, wonder... wanted every second of it, fought for it through years of chemo, yes through anxiety and fear, hope and uncertainty, but also just a level of *constant appreciation.  I wasn't always sure I bought it...but it was a beautiful, hopeful theme. 

The movie has tons of tear jerking moments. Part of it also shows the "codependent" relationship they were in. Meg, their wife shared that in those last few years, she never wanted to leave Andrea's side. 

It brought up a lot of the stuff with E, and walking her through her health issues, and my internal feelings of responsibility and guilt. I'm clearly still wrestling with it. Trying to let it go. I had a dream last night that was odd, in it, she was asking me about alimony... and I had to remind her we weren't married. There is nothing like this in our actual relationship, but I've been wondering how much I should reach out to her, ask about her life, invest. I am just unclear. At times I want to do so because I miss her. At other times, I wonder if she is ok, and feel some level of responsibility. That's the part I'd like to let go. 

I am considering going to a protest in a few minutes. But I also have lots of work to do today, and I feel somewhat torn. 

Where do I put my energy. Where do I put my love and worry. Where do I put my thoughts and planning. Where do I put my feet through these practices. 

Yesterday, I spent so much time sitting in the present, appreciating, enjoying, feeling less *obligated and more open to the possibilities. Today, it feels like my mind wants to narrow the possibilities, push away excess paths, be direct.   It doesn't feel as good. It feels like scarcity... feels like as I prepare for the week I am sticking my head down and doing what I am supposed to do... but I am not sure this is living. 

I wish I was more open to the potential right now, creative, expansive, abundant. 

But this is also me. you know.